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Content Rating: PG
Suggested Content Rating: PG-13
A MAROON CARTOON In color BABY HERMAN and ROGER RABBIT in SOMETHIN’S COOKIN’
Baby Herman: Brrh Brrh brrh brgh.
Lady: Mommy’s going to the beauty parlor darling. But I’m leaving you with your favorite friend Roger. He’s going to take very very good care of you. Because if he doesn’t, he’s going back to the science lab!
Roger: Plplpllllease! Don’t worry. What ever you say! Yes, ma’am. Aye aye, sir. Okey dokey. Why, I’ll take care of him like he was my own brother. Or my own sister. Ow! Or my brother’s sister. Or my second cousin who was twice removed.
Baby Herman: Brbrll bobl Cookie!
Roger: Or the ninth cousin who is nine times removed from his place off side. Or like a 16th cousin...
Baby Herman: [Escapes from cot.] Aaaaaaah!
Roger: …who was sixteen times removed from my mother’s side. Or a 32nd cousin who was 37...
[Baby Herman lands in front of the fridge and looks up at the fridge where the cookie jar is.]
Baby Herman: Cookie!
Roger: ...times removed from his father’s side who was eleven...Or like my 17th cousin who was 156 times removed, from any side!
[Sees Baby Herman climbing up some open drawers]
[Baby Herman is crawling across the hob turning on the burners as he goes narrowly avoiding them.]
Roger: I’ll save you, baby!
Baby Herman: Cookie! [he knocks a rolling pin onto the floor.]
Roger: Don’t burn yourself, baby Herman. [Rushes into kitchen and slips on rolling pin.] Wow! Wub wub wub wub wub woooooaaah! Waaaaaahhoooowow! Waaaaaaah! [As he rolls past Baby Herman he kicks a Teapot onto Roger’s head.] Who turned out the lights? Boy, it’s dark in here. Don’t they pay the electricity? [Clunk] What happened?
[Not seeing where he is going he rolls into the oven which Baby Herman turns up to "Volcano Heat".]
Roger: Where are you, baby? Where are ya?
Baby Herman: [Crawls across some plates in the sink.] Cookie! Ahhhh! Brblblblbl. Aha! [His face slips under the water but he lifts it up and accidentally turns on the tap and water starts spilling onto the floor. The soap also falls down to the floor. The oven sign turns to "Well Done" and Roger bursts out trailing smoke.]
Roger: Oooh! Ooh! Oh! Ow! Owwwwww! Owwwwwwwwww! [He slips on the soap and shoots into the air and the soap flies across the kitchen and ricochets of the door handle and hits the baby flinging him up to the clock pendulum. Roger falls back and slides across the kitchen and ends up with his fingers in the power supply and is zapped by electricity. In trying to escape he headbutts the wall with the teapot and dislodges a shelf and all the pots and pans fall on his head. As he lies there a bottle of chili sauce falls into the spout of the teapot.]
Baby Herman: [From the clock] Cookie. Ooh.
[Roger, with his head on fire, shoots across the kitchen and ends up with an ironing board in his mouth which folds up into the wall. Baby Herman swings from the clock to a shelf which falls down and a box on the shelf falls catapulting a box of knives through the air. Baby Herman lands on a plunger and bounces up to the fridge. The plunger flies through the air and lodges itself in a toaster which then falls over. Roger bursts out of the fold up ironing board.]
Baby Herman: Cookie.
[He falls off the entire pickle jar and he climbs by the entire sandwich bread.]
Roger: I’m here Bab--AAAAAAAARRGGGHHH!
[Roger sees the knives flying towards him which lodge themselves in the wall around him. One parts his hair and a meat cleaver hits the wall between his legs. The toaster then fires the plunger at Roger and sticks to his face.]
[As he struggles to get it off he ends up flying across the kitchen and removes it in mid air. His momentary pleasure is forgotten as he crashes into the suc-o-matic which then begins to pump him full of air.]
[When he looks more like a balloon he starts to deflate, flying around the kitchen breaking crockery and eventually hitting the fridge, lodging his head underneath.]
[As he struggles to get free he dislodges Baby Herman who falls from the top of the fridge with his cookie. Roger lifts the fridge of his head and seeing that Baby Herman is safe holds him in his hands.]
Baby Herman: Cookie. Ah!
[Roger suddenly realizes there is an unsupported fridge above his head which crashes back to earth. The fridge door opens to reveal Roger with birds from Cinderella flying around his head.]
Background: Alright. That's the shot.
Raoul: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! [Throws script on floor]
Baby Herman: What the hell was wrong with that take?
Raoul: Nothing with you Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You were better than perfect. It's Roger. He keeps blowing his lines. Roger… [Grabs bird from Cinderella] …what's this?
Roger: A tweeting bird?
Raoul: A tweeting bird! [Throws bird from Cinderella to the floor] Roger read the script. Look what it says. It says "Rabbit takes clunk. Rabbit sees stars." Not birds- STARS! Can we lose the playback, please?
Background: Cut the playback!
Raoul: Roger, you're killing me! Killing me.
Baby Herman: [Stomping off] For crying out loud Roger! Like how the hell many times do we have to do this damn scene? Raoul! I'll be in my trailer! Taking a nap!
B. Herman: 'Scuse me toots.
Raoul: My stomach can't take this. This set is a mess! Clean this set up! And get him out of there! Or seal him up in it! Loose the lights! And say lunch!
Raoul: That's lunch. We're on a half.
[Roger climbs out of the refrigerator and follows Raoul off set.]
Roger: Pplpllllease Raoul. I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time.
Raoul: Roger! I've dropped that on your head 23 times already.
Roger: I can take it though. Don't worry about me.
Raoul: I'm not worried about you I'm worried about the refrigerator.
Roger: I can give you stars. [Grabs frying pan off a passing trolley.] Look. [Bang] Look! [Bang] Loook! [Bang] [Bang] [Bang] Plplllease Raoul. I can do it I swear. Just give me another chance. Well, come on Raoul...
[Standing watching all of this is Eddie Valiant.]
Valiant: Phhh. Toons.
[He takes a swig from a bottle and puts it back in a holster on his belt.]
Roger: ...just give me another chance. Look. Watch Raoul. Watch Raoul. Plplplllease, you gotta give me another chance. Come on Raoul!
[A lady opens some double doors and shows Valiant into Maroon's office.]
Secretary: Mr. Maroon, Mr. Valiant's here to...
[R.K. Maroon is watching a piece of a film playing through a moviola and he waves his hand at the woman.]
Secretary: He'll be right with you.
Maroon: No, no, no! Wait until he gets to his feet, -then- hit him with the boulder.
Editor: Right on it.
[The editor wheels the machine away and Maroon turns to Valiant.]
Maroon: How much do you know about show business Mr. Valiant?
Valiant: Only there's no business like it. No business I know.
Maroon: Yeah, and there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You saw the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his work. You know why?
Valiant: One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?
Maroon: Nah! He's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, he goes to pieces just like you or me. Read that. [Hands Valiant a newspaper.]
Valiant: [Reading aloud] 'Seen cooing over Calamari with not so new sugar-daddy was Jessica Rabbit, wife of Maroon cartoon star Roger.' What's this gotta do with me? [Hands paper back.]
Maroon: You're the private detective, you figure it out.
Valiant: Look, I don't have time for this.
Maroon: Look Valiant! His wife's poison but he thinks she's Betty Crocker. I want you to follow her. Get me a couple of nice juicy pictures I can wise the rabbit up with.
Valiant: Forget it. I don't work Toontown.
Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.
Valiant: Well get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.
Maroon: Whoah fella! You don't want to go to Toontown, you don't have to go to Toontown. Nobody said you had to go to Toontown anyway. [Forcing Valiant into a seat] Have a seat Valiant. The rabbit's wife sings at a joint called the Ink and Paint Club. Toon review. Strictly humans only. O.K.? So what do you think Valiant?
[Valiant is more interested in the drinks cabinet.]
Valiant: [Getting up to make himself a drink] The job's gonna cost you a hundred bucks, plus expenses.
Maroon: A hundred bucks! That's ridiculous.
Valiant: So's the job!
Maroon: Alright, alright. You've got your hundred bucks. Have a drink, Eddie.
Valiant: I don't mind if I do. [Looks out of the window]
Background: Look I've got it. Careful Dave. I've got it. Dave, you're gonna drop it. I'm not gonna drop it! You're dropping it!
Some workmen drop some large wooden boxes releasing some toon instruments which begin to play. As Valiant watches, a pair of eyes suddenly appear at the window. <Screech!>
Maroon: Kind of jumpy, aren't you, Valiant? It's just Dumbo.
Valiant: [Getting up from beneath the drinks cabinet and taking the check off of Maroon.] I know who it is.
Maroon: I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the cast of Fantasia. [Opens blinds] Best part is... they work for peanuts! [He throws a handful of peanuts out of the window and Dumbo flies off sucking them up with his trunk.]
Valiant: Well I don't work for peanuts. Where's the other fifty?
Maroon: Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish the job.
Valiant: You've been hanging around rabbits too long. [He leaves the studio passing an ostrich and a frog on the stairs. It was the Fantasia festival. Valiant looks to his right where a sax player is playing The Sorcerer's Apprentice to some brooms sweeping by themselves. From behind them emerges a stork on a bike, apparently a postman, and as he rides by he begins to lose his balance and crashes sending letters everywhere. As he reaches the bottom of the steps a hippo bumps into him.]
Hippo: Oh! Excuse me.
Valiant walks past a group of cows practicing their lines.
Cows: Moo. Moo! Moo? Moo...
The hippo sits on a bench next to a workman and the bench promptly collapses, catapulting the man into the sky.
Hippo: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed.
Valiant crosses the road and tries to catch a tram. He shows the conductor the check Maroon gave him. Bugs Bunny, Goofy and the Saturday's toons are dismissed
Conductor: What do I look like? A bank?
Valiant waits for the tram to go past him and then swings himself onto the back, where two other kids are sitting. Another kid comes running after them.
