This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Pizza Delivery" from season 1, which aired on August 14, 1998.
Squidward: Hurry up with those chairs, SpongeBob, it's after closing and I'd like to go home.
SpongeBob: I got it, I got it, coming. (leaps for the phone but Squidward answers it first)
Squidward: Hello? Sorry, sir, we're close... (Mr. Krabs snatches phone)
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, there, Krusty Krab. How could I help you? (customer explains order over phone) Pizza? (eyes turn into dollar signs) Of course we have pizza.
Squidward: Uhh, Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: Our delivery Squid will bring it right over. (hangs up)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, we don't serve pizza. (Mr. Krabs gets a plate of Krabby patties and turns it into pizza. Then he puts it in a box) We don't deliver.
Mr. Krabs: We don't deliver, but you do.
Squidward: Can't you just get SpongeBob to do it?
Mr. Krabs: Great idea! Take him with you. (SpongeBob sneaks over smiling big)
Squidward: That's not what I had in mind!
SpongeBob: Front end...check. Antenna...(touches the boat antenna making it vibrate) check. Bumper...check. Bumper sticker... (bumper sticker says "I Brake For Sea Urchins") ...check. (un-caps the tire pressure and inhales a little) Tire pressure... (blows out the rest of the pressure in Squidward's face) ...check. Vehicle inspection complete! We're really making history here Squidward. That lucky customer is going to get the first Krabby Patty pizza ever.
Squidward: Good, then you drive.
SpongeBob: I can't. I'm still in Boating School.
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. It's just around the corner.
SpongeBob: Well, yeah, but...
Squidward: Just do what you do in school.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. Wait, don't tell me.
Squidward: Back it up.
Squidward: Back it up.
SpongeBob: All right, back it up. (tries to move the stick shift down)
Squidward: Back it up!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay.
Squidward: Shift into reverse, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Reverse? Oh, yeah, reverse. (the words "FORWARD" and "BACKWARD" turn into Korean characters)
Squidward: Back it up!
SpongeBob: (shifts gears) Back it up! (boat backs up really fast)
Squidward: (tries to get the wheel) Give me the wheels, SpongeBob! Give me the wheels!
SpongeBob: Backing up! Backing up! Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack-i-i-i-i-i-ng up! (they go over a bumpy area with rocks and then they spin around and around and around, screaming. The next morning, the boat goes over five hills) Backing up. Backing up. Backing up. Backing up. (boat stops with no fuel left)
Squidward: Well...You backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. And you know what else? We're in the middle of nowhere!
SpongeBob: And you know what else else? I think the pizza's getting cold.
Squidward: And the pizza's cold? Oh, the pizza's cold. Not the pizza! Oh, how could it get any worse? (kicks boat and the boat starts up again and goes forward fast back to the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Well, we can still deliver it on foot. (both walk on the sand)
Squidward: Ow, ow ow.
SpongeBob: (singing) The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza...
Squidward: ...And my feet are killing me. Whoa. (trips over SpongeBob) SpongeBob? What are you doing?
SpongeBob: (rubbing ground) It's an old pioneer trick. I saw it in a movie once.
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is no time for...
SpongeBob: Shh, shh, shh. It's working.
Squidward: What is it?
SpongeBob: (pointing to the road) Truck! Sixteen wheels. Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhiked. (starts dancing in the road) Whee... eee...
Truck Driver: Crashin' frashin' break dancer!
Squidward: He's stopping! He's stopping! (Squidward realizes he's not stopping and grabs SpongeBob out of the way where they are covered in sand thanks to the truck)
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza free delivery. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza very ta-asty. (SpongeBob gets carried around in the air by the huge winds)
Squidward: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?
SpongeBob: I can't, it's for the customer.
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
SpongeBob: (wind stops and SpongeBob gasps) Squidward! (starts flying again)
Squidward: Let go of that pizza!
SpongeBob: No! (runs over Squidward)
Squidward: (holding SpongeBob’s legs) SpongeBob, let go of that pizza!
SpongeBob: No, it's for the customer!
Squidward: SpongeBob! Let go of the pizza! (lifts up into the tornado) SpongeBob! (looks down) Hang onto the pizza! (tornado spits them both out. SpongeBob uses the pizza as a parachute but Squidward falls hard onto the ground) Hey! Hey! (crawls up to the screen) Where's the road? We're doomed! How are we gonna get home, which way do we go? (SpongeBob lands) What are we gonna do now! There's no road here!
