[The episode begins at SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is pulling a trashcan, with Patrick inside, out through the door. Then he pushes it onto the curb.]
[A mail truck drives by and drops a package on the curb.]
SpongeBob: What's that?
Patrick:[pops out of trashcan] Looks like a box.
SpongeBob: Wonder who it belongs to. [jumps on the box] Maybe it says on the other side.
Patrick: Oh, look, it's open.
SpongeBob: It is?
Patrick:[opens the box] Yup.
SpongeBob:[peeks inside the box] Ooh. [climbs in the box] It's—it's— [whimpers] It's stuff! [holds up a big pile of sporting equipment]
Patrick:[laughs] Oh, I knew it! But what does this stuff do?
[The sporting equipment falls on SpongeBob and Patrick. The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick in the library with a golf club.]
SpongeBob: Ah, this must be for getting books off the top shelf. [knocks books off the top shelf with the golf club]
Patrick: Hey! [laughs]
[SpongeBob knocks more books off the shelf, which they all drop on Patrick. SpongeBob stops and another book falls on Patrick's head.]
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick with the bowling ball in the kitchen.]
Patrick: This must be a whipped cream holder.
[Patrick takes a bottle of whipped cream and pours some through the finger holes on the bowling ball. Then he eats the whipped cream from the ball, but he drops it in his mouth. Then he falls through the floor and into the basement.]
SpongeBob: Ah! Patrick, are you okay?
[Patrick licks some whipped cream from the bowling ball.]
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick in the living room with a catcher's mitt. SpongeBob gives the mitt to Gary, who slithers onto it to sleep.]
SpongeBob: This must be a portable snail bed. [rocks Gary to sleep] ♪Rock-a-bye Gary♪
Patrick: I wanna try!
[Patrick hops on the catcher's mitt and pushes Gary aside.]
[Patrick curls himself on the mitt and goes to sleep.]
SpongeBob: Aww. [chuckles]
[The scene changes to Squidward's house. Squidward is in the kitchen, preparing himself a fancy lunch.]
Squidward:[humming] Oh, it may have taken you all morning, Squidward, but this is a meal fit for a king. [bell dings] Oh. My croque-madame is ready. [goes to get his croque-madame]
[A tennis ball crashes through the window and destroys everything including Squidward's meal. Squidward comes back with the croque-madame.]
Squidward:[notices the mess] What the—
[The tennis ball flies into Squidward's croque-madame and gets splattered in the face with its goop. SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing outside.]
Squidward:[shakes the goop off and growls] SpongeBob! Patrick! What do you two think you're—[notices the sporting equipment] wow.
[Squidward runs to the back where SpongeBob and Patrick are wrecking up his garden with a soccer ball and tennis rackets.]
Both: Hi-yah! [laughs]
[The soccer ball destroys the bird bath and bird house as well as the flowers. SpongeBob and Patrick go to hit the soccer ball again right before Squidward arrives.]
Squidward: My begonias! What are you lunk heads doing with all this equipment?
Squidward: You don't know what this stuff is?!
Both: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Squidward: This is a soccer ball...[kicks the soccer ball in SpongeBob's face] that is a tennis racket, [shoves the tennis racket in SpongeBob's face] and these are a couple of morons! [bashes SpongeBob and Patrick's face into each other] Now, be quiet! And clean up all of your sports junk!
Both:[confused] What's a "sportz?"
Squidward:[groans] Sports are games you play for points. The points determine the winner of the game.
Patrick: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I love games!
SpongeBob: Me too! You must know a lot about "sportz," Squidward. Will you teach us how to play?
Squidward: I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than—
[Squidward's angel appears on his right shoulder.]
Angel Squidward: Now now, Squidward. You need to help them. Played incorrectly, sports can be very dangerous.
[Squidward's devil appears on his left shoulder.]
Devil Squidward: Yeah, he's right! You should teach 'em to play wrong, 'cause it's payback time!
[The tennis ball hits Squidward's angel.]
Angel Squidward: Let 'em have it, right between the eyes. [disappears]
[Squidward's devil disappears as well.]
Squidward: You know, on second thought, I'd be happy to teach you all about sports, SpongeBob. [chuckles evilly]
[The scene changes to Squidward setting up a horseshoe toss game.]
Squidward: All right, the object of this game is to throw the horseshoe around the stick.
SpongeBob: Ah, seems easy enough.
