- SpongeBob: (is snoring. He is asleep in bed and in his dream, he is standing on a giant Krabby Patty, then black storm clouds roll in and it starts to rain Krabby Patties. One falls into his hands) Ah! It’s raining krabby patties! Yeah! (runs around eating patties. Dream ends. SpongeBob wakes up to see himself chewing on his pillow. He spits it out and his stomach growls) A quick midnight snack and then it’s back to bed. (kicks the pillow on the ground and jumps on it. Sees Gary meowing in his sleep) Aww, sleep tight, my little angel. (tip-toes past Gary. He tries to get down the stairs without waking up Gary but goes down really fast making a xylophone sound. He walks to the fridge) Ah, here it is. (grabs a jar of seanut butter out of the fridge and walks to the counter where there is food and utensils lying on it) Nothing like a sea-nut butter and jellyfish jelly sandwich to get you to sleep. (as soon as SpongeBob takes a bite of the sandwich, he falls asleep. In the morning, his whole house is frozen because he left the fridge open. "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" plays. SpongeBob's TV is surrounded by ice and there is a fish in it shivering. SpongeBob wakes up also shivering) The fridge! (slides over and closes the door then sits down trying to get warm. He tries to stand up but he slips and slides everywhere inside the house, and he breaks all the windows before stopping on his bed. He pulls the frozen covers over him but the blanket breaks into pieces)
- Gary: (wearing a hat and ear muffs) Meow.
- SpongeBob: (slides into the bathroom) Oh, Gary, I don’t feel like myself.
- Gary: Meow.
- SpongeBob: Don’t be silly, Gary. I don’t get colds. I get the suds.
- SpongeBob: No, Gary. If I had the suds, I’d have bubbles coming out of me. (he sneezes. Pink bubbles come out of him.)
- Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I can’t get the suds, (sniffles) because then I’d have to miss work! (puts his underwear over his mouth and nose then sneezes. Pink bubbles come out again)
- Gary: Meow.
- SpongeBob: No, Gary. I like wearing my underwear like this. (turns around and has two bubbles representing his butt cheeks. Each one pops)
- SpongeBob: I’m not sick. I’m going to work. (at Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is cooking but sneezing at the same time. Mr. Krabs comes into the kitchen.)
- Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what’s holding up those patties? (SpongeBob turns around looking pale)
- SpongeBob: Right away, sir.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what’s wrong with you? You’re paler than a baby sea horse.
Mr. Krabs: The suds?
SpongeBob: (holds up the krabby patty on a plate) Here’s that patty you wanted, Mr. Krabs, sir. (when he sneezes, the krabby patty splatters all over Mr. Krabs head)
Mr. Krabs: (wipes patty off his face) Alright, SpongeBob, you’re too sick to work.
SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs, I’m ok, honest. (Mr. Krabs opens the front door)
Mr. Krabs: No, now go home and get some rest. (SpongeBob walks off) Nothing personal, lad. I just can’t have you sneezing all over my food! (customers hear what Mr. Krabs just said and all spit out their food and run out of the Krusty Krab) No, wait! Wait!
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I feel horrible. (sneezes. Gary hides in his shell with pink bubbles all over his shell) Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve got the suds, no doubt about it. (after he sneezes again, his right eye rolls down his face) I’d better take care of this before it gets out of hand. (picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number)
Sandy: (running on her wheel) Hello?
SpongeBob: Sandy, I’m sick. (puts his eye back into place) Can you escort me to the doctor’s?
Sandy: Oh, sure, SpongeBob. I’ll be there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August in...
SpongeBob: Yeah, ok, Sandy, thanks. (sneezes pink bubbles through Sandy's phone. Later, as SpongeBob is getting dressed for the doctor, the doorbell rings) Coming. (opens the door)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. Going skiing?
SpongeBob: I’m sick, Patrick. I’m going to the doctor.
Patrick: What? Oh, you can’t go!
SpongeBob: Why not, Patrick?
Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor once, and the doctor’s office is a horrible, horrible place!
SpongeBob: (sits in his chair) It can’t be as horrible as the suds. (sneezes)
Patrick: Oh, it is, SpongeBob! Well first, they make you sit in the waiting room.
SpongeBob: Is that the horrible part, Patrick?
Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read old magazines! (SpongeBob gasps. Patrick takes a piece of coral for a stethoscope) Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope.
Patrick: Yes! It’s a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh, it... (takes the end of the piece of coral and puts it on SpongeBob’s chest) Pssssssh! (SpongeBob jumps and runs around)
SpongeBob: No, no! No stethoscope, no doctor, no old magazines, no hiss! No! (flips over on the floor) Patrick, I don’t want to go to the doctor.
Patrick: Exactly. (SpongeBob sneezes. A pink bubble is in the place where Patrick's nose should be then pops)
SpongeBob: You gotta help me get better, Patrick. Please? Would you like to be my doctor, Patrick?
Patrick: What else are friends for? (later, SpongeBob is sitting on the table in his kitchen. Patrick is standing behind him. SpongeBob sneezes) It appears as though we’ll have to plug up these holes. This oughta do the trick. (pushes a small cork in one of SpongeBob’s holes. Then plugs up the rest of the holes with more corks) Voila! (SpongeBob sneezes but no bubble come out) Feel better?
SpongeBob: I don’t know. (when he sneezes more and more he enlarges himself)
Patrick: Help, I’m shrinking! (SpongeBob breaks the table) No! Please don’t hurt me!
SpongeBob: No bubbles! Patrick, your treatment is working!
Patrick: You think so?
SpongeBob: Sure! At this rate, I’ll be cured in no time. In fact, I’m going to call Sandy and tell her not to come. Thanks, Dr Patrick!
Patrick: And they said I’d never make anything out of myself.
SpongeBob: (can't dial phone due to large fingers) My fingers are too big for the buttons. Dr Patrick, will you call Sandy for me? (gives Patrick the phone)
Patrick: Sure, patient SpongeBob. (Patrick calls Sandy, who is about to head out for SpongeBob’s place) Hello, Sandy?
Sandy: Hiya, Patrick.
Patrick: I’m calling on behalf of my patient, SpongeBob.
Sandy: I’m on my way over to take him to the hospital.
Patrick: Uhh, uhh, that will no longer be required. He is in my care as of today.
Sandy: Well, I’m coming over to take a look. I’ll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot...
Patrick: Oh yeah, yeah, the rabbit. Don’t bother, Sandy! (hangs up) Oh, SpongeBob, quick, Sandy’s coming! We’ve got to make sure you’re well, or she’ll take you to the doctor! (runs into the kitchen with rubber gloves on and dips them into the sink of water) Don’t touch me, I’m sterile! Scalpel, please. (takes some sea-nut butter and spreads it on SpongeBob’s right foot. Then puts a piece of bread on each side and his shoe on it) Feeling better?
SpongeBob: Uh-uh. (later, a string is attached to a door that Patrick closes. A tooth shoots out from the side)
Patrick: Feeling better yet?
SpongeBob: (missing a tooth) Not really.
Patrick: (jumping on SpongeBob in a ballet outfit) How...about...now?
SpongeBob: I don’t...think so. (Patrick puts a big band-aid on SpongeBob’s back)
Patrick: Feeling better?
SpongeBob: No. (Patrick rips the band-aid off and puts it somewhere else on SpongeBob’s back)
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Nope. (Patrick rips the band-aid off and puts it somewhere else on SpongeBob’s back)
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Uh-uh. (Patrick rips the band-aid off. Later, Sandy arrives outside SpongeBob’s house)
Sandy: Hello, SpongeBob?
