Mordecai: Dude. Quit messing around and give me a hand with these boxes.
Rigby: I'm busy!
(Rigby swipes at the moth but misses, hitting an old box covered with a tarp. Dust clouds fly into the air as Rigby coughs.)
Rigby: Huh? (The tarp falls off the box, uncovering a mini-fridge filled with soda. He gasps.)
Mordecai: What? What is it?
(Rigby stares open-mouthed at the contents of the box.)
Mordecai: (gasps) Radicola!
Rigby: Aw man, this stuff was the best!
Mordecai: Woah! This is from the 1984 Olympics! Dude, let's go take these out back and drink 'em all.
Skips: (from downstairs) Come on!
(Skips' voice is coming from an air vent, which Mordecai and Rigby approach)
Benson: Skips, we have a lot- we have a lot to do. I need to be around-
(Mordecai and Rigby watch Skips and Benson in the hallway through the air vent on the ceiling)
Skips: No, you should think it over, I'm telling you.
Benson: I don't know, Skips.
Skips: Seriously, Benson, you work too hard. You should take the night off.
Benson: Well... if you say so. But if anything happens-
Skips: Stop your worrying. Everything'll be fine.
Mordecai: Benson gone...
Rigby: ... plus soda...
Mordecai: ... equals...
Mordecai and Rigby: Party! Ohhhhh!
(We cut to the Computer Room. Mordecai is using the computer as Rigby watches. They are on a social networking site)
Rigby: Him, him, her, him—woah! Definitely invite her!
Muscle Man: Hey, jerkweeds! Get off the computer - I got sign-up time. You know how long my downloads take.
Rigby: We're busy inviting people to our party.
Muscle Man: What? Your parties suck! I was at the last one, and there weren't even any chicks.
Mordecai: Yeah, well, just you wait! This party's gonna be awesome.
Muscle Man: I highly doubt it. (High-fives Hi Five Ghost)
Mordecai and Rigby: Hmm, hmm! Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm!
(We cut to the Kitchen. Mordecai and Rigby are unpacking sacks of groceries)
Mordecai and Rigby: We gonna paaaaar-ty!
Mordecai: Got some chips, got some dips!
Rigby: (rapping) Some call me cheap, bit of a freeloader, but I bought cups for that old-school soda!
Mordecai: (rapping) I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini-toasts!
Mordecai and Rigby: (chanting) Hummus!
Benson: Why are you guys yelling hummus?
(Benson and Skips enter via the back door as Mordecai and Rigby try to hide their party supplies)
Mordecai: Uh, no reason.
Benson: Doesn't matter anyway, 'cause while I'm on my night off tonight, Skips is in charge. That's right: this guy is gonna be my eyes and ears.
(Skips nods approvingly as Benson strides and whistles his way to the back door and outside)
Skips: This better be some party.
(We cut to the living room. Skips is on the couch looking bored. Next to him is Pops, asleep)
Rigby: Man, this party is off the hook! 'Cause we got sod-aaaaa in the house!
(Skips snatches a can of soda from Rigby)
Skips: What? 1984 Olympics? Are you sure we can drink this?
Rigby: Sure you can! It's aged to perfection.
(Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost enter)
Muscle Man: Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! Told you this party was gonna blow!
(The doorbell rings and three human guests enter, two male, one female)
Guest 1: I think this is the place... Oh, sorry. We thought there was a party here. (The new guests turn and leave)
Muscle Man: Ohhhhh! I told you, I told you! Your party is lame! Ha ha ha ha ha!
(Mordecai and Rigby go into the kitchen)
Mordecai: Dude! This party is tanking fast! There's gotta be a way to step this up. (Mordecai hits the TV and it switches on. We hear a German voiceover artist speaking over a commercial showing four bored party guests sitting on a couch. It transpires that this is "Party Pete")
Party Pete: Ist your party tanking fast? Vell, I've got the answer!
