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Transcribed by: Christian Frates

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT

A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers sprinkling.

We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree, where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb. He has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman. Suddenly the lights turn on.

PEEPER (whispering) Showtime!

We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's window. She is wearing business attire.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy? (takes bite of sandwich) Well you'll feel better once you slip off those work clothes and get into some sweats.

The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing her feet.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Oh my G-D, yes! I wish you would let me rub those feet. Of course I wouldn't use my hands. Heh heh heh heh...

He sips some wine.

The mother starts to unbutton her blouse. She takes it off, revealing a nice bra.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Looks like Victoria just told me her secret.

The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook. Mouthing the words as he goes.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m., first brassiere sighting... (stops writing) I will pleasure myself to this image for months. MONTHS I TELL YOU!

The mother starts to unbutton her pants. Her young son walks in wearing a scouts uniform.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Young Scottie Dunleavy. What unfortunate timing. You mother was just getting comfy.

The son talks to his mother excitedly.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great knots today or whatever. Now get out.

The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.

PEEPER (CONT'D) Now what. This simply won't do.

The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son answers.

SCOTTIE Hello?

PEEPER Hello, Scottie. Why don't you go downstairs like a good boy and let your mother freshen up.

SCOTTIE Who is this?

PEEPER Just a little birdie. A birdie who wants to see if your mother's panties match her bra.

MOTHER Oh my G-D Scottie. Is there a man up our tree?

The peeper gets nervous.

PEEPER Tell her no. Tell her it's just a big bird.

The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises. We SEE Scottie with his sling shot. The mother nods yes. He shoots it. It hits the peeper square in the head. He falls to the ground with a thud. He's dead.

HARD CUT:

INT. HOLE - DAY

The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by on all sides.

The peeper is falling down, down, down. The whole way screaming like a five-year old girl.

PEEPER'S POV

We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire. He SCREAMS.

EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL

We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES. We hear screaming. Wham! We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in a heap in a shallow pit of coals.

Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the fire wall at different levels. (NOTE: All the arrivals clothes are now burned & shredded).

GATEKEEPER (O.S.) Welcome!

The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.

PEEPER Am I in hell?

GATEKEEPER What do you think?

A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area. We leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to...

MATTE PAINTING HELL

MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN

The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell. A road leads toward it like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals. We see the black castle in the distance. The camera zooms into the castle, to one particular window.

INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY

Looks like an American teenager's room - models, a dresser, heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no bed - Devils don't sleep). Nicky is air guitaring to the song. Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled "NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX."

The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.

NICKY (embarrassed) Hey...

JIMMY THE DEMON Your father wants to see you and your brothers in the throne room.

NICKY Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is rockin', don't forget the knockin'!

INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY

ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts. They're aiming for people's faces that are coming through the wall.

CASSIUS I knew it. He's finally retiring.

ADRIAN I've been waiting on this day for ten thousand years.

He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.

HUMAN DARTBOARD Aaaah!

CASSIUS If the old man picks me to take over Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty four seven. No breaks.

ADRIAN Well Dad says it's the breaks that make the torture. You have to let people feel a sense of relief.

Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS in the eye.

HUMAN DARTBOARD Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

ADRIAN Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring is what he says doesn't matter anymore.

Cassius pulls out the dart. The eye comes with it.

CASSIUS I'll take that.

Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it. THWACK! It splatters like a grape.

HUMAN DARTBOARD Was that really necessary?

Nicky enters sheepishly.

CASSIUS Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing today?

NICKY Good, thanks.

Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.

CASSIUS Hey. Hey. Hey. Wanna mind wrestle?

Cassius' eyes start glowing red.

NICKY Actually, I'll take a rain check on0

Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible force.

CASSIUS Got ya!

NICKY (picking up his head) Yes, you got me...

Nicky's head slams back down again.

CASSIUS Got ya, again!

NICKY (picking head up) Got me for sure, yes...

He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the head.

CASSIUS Got ya! Now here's the big finish...

Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his own crotch.

NICKY Oh no. Please Cassius...

Nicky's hand is being possessed. It gets closer and closer until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.

NICKY (CONT'D) Aaaaah.

Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own hand. Nicky screams even louder. Adrian smiles. They don't notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small devil horns), enters behind them.

DAD What are you boys doing?

Cassius releases Nicky's hand.

NICKY Nothing, Dad. Just re-arranging the furniture.

DAD Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out of your brother's mind?

CASSIUS I forgot.

DAD Maybe this will help you remember.

Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the floor.

Dad gives Nicky a wink. Nicky smiles. Dad has an air of confidence and power.

DAD (CONT'D) Now everybody sit down.

NICKY Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying down my monsters of metal compilation tape. I really think it's a masterpiece.

DAD Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.

He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad closes the curtains.

Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of his throne. Dad looks down at his three sons.

DAD (CONT'D) This, as some of you might know, is my ten thousandth year as Prince of Darkness. So I think the time has come to discuss who will succeed me.

Jimmy the Demon walks in.

JIMMY THE DEMON Knock, knock.

DAD Yes, Jimmy.


JIMMY THE DEMON

Don't forget, you're shoving a pineapple up Hitler's ass at four AM.

Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention back to his sons.

DAD This was a very difficult decision, because I have three wonderful sons. I mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless. And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And Nicky, so...so...

NICKY Don't worry about coming up with anything. It's cool.

DAD Such a sweet boy. But after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next ten thousand years is going to have to be...me.

CASSIUS AND ADRIAN (dumbfounded) What!?

NICKY Hallelujah.

They all look at Nicky.

NICKY (CONT'D) I mean...that sucks.

DAD The important thing for the stability of our rule is to maintain the balance between good and evil. And I don't think any of you are ready for that responsibility yet. You need the wisdom that comes only with the passage of time.

CASSIUS Dad! This is bullshit!

Dad glares.

                               DAD
               I don't like that language.
       Jimmy enters and points at his watch.

DAD Right. Right. Send him in. (to the boys) I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back to work.

Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops.

ADRIAN You sure about this decision, Dad?

DAD I'm telling you, pal, it's the right thing to do.

HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by Jimmy. They head towards the closet.

Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple. Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...

CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES

As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.

EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY

Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.

CASSIUS You work your ass off for ten thousand years, hurting people, helping others hurt people, then you get a decision like that.

ADRIAN And he's dead serious.

CASSIUS It's just such a slap in the face.

Adrian turns to the Monster.

ADRIAN Um, excuse me, we're having a private conversation here.

CASSIUS Yeah, get out of here! Beat it!

Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face. The Monster shrugs and walks off.

ADRIAN Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm getting tired of serving in Hell. We need a place where we can rule.

Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back. Cassius sees this and gets enraged.

CASSIUS Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it on!! Let's see what you got!

The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.

CASSIUS (CONT'D) That's what I thought!

ADRIAN (to Cassius) Could you concentrate for five seconds?

CASSIUS I am concentrating. Where can we rule?

ADRIAN What do you think about...Earth?

Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) We could create our own hell there.

CASSIUS You saying we go up there and kill everyone?

ADRIAN Eventually, Cassius. But first we corrupt as many as we can so that when we do destroy them...

CASSIUS ...their damned souls will be ours.

ADRIAN It's our time, brother.

The two look at each other. They start running toward the fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way.

GATEKEEPER Hey, what are you doing?!?

They get closer to the fire.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D) You can't go through there. The fire flows in, not out.

They dive through the fire wall. It FREEZES.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D) You really suck!

Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the firewall hard.


INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

CLOSE ON DAD.

DAD I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I regretfully have to decline.

ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.

DAN C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one Superbowl ring.

DAD In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino.

DAN You did it for Namath.

DAD Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways. Just go back to Earth and enjoy your records and the Hall of Fame and the beautiful family and all that.

DAN This is bullshit, man. (gets up to leave) I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year, with or without you!

DAD Now you're talking.

Dan exits.

NICKY You're a good devil, Dad.

DAD And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his knees.

GATEKEEPER Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have escaped from hell. They went through the fire, and they broke it. I think they took the New York tunnel. I tried to stop them, but they overpowered me, sir.

DAD Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off your knees.

The Gatekeeper stands up.

GATEKEEPER Thanks for being so understanding, your worship. You're the man. You've always been the man.

Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We only see them from the front for a second. From behind the gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the nipples as he talks to Nicky.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D) (to Nicky) Are there boobs on my head?

NICKY Yeah. Big ones.

Dad is staring off. He looks shaken.

DAD This is bad, Nicky.

NICKY How bad?

DAD I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates are broken, no new souls can get in, which means I'll start to deteriorate into nothing.

GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.

LUCIFER What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?

DAD Everything's fine, pop.

LUCIFER Everything's fine? Who are you bullshitting?

               The last time you said everything was fine, 
               the renaissance happened.

DAD Please, pop, just go back to your room.

LUCIFER (regarding gateskeeper) Hey, can I take him with me?

DAD Sure, pop. Whatever you want.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER

We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED SOULS in hell are sneaking off.

The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.

Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.

DAMNED SOULS (O.S.) What's going on? Where are we?

We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud thuds.

JIMMY THE DEMON Nothing's getting through that. The fire is solid as a rock.

NICKY We gotta get this bad boy burning again. Ideas?

DAD To do that Cassius and Adrian have to come back through the other way.

NICKY So go get 'em, Dad!

DAD I'm too weak. The process has already begun.

Dad holds up his hand. His pink is hanging by a thread. We see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.

