It's alive! - On three. - Whatever; just aim for my head. One! Two! Wait, "aim for my head"? Just do it, already! Dude, are you okay? You're the first person that's bothered to ask.

(Cuts to a Hogwarts lession)

Prof. McGonnagall: All right, students, spells ready!, Begin! Miss Granger.

Hermione: Orchideous!

Prof. McGonnagall: Mr. Potter.

Harry Potter: Orchideous!

Prof. McGonnagall: Mr. Longbottom.

Neville Longbottom: Orc-- uh... Orc-- uh... Orc-hoo-dious. (Neville's arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat Neville's face)

Prof. McGonnagall: What happened?

Hermione: His spell! He was only off by one syllable!

Prof. McGonnagall: Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful.

(School bell rings, cuts to Snape's lesson)

Snape: Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands.

(The students just look at him and does not do anything)

Snape: Well? What are you waiting for?

Ron: Usually we don't start until you insult Harry.

Snape: Am I so predictable?, Very well. Potter, you fool! (The students start to work)

Ron: Well, bottoms up! (Drinks up the potion he made)

Hermione: Ron, how many drops of Wolfsbane extract did you use?

Ron: Uh, like three? WOAH, AAAAAARGH (His teeth grow very big then smacks out of his mouth, after that, his head explodes, killing him and covering the classroom and Hermione in blood)

Hermione: Professor Snape, what happened?

Snape: He used too much Wolfsbane extract, looks like.

Harry Potter: He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!

Hermione: This spell was supposed to change our eye color!, Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?

Snape: Uh... Potter, you fool.

(Cuts to McGonnagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom)

Prof. McGonnagall: Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines.

(No students are in the classroom)

Snape: Uh... Where are all the students?

(Cuts to an American school)

Harry Potter: Hey... Where's Hermione?

Girl: Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook!

Teacher: Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself.

(All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms)

What can I get y'all to drink? - I'll have a Dasani. - Fiji for me. One Evian, please. I'll take a beer and three new fucking friends, please.

(Betty Crocker walks by a man and a woman)

Woman: *gasp* Oh my gosh. That's Betty Crocker.

(Betty Crocker is shown as well as a spoon that says her name on it)

Betty Crocker: Oh hello, darling.

(Sara Lee is shown as well as a flag that says her name on it)

Sara Lee: How long you gonna keep duckin' me?

Betty Crocker: How long you keep calling that cheesecake tasty, Sara Lee?

(Sara Lee breaks a bottle over her head)

Sara Lee: Hope you saved room for dessert. I got some pipin' hot beat-downs topped with a fresh ass whoopin'!

Betty Crocker: You feelin' hungry? Take a taste. (Betty breaks a rolling pin against her knee)

Sara Lee: Fuck a taste. I want the whole pie!

(Betty Crocker punches Sara Lee before she punches Betty to the ground)

Betty Crocker: Your hits taste like your pound cake. Weak and store bought!

(Sara punches Betty again in the face)

Betty Crocker: Oh. This cake has some layers.

Sara Lee: Be sure to try the crust.

(Sara Lee bashes Betty's head against the ground until she bleeds)

Sara Lee: You like this, cock sucker? Because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee!

Betty Crocker: *mumble*

Sara Lee: What was that, lady fucker?

Betty Crocker: You want Betty Crocker again. Make someone happy.

(Betty burns off Sara Lee's face before she is hit by an ambulance)

(Aunt Jemima is seen with bottles on her fingers)

Aunt Jemima: I was in town, honey. Next time you dance with your old Aunt Jemima.

You're going to have to go get that for me. Have you ever thought about using-- I'm not getting a fucking boomerang, so just drop it! You're terminated! Yeah, that's what I'll say. What?! Wow, look at the gams on her! Now, that's what I call a set of stems! Honey, if you're not a model, you are wasting your life! She's got a look, I'll give you that. But does she have "it"? Oh, you're hired. You're terminated, fucker. That was unduly harsh. Our cleanup efforts from the oil spill continue, but the real problem is capping this oil leak. No, wait, scratch that. The real problem is figuring out how to spend this quarter's profits! I'm sorry, sir! I tried to stop him, but-- Shirley? Never mind, sir. He was actually pretty easy to stop. I just tripped him, and I think he twisted his ankle or something. Are you all right? Just fine. Hang on a second. Okay. Aquaman would like to make an appointment. - Check my book. - Checking, sir. Okay. Mr. Aquaman, is Tuesday after 4:00 P. M. okay for you, or-- Oh, drat. Sorry, sir, this time he really did get past me. Ah, the sub-mariner, I presume? Don't play games with me, you corporate monster! Your oil spill is killing the sea creatures I hold dear! All right. So how can I help you? You can go to jail, you scum! Well, the federal courts already assessed a fine, which we paid. You-- You can go to jail anyway! But the case is settled. Oh. So are you, uh, here to kick my ass or? Yes! Maybe! Well, probably not, no. So I'm not going to jail, you're not going to kick my ass, - and I already paid the fine. - You killed a lot of sea life. I did. I'm sorry. Good news, everybody. The oil company paid a fine! To who? Um You want me to find out? Ohh, can you maybe suck up all this oil since you suck so fucking hard? Was that rhetorical or do you want me to-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my gosh! Ow! That does-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Get ready for the sweet release!

