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Universal's Ted 2 - Theatrical Poster
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Ted
  • Narrator: [voice over] We are often told that happily ever afters exists only in the pages of fairy tales and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. And yet, on this bright sunny Boston afternoon, a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend. Proving two things: Happy endings can come true for anyone and America doesn't give a shit about anything. [we see Ted and Tami-Lynn in a church getting married]
  • Sam Jones: Do you Tami-Lynn McCafferty take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?
  • Tami-Lynn: I do!
  • Sam Jones: And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
  • Ted: *cking right I do!
  • Sam Jones: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bear. [Ted and Tami-Lynn kiss and the guests in the church clap and cheer] [at their wedding reception]
  • Tami-Lynn: Teddy, this is the best day of my life! I just love you so much!
  • Ted: I love you, too, baby! 'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight!
  • Tami-Lynn: Let's go get shit faced!
  • Ted: Okay! [Tami-Lynn gets them some bears from the bar]
  • Tami-Lynn: Thank you. [she hands a bottle to Ted, at the same time Guy walks up to them hand in hand with his boyfriend]
  • Guy: Hey, congratulations, you mo-fo’s.
  • Ted: Oh, hey, Guy.
  • Guy: Beautiful ceremony.
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, thank you so much for being part of it.
  • Guy: Hey, this is my new boyfriend Rick.
  • Rick: How you doin’?
  • Tami-Lynn: Good, good.
  • Guy: He is a gourmet chef. So he knows how to toss a salad. [they both chuckle]
  • Guy: Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, you guys getting married?
  • Guy: No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.
  • Rick: Huh! *ck you.
  • Guy: *ck you.
  • Rick: Deal. [they high five each other and hold onto each other arms] [Ted notices John sitting on his own looking sad so Ted walks over to him]
  • Ted: Hey, buddy. Are you okay there? You look a little down. Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party? [flashback to Ted’s bachelor party where Ted, John and some other guys are watching something on TV]
  • John: She’s *cking begging for it!
  • Ted: She’s totally. Yeah, get it! Get in there!
  • Bachelor Party Guest: Look at her! She wants it bad! [we see they are watching a nature program where two bears are copulating]
  • John: Yeah, she wants more than just a *cking pizza delivery, huh?
  • Ted: That’s bigger than the average bear, right there, I’ll tell you that.
  • John: Hey, you know what’s *cked up? That’s somebody’s *cking daughter!
  • Ted: You know what, Johnny? It's entirely possible it's his daughter.
  • Bachelor Party Guest: Oh, Jesus, come on! [back to the wedding reception with Ted and John looking sad]
  • John: No, I’m fine. I was…I was just thinking about Lori.
  • Ted: Oh, Johnny. Come on. Man, it’s been six months since you guys got divorced.
  • John: I know! I know! It’s just that…I don’t know, being back in that church again? You know, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.
  • Ted: Yeah, well, you’re not the first guy to marry the wrong girl.
  • Sam Jones: Hey! Big day, huh, bud? You guys want to celebrate with a little…? [he wipes his nose indicating drugs]
  • Ted: Oh, no. Thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn’d kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day.
  • Sam Jones: Ah, she won’t notice. I just did a line with a dude in the men’s room and I bet you can’t even spot him. [he looks up and we see a man vigorously jumping rope in the middle of the guests, he then punches a guest and jumps out the window]
  • Ted: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. [as they are dancing at their wedding reception] This is the best day of my life! [One Year Later; Ted is sat in their apartment going through their piled up bills] Hey, I’m starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
  • Tami-Lynn: I’m carrying cancer! I’m cooking your *cking steak! What do you think I’m doing?
  • Ted: What do I think you’re doing? I think you’re bleeding us dry, is what I think you’re doing. [pointing to a bill] Look at this, look at this! A hundred and twenty-nine dollars at Filings Basement! What are you buying over there, Tami, gold bars?
  • Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy!
  • Ted: What do you mean? You wear a smock! You're a *ckin' cashier!
  • Tami-Lynn: Yeah! So are you!
  • Ted: Yeah, exactly and I'm not... I'm not goin' out and buyin' designer shit! I'm not goin' into--
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buyin' weed! You're just buyin' drugs, you should *ckin' talk!
  • Ted: I was talkin'. I was just talkin', just now, until you interrupted me.
  • Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to *ckin' say anything!
  • Ted: Are you going to let me finish talkin'?
  • Tami-Lynn: You’re always cuttin' me off!
  • Ted: Are you going to let me finish talkin'?
  • Tami-Lynn: You know what?
  • Ted: Are you going to let me finish talkin'?
  • Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay? I'm tryin' to climb corporate fence here! Okay?
  • Ted: People are not…! Nobody is in there to look at your ass. They're all there to buy…
  • Tami-Lynn: You know what? You’re acting like an asshole!
  • Ted: Oh, what am I acting like?!
  • Tami-Lynn: You’re acting like a *cking asshole!
  • Ted: What am I acting like?!
  • Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That’s what you’re acting like.
  • Ted: You don’t have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag.
  • Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay?
  • Ted: The face of business? Jesus Christ!
  • Tami-Lynn: Just get off my case, all right?!
  • Ted: Listen to you, you’re delusional!
  • Tami-Lynn: I should’ve married Robby Echico, I really should’ve.
  • Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
  • Tami-Lynn: He treated me good, and he had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
  • Ted: Oh, news flash! "Boston whore has seen Italian penis."
  • Tami-Lynn: What the *ck did you just call me? What did you just *cking call me…? [suddenly Tami-Lynn picks up the frying pan off the stove and throws it at Ted]
  • Ted: Jesus *cking Christ?! What the *ck?!
  • Tami-Lynn: Are you gonna call me a whore?! [Tami-Lynn throws the toaster at Ted]
  • Ted: You wanna throw shit?
  • Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna *cking throw shit!
  • Ted: I’ll *cking throw shit! [Ted throws a beer bottle at the wall smashing it] There! See? How do you like that? [he then throws the table over]
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh! I’m so scared. I’m really *cking scared of you, little *cking bear!
  • Boston Neighbor: Shut the *ck up!
  • Ted: Oh, for Christ’s sake! [Ted opens the window and shout down to the neighbor] You shut the *ck up!
  • Boston Neighbor: Why do not you come down and make me, tough guy?
  • Ted: Yeah, why don’t you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
  • Boston Neighbor: I am gonna come up there and I’m gonna kick your *cking ass!
  • Ted: I want you to try, asshole! Get your ass up here and kick my ass! [a Portuguese neighbor opens her window and shouts at the in Portuguese]
  • Boston Neighbor: Shut the *ck up you stupid idiot! [directed to Portuguese neighbor]
  • Ted: This is a classy neighborhood, people are trying to sleep!
  • Boston Neighbor: Shut the *ck up! [the Portuguese neighbor closes her window] Hey, I’m really sorry!
  • Ted: Yeah, me too.
  • Boston Neighbor: She’s worse than us.
  • Ted: Yeah, she’s our enemy now. [Ted is at the bar drinking with John]
  • John: You guys at least tried marriage therapy?
  • Ted: Oh, God. Yeah, it was a freaking disaster. Two hundred and fifty dollars and we didn’t learn a Goddamn thing.
  • John: Two-fifty? Due, that’s ridiculous. I mean, doesn’t your insurance cover that or something?
  • Ted: No, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obama Care on the internet, but I came back five minutes later, she was looking at black cocks.
  • John: It seems like every time you go online you’re two clicks away from black cocks. Look, see? [he takes out his phone] I googled Grand Canyon. Here. Look, it says, “Did you mean black cocks?”
  • Ted: I don’t know, man, I gotta do something or my marriage is gonna collapse.
  • Allison: Here you go, guys. [she brings them their drinks] We’re gonna be closing in a few minutes. I’m going to this after hours thing at my friend’s apartment if you want to join?
  • John: Oh, thanks, Allison, but I got an early day tomorrow.
  • Allison: Oh. Okay. Well, if you change your mind, here’s the address. [she writes it down on a napkin] I put my cell number on there too. [she turns and walks away]
  • Ted: Oh, my God! Are you *ckin’ kiddin’ me?
  • John: What?
  • Ted: What do you mean what? After hours? Jeez, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
  • John: I’m not into it.
  • Ted: John, you’ve been saying that for over a year and a half about every chick that throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man!
  • John: No, don’t start this shit. Alright? Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and got burned. I’m not gonna make that mistake again.
  • Ted: Jesus, Johnny. You’re not gonna marry Allison, you’re just gonna bang her, and maybe pee a little on her.
  • John: What?
  • Ted: It’s always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
  • John: Yeah, I gotta take a leak. [John rises and walks off]
  • Ted: Sorry, Allison. I tried.
  • Allison: Oh, it’s okay. I just wish he wasn’t so Goddamn cute.
  • Ted: Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniels with just a splash of Gray Goose?
  • Allison: Wish I could help you, but we’re closing.
  • Ted: Come on. One drink and I promise I won’t tell anybody that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex. [we hear John shouting from the bathroom]
  • John: Hey, what the *ck are you doing? Get off me! [Jay Leno walks out of the bathroom]
  • Jay Leno: Sorry! It’s my mistake. [at the grocery store, Liam Neeson stops at Ted’s counter to buy Trix cereal]
  • Liam Neeson: Hey.
  • Ted: Hello.
  • Liam Neeson: I’d, uh…like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
  • Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
  • Liam Neeson: That’s right. I’ve been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children, is that correct?
  • Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh…Trix are for kids in the commercials.
  • Liam Neeson: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
  • Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
  • Liam Neeson: So if I purchases these Trix there’ll be no trouble?
  • Ted: No, no, you should be fine.
  • Liam Neeson: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
  • Ted: I…I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
  • Liam Neeson: Okay, I’m gonna bring these back to my apartment.
  • Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. You’ll…you’ll be okay.
  • Liam Neeson: And, uh…I won’t be followed?
  • Ted: Uh, no. That’s…that’s not in our budget here. [Liam Neeson puts the money on the counter]
  • Liam Neeson: Hey, I won’t forget what you’ve done for me here today.
  • Ted: I would prefer that you do. [Liam Neeson hides the cereal box under his jacket and walks off] Jesus Christ! [Ted’s co-worker, Joy, notices that Tami-Lynn is not talking to Ted]
  • Joy: You two still not talking?
  • Ted: No. Honest to God, Joy, I don’t know how to fix this. I mean, how the hell do you take a broken marriage and make it work again?
  • Joy: Well, I tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby.
  • Ted: A baby?
  • Joy: Uh-huh! Look at that. You see them two white niggers over there? [Ted turns to look at the couple in the store holding their baby]
  • Ted: Yeah, what?
  • Joy: Look at ’em, they’re so happy. Because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn’t have that baby, they’d just be two sad ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abby to come home.
  • Ted: “White”, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase or…?
  • Joy: I’m telling you Ted, y’all better have a baby or your marriage is over. Trust. [Ted goes to see Tami-Lynn in the stock room]
  • Ted: Uh, hey.
  • Tami-Lynn: Go away Teddy.
  • Ted: Tami, listen, I just want to talk to you. Okay? Will you just listen to me for one second?
  • Tami-Lynn: Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes?
  • Ted: No! Look, I’m sorry about that, okay? I’m sorry, I was an asshole and I didn’t mean it.
  • Tami-Lynn: You know, whatever, Teddy.
  • Ted: Tami, listen. I love you. Okay? And…and I don’t want us to fight like we’ve been doing the past few months.
  • Tami-Lynn: I don’t know, Teddy. I mean, something got to change. You know? Because I can’t do this no more. It’s too much.
  • Ted: I know, I know. And that’s why I want to have a baby.
