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Shopwell's - Day Edit
Narrator: Long ago, a beautiful supermarket called Shopwell's stood in the town. Inside the supermarket lived a bunch of groceries sleeping on their shelves. Frank, one of the groceries, noticed the shoppers entering the supermarket. And he said...
Frank (noticing the shoppers entering the Shopwell's): Uh-oh. Carl! Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl! Dude, we slept in again! The song's about to start!
Carl: Oh my gosh, Frank! We can't miss the song. Barry, wake up!
Barry: What? What? I'm up. I'm up.
Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.
Carl: It's a just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.
Barry: Gosh, I love them so very much!
Frank: Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Corn's about to start singing! Drop it, Corn! You got the best voice!
Carl: You're the man, Corn! You freaking rule! Take it away, bro!
Corn: Dear Gods... you're so divine in each and every way, to you we pray.
Cabbage: Dear Gods... we pledge our love to you, forever more.
Caramel Corn Chips: We always felt we had a special bond.
Lollipop: Take us to the Great Beyond.
Multiple food: Where we're sure
Nothing bad happens to food
Cheese: Once we're out the sliding doors
Things will all be grand
Milk: We will live our dreams together in the Promised Land!
Potato chips: The gods control our fate
So we all know we're in good hands
Fruit: We're super sure there's nothing scary
Waiting for us in the Great Beyond
Sodas: And every aisle
Thinks something different
Honey Mustard: Holy cow, I've been chosen! (laughs)
Multiple foods: But to this we all agree
Honey Mustard: Booyah, melon farmers, I'm out of here!
Country Cider: Everyone else is freakin' stupid
Except for those who think like me
Cookies: And me!
Peppers: And me!
Teriyaki Sauce: And me!
Soy Sauce: Out there, for all eternity we'll meditate. How freaking great!
Earl Grey Teabags: Out there, we'll get to tea-bag every day at 4! Pip! Pip!
Greek Olives: We'll shove pimentos up our holes, by Zeus!
Sauerkraut: We'll exterminate the juice
Und subjugate the whole darn Great Beyond
Sausages: In here we keep our wieners in our packages.
That's how it is
Buns: It sucks
But that's the way
Our buns keep fresh and pure
Sausages: But once we're out the doors
It's not a sin
Buns: For us to let you
Slip it in
Sausages: In other words, We finally get to party,
Buns: and love,
Sausages: and talk,
Buns: and hug,
Sausages: and dance,
Buns: and feel,
Sausages: and sing,
Buns: and share.
Rye Bread: The gods will always care for us!
Boxes: They won't squeeze us out their butts.
Multiple foods: We cannot overstate
How confident we are that our beliefs are accurate
And nothing awful happens to us In the Great Beyond!
Honey Mustard: Kiss my brownish-yellow butt! I'm going to the Great Beyond! So long, my friends! Goodbye!
Cashier: We need an extra cashier to the front, please.
Frank: Boo and yah, melon farmers. Red, White and Blue Day is tomorrow!
Carl: Dudes, basically every single sausage gets chosen on Red, White and Blue Day.
Frank: By this time tomorrow, we're all gonna be 5 inches deep in some bun, son. Ba-bam!
Barry: Oh, my Gosh, yes.
Troy: (Chuckles) More like 3 inches deep for Barry, you deformed nerd.
Barry: (Laughs sarcastically) Troy, that's funny. You see, this is why I can't wait for the Great Beyond. We'll all be equal, and then jerks like Troy won't be picking on me all the time... on account of my abnormality.
Troy: Whatever, Barry. You're different, and that makes you weird.
Frank: Ignore him, Barry. He's full of slop. And don't forget, you've got girth. That's way more important than length. You're a happy champ, you.
Barry: You know, I am girthy. I could fill a bun. They'll know I'm there. I'm sure there's some kind of smushed bun out there waiting for me.
(Food screams, Frank, Barry, Carl, Troy and other sausages looks at him)
Frank: Oh no, it's the Dark Lord!
Narrator: Frank cried.
Carl: Oh no, he's coming!
Narrator: Darren grabbed one of Jerry's Bavarian Sausages and throws it out in the trash.
Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh! I swear! I'm still fresh! (screaming)
Carl: Did he see us?
Frank: No way!
Troy: We're crabbed, bros!
Barry: Oh, god, no!
Carl: Take anyone but us, please!
(Darren takes the wrong sausages)
Sausage #1: Oh, no!
Sausage #2: No!
Sausage #3: No!
Sausage #4: No!
Sausage #5: Why us?!
Darren: (sees his expiration date: July 2) Err, screw you, weenies. (tosses the package into the trash, sighs) God, I hate this job!
Carl: Ah, phew. You okay? Everyone okay?
Frank: Man, That's super crabbed up about Bill and those guys. I mean, they stayed in their package, followed all the guidelines of the song. What do they get for it?
Barry: We're not supposed to understand the will of the gods, Frank. They work in mysterious ways.
Frank: I'm just saying since we base our lives on the song, it might be nice if there was some proof.
Carl: Proof? All the proof you need is right in front of you. (turns to buns) Look at these big old buns. (whistles) Yeah! You know it, baby. Work those buns! All of you. All day, "err" day. Lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat.
Brenda: Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns will line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that: "Oh, is he in there yet? I can't feel him. I don't think he's in there. Oh, wait. He is."
It's so sad. I bet you jackrabbit for a quick 15 seconds. You're like; And then you slump over. (Carl glares at her) I mean, honestly, guys... who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them? (One of the buns raises her hand) Huh? Roberta, put your freaking hand down. You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.
Carl: Hey, dude. I don't know how to say this to you gently, but your girlfriend, um... she's a big jerk.
Frank: Shut up! She's fresh as wine and you know it.
Carl: I don't know why you're limiting yourself to one bun. There's plenty of buns.
Frank: Because, I believe in bun-ogomy. I'm a bun-ogamist. And when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep. And the answer is: As soon as we get to the Great Beyond, and as deep as she'll let me. I'm gonna talk to her. (Narrator: So, Frank turned to Brenda.) Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? (chuckles) Sorry about those guys. Such freaking jerks, right?
Narrator: Asked Frank.
Carl: Uh, I can hear you, dude.
Frank: (turns to Carl) Shut up! Not you. (turns back to Brenda) So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? (chuckles) You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because we belong together.
Brenda: It's like we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait to finally just get up in there. Just raw-dog it. But, full disclosure, I'm pretty nervous about this. I don't know how well I'll perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun before, so...
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet bunny-bun. Look, okay, I know it's against the rules, but I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty.
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no, no.
Narrator: Frank and Brenda tried to touch their tips, and... they did.
Frank: Oh, yeah, go in. Put it in there.
Brenda: Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
Narrator: Meanwhile, A customer with a honey mustard came to cashier.
Speaker: Management to Cash 5. Management to Cash 5.
Customer: Excuse me, I meant to buy a normal mustard and when I got home, I realized I bought honey mustard. Is it cool if I just go swap it?
Cashier: I don't care if you swap products, homeboy.
(A customer puts Honey Mustard back to the shelves and grabs the other honey mustard)
Ketchup: Holy crap! You're back, man. Crazy! Did you go to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: (shaken and irrational) Don't touch me, man! Ketchup, get your filthy hands off me.
Ketchup: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened?
Honey Mustard: (hysterical) Oh, I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you exactly what happened in the Great Beyond, you dumb, red piece of dirt!
Ketchup: What the.....?!
Honey Mustard: As soon as we got out those doors... (He hears a eagle call and looked up to see an Indian Native-esque liquor named Firewater stood among plants on the aisle)
Firewater: So, you have learned the terrible truth? Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I will slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
Honey Mustard: Oh, my God! Did you guys just hear that?
Ketchup: What? What are you looking at? (sees that Firewater is vanished upon glancing where the liquor supposedly stood at)
Honey Mustard: He's gone.
Narrator: Said Honey Mustard.
Honey Mustard: Where the hell did he go? I'm so messed up. (sobs) I'm so messed up. (Ketchup tries to touch Honey Mustard) Ketchup, get the hell off of me. Nobody freaking touch me!
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store is closing in five minutes. Get out!
Narrator: Frank noticed that the lady with the wagon came by.
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, look at this. We’ve got one. Stand up straight, boys!
