Narrator: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life.
Cue Private's egg revealed under the snow, which rolls over the snow.
Narrator: And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...
As the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they move out of the way.
Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?
Penguin #1: Who cares?
Penguin #2: I question nothing.
Penguin #3: Me, too.
Penguin #4: Me, too.
Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.
They flap their wings but cannot fly.
Kowalski: Skipper, we appear to be flightless.
Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well, what's the point of these?
Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five.
Skipper: Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?
Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!
Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!
They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they just saved
Skipper: Oops. My bad.
The penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch.
Skipper: Look, it’s... it's the miracle of birth.
Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.
Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, splashing the three penguins in goop, much to their disgust.
Skipper: Daaagh!! That is disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!
Much to the surprise of the three penguins, the newly hatched Private gets up, but look at him lovingly.
Private: Hello. Are you my family?
The three penguins turn, knowing they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private.
Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.
Skipper elbows Kowalski.
Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.
Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die! [to Private] Y'know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.
He salutes Private, who salutes back.
Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.
He turns away from Private, looking at the sun.
Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?
Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.
Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?
Kowalski: Adventuring and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
Skipper: I'll take that action.
Private: Where are going?
Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.
[The Glorious Future] Marty: [singing] Da, da, da, la, circus! Da, da, da, la, Afro-Circus!
Skipper: Ah, this song! I swear it's gonna make me lose my salmon!
Kowalski: Singing getting louder, Skipper!
Skipper: Well, think faster! Can someone get that wig off of Private?
[Private was dancing to "Afro-Circus" with rainbow afro wig and Rico removes the wig of Private's head]
Skipper: Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be?
Private: Well, gee, Skipper. I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team.
Skipper: Ah, well, we got you something else.
Camera zooms in to a vending machine in the break room. Kowalski and Rico both carry Private in front of Skipper.
Private: A vending machine?
Skipper: Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in America's nanny states for those succulent and chemically-hazerdous bits of puffed heaven called...
Private: [gasps] Cheesy Dibbles!
Skipper: [gives Private a coin] Happy ding-dong birthday, ya little scamp!
Private: Thank you.
Private pecks Skipper on the cheek, followed by Kowalski, finally giving one to Rico, only for the latter to hold Private for ten seconds before releasing him. Cue Skipper, Kowalski and Rico smiling at Private with satisfaction.
Skipper: You mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns, Private. Now hit that machine and get your present.
Private tosses the coin into the machine and tries to reach in the slot to get the bag
Skipper: We just broke in the most secure facility in North America. Do you know what that means?
Kowalski: We’re wanted criminals who will be on the lam for the rest of their lives, always feeling the hot breath of Johnny Law on our necks?
Skipper: No. It means, as elite units go, we're the elitist of the elite. Top shelf in the bureau. The penultimates. Plus one.
As Private struggles to get the bag out of the vending machine he ends up getting pulled into the machine.
Skipper: Where'd Private go?
They walk over closer to the vending machine.
Kowalski: Oh, there he is.
The penguins notice that Private is stuck up in the machine.
Skipper: Oh, Private. How much is he?
Kowalski: He's three dollars and fifty cents, sir.
Skipper: Well, that's outrageous. Even for Private.
Suddenly, an octopus tentacle comes out of the vending machine slot, grabs Rico and takes him into the machine.
Kowalski: Sir, the machine is alive!
The octopus tentacle comes out of vending machine again and takes Kowalski.
Skipper: [angrily] Well, I don't think I like your attitude, vending machine. Or your prices! [in battle stance] Release them!
The tentacle comes back out and grabs Skipper in.
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: All evidence indicates... [his stomach grumbles] Oooh, I ate too many Cheezy Dibbles.
Private coughs out an orange cloud of dust.
Skipper: We're behind enemy lines and incredibly thirsty. Rico, bust us out of these delicious prison.
Rico sticks out his tongue holding a paper clip and uses it to unlock the door.
Skipper: Nice work, Rico. You're a meaningful and valued member of this team.
As the penguins exit the cage, Private becomes upset. Then he looks at the paper clip Rico used, takes it and swallows it. He tries coughing it up, but no success.
Skipper: [o.s.] Private, quit lollygagging. And regular gagging.
Skipper: It's dark and ominous. Two of my least favorite traits in a room.
Private: Ooh, look, a button!
Skipper: Huh? Private, don't!
Private pushes the button and the platform underneath them descends and they drop down to another room.
Skipper: Now what have I told you about-
Private: [presses another button] Sorry, what?
A giant ray wheels to them and a laser pops out pointing at the penguins.
Kowalski: It looks like some sort of giant laser sent to kill us all, sir.
