American Dad!: Season: 7 Episode: 02
Klaus: Previously on American Dad…
Hayley: [from letter] "Dear Mom and Dad, "I realized I'm still in love with Jeff Fischer, which is why we've decided to elope.
Stan Smith: [from radio] I'm offering $50,000 to anyone who can stop the wedding.
Bus Driver: Let's go get that reward money, people!
ALL: Yeah! All right!
Klaus: Ouch! After a few twists and turns, Jeff and Hayley outsmarted Stan and eloped anyways with Stan's 50K. Well, you're all up to speed, so just sit back, put down your GED paperwork and enjoy the show, stupid.
Father Donovan: We're here to honor those who died in the tragic bus crash, members of our community we could never possibly forget, like Bobby the Bullet, Koko, Brett, and of course, Clown with Glasses.
Ms. Clown with Glasses: Clown with Glasses!
Ms. Clown with Glasses: You lost someone, too?
Stan: My daughter. Yeah, she ran off and got married and hasn't called us in six weeks. At least you know where your loved one is. Duper? I thought you died in the bus crash.
Duper's Clone: I did, but it turns out the CIA'S been working on this new cloning thing, and here I am!
Stan: You're a a clone?
Duper's Clone: Yup, exactly the same in every way. Except this guy was married to some ugly bitch.
Francine: Maybe it's Hayley.
Roger: No, it's Roger.
Stan: Roger, can I call you back?
Roger: You don't have to. I'm right next to you. You didn't see me setting all this stuff up? Now we're in the same scene. Thanks, Don. I'm done with this. Still broken up about Hayley, huh? Well, don't you worry. I'm gonna find her.
Francine: And bring her back to us?
Roger: No, I'm gonna find her and steal that $50,000 she took from you. And I promise you, I'm gonna spend it all on myself at Burt Longhorn's Western Wear Depot. Look at me. Stan? Stan, look at me. That's a promise. Observation deck, please.
Stan: Honey, what are you doing in here? I thought we agreed not to go in this room.
Francine: Oh, Stan, I just miss Hayley so much. Thought I'd come in and tidy up. Throw away her expired condoms. They're unlubed. She's goodo go. Just like her mother.
Stan: Ugh! We raised a junior college dropout who stole 50 grand from us and eloped with a stoner hippie. Face it, Slick. We've failed as parents, even by Appalachian standards.
Steve: Hi, I'm back from school. I'm gonna watch TV and try to forget about the wedgie I suffered at lunch today. Aah, my butt.
Stan: No TV. You've got homework to do.
Francine: Oh, Stan, he's been in class all day. Let him relax and unwind.
Stan: You're too lenient, Francine. That's probably why Hayley left us.
Excuse me! Homework now! If Hayley left because of anybody, it was you. You're too strict, and you drove her away. TV! Now! Whatever. I got to get a Popsicle on the old starfish. Listen to me. Children need structure and discipline. No. Kids needs space to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Well, there's only one way to settle this. First one across the finish line decides how we raise Steve. Deal. I guess I was wrong about you, Robby. You do have what it takes to be radical. Thanks a lot, Trace. Sorry we bullied you when you moved here from the big city after your dad died. You can ride with us any time. Well, finally, it's our turn. Does this mean I won, or should I keep going? I cannot continue. Yes! We raise Steve my way! I'm from the big city! You're not really going after the $50,000, are you? You have no idea where Hayley is. Patience, fish. To find a stoned loser, I must become a stoned loser. Watch and learn. Not sure this stuff is working. I don't feel any Aah! Aah! Roger? What the hell are you doing in Thailand? Oh, my God! It worked! Thailand, huh? I'd like three Stand up straight! Wipe your glasses! Tuck in your shirt! Stan, you agreed Steve would be raised my way! You're not allowed to be strict with him! I'm not being strict with Steve. Steve's out there. Wha? You won the race, so you can raise Steve however you like. This is a clone I had made at the CIA for me to raise how I like. I'm calling him Steve-arino. Hi, Mom. Pretty great, huh? I also cloned world-famous comedian John Leguizamo. 