  • Tami-Lynn: You do?
  • Ted: Yeah.
  • Tami-Lynn: A baby? Like really?
  • Ted: Yeah! See I think if we got a kid to love, it’ll teach us how to love each other again.
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God, Teddy. You better not be messing with me.
  • Ted: I swear to God, I’m not messing with you. I think you’ll make an awesome mom.
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? I would like kick so much ass at moming.
  • Ted: So what do you say, we all good?
  • Tami-Lynn: Yes! Ah, I love you! I love you so much!
  • Ted: Oh, baby! I love you too! [Tami-Lynn kisses Ted] Let’s make a baby!
  • Tami-Lynn: Let’s make a baby! [Ted begins having intercourse with Tami-Lynn]
  • Ted: Lemme know when you're ready to go, and I'll stick a bottle of Newman's Own in ya. All the profits go to charity.
  • Frank: [At Frank's desk] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
  • Ted: I *cked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
  • Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you. [John and Ted are sat on the couch getting stoned as they watch TV]
  • John: Okay, are you ready?
  • Ted: Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
  • John: Here it comes.
  • Ted: Okay. Okay. I’m ready.
  • [to the tune of the "Law & Order" theme music]
  • John: ♪ Bum-bum. ♪
  • Ted: Let’s all go to court.
  • John: ♪ Bum-bum. ♪
  • Ted: ♪ Let’s go make some law now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some law. Bow. ♪ I say we go to court.
  • John: Yes, let’s go to court.
  • Ted: We’re a bunch of assholes who take up a whole hallway with our conversation. ♪ Hey, you lawyer guys. You don’t know me and Johnny are watchin' you...while we’re high. ♪
  • John: That was fuckin' magic.
  • Ted: That felt smooth. That felt really smooth.
  • John: So in the pocket.
  • Ted: Hey, so, uh…listen, I got, uh…I got some big news to tell you.
  • John: Oh, yeah. What’s that?
  • Ted: Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby.
  • John: Holy shit! You?
  • Ted: Yeah! Yeah! We talked about it today.
  • John: Dude, that’s *cking awesome! Congratulations!
  • Ted: Thank You!
  • John: Wait, wait, wait! How do you guys…?
  • Ted: Well, that’s the thing. We…we, uh…we gotta find a sperm donor. And, um…I’m wondering, what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him?
  • John: You want to Flash Gordon to father of your child?
  • Ted: Yeah, I mean do you think would that be weird? Like he’d be freaked out if I…?
  • John: No, I think he’d be flattered, plus your baby would be a *cking superhero!
  • Ted: Well that was the logic I arrived at as well.
  • John: I say do it.
  • Ted: All right, I'll shoot him an e-mail right now and see if I can stop by tonight. You'll come with me?
  • John: Sure!
  • Ted: All right, great. [as Ted goes to send a text to Sam Jones] Shit, I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
  • John: Yeah, go ahead.
  • Ted: Okay, thanks. [Ted goes to use John’s laptop] What the *ck?!?!?!?!? (in horror)
  • John: Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter? What happened? What's going on? [John goes over to Ted who’s sat looking at John’s laptop]
  • Ted: There is so much porn!
  • John: What the hell are you doing looking at my private shit?!
  • Ted: What are you talking about “private shit”? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
  • John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that out.
  • Ted: Jesus Chri- Look at the organization here: Clockwise rim job, counter clockwise rim job.
  • John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way.
  • Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with dicks?!
  • John: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right? I need help!
  • Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
  • John: Well this is such a relief. You have to help, I’m glad I finally got caught. I wanted to be caught!
  • Ted: Johnny, you listen to me. This is a wakeup call. Alright? You gotta get back out there and meet somebody because you are spiraling out of control here.
  • John: All right, all right. Fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please!
  • Ted: Johnny, I mean it! All right? The next chick you meet you are getting be back in the game.
  • John: Fine, I got it. Done!
  • Ted: All right. [Ted picks up John’s laptop] Now let's get rid of this.
  • John: What do you mean? Just delete the files.
  • Ted: No, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer. [we see John and Ted smashing the laptop]
  • John: Alright, there. Are you happy?
  • Ted: No, the circuits can still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor. [we see John and Ted burying the laptop at the bottom of the harbor] [Ted and John rise back up] Okay, we'll come back once every three months, take a dive and check on it. [Ted and John are at Sam Jones’ house] So basically that’s it. We need a sperm donor. So what do you say? You’d really be helping me and Tami out.
  • Sam Jones: No can do, my brother.
  • Ted: Well why not?
  • Sam Jones: Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the eighties and my…my sperm count is a little low.
  • John: Well how low?
  • Sam Jones: One.
  • John: One?
  • Sam Jones: Yeah, little fella’s having his own “I am Legend” in my nut sack.
  • Ted: Well, can we have that one?
  • Sam Jones: No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. Come on guys. I mean, are we done here? I gotta go. That Sister, Sister marathon ain’t gonna watch itself. [as they leave Sam Jones’ house]
  • Ted: I can't believe it. That son-of-a-bitch!
  • John: That was really selfish of him.
  • Ted: I know, and after I've watched his piece of shit movie like a hundred times. Goddamn it! [Ted throws a stone in anger and it hits Sam Jones' car window, smashing it]
  • John: Oh, shit! [Ted and John make a run for it]
  • Ted: Johnny, please, just help me do this, okay? He’s the only guy in the world whose sperm is even close to Flash Gordon’s.
  • John: Teddy, it’s insane. We can get in a lot of trouble.
  • Ted: Not if nobody finds out. Look, look. John, John. We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep and sneak out with the sperm. It’ll be easy. And think how awesome the baby will be.
  • John: It would be a sweet ass *cking baby. Alright, I’ll help you, but we gotta have a game plan. [posing as an A/C repair man, John knocks on a door of a large house; to himself] I’m calm down. Just calm down. [Tom Brady opens the front door]
  • Tom Brady: Yeah, can I help you?
  • John: Hey. Um…you’re, uh… Tom Brady?
  • Tom Brady: Yeah.
  • John: Um…your neighbors called and your air-conditioning is making a lot of noise so I’m supposed to check out the unit.
  • Tom Brady: Oh, okay. Yeah, it’s around the back.
  • John: Okay. Um… I just, I need a signature, in case I gotta get some parts for the building. [he gives Tom Brady a pad with pen and paper to sign] If you could just write that to John and Ted with number twelve. And you’re not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
  • Tom Brady: It’s around the back.
  • John: Alright. Yeah. [John goes round the back and cuts the A/C] [that night Tom Brady finds his A/C isn't working]
  • Tom Brady: Stupid *cking idiot! [he opens his bedroom window to cool off before going to bed; outside the house Ted and John watch the lights go out]
  • Ted: Okay. Go, go, go! [Ted and John climb onto Tom Brady’s bedroom balcony]
  • John: Take the damn rain gear off, you’re making too much noise.
  • Ted: Piss off! I don’t wanna get any jizz on me. [they walk over to Tom Brady, who’s asleep in his bed] Two league MVPs, four Super Bowl rings. Guaranteed first bell at hall of fame. Now let’s give him a hand job into this red solo cup.
  • John: All right, go ahead.
  • Ted: What…what do you mean go ahead? You gotta do it.
  • John: What are you talking about? You’re the one who needs the sperm.
  • Ted: Yeah, but it’s gotta be a human hand. It’s gotta be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn’t work.
  • John: No, it doesn’t, it’s just friction
  • Ted: Look, I’ve never done this before.
  • John: Well neither have I!
  • Ted: You do it to yourself!
  • John: Yeah, but that’s different!
  • Ted: You’re an adult with a poster of this guy in your *cking room. You’re telling me you don’t want this?
  • John: Yeah, I want it. You know I want it, but I’m nervous, alright? What if he doesn’t like the way I’m doing it? He’s like the best.
  • Ted: Pull yourself together for God sakes. He’s gonna love it. Go, go, go!
  • John: Alright. [John gently lifts Tom Brady’s bed cover as he sleeps, and they see a golden light shining through from Brady’s groin area]
  • John: Sweet God and baby Jesus.
  • Ted: And that’s at rest. [suddenly Tom Brady wakes up]
  • Tom Brady: WHAT THE HELL?!
  • John: Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time.
  • Tom Brady: What are you doing here? Who are you? Get out of my house!
  • John: Wait, Mr. Brady! [John falls off the balcony]
  • Ted: Wait, wait, wait! Mr. Brady! [Brady picks up Ted]
  • Tom Brady: And take your Goddamn teddy bear with you! [he throws Ted down at John]
  • John: Holy shit: Perfect spiral!
  • Ted: Come on, let’s get out of here. [the quickly make a run for it] [after running from Tom Brady’s house] *ck! What the hell do we do now?
  • John: Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.
  • Ted: What’s that?
  • John: Why didn’t you just come to me?
  • Ted: What are you talking about?
  • John: For the sperm.
  • Ted: Johnny, you kidding me? You’re the first person I wanted to go. But you…you’ve just been so bummed out over your divorce lately, that I just, you know, I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. And plus, after seeing your laptop I didn’t think you had any left.
  • John: Just so you know, I’m totally willing to do it.
  • Ted: Really? You…you’d do that for me?
  • John: What? Ted, you’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you. And besides, we just broke into Tom Brady’s house and tried to jerk him off. You’re ready to be a parent.
  • Ted: God, I do not know what to say. Johnny, thank you. Thank you so much!
  • John: Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?
  • Ted: Thunder buddies for life.
  • John: Now, come on. We gotta get out of here before the cops show up.
  • Police Car Radio: [over a cop’s car radio] All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units please respond.
  • Boston PD Cop #2: What’s a 3-17?
  • Boston PD Cop #1: Someone’s trying to steal Tom Brady’s jizz again. [Ted and John are sat waiting in a fertility clinic, Ted notices John subtly touching his groin]
  • Boston PD Cop #2: Really?
  • Boston PD Cop #1: Welcome to Boston, kid.
  • Ted: What is that?
  • John: What?
  • Ted: What are you doing?
  • John: I’m getting ready, dude.
  • Ted: What do you mean you’re getting ready? What are you doing with your hand?
  • John: I’m doing this for you, I’m getting ready. I gotta go in there and perform.
  • Ted: You got your hand on your dick. What are you doing?
  • John: I’m trying to get it half hard so when I get in there I can just bust it out.
  • Ted: Sitting out here in the public, jerking off? Where do you think you are, a Red Lobster? What are you doing?
  • John: What do you think I’m gotta do in there, alright?
  • Ted: Forget it. Now look, you haven’t smoked pot for two whole days right?
  • John: Yes, I told you, I'm clean. All right? Your baby is gonna be fine.
  • Ted: All right, I'm sorry. I just don't want something I gotta feed with a pitchfork when he's 16.
  • Female Nurse: John Bennett?
  • John: Hi.
  • Female Nurse: Right this way. I'll show where to deposit your specimen. [John goes to follow the nurse]
  • Ted: Hey, Johnny! Johnny. [he points the nurse and indicates that John should bang her]
  • John: [as the fertility clinic nurse is escorting him] I'm John Bennett.
  • Female Nurse: I know, I just said your name.
  • John: All right, yeah. Sorry, I'm... I'm just a little nervous. You know I've been out of the game for a while.
  • Female Nurse: The game?
  • John: Well, I don't... I don't talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women…ladies.
  • Female Nurse: I see.
  • John: Hey, when I’m done here, how about a drink? [the nurse looks at the cup he’s holding up with confusion] Oh, I didn’t…I don’t mean this. I just… I meant like a regular drink.
  • Female Nurse: I have a boyfriend.