Kid #1: Wait for me.
Kid #2: Come on! Hurry up!
Kid #3: Hey Mister. Ain't you got a car?
Valiant: Who needs a car in L.A.? We've got the best public transportation system in the world.
Valiant gets off outside his office. Across the road the sign above the tram station: THE WORLDS BEST PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM is being replaced by that of Clover Leaf Industries.
Kids: See you later.
Valiant: Thanks for the cigarettes.
Kids: You bet. You got it.
Postman: Hi Eddie. How's it going?
Valiant: O.K. What you got for me?
Postman: The usual bills.
[Valiant throws the bills in the bin and crosses the road to the Terminal Station Bar.]
Valiant: Harry. You O.K.?
[Valiant passes a tram driver unconscious at one of the tables. He puts his hat, which had fallen off, back on his head and makes his way to the bar.]
Valiant: What's with Earl?
[The man he is asking is mute and writes his answer on a pad of paper.]
Augie: 'LAID OFF.'
Valiant: ...Laid off!
Soldier: A new outfit bought the red car. Some big company called Clover Leaf.
Valiant: No kidding! They bought the red car?
Soldier: Yeah. Put the poor guy on two weeks notice. Cut backs they said.
Valiant: Oh well. Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning, huh?
[Before Valiant can put the glass to his lips a womans hand covers it. He looks up.]
Dolores: Tomorrow's Friday Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?
Valiant: Fish Special?
Dolores: [Taking the drink away from him.] No... My boss checks the books on Friday and if I don't have that money I gave you back in the till I'm gonna lose my job.
Valiant: Don't bust a button Dolores, you've only got one left. [He shows her the check with a big smile on his face.]
Dolores: Fifty bucks! ...Where's the rest?
Valiant: [Looking hurt] Well, it's only a snoop job away. Have you got that camera of yours? Mines in the shop.
Dolores: Wouldn't be the pawn shop by any chance would it?
Valiant: Look. Come on, Dolores. You need the other fifty, I need the camera.
[Dolores gets the camera from behind the till and puts it in front of Valiant.]
Valiant: Any film in there?
Dolores: Should be. Haven't had that roll developed since our trip to Catalina. Sure was a long time ago.
Dolores is having bagels in the basket
Valiant: Yeah, it was a long time ago. We'll have to do that again sometime.
Dolores: [Holding down the crockery as a tram drives past, shaking the building.] Yeah, sure Eddie. Paper even good?
Valiant: Just check the scrawl.
Dolores: R. K. Maroon? As in Maroon cartoons?
Angelo: Maroon cartoons? Hey! So who's your client Mr Detective to the stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirell? Heh, heh, heh.
Dolores: What do you want to drink?
Angelo: I'll take a beer Dol. So what happened, huh? Someone kidnap Dinky Doodle?
Dolores: Cut it out Angelo.
Angelo: [Cracking boiled egg.] Hey. Wait a minute, wait a minute! I know. You're working for little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep and your gonna help her find him! Hey? Heh, heh, heh. Ha, ha, ha!
[Valiant, his patience run out, kicks the stool from under Angelo who falls on his jaw on the edge of the bar.]
Valiant: Get this straight, meatball. I... Don't... Work... For toons.
[Eddie stuffs the boiled egg into Angelo's mouth and stomps out of the bar.]
Angelo: [Looking at the disappearing Valiant.] So what's his problem?
Dolores: Toon killed his brother.
Angelo: What? Huh?
Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.
Valiant walks down a gloomy alleyway and knocks on a door. A hatch slides open and a bloodshot eye appears in the hole.
Gorilla: Got the password?
Valiant: Walt sent me. [The hatch slides open and after a moments delay the door slowly creaks open. Behind the door hulks the massive body of a gorilla in a suit] Nice monkey suit.
Gorilla: Wise Ass!
Valiant walks down a short corridor towards a door behind which can be heard the sound of a piano playing. As Valiant opens the door there is an explosion of sound of piano playing. On a stage opposite Donald and Daffy Duck are playing a dueling pianos. Watching this are numerous people seated round small tables and being served by toon penguins from Mary Poppins. At the bar an octopus is serving several customers at once.
Donald: Quack, quack. Cut it out!
Daffy: Does anybody understand what this duck is saying?
Woman: Mmm, most amusing.
Man: A bit more wine?
Daffy: I've worked with a lot of wise quackers, but you are despicable!
Donald: Doggone, stubborn, little... I'll get it! Aahh!
Daffy: This is the last time I work with someone with a speech impediment!
Donald: Oh yeah?!
Donald grabs Daffy, throws him into the piano and slams it shut on him, leaving only his beak sticking out.
Daffy: This means war.
As Valiant stands watching all of this a bald man squirts ink on Valiant's shirt with a pen.
Marvin: Ha, ha, ha!
Valiant: You think that's funny?
Marvin: It's a panic!
Valiant: [Grabbing him] You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose!
Marvin: Now calm down son, will ya. Look, the stains gone. It's disappearing ink. No hard feelings I hope? Look, I'm...
Valiant: I know who you are. Marvin Acme. The guy that owns Toontown. The Gag King.
Marvin: If it's Acme, it's gasser! Put it there pal. <Zzzzt> The hand buzzer! Still our biggest seller! Ha, ha, ha.
Totally unamused sits down and a penguin from Mary Poppins comes up to take his order. Valiant slams the menu back on the tray without looking at it.
Valiant: Scotch on the rocks. ...And I mean ice!
Donald is playing both piano's at once.
Donald: This is hot stuff.
Daffy takes over and behind him appears a devilish Donald who nearly blows Daffy's head of with a cannon.
Daffy: Heh-Huh! Hoo! Heh-Hoo! Hoo! Heh-Hoo! Heh-Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Two hooks appear from either side of the stage and pull the ducks off the stage to the applause of the audience.
Marvin: Hey, those ducks are funny! They, they never get to finish the act! Ha, ha, ha.
Valiant: Right. [Penguin from Mary Poppins gives Valiant his drink.] Thanks... [Finds stones in it.] ...Toons!
Betty Boop: Cigars! Cigarettes! Eddie Valiant!
Betty Boop: Long time no see!
Valiant: What you doing here?
Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to colour. But I still got it Eddie. Boo boo bedoo. Boop!
Valiant: Yeah, you still got it.
[There is a growing commotion behind Valiant. He turns to indicate Acme who is gesticulating towards the stage.]
Valiant: What's with him?
Betty Boop: Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.
Valiant: Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
[The room goes suddenly quiet and the silence is broken when a huskily voiced woman begins to sing. As she appears from behind the curtains the men go wild.]
Jessica: 'You had plenty money 1922,
You let all the women make a fool of you, Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too.
Valiant: [Unable to take his eyes away from Jessica.] She's married to Roger Rabbit?
Betty Boop: Yeah. What a lucky goirl.
Now if you had prepared twenty years ago. You wouldn't be a-wandring now from door to door. Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too. Get out of here, get me some money too. Why don't you do right, like some other men... doooo? <Applause>
[Valiant follows Marvin to Jessica's room.]
Jessica: Who is it?
Marvin: Jessica dear, have no fear, your Marvin is here!
[The door closes behind him, muffling his words. Valiant tries to peer through the keyhole.]
Marvin: You sure murdered 'em again tonight, baby. I really mean it. My darling, you were superb. You absolutely, truly and honestly fashmolyed that audience. You killed them. You slayed them. You belted them into little pieces...
[A large shadow casts itself over Valiants back and a large hand taps him roughly on the shoulder.]
Gorilla: What do think you're doing, chump?
Valiant: Who you calling a chump, chimp?
[The gorilla throws Valiant out of the door over by the dump.]
Valiant: Aaaarrrggghh! Oof!
Gorilla: And don't let me catch your peeping face around here again. Got it!
Valiant: Ooga booga!
[Valiant dust himself off and is about to leave when he hears Jessica and Marvin talking through one of the nearby windows. He pulls up a box and peers through a gap in the curtains.]
Marvin: Come my dear, Jessica. I'm over here. I've got everything you need, right here, on the bed.
Jessica: Oh, not tonight Marvin. I have a headache.
Marvin: But Jessica! You promised.
Jessica: Oh... alright. But this time take off that hand buzzer.
Marvin: Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake, patty cake...
Marvin: Patty cake, patty cake...
Jessica: Marvin! Oh!
Marvin: Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake!
Jessica: Oh Marvin!
Valiant: You've gotta be kidding me!
Marvin: Patty cake! Patty cake!
[Maroon's Office and Roger is rattling the blinds.]
Roger: Patty cake! Patty cake! Ahah! I don't believe it! [crying loudly] [Headbutting desk] Patty cake! Patty cake! Is that true?
Maroon: Take comfort, son. You're not the first man whose wife played patty cake on him.
[Maroon hands him a handkerchief which Roger blows into with gusto. He hands it back dripping with water and Maroon hands it to Valiant.]
Roger: I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it!
Valiant: [Dropping the hanky into the bin with a splash.] Believe it kid. I took the pictures myself. She played patty cake.
Roger: [Flicking through the pictures faster and faster so it looks like they are moving.] No... not my Jessica! Not patty cake. This is impossible. I don't believe it. It can't be. It just can't be. Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! [Throws pictures into the air.] Jessica's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee.
Valiant: You better start drinking it black, 'cause Acme's taking the cream now.
Maroon: Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years. Who would have thought he was a sugar daddy?
Roger: Somebody must have made her do it.
Maroon: [Handing Roger a glass] Now, drink this son. It'll make you feel better.
Roger: <Gulp> Ahh... Eech! Gaahh! Brblbllllllll...
Roger turns a variety of different colours and his eyes bulge. He suddenly shoots into the air and emits a whistling sound so high pitched that it breaks all the glasses in the room including the one held by Valiant and the glass awards on the shelves, broken lamp and the bottle of beer. As the whistling dies down Roger collapses back into the seat and mutters...
Roger: Thanks, I needed that.
...before falling face down on the table.
