SpongeBob: Hey, somebody left me a package! (groans) Heavy! I wonder what's inside.
Stanley: Ew... cramped in there!
SpongeBob: Cousin Stanley!
Stanley: Cousin SpongeBob! [both shake their tongues]
SpongeBob: So what brings you to Bikini Bottom, Stanley?
Stanley: Uncle Sherm said I should come visit you. I have a note from him somewhere. Oh, right. It's in here. [pulls the note out of his head] Here it is.
SpongeBob:[reading it] Dear SpongeBob. I'm sending your cousin Stanley to live with you. He can't hold down a job and he ruins everything he touches. I can't take it anymore. Maybe you can straighten him out. Love, Uncle Sherm. Well, you're always welcome here, Stanley! My pineapple is your pineapple.
Stanley: Wow! You've got your own refrigerator. I'm not allowed near the fridge at Uncle Sherm's. [accidentally throws out its contents] Whoa!
SpongeBob: Well, now I won't have to clean it out.
SpongeBob:[Walks to the washroom and knocks on the door] Stanley! You OK in there Stanley?
Stanley: Your toilet is so cool! Is that what I think it is? [Runs to the TV, the toilet starts overflowing, SpongeBob opens the door. Water rushes out]
SpongeBob: Well, it was bath night.
[Stanley flips through the channels on the TV]
Announcer: Only $29.95!
Squirrel: You'll never take me alive, flat foot!
Stanley: Uncle Sherm won't let me watch TV at home.
SpongeBob: Why not? [an explosion happens]
Stanley: That's why... What's that?
SpongeBob: Oh, that's okay. There's nothing good on TV anyway. [He is now clearly annoyed] Nothing...
Stanley:[looking at a picture of SpongeBob in front of the Krusty Krab] You work at the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: I don't just work there! I'm vice assistant general manager in charge of certain things. That's me turning the front door key! That's me serving customers! And that's me performing sanitary maintenance!
Stanley: Ooh! Who's that!
SpongeBob: Oh, that. That's me making Krabby Patties! The best job in the world. It's my calling.
Stanley: I wish I had a calling.
SpongeBob: Oh, Stanley. You just haven't found your purpose in life, that's all!
Stanley: You really think so?
SpongeBob: I know so. I'll bet my friend Squidward can help you! [outside] Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin Stanley.
Stanley: We're related.
Squidward: There's two of them?! Aahh! [gets all his things, and puts a "For Sale" sign next to his house]
Squidward: Step on it! [drives off]
Stanley: Your friend Squidward seems busy.
SpongeBob: No, that's ok. I'm sure Sandy can think of something. [cuts to the treedome]
Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. Who's your friend?
SpongeBob: This is my cousin, Stanley SquarePants. I thought you could show him how to be a scientist.
Sandy: Why, sure! Glad to meet you, partner.
Stanley: Oh, nice to meet you...gah.... [Stanley trips on a rock In Slow Motion ] Whoa! [his buck teeth rip a hole in Sandy's air suit]
Sandy: Uh oh. [zooms up] Yall... darn it!!!
SpongeBob: Uhh... Maybe you're not scientist material. But don't you worry. I'll bet Patrick can help ya! He's a genius! [at Patrick's house] And so, Mr. Star, that's why we came to you.
Patrick: Looking for your calling, huh? [examines Stanley] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm... So, what are you good at?
Patrick: Nothing at all?
Patrick: Interesting. Let's see how good you are at nothing.
SpongeBob: That's perfect! Patrick can do nothing better than anyone! [whispers in Stanley's ear] You'll be learning from the master!
Patrick: Come with me. First, sit down on this chair. Clear your mind. Empty it off all thoughts... until you're doing... absolutely... nothing. [does nothing]
Spongebob: See? Isn't he amazing?
Stanley: Clear my mind. Do nothing. [focuses on Stanley's difficulty to do nothing] I can't do it!
Patrick: You're not worthy for instruction in the immobile arts. Leave my presence!
Stanley: Can I try?
Patrick: Good-bye! Not a word!
Stanley: I can even do nothing right.
