Ricardio: Because it can only be done for friends. It is completely consensual.
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, holy cow...
Ricardio: Relax yourself now, Lumpy Space Princess... YAH! [Backflips and pounds her]
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh! I feel so great!
Finn: Who is that guy?
[Jake shrugs. A fanfare is heard and Princess Bubblegum enters.]
Princess Bubblegum: Greetings, party-goers! Glad you could all make it!
Finn: Princess Bubblegum! [Ricardio stares at her and he himself starts "beating" hard.] Princess. I just wanted to thank you for—
Lumpy Space Princess: [Cutting in] Oh, my gosh! PB, ya gotta check out this super cute guy. You're gonna love 'im. [They leave Finn and Jake.]
Lumpy Space Princess: This is... Oh. Oh, my gosh. I don't even know your name.
Ricardio: Ricardio. Ricardio at your service. I've been waiting all evening to meet you, Princess. [Kissing her hand] Mwah! [Finn pockets his gift, irritated.] I've heard you appreciate ancient technology. Have you ever used the balbaflonic laser to align the hybernotalist rift in the bubaflon plasmodial formation?
Princess Bubblegum: Whoa! No, I haven't! [Music starts up; crowd moves to the dance floor.] Wanna continue this conversation on the dance floor?
Ricardio: [Exiting with her] It would be my pleasure, Princess.
Finn: Why didn't the princess invite me to dance?
Jake: If you wanna dance, just go dance!
Finn: But now she's dancing with him! Ah... I feel... weird!
Jake: Huh, it sounds like you're dealing with some new emotions you don't understand... like jealousy.
Jake: Look, man, just go out there and get down! [Pushes him onto the dance floor]
Ricardio: [To Princess Bubblegum] —transmordial layers completely independent of the babylons. Eh?
Princess Bubblegum: Wow! That would mean that the babylons would fluctuate with the piranha-nanosphere!
Finn: Agh! [Goes back to Jake] They're talkin' about science, man! I can't compete with that!
Jake: Do the Science Dance! Remember it? It was sorta like this. [Does it] Wah unh we ah eeh...
Finn: You think that'll work?
Jake: Yeah! Probably. [Pushes him back onto the dance floor] Do it, man! You're a pro!
Finn: [Dancing] Science Dance! Science Dance!
Ricardio: [Still talking with Bubblegum] —lower proximities to—
Finn: Science Dance! Hey, eh, Princess! You wanna spend some time with me?
Ricardio: Excuse me, Princess. You must excuse me. [Exits]
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, uh... Alright! [To Finn] Finn, what the cabbage? I was learning about Zanoits!
Finn: [Prevaricating] Oh... I'm... into Zanoits! Th-They're the best!
Princess Bubblegum: Zanoits kill hundreds of thousands of Plantoids a year.
Finn: Oh, no, not the Plantoids!
Princess Bubblegum: Plantoids produce mellotoxin! [Finn stares.] Mellotoxin kills Zanoits!!
Finn: ...So are Zanoits... good things?
Princess Bubblegum: [Changing the subject] You're totally jealous of Ricardio.
Finn: No, I'm not. I just don't like the way he talks to you. It makes me feel weird.
Princess Bubblegum: That's jealousy, hun.
Finn: I'm not jealous! I'M WEIRD!!!
[The party notices Finn's scene.]
Jake: [To himself] Woof! Man... This is goin' bad. Hey, Finn. You gotta come help me slay these peanut monsters at the bar. It can't wait. [He and Finn are alone.] Wow, man, what happened out there?
Finn: Agh... I don't know! I was tryin' to warn 'er, but she twisted my words around and—
Jake: Yeah. Ladies are twisty, man. Bubblegum's super smart, too.
Finn: I know! And I can't shake this weird feeling about Ricardio. I think he's... a villain.
Jake: Why? Is it because his face is so foldy and dramatic?
Finn: No! I can just feel it in my gut! He's up to something sinister!
Jake: Maybe what you feel is romantic rivalry.
Finn: I'll prove he's a villain!
[Scene shifts to outside in the Candy Kingdom. Finn and Jake are on a roof, and Finn is looking through binoculars.]
Finn: Here he comes! [Viewing Ricardio and Princess Bubblegum] They're talking!
Jake: Lemme see. [Gets binoculars] I can read their lips. [Mimicking Princess Bubblegum] "Hey, shorty, you should pick your boogers and then fart!" [Mimicking Ricardio] "You look kind of like a big pink baguette!"
Finn: [Taking back binoculars] Get serious, Jake!! This is life and death!
Jake:Is it? Don't get me wrong. I'm all about stakeouts and spying on this guy, but what if he's not a villain? What if he just looks wicked? Some people look wicked but are super nice.
Finn: I gotta trust my gut!
Jake: [Grabbing gut] Hmm.
Finn: He's on the move! Let's roll! [The two swing onto a Guardian of the Royal Promise.] I see 'im. He's holding rope and going into the trash. He's smashing bottles—and pretending to stab someone!
Jake: So... he's recycling... or what?
Finn: [Takes off binoculars] I think your gut's a little naive, Jake. [Puts on binoculars] Holy moly! He's... he's with the Ice King! They're shouting something! [Ice King and Ricardio quarrel.] Ricardio is tossing him in the dumpster and running away!
Jake: So I was right! He is a good guy who's just cursed to look suspicious! [To gut] You and me, gut! Together forever! Solvin' crimes and makin' up rhymes!
Finn: No way. This proves he's a super-villain! More powerful than lesser villains like the Ice King!
