Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Roger, you've been mixing that eggnog for an hour. Just pour it in your *** cup and drink it! It's almost ready. Just need to do the final test. Perfect. Look at this! Father Donovan's putting on a Christmas play at the mall! They're doing the entire life of Jesus From baby Jesus to awkward teenager Jesus with a wispy Christache, to the mature and ready-to-suffer Jesus we all know and love. Are you going to audition? Audition? Francine, I'm the most devout member of the church. Obviously, I'm doing the most important role: Christ at the crucifixion. When it comes to Christianity, that's pretty much your money shot. Christianity My favorite deadbeat Dad story. Check it God fathers this kid and then disappears. And then, when the kid becomes famous, God wants him to come live with him. Exact same thing happened to Shaq. He did a rap about it called, "my biological didn't bother." My religion is the very foundation of who I am and I won't have you disrespecting it! You you have a-a pimple coming in under the skin on your nose. I would say it's got two weeks before it reaches its apex. You better gear up. Is everything okay, Jeff? You cried a lot more than usual during sex this morning. Sorry, babe, I have a lot on my mind. I've been thinking a lot and I think we should have a baby. What? Yeah, we have so much love to give. Plus, sometimes I feel broken inside and having a baby fixes everything. Jeff, I don't want to have kids. I have no maternal instincts. I only have animal instincts Eating, pooping, lying down before it rains. Morning, Father. I know you want me to portray Jesus on the cross, and I hereby officially accept. Oh, Stan, you can't play Jesus. What do you mean? I'm the most devout member of your flock. Portraying Jesus has nothing to do with religious devotion. It's all about the abs. What?! You're too fat. Look at any crucifix. Jesus is always shredded. I'm a perfect Jesus! Look! Well, that's just great! Now what am I supposed to burn on my ethnic neighbor's lawn? Look, you can't be Jesus. But I got something even better. Fireman Jesus? No. Santa Claus. Aw Come on. He's jolly, he employs midgets, he's real. Look, these Bratz dolls Last year he gave them to me, for free. Okay. Attaboy. Hard to believe this is the suit Earl died in. Um wha What is that? Don't be mad. It's just I wanted a kid so bad, and I saw this orphanage and Hayley, meet our son. I named him after my favorite character in literature, Nemo From the novelization of the film Finding Nemo. You adopted a child without asking me?! I have grandchildren?! Oh, my God, I can't believe it! I thought my only chance was if Steve got *** by a confused lesbian! This is crazy! Jeff, take that kid back right now! No! I want a son to carry on my legacy My Subaru legacy. Adoption takes years. How did you get a kid so fast? I don't know End-of-month clearance? They seemed real happy to get rid of him. Maybe there's something wrong with him. Aw, look, babe. He's smiling at you. Well, tell him to stop. Leave me alone, baby! You're my baby! You're my baby, and I love you so much! Oh, God! Who's that? We're grandparents! Steve was *** by a confused lesbian? Okay, what do you want, little boy? Um, let me think about it. Hey, you're not a child. Don't worry about it. You can't be here. Come on, man, I waited in line. Let me just sit here for a minute. Get off me! No, I'm almost done, man. Almost done with what? Don't worry about it. The Christmas play. I want to see this Jesus. Good lord! Yes, my son? Roger! What are you doing?! Well, you were talking so much about this, it sounded like fun. It's not, but it was a good excuse to work on my abs. And my savior bulge. This is sacrilege! You have no respect for this religion! Hey, could you take it down a notch? You're ruining my buzz. You're drunk?! Hell yeah, man. That's it! You're ugly. Oh, Hayley, stop! Yo ***-crying is going to be in the background of this entire video. But I love him so much! Oh, my God, what happened to you? I sat next to Courtney love on the bus and she sneezed. Uh guys? when a deranged mall Santa suddenly attacked the church volunteer portraying Jesus. It's not what it looks like! I was defending Christmas! I was defending Jesus! Santa continued the assault while shouting anti-jesuslurs. You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual! Are you watching this? I wasn't slurring Jesus, I was talking about Roger! This just in: The assailant has now been identified as Oh, for God's sake Stan Smith of Langley falls. Yello? Dad, it's Father Donovan. He sounds punitive. Look, Stan, I actually think what you did was really, really funny. But Christian leaders around the world saw you on TV, and they've been chewing my *** off nonstop. I'm sorry, Stan, but I'm going to have to kick you out. I can't go to your church anymore? No, Stan, you're kicked out of Christianity. You can't go into any church. No! Well, there must be some way to get back in! Well, there are three, but they're tough: You'd have to find the holy grail or kill the antichrist or donate ten million dollars to charity That's how Jared from subway got back in. I can't do any of those things! I'm sorry, Stan, there's nothing I can do. You are officially excommunicated. Turn in your badge. Uh, wait, Stan! Should I grow a mustache? What, uh what do hookers like? That punch, right there. That's the punch where everything went black and I was finally able to achieve ***. Oh I've been excommunicated. What?! A man without his religion is Nothing. Dad, if religion's so important to you, why don't you just find another one? You mean change religions? Sure, people do it all the time. Muhammad Ali changed religions and became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I don't want another religion, I want my religion. I know, honey, but the thing is, you already kind of screwed yourself there. Good-bye, amusing religious Tchotchkes. I'll especially miss you, Christ-in-the-box. Hello, buddy. You're sad for grandpa, too. Come here, good boy! He's the antichrist! Stan, you need to cheer up. Here, have some caramel corn. I made it just for you. No, Trevor, we didn't re-gift your popcorn! It was just here yesterday I don't know where it went. You know what? You guys are worse than Connor! Forget the caramel corn. This is fantastic! I can become a Christian again! All I have to do is
- my grandson!