[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]

Lumiere: (sung) So you're dining with a beast
That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.
Cogsworth: Let us handle reservations
Give your taste buds a sensation!
[A chamber pot appears, butting into the song]
Chamber Pot: Have your fill, eat more still, There's no need to slow your pace.
After dinner, you'll be thinner once you sit down on my face.
Lumiere: [pushes Chamber Pot away] So have seconds, eat a lot-
Chamber Pot: Then come meet your chamber pooooooot...
Lumiere: [speaking, as music stops completely] We are trying to serve dinner here!
Chamber Pot: What? Defecacchi doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacchi didn't asked to be a chamber pot!
Lumiere: None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!
Chamber Pot: So Defecacchi only useful after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-
Lumiere: [angrily] I said, people are EATING!
Chamber Pot: [bounding away, muttering] Oh, porca miseria...
Lumiere: OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch, and-- Belle? Where did Belle go?
[Cuts away to Belle crapping into the Chamber Pot]
Chamber Pot: (sung) Ring the bell, sound the horn!
Looks like someone's eating corn.
Belle: [in disgust] Does everything have to be a f**king song?!

(A man is humming, someone is knocking on the door, he opens it)

DELLA: Oh, hi there, I'm Della!

PHILLIPSON: Yes oh yes, come in! (Chuckles)

DELLA: I’ll be right out. (Disappears behind a door)

DELLA: I like to take care of business up front.

(The man starts to take his clothers off)

PHILLIPSON: Oh, Ok, How much for half and half?

DELLA: Oh (giggles), somebody has done this before.

PHILLIPSON: No, I- I just read about it on the Internet.

DELLA: Just put $300 on the nightstand.

(Della comes out and reveals her to be a duck)

DELLA: Let’s party!

(Music stops)

PHILLIPSON: Holy FUCK, you’re a duck?!

DELLA: That’s right baby, why don’t you ruffle my feathers?

PHILLIPSON: Why are you a duck?! Oh my god!

DELLA: (Giggles): I am what you ordered.

PHILLIPSON: I did NOT order a duck!

DELLA: I’m not sure how they misunderstand that request.

PHILLIPSON: Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cellphone connection.

DELLA: Ok, fine, but you still have to pay me for my time.

MAN: Oh, I don’t know why I have to pay, for not fucking a cartoon duck, normally not fucking a fucking duck is fucking free.

DELLA: (sighs) (On a cellphone): We have a problem here.

MAN: Who are you- {C

(Stedman enters)

STEDMAN: We got some sort of problem?

PHILLIPSON: Look, I-I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end.

STEDMAN: Just pay the duck .

PHILLIPSON: No, It’s not fair, I should not have to pay

(Stedman smashes Phillipson into a wall)

DELLA: Whip his ass Desmond, whip his ass!

(Police officer enters)

POLICE OFFICER: Mr. Phillipson, what's all the commotion? Whoa, stop! Security!

(Stedman points a gun at Della's head)

STEDMAN: You got a gun, I got a gun.


POLICE OFFICER: L-Let's all just relax.

STEDMAN: You relax!

(Stedman shoots with his gun and injuries the police officer and kills Philipsson. The injuried police officer shoots at Stedman but Stedman kills the police officer, he and Della then fight over his gun)

STEDMAN: Hey, get off of my gun, bitch!

(Della accidently kills Stedman with the gun and gets covered in blood in the process)

SINGER: Duck, duck, duck, duck party, Hoo-hoo-hoo.

(Two cops arrives and point their gun at Della, who points her gun at them)


(She starts to shoot at the cops, but the cops' shots injure her. She screams and falls to her death from the balcony and her corpse lands on a car. Then cut to Donald Duck's house.)

HUEY: Uncle Donald?

DONALD DUCK: Huh, what?

HUEY: We said, when can we go home?

LOUIE: Gee, Uncle Donald, we really miss our mom.

DEWEY: Yeah, when can we see her again?

DONALD DUCK: Aww, I don’t know boys. I just don’t know

(Camera zooms out from window, then cut to credits)

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