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(Leonard and Beverly in the car driving to the apartment)

Beverly: How dare you invite your father without consulting me!
Leonard: (angrily) I'm sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know and there is no excuse for that.
Beverly: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: (To himself) I was wrong, there are three excuses for that.

(Leonard and Alfred coming up the stairs to the apartment)

Leonard: Oh, we have to use the stairs.
Alfred: When are they going to fix your elevator?
Leonard: Oh, any day now.
Alfred: Well the stairs are fine. Besides your mother is up there. Maybe I'll have a heart attack and not have to see her.
Leonard: I know things are a little rough with you and Mom, but I'm really glad you're here.
Alfred: Me too. I should have never have had that angioplasty because I feel fine.
Leonard: Penny's really looking forward to seeing you.
Alfred: Ah, she's a sweetie. You got a good one there, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you, Dad.
Alfred: How the hell did you do that?

(Mary, Beverly, Sheldon, Amy and Penny waiting in the apartment - much uncomfortable silence. Penny crunches a celery stick, then Amy crunches a chip.)

Sheldon: Well isn't this nice.
Leonard: (Enters apartment with Alfred) Hey, we're here.
Penny: Alfred! Thank you for coming.
Alfred: Oh, I'm happy to be here. Congratulations.
Leonard: Dad you remember Sheldon.
Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.
Alfred: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: And this is Sheldon's mother Mary.
Alfred: How do you do.
Mary: Nice to meet you.
Leonard: And this is Amy his girlfriend.
Alfred: A pleasure.
Amy: Hi.
Leonard: And of course there's Mom.
Alfred: Hello my hateful shrew.
Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
Sheldon: OK, now I'm starting to sense a little tension.

(In the restaurant)

Alfred: (To Mary) Now one of the more interesting things we have found lately is that Neanderthals and Homo sapiens frequently mated with each other.
Mary: Well that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon's father.
Sheldon: (To Amy) That's funny because my father was not a clever man.
Amy: I'd be lost without you.
Leonard: I'd like to make a toast to my wife and bride to be.
Sheldon: (To Amy) That's funny because . . .
Amy: Back to your phone.
Leonard: Penny. I’ve always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did. [Kiss.]
(Alfred and Mary are seen smiling while Sheldon is still on his phone, Beverly isn't quite smiling and Amy holds up her glass)
Amy: Hear, hear.
Leonard: Cheers.
Alfred: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast. Leonard. I am so happy that you found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alfred: Why don't you take a pill?
Beverly: Like you did before sex?
Alfred: What I really needed was a blindfold.

(Penny, Leonard and Sheldon back in the apartment after the dinner)

Sheldon: (Trying to call his mother) She's still not answering.
Leonard: (Trying to contact his father) My father's not texting me back.
Penny: (In a sing-song manner) Cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
Leonard: I don't like it either.
Penny: Really? (Bursts out laughing) Cause I love it.

(In Leonard and Penny's bedroom)

Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi. How was the screening?
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks to make somebody who cut the line fee bad, but only the white people felt bad.
Penny: Ugh, I should’ve never bought him that coloring book that explained Black History month.
Leonard: How’d it go with my mother?
Penny: Uh, you know, it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
Leonard: Wow. Well done.
Penny: Yeah and when I dropped her off at the hotel she even gave me a hug.
Leonard: Did she think you were choking or…I’m sorry. That’s great. Thank you for spending time with her.
Penny: No problem. Um, so listen. I don’t know if you have any plans for next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we’d have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Leonard: What. We’re gonna get married again?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, but now we can invite our friends and family.
Leonard: Seems a lot of trouble for a hug.
Penny: Come on, it’ll be fun, and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn’t invite her to the first one.
Leonard: Look, in our defense, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and also, we don’t like her.
Penny: Leonard, come on, she’s your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn’t we
Leonard: I just said why – we don’t like her.
Penny: Okay look, then forget about her, let’s do this for us. We keep it small and informal. This time we can invite our families.
Leonard: Is your brother out of prison?
Penny: Uh, thanks to overcrowding, yeah.
Leonard: I’d love it if my dad could come.
Penny: Oh you have to invite him. I haven’t seen him since the divorce.
Leonard: Oh, he’s like a different man. Oh. He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half.
Penny: Well then it’s settled.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: Yay. So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you!

(The Posse in the kitchen)

Penny: Okay, so it’s not a legal ceremony, it’s just a chance for us to redo our vows so everyone can be part of it.
Amy: So there’s no maid of honor?
Penny: No.
Amy: Huh. But if I were to, say wear a purple sating dress with a sweetheart neckline and stand near you, you wouldn’t be able to stop me, right?
Penny: I don’t see how I could.
Amy: Then I graciously accept.
Bernadette: Who’s going to officiate?
Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.
Amy: Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honor?

Mary: It was nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.
Sheldon: Well, actually…
Amy: It sure was.
Mary: I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.
Mary: Sure you do.

(Mary and Beverly are barely talking to each other.)

Penny: Whew, chilly.
Amy: I think I can see my breath.

(Howard lists a few movies where the government took over the situation.)

Bernadette: You do realize those weren’t documentaries, right?

(In the car on the way to the restaurant.)

Beverly: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard’s father doesn’t discourage you from the commitment you’ve made to one another.
Penny: Oh, of course not.
Beverly: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.

(In the car on the way to the restaurant.)

Mary: So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
Alfred: Oh, I’m an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
Mary: MY goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
Alfred: [Laughing.]
Sheldon: Don’t laugh. She wasn’t joking.
Amy: Play with your phone.
Alfred: Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.
Mary: I don’t have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that’s very interesting.
Alfred: Oh. I-I don’t mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.
Mary: Really?
Alfred: Yes, I’m an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary: Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice. [Laughter]

(Leonard's toast to Penny.)

Leonard: Penny. I’ve always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did. [Kiss.]
Amy: Hear, hear.

(Alfred and Mary are seen smiling happily)

Leonard: Cheers.
Alfred: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast. Leonard. I am so happy that you found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

(Mary trying to calm the atmosphere.)

Mary: All right everyone. Calm down. "Let’s all remember what it says in the Bible: He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty.”
Beverly: (rudely) Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?
Mary: (angrily) When God writes one, I will.