[The episode starts with an exterior shot of the Krusty Krab, but the two left maritime flags are messed up, suggesting something is wrong. In addition, the antenna on the roof is bent and the windows in front have huge holes broken in them, with glass shards scattered around the entrance. Then, several fish run out of the restaurant, screaming loudly. We cut to inside, where Mr. Krabs is sitting on the floor, cowering in fear as a sea bear swims up to him, growling and drooling into a puddle on the floor. The camera zooms out slightly, revealing a broken table, barrels scattered everywhere, and the edge of the Galley Grub menu, which has fallen onto the floor. Plankton, in a lion tamer's hat and holding a chair and whip, looks on from on top of the sea bear's back.]
Plankton: Why couldn't I see it before? [the sea bear roars very loudly, blowing Mr. Krabs' face back. Plankton chuckles] The way to get the Krabby Patty formula was so obvious! [he throws the chair and whip away offscreen, and hops down onto the sea bear's head] Spend an inordinate amount of time training several dozen sea bears to take over your restaurant and force you to give it up! [about eight more sea bears surround Mr. Krabs from all sides, all growling] Nothing can turn them from their central purpose!
SpongeBob:[offscreen] Yoo-hoo! [the sea bears all turn to look at SpongeBob] Who wants their tummies tickled? [he has a playful look on his face and is making a tickling motion with his fingers]
Plankton: No... [the sea bears all smile excitedly and dash away, leaving Plankton floating in mid-air] My weapons! [he succumbs to gravity, and falls to the ground so hard he bounces a little] Ouch!
SpongeBob:[standing on top of a green sea bear and tickling his tummy] Sea bears aren't weapons, Plankton. [the sea bear is laughing uncontrollably and waving his front fins around wildly] They're furry buckets of love. [the sea bear starts slapping his tail on the ground, making SpongeBob giggle] See? [jumps off the sea bear's stomach to the other side of the dining room, causing his work hat to fall off] And what do sea bears love more than tummy tickles? [pulls a jellyfish hive out from behind his back and holds it above his head] Jellyfish honey!
[Three sea bears, two green and one brown, see the hive and rush over to SpongeBob. The middle brown one already has on a pink bib with a jellyfish hive on it. SpongeBob pours the honey out of the hive onto his head and tosses the hive away; this makes the sea bears even more excited to the point of drooling. The middle one is rubbing his front fins together in anticipation, and the one on the right has hearts in his eyes and is flapping his fins up and down with his tongue out.]
SpongeBob:[sing-song] Come and get it! [runs out of the Krusty Krab, smothered in honey; all the sea bears swim out after him, breaking through the door, sending wood and glass flying, and knocking down the rest of the maritime flags]
Plankton:[running after his sea bears] No! Come back! [sees Mr. Krabs approaching]
Mr. Krabs:[angry, obviously] Why do you keep doing this, Plankton?
Plankton:[backing away] Heh-heh-heh... [falls down into a sitting position]
Mr. Krabs:[pointing a stern finger at Plankton] When you mess with me business, ya mess with me money! [clenches both claws furiously]
Plankton:[puts on a smile] Er, money's not everything, you know. [laughs nervously]
Mr. Krabs: 'Course it is! [seven dollar bills circle around his eyestalks] Money makes the world go round, and makes me heart go pound. [his heart becomes visible from his shirt, pounding in the shape of a dollar sign]
Plankton:[stands up, putting his hands on his hips] Well, if you love money so much, [mockingly] why don't you marry it?
[Mr. Krabs goes silent, then his mouth opens like a cash register, his lower jaw becoming a drawer divided into compartments, with silver and gold coins in the front one, and dollar bills in the back three; in the back of his throat a white tag with a red dollar sign on it pops up. He pushes his mouth closed.]
Mr. Krabs:[sadly] If I could, I would.
Plankton:[getting an idea] Would you now...? [laughs evilly while rubbing his hands together]
Mr. Krabs: You still here? [lifts Plankton by the antenna and pulls his left leg back]
Plankton:[startled] Yuhh! [Krabs kicks Plankton out of the Krusty Krab all the way across the street to the Chum Bucket] This gives me an idea. [pushes through the double doors of the Chum Bucket, and lands inside. There is a loud crash] Owww!