NICKY So go get 'em, Jimmy!

JIMMY THE DEMON I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got devil blood in me. I'd last two minutes up there with your brothers.

NICKY You're not saying it's up to me?

The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as if to say, "oh no."

NICKY (CONT'D) I've never been to Earth. I've never even slept over at some other dude's house!

JIMMY THE DEMON You're the spawn of Satan. You got it in you.

DAD Nicky, the worst thing that could happen on Earth is you get killed, in which case, boom, you end up back here.

NICKY Are you telling me I have to go to Earth and kill my brothers?

JIMMY THE DEMON Not go. They left together at the exact same time. They gotta come back together at the exact same time.

Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.

DAD Here. Get them drunk from this. One sip and they'll be trapped inside. Once you've got both of them, you bring the flask back through the gate.

Dad's pinky is hanging. Jimmy pulls it off and examines it. The Monster gags.

JIMMY THE DEMON Your ol' man's got less than a week.

Nicky looks petrified.

NICKY No. This can't be happening.

DAD Son, just do your best.

Nicky looks teary eyed. The moment is broken by the Monster, who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.

Nicky goes through the solid fire wall. PAUSE. The Monster taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get a move on."

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

A SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL

PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between two tracks, to a putrid puddle. Nicky breaks through the surface, sputtering. We hear a rumbling in the near distance.

NICKY Okay. Earth. The Blue Marble. This doesn't look too bad.

Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and WHAMMM!

EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in the coal pit. His Dad limps back to him.

JIMMY THE DEMON You were gone ten seconds. What happened?

NICKY I got hit by a big light that was attached to a lot of metal.

DAD That's a train, son. Don't stand in front of them.

NICKY Well, I guess I'm going to have to take a mulligan on this one.

DAD Please, Nicky, get back up there. (his ear falls off) Try to hurry.

Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

Nicky makes it back through the hole. Looks both ways and hops out of the hole. He carefully crosses the tracks and is stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side. In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to identify their passengers at the airport. On the sign is scrawled "NICKY."

Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.

NICKY I'm Nicky.

Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.

BEEFY (voice of Sandy Wernick) Hey, terrific!! Now get off the track and come with me, shitstains.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY

The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking around suspiciously, talking to the dog.

BEEFY My name's Beefy. I'm an old friend of your father's. He's asked me to help you out.

NICKY I just need to find my brothers and be on my way, Beefy.

BEEFY It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers can possess people. So they probably won't look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone.

Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.

NICKY Okay, "bro," this jig is up... (pulling out the flask) Just get in the bottle. Just slide right on in there.

BEEFY It's not me, moron.

NICKY Oh. Sorry.

EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance. People put money in his pot.

PREACHER Oh how the Lord loves you. All his children. (passerby puts in money) He thanks you for your kindness. (another woman puts in money) God bless, Ma'am. The Lord loves you... The Lord loves you...

We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind. The PREACHER sniffs.

PREACHER (CONT'D) The Lord does not love you. I sense...pure evil. (thrusts his cross in Nicky's face) You make the Lord very nervous. (feeling hot) I'm burning...ahhh. (running away) The Devil walks among us!

He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.

PREACHER (CONT'D) Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!

He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance. He disappears. Beefy turns to Nicky.

BEEFY Makin' friends already.

NICKY (shivering a little) It's freezing up here, Beefy.

BEEFY You're on Earth now, kid. Gonna have the same physical needs and limitations a human has. We'll stop by K-mart. Get you some warm clothes.

NICKY I also have this odd pain in my mid section. Kind of a hollow feeling...

BEEFY That pain is hunger.

EXT. BENCH - DAY

K-mart bag is next to a bench. PAN UP to see Nicky wearing an extra warm SKI OUTFIT. Sitting next to him on the bench is Beefy. Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN. Nicky takes out a drumstick.

BEEFY Put it in your mouth.

Nicky puts it in his mouth. Holds it there.

BEEFY (CONT'D) Now move your teeth up and down.

Nicky does. He chews for a long time.

BEEFY (CONT'D) Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your head back and let the meat slide down your throat-hole.

Nicky does. He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.

NICKY Popeye's chicken is fucking awesome!

BEEFY Uh-huh. Now eat it up. You're gonna need your energy.

NICKY I got energy up the ying-yang. Let's go save dad!

NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right into the path of a moving bus.

INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs. The gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra. He seems to be enjoying it. We hear a THUD. They look down to see Nicky on the ground. (We didn't see him flying through this time.)

The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop. Kind of embarrassed.

GATEKEEPER Hey.

NICKY That's a pretty brassiere.

GATEKEEPER Thanks.

NICKY Could you maybe not tell anyone about this?

GATEKEEPER You got it. Could you maybe not tell anyone about this?

NICKY You got it.

Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall. As soon as his back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I love your boobs." The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh (we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).

EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY

Beefy is walking with him down the street. Nicky is crazy cautious.

NICKY From now on. I'm just going to avoid all moving metal objects.

BEEFY Great. Now your father gave me some deposit money for a nice pad on the Upper East Side. But I misplaced it.

FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT

Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club. Champagne is on the table. Bills in his mouth. We see THREE DANCERS dancing for him.

FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. VILLAGE STREET

Nicky and Beefy.

BEEFY So I found this other joint for you. But you're gonna have a roommate.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.

TODD (on phone) I know exactly how you feel... The night Reagan was elected, I said to my mother, "Is this man going to blow up the world, Mommy?" Then we both cried for like an hour. (knock at the door) Somebody's here. Call you later.

Todd gets up and opens the door. It's Nicky, with Beefy by his side. Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.

NICKY Hello, friend, my name is Nicky. I understand you're seeking a roommate, as per your advertisement in the Village Voice. Would it be possible for me to fill the slot?

TODD Uh, don't you want to know what the rent is?

Nicky looks down at Beefy. Beefy looks up at Nicky. Both nod imperceptibly.

NICKY Yes. What is rent?

TODD Eight-hundred, split down the middle. Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with my scene partner so the living room will be off limits.

NICKY Off limits.

TODD Right. And as far as household items: we can share the soap, but we'll split the cost 60/40. Cause the person who physically goes out and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay as much as the other guy. (looks at Nicky) Aren't you boiling in that outfit?

NICKY No.

TODD It's like eighty degrees in this hallway. You from the South?

NICKY Yeah. The deep South.

Nicky laughs a little too hard.

TODD Why is that funny?

NICKY I don't know.

TODD And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.

Todd turns and goes into the apartment.

BEEFY You'll be alright. Go on. Big day tomorrow. Don't forget to do that sleep thing I told you about.

NICKY Got ya. (to Todd) Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?

TODD Yeah, your bedroom is right over there.

The door closes. Beefy looks down at the welcome mat. It reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING. Beefy raises his leg over it.

INT. NICKY'S ROOM

Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully clothed. When he inhales through his nose, we hear that familiar snoring/snorting sound. But when he exhales, we hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.

SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands, looking concerned.

EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING

We HEAR the bells toll. We see the beautiful exterior of a large church.

INT. CATHEDRAL

CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL. He ascends the steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation. We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service. He gins his homily.

CARDINAL In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who we are to live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven... or something like that. Jesus this. Moses that. Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat.

The crowd stares dumbfounded. We see that the Cardinal is standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box with the top open.

CARDINAL (CONT'D) Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of hibbity-jibbity. But has he ever really done anything for us? Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? Has he ever given any of my enemies the herpes? No. He hasn't done a damn thing for any of us.

A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.

MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs.

CARDINAL Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me, he was better off on drugs. He's a bore. At least when he was smoking hashish, he made me laugh occasionally.

A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.

YOUNG MAN After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby.

CARDINAL No, your best friend Fitzie helped your wife conceive a baby. He helped her conceive it all night long.

Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts to "raise the roof." Then thinks better of it. The Cardinal points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.

CARDINAL (CONT'D) How about you, Mr. Mayor? The Lord ever do anything for you?

The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.

MAYOR (standing) Well, I wish I could think of something, Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I can't. Kind of makes you wonder if there even is a Lord. If there is any ultimate punishment for our so-called "sins." Maybe we should all just have fun and do whatever the hell we want.

A hubbub is raised by the crowd. Fitzie raises the roof again, this time energetically.

CARDINAL Amen to that. Let the sin begin!

The hubbub grows to a roar. Several PEOPLE start fighting over the money in the collection plate.

The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor. We hear the Cardinal's thoughts - in Adrian's voice.

ADRIAN (O.S.) Oh, this is delicious.

ON MAYOR

He's smirking. WE HEAR his telepathic response.

CASSIUS (O.S.) (laughing) "Let the sin begin" - that was a good one.

ADRIAN (O.S.) Well, we must get people sinning if we want to fill up our New Hell. How are things going down at City Hall?

CASSIUS (O.S.) I lowered the drinking age to ten.

ADRIAN (O.S.) Brilliant. This is so much fun. I never want it to end.

CASSIUS (O.S.) Why should it end? Who's gonna stop us?

The Mayor/Cassius laughs. As he does, his eyes slowly cross.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk. PAN OVER TO:

Nicky, his pants around his ankles. He's trying to do the same.

NICKY This is intense! And it happens every day? Sometimes twice? I gotta tip my hat to you people!

BEEFY Look, it's okay for me to shit the street. But you gotta use a toilet.

NICKY (pulling up pants) Okay, just point me in the right direction next time.

BEEFY Come on, there's like ten million people in this city and the clock is ticking.

NICKY Well, let's rock and roll.

Nicky looks at the next person walking by. It's a CHINESE DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle. Nicky clotheslines him, taking him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock.

NICKY (CONT'D) Get in the bottle. Dad's falling apart. You froze the gate and you're killing him. Drink!

Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips.

CHINESE DELIVERY GUY I'm not thirsty! I'm not thirsty!

NICKY just get in the flask!

The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick to the head and runs away. Nicky gets up.

NICKY (CONT'D) Adrian and Cassius! You think a kick to the head is gonna make me throw in the towel? Well, in the immortal words of Judas Priest, "You got another thing comin'."

Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Nicky approaches various people as they pass. (To be shot long lense, real people, real reactions.)

INT. POPEYE'S - DAY

Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the Cashier to drink. The Cashier yanks his head away and gives Nicky a dirty look. Nicky shrugs and points to the menu, ordering some chicken.

EXT. STREET - DAY

nicky walks up to a homeless man. He thrusts the bottle in his face. To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes it and drinks. Nothing happens. Nicky is baffled. He tries to take the flask back, but the man won't let go. Finally he grabs it away from him. The man starts throwing garbage at Nicky as he walks away.

INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY

Beefy is looking around for Nicky. He spots him - inside the polar bear cage. Nicky approaches the bear holding the flask.

INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again. The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs.

GATEKEEPER Bus?

NICKY Beast.

The Monster laughs.

GATEKEEPER (to Monster) You like that? You think that's funny?

The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D) How about that? You like that?

The Monster howls with delight.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a Popeye's drumstick.

NICKY All that running and chasing is making the sleep thing want to come early.

BEEFY I think we have to work on narrowing down our list of suspects. Now I'm going to go check in with some of my contacts uptown.

Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores. He's asleep. Beefy sighs.

BEEFY (CONT'D) Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just begging to come out...

Beefy walks away.

EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY

Nicky snores. Masses of birds fly out of the trees. Nicky snores. Squirrels run out of trees. Nicky snores.

ON WORRIED PEOPLE

Staring at Nicky who continues to snore. Two HEAVY-METAL GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a goofy dance. They hear something and turn the music down: it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore.

PETER Sounds like our devil dance actually worked this time.

JOHN 'Bout time...

Nicky snores. It sounds like "I will eat your hearts." The worried people run away. Nicky snores. Children on the Carousel, going real fast, upset. Nicky snores.

Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench.

JOHN (CONT'D) There's our man.

PETER Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties to the dark side.

A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky. He eyes the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket.

JOHN What's with that guy?

PETER Gotta be one of his disciples or something.

Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten drumstick) and runs off.

JOHN Yo, man, I think that devil guy just got ripped off.

PETER Should we wake him up?

JOHN Yeah. You do it.

Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud SNORT.

PETER Rise and shine, devil guy. Some dude just stole your shit.

Nicky feels for the flask. It's gone.

NICKY Oh nooooo....

Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth.

NICKY (CONT'D) Which way did he go?

JOHN That way.

Nicky is about to run off. Looks at John's shirt.

NICKY Iron Maiden live double disc is simply phenomenal.

He runs off.

PETER Did you check out the dragon mouth?

JOHN The Dark Prince is here.

EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY

Nicky is searching the street for his flask. He walks past several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the sidewalk. PAUSE. Nicky comes walking back into frame as he sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the blanket of the VENDOR.

NICKY Hey...

STREET VENDOR See something you like, my man?

NICKY Yes. I would like my flask back.

The street vendor stands, very angry.

STREET VENDOR You callin' me a thief, my man?

NICKY No, I'm just calling you... a guy who has my flask.

STREET VENDOR And if that is your so-called "flask," how would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief?

NICKY (not sure what the answer is) I don't know?

STREET VENDOR Okay, now you gone and done it. You done messed with my business bitch!

NICKY Sir, I would prefer if you didn't raise your voice. It's making my muscles tighten.

We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red.

STREET VENDOR Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on me? I'll show you some crazy eyes. Let's get busy.

The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts swinging his fists around.

Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, is selling clothes off a spread out blanket. She notices what's going on.

Nicky's eyes widen in panic. Just then, Valerie steps in.

VALERIE Excuse me, does that flask belong to this man?

STREET VENDOR (frustrated) Now you callin' me a thief, too? Damn.

VALERIE Look, I know you come out here and sell stolen stuff all the time. But today, the guy you stole from just happened to walk by and bust you. So why don't you admit today's not your day and give him his flask back?

STREET VENDOR Or what're you gonna do about it? Ugly me to death?

VALERIE No, but maybe that cop over there might have something to say.

Valerie points to a cop across the street. The Street Vendor ponders this for a second, then...

STREET VENDOR Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy. (looking at Valerie) And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes and find a new corner. Before I show you what real crazy is.

The vendor does crazy eyes again.

VALERIE Fine. I will.

Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.

NICKY Hey, mister. I'll be seeing you in a few years.

Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky follows her.

NICKY (CONT'D) That was amazing. Thanks so much. You didn't have to do that.

VALERIE That's okay. I get messed with all the time and when I saw him doing that to you I just lost it. I hate when people take advantage of tourists. It ruins it for the rest of us.

NICKY You think I'm a tourist?

VALERIE I'm sorry. I just assumed. Your accent maybe. Where are you from?

NICKY The South.

VALERIE Really?

NICKY Yeah. Deep south. (laughs hard)

She laughs along with him, not sure why.

VALERIE Why are you laughing?

NICKY I don't know, but I like it. Say. Your glasses are nice. They make your eyes look sparkly and big. It's fun to look at them.

VALERIE My dad's an optometrist.

NICKY My dad's in hell, and he's falling apart.

VALERIE I'm sorry. It's really tough when your parents get older.

NICKY If I don't save him, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

VALERIE Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like you will figure something out.

Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her. He hands her the half-eaten drumstick.

NICKY You want some Popeye's?

VALERIE That's alright. I already ate lunch. I actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati.

NICKY Could I come with you to getting a Gelati?

VALERIE If you want to.

NICKY Want to? A million angry octopus people couldn't hold me back!

VALERIE "Octopus people?"

NICKY Uh, it's a deep south expression.

Nicky laughs.

EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.

NICKY It's freezing my hands.

VALERIE It's not that cold. Here, let me wrap it.

Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky. Just then the PREACHER walks by. He quickly turns his head, sensing Nicky.

PREACHER Why do you taunt me with your darkness?! Your evil is stinking up our streets!

               The end is near! We're all gonna die!

He takes off running right into a lamp post.

VALERIE This town is really going to hell lately. (Nicky nods) So what part of the city do you live in?

NICKY I have an apartment. I don't remember exactly where. My dog knows, though.

VALERIE (laughs) You have a dog? What kind?

NICKY I'm not sure. I'd ask him, but he's uptown talking to his contacts.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.

BEEFY Say Mr. Beefy! Say it! Say it!

GIRL DOG Mr. Beefy.

                               BEEFY
               And I love you!

EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY

VALERIE I'd love to have a dog. But I go to school full time. It wouldn't be fair to the dog.

NICKY School?

VALERIE Parsons School of Design. I knew growing up I wasn't much to look at, so I put my energy into making things that are pretty.

NICKY What's that pleasant smell coming from, your skin?

VALERIE My perfume?

He takes her wrist to his nose. He stares at it, licks it.

VALERIE (CONT'D) (laughs) It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Which I think is the French word for coconuts.

Nicky stops and looks at her.

NICKY Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch of butterflies flapping around in my stomach. Is that normal?

VALERIE Sometimes, sure.

NICKY Good. I was concerned.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall. We hear loud wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side.

GATEKEEPER Doesn't sound very good behind there. I hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth.

The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather biker's hat. He nods along in agreement.

PAN TO LUCIFER

Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of fire/pond.

LUCIFER You know, I was the one who created Hell.

GATEKEEPER I know, your wickedness.

LUCIFER I started slow, though. For years, I was just giving people hot foots. Actually, you can give all the credit for Hell to my first wife; she was the inspiration. She was an ugly one, too.


The Monster laughs really hard.

LUCIFER (CONT'D) Take it easy there, Chewbacca. In fact, you look like her mother, except she had more hair.

The Monster laughs even harder.

EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY

Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.

KID I just stole twenty-five bucks off the bar.

KID #2 How many beers did you have?

KID # 3 Eight sips.

KID I had five! I'm so wasted.

They both high five, throw up and fall. PAN over to ADRIAN sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

ADRIAN When an adult goes to Hell, that's terrific. But when a child goes... that's why I'm in this business.

Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with Valerie. He's shocked.

Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her collection.

NICKY So you're saying, make all pants with a drawstring, then heavier set gals don't have to feel humiliated by telling their waist size in front of the whole store?

VALERIE Basically, yeah.

NICKY Wow. Maybe you should make drawstring socks for gals with fat ankles.

Valerie laughs.

VALERIE You know what's nice about you? You just seem happy being yourself. You don't try to act cool.

NICKY Thanks much. You know what's nice about you, Valerie?

VALERIE What?

Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden. NICKY looks like he's been stunned by something.

NICKY Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.

VALERIE What was that?

NICKY (shocked and confused) I...I don't know why I just said that. I meant to say that...

QUICK CUT TO:

Adrian's eyes flashing.

