[The opening scene in the Wolowitz kitchen when Howard opens the door and sees Bernadette eating a bowl of strawberries for breakfast]
Howard: "We"? What is this?
Bernadette: I don't know. Maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: "Continued on milk." If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast, it didn't work for my mom, and it won't work for you. "Are." "We are..." "See spoons for more."
Bernadette: What could it be? "We are Groot"? "We are the champions"? "We are family"? "I got all my sisters with me."
[Howard is holding a spoon with a note on it that says "Pregnant". He looks around at Bernadette - his expression is one of pure joy].
Howard:: Are you serious?
Howard: Are you sure?
[Bernadette gets up from the table]
Bernadette: Pretty positive. That's a joke, because the pregnancy test says...
Howard: Oh my God! (Howard kisses Bernadette and embraces her). This is incredible. We're gonna be parents? We're gonna get to board planes first. Finally gonna get to see what's in that family bathroom at the mall.
Bernadette: I know, it's crazy.
Howard: It is crazy. Oh. I mean, how do you... prepare for something like this? I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
Bernadette: Oh, it's okay, you'll figure it out.
Howard: But how's this all gonna work? Do we get a nanny? I mean, can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can't get a pretty one, 'cause it'll wreck our marriage. We can't get an ugly one, 'cause it'll scare the kid.
Bernadette: (she's so confused) I-I don't know, Howie.
Howard: Are we in a good school district? You're Catholic, I'm Jewish. What religion do we raise it? And if it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? People say it's barbaric, but if we don't, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
Bernadette: Calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Howard: How's it gonna be okay? Look at me, I'm a mess. And that means this baby's gonna half a mess. And that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.
[Bernadette is now very cross by this. The opening theme to "The Big Bang Theory" begins]
Howard: I need to tell you guys something.
Raj: If it's "thank you for the homemade jam you got in December", congratulations, you're the first one (glares at Sheldon and Leonard)
Howard (to the guys): I'm, uh.....I'm uh, gonna to be a father.
Sheldon: Oh no!
Leonard: Why "oh no"?
Sheldon: Well because this changes everything! What about comic book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard: Relax, there's room for two babies in this group
Sheldon: Oh, well would a baby have to shave his face every other day?
Leonard: Would a grownup refuse to eat his graham cracker because one of them was broken?
Bernadette: So, I'm glad you guys are here. There's something I want to share with you. Howie and I are going to...
Penny: (she has a shock) Leonard says you're pregnant.
Amy: (she gasps with loud excitement) What?
Penny: "Don't say anything. Act surprised when she tells you." All right, how you want to do this?
Bernadette: I'm pregnant.
Penny: Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
Amy: This is so exciting!
Bernadette: Yeah, it's all real exciting.
Penny: Are-are you not happy about this?
Bernadette: (she is now very cross whilst she nervously speaks) I am. Of-of course I am. I'm...I'm sure it's just the hormones. But it's weird-- Howie's the one who's been talking about having kids for years, and I was all excited to tell him because I thought he'd be thrilled, but then he started to flip out and now this feels like a bad idea and I'm gonna get fat. (she is now in tears)
Penny: You're gonna be beautiful and glowing and-and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette: (she's so enormously cross, upset and still tearful) Easy for you to say, skinny bitch. (she shakes her head) Sorry, hormones.
Penny: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was "skinny."
Amy: I wouldn't make too much out of Howard not reacting the way you expected him to.
Penny: Yeah, I'm sure it was just the initial shock of it all.
Bernadette: You're probably right. After we talked about it, he started to calm down.
(Now comes the scene at the apartment where Howard is shouting at the men with enormous anger)
Howard: I shouldn’t be raising a kid. I don’t even eat my own vegetables.
Leonard: Buddy, I, I think you might be overreacting.
Howard: And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me?
Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.
Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.
Sheldon: Oh, but then we’d have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.
Howard: Oh, my God, and do you have any idea how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? God, it’s like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts. That’s it, I got to start earning more money right now.
Raj: I know, you could ask Bernadette for a raise in your allowance.
Howard: This isn’t a joke.
Raj: I wasn’t joking.
Leonard: It’ll be fine. People have kids every day. You’ll figure this out.
Raj: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
Howard: You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.
Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?
Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn’t happen to us?
Leonard: Go out and celebrate. But not your worst idea.
Amy: Hey, let's go do something to get your mind off this.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
Bernadette:(she's asking Penny crossly) Where?
Penny: Uh, I don't know, a bar?
Bernadette: (she is very upsettingly cross about her restrictions) Can't drink.
Penny: We can, but all right.
Amy: Are you hungry? How about that sushi place you love?
Bernadette: (she is still very upsettingly cross) Doctor said I can't have sushi.
Penny: Okay, look, we don't have to go anywhere. We can just, you know, stay here and hang out in the hot tub.
Bernadette: (again, she is very upsettingly cross whilst speaking poutily) Doctor said I can't go in the hot tub.
Amy: Maybe you should get a new doctor.
(Bernadette glares at Amy if she is about get more crosser)
Amy: What, he said you can't laugh either?
(Bernadette now flutters her eyelashes in irritated fury and says nothing)
Amy: Think about all the fun things you get to do when you have a baby.
Penny: Yeah! Yeah, you get to buy toys and little clothes.
Bernadette: I kind of already do that for Howie.
Penny: And-and whenever you're hungry, you'll be in a minivan with Cheerios all over the floor.
Amy: Oh, and I just found a new travel cup for Sheldon. It only lets out three at a time. So, when did you guys decide to get pregnant?
Bernadette: Well, we didn't exactly decide. We were talking about it, and then one night we got a little reckless.
Penny: Oh, tell us! Yeah, tell us.
Bernadette: No, I'm embarrassed
Penny: Oh, come on, we're all grown-ups. We've all done it.