Finn: Then it's settled! We're gonna confront Ricardio face-to-face and prove he's evil!
Jake: Or good!
[Scene cuts to downtown in the Candy Kingdom. Ricardio walks deviously and accidentally runs into Finn.]
Finn: So what're you doin', Ricardio? Are you evil?
Jake: Or nice with an evil face?
Ricardio: That's none of your business.
Finn: The safety of Princess Bubblegum is my business!
Jake: Yeah, we just wanna know if you're evil or not.
Ricardio: Oh, yeah?
Finn & Jake [In unison]: Yeah.
Ricardio: Oh, yeah?
Jake: Yeah. [Slightly annoyed] Yes!
Finn: You stay away from Princess Bubblegum with all that stuff!
Ricardio: Now that my plan is nearly complete, there is no way you could stop me.
Finn: I could stop you if I wanted!
Ricardio: Oh, yeah?
Ricardio: Oh, yeah??
[Finn punches Ricardio, knocking him down. Princess Bubblegum enters.]
Princess Bubblegum: [Gasps] What's going on here?
Princess Bubblegum: Ricardio?!
Ricardio: [Weakly] Yes... I'm alright, Princess.
Princess Bubblegum: Finn... why'd you do it?
Finn: He was gonna hurt you with those ropes and bottles!
Princess Bubblegum: These were for our balbaflonic laser.
Ricardio: It's not all his fault, Princess. I might've looked a little threatening.
Princess Bubblegum: Finn... you shouldn't punch brainiacs. You know how fragile they are! You gotta stop this jealous business.
Princess Bubblegum: C'mon, Ricardio. I'll patch you up and give you candy. [They exit.]
Finn: [Sigh] She hates me now. I was totally wrong about Ricardio.
Ice King: No, Finn! [Emerges from dark alleyway] You were not wrong. He is evil! [Collapses]
Finn: Ice King! What do you know about this? Tell me or I'll do something!
Jake: Hold up, Finn! The Ice King looks sorta damaged!
Finn: I don't care! I only care about Ricardio!
Ice King: But my enervated condition has everything to do with him. [Flashback begins; Ice King does voice-over] I was trying to cast a spell that would give me total control of Princess Bubblegum's heart! ...But I messed it all up... and lost control of mine. [Ricardio come's out of Ice King's chest in flashback. He runs towards the window laughing.] He planned to rip out Princess Bubblegum's heart... to make it his bride. [Ricardio sticks his tongue out and exits laughing.] Without my heart, I grew weak. [Ice King groans in flashback.] But I made my way to the Candy Kingdom to look for him. In an alleyway, I begged him to [In flashback, Ice King mouths these words as current Ice King says them] return to me and leave the princess alone. [Flashback ends.] But he threw me in the dumpster and left me for dead. [Reaching his hand out at Finn] Stop Ricardio!
Finn: [Slapping hand away] Agh! Come on, Jake! [They run to the Candy Castle.] Gotta save the princess!
Jake: Princess Bubblegum!!
Finn: Princess!! [Gasps]
Princess Bubblegum: Finn!! Jake!!
[She is tied up in the rope from earlier and Ricardio is next to her with the broken bottle in his hand.]
Ricardio: You were right all along, Finn! Now I'm going to cut out Princess Bubblegum's heart and make out with it!
Finn: Not if I can help it!
[They chase Ricardio, and Ricardio ends up next to Bubblegum again.]
Ricardio: One step closer and I'll remove her heart!!
Princess Bubblegum: Finn! I feel like a big idiot for doubting you! He was just so engaging! ...But his knowledge on plantoids is actually pretty weak.
Ricardio: Shut your mouth up, Princess! [Jake knocks Ricardio down by stretching his jowl at him.] I'm gonna smooch that heart!! It will be my bride!!
Finn: Why don't you marry someone your own size?! Like my foot?!
[Finn kicks him.]
Finn: And my fist?!
[Finn punches him twice.]
Ice King: [Crawling in] Stop! Stop it! That's my heart, you piece of—
Finn: Ice King. [Ice King crawls towards Ricardio.] Should we... let 'im take his heart back? He is... villainous...
Jake: I don't wanna watch an old man die on Princess Bubblegum's carpet, man.
Ice King: Oh, yeah...
Ricardio: Wait! Wait! No!
Ice King: Come to daddy...
Ice King: Yeah, there you go... [Puts him in his chest] Like that? Huh?
Ricardio: [Sinking into chest] Seeee you guys laterrrr...
Ice King: [Reinvigorated] I feel wonderful! Hahaha! And now that I've saved the Princess, she'll marry me and live in my dungeon every day!
Finn: No, she won't!
Princess Bubblegum:Yeah, no, I won't!
Ice King: Yes you WILL! [He charges up his ice magic, but Finn kicks him. He begins flying away.] Well... maybe not today... or tomorrow... but another day! Another—[Accidentally knocks head on door frame. He grunts in pain as he exits.]
[Scene cuts to a dining room in the castle. Finn, Jake, and Bubblegum are eating spaghetti.]
Princess Bubblegum: Thanks again for saving me... again.
Finn: [Mouth full] Don't mention it.
Princess Bubblegum: Now that Ricardio's gone, you don't have to be jealous of anyone anymore. [Winks]
Finn: I never get jealous.
Princess Bubblegum: [Romantically] Kiss me, Finn. [Finn blushes, astonished.] Ahem. [She is doing a hand-stand and wearing a Jake mask on her posterior. She uses a deeper voice.] I mean... kiss me, Finn. [Normal voice, whispering] Am I doing it right, Jake?