'Zamo, do an impression. Okay, uh, this is my cousin Keisha from the block. Hey, I'm Keisha from the block. I don't know, John. I don't know anyone like that. Stan, how could you clone Steve?! I was in a pickle. You won the right to raise Steve your way. But my way is far superior. So this was your solution?! What was I supposed to do, welch on a BMX race? Get the BMX people involved? The Counsel of 12? I'm not going before them again! Wow! I have a clone? We should buy matching capes and invent our own creepy language. And do jazz-tap routines! They're identical, right down to their memories and emotions. So from here on, how they turn out is totally based on their upbringing. Cabba lakti-mo? Sheb wawa, sheb wawa! Stan, this is insane! No, it's perfect. You can raise Steve your way, and I'll raise Steve-arino my way. We'll see which one turns out better, and the other one we'll just put down. What?! We'll, we'll figure it out. Boys, come over here. Steve-arino, I'll be parenting you exclusively from now on. There will be a lot of rules, homework and exercise. Aah! But trust me, in time, I'll mold you into a buff, athletic model student. Every boy will want to be you, every girl will want to be inside you. That sounds great! I'll just make a slight adjustment so we can tell you boys apart. What about me, Dad? Steve, your mother will be raising you, which, unfortunately, means that your life will suck worse than Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider. All right, that's it! If you think you're so much better at parenting than me, we'll do your stupid plan. May the best Steve win! Wait. So I don't have to follow any of Dad's rules? That's right, honey. Yeah! I'm gonna go have a garden burger! Maybe it'll turn me gay, maybe it won't. I guess we'll just let fate decide. Beer for the newlyweds. Let's cut to the chase. I'm here to steal your 50 grand. What? Hand it over, or I will set in motion the most brilliant, elegant plan I've ever come up with. No! It's our money, and we're making it last. Yeah, we're gonna use it to start our new life, selling both realistic and unrealistic wolf masks. Very well, then. The plan it is. Myeeeah! Myeeeah! This is your elegant plan? You think I'm gonna give you the money to get you to stop making that noise? Myeeeah! Yes. I'm Myeeeah. Did you want to try paragliding? Ugh! I stayed up until 3:00 playing Night Manager, the most realistic retail-themed video game on the market. Hmm. Sounds productive. We went hiking at dawn this morning. There we are-- egg whites and soy toast for my little achiever. What do I get for breakfast? Anything you want, honey. Uh, okay. How about chocolate chip pancakes? And wine? Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay. The Delta Burke breakfast it is. Put this on, Steve-arino. You start your first day of military school in an hour. Military school?! You want those dividends, don't you? The muscles? The brains? Then you have to trust me. I trust you, Dad. Attaboy. I think I'll take up swearing. And so it begins. Welcome home, Father! We won the big game against Saint John's, and I scored a touchdown! That's great, son! Isn't that great, Francine? Big deal! Like you're so great with your stupid trophy. I have a trophy, too. It's the Spanky Award. That's right. He got it for pulling it 11 times in one day. ghost loads. Father, may I watch television with Steve? No can do, Son. You got an A-minus in Biology. You get that grade up, I'll let you watch a full hour of Fox News or City Council meetings on channel . Great! I'll go hit the books! Face it, Francine. My parenting is superior. In three months, I've turned Steve-arino into an exceptional young man. Meanwhile, you've turned your Steve into Oh, look at that. He's starting a nose-mining company. Steve will find his way. Shut up Mom! Get me chips! Oh, knocking off early. You can do that when you own your own business. Myeeeah! Myeeeah! Myeeeah! I can't take it anymore! Get ahold of yourself! I told you I have a plan. Did you pack your stuff? Good. Things should be getting better right about Now! Aah! So long, sucker. Are you crazy, pushing me in the pool?! I had 40 hits of Ecstasy in my pocket! Buckle up, kids. They're going to have to