TV Announcer: The Aquaphone! The Mermalair's telecommunication device connecting City Hall with the underwater crime-fighting hero, Mermaid Man!
[SpongeBob, who is wearing his Mermaid Man costume, answers the Aquaphone.]
TV Announcer: Never mind. It's just this idiot.
[SpongeBob comes out of his house and sees Patrick in his Barnacle Boy costume. SpongeBob and Patrick run up to each other.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: By the power of Neptune, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy unite!
[SpongeBob and Patrick unite their rings.]
SpongeBob: To the Invisible Boatmobile!
[SpongeBob and Patrick drag themselves across the ground as they pretend to drive the Invisible Boatmobile. They go around their houses until they stop in front of Squidward's house. They stand up and their butts are shown through their ripped pants.]
SpongeBob: This must be the secret lair of an evil villain!
Patrick: You're right!
[SpongeBob pulls out a grappling hook from Patrick's butt and throws it to the roof. SpongeBob climbs on the wall while Patrick holds on SpongeBob's pants. Squidward opens his window and starts trimming his toenails. Toenail clippings rain down on SpongeBob's face and SpongeBob spits some out. SpongeBob sees Squidward's foot sticking out of his window.]
SpongeBob: Looks like there's evil afoot!
TV Announcer: Pun!
SpongeBob:[whispers] And littering is a crime.
Squidward: What? I thought I had my house sponge and star proofed!
[A sign with star and sponge on a circle-backslash symbol is shown.]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Wanna play Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy with us?
Squidward: NO! Now please fall and get seriously hurt!
[Squidward cuts the rope with his toenail clippers, making SpongeBob and Patrick fall before closing his window. Patrick lands flat on his back and SpongeBob falls into Patrick's belly button. SpongeBob pulls his head out of Patrick's belly button.]
SpongeBob: I'm sure I've heard that "no" before.
Patrick: Only something, Mermaid Man! You can't mean...
SpongeBob: Yes, my young pink ward. It's none other than...
[SpongeBob pulls himself out of Patrick's belly button.]
SpongeBob: Doctor Negative!
Squidward:[offscreen] ♪I hate SpongeBob and I hate Patrick...♪
SpongeBob: It's that denying desperado's siren song!
SpongeBob: He's obviously raising an army of mutant vegetables. And that song he's singing will...
SpongeBob and Patrick: Bring them to life!
[Squidward goes to refill his watering can. SpongeBob and Patrick jump into Squidward's garden. SpongeBob kick one of the carrots out of the ground and beats it up. He then karate chops the carrot into pieces.]
TV Announcer: Carrot chop!
[SpongeBob and Patrick punch a potato into fries.]
TV Announcer: Potato pow!
[Patrick pulls out one of the lettuces and smashes it with his face.]
TV Announcer: Lettuce laceration!
[SpongeBob and Patrick make the vegetables into a salad and start eating it. Squidward returns with the filled up watering can and sees his garden destroyed. Patrick eats the rest of the salad.]
SpongeBob: Although our foes were evil, their nutrition did not go to waste, Doctor Negative.
[SpongeBob gives Squidward the empty salad bowl and walks away.]
Patrick: We're watching you!
[Patrick follows SpongeBob.]
Squidward: That's it! I'm gonna clobber you two!
[Squidward grabs his rake and runs over to SpongeBob and Patrick, who appears to have stripped off their costumes, in an attempt to attack them. However, before he could do that, the Krusty Krab horn goes off.]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, do you hear that? You'd better hurry up or you'll be late for work.
Patrick:[eating a carrot] Yeah. You'd better do something or whatever.
[SpongeBob and Patrick walk off. Squidward starts to freak out and breaks his rake in half. However, in doing so, he also breaks his three legs in half as well. He looks down and realizes what he had just done. Squidward loses his balance and falls over. The scene changes to Squidward arriving at the Krusty Krab and Patrick is sitting at a table.]
Patrick: ♪Mermaid Man, our hero! Barnacle Boy, you too!♪
SpongeBob:[flipping patties] ♪Mermaid Man, crime-fighter! Barnacle Boy, makes do!♪
Patrick: ♪Evil found its match today! Underwater justice and fair play!♪
[Squidward's eye twitches as he is about to lose his sanity.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Super plan! Garbage can! Mini van! Mermaid Man!♪
[Squidward screams in agony as SpongeBob and Patrick sing loudly in his ears.]
Squidward: Will you two shut up about that stupid show?!
[SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen with his Mermaid Man costume on.]
SpongeBob: Oh, did you say something negative, Doctor Negative?
Squidward: What the? How did...
[SpongeBob leaps over to Patrick, who is now in his Barnacle Boy costume.]
Patrick: I heard him say something negative!
[A customer comes out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to his foot.]
Patrick: Mermaid Man, that injured victim's bandages have come undone!
SpongeBob: That poor man needs aid!