It says six-six-six. He's the antichrist! You have to be absolutely positive the toddler is the antichrist before you kill it. Boy, I have learned that the hard way. We could go to the orphanage, check his files. Maybe they'll tell us where he came from. That was the worst caroling I've ever done. But some of my best tagging. Jeff, I need you to take us to the orphanage where you got Nemo. I'm trying to prove he's the antichrist, so I can kill him. Okay. While you're there, give the cutest one this. And give the ugliest one this. You're coming with us, Roger. You got me into this mess, you're gonna help get me out of it. If I'm to go anywhere, I need to How do I put this? Wipe. Better. Yep, the whole place went up in flames last Friday. The day after Jeff adopted Nemo. And the day before I had my cholesterol checked. My LDL was high. My HDL was also high, but that's good. Split up. Look for anything that can tell us more about Nemo. Stan, meet me out front! I found something so important it's crazy! Father Donovan! I can't feel my legs. Are they okay? They're fine, you're good. You were right, Stan. Nemo is the son of Satan, born of a jackal. Oh, my God, Nemo! It's "omen" spelled backwards! He is the antichrist! But you picked the name "Nemo." That that doesn't make any sense. Nemo will find his way to political power and destroy the world. You must get the sacred daggers of Tel Megiddo from the Vatican. Only they can kill the son of Satan. Are you sure? Yes. I read it on Wikipedia. I also read that, before making it big, Jon Bon Jovi toiled in a women's shoe store and fronted a band called John Bon Jovi and the wild ones. Father Donovan! We have to get to the Vatican and make sure he didn't die in vain. Before joining Bon Jovi in 1983, drummer Tico Torres toured with a variety of performers, including Chuck Berry and Kenny Loggins. Come on! Steve! Hey, Dad. So I went to Dr. Smid, and he confirmed that my vision is getting worse. It had plateaued at seven diopters, but now Nemo is the antichrist! But now it looks like it's at nine diop We're flying to the Vatican to get sacred daggers to kill him. Keep an eye on that kid, and be careful. Nemo! Oh, I didn't know you were I live to serve thee, oh, Prince of the Sulphury void. Hey, Steve, did I leave my swim trunks I'll come back later! We have to find the daggers of Tel Meggido so we can kill Nemo. Can we go? I'm thirsty. I read that most of the ancient artifacts are down in the catacombs. We have to You a-no enter. Damn it, this is my only chance to be a Christian again! Roger, you have to go in there and get the daggers for me. But I don't wanna. Hey! You know how you like to do different characters? Well, why don't you try y one who's really excited about helping me? You mean a persona that's on board and enthusiastic? You want Roland Chang. Super positive Asian. Let's go! This is the most important thing ever! You wait here, Jeff and I will get the daggers! Enjoy-a your visit. How good are meatballs? Okay, these are the catacombs. Look for anything that could be seven sacred daggers. Or any empty boxes. My friend Forrest is moving and he needs boxes. Jeff, you don't do coke, do you? Cool. Me neither. Look out! Jeff! What? Oh, good, you're all here. I hate to break it to you, but you have a moisture problem in your vents. Now, I can give you an estimate for the work based on hiyaah! Come on, go, go, go, we got the daggers, Jeff died, run, run, run! Mene mene tekel. Satana satana. Mom, Steve's acting weird again. Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language. Stan? Where have you been? Wha didn't you get my message? What message? Mene mene tekel. Steve! Don't bother. He's been a pill all day. What's going on, Dad? Nemo is the antichrist. He killed Father Donovan, and now we have to stab him with sacred daggers. Oh, and Jeff died. Jeff is dead?! Nemo turned Steve into an apostate of Satan! He's probably just hungry. Steve, I just did a big trader Joe's run. Pour yourself some unsweetened cherry juice, maybe have it with some sunflower paste on a flax crisp. There's also a scallop Shu Mai that tastes like nothing and a mushroom flatbread pizza that smells like nut sack. Oh, my God! See? Nemo's the son of Satan. We have to destroy him! No! He is my child! You're not getting past super positive Asian Roland Chang. Hiyah! Demon grab! Oh, honey, I forgot to tell you, Martha invited us to The hell spawn must die! I won't let you kill him! Mene mene tekel! Mene mene satana satana! Now is your chance to destroy those figurines you hate. Oh, no, Greg! They broke the figurines! Don't touch my Satan baby! Hell hound! Clancy? Clancy? You okay, boy? Hello? I'm looking for my service dog. Are there people here? Any help at all would be greatly appreciated. I kind of feel like I can hear people breathing. No? I'm just talking to myself here? Oh, okay. Well, I guess if I stick to the sidewalk, I'll be fine. Mene mene! Ah! Mene mene! Mene mene! Now let's kill this baby, together! Forgive me! Ah! You dumb son of a! No, that's not who Roland is. Hey, you're doing great! Stop! I'll shoot you, Dad, I swear! Dad, you're awake! Steve you're not an apostate of Satan anymore. Yeah! Aside from the vivid nightmares steadily pushing me towards madness, I feel great! Jeff?! I thought you drowned. Nope. All right. Oh my God, where's Nemo? Did I kill him? Did I kill the antichrist? No, Dad. So I failed. I'm not back in the church. No, I got you back in. You know my *** cup that I sip purple drink and eggnog out of? - Turns out it's the holy grail. - Nice. But what about Nemo? We have to destroy him. I can't let you do that, Dad, so I sent him someplace far away, where you'll never find him. Nemo will find his way to political power and destroy the world! Oh, good night there, you little blessing, you. Pretty soon, we'll all be sleeping in the white house. Mrs. Palin, your new issue of Highlights magazine has arrived. Ooh! I'll see you again, Stan Smith! When the rapture comes! Baby antichrist says, "blessings to you and yours on this most joyous of holiday seasons."