  • John: Oh, yeah. Okay. Too bad, you’re missing out on a great guy. Do I just spit in my hand or do I get like a lube or something or a magazine? In video I like Asian teens…
  • Female Nurse: There's stuff right there.
  • John: All right. Yeah, thanks. [Ted walks up to the fertility clinic receptionist]
  • Ted: Excuse me, where's your non-jerking off bathroom?
  • Receptionist: Down that hallway to the left.
  • Ted: Okay, thanks. [Ted walks down the hallway and notices a door with the sign "Donor Storage"] Oh, no way. [a doctor walks out of the storage room] Oh, hey, doc. Is this where you guys store all the, uh... stuff?
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: It’s the intermediary station before insemination. Are you..
  • Ted: Oh, no. My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample in one of the rooms.
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: Well, that’s a good friend.
  • Ted: Yeah.
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: I’m Dr. Danzer.
  • Ted: Oh, cool. [Ted chuckles and sings] “Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer.” Yeah, whatever. I don’t know.
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: Wait now, you look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came to life?
  • Ted: I am. That’s me, yeah.
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: See, I was trying to figure out where I’d seen you before and that’s it.
  • Ted: That’s a good eye, good eye. So, uh…how did you get in to this line of work? Do you just love cum?
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: Uh, not especially. But I love helping good people fulfill their dreams of having children. It’s amazing what we can do here. You wanna…you wanna have a look?
  • Ted: Yeah, sure. [Danzer shows Ted into the storage room]
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnoses. We can eliminate hereditary diseases such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle cell anemia. The list goes on and on really.
  • Ted: Wow. [John enters the room] Hey, Johnny, you did it!
  • John: Right here, buddy.
  • Ted: [he holds up the his cup of semen] Ew! I mean, awesome!
  • Female Nurse: Excuse me. Doctor, your wife’s on the phone. She said it’s an emergency.
  • Dr. Ed Danzer: [to Ted and John] Excuse me, I’ll be right back. [he leaves]
  • John: [holding out his cup of semen] You want to see it, huh? You want to see your kid?
  • Ted: I can see it from here. Thanks, yeah.
  • John: Take a closer look, it’s your kid. [John walks towards Ted who starts backing away]
  • Ted: No, no, no. Come on! No, no, no.
  • John: Take a closer look.
  • Ted: That’s close enough, Johnny.
  • John: It’s beautiful.
  • Ted: Yeah. I’ll trade you, catch! [Ted picks a up sample semen cup and throws it at John] What the…? Holy shit! [the semen cup falls to the floor spills] Oh, God!
  • John: What the *ck? That’s somebody’s *cking kid!
  • Ted: Well it’s not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it!
  • John: We gotta find something and scoop it up.
  • Ted: There’s containers over there, scoop it up with that.
  • John: All right. [John takes an empty cup and starts to scoop the semen off the floor]
  • Ted: All right, that’s not gonna work. You need two of ’em, you gotta scoop one into the other. [as John goes to get another container he slips on the semen, as he falls he takes down the shelves with the samples and he gets covered in sperm samples]
  • John: Oh, shit! *ck! Oh, *ck!
  • Ted: Oh, my God!
  • John: *ck! Oh, my God! It’s in my eyes! I’m blinking it in! [Ted starts choking in disgust] Oh, my God! It’s in my *cking mouth!
  • Ted: Don’t worry. Hang on! I gotta post this on Facebook. [Ted takes out his phone and takes a photo of John]
  • John: No!
  • Ted: Hashtag, “grrr, Mondays.” [just then the nurse walks into the room]
  • Female Nurse: Oh, my God!
  • John: Look, I’m so sorry!
  • Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We’re so sorry.
  • Female Nurse: Well I guess it’s alright. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
  • Ted: You hear that, Johnny? You’re covered in rejected black guys sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
  • John: *ck. [we see Donny working as a janitor at Hasbro when the CEO walks out of his office with his assistants]
  • Donny: Good morning, Mr. Jessup.
  • Tom Jessup: Good morning.
  • Donny: My name is Donny.
  • Tom Jessup: Hi, Donny.
  • Donny: Hi.
  • Tom Jessup: [to his assistant] Now this is a multi-platform release, so I want a full report…
  • Donny: Fresh cakes. [Jessup turns and looks at Donny in confusion]
  • Tom Jessup: What?
  • Donny: In the urinal, sir. I noticed you always use urinal force so I put fresh cakes in there for you. You’re an important man, you should never have to smell pee. See, most people flip the cakes. I replace the cakes. That’s the Donny difference. [Jessup turns to continue his conversation with his assistant and they walk away] [Ted and Tami-Lynn meet with the fertility doctor]
  • Fertility Doctor: I’m afraid I have bad news. I won’t be able to perform the implantation procedure.
  • Ted: Wait, what?
  • Tami-Lynn: Why not?
  • Fertility Doctor: Tami-Lynn, according to your test results you are no longer fertile.
  • Tami-Lynn: What?
  • Ted: Wait, wait. Doc, doc. Are you sure about that? I mean, maybe you should check again or something, you know?
  • Fertility Doctor: Well, I’m quite sure. Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised. [pointing to the x-ray of an ovarian canal]
  • Ted: What are you talking about? It looks fine.
  • Tami-Lynn: Yeah.
  • Fertility Doctor: Forgive me, that’s a normal ovary. This is Tami-Lynn’s. [he shows them Tami-Lynn’s x-ray which looks totally wrecked]
  • Ted: Jesus!
  • Tami-Lynn: Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot. I mean, you probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right?
  • Fertility Doctor: No. Not once. Not ever. When I saw this, I threw up, almost quite medicine. Bottom line is insemination isn’t possible. [Tami-Lynn starts crying]
  • Ted: I do not know, but it’s gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be okay.
  • Fertility Doctor: It really isn’t. [Ted and Tami-Lynn are at an adoption agency]
  • Adoption Agent: Well, I’ve gone through your application and vetted your personal histories and I’m afraid this isn’t gonna work out.
  • Tami-Lynn: What?
  • Ted: Why not?
  • Adoption Agent: Well, first of all there’s a question of Tami-Lynn’s drug conviction.
  • Tami-Lynn: Hey, I did my community service.
  • Ted: Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She’s clean.
  • Adoption Agent: There’s another issue and honestly it’s the more serious one. I was reluctant to bring it up because…it’s a little awkward. Ted, in the eyes of the state you are not a person.
  • Ted: Wait, what?
  • Adoption Agent: The state official I spoke to said that technically you are classified as property.
  • Ted: I'm not a person?
  • Adoption Agent: Not according to the government. I’m sorry.
  • Tami-Lynn: But that is so *cked up!
  • Ted: Property?
  • Tami-Lynn: You know, Teddy, let’s get out of here. Come on. [Ted and Tami-Lynn start to walk out of the office]
  • Adoption Agent: Look, you seem like good people. Be careful.
  • Ted: What do you mean “be careful”?
  • Adoption Agent: The state official I spoke to made it sound like your status has gone under the radar for some time. Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. If they choose to investigate the issue it may leave you quite vulnerable. [whilst at work Ted is in deep thought when John enters the store]
  • John: Hey, I just got off work and heard your message. Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that?
  • Ted: Yeah, it's unbelievable. Property. They said I'm property.
  • John: Yeah, what does that even mean? Like you're a thing? What like garbage or a piece of shit?
  • Ted: Well, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah.
  • Tami-Lynn: What the hell do they know? It’s just a word. They can’t change your whole life just by calling it property.
  • Joy: Bullshit! Better ask my ancestors. You know, one minute you’re in Africa washing your clothes in your river, titties out, you’re good. Then all of the sudden, you somewhere across the world *cking Thomas Jefferson.
  • Ted: Wow, you make history come alive. [Ted’s boss, Frank, interrupts them]
  • Frank: Ted, can I see you for a moment? [Ted is in Frank’s office]
  • Frank: I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to let you go.
  • Ted: What? Why? I’ve been busting my ass at this job for three years.
  • Frank: I just got a call from the labor department. I can’t legally keep you on as an employee because I’ve been informed that you’re technically…
  • Ted: Technically not a person. Yeah, Jesus Christ!
  • Frank: I’m sorry but as of today you’re fired. [Ted reads the letters he’s holding to Tami-Lynn as they sit up in bed]
  • Ted: “Dear Ted, your Chase bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship.” “Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked.” “Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Chino rewards member.” *ck, that’s a big one.
  • Tami-Lynn: This poor baby booty. It’s always gonna be empty. There’s never gonna be a little foot in here.
  • Ted: I don’t understand. We would’ve made such great parents. [he takes puff from his joint]
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
  • Ted: What, what, what?! What’s wrong?
  • Tami-Lynn: Look at this. [she reads from a letter] “Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state and therefore invalid and hereby annulled.” Teddy, can they do this to us?
  • Ted: Let me see that. [he looks at the letter] This is a nightmare. [Ted meets John in the park and shows him the letter about his marriage to Tami-Lynn] You *cking believe that?
  • John: No. This is insane.
  • Ted: I mean, Tami is the woman I love. You know, I would have never even have tried to adopt a dog If I’d known that it was gonna cause me this kind of shit storm.
  • John: This whole thing is complete bullshit. If you ask me, we gotta fight it.
  • Ted: What do you mean?
  • John: I mean we get a lawyer.
  • Ted: Oh, my God. Can we do that?
  • John: Hell, yeah! You know what we do? We’ll get a lawyer and we’ll sue the *cking government for your civil rights.
  • Ted: Johnny, that’s a great idea. Hey, hey, maybe we can get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers who gets shot in the head and then turns all retarded and nice and goes “What we’re doing is wrong.”
  • John: Yes. You know, we get out there and we stick it to ’em good. We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to.
  • Ted: Yeah. But we don’t know any lawyer, all our friends make sandwiches.
  • John: No, we just google Boston lawyers.
  • Ted: Ah. [John googles it using his phone]
  • John: Jesus, look at that black cock. [Ted and John meet with a lawyer, Karl Jackson]
  • Karl Jackson: This is a very complicated case you have here. Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.
  • John: Well everybody says you’re the best in town.
  • Karl Jackson: Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. What is your financial situation?
  • Ted: Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the rail roads.
  • John: Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O. Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
  • Ted: We’re working on short line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
  • John: Yeah, and I have four houses on Baltic Ave. I’m thinking about just tearin’ them down and building a hotel.
  • Ted: I won second prize at a beauty contest, that’s fifty dollars right there.
  • Karl Jackson: Are you guys just saying monopoly stuff?
  • Ted: Hey, I tell you what, I’m gonna drive around the block and I’ll be back with two hundred dollars. [Ted and John meet with a lawyer, Karl Jackson]
  • Karl Jackson: This is a very complicated case you have here. Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.
  • John: Well everybody says you’re the best in town.
  • Karl Jackson: Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. What is your financial situation?
  • Ted: Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the rail roads.
  • John: Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O. Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
  • Ted: We’re working on short line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
  • John: Yeah, and I have four houses on Baltic Ave. I’m thinking about just tearin’ them down and building a hotel.
  • Ted: I won second prize at a beauty contest, that’s fifty dollars right there.
  • Karl Jackson: Are you guys just saying monopoly stuff?
  • Ted: Hey, I tell you what, I’m gonna drive around the block and I’ll be back with two hundred dollars.
  • Karl Jackson: I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. My niece recently passed her bar exam, and I’ve hired her on as junior associate here with the firm. I can assign her to your case pro-bono. Well then you would get a hungry young attorney and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. So what do you say to that?
  • Ted: Yeah, sure, it sounds great.
  • John: Um, are those hard candies like just to take?
  • Karl Jackson: Uh, those aren’t supposed to be out. [he puts the candies in his drawer] [Ted and John enter Jackson’s niece office]
  • Ted: Hello?