SpongeBob: I think town's this way. (points)
Squidward: Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?
SpongeBob: That's right. Moss always points to civilization.
Squidward: That way? That way there? (SpongeBob nods) So, let me get this straight...you think that we should go that way?
Squidward: Well, then I'm going this way. (heads the other way)
SpongeBob: Huh? Squid, wait! I don't thinkpizza is ...
Squidward: Trust me, I know where I'm going. (shows a town in the other direction)
SpongeBob: (sings) The Krusty Krab pizza absolutivally. (later) pizza... (drum sounds) pizza... (later, SpongeBob is walking backwards. SpongeBob's pants almost split into two and move up and down silmutaneously while he continues to make drum sounds. Still later...) Krusty Kraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab pizza is the pizza, yeah, for you and, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (later) Krab Pizza... (mumbling. Later, they are both lying face down in the sand)
Squidward: Sponge, we gotta eat something.
SpongeBob: I heard in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral. (Squidward eats some coral) No, maybe it wasn't coral.(Squidward spits out the coral) Maybe it was sand, no, mud.
Squidward: Give me the pizza!
SpongeBob: Wait, I remember now. It was coral!
Squidward: Give it to me!
SpongeBob: No, we promised it was for the customer.
Squidward: You're right! It's for the customer.
Squidward: Maybe we better check on it, make sure it's okay.
Squidward: Just a peek. (opens box)
SpongeBob: Okay, it's fine.
Squidward: No, I think I saw something. (opens box) Oh, no I was wrong. It looks okay. Sure is a fine looking pizza.
Squidward: What's that? Is that the cheese?
Squidward: And the pepperoni?
Squidward: Oh, looks good, huh?
SpongeBob: Wait a second, I know what you're trying to do Squidward. I'm not letting you eat the pizza!
Squidward: Give me the pizza!
Squidward: Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Get away!
Squidward: Get back here, SpongeBob, give me the pizza!
SpongeBob: No! (runs into Squidward)
Squidward: I want that pizza and you're gonna hand it over: one way or another.
SpongeBob: Look, we're saved!
Squidward: Sure, we're saved, now give me some pizza!
SpongeBob: No, really Squid, we're saved! We're saved! We're saved!
Squidward: Will you cut that out?!
SpongeBob: (to a conga beat) Saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! (rips himself apart then the two parts go in circles and then they connect again. SpongeBob starts doing a conga dance) Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, we are saved!
Squidward: Will you cut that out?! That's just a stupid boulder!
SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder! (sniff) It's a rock! (cries) A rock! A rock! It's a big beautiful, old rock. (climbs up it and rubs it) Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.
Squidward: SpongeBob, will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral and took directions from algae! And now, you're telling me they thought they could drive... (SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the boulder) ...rocks? Hold on there, Jethro.
SpongeBob: I can't wait to see the look on our customer's face! (rings doorbell)
SpongeBob: Congratulations, sir. Your Krabby Patty pizza is here!
Tom: Wow, thanks, I've been dying for one of these. Where's my drink?
SpongeBob: What drink?
Tom: My drink! My diet Dr. Kelp. Don't tell me you forgot my drink!
SpongeBob: (checks through the order) But, you didn't order any...
Tom: How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my drink?
SpongeBob: But...but... (Tears start rolling down his face)
Tom: Didn't you ever once think of the customer? (gives the pizza back) You call yourself a delivery boy? Well, I ain't buying! (closes door. SpongeBob goes over to Squidward, smiling and trying not to cry.)
Squidward: Sponge? Sponge? It's okay. Sponge? (SpongeBob drops the pizza, falls over, starts crying and absorbs his tears) Sponge? (Squidward gets angry and takes a try at the customer)
Tom: Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!
Squidward: Well, this one's on the house! (throws pizza in face of Tom)
SpongeBob: (still crying) Did he change his mind?
Squidward: He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.
SpongeBob: (stops crying) No drink?
Squidward: Nah. Now take me home. (jumps up on the rock)
SpongeBob: Are you kidding? We have just enough time to make it back to work. (backs up the rock where they are instantly at the Krusty Krab)
Squidward: Work? (screen cuts to black) Oh, my aching tentacles!
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