Valiant: [Shaking the liquor of his hands] Son of a bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon, I think my work here is finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?
Maroon: A deal's a deal. [Hands Valiant the check]
Valiant: Great... Thanks.
Maroon: Roger. I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
Valiant: Yeah, sure. A good looking guy like that. [chuckles] The dames'll be breaking his door down.
Roger: [Suddenly coming to life again.] Dames! What dames?
Roger grabs Valiant by the collar and shouts at him forcing Valiant back onto the desk. He broke and smashed the windows.
Roger: Jessica's the only one to me! You'll see. We'll rise above this pickling peccadillo! We're going to be happy again. You got that? Happy! Capital H-A-P-P-I!
Roger crashes through the window leaving a rabbit shaped hole in the glass and the blinds.
Valiant: Well, at least he took it well...
As Valiant and Maroon stare dumbfounded out of the window the blinds crash down.
Roger is across the road at the Acme factory looking at his photos.
One is of him and Jessica on their wedding day.
Another is of the two of them on their honeymoon on a beach.
The last is of the two of them hugging each other in a bar.
Roger: [crying] Oh Jessica... P-p-pllllease tell me it's not true. [sobs] P-p-p-p-pllllease! [continues crying]
Valiant returns to his office. He takes off his jacket and starts to take the photos down from the line where he had hung them. When Valiant goes through the photos back at his office he finds old pictures of him and Dolores mucking around on a beach. Smiling, he flicks through them however he finds pictures of him and his brother and seems close to tears. He gets drunk. On the other side of the desk is a chair covered in dust. In front of this on the desk is a sign reading Theodore J. Valiant. Covering the desk are numerous newspaper clippings of toon cases they solved. Soon it's morning and another man is in the room. Valiant is asleep with his head on the desk. the man throws the empty bottle in front of Valiant into the bin and drops it on the floor.
Valiant: Zzzzzzz <Bang> Yarghh! [He leaps upright in his seat and stares groggily at the man beside him.] Lieutenant Santino, where'd you come from?
Santino: [Looking at the photos.] Gee whizz Eddie. If you needed money so bad why didn't you come to me?
Valiant: [Trying to pour the last dribble from the bottle.] So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill me.
Santino: I already have a stiff on my hands, thank you!
Santino: Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.
[They drive to the Acme factory. As Santino walks away, Valiant stands looking towards Toon Town.]
Pinocchio I: Now what?
Valiant: It's just I haven't been this close to Toontown for a while.
[A figure comes flying over the wall, trailing fire, and bounces to a halt in front of the two men.]
Yosemite Sam: Ahhhhhhhh!! Ow! Ooh!! Eee! Ow!! My briskets are burning! Fire in the hatch! Ow!! Ooohh!! Eee!! Great hornitoads, that smarts! [Sits in a puddle.] <Sssssst> Ahhh.
Santino: Come on Eddie. Let's get this over with... [The two men walk into the Acme Factory. Santino speaks to the cop on guard at the door...] He's with me.
[They are met with the sight of a body in the middle of the warehouse floor. On it's head is a very large safe.]
Santino: Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's head. Sorry Eddie. Ahem. Better wait here, alright?
Policeman: Hey, Chishold. Get a load of this! [Pinocchio]
Pinocchio: [Holding up a black disk] Seen one of these?
[He throws it on a wall and puts his hand through it.]
Policemen: Ha ha ha ha.
Detective: Hey guys!
Valiant turns to see a detective holding a mallet. From it springs a boxing glove on the end of a retractable arm. This narrowly misses Valiant twice, knocking down piles of boxes behind him.
Detective: Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? Or did you change your name to Jack Daniels? Ha ha ha.
Valiant: [To a man picking yellow paint from the rope attached to the safe.] What's that?
Man: Paint from the rabbit's glove.
Jessica: Mr. Valiant.
Valiant turns to see Jessica and he runs his eyes over her body. She, however, slaps him hard across the face.
Jessica: I hope you're proud of yourself, and those pictures you took. [storms out.]
As Acme's body is being carried away on a stretcher the men carrying it bump into one of the many piles of boxes and one bursts open to release pairs of toon shoes and boots. In the ensuing confusion to get the boots back into the box Acmes body is bumped into and his arm drops out from under the sheet and something falls from his hand. Valiant sees this and he bends down to pick it up. As his hand closes around it a walking stick jabs painfully into his hand.
He looks up to see a man dressed all in black with a black hat and orange tinted glasses. His skin is a deathly grey color.
Doom: Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime?
Santino: Er, no Judge Doom. Uh, Valiant here was just picking it up for ya. Weren't you Eddie?
Doom: Hand it over.
Valiant grasps Dooms hand and there is a buzzing sound and Dooms body goes rigid. Doom takes the hand buzzer.
Valiant: His number one seller.
Doom: [An artificial smile momentarily adorns Dooms face.] I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.
Valiant: I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R. K. Maroon.
Doom: Yes. We talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit said one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?
Valiant: Pal, do I look like a stenographer?
Santino: Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's in charge.
Doom: That's alright, lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze, talking. No matter. The rabbit wont get far. My men will find him.
The warehouse doors burst open and careering through them comes a black van which crashes into a pile of boxes before stopping. The doors open to reveal weasels inside.
Doom: Yes. I find they have a special gift for the work.
Smart Ass: Alright yer mugs, fall out.
Doom: Did you find the rabbit?
Smart Ass: Don't worry Judge. We got "deformants" all over the city. We'll find him.
Doom: [Turning back to Valiant] You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be Mr. Valiant?
Valiant: Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.
Doom: I'm surprised you're not more cooperative Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?
Doom suddenly becomes aware of a rubbing at the base of his leg and looks down to see a lone toon shoe.
Shoe: Beep! Beep!
Doom: [Whilst putting on a large black rubber glove.] Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction my goal has been to reign in the insanity. And the only way to do that is to make Toons respect... [He emphasizes this by letting the glove snap back onto his arm] ...the law.
Doom picks up the toon and carries it toward the van.
Valiant: [Whispering to Santino.] How did that gargoyle get to be a Judge?
Santino: Spread a bunch of Semolians around Toontown a couple of years back back. Bought the election.
Valiant: Huh. What's that?
Inside the van is a barrel and Doom throws off the lid to reveal a green liquid inside.
Santino: Remember how we always thought there wasn't a way to kill a Toon? Well Doom found a way. Turpentine, Acetone, Benzene. He calls it the Dip.
Doom begins to lower the toon into the dip.
Doom: I'll catch the rabbit Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him.
As Doom is speaking the toon is slowly dissolving. Santino has to look away.
Psycho: Hee hee hee hee hee!
Greasy: Heh eh! That's one dead shoe huh Boss? [the gloves covered with blood]
Doom: They're not kid gloves Mr. Valiant. But this is how we handle things down in Toontown. I'd think you of all people would appreciate that.
Valiant returns to his office and in front of the office door Valiant sees a woman bending over a pram. Valiant stands there for a while looking at her legs but then she pulls out a lighter and puts it in the pram.
Valiant: [Running to stop her.] Uh... Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute! Hey, hey!
The woman looks round to reveal Baby Herman in the pram. He puffs out smoke from his cigar. Valiant is smell like tobacco.
Sitter: I've been trying to make him quit but he just wont listen to me.
B. Herman: What do you know you dumb broad? You got the I.Q. of a rattle. You Valiant?
B. Herman: I want to talk to you about the Acme murder. Hey. Pssssss. Doll. Why don't you run downstairs and get me a racing form? <Smack>
Sitter: Oooh! O.K. O.K. I'm going.
Valiant: The lady's man huh?
B. Herman: My problem is, I've got a 50-year-old lust and a 3-year-old dinky.
Valiant: Yeah. Must be tough.
B. Herman: Look, Valiant. The rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer. I should know. He's a dear friend of mine. I tell you, Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. [Hands Valiant a newspaper.] The paper says Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Every toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us Toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off!
Valiant: Has anybody ever seen this will?
B. Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
Valiant: If you believe that that joker could do anything solid, the gags on you pal!
B. Herman: I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might want to help get him out. I can pay ya.
Valiant: Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!
Valiant, angered by the fact that a toon wants him to work for him, turns the pram round, takes of the brakes and rolls it down the hall.
B. Herman: Hey, no! Valiant, don't!
The cot collides with his sitter and B. Herman's cigar falls over the side of the pram.
B. Hermam: Oh! My stoogie! Waaaaaggghhh!
Valiant looks back smiling and lets himself into the office. He sits down at his desk pouring himself a drink and looking at the newspaper.
Valiant: It ain't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. [Drinks the drink.] All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures...
As Valiant takes off his jacket he bends over the pictures of Acme and Jessica he took the night before and notices something in Acmes pocket magnified by the glass he put on top of it. Opening a bag he gets out his magnifying glass to get a closer look. In Marvins pocket an envelope sticks out with the words 'Last Will and Testament' written on it.
Valiant: The baby was right! The hell with it.
Valiant crosses over the office to some drawers which he pulls to reveal a fold up bed. He gets in and rolls over to come face to face with Roger.
Eddie & Roger: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagghh!
[They both leap out of bed.]
Valiant: How the hell did you get in here?
Roger: Through the mail slot. I thought it would be best if I waited inside, seeing how I'm wanted for murder.
Valiant: No kidding! Just talking to you could get me a rap for aiding and abbeting. Wait a minute. Anybody know you're here?
Roger: Nobody. [Leaping on to the bed.] Not a soul. Except er...
Roger: Well you see, I didn't know where you're address was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the greengrocer, the butcher, the baker. They didn't know! But the liquor store guy. He knew.
Valiant: In other words the whole damn town knows! [Grabs Roger and tries to throw him out the door.] Come on get out of here. Get out! Get out of the door will ya! Get out!
Roger: Hey! Hey Eddie, take it easy will ya. Please Eddie, don't throw me out. You're making a big mistake. I didn't kill anybody. I swear. This whole thing's a set up. A scam. A frame job! Ow! Eddie. I could never hurt anybody. [Valiant is stretching Roger out in his attempt to make Roger let go of the door frame.] Ow! My whole purpose in life is to maaake, peeeeopllllle, laugh!