  • Samantha: Oh! *ck! [Sam, who’s under her desk, bangs her head on the desk before getting up] Hi.
  • John: Are you okay?
  • Samantha: Yeah, I’m fine. You must be Ted.
  • Ted: Yeah, uh, I’m Ted, this is my buddy John.
  • John: Hi.
  • Samantha: My uncle says that you guys are my first clients.
  • Ted: Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
  • Samantha: I am twenty-six.
  • Ted: Ah.
  • Samantha: What, is there a problem?
  • Ted: Well, you know, I just don’t want my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening arguments
  • John: You know, it’s just a really important case. I mean Ted has already lost his job and his marriage has been annulled.
  • Samantha: I know, my uncle gave me all the details.
  • Ted: Right, you see, the thing is we don’t want to take any chances because the stakes are so significant.
  • John: We can’t just rush into anything. We gotta make sure we do the right decision.
  • Ted: Yeah, we really appreciate your time, but I think what we’re probably gonna do is just… [Sam stars smoking pot in front of them] …take a seat and get to work.
  • John: We trust you completely.
  • Ted: Yeah, we really feel you got a lot to offer.
  • Samantha: Sorry. You don’t mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
  • John: Oh, absolutely. Me too.
  • Ted: Yeah. I’m gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about twenty minutes.
  • Samantha: Oh, I’m Samantha Jackson. [she shakes hands with Ted] Ted, how are you? [Sam then shakes John’s hand]
  • John: Good to meet you. John.
  • Ted: Wait, wait, wait. What’s your middle name?
  • Samantha: Leslie.
  • Ted: Oh, my God! So you’re Sam L. Jackson!
  • John: That’s fucking great, just like Samuel L. Jackson!
  • Samantha: Who is that?
  • Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy. [Ted and John start smoking some pot called “help me get home” with Sam in her office] You know, I’m surprised that a lawyer like you gets high. I mean, aren’t you supposed to be fighting the war on drugs and all that shit?
  • Samantha: Please, the war on drugs is a joke. It’s just a way for the government to inflate law enforcement budgets and lock up minorities for no good legal reason. And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority.
  • Ted: Yeah, no shit.
  • Samantha: They denied you the same rights as everybody else just because you’re different. And I say that’s a violation of the constitution.
  • Ted: Well, so what do you say? Can you get me my life back?
  • Samantha: I'm gonna try.
  • John: Hey, guys, I’m having some troubles over here.
  • Ted: What’s the matter?
  • John: Can you help me get home? [Sam and Ted help John walk to his apartment] I’m having a real hard time!
  • Ted: John, it’s okay, buddy. It’s okay, you’re doing fine. You’re doing great.
  • John: No, I’m scared!
  • Samantha: I know, I know. Come on. It’s okay, though. You just have to hang on to the wall. [a car beeps scaring John]
  • John: Don’t let them get me!
  • Samantha: How far away does he live?
  • Ted: Uh, about a mile and a half.
  • Samantha: Oh, *ck. Okay. Okay. It’s okay. [getting research from the library] Alright, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson and Brown v. The Board of Education.
  • John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs Predator, and Freddy vs Jason.
  • Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail and The importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
  • Samantha: Okay, I’m gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
  • Ted: Yep, bring it on.
  • Samantha: You’re on the stand, the D.A. says: “Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?”
  • Ted: Objection.
  • John: Sustained.
  • Samantha: No, the witness can’t object.
  • John: Overruled.
  • Ted: Sidebar.
  • John: Guilty.
  • Ted: Speculation.
  • John: Hearsay.
  • Ted: Bailiff.
  • John: Briefcase.
  • Ted: Disregard.
  • John: In my chambers.
  • Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
  • John: I rest.
  • Ted: We can totally be lawyers. [John, Ted and Sam are watching Roots on TV] That’s just like me. That’s exactly what I’m going through.
  • John: Well, it’s a little different.
  • Samantha: You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you’re gonna need a name last name.
  • Ted: Oh, yeah, you’re right. Okay, okay, I got one.
  • Samantha: Okay, what is it?
  • Ted: Last name of a movie character. [Both Ted and John agree] He knows where this is going. Are you ready?
  • John: Yep.
  • Ted: Go!
  • John: [Lists the last names in fast speed] Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy…
  • Ted: Clubber Lang!
  • John: *CKING…
  • Ted: Hahaha!
  • Samantha: Who is Clubber Lang?
  • Ted: Who is Clubber Lang?
  • John: Mr. T’s character on Rocky III. Hello?
  • Samantha: So that’s a boxing movie?
  • Ted: The boxing movie? Have you never seen Rocky?
  • John: She’s not serious.
  • Ted: You’ve never seen Rocky? Come on. You know… [starts singing the "Gonna Fly Now"] You know, Rocky!
  • Samantha: I’m not gonna remember a movie I’ve never seen just because you’re singing a song I don’t know.
  • John: You do not know Samuel L. Jackson. You don’t know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.
  • Samantha: I have a college degree, my pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. Ever heard of any of them?
  • Ted: No, but I’m pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass.
  • John: Yeah. Sam, you really need to be educated.
  • Samantha: Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
  • John: Judy Bloom?
  • Ted: Hitler?
  • Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
  • Ted: Who’s that?
  • Samantha: The author.
  • John: Well, why are you saying *ck him?
  • Samantha: What?
  • Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. What did Scott Fitzgerald ever do to you?
  • Samantha: No, that’s his first name.
  • Ted: His name’s *ck Scott Fitzgerald?
  • Samantha: What? No!
  • John: Well then what’s the F stand for?
  • Samantha: Francis!
  • Ted: No, it's gotta be *ck.
  • John: It must be *ck.
  • Ted: It's gotta be *ck, yeah.
  • John: It has to be *ck.
  • Samantha: Why the hell would it be *ck?
  • John: Well because otherwise why wouldn’t he just say it?
  • Ted: Yeah, he’s hiding something. It’s *ck.
  • John: Come on, read between the lines.
  • Ted: It’s *ck. It’s *ck.
  • Samantha: It’s completely insane. You guys are idiots.
  • Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it. [back at Hasbro, Donny meets with Jessup due to his open door policy that any employee can come up with new toy ideas]
  • Donny: Mr. Jessup I can make this company a billion dollars.
  • Tom Jessup: I’m listening.
  • Donny: Thirty years ago, a little boy named John Bennett made a wish that his teddy bear would come to life. Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears...
  • Tom Jessup: Yes, I'm aware of the story. [Donny shows Jessup the newspaper which has headline “Talking Teddy Bear Sues for Personhood”]
  • Donny: Have you seen this?
  • Tom Jessup: So what?
  • Donny: Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. If he loses, the state will officially declare him a non-entity with no rights under the law. That means he becomes property. Mr. Jessup, we could take him back with only a trivial degree of legal consequences, if we were even caught.
  • Tom Jessup: And why would we do this?
  • Donny: Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. Hasbro will double its profits over night. We just have to make sure that Ted loses the case. You use every back channel, every bribe, you call in every favor and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense. When Ted's rights are officially nulled, we grab him. No one's gonna kick up a legal fuss over property.
  • Tom Jessup: You are hell of a lot smarter than your urinal case, Danny.
  • Donny: Really?
  • Tom Jessup: Now what exactly do you want from this?
  • Donny: Mr. Jessup, I’m not interested in money. I just want a Ted for my very own.
  • Tom Jessup: All right. I think I can handle the defense, but let’s make one thing clear. We never had this conversation. Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. Do you understand?
  • Donny: Yes, I do.
  • Tom Jessup: I need Shep Wild. [Sam and John are having dinner with Ted and Tami-Lynn]
  • Samantha: Oh, that was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn. I've never had Pringles on my steak before.
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, it's my pleasure. I mean, it's the least I can do with all you're doin' for us, really.
  • Samantha: Well I haven't done anything yet.
  • Ted: Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner, but, uh, all we got is Tami's income these days since nobody'll hire me.
  • Samantha: Things are getting really tight, huh?
  • Ted: Yeah, I've had to do things I'm not proud of. [we see Ted standing on the sidewalk dressed like a hooker shouting to get customers] BJ's here! Get your BJ's! Get your red hot BJ's. Toothless and ready to go! Just three dollar! Three dollar! Get your BJ's here! Hey, listen, I got an idea. Uh, Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, huh? [Tami-Lynn laughs and gets up to take the dishes with Ted]
  • Tami-Lynn: All right, all right. Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch.
  • Samantha: [to John] What do you think that was about?
  • John: Oh, it’s nothing. That's his way of saying that I should ask you out.
  • Samantha: Ah.
  • John: Yeah, look…
  • Samantha: We should probably focus our attention on the case right now.
  • John: I completely agree.
  • Samantha: You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy like you is not attached?
  • John: Well, I was married, at one point. It just didn't work out.
  • Samantha: Shit, I'm sorry. That sucks.
  • John: No. I mean we made it work day by day, but you know she was just always trying to change me into something I’m not. And I tried, you know. I mean, I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. One day I woke up and I just realized I wasn’t myself any more. You know, as much as I loved this person, we were completely wrong for each other.
  • Samantha: At least you figured it out early. Some people go through their whole lives trying to make it work with the wrong person.
  • John: Yeah. So are we gonna win this thing?
  • Samantha: Honestly, I don’t know.
  • John: Well we’re betting on you.
  • Ted: Hey, Johnny, come on. It’s almost seven o’clock, we gotta get up there. Hey, Sam, you want in on this?
  • Samantha: What is it?
  • John: Oh, Tuesday nights we get *cked up and throw apples at joggers. [at the court room as they are waiting for the case to begin]
  • Tami-Lynn: Teddy? Teddy, I’m scared.
  • Ted: Baby, we’re gonna be fine. Alright? I don’t care what any *cking piece of paper says, you are my wife.
  • Tami-Lynn: I love you so much. And I swear to God if we lose I’m gonna *cking cut that judge.
  • Ted: Wait a minute, you brought your switch-blade?
  • Tami-Lynn: Yeah.
  • Ted: But they padded us down on the way in here. Where did you even hide it? [suddenly realizes] Oh…
  • John: Hey Sam. Who’s that butt hole over there?
  • Samantha: That is why we’ve been working so hard. That’s Shep Wild. It’s our bad luck they put him on the trial. He’s never lost a case in his life.
  • Judge: Mr. Wild, your opening statement if you please.
  • Shep Wild: Thank you, your honor. I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury for taking time out of their busy schedules to be a part of these proceedings. Now, the case we'll examining today is really quite a simple one. Is Ted a human being or a piece of property? You know? It really is a very special, very unique thing to be human. It's a gift from God bestowed upon only one species: Us. But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, where does that lead us? Does your dog deserve human rights? Your cat? Your toaster? [the jury and the crowd in the room laugh] Suddenly being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it? I'm confident you'll make the right decision.
  • Judge: Thank you Mr. Wild, for your opening statement. [Sam walks over to face the jury for her opening argument]
  • Samantha: Hi. I’m Samantha Jackson. I gotta be honest with you. I’m…I’m a little nervous Why am I nervous? Um, well not because I’m a junior attorney arguing her first case. And not because some of you might laugh at the fact that I’m representing a teddy bear. [everyone laughs] No, I’m nervous because of one simple word. Justice. I’m nervous that you’re going to be swayed by smooth talk and a haircut and forget about the most important aspect to this case. Justice. A hundred and fifty years ago a slave by the name Dred Scott sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property. He lost. And as history has shown us, that wasn’t justice. In every civil rights conflict we are only able to recognize the just point of view years after the facts. And when the next conflict comes along, we’re once again blind to it as it’s happening. Well, this is different you say, but it isn’t. It is the same beast just wearing a different face, and it’s happening again today. So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, not to be a foot note on the wrong side of history. Don’t wait too long to be right. Thank You. [Ted turns to John]
  • Ted: Erection.
