This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "New Digs" from season five, which aired on July 25, 2007.
SpongeBob: Got to hurry, Gary. The sooner I get to bed, the sooner I'll get to sleep, and the sooner I get to sleep, the sooner I'll wake up, and the sooner I wake up, woah-ho-ho! The sooner I get to go to work at the best job in the whole wide world: The Krusty Krab! Now, to just put on these sleepy time blinders, before I run excitedly to bed. Well, good night, Gare.
SpongeBob: I'm just going to turn out the lights. Clickety poo. And close my eyes and go to sleep. Just close my eyes and go to sleep. Just close my... (grunts trying to close his eyes but can't) Maybe if I run around it'll tire me out. Oh, I just got to get some sleep! There's only one thing for this. Ah, that's the stuff. A glass of warm snail milk. Ah, why isn't it working? (snoring) (crowing like a rooster) Whoa, Gary, what happened? (remembers what time it is and crashes through his front door with all his clothes on except for his left shoe, which is still in his home) Ah, I'm late for work! (checks his pocket watch) Oh, my gosh, only twenty seconds to go! What the...? (sees the bridge ahead is out) Bridge out? (jumps over the gap and continues to run then gasps again after he sees a hopscotch board on the ground where Nancy, Abigail and Shelly appear) Hopscotch! Almost there. (runs in the Krusty Krab and jumps at the time clock with his time slip in hand. The clock turns to 9:01) No!! I'm late. What's Mr. Krabs going to say? Tardy Pants! You, sir, are a tardy pants! Wait till Mr. Krabs finds out. You better think of something to save your job.
Squidward: One Krabby Patty and Krabby Fries for table number four. (subtitles version Man (on speaker): One Krabby Patty and Krabby Fries for table number 4.)
SpongeBob: Order up! (runs to the table) Here you go, sir. One Krabby Patty, Krabby Fries, and Krabby drink in three seconds flat.
Squidward: Spill at table...
SpongeBob: I'm on it. Nothing a dedicated, on-time employee can't handle. (mops the kids head) Kiddies get a free touch-up. Ha ha! All done.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: No! Please don't throw me out into the street. I am so sorry for what I did.
Mr. Krabs: What'd you do?
SpongeBob: I was a minute late for work.
Mr. Krabs: A minute late?
SpongeBob: A whole sixty seconds.
Mr. Krabs: Well, uh, don't do it again.
SpongeBob: No, no! You have to punish me.
Mr. Krabs: What? Okay, uh, then wipe down the salad bar.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Now, good night.
SpongeBob: I love it here, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sheesh.
Squidward: If you love it here so much, why don't you just live here? (chuckling. Cut to SpongeBob straining to get his feet through a cardboard box he's going to sleep in. He gets his feet through the box and uses napkins as a blanket) SpongeBob: Somethin's not right. What is it? Do I miss my own clock? (there is a shot of the digital wall clock which says 12:31) Maybe it's my own bed. (SpongeBob quickly wiggles his toes) Oh, that's it. (snaps fingers) I'll make the Krusty Krab just like home. What do you say Gary? (Gary is a toilet paper roll with cucumbers for eyes. Cut to next day where Mr Krabs enters the Krusty Krab and sees SpongeBob sleeping in his bed in the dining area)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? What in Neptune's Navy is going on here?
SpongeBob: SpongeBob reporting for duty, sir.
Mr. Krabs: How long you been here?
SpongeBob: All night, sir.
Mr. Krabs: All night?
SpongeBob: That's right, I'm going to live here from now on, so I'll never ever be tardy pants again.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on! This ain't no hotel, boy.
SpongeBob: (gets out a stack of cash from his pocket) Here's my first month's rent.
Mr. Krabs: Rent? Okay. Well, let's get ready for the customers. Start scrubbing the grill and...
SpongeBob: Already done, sir. (grill is spotless)
Mr. Krabs: Well, start cooking some...
SpongeBob: Done. (a bunch of krabby patties are in the kitchen ready for serving. SpongeBob punches his time card) All that, before we even open up our doors, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Okay. Then get cleaned up. You're a mess.
SpongeBob: Eww, guess I could use some freshening up. (ketchup and mustard stains are all over his clothes. Cut to Squidward putting a bucket of dishes on the conveyor belt but the dishwasher stops)
Squidward: Jammed again. (reaches inside to fix it but pokes SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob is wearing a shower cap and towel) Ooh. Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: SpongeBob? What are you doing here?
SpongeBob: Oh, I live here now.
Squidward: In the dishwasher?
SpongeBob: No, at the Krusty Krab. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Squidward: SpongeBob living at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, that means he won't be living next to me. Oh.