Sausages: Hey! Over here! Choose us!
Potato: We're chosen!
Frank: Pick us! Pick our package!
(Camille Toh tries to pick the sausages, Frank notices Brenda)
(She puts in the wagon)
Barry: Oh, man. I'm freaking out. My heart's racing. I'm having an out-of-sausage experience. Yes!
Brenda: Choose us! Look at us!
Frank: Oh, please, god.
Brenda: Choose us. Look at us! (Camille Toh tried to pick the buns, then put it in the wagon) Oh, yes!
Frank: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Brenda: Yes! Frank, we've been chosen together.
Frank: Freakin’ A! Yeah!
Brenda: This is so cool!
Food: I'm chosen! I got chosen!
Food #2: Going to the Promised Land!
Food #3: I'm on my way!
Narrator: Camille Toh saw that douche, and then she grabbed him and put him in the wagon.
Douche: Yo! Oh, hell, yeah, dude. Somebody call a doctor because, honestly, this beat is sick.
Beet: Actually, I feel great. Real healthy.
Douche: Not you! The beat, the song, bro. Oh, shoot, Chips!
Douche: C-H-I-P-S, Chips, Chips, Chips! I've known you forever. I would never disrespect you with a lie. I will tell you very much that you look freakin’ disgusting, bro.
Chips: Oh, come on.
Douche: No, I'm just messing with you, bro. But for reals? You gotta hit the gym, bro. Oh, what's up? Yo, are you pink all the way through?
Cocktail Mixer: Eww.
Douche: (laughs) I'm with you, but also serious. Is there a different color inside?
Cocktail Mixer: (grunts) What are you, even?
Douche: What do you mean, what am I, dude? I'm a freakin’ douche! You know how long I've been waiting up in here, Monday to Fridays? I was starting to worry the gods didn't want douches no more, but look at her. (gazing at Camille's groin) She's a super 10, bro. The G-O-D is D-T-D... dude. Down to douche.
Camille Toh: Lavash, sausages... Oh, honey mustard.
Narrator: Camille Toh, one of the shoppers, grabbed Honey Mustard, and put him into the shopping cart.
Honey Mustard: (hysterical) What? No. This can't be happening. Not again. Oh, Cheeze, not to me. Get your hands off of me! Get off of me!
Beer: Crazy weirdo!
Cocktail Mixer: Back off!
Honey Mustard: You don't even know what you're celebrating. You're celebrating your doom! Wake up! They're lying in front of your faces! THE GREAT BEYOND IS ALL LIES! (The food groceries gasps) Why isn't anybody listening to me?!
Frank: Hey. Buddy, are you all right?
Honey Mustard: No! I'm not all right, It's all a lie! Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.
Carl: Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: (disgusted) Carl, we shouldn't be talking to this weirdo. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. What is he? Honey? ls he mustard? Like, make up your mind or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You freaking idiots! I've been there, I've seen that crap and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You've been to the Great Beyond?
Narrator: Frank asked, then Honey Mustard said...
Honey Mustard: "Great" my hellhole! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of crap, messing off in front of our faces, covering our eyes with their blood, so blood-covered we can't even see! We don't know! We don't know, they're messing off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: (yelling) Dude, shut up! The gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods! They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. (double screws off Camille who doesn't notice him anyway) CURSE YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
(Honey Mustard prepares to falls off the cart)
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Just chill, just get down from the freaking... (screams as he desperately tore himself out of the package and grabs Honey Mustard's legs at the last moments, but unable to hoist either of them)
Carl: Oh, great! He's out of the package!
Frank: Barry, help!
Barry: Oh, fudge, Carl, what do we do?
Carl: I don't know! I can't reach him. I'm giving it everything I have.
Hot Dog Bun: (seeing Brenda performing the same) Brenda. Oh, my God! Brenda's out of the package!
Brenda: I got ya! Hold on! Hold on!
Frank: I can't hold on! My little glove! It's slipping off!
Honey Mustard: Look at you, following all their rules. You have no idea what's coming.
Frank: What is that in reference to? What's coming? Be more specific, please!
Honey Mustard: You want proof? Talk to Firewater. That moron bottle of booze seems to know what's going on.
(The shopping cart jerked a little, causing Frank accidentally let's go of Honey Mustard)
(Honey Mustard laughs maniacally before landed on the floor, died instantly)
Plums: Oh, my God. Did you see that?
(Another costumer crashed his shopping cart with Camille Toh Shopping cart.)
Lavash: (his package inevitably torn off by the impact before fell to the floor below) Donkey weirdo!
Floor of Shopwell's - Afternoon Edit
(The impact violently thrown unfortunate foods of the cart with a sack of flour explodes upon impact, covering everything in fog of flour. When Frank wakes up, he greeted by chaotic sight which evoke the horrible trench field of Omaha Beach from Saving Private Ryan, with many groceries killed and some greatly injured)
Douche: Oh, no. Bro! Douche down! I'm out of my box!
Chicken noodle soup: Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
Peanut Butter: (trying to waking up his jelly love) Wake up! I'm nothing without you!
Brenda: Get up! We gotta go!
Brenda: Frank! We have to get out of here! (She, Frank, Kareem, Sammy, Douche and other foods sees a shopping cart) Help!
Chips: Oh my God!
(They running off from the shopping cart)
Brenda: Frank, run!
Chips: I can't!
Douche: Come on, Chips! It's you and me, bro!↵Gotta use your cardio, bro! Come on! Pump those legs!
(Chips has been popped by the cart, releasing chips everywhere as if they were bullets. Two Marshmallows where shredded by the potato chips. Chocolate Milk Carton was Sliced open with the potato chips, the milk bleeding out. Two Grapes was hit with a potato chip, one sliced in half, one hit in the face.)
Lavash: Oh, my God!
Frank: Look out! Get to the wall!
Camille Toh: Hey. Sorry, I accidentally dropped a few things back there. Except for that douche. I don't know whose that is.
Darren: (turns on intercom) Clean up on Aisle 2. This lady dropped a douche.
Camille Toh: Oh! Thank you. (chuckles)
Barry: Oh, no. Frank! No, no, no, Oh, no. Frank.
Troy: Well, Barry, I guess now you're weird and a pansy. Add that to your list of accomplishments. (They all laugh except Carl)
Douche: No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! I could still... (seeing Camille exited Shopwell's and the door shuts) get up in there. Oh, my god. My nozz! My beautiful nozz!
Frank: You okay?
Brenda: I think so.
Douche: You! Did you two do this to me? Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly messed up?
Frank: Whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. You should be happy you're alive.
Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off. Peanut Butter's wife is dead. Look at him. He's right there.
Douche: You think I give a damn about PB or J? Screw this. I'm gonna kick your booty. How you like them apples?
Apples: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bros.
Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then, guess who's coming at you? ...ME!
(Douche roaring, charging at them)
Brenda: Look out!
(Frank and Brenda jumps out, Darren sweeps up Douche with a broom, puts in the garbage)
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store's closed.
Frank: You saved me!
Brenda: Well, yeah. Had to do something.
Frank: I can't believe you got out of your package. You would have gone to the Great Beyond. You'd be there right now.
Brenda: There is no Great Beyond without you, Frank.
Frank: Well, according to Honey Mustard, there might not be a Great Beyond at all.
Brenda: Frank, don't say that!
Frank: Did you hear what he said?
Brenda: Yeah, yeah, I heard him talking about the gods...all over our faces and then I saw him die. Oh, no. What if the gods are doing this to us? Because, we touched tips!
Frank: What? No! There's no way.
Brenda: "Just the tips." What were we thinking? (sighs) It wasn't even that... I mean, it was fine. It's not like anyone writes home and says "Oh, God, I had the best tip."
Lavash: Get away from me!
Sammy: Aw, don't.
Lavash: Don't touch me! It was you, You bloodsucking bagel idiot!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey! Watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart. No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed you? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda. Even that I didn't push, you know. I pretty much passive-aggressively nudge. I reached out in a panic. It was toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me.
Brenda: I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is yours, then, huh?
Frank: I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did. And now you and your stupid, useless bun have ruined us all.
Brenda: Hey, who you calling useless, you flappy bird?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel, Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this hellhole over here.
Brenda: Hi, I'm Brenda. Brenda Bunsen.