Roger's grip on the door frame finally breaks and the two of them fly backwards across the office. Valiant lands in a heap on the floor and Roger lands on the bed.
Roger: O.K. O.K. Sure, I admit it. I got a little steamed when you showed me those pictures of Jessica. So I ran down to the Ink...
[Valiant dives at Roger but merely sends Roger into the air and Valiant lands in a heap on the other side of the bed.]
Roger: ...and Paint Club. But she wasn't in her dressing room so I wrote her a love letter.
Valiant: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You're telling me, that in a fit of jealousy you wrote you're wife a love letter?
Roger: That's right! I know she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.
Valiant: I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine huh?
Roger: Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice clean piece of paper. [He holds it up and begins to read.] 'Dear Jessica. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one thousand! Two one thousand! Three one thousand! Four one thous...'
Valiant: Why didn't you just leave the letter there?
Roger: Obviously a poem of this power and sensitivity must... [Valiant grabs Roger by the ears and throws him out of his way.] Aaaaaaagh!... be read in person so I went home to wait for her but the weasels were there waiting for me! So.... So I ran.
Valiant: So why come to me? I'm the guy that took the pictures of your wife!
[Roger looks through a book containing newspaper cuttings of Valiant's past cases.]
Roger: Yeah! And you're also the guy that helped all these toons. Everybody knows when a toon's in trouble there's only one place to go. Valiant and Valiant.
Valiant: Not anymore. [Looks up to see Roger about to sit in a dusty chair opposite Valiant.] Get out of that chair!... It's my brother's chair.
Roger: Yeah! Where is your brother anyway? [Looking at picture.] He looks like a sensitive and, sober fellow.
Valiant: That's it. [Picks up the phone.] I'm calling the cops.
Roger: Go ahead! Call the cops! I come here for help and what do you do? You turn me in. No don't. Don't feel guilty about me. [Opens a door.] So long... and thanks for nothing.
[Roger slams the door behind him sending a pile of papers on a nearby set of drawers crashing down.]
Valiant: That's the closet! Stupe.
[Valiant gets up and opens the door. There is no one inside. Suddenly Roger appears from inside one of the jackets.]
Roger: Eddie Valiant! You're under arrest! [Puts handcuffs on Valiant.] Plplplplplll!!
Valiant: Get outta here! [Throws Roger out and on to the bed] Idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs.
[Outside comes the sound of a car siren.]
[Roger shoots across to the other side of the room dragging Valiant with him and opens the blinds to look outside. It is the weasels.]
Smart Ass: Come on! Get the lead out will ya! Move it would ya! Move it!
Roger: Yaaaagh! It's the Toon Patrol!
[Roger dives under the bed dragging Valiant with him but the bed folds up into the wall.]
Roger: Hide me, Eddie. Plplplplease.
[He then tries hiding in some drawers making Valiant bang his head on the side.]
Roger: [From the top drawer] Remember, you never saw me.
Valiant: Get outta there!
Roger: Don't let em... [Valiant pulls Roger out.] ...find me! Come on, Eddie. You're my only hope!
Smart Ass: [Banging on door] Open up in the name of the law! (We know where you are. We know you're in there! Open the door Valiant.)
Roger: Plplplease Eddie. You know there's no justice for toons anymore. If the weasels get their hands on me... I'm as good as dip.
Smart Ass: Don't make us wait up, Valiant. We just want the rabbit.
Roger: What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
[There is more banging on the door.]
Valiant: What's all this we stuff? They just want the rabbit.
The handle to the door is shot off by a machine gun. The door swings open to reveal a Wheezy holding the gun and then the other weasels appear and begin to make their way into the room.
Greasy: Looks like they gave us the slip, huh, boss?
Smart Ass: Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere. [He sees Valiant at the sink and pulls a chair up to him and holds a gun at his head.] Hold it right there.
Valiant: Hello boys. I didn't hear you come in.
[Smart Ass pulls up a chair and stands on top of it.]
Smart Ass: O.K. wise guy. Where's the rabbit?
Valiant: Haven't seen him.
Smart Ass: <Sniff> What's in there?
Valiant: [Holding up wet sock] My lingerie.
Smart Ass: Gech! See you, Valiant.
[As Smart Ass turns away Roger suddenly bursts out of the sink.]
Roger: Cough! Gag!
[Valiant hurriedly forces Roger back under and Smart Ass gives Valiant a suspicious look.]
Smart Ass: Search the place boys. And leave no stone "interned". [Stands on the chair again.] Look, Valiant. We got a reliable tip off that the rabbit was here. It was "corrugated" by several others. So cut the "bullschkit".
Valiant: You keep talking like that and I'm going to have to wash your mouth out.
[Valiant stuffs the soap in Smart Ass' mouth and he rolls down the stairs.]
Smart Ass: Ooomph!
[Roger bursts out of the sink again.]
Stupid: Herh herh herh herh!
Greasy: Hagh Hagh hagh hagh!
Wheezy: Hehh Hehh hheh!
Psycho: Hee heee hee-hee!
Smart Ass: Stop that laughing! [He whacks Wheezy sending him flying across the room to crash into the blinds.] Stop that laughing! You know what happens when you can't... [He wacks Greasy over the head.] ...stop... [He wacks Psycho over the head.] ...laughing. [He throws the plunger at stupid which sicks on his face and onto the filing cabinet.] One of these days you're gonna die laughing. [Leaps up on to chair.] As for you Valiant. Step outta line and we'll hang you and your laundry out, to dry... [Splashes the water in the sink] Heh eh eh! Come on boy's. Let's am-scray.
[Roger bursts out of the sink and water fountains out of his mouth.]
Valiant: They're gone.
Roger: [Ringing the water out of his ears.] Jeepers, Eddie! That was swell. You saved my life! How can I ever repay ya!
[He grabs Valiant and gives him a big kiss. Valiant struggles and throws him off.]
Valiant: Mmmmmmmeurh! For starters, don't EVER kiss me again. Sphphh!
[Valiant arrives at the bar with Roger hidden under his coat.]
Valiant: Will you stop kicking me? Stop kicking, will ya! Dolores. Dolores! DOLORES! [Roger keeps trying to stick his head out from under Valiant's jacket.] Ssshh.
Man: Hey Eddie! You made front page today!
Valiant: Yeah. I guess I made some ink.
Man: What ink!
Roger: [Finally getting his head free.] Jeepers Eddie. That com com completplech! [Valiant stuffs Roger back under his coat forming a big bulge.]
Dolores: So tell me Eddie. Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Valiant: Cut the comedy Dolores. I've had a very hard day. I've gotta get outta these cuffs.
Dolores: Oh, swell.
[Dolores leads Valiant through a secret door to the hidden door beyond.]
Roger: Whooo! Jeepers Eddie! That almost killed me! [Dolores turns on the light.] Boy. What is this? Some kind of a secret room?
Dolores: It's a rough gut room. A hold over for probation?
Roger: Oh I get it. A speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlour.
Dolores: The tools are up here, Eddie.
[Roger suddenly runs across the room dragging Valiant across with him and knocking Dolores over.]
Roger: Look at this. It's a fire hose. Jeepers Eddie. This would be a great place to hide.
[Roger peers through the holes in the wall and knocks a bottle over with his eyes.]
Valiant: Crazy toons. Oof!
[Valiant pulls Roger away and in so doing knocks his head on the low light.]
Roger: Watch your head.
Dolores: I thought you said you'd never take another toon case? What, did you have a change of heart?
Valiant: [Starts sawing at the handcuffs.] Nothing's changed. Somebody's made a patsy out of me and I'm gonna find out why. [Starts to saw at cuff] Hold still will ya?
[Roger slips his hand out of the cuff and stands in front of Valiant.]
Roger: Does this help?
Valiant: Yeah. Thanks...
[Valiant looks up at Roger and stops sawing. Roger hurriedly puts his hand back in the cuff.]
Valiant: Do you mean to tell me you could have taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?
Roger: No! Not at any time. Only when it was funny! Plplplplpl! [Shoots across the room to land in a rotating chair.] Come on Eddie! Where's your sense of humour?
Dolores: Is he always this funny, or only on days he's wanted for murder?
Roger: [Leaning forward.] Listen. My philosophy is this. If you don't have a good sense of humour, you're better of dead.
Valiant: You just make it your wish untill I can figure out what happened to this! [Throws the photo to Dolores]
Roger: What is it Eddie?
Valiant: Just look at it.
Roger: Mr. Acme's will...
Valiant: Yeah, and I think Maroon played the part of sound mind and your wife the sound body.
Roger: [Waving tool in the air.] Why. I resent that innuendo.
Dolores: What's the scheme Eddie? [with a hammer]
Valiant: I don't think they got to the will.
Dolores: But how do you know?
Valiant: Because they were still looking for it after they killed him.
Dolores: Anything I can do?
Valiant: Maybe you could go down and check the probate.
Roger: Yeah! Check the probate! Why. My Uncle Thumper had a problem with his probate and he had to take these big pills and drink lots of water.
Valiant: Not prostate you idiot! Probate.
Roger: Let me get this straight! You think my boss, R.K.Maroon dropped a safe on Marvin Acme's head so he could get his hands on Toontown?!
Valiant: Yeah. That's my hunch. Now, could he stay here for a couple of days?
Dolores: Not going to do anything crazy is he?
Roger: [Rubbing a knife file through his ears.] Ooo. Oooh hoo hoo!
Dolores: Where are you going?
Valiant: Back to the office.
[At Valiant's office a shadow of a woman casts itself over the door from the inside.]
Jessica: Mr. Valiant. Mr. Valiant?
[There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Valiant emerges from the bathroom.]
Jessica: You've got the wrong idea about me, Mr. Valiant. I'm a pawn in this just like Roger. Can you help me find him? Just name your price, and I'll pay it.
Valiant: Yeah, I bet you will. You've got to have the rabbit to make this scam work.
