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  • (This episode begins at Barone's house)
  • Debra: What are you doing?
  • Ray: I never remember where I get these black and blue marks. It freaks me out.
  • Debra: So you're starting a bruise journal?
  • Ray: Yeah, yeah. I just hurt myself. Shin on toilet; Light to medium impact.
  • Debra: Maybe I shouldn't leave you alone here for the weekend.
  • Ray: No, no, no. Come on. The kids-- kids have to see their other grandparents. We can't have them growing up thinking what's across the street is normal, right?
  • Ally: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
  • Doll: Daddy! Daddy!
  • Ally: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
  • Doll: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
  • Ray: See? I told you she'd love that doll.
  • Debra: Yeah, thanks a lot, Ray. That's gonna be fun all the way to Connecticut.
  • Ray: Man, I wish I was going. The game's a joke. It's a blowout. Let's see what else is on.
  • Man: I can do it!
  • Ray: It's my house.
  • Doug: Can I ask you guys something? When was the last time you cried?
  • Gianni: What do you mean? About sports?
  • Doug: No, something real. I mean really cried.
  • Gianni: So nothing with sports?
  • Doug: No. Like last week I was watching "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. The guy was looking for his shrunken kids and I cried 'cause I didn't think my father would come looking for me.
  • Gianni: It wouldn't be hard to find you.
  • Man: Yeah, you just look under the cookie that's moving across the floor.
  • Ray: No, no, no. No, guys. I know what he's talking about with the crying thing. The other day, I dropped my twins off at pre-school and I was watching them go in, you know? And just as the door was closing, I saw Michael take Geoffrey's hand and I don't know.
  • Gianni: I'm going home before you guys start making out.
  • Man: Yeah, I gotta go. It's getting late. I gotta go.
  • Ray: Whoa! Wait, wait!
  • Man: Hey, Gianni. I'll tell you my cry story in the car.
  • Gianni: Great! That'll be my throw-up story.
  • Ray: Whoa! What are you talking about? We're just getting started here.
  • Doug: Ray, we've been here like four hours.
  • Ray: Oh come on, man. It's not even 1 1 :00.
  • Man: I've been up since 6:00 A.M. I'm tired.
  • Ray: Come on. What, you can't take it, huh? You're wimps. What, you're not men?
  • Gianni: Ray, you're the one that just told us you cry because you think your twins are gay.
  • Ray: That wasn't the point of the story!
  • Gianni: I don't want to know the point of the story.
  • Ray: Come on, it's my one night of freedom here, guys! Doug! Oh, come on!
  • Aileen: I probably should get going. I have to get up early.
  • Rob: Oh, is it getting late?
  • Aileen: Maybe not.
  • Rob: What the hell is that? It's 12:30.
  • Ray: Hey.
  • Rob: Hey, what? What do you want?
  • Ray: No kids, no Debra. Come on, what are we doing?
  • Rob: Nothing. Thanks for stopping by.
  • Ray: Come on! Come on, man! I'm free here. Oh. Hi.
  • Aileen: Hello. I'm Aileen.
  • Ray: I'm Ray. Robert's brother. Yeah, uh, okay, sorry. Look, you guys get back to, uh, whatever it was you were doing on the couch. And, uh we'll talk tomorrow.
  • Rob: Not about what you did. Go now.
  • Aileen: Actually, Robert, I'd better get going.
  • Ray: No, no, stay.
  • Rob: Yeah, stay.
  • Aileen: No.
  • Ray: Please, please, stay.
  • Aileen: It's late. Nice to meet you, Ray. I'll call you.
  • Ray: Who me? Oh him! Yeah, him. Yeah, call him. Yeah, please call him. Whoops.
  • Rob: What the hell is wrong with you?
  • Ray: What? I just wanted to hang out. I didn't know I'd be walking in on Beauty and the Beast.
  • Rob: Since when do we hang out at midnight?
  • Ray: What? I didn't want to go to bed yet! Huh? Come on, why should I stay up in an empty house all night when I can do whatever I want!
  • Rob: You know, you are unbelievable!
  • Ray: I'm unbelievably ready to roll. That's what I am. Ha, ha, he, he!
  • Rob: Wait a minute, empty house?
  • Ray: That's right, I'm free!
  • Rob: Debra and the kids are away?
  • Ray: Uh-huh. Hey! Hey, Jacuzzi! Jacuzzi! & Jacuzzi, Jacuzzi, Ja-ja-ja-jacuzzi & & Bubbles in my heinie & & Bubbles in & & My heinie-- & What?
  • Rob: You're afraid to spend the night alone.
  • Ray: How do you get that from bubbles in my heinir?
  • Rob: Ray, it's me you're talking to. We use to share a bedroom. You get scared.
  • Ray: What? You don't know what you're talking about. I do not.
  • Rob: Yeah? Remember how long you had to keep the Popeye nightlight, scardey-pooh?
  • Ray: Yeah, well, until Popeye came along you had to keep the hallway light on.
  • Rob: Only after one of Dad's bedtime stories.
  • Ray: Which was every night.
  • Rob: Listen, if you're having trouble sleeping just turn on the TV.
  • Ray: I'm not having trouble sleeping. I'm fine, okay? I'm not scared, Robert.
  • Rob: Yeah. Listen to your big brother. Okay? Watch some TV. Discovery Channel, cubby. Nature will put you right out.
  • Ray: Yeah, yeah. Unless it's about monkeys, right?
  • Rob: What's that suppose to mean?
  • Ray: Nothing. I just, uh-- I remember a particular shoetree in your closet that had a shadow.
  • Rob: All right!
  • Ray: That you thought looked like a monkey holding an axe.
  • Rob: Hey, listen, I was 10 years old and my shoetrees were big.
  • Ray: Pointy holes and an axe.
  • Rob: Yeah, I'm over it now!
  • Ray: Oh, yeah? Got any shoetrees in your closet?
  • Rob: It's none of your business and it's time for you to go. All right, get outta here!
  • Ray: This place is stupid
  • Rob: Yeah. Oh, and, uh, good luck in that big, dark house you're gonna be all alone in. Or are you?
  • Ray: All right, that was something. Who is it there? Now I can't hear the murderer.
  • Man (On TV): The mother decides to nurse its young under the cooling shade of a nearby tree. Unfortunately, that decision will cost the gazelle its life. The lion will catch her--
  • Ray: No, no, no!! Thanks, Robert! Stupid nature. Friggin' doll! Hey.
  • Marie: Oh, Raymond. What are you doing up? Can't you sleep, dear?
  • Ray: No, no. No, I could sleep if I wanted to. I just, uh--
  • Marie: Aw. You miss Debra and the kids. Aw.
  • Ray: Yeah. Yeah, them. So, what are you doing still awake?
  • Marie: I'm making tea for Robert.
  • Ray: Robert?
  • Marie: Yeah. They fumigated his apartment today and he can't go back home until tomorrow.
  • Ray: Oh, really?
  • Marie: Yes. He said they had army ants.
  • Ray: Army ants.
  • Rob: Well, what are you doing over here?
  • Ray: Hey, I just had to walk across the street. You had to drive here, Officer Barone.
  • Marie: What are you talking about?
  • Rob: Ray's scared.
  • Ray: Hey, you're the one who's scared!
  • Marie: What do you mean? You sick? You in trouble? Someone bullying you?
  • Rob: No, Ma.
  • Marie: Then what? What are you scared of?
  • Rob: Being alone.
  • Marie: You mean for the rest of your life?
  • Rob: No, but thanks for bringing up that possibility.
  • Marie: Then what is it?
  • Rob: You know, noises. The dog. Things in the closet. It just-- sometimes it creeps me out, you know? Raymond too!
  • Ray: Hey, hey, hey. Speak for yourself here.
  • Rob: Hey, you're the one who came over to my place tonight.
  • Ray: Yes, and there were no army ants.
  • Rob: Oh, my house is empty. Debra's gone! Oh, no! I'm frightened.
  • Ray: Shut up, ass of the world!
  • Rob: You shut up, schmuck of the whole neighborhood!
  • Ray: That's smaller, you idiot!
  • Rob: I know it's smaller!
  • Marie: Stop, stop, stop! Stop! Raymond, your brother is not a monkey. There's nothing wrong with being a little frightened. We all get scared sometimes, right?
  • Ray: Yeah.
  • Marie: And you can there's no reason why you can't come over here every once in a while. That's fine. Doesn't it make you feel good that there's a place to go if you're feeling scared, Robbie?
  • Rob: Yeah, I guess.
  • Marie: Raymond?
  • Frank: Hello, ladies.
  • Marie: Frank!
  • Ray: Jerk!
  • Marie: Why do you do that?
  • Frank: They're scared already. That's why I did it. You're grown men, for God's sake. What's wrong with you?
  • Ray: Hey, you're the one who started the whole thing.
  • Frank: Well, what the hell's that suppose to mean?
  • Ray: Oh, you don't remember the stories? Gargoyles in our closet? Or a big brother who's just waiting for me to fall asleep so he can steal my brain?
  • Rob: Or a little brother who's half-spider?
  • Frank: Half-spider.
  • Ray: Yeah, very funny, Dad.
  • Frank: Give me a break! You asked for them. Scare us, Daddy. Tell us a scary story.
  • Ray: We also asked to drive the car. You know? I mean, you should know better. You scared the hell out of us.We couldn't sleep.
  • Rob: Yeah, couple of times we even wet our beds. I never did that.
  • Marie: Oh, Frank! Look what you did to them!
  • Frank: Don't give me that, Marie! You loved it when I scared them! Then they'd come running to you and you could hug and cuddle and slobber all over them.
  • Ray: Hey, that was nice. That's an actual good memory I have. She'd calm us down.
  • Rob: Yeah. She use to scratch my head. That helped.
  • Marie: I didn't like seeing my boys scared.
  • Ray: Remember butter cookies?
  • Rob: Oh yeah, you got any of those, Ma?
  • Marie: Oh, sure, honey. Let me get them.
  • Ray: I like the pretzel- looking ones.
  • Rob: Remember that we'd go upstairs to our room to get away from him? Then we'd talk about the Mets till we feel asleep.
  • Ray: Yeah. I'm glad you were there, cubby.
  • Rob: Yeah, me too. It was good.
  • Frank: Yeah. Personally, I like leprechauns.
  • Ray: What?
  • Frank: Leprechauns. Cute harmless little lrish guys. And whenever I'd tell you guys a story, I'd throw in a couple of leprechauns to scare the bejesus outta you. Hey, Ray? How did I know little Raymond was afraid of leprechauns?
  • Ray: I don't know.
  • Frank: Any ideas, Robert?
  • Rob: Oh, Dad, don't start pointing fingers, okay? That's not gonna work. Right, Ray?
  • Ray: That's right. How did he know about the leprechauns?
  • Rob: I don't know. It wasn't me. Maybe it was Ma.
  • Marie: I don't know anything about that. All I know is I couldn't serve you Lucky Charms. *Frank: He was me little spy.
  • Ray: You told him!
  • Rob: Oh, all right. Yes, I did. I told him.
  • Marie: Robert! Why would you do that?
  • Rob: I liked when he told us the stories but I didn't want to get scared. And I had no problem with leprechauns.
  • Ray: Oh, great! So you could sleep and I could stay up all night waiting for those little monsters to come and take me to their nest.
  • Rob: Nest?
  • Ray: That's right, nest!
  • Rob: Listen, I'm sorry, okay? Don't think I didn't hate myself for it. Don't forget. At that time I thought you might be half-spider. You know in those days when I was running information to Dad, I think the guilt was the cause of my occasional bedwetting.
  • Ray: All right, look, whatever. It was a long time ago.
  • Rob: Yeah, but it was wrong. We were suppose to stick together, right? I mean, we're brothers.
  • Ray: Brothers do those kind of things.
  • Rob: Not good ones.
  • Ray: All right, listen! I gotta tell you something! You never wet your bed. I use to-- I use to wait until you fell asleep and then I'd pour a glass of water in there with you.
  • Rob: What?!
  • Marie: What?!
  • Ray: Well I-- I didn't want to always look like a baby, you know? Calling for Mom when I was scared. I knew that she would come if you wet your bed.
  • Marie: I always wondered why I was up by your shoulders.
  • Ray: I'm sorry, man. I'm just-- Sorry! Look, I was six! I was under a lot of pressure.
  • Marie: Oh, you just did that, Raymond, 'cause you wanted to be near your mommy.
  • Frank: Well ain't this a kick in the ass? Everyone was so quick to blame me for all of this, but look at you. You've all got blood on your hands. Now I'm going back to bed and I'm gonna sleep the sleep of the just.
  • Ray: All right, I'm going home. I'm going home. This little exorcism wore me out. Robert, come on. You can sleep on my couch.
  • Frank: Good night, girls!
  • Ray: Come on, let's go.
  • Marie: Good night, boys. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Not that there are bedbugs. You're perfectly safe. But make sure you lock your door.
  • Ray: Got it, Ma!
  • Marie: Because in the neighborhood--
  • Ray: Yeah, we know! Hey, come on.
  • Rob: What are you doing?
  • Ray: Mom's making herself tea. We can get Dad. Come on, let's go. He's still in the bathroom. Come on, go, go.
  • Rob: This is so great!
  • Ray: Yeah, get in, get in. Little payback time.
  • Rob: Yeah. So how should we do it?
  • Ray: We'll just jump out and scream.
  • Rob: Yeah, like, "We're gonna get you!" Or, "We need blood!" or "I got a hammer!"
  • Ray: No, no, no, just-- just scream like, "Yeah!
  • Rob: Yeah, good. "Yeah!" Whooooo!
  • Ray: No whooo! Just, Yeah!
  • Rob: Yeah, "Yeah!
  • Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
  • Rob: This is so fun, you know?
  • Ray: Yeah, yeah.
  • Rob: We gotta do this more often.
  • Ray: We should do this a lot. Maybe the more we do it to him, the less we'll be scared.
  • Rob: Yeah, like therapy.
  • Ray: Yeah, something like that. Next time we should get him in the shower.
  • Rob: There he is!
  • Ray: Shut up, shut up, shut up!
  • Rob: Okay, when do we go?
  • Ray: No, we just wait. Wait until he gets into bed.
  • Rob: Yeah, good. Get comfortable there, old man. Nice-- nice and relaxed.
  • Frank: Come on, Marie. What's with that face? They're gonna be fine.
  • Ray: Oh, no, Mom!
  • Rob: Oh, I don't want to scare her.
  • Ray: Damn it!
  • Rob: Let's just walk out right now.
  • Ray: No, no! No, we'll wait. We'll wait till they fall asleep. Then we'll sneak out. Damn.
  • Frank: Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?
  • Rob: What? What haven't they done?
  • Frank: Come over here.
  • Rob: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
  • Ray: Please don't. Don't, don't, don't, don't go over there, Ma. Don't go, don't go.
  • Frank: Oh, yeah!
  • Ray: We're in here! We're in here!
  • Rob: We didn't see anything!
  • Ray: We were in the closet! We were in the closet!
  • Frank: Scared ya, huh?
  • Ray: You're a sick man!
  • Rob: What the hell is wrong with you?!
  • Ray: I'll tell you! I'll tell you what's wrong with him! He's a sick man! You're a sick man!
  • Rob: Sick man!
  • Frank: You tried to scare me, huh?! When you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
  • Marie: What's going on here?
  • Frank: Got 'em again, Marie! Terrified them!
  • Marie: Oh, Frank!
  • Ray: He's a sick man, Ma!
  • Marie: I know. Did he scare you?
  • Rob: Uh-huh.
  • Marie: Oh, come on. Let's go downstairs, all right? I'll make you boys some cocoa and I still have the butter cookies. Everything will be fine, honey. I'll protect you from your mean 'ol daddy. lsn't this nice? I love it!
  • Frank: Scared myself a little.
  • Debra: Oh, I missed my bed.
  • Ray: Yeah.
  • Debra: Let me see this.
  • Ray: What?
  • Debra: Robert's elbow into my rib in Mom and Dad's closet.
  • Rob: Long story. Scary.
  • [End of Ray Home Alone]

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