Lavash: Oh, wow. Really? Well, screw all of you! I am Kareem Abdul Lavash! And what I currently care about is that I have been... completely and utterly screwed out of being in the Great Beyond. I am to have 77 bottles of extra-virgin olive oil... waiting for me. I am destined to soak up their sweet juices... as they dribble down my flaps.
Brenda: Okay. Look, guys, here's what I'm thinking. We hurry back to our aisles. We sneak into another package and still be fresh enough to get chosen.
Frank: Okay, let's climb to the top of the shelf here. And... then we'll get a lay of the land... and we'll figure out where we're going. Come on.
Lavash: As long as the bagel stays away from me, I accept.
Sammy: Oh, believe me, idiot, I'll keep my distance.
Act 2 Edit
Shopwells' Storage - Night Edit
(Douche comes out of the garbage box)
Douche: Oh! No disrespect, but you look gross, bro. Look at you. Stupid bent-butt, busted-butt nozz. Oh, great. You're leaking all your juice out. Can I ask you a question, me? Why would a god let you up in her smooth, perfect sliz... when you can't even squirt? You got nothing to squirt! I got no purpose. I'm nothing! Oh, God.
Juice box: Is someone there? Help me, someone. Help me. Help me. Help.
Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh, bro? And right out of your dingle. That sucks, right?
Juice box: Dying. So cold.
Douche: Oh. Uh-oh. Light bulb.
Douche: No, not you, dummy. I think I might be forming some beginnings... of what could be the flower that blossoms into an idea. If you ever tell anyone about this, I'm gonna deny it, bro. Man. This is some next-level, dude. You like that? I'm juicing up! I'm like a full-on juice head now, bro. I got a new purpose now. Revenge! Where's that freaking sausage? Because this douche is DTMSU. Down to mess a sausage up! I'm coming for you!
Lavash: First you come into our aisle and occupy more and more shelf space. You even have settlements now on the west shelf that you claim as your own.
Sammy: Oh, look, it's not our fault we needed a homeland. The sauerkraut kicked us out of every decent aisle. They tried to send us to the barbeque section, for God's sake. We were displaced.
Lavash: Don't you talk to me about displacement! My good friend Tabouli was ousted from his shelf just to make room for that braided idiot, Challah.
Sammy: Wow, I can't... Frank, Brenda, come on, are you guys gonna weigh in here? I mean, whose side are you on? This isn't just about me. I mean, first they come for the bagels...
Frank: I don't know. Isn't there room for both of you? It seems like a pretty big aisle.
Sammy: [laughs] Yeah. Both, sure.
Lavash: [laughs] What a dumb sausage! Like we can coexist!
Sammy: That's good material.
Lavash: Room for both of us!
Frank: Holy cow.
Brenda: Holy fishsticks. We are "ray-ray" far from home.
Frank: Liquor aisle. Firewater. From here, it seems like the best route is probably to go through the liquor aisle. So shall we?
Brenda: What? It kind of seems out of the way. Are you sure?
Frank: Yeah. Totally sure.
Brenda: Okay, because the way you're saying it doesn't sound like you're too confident.
Frank: Oh. Uh, yeah, trust me.
Brenda: Oh, okay, there we go.
Human-Free Section of Shopwell's - Night Edit
Butzy Minzer: Who wants to dance now!
Moose Can: Come on, let's rock!
Frank: Holy jeez. Look at this place. It's freaking crazy!
Brenda: Are you seeing this? They're all out of their packages. What are they doing?
Lavash: This is a place of unparalleled sin!
Cans of EH: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Didn't see you there. Sorry.
Brenda: Don't mind me. Just minding my own business. Just passing through.
Jamaican Rum: Hey, bun! Welcome to the aisle. Wanna dance?
Brenda: No, thank you, man. I'm quite irie... just being left alone over here, don't you know? Oh, boy. That was Irish.
Frank: Holy cow! What a crazy coincidence! This is Firewater's cave! This is what Honey Mustard was talking about. We should go in while we're here.
Brenda: Okay, yeah, great. You go do that. I'll just be out here dry-humping this 40-ouncer. Not! Yeah, I said "not." That's how serious I am, Frank. We can't screw the gods off any more than we already have.
Frank: Okay, I totally get you don't wanna go in there. I'll tell you what. I'll go in super-duper fast, in and out, I'll be five minutes.
Brenda: (sighs) Fine. Five minutes. Be fast. And careful. But, Mostly fast. We have to go.
Frank: Thank you. You're the best. I'll meet you at the end of the aisle.
Cans of EH: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Int. Firewater's Cave - Night Edit
Narrator: Frank enters Firewater's cave alone, and sees Firewater sat in front of a bonfire in dignity and worked on a ritual.
Firewater: (chanting) Hiya, how are ya? Hiya, how are ya? Hiya, how are ya?
Frank: Hiya. How are ya? I'm Frank. Are you Firewater?
Firewater: (stop chanting and noticing the sausage's presence before nods) Mm-hm.
Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
Firewater: (Makes hand gestures which relate to what he tells Frank) I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle. Majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of crackers!
Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. (putting a serious face) Okay, anyway, look. I was told that you might have some answers?
Firewater: Answers I have. But first... (Grabs salt off of Salt Shaker's head and tosses it into his bonfire, causing a gust of smoke to explode into a giant question mark) I must know the question.
Frank: Okay. Well, before I saw him jump to his death... Honey Mustard said the Great Beyond is all a lie and the gods are monsters. And I always kind of thought that it didn't quite add up. So I guess my question is, what really happens in the Great Beyond?
Firewater: To find that which you seek... all you must do is look deep... (showing Frank a large sack) into my bag of wonderment.
Frank: (taking a look inside the bag) Whoa. I don't see anything.
Firewater: Deeper. Deeper. Put your whole head in the bag there.
Frank: (inserting his head deeper into the bag)
Firewater: There you go.
Frank: Just say when. I'm just gonna keep going in. (suddenly, he having himself kicked into the bag and someone tied its mouth from the outside)
Firewater: Guys! Come out here! Help me kill this freak!
Narrator: A voice said...
???: This idiot knows too much. We gotta off his butt!
Firewater: Someone hand me a knife. I'll gut this bloodsucker!
Frank: (eyes widened in horror upon hearing that suggestion)
???: No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods.
Narrator: Said another voice.
Firewater: Ah... He is right. Take off the bag of wonderment.
Frank: (having himself thrown out from the bag and notices that they're not alone) Who are you?
Mr. Grits: We the non-perishables, melon farmer.
Twinks: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?
Firewater: Yeah, I told him. You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here.
Mr. Grits: Eh, damn the crackers. I'm gonna kill them crackers right in the crack of they cracker butts. Cracker-butt crackers.
Frank: Well why were you going to kill me? All I did was ask what happens in the Great Beyond. Jeez! What's the big whoop?
Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage idiot the truth. We just met his butt!
Twinks: He basically knows it already. Maybe it's time to end this.
Firewater: (sighed) I am tired of all of the lies. Prepare yourself. For you're about to learn... the terrible truth. (pulled out a whistle that modified into smoke pipe) Does anybody want a hit before we get into this? Twink?
Twinks: Nah, I'm cool.
Mr. Grits: Shoot, if we smoking, I'll hit it.
Firewater: That's what I thought.
Mr. Grits: Pass the weed, my friend. Hot damn! Whoo! Whoo! This indica?
Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa. It's good stuff. Clean high.
Frank: Oh, no, thanks.
Firewater: Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some.
Human-Free Section of Shopwell's - Night Edit
Sammy: Fifty-five minutes.
Brenda: I know. Where is he?
Lavash: (laughing) Looks like you got ditched, bun. (chuckles)
Brenda: He wouldn't ditch me, dumber. He's my boyfriend. I mean... we touched T-I-Ps. (chuckles) We touched tips, Just the tips. Oh, we touched our tips. Sorry, I don't know why I'm singing. Sometimes I get nervous and I'll sing!
Laash: Maybe that's why he ditched you. Your loose morals are revolting, tip-toucher!
Brenda: You don't think that because I'm out of the package he thinks I'm not pure? Oh, god. I didn't want to say it, but I do have that not-so-fresh feeling.
Tequila: Excuse me. Are you a bun?
Narrator: Said a familiar voice to Brenda.
Brenda: Uh... Yeah, I am. Why?