Jessica: No, no, no. I love my husband. You've got me all wrong. You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
Valiant: Yeah, well, you don't know how hard it is, being a man, looking at a woman looking the way you do.
Jessica: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
Valiant: Weren't you the one I caught playing pattycake for old man Acme?
Jessica: You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.
Valiant: What are you talking about?
Jessica: Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those patty cake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband Mr. Valiant. Anything.
Valiant: What a wife.
Jessica: I'm desperate, Mr. Valiant. Can't you see how much I need you?
[Valiant trousers fall down.]
Dolores: Ahem! Dabbling in water colours Eddie?
[Valiant rapidly tries to pull up his trousers and as he stands up his head comes up between Jessica's breasts.]
Valiant: Sorry. Ha.
Jessica: Goodbye Eddie. My offer stands firm. Think about it.
[As Jessica leaves she blows a kiss at Valiant which flutters across the room and smacks onto Valiant's cheek.]
Dolores: Well! [She pulls off the kiss.] Do you want to tell me what she was doing with her arms around you?
Valiant: Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife!
Dolores: Oh, come on, Eddie. I caught you with your pants down!
Valiant: Yeah, well I didn't... [Dolores leaves.] Dolores, come...
[Valiant rushes after Dolores catching her outside]
Valiant: Come on, Delores. You don't believe a painted hussy like that could turn my head? She's just trying to get her hands on the rabbit.
Dolores: That's not all she's trying to get her hands on.
Valiant: Now look, Dolores, listen. Listen to me. I want you to go out. I want you to buy a new swimsuit cause you and me are going to Catalina. I'm on the verge of wrapping up this case.
Dolores: No you're not, Eddie. That's what I came to tell you. I stopped by probate. Maroon's not after Toontown like you thought. It's Cloverleaf that want to get their hands on Toontown. They put in the highest bid, and unless Mr. Acme's will shows up by midnight tonight, Cloverleaf is going to own Toontown.
Valiant: What? By midnight tonight?
Dolores: That's right.
Valiant: First they buy the red car. Then they want to get their hands on Toontown. I don't get it.
[In the background can be heard Roger singing.]
[As Valiant and Dolores rush off a manhole in the road lifts up to reveal the weasels.]
Psycho: Hee hee!
Smart Ass: The rabbit! Get the Judge.
[Inside the bar Roger is singing on the bar.]
Roger: '...Oh, Roger is my name,
and laughter is my game! Come on, cowpoke, it's just a joke! Don't sit there on your brain!
[Inside the bar Roger is putting on a show from atop the counter.]
Woo hoo hoo! Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? Quasimodo? Woo hoo!
'My buddy's Eddie V A sourpuss you'll see But when I'm done He'll need no gun Cause a joker he will be
C, D, E, F, G, H, I!
I-I-I-I love to raise some cain Believe me it's no strain It feels so great To smash a plate And look, there's no pain. [Smashes plate on his head.]
The record keeps repeating itself and so does Roger.
No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.]
[Valiant immediately knocks the needle from sewing and grabs Roger by the ears.]
Dolores: Help him!
[Takes the plate away from Roger and then accidentally smash all the remaining plates onto the floor taking Roger to the secret room.]
Roger: Ooh! Hooh hooh.
[Valiant then throws him through the door of the secret room.]
[Roger lands head first in a bucket which gets stuck and Roger struggles to get it off.]
Roger: Hey, who turned out the lights? I can't see a thing! What's going on?
Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!
[Roger finally kicks the bucket off and Valiant catches it.]
Roger: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.
Valiant: Sit down!
Roger: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.
Valiant: Yeah. And when they're done laughing they're gonna call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.
Roger: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
Valiant: Why? Just because you made him laugh?
Roger: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have. Laughter is the most important... [A red light starts to flash.]
Dolores: [Pressing a switch beneath the bar.] Hix-nay. Hix-nay!
Doom: [enters the bar.] I'm looking for a murderer... A rabbit. [Most people suddenly leave the bar.] A toon rabbit about, yeay... [He pushes a dwarf down to his knees.] ...big.
Dolores: Look, there's no rabbit here so stop harassing my customers.
Doom: I didn't come here to harass. I came here to reward.
[He walks up to the one armed soldier and grabs his empty sleeve and rubs out the word FRENCH on the menu black board. He then starts to add his own word making the chalk screech and the people in the bar cringe. When he has finished the board reads: 'RABBIT DIP $5000--']
Angelo: <Whistle> Hey! I seen a rabbit.
Roger: <Gulp> [Roger shrugs in horror and disbelief]
Angelo: He's right here in the bar. Well say hello... [He puts his arms around empty air.] ...Harvey! Heh heh heh!
Roger: [Relieved] I told ya so!
[Doom suddenly hears the record player turning and walking over the broken crockery he takes the record off and examines it.]
Doom: Merry go round broke down. Quite a loony selection for a group of drunken reprobates.
[Everyone in the bar has a guilty silence. Doom sniffs the record.]
Doom: He's here!
[Doom throws the record like a frisbee and it lodges itself in Stupid's mouth.]
Weasels: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Doom: Stop that laughing! [smashing the table] Have you forgotten what happened last time? If you don't stop that laughing, you're gonna end up dead just like your idiot hyena cousins.
Smart Ass: Hey Boss. You want we should "disresemble" the place?
Doom: No, sergeant. Disassembling the place wont be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me. [He taps on the bar with his walking stick all but the last two notes for "Shave and a Haircut".]
Doom: No toon can resist the shave and a haircut trick.
[Doom repeats tapping all but last two notes of "Shave and a Haircut" several more times while walking to closer spots around the bar.]
Valiant: I don't know who's toonier. You or Doom...
[Valiant turns and sees Roger sitting on the desk going mad with the strain of not tapping out the response to Doom's tapping. However his sleeve is caught and he is powerless to help.]
Valiant: Roger. Roger! Roger! Roger, no! Roger, don't! Don't!
Doom: [taps on the other side of the wall from Valiant and Roger] Shave and a haircut...
Roger: [Bursting through the wall.] Two bits! [Doom grabs him round the throat.] Hhhhmmmh!
Smart Ass: [Indicating Valiant.] Hey Judge. What shall we do with the wall flower?
Doom: We'll see to him later. Right now I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some dip!...
Doom: Does the condemned have anything to say before his sentence is carried out?
Roger: Why yeah. [Doom tightens his grasp] Hhhmmh!
Valiant: Dolores. A bourbon. And make it a double.
Dolores: Fine time for a drink, Eddie. Maybe you'd like a bowl of pretzels to go with it?
Valiant: Just pour the drink, Dolores. [Dolores pours the drink in the glass cup] Hey, Judge! Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?
Roger: Yeah. Nose plugs would be nice!
Valiant: I think you want a drink. How about it Judge?
Doom: Well. Why not. I don't mind prolonging the execution.
Valiant: Happy trails.
Roger: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.
Valiant: Drink the drink!
Roger: But I don't want the drink!
Doom: He doesn't want the drink.
Valiant: He does.
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You do!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You do!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You do!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You don't!
Roger: I do!
Valiant: You don't!
Roger: I do!
Valiant: You don't!
Roger: Listen, when I say I do it means I do.<Gulp> Aaaaaaggghh!
[Roger leaps into the air and emits the same ear-piercing whistling sound as before in Maroons office, breaking all the bottles, mustard jars, cider vinegar bottles and glasses. Valiant fights the weasels. Smashes all the tables and break the bottle. As the drink's effect on Roger wears out he nearly falls in the dip but Valiant catches him.]
Valiant: Got you kid!
Roger: Come on Eddie! Let's get outta here! Move it pops! YIKES!! [Roger rushes out with Valiant following after he has knocked over the barrel of dip to slow down the toons.]
Roger: Yeah! That was quick thinking Eddie! Nothin' like using the ol' spine flower, the wise noodle, the smart puddin'!
Valiant: Roger! Let's use this! [He grabs Roger and throws him in the weasels van.]
Roger: Yaaaaggh! Let's get outta here! What are you waiting for?
Valiant: There's no damn key!
[From the back comes a voice.]
Benny: Hey, you weasels. Let me outta here will ya? Come on. I've gotta make a living!
Roger: [Opening the hatch and looking back.] Benny! Is that you?
Benny: No! It's Eleanor Roosevelt! Come on Roger. Let me outta here!
[Roger squeezes through the hatch and the love letter to Jessica falls into Valiant's lap. He puts it in his pocket.]
Roger: Eddie! We got ourselves a ride! Open the doors!
[Valiant opens the van doors and a toon taxi cab leaps out.]
Benny: Ah! That's better! I can't believe they locked me up for driving on a sidewalk!
Roger: Come on Eddie! Get in!
Benny: It was just a coupl'a miles!
Valiant: I'll drive.
Roger: But I wanna drive.
Benny: No! I'll drive! I'm the cab! [Nearly running a man over.] Outta my way pencil neck! How about this weather huh? It never rains!
Smart Ass: [Rushing out with the rest of the weasels.] They stole the cab. Let's go!
Benny: And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers! Aren't they bums or what?
Smart Ass: Move over. I'm driving.
Roger: [Looking back.] Benny. Eddie. We've got company!
Benny: Will you look at these two? Excuse me ladies! [Squeezes between two cars.]
Benny: Now that's what I call a couple of road hogs!
Smart Ass: I'm gonna blow his head off!
[Smart Ass shoots out of the window but misses. A tram pulls out in front of Benny.]
Roger: Benny! Look out for the... Yaaaaggghhhhhh! Eddie! There's cops right behind us!
Benny: Not for long Roger! [Reverses down alley way.] Now they're right in front of us!
Roger: Eddie! We're going backwards! Turn us around! Give me the wheel! Give me the wheel! [Benny spins round] The cops are still on our tail!
Valiant: I know the cops are still on our tail. What do you think I am, bli--? Benny!!
[In front of them they see the weasels driving straight for them.]
Benny: Pull the lever!
Eddie: Which one?
Roger: Which one?
Benny: Which one?!
[A sign appears on the dashboard with an arrow and the words <THIS ONE STUPID!>]
Smart Ass: I'm gonna ram `em.
[Just before the weasels hit them Benny suddenly raises up on his wheels and drives over the van.]
Benny: I'm getting too old for this!
[The weasels collide with the cops and send them flying.]
Roger: Jumping Jeepers!
Benny: Hey Roger. What do you call in the middle of a song?
Roger: Gee, I don't know, Benny. A BRIDGE!!!
[Benny nearly hits a bridge but leaps over the side wall to land on the road, nearly hitting a woman and smashing through the railings in the middle.]
Benny: Well fellas. Where can I drop ya?
Roger: Somewhere we can hide.
Benny: I got just the place. And incidentally, if you should ever need a ride just stick out your thumb! Hey ladies! Share the road will ya!
[Valiant and Roger are at a cinema]
Background: Ah. Now that wasn't so bad was it?
Roger: Hoo hooo! Hooo hoo hoo! [With a popcorn] Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy! What timing! What finess! What a genius! Hooo hoo! [Valiant pulls Roger back to the seat next to him by his ears.] Ow!
Valiant: We're supposed to be hiding. What's wrong with you?
[Valiant slaps Roger upside the head]
Roger: What's wrong with you? You're the only person in this theatre that isn't laughing! Is there nothing that can permeate your impervious puss? Hey Eddie! [Pulls funny face.] Plplplll! Boy, nothing. What could have possibly happened to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?
Valiant: You wanna know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.
Roger: A toon? No.
Valiant: That's right. A toon. We were investigating the robbery of the first national bank of Toontown. Back in those days me and Teddy liked working in Toontown. Thought it was a lot of laughs. Ha. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion semolians. We trailed him down to a little dive down in Yahtzel Street. Went in. Only he got the drop on us. Literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm. Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing,with those burning red eyes and that high squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toon town after that.
Roger: Boo hoooo hoohoohoo hoooo! No wonder you hate me! If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too.
Valiant: Come on. Don't cry. I don't hate you.
Roger: Yes you do!
Valiant: No I don't.
Roger: You do hate me. Otherwise you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.
Valiant: Come on. I'm sorry I yanked your ears.
Roger: All the times you yanked my ears?
Valiant: All the times I yanked your ears.
Roger: Apology accepted! Put it there pal. I feel better... Oh boy! I hope it's another cartoon!
[The newsreel starts.]
Roger: Jeepers. Another stupid newsreel. I hate the news.
[Dolores sits down beside Valiant.]
Valiant: You got all my stuff?
Dolores: Yes. They're packed up in the car outside. Would've been here after you called but I had to shake the weasels.
Background: ...in Atlantic city the Shriner's march. Wearing their fezzes and bright uniforms, they parade before a hundred thousand spectators as a highlight of the Shrine Convention.
Valiant: Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar.
Background: ...That's the gay side. There's a serious side when Imperial Potentate George H. Row of Buffalo urged all Shriners to help halt the spread of communism.
Dolores: Hell. Stuffing olives for a living wasn't for me anyway.
Valiant: Dolores. You oughta find yourself a good man.
Dolores: But I already have a good man.
Background: ...Many cities are represented in the march, and many temples, as the Imperial Council meets once again. -It takes a steady eye and a stout heart to heave knives at the apple of your eye but this female William Tell has no qualms...
[They are about to kiss when...]
[...they turned their heads to Roger.]
Roger: Plplplllease. Don't mind me.
Background: ...and plenty of faith...
Dolores: You better get going Eddie.
Background: ...a near miss, but this miss says that's as good as a smile.
Valiant: I'm glad Teddy's not here to see me running away with my tail between my legs.
Background: Dateline: Hollywood, California. Cloverleaf Oil was on the move this week, acquiring two Hollywood institutions...
Roger: It's not so bad. Once you get used to it.
Newsreader: '...the Pacific Redcar Trolley Line and the venerated Maroon Cartoon Studios. Here R. K. Maroon is seen clinching a deal with Cloverleaf's bankers and executives in one of the biggest real estate deals in Californian history.'
Valiant: That's it! That's the connection!
[Valiant and Roger drive into the Maroon Cartoon Studios.]
Roger: Let's forget it. There's nobody here.
Valiant: Is that it or are you scared?
Roger: [Getting out of the car.] Plplpllllease! Me scared? Don't be ridiculous. <Chatter Chatter> When you called Maroon you told him you had the will but you don't. When he finds out he's going to be mad. He might try to kill ya. [Puts his back against the wall.]
Valiant: I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You cover my back. If you hear or see anything beep the horn twice.
Roger: Yeah. That's it. Beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready. Dukes set, eyes peeled, ears to the ground. [A frying pan is held above his head from behind him.] Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit! <Bang!> Brrrrrhhhh!
Roger is dragged off behind the wall. Meanwhile Maroon is waiting in his office looking very nervous. Valiant creeps up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.
Valiant: What's up Darth?
Maroon: Valiant. What are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack?
Valiant: You need a heart before you can have an attack.
Maroon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the will?
Valiant: Sure. [Briefly shows a bit of paper] I got the will. Question is do you have the way? Cause I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.
Maroon: You've got a lot of brass coming up here by yourself.
Valiant: Who said I was here by myself?
[Roger is thrown unconscious into the boot of a car by Jessica. She puts the frying pan in her handbag....]
Maroon: Okay, hardcase. How much?
Valiant: Give a girl a chance to think. Let's see. Your take is three and a half million dollars..
Maroon: Let me see that will.
Valiant: I told ya I got it.
Maroon: I wanna see it now!... [Grabs it from inside Valiants jacket.] 'How do I love thee, Let me count the ways?' This supposed to be a joke? [Stuffs it in Valiants belt.]
Valiant: No! This is. [Sprays soda in his eyes and punches him] Get up.
Maroon: What are ya gonna do to me Valiant?
Valiant: I'm going to listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario. The story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm going to edit out.
Maroon: You've got it all wrong. I'm a cartoon maker not a murderer.
Valiant: Everybody's got to have a hobby.
He puts Maroons tie in the editing machine and turns it on pulling Maroon's face closer.
Maroon: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! The truth is I had a chance to sell my studio, but Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold them his. The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell, so I was going to blackmail Acme with pictures of him and the rabbits wife. Blackmail, that's all. I've been around toons all my life. I didn't want to see them destroyed.
Valiant: Toons destroyed? Why?
Maroon: If I tell ya I'm a dead man.
Valiant: You're a dead man if you don't tell me.
Maroon: Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight Toontown's going to be land for the...
At that moment Valiant sees the reflection of a gun in one of the pictures in the wall. It fires and Maroon cries out.
Valiant dives for cover behind the sofa and the bullets slam into it. When the gunfire stops Valiant looks at Maroon to see him dead with three bullet holes in his back. He looks out of window and sees Jessica running off. As he leaves the building she drives a car past him.
He takes chase in his car and his headlights light up a sign for Toon Town. Valiant continues to follow but as the car disappears into the tunnel leading to Toon Town Valiant stops unwilling to follow.
As he stares at the tunnel he is filled with a new resolve. He throws his gun onto the seat next to him and unpacks a case. Inside is a Toon gun. Valiant takes it out and admires it. Next he lifts up a flap to reveal six Toon bullets.
Bullet #3: What in Sam Hill?
Bullet #1: Eddie Valiant!
Bullet #2: Well you're a sight for sore eyes.
Bullet #3: I ain't seen you for nigh onto five years!
Bullets: Where've you been?
Valiant: Drunk. Feeling frisky tonight fellas?
Valiant: Let's go.
The bullets load themselves. Valiant is about to take a drink when he pours the drink away. He throws the bottle and shoots a toon bullet at it. He then drives down the tunnel into Toontown.
At the end of the tunnel are a pair of red curtains which lift to reveal Toon town. Here it is day time and Valiant squints against the sudden bright light. Around him is countryside and thousands of toons.
Toons: 'Smile, Darn ya smile,
You know that your world is a great world after all Smile, Darn ya smile And right away Watch Lady Luck pay you a call Things are never black As they are painted Time for you and joy To get antiquated Make life worthwhile So, Smile, darn you smile!'
[As Valiant drives along three birds fly around him in the car.]
Birds: Hi Eddie! Bye Eddie!
[The birds fly out and a lone bird flies in.]
Bird: Hi Eddie! Bye Eddie! <Crash!>
[As Valiant turns to look at the bird he crashes into the car he was following. He gets out and is surrounded by complete chaos. He looks inside the other car, banging his head. A flock of toon birds hatch out above his head and Valiant shoos them away.]
Valiant: Get outta here.
[He then sees Jessica in a tall building. He waits for the lift to arrive and when it does it hits the ground with such force that it rattles the whole building. Droopy is the lift man.]
Droopy: Going up, sir...
[Valiant steps into the lift and falls down two feet to the floor of the lift.]
Valiant: Yaaaaaghh! <Bang>
[Valiant looks up at Droopy who is standing on a box.]
Droopy: Mind the step, sir... Hold on, sir...
[The lift shoots up with such velocity that it squashes Valiant to the floor. The Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote are seen behind the elevator doors.]
Valiant: Yaaaaggh! Hmmhmmm!
[The lift stops suddenly so that Valiant hits the padded roof of the lift.]
Droopy: Your floor, sir...
[Valiant falls out of the lift. Droopy sticks his head out of the lift before the doors close.]
Droopy: Have a good day, sir...
Valiant: Ah. Gotcha!
[Valiant opens the door to Jessica's room to see her inside with some underwear. As she turns around the hair drops from her face to reveal a hag.]
Hag: A man!
[The hag runs towards Valiant lips puckered for a kiss. Valiant slams the door on the hag and her lips impale the door.]
Hag: Yoo hoo! Lover boy! It's Lena Hyena!
[Valiant tries to hide in the toilet. He feels the wind and looking down sees no floor.]
Valiant: Arrrrggghh! Oh no! Aaarrrgghh!