[Bubble wipe to that night. Mr. Krabs has repaired most of the damage done by the sea bears, except for a gaping hole in the roof, a bite taken out of the left wall, and the front windows, which are still broken. He pushes one of the double doors open, and sighs. He is carrying a garbage bag.]
Mr. Krabs: Ohh... another lonely evening... dumpin' trash... [He walks out of the Krusty Krab, over to two trash cans on the side of the road, one empty, and one overflowing with garbage bags. He lifts the lid of the empty one, drops his bag in, and closes it back.] ...alone. [he hears someone crying] Huh? [he looks around until he sees someone crying on a bench, illuminated by a street light; the "BUS" sign on the street light pole seems to give the implication that this a bus stop next to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs isn't sure what to do at first] Umm... [he decides to go over and see who it is] Hello? Miss?
[To his surprise, it is a stack of dollar bills wearing lipstick and a red bow with yellow polka dots. She stops crying and looks up at him. She's beautiful, and has green eyes with eyelashes, and sparkles a little. Mr. Krabs is instantly attracted to her; he sticks his tongue out and his eyes bloat up, and together they form the shape of a throbbing heart. He makes a weird noise.]
Mr. Krabs:[handing the stack of money a tissue] Ooh, careful now, careful. [smiles] Your ink will run.
[She giggles, and wipes her eyes with the tissue.]
Cashina: My, you're such a gentleman. [sniffles]
Mr. Krabs: Heh. [chuckling nervously while scratching the back of his head] Yeah, well... so, um... what's a nice denomination like youuu [points at her] doin'... on a bench like this?
Cashina: My date was supposed to bring me to the bank... [she starts to cry again] ...but he stood me up! [sobs]
Mr. Krabs:[outraged by this] What?? [pointing to himself] Hey, if I met the scallywag that stood you up, I'd knock him down. [he winds up and punches the street light next to him hard, then turns around and smiles proudly; the street light, subsequently, falls off the pole and comes crashing down onto his head] Dooh! [the light cover, which is shaped like a scallop, hinges open, revealing Mr. Krabs' face and making him look like he is wearing a knight's helmet]
Cashina:[as a fanfare plays] My knight in shining exoskeleton!
Mr. Krabs:[quickly sliding onto the bench next to the money, looking at his claw and imitating James Bond] The name's Krabs... Eugene Krabs. [looks at her] And yours?
Cashina:[her cheeks blush a bright pink] Cashina. You're very sweet. [her eyes get all shiny]
Mr. Krabs: You know somethin'? [jumps off the bench and points at Cashina] You look like a million bucks when you smile. [Cashina giggles again; Mr. Krabs gets down onto one knee] Cashina, would you make this old crab's day [looks up and away anxiously] and allow me to take you to a place where you can buy me dinner? [smiles again]
Cashina: I'd love to...
[Cashina's face becomes completely transparent as the rest of her darkens, revealing none other than Plankton inside, sitting on a chair and controlling Cashina by means of a lever, a control panel with buttons, a joystick, and a microphone on it, and a camera]
Plankton:[puts his hand over the microphone] ...scam you out of your secret formula, that is. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! [he laughs evilly as Cashina's face reappears; she covers her mouth as Plankton's laugh only comes out as a small giggle.]
[Bubble wipe to the next scene. A green fish wearing a purple shirt walks down the road past Fancy!, a restaurant that looks like a huge ship in a bottle. Inside, elegant music plays as a waiter walks past carrying a covered platter and a bottle of wine with two glasses, along with a napkin. We zoom past some tables with fish seated at them talking, over to where Mr. Krabs and Cashina are laughing and enjoying a plate of spaghetti and meatballs at a table with a checkered tabletop. Judging by all the noodles and meatballs piled inside Cashina, she has already "eaten" quite a lot. As Plankton struggles to pull another noodle in through Cashina's mouth hole, Krabs is slurping on the same noodle at the same time. The noodle gets tighter and tighter as he slurps more and more of it, to the point where Plankton can be seen almost falling out of Cashina's mouth for a second. He just manages to pull himself back in before Mr. Krabs sees him. The noodle bridging Cashina and Mr. Krabs' mouths gets so short, Mr. Krabs has to lean over the table and Cashina has to stand on top of the plate of spaghetti. Becoming desperate, Plankton pulls out a pair or scissors and cuts the noodle, sending both Cashina and Krabs flying in opposite directions.]