  • John: Sustained.
  • Shep Wild: And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage? Is it a freak of genetics?
  • Tami-Lynn: No, asshole. He ain't got a dick cause he's a *ckin' toy. What's your excuse?
  • Ted: Oh, take a burn!
  • John: Yeah, how does your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter.
  • Ted: Yeah! What?
  • Judge: Order!
  • Samantha: Mr. Bennett, how would you categorize your relationship with Ted?
  • John: Well he's my best friend.
  • Samantha: So you don't see him as your property?
  • John: He's not my property, he's a person. He's way more person than a lot of other people. I mean, *cking Steven Tyler? What the *ck is that? Some kind of weird soccer mom looking goonie monster?
  • Shep Wild: Your honor!
  • Judge: I’ll allow it.
  • Samantha: Thank you, Your Honor. [to Shep] Your witness.
  • Shep Wild: Mr. Bennett? When and where did you first encounter Ted?
  • John: Well what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid.
  • Shep Wild: Aha, they got him. Where did they get him?
  • John: Child World Toy Store.
  • Shep Wild: I’m sorry, I couldn’t here that. Could you repeat that, please?
  • John: Child World Toy Store. You *cking heard me.
  • Shep Wild: There’s no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett.
  • John: Why? Nobody here likes you? I saw you eating lunch alone. You’re a loser!
  • Shep Wild: Your honor.
  • Judge: Mr. Bennett!
  • John: I hope that your kids get bird flu.
  • Judge: Mr. Bennett!
  • John: I'm sorry.
  • Shep Wild: Now, you said your parents purchased Ted. As one might purchase a baseball glove or a big wheel
  • John: It's not like that!
  • Ted: Objection!
  • Judge: You can't do that.
  • Ted: You know what? This is bullshit! All right? This court is trying to telling me that I’m not as good as other people. And this is exactly what you’ve been doing to the fags…
  • Samantha: Ted!
  • Ted: Sorry, sorry. The homos. The homos. This is exactly what you've been doin' to the homos and I say that is wrong!
  • Judge: Miss Jackson, please control your client or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court.
  • Ted: No, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
  • Samantha: Ted, shut up!
  • Ted: Fine. [Ted sits, takes out his phone and starts playing a game]
  • Samantha: Your honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubberlang to the stand.
  • Ted: Yes! My turn, assholes. [Ted runs to take his seat at the stand]
  • Samantha: Ted, do you love your wife?
  • Shep Wild: Objection! She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
  • Samantha: I rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
  • Ted: I love my wife. Okay? My wife! More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.
  • Samantha: So you're saying you are capable of feeling love?
  • Ted: Yeah. Hey, it must be weird for you guys having a doll up here on the stand with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him. [he chuckles] Yeah. No, yeah. I am capable. I love a lot of stuff, yeah.
  • Samantha: Ted, do you believe you have a soul? [Ted starts to sing]
  • Ted: “What did you think I would do at this moment, when you’re standing before me with tears in your eyes.” Does that answer your question?
  • Shep Wild: Objection! Your Honor.
  • Judge: Overruled.
  • Ted: Aha! What it is, man! [the judge and Ted high five each other] Dynomite. Look, I’m not a scientist. Okay? I don’t know exactly what makes a person a person. All I know is I feel stuff, just like all you guys, and I don’t think I ought to be treated any different. [Sam turns to the jury]
  • Samantha: Capable of love. Aware of his own consciousness. It seems pretty human to me. No further questions.
  • Shep Wild: Mr. Kidder, you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998, is that correct?
  • Todd Kidder: Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears.
  • Shep Wild: And what is that stuffing made of?
  • Todd Kidder: Synthetic cotton, poly blend.
  • Shep Wild: Is there anything else in there?
  • Todd Kidder: The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest, which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases. [Shep turns to Ted] Ted, would you please press your chest?
  • Ted: What?
  • Judge: Please follow the instructions, Mr. Clubberlang. [Ted presses his chest and the recorded “I love you!” phrase is played, which causes a murmur of shock from the crowd and jury]
  • Shep Wild: No further questions. [we see TV news of Ted’s case]
  • Boston Newscaster: Also in the news, a pending court case is beginning to get national attention for its civil rights ramification. Ted the bear, who some of you may remember came to life back in the mid-eighties right here in Boston, is suing to prove he is indeed a person.[CNN news coverage with pundits discussing Ted’s case]
  • Pundit #1: Okay, so what are we even talking about here?
  • Pundit #2: What we’re talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights.
  • Pundit #3: He does not!
  • Pundit #4: Oh, come on!
  • Pundit #3: He’s a toy!
  • Pundit #1: Then why are you calling it a he?
  • Pundit #4: Look, we call it the Statue of Liberty a she, but we all know it’s an object made of copper and steel.
  • Pundit #3: Good point.
  • Pundit #2: Yes, but. but she isn't conscious or sentient, he is.
  • Pundit #1: Mm-hmm. [Fox news coverage with their pundits discussing Ted’s case] Now, come on! Are you any of you going to sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person?
  • Pundit #2: No.
  • Pundit #3: Not at all.
  • Pundit #4: We all agree, all the time.
  • Jimmy Fallon: So, the big story out of Boston is that Ted, the bear, is suing to prove that he's a person. Legal experts are closely watching this case. They said if Ted wins, Donald Trump's hair would look to quickly file a similar lawsuit. [Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue on Ted’s case]
  • Jimmy Kimmel: I don’t think he should want to be considered a person. I mean, after all, you know Ted spent many years sleeping and cuddling with a child. That’s cute when you’re a stuffed animal, when you’re a person that’s a felony. [the audience laughs]
  • Bill Maher: This sounds like a silly case, but this is actually a really big case. The last time someone named Ted made this much news in Massachusetts, he drove a chick into a lake. [SNL skit on Ted’s case with Killam pretending to be Shep Wild, Kate McKinnon as Sam, and Moynihan dressed in a giant teddy bear suit]
  • Taran Killam: Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense?
  • Bobby Moynihan: I am not an animal!
  • Kate McKinnon: You see, Your Honor, he’s not an animal. [Moynihan sniffs the air then attacks McKinnon]
  • Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry, Your Honor, I’m on my period.
  • Taran, Bobby, Kate: And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night”! [back in court as they wait for the jury to make their decision]
  • Tami-Lynn: What is taking them so long?
  • John: Well is it bad that they’re taking this long?
  • Samantha: It’s not good nor bad, it just…it just means they’re probably having a debate.
  • Ted: You know, John, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
  • John: What do you mean?
  • Ted: I mean, saying his name three times…
  • John: What?
  • Ted: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…
  • John: Shut up. Are you *cking crazy? We don’t want that guy running around in here.
  • Ted: No, Johnny, he’ll be on our side. He’ll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…
  • John: You are meddling with powers you don’t understand. Cut the shit! [the judge and jury enter the court]
  • Judge: Please be seating. Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict? Uh, yes, we have, Your Honor. In the case of Ted vs The Common Wealth of Massachusetts, we the jury find for The Common Wealth in that Ted is not a person. [Ted, Sam, John and Tami-Lynn all look shocked and upset] Very well. The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. The definition entails the rights there of and will be recognized in the terms set by the state of Massachusetts. The court wishes to thank the jury for its service. [back at Hasbro Donny shows Jessup the latest news headline “Ted Declared Property”]
  • Tom Jessup: Are you sure you can get him? Remember, you’re on your own out there. Hasbro can have no connection to this.
  • Donny: Oh, I’ll get him. And when I have him I’m gonna call you with the code phrase. Do you remember what it is?
  • Tom Jessup: Yes, I remember.
  • Donny: Well can you say it, just for safety?
  • Tom Jessup: That’s not necessary…
  • Donny: Say it.
  • Tom Jessup: I don’t want to say it.
  • Donny: Say it.
  • Tom Jessup: I don’t have to say it.
  • Donny: Say it. Say it.
  • Tom Jessup: Fresh cakes.
  • Donny: Fresh cakes. [back at John’s apartment]
  • Tami-Lynn: You know this isn’t *cking fair. Teddy’s a good man. Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?
  • Ted: It’s what this country does best. Putting different people in little groups and makin’ ’em watch Tyler Perry. It’s wrong! I’m so sorry, baby.
  • Samantha: No, I’m sorry. I…I thought I’d built a better case. It’s just that the reality is you have a really shitty lawyer.
  • John: Hey, come on. Alright? Nobody’s blaming you for this, you did everything you could.
  • Ted: I just, I’m sitting here and I can’t believe it’s official.
  • John: Right, so what are we gonna do now? I mean, we can’t take this lying down. We gotta do something.
  • Samantha: You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna call Patrick Meighan.
  • Ted: Who’s that?
  • Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
  • John: Wait, is he the one who got that female midget into the marines?
  • Samantha: Yeah.
  • Ted: Yeah, that had a sad ending though. You remember she was in a veteran state parade and somebody handed her a bunch of bunch of balloons and pffft, gone. It’s very sad. Very sad for the family.
  • Samantha: You know what? If anyone can get this verdict overturned it’s him. He’s not cheap, but we’ve become such a high profile case I feel like he might take it pro bono. He’s a sucker for media. Hi, I’m calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson, I defended Ted Clubberlang in Ted vs Massachusetts. [as Sam is making her call we see in the background Ted and John fighting over the one beer that John had in his fridge] Hi, Mr. Meighan, thank you so much for taking my call. Oh, you’ve been following the case? That’s great. Yeah, that’s actually why I’m calling. Yeah, I was wondering if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict. [John and Ted continue to fight over the beer, beating each other up] Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation because we’re really not working with much money, but I think you’ll be impressed with my client. [Ted hides and shakes the beer bottle, he gives the bottle to John and when John opens it the beer goes everywhere]
  • Ted: Aha, mother *cker!
  • Samantha: Sure. Yeah, great. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, I’ll see you then. Bye. [referring to Meighan] Oh, my God! He said he’ll meet with us on Friday at 9 a.m. at his office in New York.
  • John: Is he gonna take the case?
  • Samantha: I don’t want to jinx it, but I think so.
  • Ted: Oh, my God! Did you hear that, Johnny? I still got a shot!
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God! We gotta celebrate!
  • John: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
  • Ted: Let’s go down to the improv and yell out suggestions?
  • John: *ck, yeah! [at the improv club]
  • Comic: So first we need a historical event. Who’s got an event?
  • Ted: 9/11!
  • Comic: Oh, okay. Okay. Maybe something else. Ah, let’s start with a person.
  • John: Robin Williams!
  • Comic: Okay. All right, for real guys. For real. Who’s got a person?
  • Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
  • Comic: All right, we've heard from these guys. Let's give somebody else over here a chance. Um, how about a location? Let's go with a location.
  • Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
  • Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location.
  • John: Ferguson, Missouri!
  • Ted: German Wings cockpit!
  • Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
  • Ted: No, you didn't.
  • John: Nobody said Starbucks!
  • Comic: All right, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
  • Ted: Bill Cosby!
  • Comic: You people are monsters.
  • John: We're giving you the tools, buddy. Come on, make some *ckin’ comedy. [Ted, John and Sam get ready to leave for New York]
  • Ted: Alright, we'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
  • Tami-Lynn: I love you so much, Teddy. You go kick some ass because I am not taking of this wedding ring.
  • Ted: I love you too, baby. I'll see you soon. [Tami-Lynn kneels down and kisses Ted] [as Sam drives them to New York] Hey, Sam why do you have a double bag that says Arizona State?