[SpongeBob pulls out a first aid kit from Patrick's butt.]
SpongeBob: Of the first variety.
[Patrick opens the first aid kit and SpongeBob takes out the roll of bandages. SpongeBob and Patrick wrap the customer with the bandages and put him in a wheelchair. SpongeBob gives him a blood transfusion bag for the customer.]
SpongeBob: Oh! We've forgot the peroxide.
[Patrick pours the bottle of peroxide on the customer's head, making his eyes burn.]
SpongeBob: That should hold you until your surgeons can amputate our torso.
[The customer rolls away in disgust. SpongeBob and Patrick unite their rings.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Justice restored!
Squidward: Hey, Superdorks! Your turn to take out the garbage.
[Squidward holds out a bag of trash and drops it on the floor. Patrick picks it up.]
SpongeBob: Alright, Doctor Negative. We'll play along and take it out. Hiya!
[SpongeBob punches a hole on the trash bag and sludge flies out.]
TV Announcer: Junk jab!
[Gus gets covered in the sludge. Patrick punches the trash bag as well and sludge flies out.]
TV Announcer: Trash thwap!
[The sludge flies into Harold's mouth. SpongeBob and Patrick pull on the trash bag and rips it open, which sends sludge flying all over the restaurant.]
TV Announcer: Putrid pop!
[The customers gets splattered by the sludge and they leave the restaurant in anger and disgust. Mr. Krabs comes out of the office and sees the place completely trashed.]
Mr. Krabs:[gasps] Why are all my tables empty? Why am I not makin' money?
Squidward: Because these two costume creeps chased them out.
[SpongeBob and Patrick do their action poses.]
Mr. Krabs: Hello? [rubs his eyes] Mr. Squidward, step into me office.
[Mr. Krabs goes back into his office.]
SpongeBob: Uh-oh, Patrick. I think we got Squidward in trouble.
[Squidward enters Mr. Krabs' office.]
Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna share a secret with you that I never told anyone.
Squidward: Uh, that's okay. I don't need to hear. Uh...
[Mr. Krabs takes out a remote and pushes the button. The remote activates a hidden door on the wall and reveals a room filled with comic books.]
[Squidward and Mr. Krabs walk into the room and Squidward takes one of the comic books.]
Squidward:[laughs] You're a comic book geek!
[Mr. Krabs freaks out and takes the comic book away from Squidward. He puts the comic book in a plastic bag.]
Mr. Krabs: Don't touch those! They're mint condition! Worth a fortune!
Squidward: So you read comics. Don't worry. Lots of perfectly immature adults read comics.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's deeper than that.
[Mr. Krabs pulls a secret switch a reveals a super villain costume behind another hidden door.]
Mr. Krabs: I sold it meself. It's Captain Tightwad from Issue 53! They say he's a bad guy, but, you know, I think he's just misunderstood.
Squidward: Oh, look at that. I think I've left my oven on.
[Squidward attempts to leave, but Mr. Krabs pulls him back.]
Mr. Krabs: I have some fabric leftover. So, I made this.
[Mr. Krabs pulls out a shirt with a "no" sign on it.]
Squidward: Oh, don't tell me. Doctor Negative?
[SpongeBob and Patrick are outside the office door, trying to hear what's going on.]
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, you high-sea halfwits!
[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp and run away from the door. Mr. Krabs pops out in his Captain Tightwad costume.]
Mr. Krabs: Tremble before Captain Tightwad!
[Mr. Krabs doesn't see Squidward.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward!
[Squidward comes out in his Doctor Negative costume.]
Squidward:[sarcastically] And cower in fear of Doctor Negative.
SpongeBob: Holy Shrimp! This is the best day of my life!
[Patrick giggles. Mr. Krabs pulls out three coins attached by strings as though if they are villain weapons. He throws his weapons to SpongeBob and Patrick and they were able to dodge them. He looks at Squidward.]
Mr. Krabs: What are you waiting for?
[Mr. Krabs grabs Squidward and throws him to SpongeBob. Squidward gets his arms tangled in SpongeBob's body. Squidward pulls his arms out and sends him spinning around like a top. He hits the register boat, some tables and a pole like a pinball in a pinball machine.]
TV Announcer: Sad!
[Mr. Krabs and Patrick fight each other by flapping their hands in their faces.]
TV Announcer: Pathetic!
[Squidward bashes into Mr. Krabs and Patrick.]
TV Announcer: Mediocre!
[SpongeBob jumps down from the rail and splats himself on the floor.]
TV Announcer: Sub-par!
[SpongeBob pulls himself out of the floor.]
SpongeBob: Why are we fighting Captain Tightwad? He didn't even commit a crime.
Mr. Krabs: Wha... What do ya mean?
[SpongeBob takes out glasses and an old comic book.]
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs. It's right here in Mermaid Man Number 98. "No superhero shall fight a super villain until that super villain has committed a crime."
Mr. Krabs: Arr... Uh... Hey!