Squidward: Sure, but you have to do it... [hold up a blindfold] blindfolded. [ties the blindfold around SpongeBob's face and gives the horseshoe to SpongeBob]
[Patrick licks his horseshoe just as Squidward puts the blindfold around Patrick's eyes.]
Patrick: Um, do we throw now?
SpongeBob: At the same time?
Squidward: Yes! Throw it at the same time! Throw!
SpongeBob: Hi-yah! [throws the horseshoe]
[Patrick throws his horseshoe as well. SpongeBob's horseshoe hits Patrick in the head while Patrick's horseshoe hits SpongeBob in the face.]
SpongeBob: Ow! [sticks his tongue out with his eyeballs showing; then puts his eyeballs back in place] Aw, we didn't hit the sticks. Did we do bad?
Patrick:[his face puffs up] My face hurts.
Squidward: Oh, no, no, no. You both did good. Pain is—uh, worth points. You know the phrase, "no pain, no gain."
Patrick:[laughs] I want pain points! [kicks his horseshoe and a seahorse falls on him]
Squidward: Yeah, that's great. Now do it—oh, 100 more times. [throws the horseshoe]
[The horseshoe falls SpongeBob's nose. SpongeBob throws the horseshoe again, but gets hit in the face with Patrick's horseshoe.]
[SpongeBob and Patrick keep hitting themselves with each other's horseshoe while Squidward lays back and watches them in amusement.]
Squidward: Oh, Squiddy, you're a genius.
[SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to Squidward and appear to brutally beaten by Squidward's so-called game.]
SpongeBob: Squidward, can the game be over now? All this pain is starting to hurt.
Squidward: Oh, sorry. There's no way to end the game without one of you winning.
[SpongeBob and Patrick groan. The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick wearing ice skates and are around to race each other on Squidward's command.]
Squidward: Ready...set...go! [fires the toy gun and chuckles]
[SpongeBob and Patrick start running, but as they running, they are having a hard time running with the ice skates as they appear to be uncomfortable. SpongeBob trips and falls, getting sand with worms in his mouth.]
SpongeBob:[spits the sand out of his mouth] Squidward, are you sure we're doing this right? These running shoes are really hurting my ankles.
Squidward: Oh, you're absolutely doing it right. Try to pick up the pace, though.
[Patrick appears behind SpongeBob and slices him in half with his ice skate.]
Patrick: Comin' through!
[The two halves of SpongeBob stand up and goes to catch up to Patrick. Two sharks come by and notices what SpongeBob and Patrick are doing.]
Shark Son: I wanna play, Daddy.
Shark Dad: No, son. We're sports "fans." We just watch.
[The Shark Dad pulls up a chair and sits down while his son takes up a foam hand. SpongeBob and Patrick made it to the finishing line.]
Squidward: And...time. Let's see those ankles.
[SpongeBob and Patrick's ankles puff up from the strain of running while wearing the ice skates.]
Squidward:[gasps] Oh, yeah, those look bad. You both get—mm, 50 points. Why not?
Patrick: Hey, then we're still tied!
[The scene changes to people walking to the backyard of SpongeBob and Squidward's houses. In the backyard, there's a sporting arena containing several different fields: a baseball field, a bowling rink, a soccer field, a basketball court, a football field, a golf course, and some gymnasium sections. SpongeBob is holding up a catcher's mitt and a tennis racket while wearing a headband. Patrick shoots footballs in SpongeBob's face with the football shooter. SpongeBob comes back with footballs lodged in his mouth and gives a thumbs up. The scoreboard changes from 70 to 72, and they're still tied. Patrick hits the bowling ball with the golf club, but the club breaks and hits SpongeBob in the face. The scoreboard changes from 82 to 84, and they're still tied. SpongeBob and Patrick are on the balance beam over a jellyfish hive. The beam breaks and they both get stung by jellyfish. The scoreboard changes from 88 to 90, and they're still tied. Meanwhile, Sandy is shown walking down the street with a magnifying glass.]
Sandy: Hmm. Hmm. Where is it? Where is it? Hmm. Ah-ha! There's my box of sports gear. It must've fallen off the mail truck. But what happened to all the equipment?
[The bell dings and the crowd cheers.]
Sandy: What was that?
[Sandy runs to the sporting arena and notices SpongeBob and Patrick beating themselves up with boxing gloves on their feet.]
Sandy: Huh? SpongeBob, what's going on?
SpongeBob: Oh, hey—[SpongeBob and Patrick hit each other] Sandy. Patrick and I are—[SpongeBob and Patrick hit each other again] in the middle of a sports game.