  • Samantha: Cause that’s where I went to school.
  • John: You went to Arizona State?
  • Samantha: Yeah. Why?
  • Ted: Oh, man. That’s why we lost the case.
  • John: Hello!
  • Samantha: You’re dicks.
  • Ted: Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been *cked on a house boat? [John and Sam laugh]
  • Samantha: Oh, come on!
  • John: Did you write your dissertation on the collective work of, uh, Red Bull?
  • Samantha: Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it.
  • Ted: So you say Arizona State University or do you just say HPVU? [the trio have stopped off for a break at a diner]
  • Samantha: This is perfect. We’re gonna get to the city before ten.
  • Ted: Hey, Sam, how’s your boring salad?
  • Samantha: Oh, it’s actually delicious.
  • John: Everybody always say that about their salads, they’re all a bunch of *cking liars.
  • Samantha: No, I love it. It’s really good.
  • John: Have some cookie crisps, you need something nutritional.
  • Samantha: Why do you think I want your cookie crisp?
  • John: Because you’ve been staring at it and you want it.
  • Samantha: No!
  • Ted: Hey, what’s the deal here? Are you guys ever gonna make out or what?
  • John: Teddy, come on, dude!
  • Ted: What? I’m just…I’m just sayin’. You look like you’re hitting it off, you know? I mean, Sam, Sam, you dig him, right? [Sam just smiles] [they hear a customer sat at the diner counter with his back to them and his ass crack showing yell at the waitress]
  • Blind Guy: Hey, where the hell is my coffee? I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!
  • Diner Waitress: I’m so sorry, sir, I forget. I’ll get it right away.
  • Blind Guy: Jesus, you’re a waitress, you’re not building rockets, figure it out!
  • John: What a prick. Hey, twenty bucks I can toss a cookie crisp into his ass crack.
  • Samantha: Wait, let me try. I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State.
  • Ted: Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?
  • Samantha: Shut up. [Sam tosses the cookie and it lands straight into the customer’s butt crack] Oh! [after Sam tosses a cookie into the customer’s butt crack]
  • Blind Guy: Who did that? [the customer turns and they see he is blind]
  • Ted: Oh, Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me.
  • John: [to Sam] Now we're assholes. Look what you did.
  • Blind Guy: I swear to God I’ll kick your Goddamn ass! Who was it?
  • Ted: Um, sir, I apologize for my five year old son.
  • John: [John starts speaking a child’s voice] I’m sorry. Sorry, sir. Cookie crisp in your bum bumsies, I’m sorry.
  • Blind Guy: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it’s okay.
  • Samantha: Oh, my God. Now we’re even bigger assholes.
  • John: Go get my cookie crisp out of his ass. [the waitress comes over to their table]
  • Waitress: You guys making trouble over here?
  • John: Uh, no ma’am. We’re just minding our business.
  • Waitress: [to Sam] Well just try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?
  • Samantha: Oh, he’s not my boyfriend.
  • Waitress: Oh, good.
  • John: Uh, we’ll just get the check, thanks.
  • Waitress: Of course. [she smiles at John and leaves]
  • Ted: [referring to the waitress] Oh, my God. John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the “*ck me” eyes.
  • John: No, she wasn’t.
  • Ted: She was giving you the “*ck me” eyes.
  • Samantha: What are the “*ck me” eyes?
  • Ted: It’s…some women just have “*ck me” eyes.
  • Samantha: Do I have “*ck me” eyes?
  • Ted: No, you have the “Give us the ring, my precious” eyes.
  • John: Well, we’d better get going. We got two hours of driving left and I’m kind of beat.
  • Samantha: Yeah, we gotta be well rested for tomorrow.
  • Ted: All right, I'll drive. You can take a nap.
  • Samantha: You don't have a license.
  • Ted: Well who cares? Johnny lets me drive every once in a while when he's hammered. I'm a *cking pro. Besides, you know, I've been... I've been kicked around a lot this week. I just, I want to feel useful, you know?
  • Samantha: Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
  • Ted: Yay! [Ted drives the car as John and Sam sleep, as he drives, he drops his cigarette on himself, loses control of the car, and ends up going through a deserted barn in the woods]
  • John: What the *ck?
  • Ted: Well, Sam, it's been twenty minutes. You wanna take over? [Sam and Ted are sat outside the barn] Hey, listen, Sam. I'm real sorry. That barn just came out of nowhere.
  • Samantha: No, no, it's my fault. I, I, uh…I should never have let you drive.
  • Ted: Yeah, well, you were wrong. You were wrong to do that.
  • Samantha: Yeah.
  • Ted: Um, you know, that and the trial are the only two things you *cked up, so, uh…
  • John: Yeah, I can’t see shit in there. We’ll have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out.
  • Samantha: Uh, wait, are we gonna spend the night here?
  • John: Yeah, it'll be fine. We just gotta find some firewood. [as John and Ted are picking up firewood, John finds a marijuana leaf on the ground] What the hell? Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze. It's a really rare strand, it's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of this stuff doing out in the middle of a…? [Ted turns John's head and they look in shock upon a whole field of Super Lemon Haze] Dear God. Dear God in heaven.
  • Ted: It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful.
  • Samantha: No words. No words. I should have studied poems.
  • Ted: They move it in herds. The do move in herds. [later they are all sat by a fire as Sam lights up her bong, which is in the shape of a penis, filled with the Super Lemon Haze]
  • John: Please tell me that’s not the only bong you brought on this trip.
  • Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we want to get high too.
  • John: I don’t have any paper.
  • Samantha: [pointing to her bong] Is this hilarious? I got it at baccalaureate party. It’s so stupid. [offering it to John] Here, try it.
  • John: Uh, no.
  • Samantha: Why?
  • John: I don’t want to put a big class cock in my mouth.
  • Samantha: Oh, you think this is big? [Ted laughs]
  • Ted: Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
  • Samantha: This is all I brought.
  • Ted: Okay, how about this? I’m gonna go check out the barn and I’m gonna see if I can find like a soda can or something for us to make an actual bong.
  • John: Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong.
  • Ted: Yeah. Hey, you know that’s the name of the South Korean president, right? [Ted laughs but John and Sam just stare at him] She gets it. You get it. Right? [he chuckles to himself] What? Okay, I’ll be right back. [Ted turns and walks off]
  • Samantha: Sorry.
  • John: No, I… This is nice. You know? I mean, I always wanted my ex-wife to get stoned with me, but she never would, so.
  • Samantha: Really? Wow. That’s the cornerstone of any great marriage.
  • John: I agree. [they both laugh] So you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us?
  • Samantha: I mean, honestly I don’t know. Um, but we’re going to the right place.
  • John: Listen, I just really want to thank you for all you’ve done, all you’re doing for us. I know it’s not making you rich.
  • Samantha: Please, there are more important things in life than money. Look, I don’t know what kind of mojo was in that wish you made when you were a child, but this bear is alive. And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, how soon before it devalues another? Who gets subjugated after the bear?
  • John: You’re really smart, you know that? How come you do not have a guy?
  • Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I’m supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife beater under his Burns jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope!
  • John: Yeah, that’s so dumb. [John pulls up his socks quickly to hide the tattoo on his calf] [Ted returns from the barn]
  • Ted: Well, I couldn’t find any cans but I gotta tell you there’s some awesome shit in that barn. Take a look at this, I found a cowboy hat, and a rifle and a guitar.
  • John: Hey, be careful with that, huh?
  • Ted: No, no, it’s okay. It’s not loaded. [Ted shoots the rifle it goes off blasting Ted off] And my *cking nose came off.
  • John: I wonder who all this belongs to. I mean, maybe we should find someplace else.
  • Samantha: We’re in the middle of nowhere. I mean, if we get out of here by dawn we should be fine, right? [Sam starts playing the guitar Ted brought from the barn]
  • John: You play the guitar?
  • Samantha: A little bit. I learned when I was a kid. [Sam starts singing a song to the as she plays the guitar] [the next morning after Sam and John have managed to get the car down from the barn]
  • Ted: So listen, I gotta ask. Was it just kissing last night or was there finger stuff? [the guitar is thrown at Ted knocking off him from the hay he was sitting on] [as they continue on their journey to New York with Sam driving] We got a lot of pot in this car, I wish we could smoke it.
  • John: Well, we're gonna smoke it, all right? But just put it under the seat for now, we don't wanna go to jail.
  • Ted: Yeah, that’s a good idea. [Ted notices Sam's penis shaped bong on top of the weed, he decides to smoke some pot using the bong, John notices and takes a photo of Ted]
  • Ted: Oh, what the *ck? What are you doing?!
  • John: Hashtag, “My amazing summer.”
  • Ted: Goddamn it! What the hell's wrong with you?
  • John: Oh, I *cking owe you, you bastard.
  • Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
  • John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
  • Ted: Oh, *ck you! [The car arrived to New York]
  • Samantha: I love New York.
  • John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
  • Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York. [leans out from the car window] Hello, Jews! [The group says hello back] [as they are heading into Comic-Con they almost hit three people dressed as Darth Vader, a Stormtrooper and a Jedi as they are about to cross the road]
  • Obi-Wan: Woh, woh, woh!
  • John: Jesus!
  • Samantha: Watch where you’re going!
  • Stormtrooper: It’s a crossroad, jackass! We have right of way!
  • Obi-Wan: Yeah.
  • John: Woh! Hey, what the hell you do walking around dressed like Star Wars?
  • Obi-Wan: It’s Comic Con, you idiot! We’re going down to the Javits Center.
  • John: Well you’re the idiots, cause you three guys would never be walkin’ together!
  • Ted: Yeah, you’re his boss and you two guys are enemies!
  • Samantha: Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
  • John: Hey, hey!
  • Ted: Woh, woh. No, no, no.
  • John: Come on, that’s Star Trek.
  • Ted: Yeah, that’s two different franchises.
  • John: [referring to Sam] Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn’t know.
  • Stormtrooper: Nah, it’s okay. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
  • Obi-Wan: Alright, let’s go. [as the Stormtrooper and Obi-Wan turn to leave Darth Vader extends his hand towards Sam, John and Ted and tries to use his powers] Hey, come on. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. [the other two drag Darth Vader away] [the trio are sat waiting to meet Patrick Meighan in his office]
  • John: This Patrick Meighan’s got a classy set up, huh?
  • Ted: Mm. [John extends his leg to place it on the glass table in front of them and it suddenly completely shatters to pieces] And there is our first impression.
  • Meighan’s Assistant: Miss Jackson, Mr. Meighan will see you now.
  • Samantha: Oh, okay. Thank you. [the trio enter Meighan’s office]
  • Patrick Meighan: Ah, Miss Jackson, do come in.
  • Samantha: Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor. [they shake hands] Thank you so much for meeting with us.
  • Patrick Meighan: Not at all, it’s my pleasure. Please, sit down.
  • John: This office is *cking awesome.
  • Ted: Yeah, totally. Hey, hey, do you ever bring chicks up here?
  • Patrick Meighan: What do you think?
  • Ted: I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice.
  • Patrick Meighan: I’ll get right down to it, I don’t want to waste to much of your time. Ted, I’ve been reviewing your file and while I’m sympathetic to your cause, I’m sorry to say I won’t be taking your case.
  • John: What?
  • Samantha: Why?
  • Ted: What? Why?
  • Patrick Meighan: Well, it comes down to this. You want to be human in the eyes of the law. That’s a hard sell, even for me. You see, the important thing about being human is making a contribution to society, assisting in the betterment of your race. You’ve done none of that. I’ve read about your life, the drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests.
