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It's alive! Aah! That better not be poo. Ha ha ha ha ha! That'll teach you to vote for Nader! Ha ha ha ha huh? What the hell? I got laid! I got laid! I got laid! What can I say? Nerds are hot. Gonna tell the internet. Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid, laid, laid, laid, laid, laid, laid, laid! Mmm. Hot. Simon says go play in traffic. - Yay! - Yay! You know, movie producer Dean Devlin I always felt bad about screwing millions of moviegoers out of their hard-earned money with that steaming pile of crap we made called Godzilla. I know, Roland Emmerich. We should totally remake it. A remake of a remake? Brilliant! The eggs, they're hatching! Run! Run! Aah! Whew. We gave you jerks $150 million to remake Godzilla and you gave us a steaming pile of crap! Again! - Yes! - Yes! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. Well, yes, and spiders. That goes without saying. - And snakes. - Yes, snakes, too. And don't forget werewolves. There is no such thing. Ooh! Yeah! Fun! Yeah! Aha! Aah! That's right, folks. We've got a whole lot of 2005 vehicles that must be sold thanks to Crazy Davy's chapter 11 debt restructuring. Yep, there go my wife and kids. I won't be seeing them again. Crazy Davy's circling the bowl, folks. Hell, just bend Crazy Davy over the hood of this fine luxury sedan and cornhole him till you're satisfied. And as a special bonus if you find my brains on your windshield you can have my dog! Well, better luck next time. OK, so the only things we have to fear are spiders, snakes, werewolves, sharks, dying alone zombies, clowns, heights big dogs, robots with human brains Johnson's wife, and fear itself.
(A man named Doug who was walking past several archery targets)
Doug: Man, my life sucks. I hate working at the stupid archery range.
(As he says the last word he is impaled through the head by a stray arrow, and collapses.)
(Doug wakes up, surrounded by a completely white background.)
Doug: Uhh...wha-where am I?
Buddha: You're in Purgatory, Doug. Spin the Wheel of Reincarnation.
Doug: Oh, boy! I hope I land on Keira Knightley's underwear!
(Doug spins the wheel.)
Buddha: (Sighs) Everyone wishes for that one.
(The wheel spins to a stop, and for a moment appears to land on 'Keira Knightley's Underwear', before settling upon 'Huggytime Bear'.)
Doug: Huggytime Bear?
(Doug disappears from Purgatory and reappears in a field as a Huggytime Bear.)
Doug: Where am I?
Doug: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
Pink Bear with Triangle On Chest: Welcome! We're the Huggytime Bears, and we shall call you...Dougalot Bear!
Doug: What the fuck is a Huggytime Bear?
Pink Bear: We spread peace and love with our special powers! (Bears start laughing)
Doug: Ah, fuck.
(Doug and the Huggytime Bears are walking.)
Shamrock Bear: Let's go spread joy to children!
Doug: Oh, man! I wish I landed on 'Keira Knightley's Underwear!"
Pink Bear: Uh, please don't mention that around the children.
(Two boys are sitting in a forest.)
Boy 1: I feel sad.
Boy 2: Yeah, but at least we're not gay.
(The boys are revealed to be sitting on one side of a campfire, with the Huggytime Bears on the other side.)
Pink Bear: Maybe we can help!
Boys: (in unison) The Huggytime Bears!
Shamrock Bear: (with his last words) Get ready for some fun and love everyon-
(Doug pushes Shamrock Bear into the campfire, where he proceeds to burn to death while shrieking in pain. The other two bears turn and glare at Doug.)
Doug: What? His name was Shamrock Bear. He was obviously Irish, and therefore drunk. Am I right, or am I right?
Pink Bear: This is unforgivable.
Pink Bear with Heart: Bring out the Gimp.
(The Gimp with a whip crashes out of the forest into the campsite.)
Doug: (restrained by the other two bears) No-noo!
(Doug is back at the archery range, lying on the ground, with the arrow stuck through his head, still screaming.)
(Keira Knightley walks into view and kneels down next to Doug.)
Keira Knightley: Oh my gosh, I've shot you.
Doug: Keira Knightley?
Keira Knightley: Shh, don't worry about a thing. The paramedics will be here soon.
Doug: (chuckles) I was almost your underwear, you know.
Ha ha, jerk ass! I got you, Timmy. L I can't feel my arms and legs. Previously on Big Brother a practical joke war resulted in hurt feelings. Oh! Ghostface's laundry debacle earned him the wrath of Freddy. Aw, where the hell's my sweater? Chill out. It's in the dryer. You fool! The label clearly says permanent press. It says, whoever reaches the kitten first will win the golden power of Veto. Competition was fierce but it was Leatherface who stood victorious. As a result, it was Michael and Ghostface who found themselves on the block. Ohh! Who will be evicted? Find out live tonight. If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy: That would be a dream come true. You get it? A dream? I kill people in their nightmares, man. That's what I do. It's my thing. Last week, America voted online to decide which houseguest would get to call home on a T-mobile cell phone. Tonight, we have the results. And the winner is Ghostface! America made the right choice, giving the call to Ghostface. Of course, I would've called my mum. Today's her birthday. I love you, Mum. - Hello? - I see you making popcorn. - Who is this? - I saw the Charlie's Angels sequel. - That was a piece of crap! - I'm hanging up! Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house. In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code. It's time to decide which houseguest gets evicted. Michael, Ghostface, you may now plead your case. You know, I'm just trying to keep it real and I will treasure the friendships I have made in this house my whole life. But if it's my time to go, hey, no hard feelings. L Your turn, Michael. Stop that. Stop it! The votes have been cast and the next houseguest evicted from Big Brother is Michael. Michael Myers. They just kicked you out of the house. How do you feel? I feel randy, baby, yeah! - Wayne's World! Party time! - Ow! - Excellent! - Ow! Stop stabbing me! Ow! - Ba-gawk! - Bock. Stupid monkey.