(On screen, Party Pete slides into view, accompanied by two beautiful women. The four party guests on the couch stand up in shock and a fifth appears next to them)
Party Guests Party Pete! (The Party Pete logo slides onto the screen as a robot voice says Party Pete. The screen cuts to a rocking party, with dozens of guests dancing under the disco ball in the same apartment as the lame party)
Party Pete Guest Awesome party, bro!
Party Pete: Ist your party not hardy? Call me! (We see Party Pete reclining on a massive ice sculpture of himself outside) Act now and get ze free promotional ice sculpture! Vat ist you vaiting for? (The robot voice says Party Pete again as the message 'Party Pete, $50/hr, Call Now, 555-0177 flashes on screen)
Mordecai: (Back in the kitchen) Aw, man. We need that guy!
Rigby: What?! Why would you want to pay fifty dollars for some dude to come to our house? What's he even gonna do? He's just gonna come and eat all our food.
Mordecai: Do you have a better idea?
Rigby: Yes, I do.
(Back in the living room, Rigby puts a cassette in the tape deck and starts dancing)
Rigby: Yay-uh! Yay-uh! Yay-uh! Yeaaaaah!!! (Rigby dances and shouts along to the terrible, discordant music. Mordecai covers his ears) Woo! Come on, Skips! Dance!
Skips: (Slaps away Rigby's hand) Don't touch me!
Pops: Oh, it hurts to listen!
(The tape player begins to overheat, then spits out the cassette's tape and stops playing. Muscle Man whistles like a bomb dropping, then makes a fart sound)
Muscle Man: Hear that? That's the sound of your party failing! Dance to that, losers! Ha ha ha ha ha!
(Cuts to outside Benson's apartment. Benson is wearing a robe and leaning out of his bathroom window)
Benson: Just relax, Benson. Everything's gonna be fine, Benson. Skips has got this. Yeah.
(Inside, soothing music plays as Benson removes his robe and gets into a full bathtub surrounded by candles)
Benson: Ahhhhh. You deserve this, Benson. Yes. Yes, I do.
(Back at the park house, Muscle Man, Hi Five Ghost, Skips, and Pops are on the couch watching TV)
Man on TV: ... and slowly decapitates him. (The sound of a sword slashing is heard as a hand on screen points to a jar with a tiny fly in it) And that was the mating of the Toledo horsefly, narrated by me... (Mordecai watches in horror from the kitchen)
Mordecai: (To Rigby, in the kitchen) This party's hit rock bottom, dude. Muscle Man was right. (Mordecai walks to the phone and begins to dial)
Rigby: What are you doing?!
Mordecai: Calling Party Pete.
(Mordecai dials 555-0177 on the kitchen wall phone)
Party Pete: (clears throat) Mm, ja, ja, Party Pete.
Mordecai: Party Pete?
(Back in the living room)
Skips: Alright, let's get outta here.
(Skips, Pops, Muscle Man, and Hi Five Ghost make to leave. Mordecai and Rigby chase after them)
Mordecai: Woah! Woah! Where's everybody going?
Skips: We've had enough. We're gonna head out.
Muscle Man: Yeah, losers! Takes more than expired soda to have a party. It takes guests with breasts, and mine don't count.
Mordecai: Guys, people are coming. They're just fashionably late.
Skips: (checks watch) It's ten thirty. Nobody else is gonna come.
(The doorbell rings)
Mordecai: (nervously) I wonder who that could be, ha ha...
(Mordecai and Rigby walk to the front door)
Mordecai: Quick, how much money you got?
Rigby: Three dollars.
Mordecai: I've got five.
(Mordecai and Rigby open the door to find Party Pete hip-thrusting, with one the attractive women from the commercial on each arm. Bass-heavy dance music plays)
Party Pete: Ya have ze fifty dollars?
Mordecai: Huh! Great, you're here. How much partying will this buy?
Party Pete: Eight bucks?! About ten minutes.
Mordecai: That's perfect! That's all we need to get the party started again.