  • Samantha: Mr. Meighan, we’ve come a long way to meet you because you said that you could help us.
  • Patrick Meighan: I said I would consider it, and I have. Ted, you’re special. You could’ve been an inspiration to the world, could’ve been a leader, a role model. Instead you’re…Justin Bieber.
  • Ted: *ck you!
  • John: Hey Ted!
  • Ted: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please forgive me.
  • Samantha: He doesn't... he doesn't mean that.
  • Ted: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
  • Patrick Meighan: There’s just no indication that you’ve had any positive effect on the world around you.
  • John: Well that’s not true, he had a positive effect on me.
  • Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect be your joint arrest for purchasing marijuana in 2003?
  • John: Well how the *ck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
  • Patrick Meighan: You know why you lost this case? It can’t be argued by reason. The precedent it set would affect the public directly. And unfortunately the public doesn’t judge by reason, it judges by emotion. And you can’t appeal an emotional conviction. Nonetheless I wish you all the best in your efforts.
  • Samantha: He needs help, and from what I know about you, at one point in your career that would have been enough. I’m sorry you’re not who I’d hope you’d be. [Sam rises, turns and walks out of the office]
  • John: Are those Tootsie Roll’s like to take?
  • Patrick Meighan: Those aren’t supposed to be out. [Meighan puts the dish full of candies into his desk drawer] [the trio seat in dejection on some footsteps outside Meighan’s office building]
  • Ted: So that it, I’m property. No rights, no nothing.
  • John: Ted, dude, I’m so sorry, man. I mean this completely sucks.
  • Samantha: I feel terrible, I let you guys down all over again.
  • John: Hey, you didn’t let us down, Sam, you did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, I mean you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. [Sam smiles at him and they kiss]
  • Ted: Oh. oh, that’s great. That’s *cking great! I’m glad you guys are so happy.
  • John: What?
  • Ted: What do you mean what? I’m totally screwed here and you’re sitting there basically banging my lawyer and she’s probably still *cking billing us!
  • John: Well don’t yell at us, dude. We didn’t do anything!
  • Ted: Yeah, exactly, exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other Sam could’ve won this thing and I wouldn’t be a *cking thing. Like garbage or a piece of shit.
  • John: Hey, we’ve been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you’re the one who’s been pushing me to get back up on the horse. I finally meet someone and you’re giving me shit for it?
  • Ted: Oh, no, no, you’re right. No, Johnny, it’s fine. You’re right. It’s fine, it’s totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life, but you have fun porkin’ Gollum here while I’m left with shit. [Ted turns and starts walking off]
  • John: Ted!
  • Samantha: Who's Gollum?
  • John: Oh, she's a model. [shouts to Ted who’s walking off] Ted, come back!
  • Ted: Leave me alone!
  • John: Ted!
  • Samantha: Ted!
  • John: Shit. [as he is walking by himself, Ted sees the sign for Comic Con and decides to go, at the same time, we see Donny close by watching Ted]
  • Guy: Hey, Ted! [Rick, dressed as Tick, walks over to Ted]
  • Ted: Guy?
  • Guy: I thought that was you. What’s happening, man? Hey, Rick! It is Ted. [Rick shows up dressed as Worf]
  • Rick: Hey, how you doing?
  • Ted: Hey, what’s going on?
  • Guy: What are you doing here?
  • Ted: You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
  • Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just kind of came here as a gag.
  • Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and *ck with the nerds. [Guy stops a nerdy looking Comic Con fan walking by them]
  • Guy: Hey, spas. Uh, why don't you go and get me some big lichu, how about that? [he gives the fan a wedgie then lets him go, the fan runs off whilst Guy and Rick laugh]
  • Ted: Uh-huh. All right. Well, good luck with your dick there.
  • Guy: Right on. You too, man. [as Ted walks off Guy looks at his hands] Goddamn it! That underwear had shit on it! [Ted goes to a Knight Rider Q&A room]
  • Fan: Yeah, I have a question for David Hasselhoff. Yes, sir. Did you find it difficult as an actor playing opposite a car?
  • David Hasselhoff: You know, that is a very good question. As an actor, you rely on subtle facial changes and cues from your co-stars. You don't get that with a car. But after a while you get used to it. It becomes the norm.
  • Fan: Thank you. [Ted grabs the mic]
  • Ted: Uh, yeah, excuse me. I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?
  • David Hasselhoff: You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.
  • KITT: Can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.
  • Ted: What? It's a fair question.
  • KITT: No, let me tell you something about this man…
  • David Hasselhoff: KITT, it's all right. Just let it go.
  • KITT: No, I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something. After the show ended, I got nothing but shit work. I was playing snowplows, tractors. I was even cast as a lawn mower. That was a real low point. And this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life, wrote me a check…
  • David Hasselhoff: Aw. Come on, pal.
  • KITT: No, no, I want everyone to hear this! Because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff. You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most… [KITT wets his windshield] Oh, God. I'm s… I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much. I love you so much. Oh, God.
  • David Hasselhoff: I love you too, pal. I really do. I love you.
  • Ted: So, like twenty five beers or what?
  • KITT: You piece of shit! Get out of here!
  • Ted: Whoa, man! What the *ck?
  • KITT: You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!
  • David Hasselhoff: KITT, he's not worth it!
  • KITT: Get out of here!
  • Ted: What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.
  • KITT: Get the *ck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!
  • Ted: I don't have to take this shit from a *cking Pontiac.
  • KITT: Get out! Get the *ck out!
  • Ted: You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.
  • KITT: Get out!
  • Ted: Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ. [as Ted left the room, he is stopped by Donny dressed as Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]
  • Donny: Hey. Are you Ted?
  • Ted: Uh, yeah.
  • Donny: Wow. This is so exciting! I was such a big fan of yours in the early nineties.
  • Ted: Oh. Well, uh, thanks a lot. What's your name?
  • Donny: I'm... I'm Rafael. Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you?
  • Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
  • Donny: Great, great. Here, follow me. [Donny takes Ted to a deserted back room]
  • Ted: Uh, okay. Why are we doing this back here?
  • Donny: Well you're a celebrity, I just don't want you to get mobbed when people recognize you.
  • Ted: Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an Ewok three times today. All right, let's do this. [Donny takes his Raphael head off] Holy shit! Donny!
  • Donny: It's so good to see you, Ted. It's been some time, hasn't it?
  • Ted: Oh, what you mean since you ripped me in half?
  • Donny: Well that wasn't supposed to happen. It was an accident. I have some big plans for you, Ted. Very big plans. I need you to come with me now.
  • Ted: Go to Hell! [Ted suddenly runs off and Donny chases after him, Ted steals a phone and calls John] [back with John and Sam who are searching for Ted in the streets]
  • Samantha: He could be anywhere, we're not gonna find him. We should just wait by the car.
  • John: What do you mean? We have to find him, okay? He’s a teddy bear on his own in New York for God’s sakes. [John gets a call]
  • John: Hello?
  • Ted: Johnny! Johnny, it's me. You gotta help me.
  • John: Ted. Ted, where are you? We've looked everywhere for you.
  • Ted: I'm at Comic Con, but John, it's Donny. He's here. He's after me, you gotta get over here.
  • John: What the *ck? Did you just say Donny?
  • Samantha: John, what's going on?
  • Ted: Yes, it's him. It's… [Ted sees Donny noticing him] Oh, shit! [Ted drops the phone and runs off]
  • John: Ted? Ted, hello?
  • Samantha: What's the matter?
  • John: Oh, my God. Deja vu. We gotta get to Comic Con. Come on. [John and Sam rush off] [Donny chases Ted and then stops when he finds a display of other Ted toys where Ted is hiding]
  • Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [Donny starts singing "Sweet Caroline"] Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline… [suddenly, Ted sings out due to temptation]
  • Ted: Bah bah bah! --*ck! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son of a bitch!
  • Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?!
  • Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh…
  • Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
  • Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
  • Vendor: Yeah, that's great. 40 dollars. [Donny goes to grab some cash] [John and Samantha enter Comic Con]
  • John: Do you see him anywhere?
  • Samantha: No, let's try in there. [to one of the fans] Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear?
  • Comic-Con Fan: They're about to announce the new Superman.
  • Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
  • John: *ck!
  • Samantha: Who’s Superman?
  • John: What?
  • Samantha: I’m just kidding, I’m *cking with you. Come on.
  • Tom Jessup: [giving his presentation at Comic Con] And if that is not big enough news, Hasbro will be unveiling a brand new line of Transformers merchandise next fall. [the crowd cheers] We’ve got a brand new line of Decepticons, that is gonna be… [Donny is standing by the side of

[Donny looks down at the unconscious Ted he's holding under his arm]the stage and softly calls out to Jessup]

  • Donny: Hey! Fresh cakes!
  • Tom Jessup: …Fresh cakes.
  • Donny: Fresh cakes. [Donny looks down at the unconscious Ted he’s holding under his arm]
  • Tom Jessup: Comic Con fans, let’s take a look at the thrilling sizzle reel with all of our exciting new toys. Take a look. [the crowd cheers as Jessup goes backstage to join Donny]
  • Donny: [referring to the unconscious Ted under Donny’s arm] Come on, there’s an empty supply room down the stairs.
  • Tom Jessup: Is that him?
  • Donny: Uh, yeah. There was an issue, so he's unconscious now. But, yeah, this is him.
  • Tom Jessup: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
  • Donny: Well I’ve been following him around since yesterday, this was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast. [Guy and Rick show up as Donny and Jessup are carrying Ted away]
  • Guy: Hey, Ted! Is that you?
  • Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in her stroller so we’re taking him back to sober him up.
  • Guy: Ah, rock on, Ted!
  • Donny: Eff yeah.
  • Rick: Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch. [Guy trips up a Comic Con fan]
  • Guy: Hey, watch that floor. It comes up fast, man. [John and Sam run into Guy and Rick as they search for Ted] Hey, Johnny.
  • John: Guy?
  • Guy: Man, it’s a Goddamn party here today.
  • Rick: Hey, hey, I remember you from the wedding. You get a nose job?
  • John: No.
  • Rick: Yes, you did, you *cking liar.
  • Guy: Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.
  • John: Ted? Where is he?
  • Guy: Well, he got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up.
  • Samantha: Did you see which way they went?
  • Rick: Yeah, yeah. Back hallway past the foodle booth.
  • John: Come on! [John and Sam rush off] [Ted becomes conscious and finds himself duct taped to a table]
  • Ted: What the *ck? What the *ck’s going on here? [to Jessup] Who the hell are you?
  • Tom Jessup: He really is extraordinary, isn’t he?
  • Ted: You *cking bitch, this is a kidnapping!
  • Donny: No, it’s not. Kidnapping only applies to people, and you, Ted, you’re property.
  • Ted: Yeah, so is that *cking hair piece.
  • Sam Jones: [as John and Sam are rushing to find Ted Sam Jones notices John] Hey, Bennett!
  • John: Oh, shit.
  • Sam Jones: You messed up my car! What the hell is wrong with you?
  • John: Look, Sam, this is really a bad time, alright? Something happened to Ted.
  • Sam Jones: Oh, but it’s a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.
  • John: Oh, *ck your Chrysler! [furious Sam Jones attacks John and pushes him down and a rumble of costumed characters breaks out] [Donny picks up knife getting ready to cut Ted open]
  • Ted: Holy shit! Wait! Donny! Donny! You don’t want to do this! Okay? Think about what happened to Frinway. You remember? You cut me open, that’s it. I’m gone, dead. Just a regular old teddy bear. I won’t be any fun then, will I?
  • Donny: This isn’t about you, Ted. You’re only one bear. We’re gonna figure out what makes you real and then we’re gonna make millions of Teds. One for every child in the world. One for me. One that loves me just as much as you love John.