Mr. Krabs: Must be a full moon. (cut to closing time) Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Just saying goodnight to SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs. Sweet dreams, SpongeBob. You look much more comfier in here than in your own home!
SpongeBob: Won't you miss me living next door, Squidward?
Squidward: (laughing) No. Coming Eugene. (cheers as he walks out the Krusty Krab) Good night's sleep, here I come. (cut to next day where Squidward is talking to Frankie) And when I went home at night, guess what?
Frankie: He wasn't there?
Squidward: Right! And when I woke up in the morning...
Frankie: Can I just get my change?
Squidward: (laughing) He still wasn't there.
Frankie: Come on, man, my change.
Squidward: (grabs something out of the register) Here you go.
Frankie: Yeah, thanks... (gasps) Oh, real funny, buddy. Two socks and a pair of tighty whities.
Squidward: Socks and-- (gasps. socks and underwear are in the register instead of money) What the...? SpongeBob, why is your underwear in the cash register?
SpongeBob: Well, I had to put them somewhere and my underwear drawer is all filled up with krabby patties and the freezer is filled up with my snowflake collection. (blocks of snowfalkes are in the freezer) So I put the cash from the cash register in the pickle jar.
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Oh, lighten up, Squidward. 'Tis harmless tomfoolery.
SpongeBob: Do you want to know where the mustard is? (Gary is covered in mustard)
Squidward: Ah! Eww. (cut to later) Well, he may be twice as annoying at work, but it still beats having him as a neighbor.
SpongeBob: (sings) Laundry song, la-la-la! Sing about your laundry all day long. La-la-la-la laundry song.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you can't be hanging your delicates in me customer's faces. (Harod sees underwear and stops chewing)
SpongeBob: Well, they don't see to mind. (Harold takes down a pair of underwear and uses it as a napkin)
Mr. Krabs: Oh! I have a disgusting clientele. Who spend their money freely.
SpongeBob: (chuckles) Aye aye, captain.
Mr. Krabs: Because I'd hate for a certain living arrangement—meaning yours—to interfere with said money spending. (tries opening his office door but can't) What the barnacles? (opens the door slightly to see all of SpongeBob’s stuff in his office) SpongeBob! Why is your bed in me office?
SpongeBob: It was getting kind of crowded in the kitchen. (squeezes inside the office)So I moved in here.
Mr. Krabs: You can't stay in here. These are my private quarters, boy. The only play I can escape for solitude during the day.
SpongeBob: But I'll only be here at night. Please, Mr. Krabs, I won't get in your way. Please!
Mr. Krabs: Oh... Okay, but I'll have to raise your rent.
SpongeBob: Oh, thank you, Mr... (doorbell rings. SpongeBob gasps) My parents!
Mr. Krabs: Your parents?
SpongeBob: (opens up front doors) Mom! Dad! Come on in. (enters Mr. Krabs' office) And this is the guest room. Mom, Dad, Mr. Krabs.
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, hello. (Mr. Krabs' eye twitches. In the dining area, Harold and Frankie are slipping on snail trail that Gary is leaving on the floor)
SpongeBob: Well, I'll let you two get settled.
Jimmy: Is this your snail?
SpongeBob: (gasps) Gary! Bad boy! No!
Jimmy: Put that thing on a leash.
Mr. Krabs: (holding golden clam-shaped soap containers in his hand) Squidward, who put these fancy smelling soaps in the restroom?
Squidward: The same person who knitted these napkin holders and embroidered the menu. (shows both items)
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Argh. (walks to his office) That boy's taking the manliness out of me restaurant. Oh, he didn't. Floral print curtains in me office? That's it. That's the last straw! I'm not putting up with this any longer. (rips curtains down to reveal Mrs. SquarePants taking a shower)
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, oh, oh, I-I-I...I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't know that... (walks backwards into Mr. SquarePants)
Mr. SquarePants: What's going on in here?!
Mr. Krabs: No, I... (thrown out of his office. Hears buzzing in the kitchen) What the...?
Patrick: (walks out of the kitchen) Thanks, SpongeBob. (points to his lower back, background woman screaming plays) If I could reach it, I'd do it myself. (all the customers run out in disgust)
Mr. Krabs: Me customers! (cries) Gone! Gone!! All they wanted...was to give me...their money!!!!!!!!!!! (strained cries) SpongeBob! Pack your bags, boy. You're moving out. (SpongeBob is shaving in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Squidward is about to relax in his lawn chair when a moving truck drives up)
Squidward: What the...? SpongeBob, what are you doing here?
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs kicked me out, so now we're neighbors again. Hey, my drums! (plays the drums frantically)
Cut to next day where Mr. Krabs opens up the Krusty Krab but, this time, all of Squidward's stuff is inside)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward!!!!