NICKY (CONT'D) ...I've always wanted to have sex with a gross pig. What do you say we go behind that dumpster, pull our pants down and see what happens?

Valerie's very hurt.

VALERIE You're a jerk.

She turns and walks away. Nicky looks over and sees Adrian. His inner voice speaks to him.

NICKY (O.S.) ADRIAN!

ADRIAN (O.S.) You shouldn't have come here.

NICKY (O.S.) Please, get out of my mind!

Adrian's eyes flash.

NICKY (CONT'D) Hey, Valerie!

She stops and turns. Nicky RAISES his fist to resist Adrian's force. It's too much. His middle finger comes up, giving her the "finger."

VALERIE What the hell's your problem?

She runs away crying. Nicky turns to Adrian who's still across the street.

NICKY (O.S.) Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell. Dad's sick.

ADRIAN (O.S.) He's sick?

NICKY (O.S.) Yeah, he needs souls to live. When you guys left, you broke the gates. We gotta get the gates burning again before he dies.

Adrian processes this.

ADRIAN (O.S.) He should have thought of that before he denied me my birthright.

NICKY (O.S.) Well maybe you should go back and talk it over with him.

ADRIAN (O.S.) How about this? I stay here enjoying my Schnapps and you go back.

Nicky's body jerks around.

NICKY (O.S.) Adrian, please...

Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large truck bearing down on him.

JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them. Peter looks down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes.

PETER Check this out. The number of the beast.

They laugh and hi-five.

ON THE TV - DAY

INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM

Dan Rather speaks to the camera. Over his shoulder we see a graphic of the Arch-Decon's face. NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.)

DAN RATHER Reverberations from Arch-Decon Donnelly's shocking speech are still being felt throughout the city. Today, some disgruntled cast members of the play CATS broke the fourth wall in a most hostile manner.

VIDEO FOOTAGE

A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around shocked audience members.

BACK ON DAN RATHER

DAN RATHER ...But even that does not come close to what happened today on Live with Regis and Kathy Lee.

VIDEO FOOTAGE

The set of Regis and Kathy Lee.

REGIS So I was driving to work today, and some bozo in a Cadillac cut me off...

KATHY LEE Oh, that's terrible, Reege...

REGIS So I followed him...

KATHY LEE You followed him?

REGIS I followed him all the way downtown, and when he gets out of the car, I reach under my seat and pull out an aluminum bat.

KATHY LEE You keep a bat under your seat?

REGIS Recently, yes! So I run up behind this guy, and start bashing his brains in with this bat, and it made me feel happy! Did you ever see THE UNTOUCHABLES?

KATHY LEE Yes, great movie...

REGIS I was DeNiro!

The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying. The TV turns off. We PULL BACK to see that we are in.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

Beefy turns to Nicky.

BEEFY Your brothers are upsetting the balance of good and evil.

NICKY What can I do about it?

BEEFY You can't do jack shit... unless you learn your evil powers. Go get a soda

               out of the fridge.

NICKY But those are my roommate's sodas...

BEEFY (high-pitched mocking) "But those are my roommate's sodas..." Does that sound like a statement the son of the devil would make?

Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it on the coffee table. He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare at the Coke.

BEEFY Nicky, you have the power to change the cola

               in that can into any other liquid - engine

oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just have to release the evil within.

NICKY Release the evil?

BEEFY I'm just saying, there's wickedness in you... I can tell from your snores.

Nicky stares at the can.

BEEFY Release your evil...

Nicky frowns and bites his lip. The can rattles a little.

TODD What are you doing?

Todd is standing in the doorway. Beefy runs to the fire escape.

*******************

TODD (CONT'D) I know it's your living room night. But can I finish watching the Globetrotters' game out here? To me it's classic Comedia Dellarte.

CUT TO:

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

The TV clicks on. We see TODD sit down and look at the TV. Nicky's behind him.

ON TV

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

BILL WALTON What an odd game, folks. The powerhouse 85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, who normal run circles around the 0-85 Nationals, seem to be struggling to find their groove in front of their hometown fans.

A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING. The REF blows the whistle and makes the travelling signal.

REF He's walking, get him a bus!

BILL WALTON Oh, another awful call. There is no way that was travelling.

Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face.

CORNROWS What's with all these crazy calls? You gotta watch that shit, we haven't lost a game in 53 years.

REF Technical foul!

Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face.

ON TODD AND NICKY

NICKY That guy in the striped shirt snaps his fingers like someone I know...

ON TV

The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously slam their heads on the scorers table again and again.

ON TODD AND NICKY

NICKY (CONT'D) It looks like the work of a brother...

TODD A black guy?

NICKY If it's Cassius, yes.

Nicky races for the door.

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's shirt yells out.

GLOBETROTTER FAN Get your head out your ass, ref! The kids came to see the Globetrotters win.