[Valiant falls and grabs hold of a pole on which Tweety is nesting.]
Tweety: Oh look! Piggies!
Valiant: Hi Tweety.
Tweety: [removing Valiant's grasp one finger at a time] This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed at home...
Tweety: This little piggy had roast beef. And this little pig had ...
Tweety: Uh oh! Ran outta piggies!
As Valiant falls Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse appear next to him with parachutes strapped to their backs.
Bugs: Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
Mickey: Yeah. Ha! You could get killed. Ha ha. Huh?
Valiant: You guys got a spare?
Mickey: Uh, Bugs does.
Bugs: Yeah. But I don't think you want it.
Valiant: I do! I do! Give it to me!
Mickey: Gee. Ha ha. Better let him have it, Bugs.
Bugs: O.K. Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare...
Valiant: Thank you. [Valiant tugs the release cord to reveal a tire with the word spare written on it.] Aw no! Aaaaarrrgghh!
Mickey: Aw. Poor fella.
Bugs: Yeah. Ain't I a stinker?
[Valiant is about to hit the floor when the Hag catches him.]
Hag: My man!
[The kiss sends Valiant skidding across the road.]
Hag: Come to Lena!
[Valiant looks up to see the hag stampeding towards him. Looking down at the road he picks up the line painted there and lays it against the nearby wall. The hag follows the line around and crashes into the wall and knocks herself senseless.]
Valiant: Toons. Gets 'em every time.
[Valiant hears footsteps in a nearby alleyway and walks down it. It is very dark and gloomy.]
Valiant: Thank you.
[Valiant looks back to see Jessica pointing a gun at him.]
Valiant: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.
[The shadow of a gun pointing itself at Valiant from the other direction casts itself on the wall beside Valiant.]
Jessica: Behind you!
[Jessica shoots and the gun falls from the shadows hand.]
Valiant: [Drawing his own gun.] Drop it, lady.
Jessica: I just saved your life and you still don't trust me?
Valiant: I don't trust anybody or anything.
Jessica: Not even your own eyes? [Indicating a golden gun on the floor.] That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon and Doom pulled the trigger.
Jessica: I followed him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him.
Doom: [Running down the alleyway.] That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead. You're all dead!
[Valiant shoots three times with his gun but before the bullets reach him he disappears down a side alley. The bullets grind to a halt.]
Bullet #1: Which way'd he go?
Bullet #2: Well, I don't know.
Bullet #3: [Pointing the wrong way.] He went that way.
Bullets: Let's go!
Valiant: Dum dums. [Throws gun away.]
Jessica: Come on!
Jessica: [Seeing her car boot open and empty.] Oh no! Where's Roger?
Valiant: Roger? He chickened out on me back at the studio.
Jessica: No he didn't. I hit him on the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk... So he wouldn't get hurt.
Valiant: Makes perfect sense.
Jessica: We're obviously not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.
Valiant: [Pointing back down the road where swerving tire marks lead off into the distance past burst water hydrants and knocked over lamps.] I've got a feeling someone already did.
Jessica: From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel.
Valiant: A better lover than a driver huh?
Jessica: You'd better believe it buster. [They here a siren.] Uh oh! It's the weasels. This way, we'll take Gingerbread Lane.
Valiant: No wait! No, no. Gingerbread Lane's this way. [Sticks out thumb.]
Benny: [Appearing from nowhere.] So Valiant. You call a cab or what? [Looking at Jessica.] Hubba hubba hubba. [Opening door for Jessica] Allow me, madam moiselle.
[They speed along the tunnel leaving Toontown.]
Valiant: So how long have you known it was Doom?
Jessica: Before poor Marvin Acme was killed he confided in me that Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown and he wouldn't stop at anything.
Valiant: So he gave you the will for safe keeping?
Jessica: That's what he told me, except when I opened the envelope there was only a blank piece of paper inside.
Valiant: Huh! A joker till the end.
Benny: So where to already? My meter's running.
Jessica: I have to find my darling husband. I'm so worried about him.
Valiant: Seriously? What do you see in that guy?
Jessica: He makes me laugh.
[As they leave the tunnel Doom tips a barrel of Dip onto the road. Benny spins round on it and crashes into a lamppost.]
Benny: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! I've been dipped! <Crash!>
[Valiant and Jessica are sent flying and Benny appears to be dead.]
Doom: Tsk tsk tsk. What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road and especially when driving in a maniacal Toon vehicle.
[The weasels drive out of the tunnel and pull up next to Doom.]
Smart Ass: Good work fellas
Doom: Don't just stand there. Help them. Put them in my car. I think they'll enjoy attending the ribbon cutting at the Acme factory.
Smart Ass: Come on, you mugs.
[The Acme factory. Valiant is being frisked by the weasels.]
Smart Ass: We searched Valiant Boss. The will ain't on him.
Doom: Then frisk the woman!
Greasy: I'll handle this one...
[Greasy rolls up his sleeve and puts his hand between Jessica's breasts. There is a snapping sound and Greasy rapidly withdraws his hand with a man trap on it.]
Greasy: Yaaaggghhh! Yaaaahshamatalla! Yaaggh!
[The weasels start laughing.]
Valiant: [to Jessica] Nice Booby Trap.
[Doom wacks Greasy into a pile of boxes spilling false eyes all over the floor.]
Doom: Do they have the will or not?
Smart Ass: Nah. Just this stupid love letter.
Doom: No matter. I doubt if that will is going to show up in the next 15 minutes anyway.
Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes?
Doom: Toontown will be legally mine. Lock, stock, and barrel.
[Roger drives out of Toontown in Valiant's car which is in bad shape. He spins it round to a stop in front of Benny.]
Roger: Benny! Is that you?
Benny: No! It's Shirley Temple! [Getting up on his rear wheels and limping across the road.] Ahh! Ooh! Eee!
Roger: Jumping Jeepers. What happened?
Benny: Doom grabbed your wife and Valiant and took them to the Acme factory.
Roger: The Acme factory? I know where that is. Get in.
Benny: Move over Rog. You've done enough driving for one night.
[The Acme Factory and Stupid and Wheezy have just broken through one of the walls. Rays of light shine through and Faint music can be heard.]
Stupid: Duh, Toontown's right on the other side of the wall Boss.
Doom: You see Mr. Valiant? The successful conclusion of this case draws a curtain for my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring. To take a new role in the private sector.
Valiant: That wouldn't be Clover Leaf Industries by any chance?
Smart Ass: [Waving a gun at Valiant.] Eh, eh!
Doom: You're looking at the sole stock holder.
[Roger and Benny pull up outside the Acme Factory.]
Roger: Benny. You go for the cops. I'm going to save my wife.
Benny: Be careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon, you know. [Driving off.] This is no way to make a living.
[Roger tries to open one of the windows but it is jammed. He leans against it.]
Roger: Wouldn't you know? Locked.
[The window suddenly swings open and Roger falls through.]
[Inside Roger falls into the toilet and it flushes sucking Roger down.]
Inside the factory Doom walks up to a large object covered by tarpauling. He drops a silver tray onto the floor pulls it aside and opens a valve releasing a green liquid onto the tray which starts to corrode.
Doom: Can you guess what this is?
Jessica: Oh my God It's DIP!
Doom: That's right my dear. Enough to dip Toontown of the face of the Earth! [The cover is removed to reveal a large machine.] A vehicle of my own design. 5000 Gallons of heated Dip, pumped at enourmous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toontown will be erased in a matter of minutes.
Jessica: I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toontown's disappeared?
Doom: Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking mice when you're driving past at 75 m.p.h.?
Jessica: What are you talking about? There's no road past Toontown.
Doom: Not yet! [Starts slipping on the eyes] Several months ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city councils. A construction plan of epic proportions. They're calling it, a Freeway.
Valiant: A Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?
Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
Valiant: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this Freeway? You're kidding.
Doom: Of course not. You lack vision. I see a place where people get on and off the Freeway. On and off. Off and on. All day, all night. Soon where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations. Inexpensive motels. Restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons. Automobile dealerships. And wonderful, wonderful bill boards reaching as far as the eye can see... My god, It'll be beautiful.
Valiant: Come on. Nobody's gonna drive this louzy Freeway when they can take the red car for a nickel.
Doom: Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.
[There is a rumbling sound and Greasy looks down at the manhole beneath him.]
Greasy: What the... Aaaaaagggghhh!
[The manhole shoots into the air as a geyser of water bursts out of it sending Greasy into the air. He clutches onto a net full of bricks hung from the ceiling. From the hole comes Roger.]
Greasy: Ay caramba!
Roger: Aaaaaaaaghhhhh! O.K. Nobody move. Alright weasels, grab some sky or I let the Judge have it. You heard me I said drop it.
Jessica: Roger! Darling!
Roger: Yes, it's me my dearest. I'd love to embrase you but first I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.
Doom: Put that gun down, you buck tooth-ed fool.
Roger: That's it Doom. Give me another excuse to pump ya full of lead. Thought you could get away with it didn't you?
[Above Roger, Greasy gets out his knife.]
Roger: Ha! We Toons may act idiotic but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks!
[The bricks fall on Roger and Greasy smirks from the net.]
Jessica: Roger! Roger, say something.
Roger: Look! Stars! Ready when you are Raoul. Hoo hoo hoo.
Doom: Tie the love birds together. Put them up on that hook. Use that escape proof Toon rope.
Psycho: Time to kill the rabbit! Heh heh! Eh Heh heh!
Jessica: Oh Roger. You were magnificent.
Roger: Was I really?
Jessica: Better than Goofy.
[Greasy starts up the Dip vehicle.]
Jessica: Roger darling. I want you to know I love you. I've loved you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.
Doom: It's over Mr. Valiant
[He walks away whistling and slips on the eyes. The weasels start to laugh at this and Valiant tries to sneak up on Smart Ass.]
Doom: [Clasping his right eye with his hand.] Look out! You fools!
Smart Ass: Not so fast.
Doom: One of these days you idiots are going to laugh yourselves to death.
