Sheldon: Here's a fun Postal fact. Yeah, the inner side of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So, if you broke my right thumb, that's Pasadena city police. But if you broke my left thumb, that's the FBI.
Leonard: If I'm going to jail, I'm killing him, not breaking his thumb.
Sheldon: Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.
Penny: What is that?
Sheldon: Uh, roses, Ben-Gay, and Dr. Scholls' foot powder.
Penny: Yeah, "Grandma", by Calvin Klein. Yeah, the last time I got a hand written letter, it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.
Leonard: That someone has a name.
Sheldon: Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth. Fun.
Leonard: Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.
Penny: I park fine.
Sheldon: Oh, my goodness, she's coming to visit!
Leonard: Oh, it'll be nice to finally meet her.
Sheldon: Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you'll ever meet. Yeah, unless you're a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.
Bernadette:(she's very cross with Raj) Okay, so you met this girl, you exchanged numbers, and you're gonna meet up with her.
Raj: Just to help her with her screenplay.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, I guess that's not so bad.
Howard: You weren't there. He was really flirting.
Raj: Hey, it's not my fault if American women project their fantasies on foreigners with the kind of magical voice that grants wishes.
Bernadette: I'm sure it was harmless. People flirt. No big deal.
Howard: Really? So it's okay if I fl...
Bernadette: (crossly) Not you. I own your ass. (To Raj) The real question is, where are you with Emily?
Raj: Uh, it's hard to say. I think we're good, but things like this make me wonder if Emily's really the right person for me. I mean, did you guys ever have doubts about each other?
Howard: No. Never.
Bernadette: Howie, you forget how much of our early dates involved you doing magic and me doing this. (nodding with a fake smile.)
Howard: Fine. I had reservations about you, too.
Bernadette: No, you didn't.
Howard: No, I didn't.
Bernadette: Well, it doesn't matter now, 'cause I love how things worked out.
Howard: Me, too. And I think you're even more beautiful than this rose. (nods and fake smiles again)
Raj: Yeah, see, if you just change the story to the destruction of our galaxy, then a super massive black hole could work. This is great. Thank you so much. I just got to figure out a way for everyone to die that isn't too scary for children.
(cut to Raj's daydream)
Raj: And that's how Mommy and Daddy met.
Claire: Hey, did you ever tell Emily about us?
Raj: I will!
Sheldon: Are you comfortable?
Meemaw: Very. It’s nice to rest after 800 flights of stairs.
Sheldon: You were so cute huffin’ and puffin’. [Knocking.] There’s Amy. I know you’re gonna just hit it off. You have the same fashion sense. Hello. Come in, say hi to my Meemaw.
Amy: Hi. Nice to meet you. How was your trip?
Meemaw: Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.
Amy: That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You’ know, I don’t even get to sit there.
Sheldon: Yeah. And you never will. Oh, hey, oh. Ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her.
Amy: Can I have a tissue?
Meemaw: Of course. (does the tissue trick: pulling one out of her sleeve)
Sheldon: [Laughs] Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-man.
Meemaw: He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means.
Sheldon: Oh well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.
Meemaw: Oh, don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents.
Sheldon: If I did, would I find any?
Meemaw: Maybe. But you might also find my brassieres and bloomers.
Sheldon: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Amy: Well, this is nice. He’s so excited to have you here and…
Meemaw: Okay. Now let’s you and me get something straight. He may think I came here to bake him cookies, but the real reason is to size you up.
Amy: S..s..size me up?
Meemaw: Sheldon’s mother may be okay with you, but I’m not so easy.
Amy: Well, I’m…I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.
Meemaw: Oh, you better hope so.
Sheldon: A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell! Thank you, Meemaw!
Meemaw: Oh, you’re welcome, Moonpie.
Sheldon: Amy, why don’t you look excited? You get to watch me play with it.
Penny: Constance, are you sure I can’t poor you some wine?
Meemaw: Oh, no wine for me. Sheldon’s bringing me my whiskey.
Sheldon: Here you go Meemaw. I made it just how you like—a lot in a glass.
Meemaw: Thank you, Moonpie.
Amy: Um, curious. Why do you call Sheldon “Moon Pie”?
Meemaw: Cause he’s so nummy-nummy…
Leonard & Penny: She could just eat him up.
Sheldon: And I call her Meemaw, because, well, just, well, look at her.
Meemaw: It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.
Amy: Oh, well, you know, now-now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar.
Sheldon: How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.
Amy: Well, now I know. Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, Penny I understand you have a new job.
Penny: Yes. I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Meemaw: Oh, it’s so wonderful you modern gals can have it all. A husband and a full-time career.
Amy: I have a relationship and a full-time career, too.
Meemaw: That doesn’t bode well.
Amy: Why not? You-you just said its okay for her to work.
Meemaw: Well, Leonard doesn’t need as much tending to as Sheldon does. And as Moonpie explained, Leonard’s work is more of a hobby.
Leonard:(annoyed) That’s my best friend.
Amy: Look, I-I get your protective of your grandson, but he’s an adult know. Maybe I understand what he needs better than you.
Meemaw: I appreciate your honesty, dear.
Amy: Thank you.
Meemaw: And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.
Amy: Well, maybe I don’t like you either.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Y-you have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.
Amy: I think I should leave.
Sheldon: But why? Other than you two fighting, we’re having such a good time.
Amy: The minute you left the room, your precious meemaw started giving me a really hard time. I don’t need this.
Meemaw: Let her go. And under no circumstance will you give her that engagement ring.
(Amy stops in her tracks)
Amy: What ring?
Leonard: Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.
Amy: You have an engagement ring?
Amy: Penny, did you know about this?
Penny: All right, let’s go. [Hofstadters exit]
Amy: When did you get an engagement ring?
Sheldon: My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking of giving it to you, but then we broke up.
Meemaw: Well, thank heavens for that.
Amy: Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t think I could do that.
Meemaw: Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger.
Sheldon: I’m going to opt out of that one, too.
Amy: Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I..I don’t need your hand-me-downs.
Sheldon: All right, all right. Look, let’s all…let’s remain calm and analyze this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because you cycles have synced?
Meemaw: You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.
Amy: You don’t speak to him like he’s a child.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’m gonna next door to play with Leonard.
Amy: Look, I know you don’t think I’m right for Sheldon, but trust me. I’m his best shot. You have no idea how much I put up with!
Meemaw: I know more than you think I do.
Amy: Really? You know what it’s like to have date night ruined because Google changes their font?
Meemaw: Young lady, if you think I don’t know what it’s like to live with a stubborn egoistical man, then you’re wrong. ‘Cause that was my husband.
Meemaw: [Sigh.] There were days I wanted to fill his pockets with corn and toss him in the pigpen.
Amy: Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time?
Meemaw: Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.
Penny: Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you.
Sheldon: No. I wouldn’t.
Leonard: Just, get in here.
Penny: Go ahead.
Sheldon: Meemaw, look. I’m sorry, but…I have to defend my girlfriend to you.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon, thank you.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-pop. I..I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw how you stand by him and-and make him a better person.
Meemaw: I did.
Sheldon: Yeah, well that is exactly what I have been doing for the last five years with this little work in progress.
Leonard: He never disappoints, does he?
Amy: I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right?
Penny: Say yes.
Meemaw: Fine. If you feel so strongly, I won’t stand in your way.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?
Meemaw: I suppose.
Sheldon: [Amy, smiles at Sheldon hoping to get engaged.] I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets.