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  • [first lines; four owls starts playing music and singing one of them starts to narrate]
  • Senor Flan: We are gathered here today to immortalize in song, the life and untimely death of a great legend. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your low calorie popcorn and assorted confections, while we tell you the strange and bewildering tale of a hero who has yet to enter his own story.
  • [breaths in with his eyes closed]
  • Rango: Hmmm. Hmmmaoh. Muh. Mmmuh! Mmmmuh! Hmmmuh! Congy-creamy-coky-candle- cupcake.
  • [shakes his face and opens his eyes]
  • Rango: Okay, everybody! Let’s take it from the top.
  • Rango: The stage is set. The night moist with apprehension. Alone in her chamber, the princess prepares to take her own life.
  • [he reveals a naked top of a plastic doll; Rango speaks as the princess in a woman’s voice]
  • Rango: It is far better to nourish worms than to live without love!
  • [changes his voice to his own]
  • Rango: She reaches for the poison chalice. Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio plots his ascension to the throne.
  • [Rango laughs wickedly]
  • Rango: While her aging father lies gravely ill.
  • [in a voice of frail old man]
  • Rango: Yes, I’m gravely ill.
  • [Rango continues with his stage play]
  • Rango: Hark, who goes there?
  • [in the voice of a hero with a sword in his hand]
  • Rango: It is I! The much anticipated hero returning to rescue his emotionally unstable maiden. Unhand her you jailers of virtue or taste the bitter sting of my vengeance!
  • [he thrusts his sword forward again]
  • Rango: The sting of my…the…
  • [Rango stops his acting]
  • Rango: Doctor Marks? Doctor Marks, I’m not getting anything from you!
  • [he sighs]
  • Rango: People, we’ve talked about this! Acting is reacting.
  • [he turns and talks to the palm tree behind him]
  • Rango: Victor, you were wooden! There, I said it.
  • [he turns and points to the plastic fish in the water puddle]
  • Rango: Mister Tims, you were good. Perhaps a little too good! What’s that, Victor?
  • [turns to face the palm tree again]
  • Rango: My character’s undefined? That’s absurd! I know who I am. I’m theeee…I’m the guy! The protagonist, the hero! Every story needs a hero! I mean, who else is better qualified to bask in the adulation of his numerous companions!
  • [thinking to himself]
  • Rango: [voice over] The stage is waiting. The audience thirsts for adventure. Who am I? I could be anyone!
  • [speaking in a sea captain’s voice]
  • Rango: I…I could be the sea captain returning from a mighty voyage, to reclaim his mechanical arm!
  • [he starts hitting himself in the head with his arm that he’s pretending is mechanical]
  • Rango: Or I could be the rogue anthropologist, battling pythons down in the Congo!
  • [makes his own tail into a snake and starts strangling himself]
  • [speaking in a fake Spanish accent]
  • Rango: And if you desire romance, I will become the greatest lover the world has ever known!
  • [gets a guitar and starts playing]
  • Rango: Hola!
  • [notices the naked top of a plastic doll and walks over to it; starts speaking in his fake Spanish accent]
  • Rango: I couldn’t help but notice you noticing me noticing you. You know the women find me uncomfortably good looking. But you seem remarkably at ease.
  • [he pushes the dolls arm forward so it touches his knee]
  • Rango: Oh, stop it!
  • [pushes the dolls arm away but with his other arm pushes the plastic arm back on his knee]
  • Rango: No, really!
  • [he pushes the dolls arm away again]
  • Rango: Well, if you must!
  • [he brings the dolls arm back on his knee]
  • Rango: Ha-ha! What are you doing?
  • [keeps pushing the dolls arm backward and then forward to his knee]
  • Rango: Oh! That tickles! Are those real?
  • [he slaps himself with the dolls arm]
  • [after he’s slapped himself with the doll’s arm]
  • Rango: Huh! That’s it! Conflict! Victor, you were right! I have been undefined!
  • [addressing all his pretend friends]
  • Rango: People, I’ve had an epiphany! The hero cannot exist in a vacuum! What our storyepiphany needs is an ironic, unexpected event, that will propel the hero into conflict.
  • [just then we see that Rango is a pet kept in a glass aquarium traveling in the back of a car which swerves, the aquarium falls off the car into the middle of the road breaking]
  • [Rango spots an armadillo lying in the middle of the road]
  • Roadkill: I need a little help here.
  • [the armadillo as a large gap in his body where the car wheel has passed through him]
  • Rango: Uh…are you okay?
  • Roadkill: I must get to the other side.
  • Rango: The other side? You mean that…just now that was you crossing the road? That’s why the…
  • [he starts reenacting the car swerving off the road and him falling out of the car]
  • Rango: Why’d you do that?
  • Roadkill: This is my quest. He waits for me.
  • Rango: Wha…who?
  • Roadkill: The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one! They say he rides an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him.
  • Rango: What are…what are you talkin’ about?
  • Roadkill: Enlightenment. We are nothing without it.
  • Rango: Nothing?! Your delusional quest just ruined my life! I had an incredibly complex social network going! Highly sophisticated friends! I was very popular!
  • Roadkill: Friends? I don’t see no friends.
  • Rango: Well, uh…the…
  • Roadkill: You are a very lonely lizard. Now, uh…help me up. And I will help you find what you seek.
  • Rango: Uh, you…you will?
  • Roadkill: Quickly now, I must get back to my quest.
  • Rango: You mean, you’ve done this before?
  • Roadkill: Oh, yes! Many times.
  • [Rango walks up on to Roadkill’s body]
  • Roadkill: That’s it. Pull my finger
  • Rango: Uhhh…
  • Roadkill: The Spirit is waiting for me.
  • Rango: Okay. Okay.
  • [Rango grabs hold of Roadkill’s finger and starts pulling, but he fails to move Roadkill]
  • Rango: Okay! That’s not gonna work.
  • [after Rango has failed to move Roadkill]
  • Roadkill: I must get to the other side.
  • Rango: Why don’t you just wait until there are no cars coming?
  • Roadkill: It’s not so easy as it looks.
  • Rango: The what?
  • Roadkill: It’s a metaphor.
  • [just then a massive truck heads towards them]
  • [lying in the middle of the road after being run over by the truck]
  • Roadkill: You need a little help, amigo?
  • Rango: I think the metaphor broke my spleen!
  • Roadkill: The path to knowledge is fraught with consequences.
  • Rango: Yeah, I’m just looking for the path to water.
  • Roadkill: If you want to find water, you must first find dirt.
  • Rango: Uh…dirt.
  • [Roadkill laughs]
  • Roadkill: Destiny, she is kind to you. Tomorrow is Wednesday, the water comes. At noon the towns people gather for a mysterious ritual…
  • Rango: Wow! What uhhh…a town? You mean like with real people and everything? Where?
  • Roadkill: A days journey. Follow your shadow.
  • Rango: You want me to just walk out into the desert?
  • Roadkill: Uh-hum. That’s the way.
  • Rango: Okay. So you’re saying there’s a town, a real town? Not a metaphor town?
  • Roadkill: Go on. It’s okay.
  • Rango: Okay. Well, then I’m going. I am leaving the road now!
  • [he turns to go]
  • Rango: I am walking into the desert! Alone!
  • [he starts walking slowly towards the desert; Roadkill calls out to him]
  • Roadkill: We all have our journeys to make.
  • [he turns his face away and says quietly]
  • Roadkill: I will see you on the other side.
  • [the four owls starts singing as Rango walks through the desert]
  • Senor Flan: Here in the Mojave desert, animals have had millions of years to adapt to the harsh environment. But the lizard, he is going to die.
  • Rock-Eye: Don’t move.
  • [Rango looks round to see who’s talking but all he sees is a desert bush]
  • Rango: What?
  • Rock-Eye: Don’t move!
  • Rango: I’m not moving!
  • Rock-Eye: Shhh!
  • Rango: [whispering] Not moving!
  • Rock-Eye: Try to blend in.
  • Rango: What? Blend in? Wha…whaaa…what do you mean?
  • [he looks round and walks towards a large looking rock lying on the desert ground]
  • Rock-Eye: Blend in!
  • [an open eye suddenly appears on the rock]
  • Rango: Huh? Wh…wha…wha…what are you saying?
  • [suddenly he hears a hawk fly above them]
  • Rock-Eye: Too late!
  • Rango: No! No! It’s not too late! I…I…I…I’m blending!
  • [panicking he starts to throw dirt on himself]
  • Rango: I’m a blender! Ah!
  • [he panics and starts running around]
  • Rock-Eye: Calm down! What are you doing?
  • [to Rango]
  • Rock-Eye: Try not to look conspicuous.
  • [Rango stands very still and puts his hands up so as to resemble a desert cactus]
  • [as the hawk flies above them Rango quickly curls into a ball and lies next to Rock-Eye]
  • Rock-Eye: Pssst? What are you doing?
  • Rango: I’m blending.
  • Rock-Eye: Well, blend somewhere else.
  • Rango: Don’t distract me.
  • Rock-Eye: No room at the inn!
  • Rango: It’s an art not a science!
  • [as they hear the hawk above them]
  • Rock-Eye: Oh! Here she comes! You better run, mojita!
  • Rango: You what? I thought you said don’t move?
  • Rock-Eye: That was before! Now, you run!
  • [Rango gets up, suddenly the eagle flies straight towards him and he starts running]
  • Rock-Eye: Adios, amigo!
  • [as the hawk grabs the bottle Rango has placed himself in and flies high]
  • Rango: Please! Please don’t! Please don’t! Please don’t! I…I…I have vertigo! And my glands are swollen!
  • [as the bottle that Rango’s in hits Rock-Eye in the back as it lands on him]
  • Rock-Eye: You! I’ll kill you! You stupid little! Get out of there! I’m gonna strangle your…
  • Rango: No! Don’t!
  • [Rango points to the hawk who’s now flying towards them, Rango starts to roll his bottle forward]
  • Rock-Eye: No! Please! Hey, I was just kidding! Come on! We’re friends, huh?
  • Rango: I don’t know you!
  • Rock-Eye: We’re practically related!
  • Rango: No!
  • Rock-Eye: Come on, move over! I’ll let you kiss my sister!
  • [Rango sees the barrel of shotgun being pointed straight at his face]
  • Beans: Get your slimy, webbed phalanges off my boots!
  • Rango: Oh! Uh…sorry!
  • [Rango takes his hands off her boots]
  • Beans: I got a beat on you, stranger. You get up real slow. Unless you wanna spend a big part of your afternoon pickin’ your face back together!
  • Rango: Nnnno…no Ma’am, I don’t.
  • Beans: Who are you?
  • Rango: Whhhoo…am I?
  • Beans: I’m askin’ the questions here!
  • [she points her gun into his face]
  • Beans: Our town is dried up. We’re in the middle of a drought, now someone’s dumpin’ water in the desert. Now I suppose it’s indeterminable somethin’ to mention, but I intend to find out what role you play in all this.
  • Rango: Role?
  • Beans: What are you involved in?
  • Rango: Oh! Well, I…I…I’m glad you asked. I’ve got two one acts, a mystery and a musical I’ve been gestating. I’ve got the words. I’m just kinda workin’ on the melody right now. It’s like a…
  • [he starts humming the tune]
  • Rango: I think it’s gonna be a western.
  • [he starts singing]
  • Beans: You ain’t from round here, are you?
  • Rango: I…I’m…I’m still workin’ on it.
  • [she walks away from him towards her carriage]
  • Rango: Uh…so, what’s your name?
  • Beans: Beans.
  • Rango: That’s a funny kinda name.
  • Beans: What can I say, my daddy plum loved baked beans.
  • Rango: Well, you’re lucky he didn’t plum love asparagus.
  • Beans: What…what are you sayin’?
  • Rango: I mean, I…I…I enjoy a hearty puttanesca myself, but I’m not sure that the child uh…would appreciate the moniker.
  • Beans: My daddy was a great man. Even if he did exhibit a proclivity for lagoons and he…
  • [she notices that Rango is eating from one of the jars she had on her carriage]
  • Rango: Mmmmm. Spicy.
  • Beans: You are eatin’ his ashes!
  • Rango: Uh!
  • [he spits out the remains of what he was eating]
  • Rango: You carry his remains?
  • Beans: No! His ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body.
  • Rango: Oh! Well, I’m sure he had his reasons.
  • Beans: What are you implyin’?
  • Rango: Nothing. I…
  • Beans: My daddy was never near that mine shaft. He had been sober for over a month. And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at a delicate time in my personal development is an upfront to my…
  • [she suddenly freezes]
  • [as Beans unfreezes she finds Rango standing close beside her with his hand on her shoulder]
  • Beans: What?
  • Rango: What are you doing?
  • Beans: What…what are you doin’?
  • Rango: What am I doin?
  • Beans: You’re…
  • Rango: What…do
  • Beans: You’re cuddlin’ me.
  • Rango: You were frozen.
  • Beans: No, I wasn’t.
  • Rango: Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
  • Beans: Well, uh…it’s…it’s a defense mechanism. Actually, lots of lizards have it.
  • Rango: You’re making that up!
  • Beans: So, you’re gonna die out here or you wanna a ride into town?
  • Rango: No! No! No! Uh…yeah! No! Yes, please. Thank you.
  • [he gets on her carriage and sits beside her]
  • Rango: Sorry.
  • Beans: Today’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s when we all get to it. So who are you really?
  • Rango: Well, I’m a man of many epithets. There’s my stage name, my pen name, my avatar. Had a pseudonym once, but had to leave Ushane.
  • [as Rango and Bean ride off the four owls appear and start playing music]
  • Senor Flan: And so the stranger seeking companionship finds a woman. Much like the sirens of the ancient times, luring him to his certain demise.
  • [when Rango arrives in the desert town some rodent kids throw a stone, hitting his head]
  • Rango: Ahh! What was that for?
  • Priscilla: You’re funny lookin’.
  • Rango: Well, you’re funny lookin’ too!
  • Priscilla: That’s a funny lookin’ shirt.
  • Rango: That’s funny lookin’ dress!
  • Priscilla: You got funny lookin’ eyes.
  • Rango: You got a funny lookin’ face!
  • Priscilla: You’re a stranger. Strangers don’t last long here.
  • [she walks away from him]
  • [in the town saloon Rango walks up to the bar with everyone looking at him; Rango clears his throat]
  • Rango: I’d like a glass of water.
  • [everyone in the saloon laughs]
  • Jedidiah: He wants a glass of water!
  • Doc: Make it a double!
  • Rodent at bar: Make it two!
  • Buford: Cactus juice. That’s what we got.
  • [after he’s drunk some cactus juice at the town saloon]
  • Spoons: Hey there, fruit cup? You’re a long ways from home, ain’t ya? Who exactly are you?
  • [he looks at himself in the saloon mirror and starts thinking to himself]
  • Rango: [voice over] Who am I? Could be anyone.
  • [he looks at the cactus juice bottle he’s holding and the name with the first letter missing spells ‘Rango’]
  • Spoons: What’s the matter? You missing your mommy’s mango’s?
  • Rango: As a matter of fact, I am.
  • [Rango suddenly drops the cactus juice bottle and turn around]
  • Rango: Not as much as your daddy’s cookin’!
  • Spoons: Uh…exactly where did you say you were from?
  • Rango: Me? I’m from the West. Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The far West.
  • [everyone in the saloon gasps]
  • Rango: Yeah, that’s right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast, just to work up an appetite.
  • [his tongue flips out quickly to catch an insect]
  • Rango: Then we salt him and we pepper him, then we braise him clarified butter and then we eat him.
  • Jedidiah: You eat him?
  • Rango: That’s what I said! Hell, I’ve seen things make a grown man lose control of his glandular function. You spend three days in a horse carcass, livin’ off you own juices. It’ll change a man! So no, my hersoot rodent little friend, I am not from around these parts.
  • [he walks up to the bar]
  • Rango: You might say I’m from everywhere there’s trouble brewin’ and hell waiting to be raised. You might say I’m what hell’s already raised up!
  • [he takes a swig of the cactus juice]
  • Rango: Name’s…Rango!
  • Merrimack: I don’t have any other choice, Beans. Times being so hard, we…we just can’t give no more credit.
  • Beans: But this here is a bank! This is where you keep the water.
  • Merrimack: Keep the wate…
  • [he starts laughing]
  • Merrimack: Beans, you’ve been like a niece to me. Ever since your daddy…
  • [he stops his next words as Beans gives him a hard look]
  • Merrimack: …did not fall drunk down a mine shaft. And uh…I’ve…I’ve tried to protect you and others from certain realities. Oh…the weight of them realities…
  • Beans: Mr. Merrimack?
  • Merrimack: …are bearing down.
  • Beans: Mr. Merrimack?
  • Merrimack: Mmmm.
  • Beans: Are you all right?
  • Merrimack: Please, I need to sho…show you something.
  • [Merrimack opens the bank vault that holds the town’s water]
  • Beans: That’s all that’s left?!
  • Merrimack: And this here is the reserve! Now, I don’t know as if you’ve noticed, but folks just ain’t makin’ deposits on a Wednesday no more.
  • Beans: Mr. Merrimack, if I don’t get some water I’m gonna lose my ranch, and you’re tellin’ me that’s all that’s left in the whole tank! Now, that just don’t make no sense. Now, listen. Someone is dumpin’ water in the desert. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!
  • [Merrimack laughs in her face]
  • Merrimack: Water in the desert! Was this durin’ one of your…
  • [he freezes himself for a moment to imitate what happens to her]
  • Merrimack: …special times?
  • Beans: No!
  • Merrimack: Well, we can all dream. But this is the reality. Why do you think so many people are sellin’ out? They just can’t make it.
  • Beans: Well…I…what am I supposed to do?
  • Merrimack: Well, I suppose we could talk to the Mayor. I hear he’s been helpin’ people out in this time of crisis.
  • Beans: The Mayor?
  • Merrimack: He maybe our only hope.
  • [Bad Bill enters the saloon with two of his thugs shooting his gun and holding a frightened rooster]
  • Bad Bill: You got coal in your ears, mate? You don’t pay the mortgage, you don’t own the land!
  • Bad Bill’s thug #1: That’s basic real estate law, my friend.
  • Bad Bill’s thug #2:Your broke law!
  • Bad Bill: If I see your face in this town again I’m gonna slice it off.
  • [he holds his knife to the roosters face]
  • Bad Bill: And use it to wipe my unmentionables.
  • Bad Bill’s thug #1: Mind the beak.
  • [Bad Bill sees Rango standing at the bar]
  • Bad Bill: What is this?
  • Spoons: You know who that is, Bill? That there is Rango.
  • Waffles: Yeah, yeah! He ain’t afraid of you. He ain’t afraid of any of you.
  • Rodent in saloon #1: Killed them Jenkins brothers.
  • Delilah: Done it with one bullet, Bill.
  • Rodent in saloon #2: All seven of them!
  • [looking at Rango suspiciously]
  • Bad Bill: Is that right?
  • [as Bad Bill and Rango are facing each other for a duel]
  • Rango: All right, listen. I wanna give you fellas one last chance to reconsider.
  • [his gun belt drops down his waste, Rango looks embarrassed as he goes to pick it up]
  • Rango: And if you don’t wanna reconsider, I’m a considerably, considerin’ it myself!
  • [as a shadow of a hawk flies above them everyone in the town suddenly goes into hiding and Rango watches as Bad Bill runs away]
  • Rango: Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.
  • [not realizing that there is a giant hawk is behind him]
  • Rango: Yeah. All right now, listen up! Things are gonna be different around here now that Rango’s in town. Got some new rules; I want my shoe shined every mornin’, my coffee hot, danish on the side. Whatever you do, don’t look me in the eye! Stay out of my peripheral vision!
  • [still not realizing the hawk is behind him]
  • Rango: When you see me comin’, stand aside. I take large steps and I don’t want none of you hayseeds gettin’ your bodily fluids on my boots!
  • [he turns around and sees the giant hawk for the first time]
  • Rango: Of course, there is no need for violence. Long as we stick together, work as a team.
  • [he slowly walks away from the hawk]
  • Rango: So I want you all to come on outside, now. Line up single file while I take a recreation!
  • [he suddenly runs into the outhouse as fast as he can]
  • [watching Rango as he runs away from the hawk and into the outhouse]
  • Priscilla: What’s he doin’ now?
  • Waffles: I…I think it’s a number two!
  • [after the hawk has been killed, the town’s people come out of hiding]
  • Spoons: Did you see that?
  • Buford: He killed that thing! What do you…what do you think, Doc?
  • Doc: This hawk, is dead!
  • [everyone gasps]
  • Priscilla: Shoot! I say we cut that right off.
  • [pointing to the hawk’s foot]
  • Spoons: He get it with one bullet.
  • Jedidiah: Just like he said.
  • Waffles: It’s about time we had a hero around here.
  • Elgin: One who ain’t in a pine box.
  • Buford: I think it’s time he met the Mayor.
  • Spoons: You hear that, Rango? You’re gonna meet the Mayor.
  • Town rodent: Let’s hear it for Rango!
  • [everyone cheers]
  • [the four music playing owls appear as the town’s people are cheering Rango’s victory over killing the hawk]
  • Senor Flan: And so the stranger basks in the adulation of his new friends. Sinking deeper into the guacamole of his own deception.
  • Lupe: When is he going to die?
  • Senor Flan: Soon, compadre. Soon.
  • [as Rango enters his the Mayor’s office]
  • Mayor: Water, Mr. Rango. Water. Without it, there’s nothing but dust and decay. But with water, there’s life.
  • [he drops a droplet of water into his aquarium and suddenly the insects surround the droplet]
  • Mayor: Look at them. So desperate to live, that they’ll follow it anywhere. That’s the immutable law in the desert. You control the water and you control everything.
  • [he unlocks a drawer from his desk]
  • Mayor: This is from my private stock.
  • [he brings out a bottle and starts pouring it into a glass]
  • Mayor: Vintage rain water, from the great deluge. Oh, not Noah’s deluge. Goodness, I’m not that old!
  • [Rango does a loud fake laugh]
  • Rango: I guess power has its privileges.
  • Mayor: You make a good point, son. So, with privilege comes responsibility.
  • [Mayor wheels away from his desk and as he does so Rango points to his empty glass]
  • Mayor: Hell, I was mayor here before there was a dirt. And I maybe just a sentimental old turtle, but I think there’s a future for this town. And I hope you’ll be part of it.
  • [as the Mayor is talking with his back to Rango, Rango tries to lift the bottle of water from the desk but drops and breaks it, just then the Mayor turns to face Rango]
  • Mayor: To dirt!
  • [he raises his glass of water]
  • Rango: To dirt!
  • [Rango raises his empty glass]
  • [watching the people of the town from his balcony]
  • Mayor: You see them, Mr. Rango? All my friends and neighbors. It’s a hard life here. Very hard. Do you know how they make it through each and every day? They believe. They believe it’s going to be better. The believe that the water will come. They believe against all odds and evidence that tomorrow will be better than today.
  • [he opens a wooden box which contains Sheriff badges]
  • Mayor: People have to believe in something. Right now, they believe in you.
  • [he pushes a Sheriff badge towards Rango]
  • Mayor: Pick it up, Mr. Rango. You’re destiny awaits.
  • [Rango picks up the badge and looks at]
  • Mayor: People have to believe in something.
  • Rodent Kid: Excuse me, Mr. Rango?
  • [Rango suddenly turns and draws his gun into the face of the kid]
  • Rango: I will blow that ugly right off your face!
  • Rodent Kid: Uh…I was just thinkin’ that uh…
  • [he indicates the notebook he’s holding for an autograph]
  • Rango: Oh! You want the old John Hancock, do you?
  • Beans: Sheriff Rango?
  • Rango: Well, here hold this.
  • [he gives his gun to the rodent kid]
  • Beans: This isn’t a social call!
  • [the kid takes the gun turns it towards his face and looks right down the shooting barrel]
  • Rodent Kid: There’s a bullet in there!
  • Rango: You know Beans, I bet you clean up real nice if you put a little effort into it.
  • Beans: What?
  • [to the rodent kid as he’s finished signing his autograph]
  • Rango: Now, remember son. Stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare.
  • Beans: sheriff? sheriff?
  • Rodent Kid: Who…who’s Shakespeare?
  • Beans: [shouting] sheriff Rango? If that is your real name! I am tryin’ to save my daddy’s ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown while you’re playin’ patty cake with each…
  • [Beans suddenly freezes]
  • [referring to Beans freezing in the middle of her talking]
  • Rango: Why does she do that?
  • Furgus: It’s a survival reflex.
  • Doc: Her switch is just broken.
  • Rango: Well, that’s an inconvenience.
  • [Beans suddenly unfreezes]
  • Beans: [shouting] …it is not a rash! It is a birth mark!
  • [realizing that she’d just frozen]
  • Beans: I did again, didn’t I?
  • Rango: Did what?
  • Beans: Let me ask you somethin’. Did anybody here mention what happened to our last Sheriff?
  • [Rango hears the sound of nail hitting on wood looks round to see a coffin being made]
  • [Rango gets in line as the towns people have their Wednesday ceremony for water]
  • Rango: This is heck of a hoedown you got goin’. Still workin’ out those steps. So, is this considered normal civic behavior?
  • Priscilla: Mm-hmm. Every Wednesday. Just like clockwork.
  • Wounded Bird: You kill bird.
  • Rango: Yeah.
  • [laughs]
  • Rango: Matter of fact I did.
  • Wounded Bird: Bird dead. Snake come.
  • Rango: Is it snake?
  • Priscilla: He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango. He never comes to town cause he’s scared of that hawk, but might come now. May I have your boots when you’re dead?
  • Rango: No! I ain’t got no problem with this Rattlesnake Jake.
  • Priscilla: That’s just what Amos said.
  • Rango: Amos?
  • [camera pans to show a gravestone with the name ‘Sheriff Amos’ written on it]
  • Priscilla: You got any gold fillings?
  • [when the town folks find out there’s no water during their Wednesday water ceremony]
  • Mayor: My friends! My friends! Temper your frustrations. Times will be tough from now on. Sacrifices will have to be made. But if I can help in any way, please know that my door is always…
  • Beans: Hold it! hold it! Now this whole thing stinks three ways to Sunday! First the banks run dry, and now this here spigot!
  • Voice in crowd: Bank’s run dry?!
  • Jedidiah: What she talkin’ about?
  • Rodent woman in crowd: She said there’s no water in the bank!
  • [everyone gasps and Beans realizes what she’s just revealed]
  • [addressing the town folks after seeing the water left in the bank vault]
  • Rango: All right. Listen up! I’ve been thinkin’ and I believe I figured somethin’ out. You folks have a water problem!
  • [people in the crowd start talking]
  • Rango: Now, just pay attention everybody! I’m tryin’ to make a point here. Let’s say this fella here were to take a drink of water. Just one little drink. No harm, no foul. Right?
  • [he pours himself some water from the tank in the vault and drinks it]
  • Rango: And you!
  • [he points to the crowd]
  • Rango: Why you’re just as dried up and parched as a Jack rabbit in July!
  • [he pours himself more water from the tank and drinks it]
  • Rango: So you belly on up and take you a double shot!
  • [he pours himself more water from the tank and drinks it]
  • Rango: Stay with me!
  • [he keeps pouring and drinking the water]
  • Rango: What do you think happens then? Why we’d all be drinkin’!
  • [he pours himself more water from the tank]
  • Rango: And before you know it, there wouldn’t be any more water! And then where would we be?
  • [everyone in the crowd is silent]
  • Rango: We’d be thirsty!
  • [there’s a murmuring from the crowd]
  • Rango: Real thirsty! Why we’d turn on each other like a bunch of animals!
  • [continuing his speech to the towns people in front of the water tank in the bank vault]
  • Rango: Now look here! We have got six days of water.
  • [he leans against the water tank and the water starts decreasing]
  • Rango: Fi…fi…we have got…five days…what…
  • [there’s a murmuring in the crowd]
  • Rango: As long as we got water, we got ourselves a town.
  • Mayor: Sheriff Rango is right. As long as we have this water, we have some hope.
  • Rango: And you can all take it from me. My one hundred percent full time employment from this moment on, will be to protect our precious, natural, resource. Ain’t no one gonna tango with the Rango!
  • [as Rango is walking past the saloon Gordy gets thrown out]
  • Rango: Hold on there Gordy. Now you get on back in there and you assert yourself. And I think you’ll find the people in this here town to be surprising hospitable.
  • GordyPapa: [drunkenly] Thank you, Sheriff!
  • [he goes back in the saloon, as Rango keeps on walking GordyPapa gets thrown out of the saloon again]
  • Rango: I stand corrected!
  • [calling through the tunnel Ezekiel and Jedidiah have dug up coming into the town]
  • Balthazar: Ezekiel! Jedidiah! What the Sam hill’s goin’ on up there?
  • [his stick hits Jedidiah hard on head]
  • Balthazar: I’ve had colobs removed smarter than the two of you!
  • [he comes through the tunnel and takes a few sniffs]
  • Balthazar: Hells bar! This ain’t the bank!
  • Ezekiel: Balthazar, the Sheriff is standin’ right here! Helpin’ us out.
  • Jedidiah: Gonna give us a permit for prospecting.
  • Rango: That’s right, sir. Just doin’ my duty. The lonely constable on his rounds, keepin’ and eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance.
  • [Balthazar turns to Jedidiah; referring to Rango]
  • Balthazar: Does he look like he sounds?
  • Jedidiah: Uh-huh.
  • Balthazar: Well, Sheriff. If we as to hit the mother lode, being prospectors and such, where would we deposit said annuity?
  • Rango: Well, here in the town of Dirt we happen to have the finest financial institution this side of Missouri.
  • [points out the location of bank to them]
  • Rango: Protected mornin’, noon and night by yours truly.
  • [Rango gives Balthazar a prospecting permit]
  • Balthazar: Much obliged.
  • [after the towns folk have found out the bank has been robbed]
  • Rango: All right, folks! Stand back. Clear the area. This is a crime scene now. Secure the perimeter, dust for prints, check for fibers, scan for DNA! I want a urine sample from everyone and get me a latte. Don’t mix up the two.
  • Bank Clerk: What’s this?
  • [he picks up and reads a piece of paper from the floor of the bank vault]
  • Bank Clerk: ‘Prospecting Permit.’
  • Rango: I’ll take that! Material evidence.
  • [trying to calm the panicking towns people when they see the banks been robbed]
  • Mayor: My friends! We all know what we have to do now.
  • Rango: That’s right! We all know what we have to do now!
  • [whispering under his breath to the Mayor]
  • Rango: And that would be?
  • [the Mayor whispers back]
  • Mayor: Form a posse.
  • [Rango repeats what he thinks he hears to the crowd]
  • Rango: Form a possum!
  • [crowd looks at Rango in silence, the Mayor repeats his words again but louder this time]
  • Mayor: A posse!
  • [after Rango has formed a posse and they are riding hard out into the desert]
  • Spoons: Where are we goin’?
  • Rango: What?
  • Spoons: Where are we going?
  • [Rango doesn’t answer as he realizes he has no idea where they are riding out to]
  • [as he puts a deputy Sheriff’s badge onto Wounded Bird’s cloak]
  • Rango: Now, as my deputy you’ll be in charge of all trackin’ and findin’ of villains. utilizin’ your well-developed ingenuity. No offense taken.
  • [referring to the bank robbers]
  • Rango: So which way do you think they went? You wanna sniff the air, or commune with a buffalo or somethin’?
  • [Wounded Bird points to the ground behind him]
  • Rango: Ooh! You’re good!
  • [as the posse queue up to go underground into the tunnel after the robbers]
  • Rango: Now, I’m dependin’ on you Spoons.
  • [as he hands him a lighted firewood]
  • Rango: Oh, you gotta a little tobacco in your beard there.
  • [Spoons jumps into the underground tunnel and Rango hands a lighted firewood to Doc]
  • Rango: Always good to have a medical man along, Doc.
  • [Doc jumps into the tunnel and Rango gives a lighted firewood to Buford]
  • Rango: Reptiles! Gotta stick together! Right, my brother?
  • Buford: I’m amphibian.
  • Rango: Ain’t no shame in that.
  • [Buford jumps into the tunnel]
  • [Rango goes to give a lighted firewood to the next in line in the posse when he notices it’s a chicken with an arrow shot through his eye]
  • Rango: Woh! Are you sure you’re fit for duty there, soldier?
  • Sergeant Turley: What?
  • [referring to the arrow in his eye]
  • Rango: Well, you got a little somethin’ in your eye there.
  • Sergeant Turley: Oh, that!
  • [pointing to his good eye]
  • Sergeant Turley: That there is conjunctivitis, sir. It’s hereditary.
  • Rango: Oh! Well…I’m glad to hear it’s not contagious.
  • [Rango sees Beans next in line in posse]
  • Rango: Now, just wait a cotton pickin’ minute! A posse ain’t no place for a…
  • [Beans grabs the lighted firewood from Rango’s hand and jumps into the tunnel]
  • Rango: Never mind.
  • [next in line he sees Priscilla]
  • Rango: Woh! Woh! Hold on there, little sister. Someone’s gonna have to look after the town while I’m gone.
  • [Priscilla opens the suitcase she’s holding to reveal two guns which she suddenly point at Rango]
  • Priscilla: Can I get to shoot someone?
  • Rango: Uh…let’s put a pin in that.
  • Priscilla: Sheriff, you’re gonna bring that water back, aren’t you?
  • Rango: Count on it, little sister.
  • [when they discover the water pipe in the tunnel]
  • Buford: Would you look at that!
  • Spoons: Like seein’ the face of God!
  • Elgin: Amen, brother.
  • Furgus: I remember when it used to flow every Wednesday.
  • Ambrose: Those were the halcyon days.
  • Elgin: Must be a reason she quit on us.
  • Beans: Whatever the reason, somethin’ is controlin’ this here water.
  • Waffles: What do you say, Sheriff?
  • Rango: Uuuhh…clearly the robbers came from this direction. I say we track this pipe back to its hydraulic origin and apprehend the culprits behind this aquatic conundrum.
  • [Rango walks forward leading the way]
  • Buford: What did he say?
  • Sergeant Turley: I think he said, follow the pipe.
  • Waffles: He said, follow the pipe.
  • Elgin: He said, follow the pipe.
  • [after they’ve reached the end of the line in the tunnel]
  • Buford: Someone, or something is messin’ with our hydration, and that pipe’s got somethin’ to do with it!
  • Elgin: Now, I thought we was followin’ bank robbers!
  • Sergeant Turley: We’re experiencing a paradigm shift!
  • Elgin: I’m gonna shift the features on your face if you don’t shut up!

Sergeant Turley: Well, you go ahead and try!

  • [they start fighting with each other]
  • Rango: Quite you savages! Stop your battlin’. You’re effectin’ my cogitation.
  • [when they find the body of Merrimack in the desert above the tunnel]
  • Beans: It’s Mr. Merrimack from the bank!
  • Ambrose: What’s he doing here?
  • Rango: Everybody stand back.
  • Doc: All right. Let me see.
  • Spoons: Look like them vermins shot him in the back.
  • Doc: No. This man wasn’t shot. He was drowned!
  • Buford: Drowned!
  • Waffles: In the middle of the desert!
  • Furgus: Oh! What a way to go!
  • Elgin: Well, now. Who’s boot prints are those?
  • [Rango touches the ground where the boot prints are]
  • Rango: That’s interesting. The ground’s still wet.
  • Beans: I suppose we should bury him.
  • Elgin: I don’t know. Birds gotta eat too.
  • Waffles: Circle of life!
  • Rango: I see you’re consulting with the spirits.
  • Wounded Bird: No. I’m molting. Means I’m ready to mate.
  • Rango: Oh! I’ll keep that in mind.
  • Wounded Bird: Cactus fruit.
  • Rango: Ah, yes. The ancient cactus fruit. I believe your people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes.
  • [Rango puts the cactus fruit in his mouth and starts chewing it]
  • Wounded Bird: Also natural laxative.
  • [Rango suddenly chokes]
  • Wounded Bird: Pick up trail. Three men, headed west. One blind. One with…
  • [he takes a couple of sniffs]
  • Wounded Bird: …a large prostate, riding side saddle.
  • Waffles: What…What’d he say?
  • Furgus: They’re ridin’ side saddle!
  • Buford: What?
  • Beans: Sshh! We’re whisperin’.
  • Spoons: What’d he say?
  • Sergeant Turley: Someone’s got a bad south.
  • Doc: All right. Which one of you fellas need a checkup?
  • [puts on his latex surgical glove and holds his index finger up]
  • Wounded Bird: Awkward!
  • [heating a marshmallow on their camp fire]
  • Waffles: Marshmallows remind me of goin’ campin’ with my daddy. I could eat ’em all night long.
  • [his marshmallow sets on fire]
  • Waffles: Of course, he did make me cough ’em back up again for breakfast.
  • Buford: This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
  • Elgin: That ain’t nothin’. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies. They started lookin’ at me weird.
  • Furgus: I remember them. They was quit friendly.
  • Spoons: I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once.
  • [there’s an awkward silence around the camp fire]
  • Sergeant Turley: You might wanna get that looked at.
  • Spoons: Mr. Rango, can you tell us about the Spirit of the West.
  • Doc: Oh, yeah! Tell us about that.
  • [everyone around the camp murmurs in agreement]
  • Waffles: Is it true what they say?
  • Rango: Uuuh, yes! The…Spirit of the West. The eternally unobtainable eye view. They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him. But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest…and have made it to the other side.
  • Sergeant Turley: Uh…the other side of what?
  • Rango: It’s a metaphor.
  • [as he leans on his stick it suddenly flips from underneath him]
  • Waffles: Ow! My eye!
  • Rango: Uh…that’s gonna heal right up.
  • Ambrose: Sheriff, what are you going to do about…Rattlesnake Jake?
  • [Rango suddenly hears a rattling noise and panics]
  • Rango: Hahh! What? Where?
  • [he looks round and sees the noise is coming from Spoons rattling his spoons together]
  • Spoons: Sorry about that. Word is, you come against him once or twice.
  • Rango: Ooh! Yeah! Jake! You mean, my brother.
  • Sergeant Turley: Your brother?
  • Rango: That’s what I said!
  • Buford: But he’s a snake and you’re a lizard.
  • Rango: Well, momma had an active uh…social life.
  • [there’s a murmur of surprise]
  • Furgus: Did he ever bite you?
  • Rango: Sure enough did. Look at that baby!
  • [he lifts up his shirt to show his belly button]
  • Rango: Go ahead, you can touch it.
  • Doc: Oh, that’s interesting. That there is a belly button.
  • Rango: Luckily, I’m immune to his venom. Put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
  • Spoons: Friends, before we bunk down, I’d like us all to join hands for a moments. Say a few words to the Spirit of the West
  • [everyone around the camp get up and joins hands and closes their eyes for prayer]
  • Spoons: Ain’t always spoken rightly to you, Spirit of the West, but tonight I wanna thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives. It’s a hard life we got. Sometimes I don’t know how we’re gonna make it, but somehow Sheriff Rango makes me think we will. We needed a brave man and you sent us one. Nice to have someone to believe in again. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.
  • [pointing to the cactus tree behind him]
  • Rango: You ever feel like those things are lookin’ at you?
  • Beans: That’s a Spanish Dagger. But around here we just call ’em the Walkin’ Cactus.
  • Rango: Walkin’?
  • Beans: There’s an old legend they actually walk across the desert to find water. When I was a little girl I’d stay up late watchin’ them to see if they move. I thought if I could follow them, they’d lead me to some place wonderful. Some place with enough water for everyone. Night after night I watched ’em. I never saw ’em move.
  • Rango: But you’re still watching.
  • Beans: Who didn’t wanna find some place wonderful?
  • Rango: We’ll find the water, Beans. I promise you.
  • [they hear a wolf howling in the middle of the night]
  • Beans: That’s such a lonely sound. You ever get lonely?
  • Rango: Sometimes.
  • Beans: I can’t imagine it. You’re such a charmer and everyone likes you so much. I never made friends easily like that.
  • Rango: No?
  • Beans: No. We’re pretty isolated out there on the ranch. Sorta of like being sealed up in a little box. Don’t really see uh…a lot of folks.
  • [Rango does a small false laugh]
  • Rango: I wouldn’t know what that’s like.
  • Beans: Is there someone special in your life, Rango?
  • Rango: Oh! Well, there used to be. But she couldn’t keep her head. Besides, my life’s too dangerous for that kind of thing. You know, it’s an awful solitary existence out there on the prairie. Ridin’ the ranges and the such like.
  • [suddenly Beans appears as though she’s frozen]
  • Rango: Beans? Beans?
  • [he makes sure she’s frozen then gives her a kiss on the cheek, as he walks away Beans smiles]
  • [Rango’s dressed up as a woman and the others in the posse are all dancing and playing music]
  • Rango: Gracious! Good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present my Madame Repones steps accordion troops of traveling thespians!
  • Balthazar: Wha…what is that?
  • Ezekiel: I think they’s thespians!
  • Balthazar: Thespians! That’s illegal in seven states.
  • Rango: The stage is set, the princess prepares to take her own life.
  • [he reveals the stage to show Beans playing the part of the princess]
  • Beans: I yearn for love.
  • Rango: Meanwhile, the lone centurion stands watch at the castle gate.
  • [Elgin plays the part of the centurion]
  • Elgin: Hark! Who goes there?
  • [as he’s hearing the play]
  • Balthazar: This plots highly predictable!
  • Ezekiel: Quite! This is my favorite part!
  • [Rango continues narrating the play]
  • Rango: Arriving to great fan fair was her aged father…
  • [suddenly Sergeant Turley appears]
  • Rango: …strucketh by cupid.
  • Sergeant Turley: Uh…pray thee unhand my fair daughter and reach for the…uh…the
  • [to Rango]
  • Sergeant Turley: Line?
  • [Ezekiel shouts the line to him]
  • Ezekiel: Reach for the sky!
  • [after Balthazar reveals his entire family to Rango and his posse]
  • Balthazar: Looks like we’re gonna have ourselves a good old fashioned standoff.
  • Rango: I’ll have you know, you’re not lookin’ at our entire contingent.
  • [suddenly we hear Spoons making strange noises from top of the mountain]
  • Waffles: What…what’s that? What’s that supposed to be?
  • Elgin: That’s the signal.
  • Waffles: If that’s the signal, somethin’ must have gone wrong!
  • [we see Spoons using flags to give warning signals and then running to the fire to fan smoke signals]
  • Balthazar: So…uh…somethin’s supposed to happen?
  • Rango: I…am open to suggestions.
  • [as they are being frantically chased by Balthazar’s posse]
  • Waffles: I am sensing hostility!
  • [whilst trying to frantically get away from Balthazar’s posse]
  • Ambrose: I suggest we take evasive action!
  • Beans: I suggest you shut up and shoot!
  • [she hears something whilst driving the wagon hard to get away from Balthazar’s posse]
  • Beans: What was that?
  • [to Waffles]
  • Beans: Go check it out!
  • [Waffles climbs to top of the wagon]
  • Beans: What is it? Is there a problem?
  • [Waffles sees one of Balthazar’s men drawing two deadly looking knives]
  • Waffles: Uh…you could call it that!
  • [after they water tank from the wagon has fallen and they discover it’s empty]
  • Balthazar: There’s no water! Then what the hell have we been fightin’ for?
  • Rango: Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
  • Jedidiah: Hey, I think that there in the lady’s dress is the Sheriff.
  • Balthazar: Same fella what give us the prospectin’ permit?
  • Beans: A what?
  • Rango: Irrelevant! Confiscation. You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery and the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack the third, a.k.a. fluffy Joe.
  • Ezekiel: Sheriff, we didn’t kill nobody! We gone dug into that that vault, but there weren’t nothin’ in it!
  • Jedidiah: Somebody gone robbed that bank before we robbed it.
  • Beans: Then where did you get this here jug?
  • Ezekiel: That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell you pappy. I found it in the desert.
  • Balthazar: Then why in tarnation did you bring it here!
  • [he starts hitting Ezekiel]
  • Furgus: What’s goin’ on, Sheriff?
  • Rango: I don’t know. But I’m gonna strip away this mystery and expose it’s private parts!
  • [to Balthazar]
  • Rango: You and your kind are comin’ with me.
  • [whilst playing golf in the desert]
  • Bad Bill: But why would anyone dump water in the bloomin’ desert?
  • Mayor: It does seem a bit naive taking the word of committed bank robbers. Besides, once they hang, you’re job is done.
  • [Bad Bill’s men start clapping]
  • Rango: But what if somebody did rob the bank before they got there?
  • Mayor: And who would do that, Mr. Rango?
  • Rango: I was hopin’ you could tell me.
  • Mayor: That sounds marginally near to an accusation.
  • Rango: Take it any way you like. Somethin’ you said keeps rattlin’ around in my frontal lobe.
  • Mayor: What’s that?
  • Rango: Control the water and you control everything.
  • Mayor: Come now, Mr. Rango! You attribute divine power to me. How on earth could I possibly control the water?
  • Rango: What are you building out here?
  • Mayor: The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon all this is going to fade in to myth. The frontier town, the law men, the gunslinger. There’s just no place for them anymore. We’re civilized now.
  • Bad Bill: That’s right. Civilized.
  • [Bad Bill’s men laugh]
  • Mayor: That’s what the future holds. You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
  • Rango: Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
  • Mayor: Be careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget your just one little lizard.
  • Rango: You seem to forget, I’m the law around these parts.
  • [Rango walks away]
  • Mayor: Our new Sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he’s actually starting to believe it. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
  • Bad Bill: Uh…Jake’s the Grim Reaper. He never leaves without takin’ a blimin’ soul.
  • Mayor: Do it!
  • Wounded Bird: The Mayor has bought up all the land in the valley, accept for your ranch, Miss Beans.
  • Beans: That just don’t make no sense. Without water that land is useless.
  • Rango: Unless he controls the water. Like a monkey’s bladder! Then he could bring it back once he bought up all the land.
  • Beans: But how does he control the water?
  • [just then Priscilla walks in]
  • Priscilla: Sheriff, we got a problem!
  • [as the towns people crowd outside the Sheriff’s building]
  • Spoons: We got nothin’ left to believe in.
  • Rango: You see that sign up there?
  • [pointing to the Sheriff sign]
  • Rango: As long as that sign says Sheriff, you can believe that there is law and order in this town. But without law and order, ruminate on that. Oh, yeah! Starts out slow like a fungus. Somebody says a cross word, accusations start flyin’, neighbor turns on neighbor. Pretty soon we’re eatin’ our children and then dogs and cats are gettin’ together to create all sorts of mutant aberrations!
  • [turns to Spoons]
  • Rango: So you want somethin’ to believe in, Spoons? Believe in me! Believe in that there sign. For as long as it hangs there, we got hope.
  • [suddenly the Sheriff sign gets shot to pieces]
  • [slithering towards Rango]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Hello, brother. Thirsty?
  • [he fills a glass with his snake venom and throws it on the ground]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Long time, brother. How you been keepin’?
  • Rango: Oh, well…you know.
  • Rattlesnake Jake: I here you been tellin’ about how you killed all them Jenkins brothers. With one bullet wasn’t it? Ain’t that right? All these good folks here believe your little stories, don’t they? Why, they believe you’re just a stone killer, don’t they? Seems these folks trust you. They think you’re gonna save their little town. They think you’re gonna save their little souls!
  • [he suddenly turns to face Beans and then turns to look at Rango]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: But we know better, don’t we? So why don’t you show your friends here what you’re made of? Show ’em who you really are?
  • [pulling out a gun]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Why don’t you just pull your gun and shoot me?
  • [empties out the bullets]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: But of course you won’t need all of these. Just one, right?
  • [puts the gun in Rango’s hand and points the gun to his face]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Go ahead, hero. Pull the trigger.
  • [Rango pulls the trigger back]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: You got killer in your eyes, son. I don’t see it.
  • [Rango’s arm holding the gun goes down]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: You didn’t do any of them things you said, did you? You didn’t kill them Jenkins brothers. You ain’t even from the West! Are you?
  • [Rango doesn’t say anything]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Say it!
  • Rango: [whispers] No.
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Oh, speak up! I don’t think your friends here heard you.
  • Rango: No.
  • Rattlesnake Jake: All you’ve done is lie to these good people. You ain’t nothin’ but a fake and a coward. Ain’t that right?
  • Rango: [whispers] Yes.
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Louder!
  • Rango: Yes.
  • [slithering around Rango]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Listen close you pathetic fraud. This is my town now. If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down to hell!
  • [he squeezes Rango and then lets him go. Rango starts to walk away in shame]
  • Beans: Who are you?
  • [Rango doesn’t reply and walks off]
  • [all alone, thinking to himself after he’s left Desert town]
  • Rango: [voice over] Who am I? I’m nobody.
  • [after seeing the Spirit of the West; who looks human]
  • Rango: Um…excuse me? Mr. Spirit? Sir?
  • [the Spirit picks up something form the ground]
  • Spirit of the West: Ah, there’s a beaut. Sometimes you gotta dig deep to find what you’re lookin’ for. So you made it?
  • Rango: Is this heaven?
  • Spirit of the West: No. If it were, we’d be eatin’ pop tarts with Kim Novak.
  • Rango: Yeah! No kiddin’. What are you doin’ out here?
  • Spirit of the West: Searchin’. Same as you.
  • Rango: I don’t even know what I’m lookin’ for anymore. I don’t even know who I am. They used to call you the man with no name.

Spirit of the West: These days they got a name for just about everything. Doesn’t matter what they call you. It’s the deeds makes the man.

  • Rango: Yeah, but my deeds just made things worse. I’m a fraud! I’m a phony! My friends believed in me, but they need some kind of hero.

Spirit of the West: Then be a hero.

  • Rango: Oh, no! No! No! You don’t understand. I’m not even supposed to be here.

Spirit of the West: That’s right. You came a long way to find somethin’ that isn’t out here. Don’t you see? It’s not about you. It’s about them.

  • Rango: But I can’t go back!
  • Spirit of the West: Don’t know that you got a choice, son.
  • [he draws a square on a piece of glass]
  • Spirit of the West: No man can walk out on his own story.
  • [he looks through the glass at Rango then drives away on his golf cart]
  • [after the Spirit has left]
  • Roadkill: So, you made it.
  • [Rango looks around and sees Roadkill]
  • Roadkill: That’s right, amigo. The other side of the road
  • Rango: Did you just…see that?
  • Roadkill: We each see what we need to see. Beautiful, isn’t it?
  • [Rango turns and looks at the desert]
  • Rango: Yeah. It is.
  • Roadkill: Many years ago, this entire valley was covered in aqua. Now, only one question remains.
  • Rango: Where did it go?
  • [after discovering that the Mayor is using the emergency shut off valve to control the water]
  • Roadkill: What now, amigo?
  • Rango: No man can walk out on his own story. I’m goin’ back.
  • Roadkill: But why?
  • Rango: Because that’s who I am.
  • [the Mayor pours water into a glass]
  • Mayor: I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans. But you’re making a practical decision.
  • [Rattlesnake Jake slithers behind Beans]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Decisions! Decisions!
  • Mayor: There’s no need for anymore suffering.
  • [he drinks his glass of water whilst Beans takes hold of her glass of water]
  • Mayor: Your family’s ranch is nothing but a waste land now. Sign the deed and relieve yourself of your fathers burden.
  • Beans: My daddy was not a burden!
  • [she throws the water in her glass onto the Mayors face]
  • Beans: Take your blood money and I’ll take my land!
  • [slithers himself around Beans squeezing her body tight]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: You do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit I’ll squeeze them pretty brown eyes out of your skull! Sign the damn paper, woman!
  • Beans: Go to hell!
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die.
  • [squeezes her tight making her pass out]
  • [referring to Rattlesnake Jake holding Beans]
  • Rango: Put her down.
  • Rattlesnake Jake: Or what, little man? You gonna kill me?
  • Rango: That’s just about the size of it.
  • [after all the water pipes under the town have been burst]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: I’m gonna blow so many holes in you, your chest will be leakin’ lead!
  • Rango: Well, then it’s a good thing I brought some back up. It only takes one bullet.
  • Rattlesnake Jake: You ain’t got the nerve.
  • Rango: Try me.
  • [after they’ve been locked up in the bank vault]
  • Rango: Beans! Hold on! Don’t worry, I got a plan!
  • [he turns around knocks on the glass wall of the vault and start shouting]
  • Rango: Help! Open the door!
  • [Beans rolls her eyes up in despair; as his plan has failed Rango turns to face Beans]
  • Rango: Okay! Plan B! Where I come from, we call this improvisation.
  • [he puts a bullet in his mouth as he unties Beans]
  • Beans: You came back!
  • [Beans kisses Rango, as they’re kissing she swallows the bullet that Rango had in his mouth]
  • Beans: What was that?!
  • Rango: No need to panic. But I think you just swallowed Plan B.
  • Beans: What?
  • [Beans suddenly freezes and starts sinking into the rising water in the vault]
  • Rango: Okay. Panic time!
  • [after Rango’s one bullet has freed them from the bank vault]
  • Mayor: Now, Sheriff, I’m sure if we work together, we can reach a mutually beneficial solution to our current situation.
  • Rango: You better take it up with him.
  • [Rango turns the Mayor round on his shell to face Rattlesnake Jake]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: One bullet.
  • [to Rango]
  • Rattlesnake Jake: I tip my hat to you. One legend to another.
  • Priscilla: Sheriff Rango!
  • [she runs to Rango and hugs him]
  • Priscilla: You brought the water back. Like you promised. You really are a hero.
  • Rango: Oh! Now, thing about heroes is whenever you…
  • [Priscilla holds her hand up to shut him up]
  • Priscilla: Don’t spoil it.
  • Rango: Right.
  • [last lines; the four owls appear and play their music whilst Senor Flan narrates]
  • Senor Flan: And so the lizard completes his journey. From humble beginnings to the legend we sing of today. And although he is certain to die, perhaps from uh…a household accident, which accounts for sixty five percent of all unnatural deaths. The people of the village will always remember, the name of the one who saved them.
  • [the other owls suddenly turn and speak in unison]
  • The three owls in unison: Rango!