  • Ted: Look, Donny, I can never love you. God, that sounds *cked up. Look, listen, I don’t wanna die. Okay? So, uh, what if I gave you a hand job outside your pants while you ate an ice cream?
  • Tom Jessup: I’ll give you a minute. [Guy and Rick watch as the Comic Con costumed fans are all fighting each other]
  • Guy: Hey, check it out, nerd fight. [suddenly one of the nerds attacks Guy but he deflects the nerd, then three other costumed nerds attack Guy and Rick taking them down] [back with Ted and Donny]
  • Ted: I’ll see you in heaven, Ted. [just as Donny is about to cut Ted open John and Sam find them]
  • John: Ted!
  • Ted: Johnny!
  • Tom Jessup: Who the hell are you?
  • John: Get away from him, you bastard! Ted, you okay, buddy?
  • Ted: Oh, Johnny, thank God!
  • Tom Jessup: I’m out.
  • Donny: Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don’t go. Come on, we can still do this, please.
  • Tom Jessup: You’re on your own, Danny. I can’t be implicated in any of this.
  • Samantha: Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
  • Tom Jessup: I work for Mattel. [Jessup leaves]
  • John: [to Donny] You piece of shit. Killing a family park wasn’t enough for you, huh? Huh?! What are you gonna do now?! [John grabs Donny]
  • Donny: You don’t deserve him, John. You never did. You never did!
  • John: Oh, I’ve waited to do this for a long time. [John punches Donny, knocking off his toupee]
  • Ted: Aha, I *cking knew it!
  • John: [to Sam and Ted] Come on. [they make a run for it]
  • Ted: Hey, listen, Johnny. I want to tell you how sorry I am.
  • John: Oh, no, forget it, buddy. Look, Teddy, you were upset and I shouldn’t have brushed it off. I’m so sorry.
  • Ted: No, no, no, no. Listen to me. Just listen to me. You too, Sam. I acted like an asshole. Alright? I was just…I was just hurting cause I knew I’d lost. And that in the eyes of the world I’ll always be property. But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right? It doesn’t matter what the world calls me, I know who I am. And that’s all that’s important, and I know who my friends are. And honest to God, if you two want to be together, nothing would make me happier.
  • John: Oh, buddy, I love you for that.
  • Samantha: Thanks, Ted. It means a lot. And for what it’s worth, as far as I’m concerned you’re a person as much as anybody I’ve ever known.
  • Ted: Ah, Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State. [Donny watches as Ted, John and Sam make their way across Comic Con so he decides to cut the rope holding up a giant Starship Enterprise to kill Ted]
  • John: Ted! [John pushes Ted out of the way just as the Enterprise is about to him, it hits John, throwing him across the room and makes a giant display screen land on him]
  • Ted: Holy shit! Johnny!
  • Samantha: Oh, my God. John!
  • Ted: Johnny?
  • Samantha: John?
  • Ted: Oh, Jesus.
  • Samantha: Are you okay?
  • Ted: Johnny, you alright?
  • Samantha: John.
  • Ted: Oh, my God.
  • Security Guard #1: Jesus, what happened here?
  • Samantha: The rocket ship just hit him!
  • Ted: Jesus Christ, that’s a Starship Enterprise. Forget it. Somebody call 911! Johnny. John, come on, stay with me, pal.
  • Security Guard #1: [into his radio] We need an ambulance at, 655 West 34.
  • Security Guard #2: How the hell did it fall?
  • Samantha: I don’t know! [Ted notices Donny in his Raphael costume a little in the distance]
  • Ted: It was him! The guy dressed like a Ninja Turtle. [the guards look back and there’s are several people dressed as Ninja Turtles]
  • Security Guard #1: Which one?
  • Ted: Alright, two can play this Where’s Waldo shit, you son of a bitch. Sam, give me your phone. [Sam gives Ted her phone, he takes it and plays Tiffany’s “I think We’re Alone Now”, not being able to help himself Donny starts dancing to it]
  • Ted: That’s him. [the two guards grab hold of Donny]
  • Donny: Get off me! [they take off his mask] Get off me! [the two guards drag Donny away, Ted rushes over to John]
  • Ted: Johnny? John, come on. Johnny, you gotta wake up, pal. Johnny, wake up. Wake up, Johnny. Johnny. Johnny, wake up. Johnny, wake up. [Johnny is in the hospital in a coma as Ted, Tami-Lynn and Sam are sat around his bed]
  • Samantha: How is he? Is he…is he gonna come out of it?
  • NYC Doctor: I don’t know, Miss Jackson. We’ve doing everything we can and it’s all up to him now. [Sam leans close to John]
  • Samantha: John, please wake up. [suddenly John starts to flatline] Somebody help!
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, my gosh. John!
  • Ted: John? Johnny?
  • Samantha: Hello? There’s something happening.
  • NYC Nurse: Mr. Bennett? Something is wrong.
  • Ted: We don’t know. What’s happening to him?
  • NYC Nurse: Mr. Bennett?
  • Samantha: John?
  • NYC Nurse: We have a code blue in room 134!
  • Tami-Lynn: What does that mean?
  • NYC Nurse: The doctors will do everything they can, but I need you to go to the waiting area now, please. [the doctor and nurses enter the room to work on John and shut the door on the trio] [the next morning the doctor comes over to the trio]
  • NYC Doctor: I’m sorry. um, he didn’t make it.
  • Samantha: What?
  • Ted: Johnny.
  • NYC Doctor: If you’d like you can go in and say you’re goodbyes. [the trio go in to John’s room to pay their last respects, Sam kisses him as she cries]
  • Ted: Oh, Johnny. You were my thunder buddy. My thunder buddy for life. And you gave up your own life to save mine. The only problem is I don’t know how my life works without you. Goodbye, John. [as Ted begins to cry suddenly John wakes and turns his head]
  • John: I got you, you mother *cker! [the trio scream in shock]
  • Ted: Holy shit, he’s a zombie! He’s a *cking zombie! [Ted jumps onto John and starts punching him in the face, John then knocks him off]
  • John: I totally *cking got you!
  • Ted: Holy shit!
  • John: Oh, you should have seen your *cking face!
  • Ted: You son of a bitch!
  • John: Holy shit. That was *cking classic.
  • Ted: Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you believe I was dead.
  • John: You made me think you were dead!
  • Ted: Woh! Well done, man. High five. High five.
  • Samantha: What the *ck is going on?!
  • Ted: What’s going on is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. You are the *cking greatest man. Holy shit. Wait, wait, wait. How was the doctor in on it?
  • John: Well, they got me out of it and I was totally fine so I talked him into going along as a bet. Hey, doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks!
  • NYC Doctor: No problem, we’re a funny hospital.
  • Samantha: You asshole! You think this shit is funny? Do you know how devastated I was? I put a frowning face on Facebook. How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?
  • John: Well, I mean you could change your relationship status from single to it’s complicated.
  • Samantha: You’re gonna have to do a lot better than that.
  • John: Well, “in a relationship with John Bennett.”
  • Samantha: Well, we’ll have to talk about that. [they kiss] Okay. We’re done talking. [they kiss again]
  • Tami-Lynn: Hey, if you guys want to bang, me and Teddy could totally leave the room.
  • Ted: No, no, no. Honey, honey, they’re classy, they’re not like us. They’re good people. [Meighan shows up at the hospital]
  • Patrick Meighan: I’m happy to see everyone has made a full recovery.
  • Samantha: Mr. Meighan?
  • John: What the hell?
  • Ted: Holy shit.
  • Patrick Meighan: Is it alright if I come in?
  • John: Sure, yeah.
  • Patrick Meighan: How are you feeling, John?
  • John: I’m alive.
  • Patrick Meighan: You’re very lucky. I saw what you did on TV.
  • Ted: Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.
  • Patrick Meighan: You’re very lucky. I saw what you did on TV.
  • Ted: Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.
  • John: You know why? Because he’s a person. And no matter how many you smart ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down, you’re not gonna change that, not in our eyes. Teddy is real, so you can go *ck yourself.
  • Patrick Meighan: I will. And as soon as I’m done *cking myself I’d like to take your case, Ted.
  • Ted: What?
  • John: Seriously?
  • Ted: Oh, my God!
  • John: You heard that?
  • Ted: I don’t believe it! [to Meighan] Um, well, maybe we don’t want you now.
  • John: Shut up.
  • Ted: No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you.
  • Samantha: What made you change your mind?
  • Patrick Meighan: Well, when I saw what John did for you. And he was willing to give his life for yours, it gave me a kick in the ass. Reminds me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do. I’m sorry I turned you away. I was wrong. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person deserves to be called human.
  • Ted: You mean it?
  • Patrick Meighan: I certainly do. So, shall we get started? [back in court Meighan argues Ted’s case in front of the jury] What defines a person? What defines property? What’s the difference? The anthropologist and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes argues that the standards for personhood includes self-awareness, an ability to understand complex emotions, and the capacity for empathy. And we are all in agreement that Ted is self-aware.
  • Ted: [to Ted] What is your name?
  • Patrick Meighan: Ted Clubberlang. As for the complex emotions and a capacity for empathy, we all saw the distressing images of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend John Bennett. In those images, Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood. It’s right there for anyone to see. And I believe that a just court must by definition grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them. Just as the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th Amendment did so many years ago. So, ladies and gentlemen of the court, I invite you to change the world. [after winning the case Ted walks out of the building to a cheering crowd]
  • Ted: Well, Johnny, this is the second time you’ve made me real. Thanks, pal.
  • Samantha: Congratulations, Ted.
  • Ted: Thanks, Sam. [they walk down the steps as the crowd continues to cheer, Ted is then stopped by a reporter]
  • Reporter: This is quite a victory for you. Is there any statement that you’d like to make now that you’re legally a person?
  • Ted: Yes, there is. [he turns to Tami-Lynn and kneels on one knee] Tami-Lynn McCafferty, will you marry me?
  • Tami-Lynn: Yes! [the crowd cheers again]
  • Narrator: [voice over] And so our story comes to an end. Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, and soon afterwards they adopted a fine young baby boy. [we see Ted, Tami-Lynn with their baby as John and Sam are with them]
  • Ted: Johnny, meet your new godson, Apollo Creed Clubberlang.
  • John: Oh, Teddy, he’s adorable.
  • Samantha: Oh, and we got something for him too. [to John] Show him. Show him.
  • John: Oh shit, yeah. Hold on. [John opens a box and takes out a tiny Ted toy]
  • Ted: Johnny!
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, Johnny, it’s perfect.
  • John: [to the baby] Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, maybe he’ll come to life. And you guys can do all kinds of drugs together.
  • John: Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, maybe he’ll come to life. And you guys can do all kinds of drugs together.
  • Ted: That is all I want for him.
  • Tami-Lynn: Oh, it smells like somebody’s got a poopie diaper. Teddy, it’s your turn to change him.
  • Ted: Oh, yeah. No problem. [there’s pause and we hear]

Oh, *ck me!

  • Tami-Lynn: What’s the matter?
  • Ted: That can’t be normal. He’s gotta be sick.
  • Tami-Lynn: He’s not sick, it’s just baby doodie.
  • John: Yeah, that’s what babies do, Teddy.
  • Ted: Oh, you don’t think this diaper’s gross?
  • John: No!
  • Ted: Alright, here, catch.
  • John: Oh, Teddy! What the *ck?! Holy shit! You mother *cker! [we hear Ted taking a photo]
  • Ted: Hashtag, “Shit happens.” [after credit scene; we see a beat-up looking Liam Neeson stagger back into the grocery store to return the box of Trix cereal]
  • [End of Ted 2]