Party Pete: Okay, ve'll do it. Chrissy! Janet! Get zem ze eight dollar version of ze promotional ice sculpture.
(Chrissy and Janet, the hot women, walk off the porch and return with a life-sized ice sculpture of a urinal, which they take inside)
Mordecai and Rigby: Woah! Cool!
(Back inside, Party Pete emerges from the hallway into the living room in a party pose)
Party Pete: Hey, everybody! Ready to party?
(Party Pete removes Rigby's broken cassette from the player and replaces it with his own, hitting play. Electronic dance music plays as Party Pete dances. Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost are amazed by Party Pete's dancing skills. Janet and Chrissy dance and grind next to Pops and Skips, who couldn't be happier. Pops starts dancing as well, and we see a montage of increasingly crazy party photos, before the scene ends with Mordecai and Rigby taunting Muscle Man back in the living room)
Mordecai: (In something of an Australian accent) Aw, yeah! In yo' face, Muscle Man!
Rigby: (In the same accent) Yeah! In your face!
(Party Pete stops the cassette then points to his watch)
Party Pete: OK, ten minutes are up, ve're going to go.
Muscle Man: Aw yeah! This party's lame... again!
(Party Pete, Janet, and Chrissy begin to leave. Mordecai spots a crate of Radicola next to the couch)
Mordecai: Party Pete! Can't you stick around for one soda? (offers Party Pete a can of Radicola)
Party Pete: Woah, I remember zis stuff! I suppose one couldn't hurt. (Party Pete cracks the soda open and takes a sip) Mmm, yeah! You keep zese coming und I keep ze party going!
(Bass heavy music resumes as Party Pete downs the can and crushes it with a manic look in his eye)
Skips: No good can come of this.
(Outside we see around 20 guests approaching the house. Guest 1 from earlier is the first to enter the house and living room.)
Guest 1: I knew we'd find the party!
(Party Pete is now guzzling another can of soda as everyone cheers)
Party Pete: Party Pete in de hooooouuse!
(Dozens of guests have assembled in the house and are dancing wildly)
Mordecai and Rigby: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
(Party Pete runs from female guest to female guest, kissing one of them on the cheek)
Rigby: Dude! This party is insane!
Mordecai: I know! The centaurs even showed up!
(One of the centaurs backs into the frozen urinal)
Centaur 1: Huh? What the? Suck on this, promotional ice sculpture!
(Centaur 1 pours a soda into the urinal, crushes a can in it, then throws it out the window)
Mordecai: Ha, ha! We did it, dude! Woah. Check that out.
(Muscle Man is dancing with a beautiful, tall, dark-haired woman. He sees Mordecai and Rigby watching him have a good time and pauses, crossing his arms)
Mordecai: Having a good time, Muscle Man?
(A male guest, whose jacket is on fire, approaches Mordecai and Rigby)
Guest on fire: Hey, wassup, Mordy and Rigbird? You remember how your toilet like used to flush, an' also like how it used to not be on fire? Anyway, phone call for ya! Some angry dude named Benson. Later!
Mordecai: (nervously) Heh... hello?
Benson: (In a robe in his apartment, talking into the phone and standing by the window) Is that a party I hear?
Mordecai: Uh, no, that's the TV.
Benson: Oh, yeah? (angrily) I can hear music coming from the house! (He looks at the house, glowing from the party, from his window) I think I'm gonna come down for a little visit. See ya soon!
Mordecai: (Hears the phone hang up and the dial tone, then speaks to Rigby) Uhh... dude, Benson is coming. We gotta find Party Pete, fast.
(A huge yellow glow is seen in front of a huge group of revelers. Mordecai and Rigby try to fight their way through)
Mordecai and Rigby: Party Pete! Party Pete!
(They make it through to the front and see Party Pete glowing and dancing wildly, with several empty soda cans all over the floor. Mordecai picks one up)
Mordecai: Ugh, Party Pete! How many of these have you had?!