SpongeBob: Don't give up, Stan-O! We just need to keep on looking! [looks at his watch and takes out his Krusty Krab hat] Oh, gentle hat, symbol of employment! Cornerstone of my eternal happiness! I don thee now, in preparation, for this workday. [kisses it and puts it on] Wooo! You have no idea how good this feels.
Stanley: No! [starts to cry]
SpongeBob: Hey, what's wrong, Stanley? You're not still upset about that whole never accomplished anything in your life thing, are you?
SpongeBob: Good, then why don't you come with me to work. Maybe seeing me totally full-filled will cheer you up!
Mr. Krabs: There's me little money maker. [Kisses SpongeBob] Are you gonna make me lots of money today?
SpongeBob: Yes sir!
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, what'd I give if only there were two...what? One, two? There's two?! He looks like ya. He smells like ya. He tastes like ya! Is he a hard worker, just like you?
Mr. Krabs:[money comes into his pants] You got the job!
SpongeBob:[at cash register with Stanley] Your job is to take people's money, and put it in here! [points to register]
Stanley: Whoa! Can I touch it? [register explodes]
Mr. Krabs:[in office] Money? [sniffs] Burning?! [jumps out of office and onto money, gets covered with tar and sobs] SpongeBob? Who's responsible for this?
SpongeBob: I... guess I am, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You're on probation, boy!
SpongeBob:[at the kitchen] Well, Stanley. Thanks to you, I'm on probation. If you wanna keep this job, you have to... [customer comes in] Woo! Customer at the port bow! Man your stations! Man your stations! Ready for duty!
Stanley: Hey, my first customer. Hi, I'm Stanley! Ohhh! This is SO exciting!
Harold: Hmm...I'd like a...
Stanley: Wait! Wait! Wait, wait! Hold on! [snaps picture] I don't ever want to forget this moment! That's gonna be a keeper. Now let's do one with funny hats! [last picture] Ooh, yeah! Let's pretend we're mad at each other! [snaps picture] I can't wait to get these developed. (runs off)
SpongeBob: I said I'm ready Stanley. [commotion] Whoa! [SpongeBob rushes to the cash register and starts taking and making the orders as fast as he can, soon everyone in the resturaunt burps making the Krusty Krab float and shake, everyone is satisfied and leaves the resturaunt, Mr. Krabs burst in to see what's going on]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What's the meaning of this? Your station looks horrible. Take some pride in your work, boy! Look at your cousin Stanley, for example. Spiffing up his work-space with meaningful photos of the customers! [looks at wedding picture]
SpongeBob:[goes into office] Um...sir?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, boy?
SpongeBob: About my cousin Stanley?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes. The one I hired entirely on your recommendation. Hurry it up, boy.
SpongeBob: Well, well, actually, sir? About those things I said...
Mr. Krabs: What? You didn't lie to me just so your cousin could get the job, did you?
Mr. Krabs: Well, good. Because there were plenty of other relatives that got passed over for the job!
Sandy's Cousin:[scottish accent] Aye, 'tis true!
Squidward's Cousin: Whatever.
Mr. Krabs: I even turned down me own three adorable nephews.
Nephews:[in unison] But Uncle Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: They solve mysteries. [laughs] Now go solve the mystery of why you didn't get the job!
SpongeBob: Stanley, I cannot keep covering for you! [sees that Stanley has bent Spat] No! Not my spatula! My spatula... [sniffs] The thing I hold nearest and dearest to my heart...
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Neptune is going on? Oh. You broke your spatula. That's a shame. I'll order another one tomorrow,boy.
SpongeBob:[Screaming]NO! NO! NO! I didn't break my spatula. He did! And I also didn't burn your money. He did that, too! I have been covering for him because he can't do ANYTHING right!!
Stanley: He's right! I ruin everything I touch! [runs off crying]
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute...I know the perfect job for you!
SpongeBob:[next day] Good luck at your new job today, cousin Stanley!
Stanley: Thanks! I'll bet I'm even better at this one!
Plankton: Good morning, Mr. SquarePants!
Stanley: Morning, boss.
Plankton: I can't believe it! That fool Krabs letting the blood relative of his best worker [big explosion as Mr. Krabs watches through windows] Well, that's the end of me.