Skipper steps back from the laser's angle.
Private: Ooh, another one!
Skipper, Kowalski, Rico: NO!
They stop Private from pushing the button. Suddenly, drops of water comes down on the panel and on the flippers. The penguins look up.
Dr. Octavius Brine: Naughty, naughty. Pretty birds belong in their cages.
He is seen walking on the catwalk, but the camera shows that he is walking upside down. He drops down and his limbs are tangled up. The penguins groan in disgust. The scientist gets himself in that tangled position and screws his head right.
Dr. Octavius Brine: Now, that's just hurtful. [untangles himself] And I was so happy to see you again, Skipper, [Skipper gasps] Kowalski, Rico, and sweet little Private. [flicks Private's beak] Boop!
Skipper: Who are you?
Dr. Octavius Brine: The humans know me as Dr. Octavius Brine. Renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives. But you remember me by a different much older name. A name perhaps you hope you'd never hear again. A phantom! A shadow of a former life! I am
A purple octopus emerges from the costume of Dr. Brine.
The penguins gave long surprised looks at Dave with the Dr. Brine hairpiece on his head.
Kowalski: Sorry, sir. No clue.
Dave: [takes off the hairpiece] Dave!!!
Dave gives a confused look. A cricket chirp is heard. The penguins look to see a cricket doing the chirp, who then stops.
Cricket: Sorry. [leaves then stops and turns] Wait, wait. Uh, I live this way. [leaves]
Skipper: Go ahead, Dan, continue.
Dave: You seriously don't remember me?
Skipper: Dave! Dave! Right! Oh yeah, long time. Uh, how's the wife?
In response, Dave punches the wall above Skipper's head.
Dave: I've never been married! You may not remember me, but I could never forget you. [grabs a snow globe and shakes it] Let's shake up some old memories.
Classified: What you, of course, could not know is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called the "Medusa Serum."
Skipper: Ah, but what you don't know is that Dirk...
Skipper: Dave won't be using his Bazooka Serum...
Kowalski: Medusa Serum.
Skipper: Medusa Serum on anybody.
Kowalski: That part is accurate.
Skipper: Show him, Rico.
Rico spits out the vial containing the Medusa Serum.
Classified: You... you stole the Medusa Serum.
Skipper: Well, stole the serum, saved the day, did your job for you. Call it what you will.
Suddenly, the screen goes on, revealing Dave.
Corporal: He hacked into our system.
There's no sound on-screen as Dave speaks.
Eva: Where's the sound?
Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.
Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.
Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.
[the screen goes off]
Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.
Short Fuse: So annoying!
Kowalski: But we cannot see you.
Short Fuse: Every time!
Classified: It's like talking to my parents.
Dave: How about now? [comes back on-screen]
Everyone cheers in agreement.
Classified: Yes! That's fantastic.
Dave: Now, where was I? [starts doing an evil laugh]
Short Fuse growls.
Dave: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo mates.
Skipper: We were never mates. There was no mating.
Classified: Turn in yourself, David. You're powerless now that I've stolen you precious Medusa Serum.
Skipper: What? You? You didn't steal that!
Classified: It's over.
Dave: It's over? Then why did I call you? Weird. Oh, maybe it was to show you this!
As soon as Dave turns the camera to show them a giant vial containing the Medusa Serum, everyone gasps in shock.
Kowalski: That is a lot of serum for four penguins.
Dave: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No. No, no, no, no. We're just getting started.
Dave takes a selfie with a camera.
Dave: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... for revenge!
Dave presses the button to turn off the screen but nothing happens. He presses it again but still nothing happens.
Dave: Wait. How do you...?
Dave turns to his octopus thugs for help.
Dave: What do I push? Is it the red? Or... I thought it was...it's not this...
Dave presses something and the screen goes blank. The picture of Dave in front of the serum comes out of the printer. Then an alarm starts blaring.
Skipper: Ugh, where the heck are we?
Kowalski: Oxygen content is low. I suggest we limit our breathing.
Then the sound of a fart broke the silence.
Skipper: Aw, Private!
The three Penguins rip holes on the box to breathe for air.
Private: Sorry. I get gassy when I fly.
Skipper: Toot sweet! He does!
Kowalski: We must be on a plane!
The Penguins move the box to be free. Skipper, Kowalski and Rico have darts on their necks and Private has a dart on his butt.
Kowalski: What did North Wind do to us?
Private: Oh! They gave us badges!
All but Private take off the darts.
Skipper: Not badges, tranquilizer darts! Classified! That low-down dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!
Kowalski: He thinks we can't save the penguins because we're just “penguins”.
Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! We're us! And if anyone's gonna save us, it's us.
Kowalski: But, Skipper, we've gotta be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.
Skipper: I make my own options.
Dave: Who’s ready to move on to live penguins testing?
Skipper: You point that death ray away from Private right now!
Private: It's not a death ray, Skipper! He's gonna turn us into monsters!
Dave: Yepper-doo! "And what comes next, Dave?" Invasion! Ahhh! Horrible mutant penguins released on the streets of New York City!
Kowalski: You're the monster!
Dave: Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me, every day of my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves you when you're the monster!
Skipper: You can't take away Private's cuteness!
Kowalski: He's the cute one!
Rico grunts in agreement.
Kowalski: That-That's his thing!
Skipper: IT'S ALL THE LITTLE GUY'S GOT!
Private sighs, as if to say "Seriously?".
Dave: Hmm, you are super cute. We'd better crank this up. Drew, Barry, more power!
Dave: I disintegrated him. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Kowalski: You maniac! You blew him up!
Dave: Oh well. This is why we test things, people. I'll have to lower the power for the others.
Private: Skipper! Skipper! Skipper! Rico! Kowalski! Up here!
Skipper: It's like I'm still hearing Private's little voice, calling to us.
Private: You have to get out of there! Move!
Skipper: “You have a great otter there. Moo.”
Kowalski: Why would he moo?
Skipper: What are you asking me for? I'm not Private's little ghost.
They turn around, only to notice the Medusa Ray in front of them, ready to fire.
One of Dave's henchmen fires the Medusa Ray at Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and all the penguins, as Private watches in horror.
Private: Come on, then. You wanna go? You want some argy-bargy?
He courageously charges at the octopi like a warrior, much to their surprise.
Kowalski: Sir, how long do we stand here like this?
Skipper: Until we reach maximum coolness.
The camera keeps circling until it's shot at Skipper, who smiles with confidence.
Skipper: There it is. Now all we need is a plan.
Private: I’ve got one.
Skipper: [confused] Eh? Uh, huh?
Kowalski: That’s brilliant! But... it’s impossible! In order to reverse the ray, we would need to replace the Medusa Serum with a power source of almost immeasurable cuteness!
Skipper: Immeasurable cuteness? Where the heck are we supposed to get that?!
Kowalski: The ray! It works! It WORKS!
Skipper: Private, are you okay?
Skipper, Rico and Kowalski gasp in surprise and notice that Private has sprouted a hand out of his buttocks.
Kowalski: Whoa! Butt-hand! There’s a hand attached to his butt. That was not... that was not there before.
Private becomes shocked once realizing he has sprouted a butt-hand, which detaches him, but immediately gets used to it.
Skipper: Get out of there. That’s an order!
Private: [salutes] Permission to defy order.
Skipper: Permission denied.
Private: Then I deny your denial.
Skipper: It’s too risky, Private. It already made you sprout a butt-hand!
Private: I know it has to be me this time. [places his butt-hand on the glass] And I think you know it too.
Concerned about Private’s sacrifice, Skipper places his flipper on the same place where Private placed his butt-hand. They exchange smiles before Private reattaches himself to the ray using his butt-hand.
Private: I'm the secret weapon!
Skipper: Dead batteries?!
Kowalski: [gasps] Game over, Skipper!
Private then notices a nearby grocery store.
Private: Rico, batteries! Skipper, Kowalski, hold off those octopi! We’re doing this NOW!
Skipper: Rico, dibble me!
Private: So, how do I look?
Kowalski: You’re hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.
Private: [concerned] Wh-Wha...?
Skipper elbows Kowalski.
Skipper: If there's anything we've learned on this delightful adventure, Kowalski, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do what counts. [emotionally] And look at what you did.
The penguins from all over the world look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins.
Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.
Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private.
Classified: [clear his throat] Right now, this is difficult for me to say, but...
Skipper: Is it ‘osteoporosis’? You just gotta lean into the vowels. Ahhh-stee-ohhhh-pahhh...
Classified: No, no, I want to say... You four are the bravest agents I’ve ever known. The point is, I was wrong about you. And I hope there's some way I can make it right.
Kowalski: [to Classified] Give us jetpacks.
Eva: [at the same time; to Kowalski] We should kiss.
Kowalski: [notices Eva] Whoa! Uh, [clears his throat] did... did you just say...
Eva dips Kowalski, kissing him, while using her other wing to block the camera, to the disgust of Kowalski's comrades. Skipper covers Private's eyes, while Rico almost throws up. As soon as Eva lowers her wing, Kowalski has lipstick marks all over his face.
Kowalski: Well, that feels right!