Smart Ass: Shall I "repose" of him right now Boss?
Doom: Let him watch his Toon friends get dipped then shoot him.
Smart Ass: With pleasure.
Valiant: Everything's funny to you, ain't it needle nose?
Smart Ass: You got a problem with that Valiant?
Valiant: Nah. I just uh, want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip! [Starts music machine]
Smart Ass: Whhhaaaaaa?
Valiant: ♪ Now Roger is his name ♪ And laughter is his game ♪ Come on you dope Untie his rope ♪ And watch him go insane. ♪
[Valiant screws around with rakes deliberately trying to step on them and have them slam into his head. The weasels start laughing.]
Jessica: He's lost his mind.
Roger: I don't think so...
Valiant: [Picks up weights and starts dancing with them] 'This singing ain't my line
It's tough to make a rhyme If I get stuck I'm outta luck uhh, uhh...
Jessica: I'm running out of time!
Valiant juggles with the weights and then lets them fall on his head. As he staggers backwards he slips on a banana skin and falls into some boxes.
He emerges bouncing around on a pogo stick and bounces so high that his head hits the light and he gets electrocuted.
Stupid laughs so much that he kneels over and his ghost leaves his body. Wheezy sees his own ghost leaving and tries to pull it back but fails.
Roger: Hey Eddie! Keep it up! You're killing them! You're slaying them! You're knocking them dead!
[A lever is knocked and a vase starts to be carried by a conveyor belt to above Valiants head.]
Valiant: ♪'I'm through with taking falls ♪ I'm bouncing off the walls ♪ Without that gun I'd have some fun I'd kick you in the…♪ <Crash>
[The vase falls on Valiant's head.]
Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with walls.
Valiant: No! But this does.
[Valiant kicks Smart Ass in his crotch and he flies through the air to land in the vat of dip.]
Smart Ass: Aaaagggggghhhhh!
[Only Psycho and Greasy are left and they find Smart Ass's death very amusing. So amusing that Greasy dies.]
Psycho: Hee hee!
Roger: Yikes! Oh my goodness. Jeepers! That was close.
[Psycho laughs so much that he falls of the canon onto the dip coated brush at the front.]
[As Psycho's ghost floats past the canon he pulls a lever that turns it around.]
Psycho: Bye bye! Hee hee hee!
Roger: Eddie hurry! It's coming back. Aaaaahhh! Oh no! This is it... [Valiant turns the canon back the other way] This isn't it!
Doom Slides across a line to strike Valiant and send him flying. Doom draws a sword and Valiant opens a box next to him labelled Singing swords. As he waves it at Doom it begins to sing.
Singing Sword: 'Wicked Witchcraft,
And although I know It's strictly taboo when...
Valiant throws the sword away and opens another box. Inside is a toon Magnet and Valiant holds this at Doom. Doom uses the magnetism to pull himself closer to Valiant and so Valiant points it away to break the contact. The magnetism then pulls a barrel from behind Valiant and he ends up pinned between the two.
Doom: [Sheathing sword] Don't move.
Doom reappears driving a sreamroller and he Tries to run over Valiant with it. Valiant can't escape by struggling but as the steamroller nears he sees boxes of portable holes next to him.
He eventually manages to kick one close enough for him to open and putting it over the magnet makes a hole and escapes.
Valiant appears in front of Doom and kicks him in the face sending him flying. He fights Doom but doesn't seem to be able to harm him. Valiant blocks one of Doom's punches with a pot of glue and Doom's fist goes straight through it.
He shakes it off and tries to punch Valiant again but instead gets his fist stuck to the roller. Meanwhile the Dip machine is getting closer to Roger and Jessica.
Jessica: Oh no!
Doom steps back to try and free himself but treads in a pool of the stuff on the floor.
Roger: Come on Eddie. Quit playing around.
Valiant stops the Dip machine again.
Roger: Hoo hoo! I wasn't worried. Were you?
Doom gets squashed by steamroller.
Doom: Ohhhohohuhh Uuuhhh!!! Nuuhhohoho!!!! Wuhhhadada Woahwoahwoahwoah!!!! Huyahuyah Huuhhuuh!! Woyat woyaatwoahwoahwuuh!!!!! Gudiguhgahgahgah Gidigablua!!
Roger: Eddie, look!
As the steamroller rolls on it reveals Dooms flattened body starting to move.
Valiant: Holy smoke! He's a toon!
Valiant: Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked up by a toon.
Doom: Not just any toon...
Doom staggers toward a gas cylinder and reinflates himself. As he does so his eyes pop out and land on the floor. When he turns round his eyes are red and he starts to speak in an increasingly high pitched voice.
Doom: Remember me Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... this!
Doom's eyes turn into red tipped switchblades and Valiant tries to run away but Doom leaps after him with the aid of springs in his heels.
Roger: Jumping jeepers!
After knocking Valiant down Doom starts up the Dip machine again.
Jessica: Oh my goodness! Oh no!
Doom takes of his glove to reveal an anvil for a hand. He strikes Valiant with this and sends him flying across the factory floor. He turns around and when he turns back his hand has become a buzz saw on the end of an extendable arm. Doom shows off his power by slicing through some chains and then jabs it at Valiant's head, narrowly missing twice.
Valiant as a last attempt grabs the boxing glove mallet and aims it at Doom but he easily avoids it. The glove however strikes a lever on the Dip machine and Doom stares in terror at the resulting jet of Dip that sends him flying. The dip is also getting extremely close to Roger and Jessica.
Jessica: Goodbye my darling. Good bye. Ahh! Oh!
[The level of Dip in the machine runs out and so the jet of dip from the cannon dies out.]
Jessica: Oh! I think, I'm going to faint.
[Doom is standing in a pool of dip and is slowly dissolving.]
Doom: Waah! Woahwoahwoahwoah Uh duh duh duh wuhh waaaaaaaaoooooohh! Oh no!!! Waaawaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! I'm mel-el-el-elting!! Woooaahh wadaworl!!! Wahh Waaaaaaaaaaahhh!! I'm melting!! Melting!!! Wahwahwaaah! Oooohhh nooo!
[Doom is dead but the Dip machine is still rolling steadily towards Roger and Jessica.]
Roger: Hurry up Eddie! Do something!
[Valiant presses a button and the hook is moved out of the way of the encroaching Dip machine. It goes through the factory wall and is hit by Thomas the Train in toon town.]
Roger: Eddie! There's dip everywhere! How are we gonna get down?
[Valiant clears the dip with the water hydrants.]
Roger: [As Valiant is untying them] Jeepers Eddie! That was a close shave. I thought for sure our goose was cooked!
Jessica: Oh! My hero. [Walks past Valiant] Oh honey bunny.
Roger: Oh, love cup.
Jessica: <X X X X> Oh Roger. You were a pillar of strength.
[Benny and the police arrive.]
Benny: Sister Mary Francis! What the hell happened in here?
[Toons start to peer around the hole in the wall.]
Benny: I've been a cab for 37 years and I've never seen a mess like this.
Delores: What was that? A rubber mask?
Valiant: Yeah. And this is the rope from the safe that was dropped on Acme. I think your lab boys will find that paint's a perfect match.
Santino: Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme...
Valiant: And R. K. Maroon, and my brother.
[Dolores takes Valiant's hand.]
Santino: That's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.
[Toons start emerging from toon town through the hole in the wall.]
Mickey: Gosh, uh! I wonder who he really was. Aha!
Bugs: I'll tell you that one thing Doc. He weren't no rabbit!
Daffy: Or a duck!
Goofy: Or a dog.
Pinocchio: Or a little wooden boy.
Wolf: [coming out of sheep's clothing] Or a sheep.
Woody Woodpecker: Or a woodpecker.
Sylvester the Cat: [to Woody Woodpecker] Or a pussy.
Woody: Uh huh huh heh ha! Uh huh huh heh ha! Uh huh huh heh ha! Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!
Dolores: What's that? What is that?
Valiant: It's ink. That goof Acme squirted me with some the other night. But why it's coming out now I don't know.
Roger: [Holding apple sauce.] Here's your answer Eddie! Acme's dissappearing... reappearing ink! Boy, that Acme. What a genius!
Baby Herman: Apple sauce. If he was such a genius why didn't he leave his will where we could find it? Without it, we're just waiting for another developer's wrecking ball.
Angelo: So who's Gabby?
Dolores: Or Little Boy Blue?
Valiant: Roger that love letter that you wrote to your wife in the Ink and Paint Club. Why don't you read it to her now?
Roger: Sure Eddie. 'Dear Jessica. How do I love thee. Let me count the ways... [Words start appearing on the letter.] I, Marvin Acme? Of sound mind and body?... It's the will!
Valiant: Keep reading.
Roger: ...do hereby bequeath in perpetuity the property known as Toontown to those loveable characters, the toons! Hoo hoo hoo!
Roger: Hey, Eddie. That was a pretty funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over?
Valiant: Only time will tell.
Roger: Yeah, well, put it there, pal. <Zzzzt>
[Valiant does not seem to pleased by the joke and all the toons are silent.]
Roger: <Gulp> Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already.
[Valiant grabs Roger by the neck.]
Valiant: Does this answer your question?
[Valiant gives him a big kiss.]
Roger: Yech! Hoo hoo hoo!
Jessica: Come on Roger. Let's go home. I'll bake you a carrot cake.
Roger: Ahoo hoo...!
[Roger, Jessica, Valiant and Dolores start walking toward Toontown through the hole in the wall.]
Toons: ♪Smile, Darn ya smile, You know this old world Is a great world after all. Smile, Darn ya smile And right away Watch Lady Luck Pay you a call Things are never black As they are painted Time for you and joy To get aquainted Make life worthwhile So, Smile, Darn you smile!♪
Pete: Let me out of there!
Policemen: Let us out of there!
Porky: O.K. Mova-mova-Move-along. Th-th-There's nothing else to see. That's all folks. Hmmmm... I like th-the sound of that. Th-th-th-that's all folks!
[Tinker Bell from Peter Pan has a magic and this is goodbye]