Amy: Me! Me-me, too! I'm a grown-up and I've done it!
(Amy spins her hand round to Penny's face. Penny gives Amy five and she now turns cross)
Bernadette: Fine. We were out one night, and things got a little spontaneous.
Amy: Oh, that sounds juicy.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon was going on and on about time zones and railroad schedules, and I went out...
Penny: Wait, I remember that. Hang on. You did it at our place?
Bernadette: Kind of on Sheldon's bed.
Penny and Amy: (they are both shocked) What?! No!
Bernadette: I was headed to the bathroom, and I passed Howie on his way out. Usually he says, "Do not go in there," but this time he said, "Hey, let's go in here."
Amy: (she's asking Bernadette crossly) How could you do that?
Bernadette: I'm sorry, but you know what it's like when you're with your man and one thing leads to another.
Amy: I do know what that's like. I really do.
(Penny shakes her head and says nothing)
(The nighttime scene of the girls dipping their feet in the hot tub)
Bernadette: You guys can go in if you want.
Penny: No, we're a team. If you can't go in, we're not going in.
Amy: Then why are we drinking?
Penny: (she's rather angry) Okay, it's not like she's got the Christ child in there, all right? (a sound of a text message arrives on her phone) Oh. It's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're gonna do karaoke if we want to join them.
Bernadette: That sounds fun.
Amy: Oh, no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
Penny: What's it say?
Amy: "Would you like to sing karaoke with us?".
Bernadette: How is that a drunk text?
Amy: He used a period instead of a question mark. He's so wasted.
Raj:: ♪ Your movie's showing, so you're going ♪ ♪ Could care less about the five you're blowing ♪ ♪ Theater gets dark just to start the show ♪ ♪ You spot a fine woman sitting ♪ ♪ In your row, she's dressed in yellow ♪ ♪ She says, "Hello" ♪ ♪ "Come sit next to me, you fine fellow" ♪ ♪ You run over there without a second to lose ♪ ♪ And what comes next, hey ♪ ♪ Bust a move ♪ ♪
Leonard: (he sings in high pitch) You want it ♪ ♪ You got it, oh, you want it ♪ ♪ Baby, you got it ♪ ♪
Raj(he sings in a deep voice) Just bust a move ♪ ♪
Leonard: (he sings in high pitch again) You want it ♪ ♪ You got it, oh ♪ ♪ You want it, baby, you got it ♪ ♪
Raj(he sings in a deep voice again) Just bust a move ♪ ♪
(Leonard continues doing his high pitch singing just as the girl posse trio of Penny, Bernadette and Amy enter the bar)
Penny: Hey, guys. Congratulations!
Howard: Thank you.
Amy: Hi. How are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh, wonderful. I'm being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.
Howard: I'm really glad you're here. Can we talk?
Penny: So, you gonna get up there later?
Sheldon: A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.
Howard: I'm sorry I freaked out this morning. I want you to know... I'm done being scared.
Bernadette: It's okay to be nervous. I am, too.
Howard: Thank God, 'cause I was lying-- you might not have to wait nine months to see someone soil their pants. But I'm also really excited. I mean it.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Howard: I love you. Mmm. And I'm not just saying that because your breasts are gonna get bigger.
(the tiki bar scene when Penny and Amy are singing words from Justin Beiber's "Baby" to Bernadette)
Penny: ♪ Are we an item? Girl, quit playin' ♪ ♪
Amy: We're just friends ♪ ♪ What are you sayin'? ♪ ♪
Penny: Say there's another and look right in my eyes ♪ ♪
Amy: My first love broke my heart for the first time ♪ ♪
Both: And I was like ♪ ♪ Baby, baby, baby, ooh ♪ ♪ Like, baby, baby, baby, no ♪ ♪ Like, baby, baby, baby, ooh ♪ ♪ I thought you'd always be mine
(the tiki bar scene when Howard is singing words from "Baby, I need your lovin'" to Bernadette)
Howard: Baby, I need your lovin', got ♪ ♪ To have all your lovin' ♪ ♪ Baby, I need your lovin' ♪ ♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪
(the tiki bar scene when Raj and Leonard are singing words from "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa to Bernadette)
Bernadette:(she yelps with embarrassment) I appreciate this, but you really...
Leonard: Push it real good ♪
(the scene at the tikka bar where Sheldon is singing "My Country, 'Tis of Thee" loudly to Bernadette; Sheldon has one hand on his chest, the other holding her shoulder)
Sheldon: Land where my fathers died ♪ ♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪ ♪ From ev'ry mountainside ♪ ♪ Let freedom ring...
Howard: I'd like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and... now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie. ♪ ♪ ♪ Havin' my baby ♪ ♪ What a lovely way of sayin' ♪ ♪ How much you love me ♪ ♪ Havin' my baby ♪ ♪ What a lovely way ♪ ♪ Of sayin' what you're thinkin' of me ♪
Sheldon: You're kidding! (he shouts loudly at Howard) What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else's bedroom?!
(Howard now stands up and turns worried for a second)
Howard: (he shouts through the microphone) Thank you, Pasadena! Good night!
(Howard drops the microphone down to the floor and he leaves the tiki bar after the microphone has just hit the floor with a bang. Bernadette is so shocked by this just as the scene fades to black).
Penny: That was such a fun night.
Leonard: Probably 'cause you got to see your man up there rockin' the mic.
Penny: Yeah, I was a little surprised when you decided to beat-box.
Leonard: Oh. That was really an asthma attack. I just sold it.
Penny: Well, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Leonard: Me, too. So, you ever think about it?
Penny: Babies? Well, I'm not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
Leonard: I think we'd make amazing parents.
Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down? (seen asleep on his spot with lipstick and marker drawn on his face)
Penny: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.