(at Mrs. Puff’s Boating School, SpongeBob is arranging his pencils on his desk)
SpongeBob: Excuse me, miss?
Nancy: I don’t want to have to report you again.
SpongeBob: (laughs) I was just wondering... (points to the 'Homework' pencil while the other two pencils say 'Quiz' and 'Essay') ...is it the homework pencil on the left side of the paper next to the quiz pencil, or over on the right side all by itself? Or...
Nancy: I think it goes stuck inside your...
SpongeBob: Wait, I got it! The quiz pencil goes right over here next to the essay pencil (moves the pencil) and the essay pencil gets turned sideways toward the notepad, (turns it sideways) just in case I have to write an essay.
Mrs. Puff: (walks in) Good morning class. Sorry I’m late. I got caught in traffic on the way in here when that whole 'I'm- going-to-be-doing-this-for-the-rest-of-my-life' thing reared its ugly head and I...(Everyone stares at her blankly) Anyway, we have a new student starting today, so let’s all put on a happy face for Flat the flounder. (opens the door to show a skinny flounder from the front but when he turns sidways, he's large. The entire class, except SpongeBob, has paper faces, painted with faces, on) Tell the class something about yourself, Flats.
Flats: Well, I like to kick people’s butts. (Mrs. Puff laughs)
Mrs. Puff: What a card! Now Flats, it’s time to pick your seat. Just go ahead and sit anywhere you’d like. (the class move their desks away from the middle of the room, except SpongeBob. Flats sits in the empty seat next to him) Okay class, as you remember last week...
SpongeBob: (to Flats) Hi, I’m SpongeBob!
Flats: Hi, SpongeBob. I’m going to kick your butt. (SpongeBob gasps, then laughs)
SpongeBob: That joke was almost funnier the second time.
Flats: (leans over SpongeBob menacingly) No. I mean it.
SpongeBob: (giggles) That time it almost seemed like... (Flats rips off his his chest hair to show 'I Mean It') (horror-struck)... you did mean it. (raises hand) Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Can I be excused for the rest of my life? (Mrs. Puff chuckles)
Mrs. Puff: Why no, SpongeBob. I’m in the middle of a coffee-fueled sermon right now. You can’t afford to miss this information.
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff. (puts his hand down) Sorry, Mrs. Puff. (Flats grins at Spongebob)
Mrs. Puff: Now, can I please have a volunteer to come up to the board? How about you, Flats? (Flats approaches the board) Please draw for us a diagram of a basic four-way intersection, Flats. (draws an image on the board) Please turn and show the class what you drew, honey. (has drawn pictures of SpongeBob being beat up; SpongeBob yelps) My, how very creative! We have an artist in the class. (everyone applauds, except SpongeBob. Cut to SpongeBob running in the halls and into the bathroom. He hides in one of the toilets)
SpongeBob: I just don’t understand. Why would Flats want to kick my butt? I haven’t said two words to the guy! (cut back to SpongeBob saying "Hi, I'm SpongeBob!" SpongeBob counts on his fingers and gasps) Oh no, that’s three! What am I going to do? (hears the door open) What was that? Someone’s coming. They’re getting closer. I’ve just got to act natural. (fish opens the lid and sees a real sponge)
Fish: Oh that’s real nice. (walks out)
SpongeBob: Phew, I thought for sure that was gonna be... (Flats opens the stall) Flats!! Uh, hello, sir. Kick any good butts lately? Yeah, I remember last week, I was kicking this guy’s butt real good. And he leans over and says, 'Hey, you know, life’s like a bucket of wood shavings. (Flats looks dumbfounded) Except for when the shavings are in a pail, then it’s like a pail of wood shavings!' (giggles)
Flats: Hey, that story really speaks to me.
SpongeBob: Really? What’s it say?
Flats: It says now, I’m gonna kick your butt twice as hard. (Flats leaves. SpongeBob flushes the toilet, making water spray out of his holes. Cut to later where SpongeBob is walking down the hall writing on a clipboard)
SpongeBob: ...and I leave Gary’s water bowl to Gary, and my curtains to... oh Neptune, I just can’t do this. (the school phone rings and SpongeBob picks it up) Death row, next in line speaking.
Patrick: (over phone) Hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery.
SpongeBob: Patrick? Is that you? (cut back to Patrick’s rock)
Patrick: Yeah, hey Mario. Let me get a large double olive, double- (cut back to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Patrick, listen! It’s me, SpongeBob! I need your help!
Patrick: (over phone) You’re working at Pizza Castle now?
SpongeBob: What? No, listen! I’m in big trouble. There’s a new guy at school here and he wants to kick my butt! Listen, you’re big and strong, do you think you could come down here and maybe rough him a bit? Just to get him off my back? Please, Patrick, I’m so scared, it feels like I’m gonna throw up.
Patrick: (over phone) No, they’re not closed. I know, you want olives.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you there?