Patrick: (black mask on his head) Uh-oh, it’s Sandy. (SpongeBob is tied onto a medieval machine. He sneezes and enlarges himself into a ball. Sandy knocks on the door) There’s no one home. Sandy: Patrick, you open this door. (Patrick is rolling SpongeBob away) Patrick, sometimes I just don’t understand you. (SpongeBob sneezes) Hey! (walks over to Patrick's house) Ok, Patrick, where’s SpongeBob?
Patrick: Uhh, uhh, he’s not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Sandy: Ok, now tell me, (shows two rocks) since when do you have two houses?
Patrick: Since I ran out of space to put my stuff.
Sandy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Since when does your house have feet? (SpongeBob’s feet are sticking out of the other rock)
Patrick: This is my mobile home. (SpongeBob sneezes the rock off)
SpongeBob: Hiya, Sandy.
Patrick: (holding SpongeBob’s hand) Hmmm, the dirt therapy seems to be working just fine.
Sandy: Patrick, SpongeBob has to see a real doctor.
Patrick: No he doesn’t! I’m taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob! Say 'ahh'.
SpongeBob: Ahh... (a green substance-like gas spreads outs all over killing the plants, clams, and everything in its path)
Sandy: See? He’s even worse than I thought.
Patrick: (clothespin on his nose) What do you mean? He’s fine. (Sandy takes the clothespin off of his nose)
SpongeBob: I’m ok, Sandy, really. (sneezes again, enlarging himself more)
Sandy: I’m taking you to the doctor right now. (rolls SpongeBob away)
Patrick: Hey, that’s my patient! (runs over and pushes SpongeBob the opposite way) You can’t take him to the doctor’s.
Sandy: (rolling SpongeBob the other way again) Don’t be silly, Patrick!
Patrick: (carrying SpongeBob the other way) He’s mine! (Sandy is log rolling SpongeBob the opposite way)
Sandy: SpongeBob, you’ll be better soon. (Patrick is using a wheelbarrow for SpongeBob)
Patrick: I’ll save you! (Sandy is using SpongeBob as a basketball)
SpongeBob: I’m b-b-b-better, guys! Really! (both push SpongeBob until he squeezes through them into the air)
Sandy: Now look what you’ve done, Patrick!
Patrick: What I’ve done? Everything was fine until you showed up.
Sandy: You should be arrested for impersonating a doctor.
Patrick: Hey, I’m a good doctor, right, SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (SpongeBob comes down and rolls away)
Patrick, Sandy: Huh?
SpongeBob: I can’t stop now! (rolls down a hill) Help me! (Mr. Krabs is cleaning some dimes)
Mr. Krabs: Shiny dimes.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? (runs out the front doors) Stop! SpongeBob! Stop! (SpongeBob stops in front of restaurant) Ooh. (SpongeBob sneezes so hard, the pink bubbles destroy the Krusty Krab. Later at the hospital)
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Well, Mr. SquarePants, it seems you have the suds. Are you ready for your treatment?
SpongeBob: You’re not going to make me read old magazines, are you?
Doctor: No, silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hands? (a real hand comes through the door and takes SpongeBob out of the room. Shows the hand cleaning SpongeBob with soap) Whoo! (Hands is using real SpongeBob to rub a man's back in the shower) This tickles! (Hands uses real SpongeBob to scrub a man's feet. SpongeBob sniffs) I can smell again! (real SpongeBob being used to wash a plate and a car) Whoo! Yeah! Yeah-eah! Whoo! (SpongeBob being rinsed off in the sink and put back in the doctor's room)
SpongeBob: I feel as good as new! I love the doctor!
Hands: Here is your lollipop. (hands SpongeBob a big lollipop. Sandy winks at SpongeBob)
Patrick: A lollipop? (takes a bubble wand and blows a bubble) Hey, doc, I got the suds, too.
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Oh, yes, Dr. Patrick, we have a special treatment for you.
Patrick: (Patrick gets taken away by Hands. He's being washed in the sink with soap) Hey, wait. (used on a cactus) Ouch! Well, that hurts. (being used to scrub a toilet) Wait, this doesn't seem right!