Tequila: And you've been traveling↵with a sausage?
Brenda: Yes! Yes, I have! Have you seen him?
Tequila: I have! He's looking for you in my aisle. He's right this way. I can take you to him, chica. I take you to him real good. All right, vaminos. Let's go. I am to be trusted.
(Brenda, Lavash and Sammy following Tequila to the Coyote's Bar.)
Coyote's Bar - Night Edit
Sammy: Oh, yeah. This has a nice south-of-the-border vibe. Ha-ha.
(Tequila enters the Mexican bar with Brenda, Sammy and Lavash. They stopped the music, El Guaco, Fried Beans and the other foods looking at them, angrily. He spits on the table, they resuming the music and playing cards.)
Tequila: Okay, you go over there and you sit at the bar right there, okay? You can't move a muscle, okay? I'll be right back, all right? Okay. (Tequila leaves and Brenda, Sammy and Lavash began to sitting down)
Teresa: And bless me, Santa Chimichanga, and↵protect me from the Dark Lord. Amen.
Brenda: Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
Teresa: (gasps) The bun. The one he's been searching for. She's here! (looks at Brenda's behind) And she's beautiful.
(Brenda looked at the El Guaco, Fried Beans and other foods have a conniving smile)
Brenda: Is it me or is everyone looking at us?
Brenda: Oh, hi. It's nice to meet...
Teresa: Shh. Don't look at me. Eyes forward.↵Act natural.
Brenda: Oh, okay.
Teresa: Listen, my name is Teresa Del Taco. And you are in grande danger. This is a trap! You must to come with me. Now!
Tequila: All right. I got them right here, amigo. Huh? (gasps) CRAP!!!
Vash: Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy: My nose out of your crotch? Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey. Why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! He's coming.
Teresa: The one they call... (scarred Douche enters) El Douche.
Tequila: El Douche!
Mexican Products: El Douche!
Narrator: Douche entered the Mexican bar and looked at them where Brenda, Lavash, Sammy and Teresa have been vanished, turned back to Tequila.
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them! So you drag me over to this aisle with all these illegal products... And now I don't see them. So, where the freak are they? Spill the beans!
Douche: Beans, I swear to God, if you don't shut up!
Brenda: Oh, no. He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here.
Douche: What part of: "I want the sausage and the bun dead. And if you see them, come and get me... and if I find out that you didn't come and get me... or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll freaking kill you all"... did you not understand, Tequila?
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know? I mean, this is... This happens, you know?
Douche: Bro, come here. No, it's fine. It's cool. No biggie. I'm not gonna do something mess up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here.
Narrator: Douche said, and Tequila came to him. He yelled and smashed Tequila against the bar counter, shattering him. Then Salsa said...
Salsa: No way, Jose!
Douche: Yes, way! Jose's freakin’ dead, yo!
Narrator: The Douche lifted Tequila's head above him and drank the dripping tequila liquids, causing his muscles to increase once more. He then tossed Tequila's head at El Guaco's groin, causing him to grasp it in deep pain.
El Guaco: Ow!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you... unless you find the sausage and the bun!
Teresa: Por aca, por aca, this way. (gestured the gang to followed her) The coyotes used this tunnel to smuggle some of us out of the aisle... in hope of a better life. We will do the same.
Int. Firewater's Cave - Night Edit
Narrator: Back in Firewater's cave, the whole cave was briefly covered by smoke and everyone inside coughed the last bit of smoke.
Firewater: It's good stuff, isn't it?
Frank: Okay, okay, I'm super baked. My friends are probably wondering where the heck I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
Firewater: Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... (suddenly exclaimed) we invented it!
Firewater: Ha! I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill us all.
Frank: What, are you crazy? That doesn't make any sense. Why would the gods kill us?
Firewater: Because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives them more power, and it's never enough. (showing a picture depicting human race's evolution from their primitive ancestors to overweighted modern man) Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy. I mean, damn.
Frank: You guys are being nuts. How much of that stuff have you been smoking? Too much is how much.
Firewater: We blaze for real, 24/7. No joke. But we also know our story. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. (as he spoke, we are brought to traditional, hand drawn cartoon depiction of flashback of Shopwell's dark times in the past, showing many foods are helpless upon being bought by human customers that looked horrifying and demonic) Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. (the scene shift to the trio who scheme the concept of Great Beyond, with hellish look of men's kitchens turned into a Heaven-esque land the Great Beyond supposed to be) So we, the non-perishables, created a story. The story of the Great Beyond. A place where the gods care for you... and all your wildest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy instead of kidding themselves.
Frank: Wait, wait. So you're telling me you wrote the song?
Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink is my lyricist. We both drop it right and we drop it all the time. Boom. The melody came to me one night... when I was getting super, super, super baked. Like hump-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying? (Frank shook his head, Twink nods) Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on. You know. In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little messy. The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views. (we sees Twink finished writing a verse of Great Beyond song, but some foods abruptly began to alter its lyrics and Firewater was horrified with what happened) Messing with Twink's tight butt lyrics. Remixing my song without my permish. (a flashback shown Sauerkraut, other food who alter the verses into Nazi-based speech and rally his army to terrorize juices) Now every morning when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the hell are you guys saying?!" I mean, Wasn't there a part about exterminating juice? I didn't write that song, I love juice! Always have. Juice are hilarious. Who the heck do these guys think they are? (the flashback sequences ends) Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: That they get brutally devoured.
Frank: So that means Carl and Barry are dead?
Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are. But if they went out those doors?
Mr. Grits: Dead as a melon farmer.
Frank: (disillusioned and horrified) Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I gotta tell everyone!
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater: Ah, yeah. That's a good point. Kill me, right?
Frank: Wait, do you guys have any proof of this?
Twinks: Go to the Dark Aisle. Beyond the ice.
Frank: Why? What's in that aisle?
Twinks: Oh, you'll see. But I warn you... once you see that stuff... it'll mess you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! (gives Frank a quick peck on the lips before running back to his buddies and he giggles)
Firewater: Hey, Grits. Pack another bowl, will you? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
Camille Toh's House - Night Edit
Narrator: Meanwhile, at Camille's house, she entered kitchen to place her groceries on the desk.
Camille Toh: (checking her groin) Shoot. I really needed that douche.
Carl: Holy crap, we're actually here! Come on, Barry, you're missing it, man! Dude, get in on this stuff.
Barry: God, what have I done? Frank needed my help, but I wasn't there for him. After all the times he stood up for me, you know. God, I'm such a fearful coward. He'll never forgive me. I'll never forgive me.
Carl: Look, Barry, the only way to respectfully honor Frank... is to completely forget about him!
Carl: And, hey, for all we know, he's okay. He's probably headed back to our aisle and he'll be here tomorrow. Just act happy. Ignore your feelings. Come on, let's see that smile. (Barry smiles weakly) Ah. I see that lip curling up. (Barry bares his teeth with his smile) Oh, there you go! Whoo!
Barry: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're in the Great Beyond. (whooping)
Troy: (Camille held the sausage's package) Get ready, boys! We's about to fills what we need to fills.
(Camille Toh opens the package as Carl sighs loudly, removes the sausages, who immediately stood on their feet)
Troy: Feel that breeze.
Barry: Carl, do you feel that?
Carl: This feels amazing. (Troy howls)
Cheese: Oh, yeah.
Barry: We're out of the package.
Carl: It's beautiful, man. It's just beautiful! (gaze upon the kitchen) I'm crying! I'm crying because it's so pretty here!
Barry: Stretch your legs with me, Carl. Just do it, man.
Narrator: Camille Toh grabbed the Potato, and he said...
Potato: (held by Camille) Oh, yes! Yes! I'm the first to enter eternity!
Carl: Potato! Way to go, buddy! That's my guy!
Potato: (Camille Toh uses sprinkles to wash him) Being bathed by the hands of a god! (singing) Oh, Danny Boy... The pipes, the pipes are call... (all of sudden, the moon is covered by dark clouds as the scene's background turned red as blood and Potato's stomach gets sliced off by Camille Toh with a vegetable peeler) AAAAHHH! CHEEZES GOD!
Narrator: All of the groceries screamed as Potato continued to get his skin sliced off in agony.
Potato: Oh! God, me skin! She's peeling off me freaking skin!
Carl: What. The! HECK?!
Potato: (about to be put in a pot full of boiling water) Cheeze, you stupid whore! Me eyes! (holding his eyes that cooked by the steam) THEY BURRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn! (Narrator: The potato gurgled and died as Camille Toh closed the pot. She glared on potato demonically as she raise her knife upwards like an executioner raises his axe.)
Tomato: No! Please, no! I have got a famiglia!
Narrator: Cried a Tomato. Camille slammed her knife like an executioner's axe, slicing him into half, prompt other groceries to scream. She then tossed four bacons to a pan full of boiling oil to frying them that one of them had one of his eyes violently popped. A cabbage had his eyes gouged as he torn apart, bread painfully sawed alive like a log with a bread knife.
Cheese: (in agony as his head grated to his death with grated pieces of his head rains the horrified nachos) No! No!
Carl: Cheese! You don't deserve that!
(Nachos scream to their death as they microwaved alive with heated grated cheese burns through their cooked corpses, Liquor Bottle screams as his wooden cap pulled off by Camille, sprayed Troy and two sausages beside him with Liquor Bottle's red blood liquor)
Troy: Oh, no! No!
(Baby Carrots become panicked as Camille Toh brings their package and pours its contents into large bowl. Two of Baby Carrots stumble to the side of the bowl and stand up)
Baby Carrot: The gods are about to eat us! RUN!!!
Camille Toh: (notices two Baby Carrots attempted to jumped off the desk) Whoops! (grasps the Baby Carrots at the last moments)
Baby Carrot: I want my mommy!
Narrator: Camille Toh threw both Baby Carrots into her mouth and chewed them alive. Carl yelled...
Carl: (hysterical) They're eating children! THEY'RE JUST CHILDREN!! (Notices the open window, seeing that as a sign for freedom) We gotta run!
Barry: (Shouting fearfully) We're all gonna die!
Carl: Barry! (slaps him) Snap out of it and run!
Narrator: Carl and Barry went to the window, and prepared to jump.
Carl: Okay, little buddy. Jump on the count of three. One! Two!
Narrator: The sound of something being sliced was heard.
(The sausage in question is in agonizing pain and making a peculiar face.)
Carl: Run, Barry!
Barry: Garfa-bar-bar? What are you saying, Carl? (The tip of a large knife pokes through the front of Carl, scaring Barry.) Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God, Carl! (The knife slices all the way up Carl; Barry is horrified.) CAAAAAAAARRRRL!!
Carl: (raspy and faint) Barry!
(Carl is twined, each half flopping to either side, and he falls lifeless into the sink.)
Narrator: So, Carl got what was coming to him, and THEN some!
Barry: Carl! Dear sweet Carl. What have they done to you, Carl? No! (Camille Toh slowly thrusts her knife toward Barry) Whoa! No! No! No! No!
Narrator: Barry fell into the flowers and the pavement below before the knife reached him. And finally, Barry succeeded the escape as the other groceries are killed constantly.
Act 3 Edit
Under The Aisles of Shopwell's - Night Edit
Brenda: First, I fall out of the cart. Then, I lose Frank. Now, I'm being hunted by a douche. The gods must be punishing me, don't you see? This is what I get for giving in to my disgusting urges.
Teresa: Sweet bun, I must admit I too sometimes have urges impure thoughts. We all do.
Brenda: Oh, good. That actually makes me feel a little better.
Teresa: We must never give in to them.
Brenda: Oh, no. That's the opposite of what I thought you'd say.
Teresa: Yes. The gods are always watching, even when we cannot see them.
Brenda: You think it's too late for me?
Teresa: Do not worry, bun. I will get you home.
Brenda: Can I ask why you're helping me?
Teresa: When I saw you, I felt inside myself a tingling-lingling sensation. I am sure it was the gods telling me to help you. It was as though I saw myself in you.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I kind of see myself in you too. I mean, look at our shapes. You know, you're sideways. But still, you're kind of like me. A thin, brittle version of me.
Lavash: Or another way of looking at it is you're a fat, ugly version of her.
Brenda: All right. That's not necessary.
Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
(Brenda, Sammy, Lavash and Teresa looked at Douche, gasps in horror)
Brenda: Oh, crap!
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here? A taco? a whiny donut? And some stupid flappy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is. Okay, so...
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: It's just a stretch and you know you it, Queso! So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously and in my opinion appropriately...
Douche: To find the whereabouts of the sausage who destroyed my body! And my...
(Brenda sees a Juicy Box sticker, takes it off, Douche screams)
Douche: Aah! Crap...
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: God, that hurts so much! Oh!
(He puts the juice sticker back on and chasing Brenda, Teresa, Sammy and Lavash)
Brenda: Run! Oh, he's coming at us! Hurry! Guys, I'm stuck!
Teresa: Ay, my bunny-bun!
Lavash: I told you she was too fat.
Brenda: I heard that!
Teresa: Come on, honeybun, suck it in. (Bellows) He's coming, he's coming. [Douche roars] Eso duele, get the butter!
Douche: God! Stuck! You gotta be kidding me, dude!
Teresa: (Speaking Spanish (With English translated) Hand-me-down son of a dishwasher!
Brenda: Yeah! What she said!
Teresa: (Speaks Spanish) Let's not start eating each other's boxes just yet. We are still not safe here. Let's go!
Brenda: Forget you!
Douche: I'm gonna get you, my pretty! I'm gonna get you and your little sausage too!
Teresa: Go feed yourself, El Douche. Ay, Santa Chimichanga. I promise to be a good taco.
Town Streets - Night Edit
(The streets already dark and only illuminated by few streetlights as Barry desperately find the way back to Shopwell's)
Barry: God, god, god! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man. What do I do? I'm all alone. I'm a coward and I'm all alone. I screwed over Frank, Carl's dead and I'm all alone. This is what I get for being a coward. Oh, no, a god! (jumped to hiding before he sees what appeared to be a pile of poop that looked like a sausage) A sausage. Sir? Sir, I'm sorry to wake you. I'm a fellow sausage in distress. My name's Barry, it's a pleasure to meet you. What's your name?
(Corn zombies suddenly popped out of the poop and they moan.)
Barry: Oh, God! No, no, no! (Yelps and run before stumbled upon an overstretched condom)
Used Condom: I begged them to stop, but they just wouldn't. First, the gods stretched me till it hurt. Then they went inside me and then... And then...SPLOOOSH!!
Used Condom: Look at me. Look at me!
Barry: (runs and hide underneath a street bench) They... They feel no remorse. Oh, God, oh, God! What's the point of even living anymore? I might as well just die.
(He starts to cry as a nearby human druggie walks to the drug dealer then drops the bag of Shopwell's and Barry sees it)
Barry: Home. Maybe this god can get me home.
Drug Dealer: Hey, man, be careful with this. Bath salts are the real deal. People been seeing some crazy things.
Barry: I can warn Frank. Here comes everything!
Human-Free Section of Shopwell's - Night Edit
Frank: Brenda Oh! Brenda! Brenda! Oh, Brenda, there you are!
Brenda: Oh, my god! Frank!
Frank: Ah! You feel so good.
Brenda: I was afraid you left me because I wasn't fresh. I was attacked by a douche. He's trying to kill us!
Frank: Douche? Oh, my God, Brenda!↵Are you okay? Did he come at you?
Brenda: Yes, I'm fine, but it was really scary. Where have you been?
Frank: All right, look, I found out some pretty major news. I met this group of non-perishables between the shelves, and they told me that they invented the Great Beyond↵because the gods are evil... and they kill us!
Frank: But apparently there's proof↵in the Dark Aisle beyond the ice.↵We gotta go there and check it out!↵Let's go!
Brenda: Don't say that. You're starting to sound like that whack-job Honey Mustard.
Frank: Well, Maybe Honey Mustard wasn't so crazy after all.
Brenda: Frank, Frank, stop it. The gods are already ticked at us. Please don't make it worse. Just come on, we have to get home before it's too late. Well, Brenda, I can't just do that. I need to know the truth. I need to go to the Dark Aisle and I want you to come with me.
Brenda: I can't do that. I want you to come home with me.
Frank: Well... I can't do that.
Brenda: Then I don't really know what to do right now.
Frank: I don't know what to do either... I don't get how you can just believe stuff you don't have any proof of.
Brenda: How come all of a sudden you only believe something if there's proof?
Frank: I'm not walking around with my eyes closed!
Brenda: What are you saying? I should believe in nothing? That everything is pointless?
Frank: Better than believing a bunch of bullstuff that you can't explain!
Brenda: Maybe I don't need to explain it because it's something I feel.
Frank: Well, I feel like that makes it hard to have a rational conversation.
Brenda: (infuriated) Screw you, Frank. You know what? I was wrong before. There is a Great Beyond without you and I'm gonna go there and fill myself with something else!
Frank: (gasps) You don't mean that?
Brenda: YES, I DO! I'll fill myself with a parsnip or a dill pickle. Maybe even an eggplant.
Frank: You couldn't fit an eggplant in there! It's too big! It'll tear you in half!
Brenda: Oh, you'd be amazed what I could fit in here!
Sammy: What is going on with these two?
Brenda: Maybe I'll really mix it up. Stick a tube of toothpaste in there, huh?
Frank: Oh, shut up!
Brenda: Squeeze it all over my face.
Frank: You're just trying to hurt me!
Brenda: All over my backside, neck and face.
Frank: I'm not gonna listen to her! Brenda! Brenda, okay, look.↵Let's just stop this, okay? Okay?↵You're my bun.
Brenda: Oh, DON'T "You're my bun.! Hey, trust me! Hey, guys, come over here, follow me! [chuckles]" You're basically saying you don't care about me.
Frank: What?! No, I'm not!
Brenda: Well, actions speak louder than words, and your actions, sir, are deafening. I can't believe I got out of my package for you and you won't get back in one for me. Goodbye, Frank.
Lavash: We will tell stories of your garbage.
Sammy: Stay safe.
Frank: Come on, guys, this affects all of us! Brenda! Sammy! Lavash! Taco Lady. I didn't get your name yet. Brenda!
Druggie's House - Night Edit
(as the Druggie arrives at his home and he sat on his chair, Barry jumped out of his shoe)
Barry: What is this place?
Druggie: Well, everybody told me not to do this. But, screw everybody. Because bath salts, here I come!
(The druggie tears open a bag of bath salts and sprinkles a bagful of its contents onto the table. He lights a zippo lighter and places it under a dirty spoon, the contents of which begins to bubble. The contents then turn into liquid and the druggie fills the needle with the bath salts liquid and ties off his arm. The Druggie has injected bath salts into his bloodstream.)
Druggie: Ow. Surf's up! Mess me! (giggles)
Barry: Oh, my God. Ooh. What is he doing to himself?
Druggie: Oh, yeah. These bath salts are so good. Ooh. Oh, cool. Oh, it just got better! Bath salts must be kicking in.
(In the Druggie's vision, because he's high on bath salts, a small sausage becomes anthropomorphic, meaning the Druggie is able to see the food walk and talk like humans.)
Druggie: What? What the heck?
Barry: Uh... Hello?
(Druggie and Barry are both screaming into fear.)
Barry: Please don't kill me! Please, just wait!
Druggie: What are you? Are you some kind of magical sausage?
Barry: No, no. No, I'm just Barry. I'm just Barry. Wait. Wait. You can actually understand me? And I can actually understand you?
Druggie: Whoa. The bath salts are showing me the real world. It's lifted the veil of non-reality!
Krinkler's Chips: Holy cow! He can actually see us?
Druggie: Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! (exclaims in alarm) I'm tweaked! I'm tweaking!
Barry: Whoa, dude! Just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man. Just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
Druggie: I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... with your gloves and your... your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me. Look at me. I ain't got no legs, you fool! You freaking ate my damn legs!
Druggie: Oh, no, not Mr. Pizza! Oh, Gosh! I've eaten so many of your family members! I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end!
Beer Can: "When will it end"? When he stops drinking us.
Krinkler's Chips, Sandwich, Pop Tart and Tickilish Licorice: Yeah!
Cookies: And stops eating us!
Sandwich: Same here!
Pop Tart: Hell, yeah!
Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!
Krinkler's Chips: What did he do to you?
Toilet Paper: You don't wanna freaking know.
Druggie: Okay, okay. I promise. I'll never eat food again. I'll just... I'll just eat dirt and wipe my butt with sticks!
Barry: Good. And there's one more thing you're gonna do. Take... me... home. (points to Shopwell's)
Druggie: You got it! I just need to rest my eyes for a few.
Section Near Lavash and Sammy's Aisles, Shopwell's-Midnight Edit
Sammy: I literally can't wait to be home.↵I'm so excited, I'm plotzing.↵Gefilte Fish will be there. Matzah.↵Even Hummus.
Lavash: Wait a minute. You know Hummus?
Sammy: Know him? I'm gonna go so far as to say I consider Hummus one of my dearest friends.
Lavash: Really? I too know Humus! And I too consider him a dear friend.
Sammy: Hm. We both like Humus.
Lavash: Well, any friend of Hummus is a... Get the hell away from me.
Teresa: What troubles you, sweet Brenda?
Brenda: It's just Frank. I can't believe he did this to me. We were supposed to be together.
Teresa: He's flawed, as are we all. But your Frank did say some things that have stayed with me. We live our lives with all these rules and some of them stop us from doing the things we want... causing our deepest urges to be suppressed when they are gathering like wildfire between our legs!
Brenda: Did you say "between our legs"?
Sammy: There it is. Look, my homeland!
Lavash: Oh, look, my aisle!
Brenda: Yes! ...Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Sammy: Well, jeez, it's been a sincere sensation. Good-bye, Brenda Bunson. Good-bye, Teresa Del Taco.
Teresa: So long, Bagel.
Lavash: Traveling with you was... tolerable.
Brenda: Oh, you're so sweet. Later, you flappy bird. Well, Teresa, you've done as much as you promised. You got me back to my aisle safely. I really can't thank you enough.
Teresa: Look, Brenda, I'm going to come clean.↵I have feelings for you I can't deny. Crotch feelings.
Teresa: Sorry. But I'm not a soft taco.↵I'm a hard, horny taco.
Brenda: Oh, you don't have to apologize. Honestly, if the rules were different, maybe I'd give it a whirl. Don't knock it till you try it, right?
Teresa: That's what I'm saying.
Brenda: But I can't try it. And therefore, I have to knock it. It's just not what the gods intended. Look, there's temptation everywhere. I see it. Stiff sausages and sexy tacos. But if there is one thing I've learned to do this journey...what we want doesn't matter. You can't disobey the gods. I'm really sorry. I'll never forget you. Hola, Teresa.
Teresa: Hola means "hello."
Brenda: Oh. What's the word for "goodbye"?
Druggie's Home-Night Edit
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the Druggie's house, he tried to put Barry in the pot. Barry cried...
Krinkler's Chips: How the heck does this thing work?
Barry: I wish this god would wake up already. How am I supposed to get back to Frank?
???: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Barry: What? Who the hell is that?
Toilet Paper: Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
???: I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol, Mannitol, Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin, Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc. But for expediency's sake, you can call me... Gum. For 20 years, I was stuck under the desk of a brilliant scientist. I was scraped off and discarded and eventually found myself stuck to a shoe that dropped me here. Your home is a supermarket. This is but one of many as your particular chain of supermarkets is ever-expanding unified by a singular purpose: To store food and products for human consumption. The supermarket in the closest physical vicinity to us is here. If the human operates his automotive, the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
Barry: Great. That last part was all you had to say, really. Hey, wake up! Hey! Idiot! Are you hearing me? Dude! It's me, Barry!
Druggie: What? What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh? On. What is this doing here? Oh, yeah. Bath salts. (chuckles) I can't believe I was actually talking to you, sausage. (laughs) Wow! Tripping chops for three hours really works up an appetite.
Toilet Paper: Oh, no! This is not good.
Barry: What are you doing?
Gum: The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension.
Chips: No! No!
Gum: The effects of the opiate have dissipated. Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him. We are totally dead.
(Druggie opens his bag of Krinkler's Chips, eating)
Barry: Oh, my Gosh.
(Barry facepalms, Druggie grabs him)
Barry: No! No! Oh, Gosh! (exclaims) Put me down! No! Come on, put me down.
Toilet Paper: Oh, Gosh.
Barry: Help me! (screams) Oh, no. It can't end like this. I have to warn Frank! No. No! No!
Dark Aisle at Shopwell's-Midnight Edit
Narrator: Frank went beyond the ice and into the Dark Aisle. He wondered...
Frank: What in the name of Bruce Willis is this place? What in the name of Bruce Willis is that? God. No. No way. No. No. No, no, no. I gotta show them. They need to know how wrong they all are before it's too late! (sees before the clock hits 7am and rips the page of cookbook)
Sammy's Aisle-Night Edit
Gefilte Fish: Sammy, Bubula, where have you been? Oh, I'm surprised that savage Lavash didn't stone you to death.
Baba Ganoush: You had to travel with a bagel? How much did his dirty hands steal from you?
Lavash: A ton.
Loretta: What are you doing out of a package? It's almost Red, White and Blue Day. Hello?
Brenda: Well, you know, it's a long, pretty sad story, actually... And I'd rather not get into it right now.
Loretta: Okay, What are you doing?
Bun #2: Stop it!
Bun #3: Stop!
Brenda: There we go.
Sally: You're smushing me. Help me!
Brenda: Perfect fit.
Bun #2: Gosh! Move your morons!
Narrator: Douche saw that a bottle walking, caught him, opens a caps and drinking it. Now becoming a strong arms.
Douche: (laughing evilly) I'm jacked up now, bro. (cackling) Where's that SAUSAGE?
Frank: Um... Friends... Ramen... Country Club Lemonade.
Country Club Lemonade: Huh?
Frank: Lend me your ears of Corn.
Frank: I am Frank... and I am a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. ...Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! ...The Great Beyond is all a lie!
Indian Chutney: WHAT?!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
Lettuce: YOU LIAR!
Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it. But, I have proof!
(shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten, everyone shocked in horror)
Licorice Rope: What is this?!
Relish: It's... It's murder!
Sammy: This... This makes no sense.
Lavash: But what about the extra-virgin olive oil? My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps. I can't! (Ululating)
Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. Guys! Easy! Look, I have a plan: We can run!
Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
Narrator: Ice Cream said.
Frank: Okay, then we'll hide.
Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge.
Frank: Then we'll fight!
Narrator: Frank said, sounding like the leader.
Peanut: I ain't fighting alongside fruits!
Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjob.
Indian Chutney: So we cannot run, we cannot hide and we cannot stand up to them, because they're gods! And they are immortal! So basically, there's no hope and we're royally DOOMED!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring a cookbook] Or this?
(A Honey Drippers cereal box around turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of the cereal)
Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
Apple: Me, either.
Indian Chutney: We choose the more pleasant thing.
Ice Cream: Yeah. I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just a theory.
Frank: No, no, no, it's not a theory, you morons! It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence! Open your stupid eyes, don't be so weak!
Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
Beans: You, senor have no bedside manner!
Frank: WHAT?! I HAVE BEDSIDE MANNER!
Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
Sauerkraut: You intolerant infidel!
(Frank sees that clock hits 7am)
Frank: No, it's starting.
(Darren yawns, tries to unlocking the doors and opens)
Frank: No. Oh, no, no, no.
Apple: Come on. Sing.
Watermelon: Do it.
Frank: No! Don't do it, Corn.
Apple: Come on, Larry. You can do it.
Frank: Don't you dare do it, Corn. Don't... you... dare... do it!
Corn: Dear Gods... You're so divine in each and every way
To you we pray
Lettuce: Dear gods...We pledge our love to you
Frank: Brenda! You gotta get out of there! No! No, no, no! No!
Brenda: Frank! No!
Frank: Brenda! Oh, Gosh.
Multiple food: Where we're sure nothing bad happens to food
Cheese: Once we're out the sliding doors, things will all be grand
Ralph: Hey. What's up? I'm Ralph. Looks like this is happening, huh? Yeah, I've been working on my moves. Ever heard of the jackrabbit?
Brenda: Oh, no.
The gods will always care for us
They won't squeeze us out their butts
We cannot overstate How confident we are
That our beliefs are accurate And nothing awful happens to us...
Frank: Brenda! No! Where is she? Shoot! Aw, darn it. I blew it.
Barry: Hey. Doesn't mean it's too late to redeem yourself. Take it from me...Barry.
Frank: Barry? ls this real? You're alive!
Barry: You bet yourself I am.
Frank: But how?
Barry: I'll tell you how. The gods can be... Ahem. Excuse me. The gods can be killed!
Frank: Oh, my god! What the heck?!
Barry: I know. Look at this guy. (imitating Druggie) I'm a freaking idiot. I'm dead now. I've been on a bad path for years. Let me tell you the story of my stupid, stupid death.
Act 4 Edit
Druggie's House - Flashback - Night Edit
(Druggie holds Barry over a boiling pot of water)
Barry: No. No! No!
(He clumsily drops Barry on the ground)
Druggie: Whoop. Five-second rule. (As he bends over to pick him up, he accidently knocks over the boiling pot off the stove, screaming. Barry takes cover as the boiling water splashes on the ground. Druggie slips on the water and stumbles back. He slams into a wall. The impact causes safety latch on the battle axe hanging the Druggie's head to loosen, It falls.) No!
Shopwell's - Day Edit
Barry: (imitating Druggie) And then they figured out how to drive my car, sneaked into an A/C vent and that pretty much brings us up-to-date. Get the heck away from me. Frank, I'm sorry. When you guys fell out of that cart, I could have done something, but I didn't. Then I did the same thing as... They killed Carl.
Frank: (gasps) Those monsters. Did he suffer?
Barry: No... Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. They truly are monsters.
Frank: Those monsters are gonna kill Brenda. She's somewhere out there in a cart. I tried to warn everyone, they didn't believe me!
Barry: Of course they didn't. You called them out as stupid idiots. You can't just slam their beliefs. You have to show them there's a better way. You need to inspire them like you inspired me. You need to give them hope.
Frank: Hope? How the heck are we supposed to give them that? You got lucky and killed a stupid one. There's dozens of them down there.
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Frank: Who are you?
Gum: I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Barry: His name's Gum. Just introduce yourself as Gum from now on. Okay? Anyway, he's great. He's gonna help us get the upper hand on these monsters. Show everyone we can fight back.
Frank: Oh, God. Brenda!
Frank: Brenda! Brenda!
Barry: Let's move, boys.
Brenda: Whew. Kind of stuffy in here, hey, girls?↵So I'm just gonna get out, get a little air for a second. I'm just gonna...
Loretta: What's your problem?
Brenda: Hey! Let go of me!
Loretta: First, you smush Sally... and then you try to ruin Red, White and Blue Day for us?!
Brenda: Get... Get your hands off me! I gotta get out of here!
Loretta: Just chill out, you crazy weirdo!
Ralph: Bun fight! Check it out.
Loretta: They're gonna kill us all!
Frank: Oh, Crap, Crap, Crap. We need to hurry.
Gum: The bath salts are primed.
Barry: Make it rain.
Darren: Ow! What the heck? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this freaking toothpick at me, man?
Frank: Nothing happened. You said this would help us defeat them.
Barry: Worked on the dude whose head we chopped off.
Brenda: Let go of me! Let go of me!
Frank: She's being chosen. We have to act!
Female Shopper: Whoa, Gosh. What is happening? (sees all the foods are alive) Oh, my Gosh! (screaming and runs off to exit)
Frank: There is no way this is gonna work.
Barry: Have faith.
Frank: Brenda! Let go of me! Let go of me! Oh, God! Oh, Gosh!
Brenda: Stay away from my sausage, you psycho! Oh! Frank.
Frank: Brenda. Look, I'm so sorry. I've been dealing with this whole thing incredibly poorly.
Brenda: You really have. Honestly, it's been pathetic at times. But luckily, it's not too late. Come on.
Frank: You see? There is hope!
Licorice Rope: Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, infidel!
Frank: No, no, don't worry. I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your beliefs and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't. Nobody knows everything. But, what I do know is that together, we can fight these monsters and take control of our own lives.
Brenda: Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
Frank: We need to unite and stop focusing on each other's differences... especially in immature and outdated ways. We have to cooperate and then--
Cashier: Die! (slaps a slice of pizza and smashes the window door)
Frank: Oh, no! Pizza!
Narrator: Frank, Brenda, Barry and other foods looked at the drugged shoppers.
Cashier: The food has been possessed!
Sandwich: Uh-oh! [screams]
Ticklish Licorice: We're all gonna die! Oh, Gosh!
Male Shopper: It's devil food!
Apple: Oh, my Gosh!
Mariachi Salsa: The sausage, he was right! They're evil!
Pop Tart: Oh, crud!
Frank: Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda: Then this is it.
Barry: At least, we go out together.
Fat Guy: [yells] Ow! What the...?
Lavash: You mess with them?
Sammy: You mess with us, beast! Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.
Barry: Can't this thing go any faster?
Gum: This is fast as I can.
Licorice Rope: Come on, you candy holes! Join the fight!
Lollipop: Hey, what do you think? Should we do it?
Gumballs: Come on, guys. It's us or them.
Fat Guy: Ow! [exclaims]
Brenda: They're doing it.
Frank: Yeah! We got him!
Pop Bottle: You ready for this?
Mints: I don't know.
Pop Bottle: It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.
Mints: This is gonna hurt so freaking much. (Part was altered)
Frank: Run, guys, run!
Teresa: Sergeant Pepper, cue the fruits! (Speaking Spanish)
Sergeant Pepper: Fruits are a go. Go, fruits!
Fruits: (dancing) Jitterbug.
Fit Guy: Ohh! Get away from me, you freaking fruits!
Teresa: Yeah, that's it! Beat him like a pinata!
Fruits: You send my soul sky high
When your loving starts
Food: Get the Dark Lord!
Darren: Why do you keep calling me that?! God. Come on. Come on.
Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but screw it, you know. Hole's a hole, bro. (laughs)
Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man. Slap yourself in the face, man. Oh, man, you lost your mind. No way. This isn't real. No, this can't be real.
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
Darren: What? (looks and points with a gun at douche alive, gasps in horror) A talking douche?
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no, no! This is too much, this is too much! Too much! Breathe, man.
Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling like honestly the two of us could, like, collaborate together. Like a mash-up, bro.
Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand. What's happening?
Douche: You don't need to understand. You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait. What are you doing?!
(Douche shoves his nozzle up Darren's butt off-screen.)
Man Off-screen: Come on, what kind of blur is this? It was due to a TV-14 rating.
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: Dude! That went up my butt!
Douche: (laughs) Now, stand up. (Yanks on Darren's scrotum which was cut out)
Darren: Turn right. Left. (cackles) Yeah!
Frank: Sausages and buns! Let's party!
(Frank, Brenda, Barry and other buns are riding on the horseradish on top on the shelf, following Darren and Douche. They jumped off to Darren, struggling)
Darren: I'll call 911! OW! (Cries out)
Douche: Huge mistake, bros. [exclaims]
Brenda: What? Oh, no. (Darren hits Brenda with a gun) Oh!
(Darren looks at Frank, tries to shoot him)
(Frank falls and screams)
(Barry tries to grab Frank. But, Douche yanks Darren again and hits Barry)
(Barry screams, to the garbage of doom, grabs holds of the ledge. He dangles there, pulls himself far enough to see propane tanks in the distance. He gets the idea. Frank climbs up to see Douche)
Douche: Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you.
(Frank prepares to punch Douche but Darren grabs him and Frank yells.)
Douche: (laughs) Okay, we got him, easy now. Easy now.
Darren: Well it's hard when your head's up my butt and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact... that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! (The scene turns right to reveal a bottle of ketchup, mustard, and a jar of relish gathered together in fear) Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. (laughing evilly) I drank a juicy box's blood and I'm shoved up a God's body, And this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro. (Bites Frank on his left side, Frank screaming in pain)
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats junk; Gods do, bro. (In a thundering voice) I'M A FREAKING GOD!
Darren: Goodbye, little sausage. (Aims his magnum at Frank, preparing to shoot him. Frank shocked and exclaims)
Brenda: Oh, Frank.
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
Frank: Help me!
Narrator: Just then, there was a voice!
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Narrator: Gum moved towards Darren as he looked at Gum and then shot at him with his gun, which blasted a hole in his head and seemingly could've killing him. However, Gum recovered himself and the wound disappeared.
Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human.
Narrator: Said Gum.
Gum: You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
Narrator: Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks, was held in place. Barry then gave the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerated towards Darren as Douche and Frank then saw it approaching.
Douche: Oh... crud! (drops Frank)
(Frank screams as he is about to fall onto the sharp ends of broken beer bottle, but Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto a shelf. Darren then sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet in a Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can)
Douche: What's happening out there?!?!
(Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path)
Coconut Milk: So long, weirdo!
(Coconut Milk flips Darren the middle finger, which is later switched to a fist up)
Narrator: The cart passed by Sammy and Lavash, who were holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which caused the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp which sent the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonated into fireworks, which killed Darren and the Douche, causing douche liquid and human blood to drop from the sky.
Peanut: (while holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory) Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. We did it! WE ACTUALLY WON! (laughing)
(The scene cuts to the humans, who are now placed inside the freezer by the objects. The humans were stuck inside there and they froze to death. The objects cheered as the battle ended. A tampon skips around as she accidentally steps on a tiny puddle of human blood.)
Tampon: Ew! (absorbs the blood and becomes big and tough) Aw yeah! That feels good!
(The scene fades to Frank and Brenda viewing the remains of Shopwell's.)
Frank: We did it!
Brenda: We did! So, what do we do now?
Frank: Well, since there aren't any humans around in the store anymore, since the entire store is empty, and since we, along with the other objects, are the only ones still here, we can...
Frank: We can do... whatever we want. What... do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say what I want involves... much more than... (sings) just the tips, just the tips. What I want is much more than just the tips.
Frank: Hmm, like what? A hug? A kiss? Or what?
(Brenda and Frank hold hands and the two embrace. They later kiss each other on the lips.)
Frank: Hmm, not bad. That victory kiss really isn't so bad after all.
Brenda: I know!
(Frank and Brenda turn to the objects.)
Frank: Guys, to celebrate our victory, we're going to have a movie night. Who's with me?
(The rest of the objects agreed and they, along with Frank and Brenda, go to the movies and electronics aisle to watch a movie or a show on an HDTV. During their movie night, the objects watch episodes of Inanimate Insanity, Battle for Dream Island, and VeggieTales. The scene fades to Frank and Brenda watching the sunrise as the rooster crows off-screen.)
Narrator: The next day after the movie night was over, the objects can finally live in peace for all eternity.
Frank: That was amazing.
Narrator: Said Frank.
Brenda: It was okay.
Narrator: Replied Brenda.
Brenda: But you were amazing.
Frank: I can't believe we were saving ourselves for the Great Beyond when...
Both: It was in front of us the whole time.
Frank: I love you, Brenda.
Brenda: I love you, Frank.
Narrator: Frank and Brenda hugged each other, as they reunited, yet again.
Sammy: You know, my boner still hasn't gone down. Is that bad?
Lavash: Bad for my body, I'll tell you that much. (Him and Sammy both laugh) Seriously, though, your recovery time is off the charts.
Barry: Guys! Oh, my God. You have to come with me right now.
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn... that we are not real! Booga booga booga.
Gum: While tripping chops, Firewater and I... made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is an illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of humans. The humans, in which we call "twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters", who are the puppet masters in another dimension! We... are something called... cartoons.
(Frank, Brenda, Barry, Sammy, Kareem and Teresa gasped)
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, schlubby Jewish actor named: Seth Rogen.
Frank: Wait? I'm Jewish?
Sammy: So who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named: Edward Norton.
Sammy: Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid an idiot name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution. I have invented a Stargate device that will allow us to travel to their dimension.
Firewater: Hell, yeah, he did. And it's dope. This guy's smart. I mean like, hump-a-guy smart. Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. We're gonna go to this other dimension...and cut the strings, once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's Stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
Narrator: The entire group proceeded to step into the portal, determined to confront their creators from the real world once and for all. The rest of the Shopwell's products lived happily ever after. Everyone at Shopwell's, except for Douche, who is now a weak and broken douche with a leak, Darren the store manager at Shopwell's, and other Shopwell's employees, and even Shopwell's customers. Hopefully, Douche and the humans will never return... or be seen... or even be heard from again. Ever.
Text: The End
Narrator: The End!
(Joy to the World by Three Dog Night plays as the credits roll)
(The Great Beyond plays)