Patrick: (over phone) Oh, I’m sorry, SpongeBob. I was just talking to my old community college buddy, Flats. (SpongeBob is horror-struck) (Cut to Patrick's rock where Flats is sitting on the couch enjoying a beverage) I bumped into him at the soda store, isn’t that funny? (cut back to SpongeBob) It must have been years since we’ve seen each other. Well, let me get going. He’s got to go back to school soon. He says he’s got to kick somebody’s butt. (SpongeBob drops the phone and runs away screaming) Hello? Is this Pizza Castle? (cut to Mrs. Puff’s room where SpongeBob smashes into the door)
Mrs. Puff: Come in, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, can I be in a different class?
Mrs. Puff: But why?
SpongeBob: I can’t tell you.
Mrs. Puff: Why ever not?
SpongeBob: I just can’t, Mrs. Puff. My physical being is at stake, let’s just leave it at that.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, you can tell me anything. You’ve got to believe that.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. But only if you promise to keep it between us.
Mrs. Puff: Of course.
SpongeBob: Flats says he’s going to kick my butt!
Mrs. Puff: What? There shall be no butt-kicking in any class of mine! This is an adult program. SpongeBob, just leave it to me.
SpongeBob: Aw, thanks Mrs. Puff. I knew I could count on you. (cut to SpongeBob eating a sandwich outside. The bell rings and everyone goes back in the classroom)
Mrs. Puff: Have a nice lunch, SpongeBob? (walks in the classroom)
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: (whispers) SpongeBob, I talked to Flats for you. I used your name. It was all a big misunderstanding.
SpongeBob: You what?!?!
Mrs. Puff: He was never going to kick your butt at all! You see SpongeBob, Flats is from a town where kicking someone’s butt means that he wants to be your friend. (Flats makes a SpongeBob out of sand and kicks it) And maybe play some sports with you on weekends.
SpongeBob: I’ve got diarrhea! (runs off and sees an older flounder in a boat) Huh? Are you Flats' dad?
Flats’ Dad: Why, yes I am.
SpongeBob: Okay, see, I didn’t know where else to turn! Patrick couldn’t help me, and Mrs. Puff only made it worse. I sit next to your son Flats in school, and he is a fine boy in all, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but he wants to kick my butt. (Flats is by the boat)
Flats: Dad, what’re you doing?
Flats’ Dad: Uhh, nothing son.
Flats: What did I tell you about talking to strangers?
Flats’ Dad: (to SpongeBob) Now he’s going to kick my butt! (SpongeBob screams and runs away)
SpongeBob: Out of my way! Out of my way! (points) Can’t you see he’s gonna kick my butt?! (a bunch of fish look over to an older fish at a bus stop)
Old Man: Hi there young people, nice day today.
Fish #2: So, you like kicking butts, do ya? Well we’ll show you, old man! (the fish start beating up on the old fish while SpongeBob is hiding in a garbage can)
SpongeBob: Okay, okay, I got to skip town, start a new life, live under an assumed name! "BobPants SpongeSquare". Yeah, that’s good. Grow a beard, and then shave it off, and live happily ever after. (Flats is behind him driving a dump truck)
Flats: Yeah, except you forgot the part where I kick your butt! (SpongeBob gasps three times and runs off while still in the garbage can. As he is running down the road, trash falls out of the garbage can, including a banana peel. Flats screams when he sees the banana peel on the ground. When the dump truck runs over the peel, it flips upside down. Cut to later where Flats is in a hospital)
SpongeBob: Hey Flats, you feeling better?
Flats: What? Where am I?
Doctor: (walks in) Why, you’re in the hospital. This young boy saved your life. He performed CPR for five hours straight.
SpongeBob: Yeah. They said you’d be okay after the first few minutes, but I just wanted to be sure.
Flats: Wow, I’m touched. I’ll have to remember that when I’m kicking your butt. (SpongeBob is thunderstruck, accompanied with glass shattering) Those flowers for me? (SpongeBob runs out of the hospital screaming)
SpongeBob: He’s still gonna kick my butt! (the fish look at the old fish again)
Fish #2: How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?
Old Man: I love the young people! (the fish walk up to the old fish. Cut to SpongeBob running back to his house)
SpongeBob: Oh Gary, I’m too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven’t gotten to do! (cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone) Hold on, I’ll transfer your call. (cut back to a knock on the door) Who is it? (door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams) Flats!
Flats: It’s butt-kicking time!
SpongeBob: Gary, there’s something I want you to know, but I’m too scared to remember what it is. (Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breaths harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder)
Flats: Let’s do it!
SpongeBob: Go away, Gary. I don’t want you to see this. It’ll be ugly. (Gary gets out a camera from his shell)
Flats: Are you ready?
SpongeBob: Hold on. (puts a blindfold over his eyes) Okay, I’m ready. (Flats punches SpongeBob but it doesn't hurt SpongeBob) I said I’m ready. (Flats tries again but same result happens) Didn’t you hear me? I said I’m ready. (Flats punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles) That tickles. (Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob) Gary, I’m absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you known what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! (cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary, chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but not as hard. He passes out from punching too much) Flats, are you okay? (everyone cheers) Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that’s riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... (clenches fist) ...'violence road'. (Mrs Puff walks in)
Mrs. Puff: Sorry I’m late, class, I... (gasps as she sees SpongeBob’s fist and Flats on the ground) SpongeBob! I can’t believe you beat up a new student! (zoom out of school) I’m going to kick your butt!