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  • [The episode begins on a beautiful day at Bikini Bottom.]
  • French Narrator: Submitted for your approval: Bikini Bottom, teeming with life and many strange tales. The story you're about to see happened [a realistic tidal wave blackens the screen] on one weird and unusual day, when the town crossed over into... [the words "The Tidal Zone" appears on screen] "The Tidal Zone."
  • [Eerie images of SpongeBob and Squidward are shown floating in "The Tidal Zone." An alarm clock and Patrick are shown to float in "The Tidal Zone." Patrick swallows the alarm clock whole and "The Tidal Zone" fades back to reality where Patrick is at the bus deport.]
  • Patrick: This, sir, is penosterous! I demand restitution! [pounds on the counter, puts on gloves and smacks the clerk with one glove]
  • Clerk: Sir, I've told you we don't sell balloons!
  • Patrick: I want to speak to the manager. I bet he knows where the balloons are.
  • [The clerk slams the window in Patrick's face. A bus pulls over and opens its door. Patrick pulls himself out with the window still stuck to his face.]
  • Patrick: Balloons? Aw, it's just a stupid old bus.
  • Clerk: Give me that! [pulls the window off of Patrick's face]
  • Tram's Travels Tour Guide: On behalf of Tram's Travels, I'd like to welcome you to Bikini Bottom. I'd also like to take a moment to familiarize you with the area. The restrooms are to the left. [the tourists run over to the restrooms, running over their tour guide in the process] Hey, I have to go too! [runs over to the restrooms]
  • Patrick: [walks over and sees the tour guide's hat on the ground] Hey, mister? You dropped your hat.
  • Tram's Travels Tour Guide: [wailing while waiting outside of the restrooms] Oh, come on!
  • Patrick: Okay, I'll...[puts on the tour guide's hat] keep it warm for you. [looks at his reflection in the window]
  • Patrick's Reflection: I could be a tour guide!
  • Patrick: Ooh, I could be a tour guide?
  • Patrick's Reflection: That's what I said!
  • [The door opens and an enthusiastic tourist walks out, taking pictures with his camera.]
  • Tourist: [chuckling] Wow! Everything is so amazing! Hello, are you the tour guide?
  • Patrick: [looks at the hat and gets an idea] Uh...uh! Yes, I am. [the tourist takes pictures while Patrick is talking] All right, everyone, settle down. My name is Patrick and I'll be your tour guide to the wonderful world of Bikini Bottom. Please take small children firmly by the hand. And we're walking, we're walking...
  • [Patrick begins his "tour" and begins walking as the tourist follows him. The real tour guide is seen knocking on the restroom door.]
  • Tram's Travels Tour Guide: I feel like I'm gonna burst! [puffs up like a balloon and explodes into pieces. The tourist takes a picture of the blown-up tour guide. The scene changes to Patrick showing the tourist a large stone.]
  • Patrick: Our first landmark is the kissing stone of the ancients. It is said to bring good luck to all who smooch it. [kisses the stone]
  • [The stone comes to life.]
  • Stone: [gasps angrily] Brash! [punches Patrick in the face and storms off as the tourist takes pictures]
  • Tourist: Amazing!
  • [The scene changes to Patrick showing the tourist a dug-up hole in the sand.]
  • Patrick: Another ancient and mysterious landmark is the hole that I dug yesterday.
  • [The tourist takes a picture as Patrick flips himself into the hole.]
  • Patrick: It fits my butt! [laughs as the tourist takes pictures; he pulls himself out of the hole] Now you try it.
  • Tourist: [flips himself into the hole] Whoa! [echoing] Golly. Mine too. [takes pictures of Patrick's butt]
  • [The scene changes to Patrick showing the tourist a kid eating an ice cream cone.]
  • Patrick: On your left is a kid who, legend has it, used to have an ice cream cone.
  • [The tourist takes pictures as Patrick's bellybutton eats the kid's ice cream cone.]
  • Ryan: Hey!
  • Tourist: Amazing!
  • [The kid punches Patrick in the stomach, which makes him cough up the ice cream cone and resumes eating it while the tourist continues to take pictures. The scene changes to Patrick showing a tourist an overweight man watching television with his kids.]
  • Patrick: This guy called me a bad word once.
  • Dad: Huh? You were trying to eat my mailbox!
  • Patrick: I thought it was meatloaf!
  • Dad: Kids, escort these "gentlemen" to the door.
  • Kids: With pleasure!
  • [The man cackles as his kids pick up Patrick and the tourist.]
  • Tourist: Amazing!
  • [The tourist takes pictures as the kids kick him and Patrick out of their house.]
  • Kids: [shouts victoriously] Boo-yah!
  • [Patrick and the tourist fly through the air.]
  • Patrick: Coming up ahead is the home of SpongeBob SquarePants, the fry cook.
  • Tourist: Oh, my gosh. That sounds excitin'! [takes pictures]
  • [Patrick and the tourist begin to descend downward.]
  • Patrick: We have begun our descent.
  • [Patrick and the tourist crash to the ground.]
  • Patrick: [dizzily] Everyone please gather all your belongings and follow me single file.
  • Tourist: [takes more pictures] Amazing!
  • [The scene changes to Patrick showing the tourist SpongeBob, who is sleeping in his bed.]
  • Patrick: This is my best friend SpongeBob. As you can see, he sucks his thumb when he sleeps. [sucks SpongeBob's thumb] Oh—wait, that's me. [sucks SpongeBob's thumb as the alarm clock in his stomach rings; he punches his stomach to stop the ringing]
  • SpongeBob: [sleepily] Yes, I like sweet potatoes, thank you.
  • Patrick: My internal alarm clock says it's time for morning lunch. Everyone, follow me. And we're tiptoeing... tiptoeing...
  • [Patrick heads out of SpongeBob's room as the tourist takes pictures.]
  • Tourist: Amazing.
  • [Patrick and the tourist eat food in SpongeBob's kitchen with Gary.]
  • Patrick: The tour will resume shortly, everyone. And also, uh, I think the mayo is spoiled.
  • [The tourist spits mayonnaise in Patrick's face. Patrick wipes some of the mayonnaise off his face with his sandwich and resumes eating. The scene changes to Squidward taking a shower in his bathroom. Just as Squidward begins to walk out, Patrick and the tourist stand in front of him.]
  • Patrick: This is Squidward the cashier.
  • [Squidward screams and falls over into his bathtub while the tourist takes pictures.]
  • Patrick: And yes, those moles are huge.
  • [Squidward gets up and becomes angry while his skin turns red. The tourist's camera lens shrink down as Squidward looks closer at them.]
  • Tourist: Amazing?
  • [Squidward kicks Patrick and the tourist out through the window.]
  • Squidward: And stay out! [shuts his windows, his front door, his house, and the flower cloud in the sky in complete anger]
  • SpongeBob: [shouts] Late for work, late for work. Late for work. [runs over two mountains that are shaped like Patrick and the tourist] Late for work, late for work!
  • [The alarm clock rings in Patrick's stomach again.]
  • Patrick: Ooh, time for second lunch! [hops on top of the tourist] Everyone, follow that Bob! [whacks the tourist in the buttocks] Yah! [gets carried by the tourist] And we're running. We're running...
  • [The scene changes to the Krusty Krab.]
  • Patrick: This is the world-famous Krusty Krab! [unhooks the ribbon to allow the tourist to enter the restaurant]
  • [Patrick hooks the ribbon back on and enters the restaurant. Two girls walk up to the doors and trip over the ribbon as the tourist takes pictures. Patrick catches Plankton who is attempting to steal a Krabby Patty again.]
  • Plankton: Hey!
  • Patrick: Now, this is Plankton, who's always trying to steal the Krabby Patty. So, we step on him! [he flicks Plankton off the patty and stomps on him.]
  • Plankton: [shrieking] Ouch!
  • Patrick: Try it, everyone. It's fun.
  • Tourist: Oh, my goodness. Can I?! [he steps on and smears Plankton left to right, and Plankton screams in pain.] That is fun!
  • Patrick: Next stop is the Krusty kitchen.
  • [Patrick walks to the kitchen while the tourist follows him and continues taking pictures of smashed Plankton. He steps on Plankton once more, and Plankton moans. An old woman walks by and squishes him again with her heels, a tough-looking fish crushes him with spiked boots (and he temporarily sticks), and an old fish in a wheel chair squashes him for a sixth time, smearing him even more with his chair. Plankton continues to shriek in agony. Then the scene cuts to SpongeBob preparing Krabby Patties in the kitchen.]
  • Patrick: If you look to your left, you'll see SpongeBob preparing his fresh and delicious ingredients to be cooked alive.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, just doing my thing. [giggles]
  • Tourist: That's amazing! [takes pictures]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, shucks, I'm just getting warmed up. [creates various things with the patties while the tourist takes pictures] Uh-huh! Yeah! Eh, eh? [forms a camera with the patties] Ooh! [takes a picture of the tourist]
  • [The scene changes to Patrick showing the tourist the toilets in the restroom.]
  • Patrick: And this magical place is where all the food ends up. [grabs some toilet paper as the tourist takes pictures] And if you do this... [stuffs toilet paper in the toilet, flushes it and the toilet start overflowing] This happens!
  • [The water spats out of the restaurant's chimney and Mr. Krabs kicks Patrick and the tourist out.]
  • Mr. Krabs: And stay away from me toilets!
  • Tourist: Gol, this is the best tour I've ever taken!
  • Patrick: And the best is yet to come!
  • Tourist: Oh!
  • Patrick: [hops on the tourist's back] If you look to your left...
  • Tourist: [carries Patrick] Hup, hup, hup, hup...
  • Patrick: You'll miss everything on your right.
  • [The scene changes to Sandy planting vegetables in her treedome.]
  • Sandy: [humming] Oops, almost forgot my plant food. [runs in her tree]
  • [Patrick and the tourist are seen on top of her treedome.]
  • Patrick: Under your belly is the outside of Sandy's treedome.
  • Tourist: It's so beautiful. I wish we could see the inside.
  • Patrick: [chuckles] Don't worry. I have a key. [takes out a key and creates a hole underneath them] Everyone, watch your step. [stomps on the glass and they fall inside the treedome] Sandy Cheeks and her tree both have roots in Texas. The dome overhead was designed to keep out the water. [he and the tourist walk as the tourist takes pictures] This makes the air too dry to survive in... [begins wheezing as he and the tourist start drying up] For water-breathers like us. Luckily, we all have on our water helmets, or else we'd be in big trouble right about now. [he and the tourist laugh as they're both completely dried up] Uh-oh! [they run up to the top of the treedome] And we're running, we're running! 'Cause we're expiring, expiring! [he stomps on the glass and they flip themselves back outside in the water, where they can breath again; the alarm clock in his stomach rings again]
  • Tourist: Ooh, it's time for third lunch.
  • Patrick: Everyone, follow my belly.
  • [Patrick and the tourist slide downward on the treedome. The glass begins to break open.]
  • Sandy: Aw, looks like you plant critters could use a little water. [water pours down from the hole above Sandy] Whoa! [swims up and sees Patrick and the tourist walks off; gargling] Patrick!
  • [The scene changes to Floater's Cemetery.]
  • Patrick: This will probably be the last stop on our tour. [the tourist takes pictures of the tombstones] Each one of these gravestones has an amazing secret underneath. [spookily] There's people living down there! [pushes a doorbell-like button on a tombstone that reads "R.I.P. Here lies Ol' Ribeye." A skeleton crawls out of the ground and roars.]
  • Ol' Ribeye: [pleasantly] Hello.
  • Patrick: This is my old pal Ribeye, everyone. Ribeye, this is everyone!
  • Tourist: Wow, you're a dead guy. I love it! [shakes Ol' Ribeye's skeleton arm]
  • Ol' Ribeye: Well, any friend of Patrick's is a friend of...[the tourist breaks off Ol' Ribeye's arm; Ol' Ribeye growls angrily]
  • Tourist: Oh, my goodness. [gulps] Let me try to... arm connected to the bone...[slurps on the skeleton arm and attempts to push it back on Ol' Ribeye; the skeleton arm breaks and Ol' Ribeye becomes angrier]
  • Patrick: The management strongly advises that you... run away!
  • [Patrick grabs the tourist, and Ol' Ribeye begins chasing them around the cemetery, waking up a nearby skeleton in the process.]
  • Skeleton Woman: [picks up the phone] Hello, police? There's a disturbance at the cemetery and some of us are trying to sleep!
  • Patrick: [runs out of the cemetery with the tourist] I'm sorry, Ribeye!
  • Tram's Travels Tour Guide: [on a real tour with the tourists in his bus] And on your left, the Bikini Bottom post office. On your right is a zombie chasing the guys who stole my hat!
  • [The tour guide activates the accelerator in his bus and chases after Ol' Ribeye, Patrick, and the tourist. Patrick and the tourist continue to run away from Ol' Ribeye and they climb up on top of Patrick's rock. Ol' Ribeye crashes into Patrick's rock, breaking into pieces.]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, you gotta hide! There's an angry mob... [sees an angry mob with police cars around Patrick's rock; deflatedly] Coming for you. They're here.
  • Sandy: They done busted my dome!
  • Ol' Ribeye: They ripped me up!
  • Squidward: They got pictures of me naked!
  • Mr. Krabs: No one wants to see your moles.
  • Crowd: Ew!
  • Mr. Krabs: Officer! [grabs Officer John and pushes him to the tourist] That guy's camera took pictures of me Krabby Patty ingredients. And I want that film, before Plankton gets it!
  • [Officer John pushes Mr. Krabs aside and grabs the tourist's camera. He opens it and sees Plankton already inside of it, but the camera itself appears to not have any film at all.]
  • Plankton: Way ahead of you, Krabs. But there's no film in this camera at all.
  • Everyone: Huh?
  • Officer John: That's strange.
  • [Everyone looks at the tourist in confusion.]
  • Tourist: Sorry for the misunderstandin', everybody, but I didn't take any pictures today. I don't even have a camera.
  • [The camera disappears, which surprises everyone.]
  • Everyone: Huh?!
  • Tourist: In fact... [waves his arms as his voice fades] I'm not even here.
  • [The tourist disappears completely and everyone gasps in a shocking surprise.]
  • Patrick: Um...uh... [waves his hands in the air; it turns out that the tourist Patrick was walking around with during his "tour" was nothing more than an illusion] And we're backing away, and backing away, and backing away!
  • [Everyone backs away in fear and runs off. The screen fades back into "The Tidal Zone."]
  • French Narrator: You see? I told you. Things always get weird in "The Tidal Zone." [cackling wickedly]
  • Tourist: [appears in "The Tidal Zone" and takes pictures] Amazing! [floats away as the episode comes to an end]