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Leonard: Well, but he doesn’t live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. And that’s the same man that complains you can’t find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

Mary: So tell me, what’s new back home?
Amy: Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.
Mary: Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?
Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.
Amy: They haven’t said. Anyway, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait. I. Shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.
Mary: Come on, Shelly, tell me your news.
Sheldon: All eight. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.
Mary: Well, thank you, for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.
Sheldon: What? What…Where’s the judgement? Where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.
Mary: Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you.
Sheldon: And what “special circumstances” are those?
Mary: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon: What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?
Mary: No, just for the middle part. 'Cause at the end I assumed there’s be nurses.
Sheldon:Well, this is highly insulting.
Amy: Sheldon, don’t over react.
Sheldon: I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock if I spotted them the potato.

Amy: He’s been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary: He’s upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him.
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary: Oh, heck no. [Sheldon enters wearing underwear on his head and flippers.]
Amy: Sheldon, what…what are you doing?
Sheldon:Just being the un-socialized eccentric my mother always thought I was.
Mary: You starting to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.
Amy: We’re ignoring the fins. Okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. Being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.
Amy: I don’t thinks that’s what she’s saying.
Sheldon: [In Apartment 4A.] And…
Amy: That’s exactly what she was saying.

Sheldon: We’ve known about evolution since 1859. She still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat.

Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.
Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?

Leonard: Stupid idea.
Penny: No. what’s stupid is a physicist who doesn’t understand when you swing an axe, you don’t let go.

Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: There’s something on the windshield.

Bernadette: Oh please stop crying. I’m begging you! I don’t know what else to do. My boobs are empty. Do you want lasagna? Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay, it’s okay. Shhh. What have we done?

Bernadette: Why does she hate me? I make her food in my chest. It’s like hating a frozen yogurt machine.