go to the hospital. This boat is awesome, babe! And we're the only passengers aboard. Myeeeah! Oh, my God! Run! ROGER Myeeeah! Myeeeah! Myeeeah! Steve-arino's gonna be so excited. It's time for his first drug test. Santa Maria! What did you do to Steve-arino's bedroom? Me?! I haven't been off this couch in two weeks! It's my bedroom, my bathroom and my lover. Well, where's Steve-arino? Took off this morning, left a note. "Father, I can no longer tolerate "your oppressive treatment. "I'm leaving and never coming back. "All the best, Steve-arino. "P. S. , I will be dropping the "arino" from my name, as I am not a character from Welcome Back, Kotter. " Ha! You drove him off. Just like you drove Hayley off. I'm the better parent! Oh, my God, it's true. I've failed as a father. You can still be a good dad if you get me some more nachos, fat ass. And don't skimp on the chili peppers! I want my farts to hurt! Weak. Steve, get your feet off the table. - Mom says I don't have to. - Well, I say Mom, Dad's trying to get me to run away like all your other kids! Stan, leave him alone. Steve, I got your lunch. That is, if you want to go to school today. I'll put it in your knapsack. Don't touch that! Good Lord! He mutilates innocent cats. Yes! You raised a monster! Steve-arino only ran away. I'm the better parent! Steve, I don't know what's going on, but I'm here for you. Steve-arino?! Hi, Dad. What? Why are you dressed as Steve? It's simple really. I hated all your rules and wanted Steve's easy life. So, I faked running away and took his place. Check this out. Getting fancy! Great, Stan. You turned your Steve into a cat-killing psychopath. And I have no idea where my Steve Will you stop doing that?! What did you do with Steve?! I got him locked away. I was keeping him alive in case I ever needed some spare body parts, but now that the cat's out of the bag I'm gonna kill him. You little Damn his athleticism! I swear, every time I help someone strengthen their core, it comes back to haunt me. We have to follow him to Steve. How? He's going through the woods. We can't keep up with him on foot. He's heading to Dangerous Jump Pass. Stan! Aah. Radical! He's headed for the old magazine factory. What-what if he finds us? We've taken six flights since we ditched the boat. Okay, there's no way. Myeeeah? Don't you start. No. Myeeeah. It's Myeeeah. Activities Director from Golden Mango Resort. Myeeah! No! Myeeeah! Myeeeah! All right! All right! Take the money! Just, God, stop making that sound! Yes! I told you I'd get the money. Wait, wait. Where'd it all go? We spent it trying to get away from you, you dumbass! Oh. Looks like my work is done here. On to the next grand adventure. Change the backdrop, Don. India! The birthplace of diarrhea. Steve! Welcome to my little refuge. Steve-arino! I'm tired of you bossing me around, Dad. All the running, all the all the studying, all the planning for your Christian camp. I know you want to break ground in 2012, but it's not going to happen! We can't get the permits! Steve-arino, you let Steve go and stop this at once! Stan, being strict is what made him this way in the first place. Look, Steve-arino I know I've been too hard on you. From here on out, I promise to let you do whatever you want, whenever you want. Really? Really. You name it. I want to kill Steve. Okay. Stan! Right, right, right. What a waste. Those were brand- new sneakers. Ho, hey, whoa, hey, they'll fit Steve. Steve! About time! It's 4:00! Where are my I got this one. Steven Smith, I am your mother! If you don't get out of that cage, I will push you back up my clownhole and birth you again and name you my bitch. Now get out of that cage! I guess Steve needs both of our parenting styles to balance him out. You're right. And you know what? We got to stop beating ourselves up over Hayley running off with Jeff. Yeah! Miss me? No! Now, to finish what I started.
Stan: Steve, hit the deck! [Stan shoots a fuel tank, smashing Steve-arino into a warehouse wall] Come on, Steve. Let's go get you those nachos.
Francine: You can eat them after you do your homework.
[Simon the cat (from "Choosy Wives Choose Smith") gets a gun]
Steve-arino: I'll see you in hell.