Mr. Krabs: Whoa! Oof! [He lands on his chair, breaking it, and crashes to the floor. Meanwhile, Cashina lands on her back on the edge of the table so hard she starts sparking. Her left side becomes transparent, showing Plankton inside, being electrocuted. Mr. Krabs stands up.] Allow me. [pushes Cashina's legs down until she is sitting upright]
Cashina: This food is so delicious. Oop! You don't suppose it has a secret formula. [she stands up and flicks Mr. Krabs' nose flirtingly] I don't suppose you know anything about secrets... or formulas.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh. I do have a very special recipe...
Mr. Krabs:[puts his arm around Cashina and slaps the plate off the table] ...for delicious kisses! [the plate can be heard shattering offscreen; inside Cashina, Plankton groans, then suddenly has to put his hand over his mouth to keep from throwing up. Mr. Krabs points to his lips] Cashina, would you mind if I kissed you?
Cashina:[smiles unsurely and turns around, one foot tiptoed] Oh, Eugene. This is all moving so fast...
Plankton:[covers up the microphone again so it won't pick up what he's saying] ...just as I planned. [chuckles]
Cashina: Be gentle! [they both lean in for the kiss; inside Cashina, Plankon presses a gray button on the control panel with a picture of pink lips on it]
Robotic voice: Purse lips.
[Cashina's lips and a rectangular area surrounding them slide upward into Cashina, revealing another pair of lips on a rod which extends outward until Krabs' and Cashina's lips touch. Instantly both of them jump into the air as they jolt all over. After they finish kissing, both of them are charred and smoking.]
Mr. Krabs:[weakly] Wow, what a woman!
[Inside Cashina, Plankton is charred and smoking too. He covers up the microphone again, and some slight feedback is heard.]
Plankton: Ugh. Well, I finally did it— I kissed a crab!
[Bubble wipe to Mr. Krabs' anchor at night. The camera zooms in on his bedroom window. Cut to Mr. Krabs lying on his stomach on his hammock, giggling. He is holding and looking at a golden heart-shaped locket, but only the back of it can be seen at first. Krabs sighs dreamily and rolls over onto his back, then resumes giggling. We cut to a shot of the front of the locket, and finally get to see what he is looking at: the locket contains a picture of Cashina with one hand on her hip and the other fluffing her "hair," on a magenta background with red hearts surrounding her.]
Mr. Krabs:[now sitting up] Oh, Cashina... [he kisses Cashina's picture... right as his daughter Pearl opens the door and steps into the room]
Pearl:[cheerfully] Daddy, I want to... [The background music stops with a record scratch. Mr. Krabs gasps and stops kissing the locket, but it's too late. He shifts his gaze to behind him and sees Pearl's smile fade and her eyes open wide.] EEWWWW! [her face turns from shock to disgust and she points an accusing finger at her father] Are you kissing a locket with a woman's picture in it?!!
[Krabs starts to sweat profusely.]
Mr. Krabs:[nervously shaking his head] Oh, no, no! [glances away to the right] I was, uh... [he holds up the locket, making sure Pearl only sees the back of it, and points to it] I was polishin'... this jewelry... with me... mouth hole... you see. [he sticks his tongue out as he speaks and points to his mouth, which now has red lips] Like this! [he closes his eyes, growing eyelashes, and kisses the locket several times] Right, hmm... [He puts the locket's chain around his neck, tucking the locket itself under his shirt to hide it from Pearl. He finishes by smiling goofily.]
Pearl:[screaming in Mr. Krabs' face, causing him to recoil somewhat] GROSS!! [storms angrily out of the room; her father gets down from the hammock and follows her]
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, me little beluga... [Pearl stops, turns around, and puts her flippers on her hips; Krabs scratches the back of his head again] I never thought I'd say this, but... [raises a claw and smiles] I may have found you a new mom.
Pearl:[shakes her head] No way! [starts pacing counterclockwise around Mr. Krabs with her flippers out] I have seen stepmoms in movies, Dad. She'll make me sweep up the cinders, and then she won't let me go to the ball! [she stops pacing] And then I'll never meet my Prince Charming! [she starts bawling, and tears start spraying from her eyes like little waterfalls and flood the room]
Mr. Krabs:[pulls a string, which unplugs a cork stopper, thereby draining the ocean of tears Pearl cried and leaving behind a few puddles] Ya know, we're gonna have to have another talk about fantasy and reality.
Pearl:[who has stopped crying by now, but is still worried] Okay... then what's she like?
Mr. Krabs:[nervously] Well, she's... [A cash register ding is heard, and Mr. Krabs grins and his eyes get huge and shiny. He is surrounded by twinkling stars and dollar signs] ...everything I've ever wanted in a woman.
Mr. Krabs:[sees Pearl crossing her arms and snaps out of it] Oh, don't worry, sweetie. Nothing will ever come between us. [He scuttles over and starts petting her on the nose. Pearl smiles. Just then, the doorbell rings, and Mr. Krabs gasps excitedly.] She's here! Out of me way! [Pearl does not get out of the way in time, and her dad rushes past her so quickly that she spins around rapidly before slowing to a stop and flopping down on her back. Mr. Krabs gets to the front door and opens it for Cashina.] Hello, me little money stack. [he walks her over to the table where Pearl is already sitting in a blue metal chair, looking rather upset] I want you to meet me daughter, Pearl. [he sits in a plain chair, while Cashina hops up onto a barrel topped with a round red throw cushion]
Cashina:[awkwardly] Pearl, I... love your rouge. [points at it] How chic!
Pearl:[not amused] It's actually a rash. [she has a rash that looks like rouge on the left side and continuing about a third of the way across the front side of her nose]
Plankton:[inside Cashina, starting to sweatdrop] Uhhhh... Teen Talk, Teen Talk... [he picks up a purple magazine with the red words "TEEN TALK" on a yellow background on the front cover, and fries through the pages] Ah. Girls like shoes.
[while Plankton has been consulting his Teen Talk magazine, Cashina's face has become frozen in a weird expression, but it pops back to normal.]
Cashina:[pointing at Pearl's boots] Well, Pearl, I love your shoes.
Pearl:[getting mad, crossing her arms] I'm not wearing shoes. Those are barnacles. [a quick shot of Pearl's feet reveal that Pearl is indeed not wearing her white boots right now; she does, however, have white barnacles covering her back fins that look like boots from a distance]
Cashina: Oh, uh... heh... [raises her finger] I have some cream for that.
Pearl:[explodes]Stop trying to mom at me, lady![She bangs on the table with both fists so hard that Cashina and Mr. Krabs both bounce in their seats. Pearl looks away and crosses her arms.] I don't need youuu!
Cashina:[becoming a little concerned] Well, Pearl, since I'm seeing your father, I hope we can learn to understand each other.
Pearl:[points at Cashina] You'll never understand me! [gets up so fast she knocks her chair over] In fact, I'm going to make it a point to never be understandable again! [she walks over to the bathroom doorway, but turns back and points at Cashina again] Blarb snobble goober blaaab!
[On the word "blab," she stomps her foot as hard as she can, causing the screen to shake briefly, and runs into the bathroom. Mr. Krabs sighs as Cashina jumps up onto the table.]
Mr. Krabs: Let me talk to her.
Cashina:[holds her hand out as if she's saying "stop"] No. I think I should do this alone.
[she ruffles her "hair"; bubble wipe to Krabs pacing back and forth in the living room]
Mr. Krabs:[groaning] Oh... I haven't been this nervous since me first boatswain's ball. [he is startled when he sees Pearl and Cashina descending the stairs into the living room]
Cashina:[telling Pearl a story] ...and I was all, "You call this a mugging?" And then I suplexed him until he gave me my purse back! [they both hug each other and laugh hysterically]
Mr. Krabs:[walking over to them with his claws on his hips] Hey-hey, you two! How about inviting me into your inside joke? Eh?
Pearl: Oh, you wouldn't get it, Dad. It's a "giiirl thing."
Mr. Krabs:[walks closer to Cashina and gets onto one knee again while bowing, surprising Cashina] Cashina, you know I love ya. [looks up at Pearl] And now me daughter loves ya too. Will you marry me, Cashina?
[Cashina studies Mr. Krabs' face. He is biting his lip and looks almost desperate, almost pleading. Pearl smiles really big excitedly, hoping Cashina will say "yes." Cut to inside Cashina.]
Plankton:[clenching his teeth, also excited] Eeeeeeee...
[Back to Mr. Krabs' face.]
Cashina:[holding her arms out] Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Pearl clasps her fins to the sides of her face. Three hot-pink hearts with dollar bills inside them appear floating above Mr. Krabs. Cut to inside Cashina]
Plankton: Perfect! [lifts his finger up high in the air] When we're married, he'll have to tell me the secret formula! [laughs evilly, then fist-pumps] Yeah!
[Bubble wipe to the Krusty Krab sometime later, possibly even the next day. The exterior of the building has already been decorated for the wedding. A red carpet leads to the entrance, which is surrounded by colorful lights that have been strung all the way around the Krusty Krab and even around the pole of the sign, which has a silver diamond ring sitting in the bottom part of the clamshell. The maritime flags hanging above the door and windows have been replaced by a white banner with small red hearts painted all over it; the banner is supported in the center by two big hearts— the bigger one is red, and the smaller one which is in front of the bigger one is closer to pinkish-red. Last but not least, some red, pink, and light blue balloons are tied to the chimney. A few boatmobiles are already parked out front, including a white limousine with yellow porthole Windows and a yellow spoiler, which is presumably for Mr. Krabs and Cashina. The whole scene zooms in slightly.]
Mr. Krabs:[from inside] SpongeBob! You're gonna be me wedding planner.
[cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob inside the former's office]
SpongeBob:[removes his work hat, puts his legs together, and bows] I'm so honored, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Great! [holds up a dollar as a cash register dings] Here's your budget.
[he hands the dollar to SpongeBob, who takes it]
SpongeBob:[stretches the dollar with both hands, then lets it go, causing it to make a snapping sound, and holds it up high] Mr. Krabs, I am gonna stretch this dollar until it begs for mercy! [he sees Mr. Krabs walk up to him looking rather offended, and starts playing with the dollar nervously] No... disrespect for your new bride.
[Cut to five onions, four heads of lettuce, six tomatoes, six Krabby Patty patties, and three different kinds of cheese sitting on a table that has been decorated with a white tablecloth. SpongeBob chops all of this up with his spatula, turning it into an amazing centerpiece with blue ribbon sticking out of it and a golden trident in the center. In a wider shot, we can see that SpongeBob has already decorated a few tables the same way. As Squidward, wearing a top hat with a red band and a wedding tuxedo with a red bowtie, puts a white tablecloth over a bare table, SpongeBob, in an outfit similar to Squidward's, tops the centerpiece with a whole tomato, then stands back and admires his work with a big smile on his face. Pink ribbon can be seen strung around a pole along with green confetti, with more pink ribbon hanging from the ceiling. A white banner with small red hearts on it, similar to the one outside, is also hung from the ceiling. After a second, SpongeBob runs away laughing. Just then, Patrick appears, dressed in a top hat with a purple band and a black bowtie, along with his shorts. He is also wearing white cuffs. He is carrying a plate stacked with plates and glasses, but is also rolling backwards on a wooden barrel. Squidward does not care and continues with his tablecloth.]
Patrick:[struggling to stay on the barrel] Huh, hee, whooah-oh-hoo-hoo...!
[SpongeBob flings a few plain patties onto a banner and the words "Krabs + Cashina" are spelled on screen. SpongeBob splats some ketchup in a cup. Then he takes that same cup and then gets a cup of mustard in his other hand.]
SpongeBob: Would you like our house red or or house yellow? [laughs]
[Afer they finish making the wedding decorations, the scene fades to the wedding going on.]
Wedding Manager: And now, the couple will exchange their vow.
Cashina: Eugene, you have everything I've ever wanted with a man: An exoskeleton, freakishly long eyestalks, and the secret krabby patty formula.
Mr. Krabs: Cashina, you gave it to my life, but I thought I'd leave the rest of it alone. You showed me once and for all: If money can't buy you love, it can give you love.
Wedding Manager: You may now kiss the bride. [They kiss each other and get electrocuted again. The audience goes wild]
Cashina: Oh no, what about the bouquet?
SpongeBob: Uh... One bouquet coming up, Mrs. Krabs [He steals some flowers from the crowd and makes a bouquet and Cashina throws it to Patrick, causing him to eat it.]
Patrick:[laughs with his mouth full] Hooray! I win! [he belches loudly]
[All the women start bawling, while a bloated Mrs. Puff just sits there sadly. Scene bubble transitions to Mr. Krabs dancing with Cashina.]
SpongeBob:[As Patrick picks his teeth with a toothpick] It's a shame Plankton couldn't be here.
Plankton: (inside Cashina) Ugh... UHH... UHH! Who knew Eugene was so light on his crab legs? [He vomits. Bubble transitions to Honeymoon Hotel, Mr. Krabs and Cashina's car pull up and they enter the hotel, into a room. Mr. Krabs takes off his tie and goes over to Cashina, who is on top of two pillows]
Cashina: Eugene, I don't want there to be any secrets between us.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, what? Oh, I'll tell you everything. No matter how embarrassed, I went to bed until I was 40. My armpits smell like tarter sauce when I'm afraid.
Cashina: Not those kinds of secrets.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, OK. Whatever you want, me sweet. Just ask.
Cashina: I want you to tell me... (scheming smile face) the secret Krabby Patty formula!
Mr. Krabs: The what?
Cashina: The secret formula... is locked away in your heart. Unlock your heart for me, Eugene. Let me in
Mr. Krabs: Oh, anything for you, baby. (He looks in both directions, Left and Right) I'm gonna whisper it to you, just in case there's any prying ears out there.
Plankton: Oh boy, here it comes!
Mr. Krabs: Alright, me sweet. Here it is. (He starts to get emotional) Ugh. I'm gettin' a little emotional. While, I never told anyone the secret... Krabby Patty formula before. [Cashina grins in anticipation] So, here goes. [he takes a deep breath, about to tell her the formula, but then grimaces as a tear falls from his eye] Erngh. [His tear falls into Cashina's mouth, causing her to explode and reveal Plankton inside a robot.]
Plankton: (Girl voice) Come on, Krabs [The voice starts to fade away into his normal voice] Let it all out! [Realizes Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: PLANKTON?!
Plankton: No, no, I'm not Plankton [Tries to cover himself with a part of the robot. Imitating Cashina] I'm Cashina, you're blushing bride. I.. uh... uh... Am I blushing?
Mr. Krabs: YOU... MONSTER! [He is about to crush Plankton but stops and groans loudly]
Plankton: You're not gonna crush me?
Mr. Krabs: I've been alone for so long, and for the first time in forever, I felt for someone. Well, I mean something: A pile of cash with lips. It was all too good to be true. Cashina may have not been real, but me feelings were, weren't they?
Plankton: Get a hold of yourself, Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Plankton, are you saying it was all just a scheme to you? And you felt nothing?
Plankton: You're crazy! I'm out of here, and one day, the formula WILL BE MINE! Mark it. [He exits. Mr. Krabs scoops up some of the remains of Cashina in each of his claws and holds them close to his face, trying not to cry. He cries anyway. A doorman enters the room.]
Doorman: Oh, hey buddy. I want you to know: although your wife just ran out on you, you still have to tip me.[He puts all the cash into his suit, grabs a nickel and throws it. He catches it with his soup and makes a dazed face at it. The episode ends.]