[Patrick jumps onto SpongeBob.]
Sandy: This sure don't look like any sport I've seen before.
[SpongeBob and Patrick hit each other again.]
SpongeBob: I believe it's called kickboxing, or something?
[Patrick falls down.]
Sandy: Well, whatever it is, it seems to be causing you lots of pain.
[SpongeBob hits Patrick.]
Patrick: Ow! Sure is. [gets hit again] Ooh!
Sandy: Why not stop playing it if it hurts so bad?
Patrick: We can't stop...[panting] Until we break our tie.
Sandy: Says who?
[The trumpeters play and fog steams out from between the booths.]
Shark Son: It's the rule giver.
[The crowd murmurs as Don the Whale, Frank the Muscular Goldfish, and Larry the Lobster carry Squidward, who is in a grim reaper outfit, onto the field. They set him down and the crowd cheers.]
Sandy: I ain't never heard of a rule giver.
Squidward:[flips his hood] I prefer "King of Sports," but you can never tell what will catch on with the small folk.
Sandy: You're making up a game where SpongeBob and Patrick hurt themselves, and you won't let them stop?!
Squidward: I'm just giving the people what they want.
Sandy: That's pretty low, Squidward, even for you. I'm putting a stop to this. SpongeBob and Patrick have had enough!
[SpongeBob and Patrick appear brutally beaten up by Squidward's so-called games.]
Squidward: See? They're fine. Let the games resume.
[Sandy grumbles and the audience cheers.]
Sandy: Oh, I don't think so. Y'all want to see a game? Fine. Squidward, I challenge you to a game—a game of basketball. Winner decides the fate of SpongeBob and Patrick.
[Sandy throws basketballs in Squidward's face.]
Squidward: Huh? [the crowd cheers] Me? Play sports? No, no. I'm mostly in an advisory position.
Jimmy Gus: Aw, come on! We came to see some action! Play the squirrel! Play the squirrel!
Crowd: Play the squirrel! Play the squirrel!
Sandy: See you on the court, Your Highness. [shoves the crown down Squidward's face]
[The scene changes to Squidward and Sandy on the basketball court.]
Sandy: Hey, Squidward, one more thing. We're playing San Antonio rules.
Squidward: San "A—what—io" rules?
[Sandy throws the basketball in Squidward's belly. Then she jumps onto Squidward's head and shoots the basketball into the net. The crowd cheers.]
Squidward: Oh, that was a foul!
Sandy: Tell it to your mama, Squidward!
Mrs. Tentacles: Don't want to hear it.
Sandy: Next round's soccer.
Squidward: What the what?
Sandy: Sure. Every time you score, you pick a new sport. I thought you knew all the rules, Squidward.
Squidward: Well, uh, yeah, well, of course I do. Yeah.
Sandy: Good, then block this!
Squidward:[notices the soccer net in back of him] Block what?
[Sandy kicks the soccer ball and headbutts into the net. The net bounces the ball back, hitting Squidward in the head. Squidward pulls his head back up and the crowd cheers.]
Squidward: Oh, come on, I wasn't even ready!
Sandy: No time outs! Football round!
[The horn blares and Sandy charges towards Squidward with the football. She rams Squidward onto the football goalpost. Then she throws the football with her tail through the goalpost. The football hits Squidward and the crowd cheers.]
Squidward:[panting] Just give me a second to—
[Sandy comes up from behind and stuffs Squidward in a jellyfishing net. She swings the net and sends Squidward flying to the soccer ball goal and into the pooling table. Squidward pulls himself out of the table. Sandy hits the eight ball and it flies into Squidward's head. The eight ball comes out through Squidward's nose. Sandy takes out a plate and Squidward's face falls into pieces. Squidward's face is now made into calamari.]
Announcer: And the winner is...Sandy Cheeks!
[The crowd cheers. Sandy is proud that she won the challenge while Squidward feels defeated and broken-down from the games.]
Sandy: Good game, Squidward. [shakes Squidward's hand]
Squidward: Ow, ow, ow.
[SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to them. SpongeBob is in several casts and bandages while Patrick's severed head is on the wheelchair.]
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy! That was amazing!
Patrick: Yeah, I liked the part where you did that thing with the ball and stuff.
Sandy:[laughs] Thanks, boys. Looks like we're all done here. That goes for you too. I'm ending your game.
Patrick:[gulps] But we're still tied.
Sandy: Don't worry, I'm declaring you both winners.