[Mr. Krabs runs to the register and puts money in his pants.]
Mr. Krabs: Ha! See? I just stole some money!
SpongeBob: Well, it's not really stealing if it's your own money.
[Mr. Krabs sulks and money falls out of his pants.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on! What do... What do I have to do here?
[The scene changes to SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs at the First Nautical Bank.]
Mr. Krabs: Are you sure about this? Isn't robbing a bank against the law?
SpongeBob: Well, yes Mr. Krabs. But you're not really robbing a bank, you're just pretending to.
Mr. Krabs: And then we can play?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, okay.
[Squidward and Mr. Krabs enter the bank.]
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy! Anyone home? It's Captain Tightwad and Doctor Negative! We're here to rob ya! Anyone here? No.
[Squidward and Mr. Krabs see the security guard sleeping on a chair.]
Security Guard: Eh, barnacle nickels! Uh, can I help you ladies?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah! Thanks old timer! Um, we're pretending to rob this bank. Where's the tellers? Where's the money?
Security Guard: There ain't no tellers. ATM's outside.
[Squidward and Mr. Krabs see a long line of customers at the ATM machine. SpongeBob and Patrick are seen in the line.]
Mr. Krabs: Ah, barnacles! I've forgot me debit card.
Security Guard: Wait a minute! I don't care if you are ladies! Nobody pretends to rob my bank!
[The security guard rips his shirt and bulks up. He beats up both Mr. Krabs and Squidward, leaving them injured. SpongeBob gives them a thumbs up. The scene changes to the gang walking to the evil store while Squidward and Mr. Krabs are in casts and crutches.]
SpongeBob: Whoa! You were so convincing! You had that guard totally fooled! I think we should skip to the end of the story. Let's just stop here and pick up some props for your evil lair. We'll just need a few dollars.
[Mr. Krabs takes out his wallet and SpongeBob grabs it.]
[SpongeBob goes into the store with Mr. Krabs' wallet.]
Mr. Krabs: I'm supposed to be the villain, but why do I feel like I'm being robbed?
TV Announcer: One hour later...
[The scene changes to the Krusty Krab now changed into the Krusty Lair. Everything inside the restaurant is filled with props that SpongeBob bought at the store. SpongeBob and Patrick are in a cage and they're both tied up.]
SpongeBob: Okay, Captain Tightwad! Doctor Negative, you can come out now!
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward pops out of the giant cash register. Mr. Krabs lands perfectly while Squidward falls flat on his face.]
SpongeBob: Okay, so here's the scene. You two have us here in this cage over a pool of boiling oil. Now that is a crime. Now, you can let us out so we can fight.
Squidward: Oh, I don't think we're going to do that.
[Squidward pulls the lever and activates the machine. The machine begins to lower the cage.]
SpongeBob: Hey, wha... what are you doing?
Squidward: Being evil. Isn't that what you wanted? Aren't you scared? Boo-hoo?
SpongeBob: Boo-hoo? Do you expect us to cry?
Squidward: No, Mr. Bob. I expect you to fry!
[Squidward laughs evilly and Mr. Krabs laughs as well. But as Mr. Krabs calms down, Squidward gives a malicious grin on his face.]
Mr. Krabs: Eh, okay, Squidward. Playtime's over. This is getting a little intense here.
Squidward: Too long have I suffered living between you two ninnies! But now, now as Doctor Negative, I shall finally exact my exquisite revenge! [laugh maniacally]
[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle.]
SpongeBob: See? I just knew we'd make a terrific bad guy. He is really committing.
Patrick: You did a great job with casting.
TV Announcer: Could this be the end of our doofus duo? Deep fried like two tenacious tater tots on tenterhooks?
SpongeBob: Swing, Boy Yonder! Swing the basket!
[SpongeBob and Patrick swing the basket back and forth until they knock the machine over, creating a crack on the floor. The sudden force makes Squidward and Mr. Krabs fall into the boiling oil and both of them are fried. The restaurant begins to crack all over and crumble down into pieces. SpongeBob pulls a frybasket out from Patrick's butt and takes Squidward and Mr. Krabs out of the oil. Patrick eats Squidward's hand. Mr. Krabs and Squidward shake the crusts off them and are now in their underwear.]
SpongeBob: Oh boy, Mr. Krabs! That was the best Mermaid Man playdate ever!
Patrick: Yeah. Not bad. But next time, we won't go so easy on ya!
Mr. Krabs:[groans as he takes out his comics] Maybe I'll just stick to reading comics from now on.
SpongeBob and Patrick: To the Mermalair!
[SpongeBob and Patrick leap into the street and drag themselves as if they are driving the Invisible Boatmobile.]
TV Announcer: And so ends another numb-skulled episode of the preposterous pair, Mermaid Pants and Barnacle Star! Tune in next time for more mind-running adventures! I've really gotta find another job! I wonder if it's too late to go back to college radio!