Rigby: Seriously, man! You gotta stop!
(Rigby tries to grab Party Pete's arm but the glow shocks him backwards as he yelps in pain. Party Pete stops dancing and turns to face them, his eyes nothing but white fire)
Party Pete: Stop? I do not vant to.
(Party Pete levitates into the air and emits a flash of green light that illuminates the sky outside through the window. He expands into a sphere and becomes a human disco ball, spinning and glowing)
Mordecai: Dude, he's unstoppable!
Skips: (Enters with Pops, and carries a crate of soda) Not for long. If we give him more soda, he'll grow brighter and brighter until he exhausts all his energy. Then he'll burn out like a star!
(The four grab soda cans)
Mordecai: Come on. Let's do this.
(The four throw their soda cans at Party Pete, who stretches out his arms and stops them in mid-air. They open by themselves and the contents fly into his mouth. His face expands to hideous proportions)
Mordecai: It's working! Quick, we need more soda!
Skips: We're all out.
Mordecai: Wait. I know where there's more soda.
(The four rush outside and back in, carrying the frozen urinal, which has some soda in it)
Mordecai: Alright everybody, on three. One, two, three!
(They throw the urinal at Party Pete. It melts, and the ice water and soda fly into his mouth. The music hits a high tempo as Party Pete looks ready to explode)
Random Guest: Dude! Party Pete's gonna blow!
Mordecai: Hit the deck!
(Skips grabs Pops and jumps behind an upturned table, Mordecai and Rigby leap behind the couch, and the guests all scatter out of the house as Party Pete screams and finally explodes in a flash of white light. When Mordecai and Rigby emerge from behind the couch, the lighting is back to normal but the living room is completely wrecked, and the upstairs toilet has fallen through the ceiling)
Mordecai: We're dead. This place is completely trashed. We'll never get this place cleaned up before Benson comes back!
Rigby: It could be worse.
(The toilet spontaneously catches fire)
Rigby: That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
(The centaurs walk up to Mordecai and Rigby)
Centaur Leader: Yo, that party was awesome! We'll totally help you clean up.
(Pops, Skips, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost also appear)
Pops: And we're here to help, too!
(A montage follows of everyone cleaning the entire house in record time. Janet and Chrissy get into the Party Pete van and drive off just as Benson's car comes over the hill. Benson is driving and looks furious. Rigby spots him from the window)
Rigby: Oh man! Benson's coming!
Mordecai: Everybody out through the kitchen!
(The centaurs and park workers, except for Mordecai and Rigby, all run through the living room)
Unidentified Centaur: Wicked party, duders!
Pops: Capital soiree!
Muscle Man: (Carrying an armful of trash) I guess I was wrong. That party was kinda awesome. I'm gonna go collapse in my bathtub now.
(Benson's car comes to a halt just outside. Without even shutting off the engine, he sprints up the front steps and into the house, running into the living room, where he sees Mordecai and Rigby playing video games in a spotless environment)
Benson: You guys are dead. I knew I couldn't trust you two... (Pans out to Mordecai and Rigby) What the...?
Rigby: Oh, hey Benson! What's up?
Benson: What are you guys doing?
Mordecai: We're just playing video games.
(Benson runs from room to room to inspect them for a hidden party or damage)
Benson: Woah-ho! You guys are clean! Sorry for doubting you guys.
(Mordecai and Rigby make 'aw shucks' noises)
Benson: I wanna do something nice for you two.
(Mordecai and Rigby make 'aw shucks' noises again)
Benson: Yep, you guys of all people would appreciate this. I've been saving some soda from the 1984 Olympics for a special occasion.
(Mordecai and Rigby groan)
Mordecai: Uh, wait what?
Benson: So let's crack open some cold ones! They're up in the attic, come on!
(Benson marches upstairs as Mordecai and Rigby stand up in the living room)
Mordecai: We're dead.
[End of Party Pete]