REF Oh, so you wanna lip off to me? Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big mouth in the Globetrotter's shirt. Take ten points off for the Globetrotters.

The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36.

ON STANDS

The KIDS are crying.

ON COURT

The halftime buzzer sounds. The Globetrotters walk off the court. The crowd BOOS.

BILL WALTON In all my years of basketball, I was never so happy to hear a halftime buzzer. Folk, I'm afraid if the second half doesn't get any better, I expect a full scale riot.

A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court.

COURT ANNOUNCER It's time for the Globetrotter's halftime half-court heave throw, where one lucky fan will have a shot at ten thousand dollars!

A brick lands at the announcer's feet.

COURT ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) And if he makes it, everyone in attendance today will receive a free pizza.

INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous. He has a pass on.

MIGUEL I ain't goin' out there and taking the shot. These people have gone crazy.

NICKY I'll take the shot.

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS

As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John.

PETER Look who's back from the dead.

JOHN Six, six, six, pick up sticks.

They high-five. The only happy fans in their section.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV. Beefy is watching from the fire escape.

TODD What's Nicky doing down there?

BEEFY Trying to capture his brother in a flask and preserve the balance of good and evil on Earth.

Todd looks over, suspicious.

TODD Did you just talk?

BEEFY No.

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS

The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky.

COURT ANNOUNCER You better win these people some free pizza. Looks like they're about to start killing each other.

STANDS

A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of stairs.

COURTSIDE

The court announcer hands Nicky the ball. He looks at it.

NICKY Release the evil.

His eyes get red. Staring at the ball, it explodes.

NICKY (CONT'D) Okay, too much evil..

Bill Walton's hair is on fire.

BILL WALTON I think that ball just blew up. And yes, my hair is aflame.

NICKY (turning to sideline) Could I get another ball?

The court announcer throws out another ball. Nicky stares at it again with red eyes.

NICKY (CONT'D) I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle.

Nicky throws an underhand shot. The ball arcs through the air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere and swats it away.

REF Get that crap outta here!

The crowd BOOS! Nicky and the ref stare at each other.

NICKY (O.S.) I know you're having fun, Cassius, but you gotta come back to Hell.

CASSIUS (O.S.) Look around you, Nicky. We're in Hell. The New Hell.

STANDS

We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising the roof.


The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball.

NICKY You know, Dad got very sick when you left.

REF I'm glad he's dying. Cuz it's my turn now.

Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Beefy is watching, transfixed.

BEEFY Take him to the hole, Nicky. (Todd stares) I mean, woof! Woof!

Todd looks at Beefy, terrified.


INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS

Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays extremely tight defense. Nicky fakes one way, then heads toward the basket. The ref stays tight. Nicky's eyes are redder than ever. He fakes left, he fakes right. He dribbles behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then takes his momentum up toward the basket. He jumps from the foul line and flies through the air. He emits a crazy, blood curdling, devil yell.

CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO:

SHOT CLOCK

It reads: 666.

Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE.

Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO.

BACK ON NICKY

Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the Exorcist). He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces. He hits the ref on the way down. The crowd CHEERS, finally happy again.

NICKY Never doubt my skills.

INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

CORNROWS Damn, I gotta learn how to do that.

MID-COURT

Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor, covered in glass. He gets up slowly

REF That's nuts. When'd you learn that shit?

NICKY Sorry, Cassius. Maybe it was the super devil juice Dad gave me. HE thought I might need it for just such an occasion.

REGIS Super devil juice? Give it over. Let's go best two out of three.

NICKY (pulls out the flask) No. No way. Dad said it was only for me.

The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks.

Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the ref's mouth and into the bottle. WHOOSH! The ref slumps to the floor.

STANDS

Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow.

COURTSIDE

Nicky peers into the flask.

CASSIUS (O.S.) Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no super devil juice in here!

Nicky caps the flask. Nicky waves to the stunned, but appreciative crowd.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A homemade cake is laid out. It reads: CONGRATULATIONS, NICKY. JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there.

TODD So your father's the devil, you're a talking dog sent from Hell, and you guys are who?

PETER Just a couple of big fans of Nicky and the work his Dad does.

JOHN By the way, Nicky. Check this out.

He spins his Black Sabbath backwards.

JOHN (CONT'D) What's Ozzy trying to say there?

NICKY John, absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always came straight with his messages. But wrap your minds around this one.

Nicky gets up and we see he is sitting on a hibachi. He puts on a Chicago album and plays it backwards.

VOICE I command you in the name of the Lucifer to spread the blood of the innocent.

John and Peter look at each other, shocked.

                               PETER
               Oh my God! Chicago kicks ass!

JOHN No wonder your uncle's so weird...

TODD I gotta say this cake tastes a little funny.

PETER Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix. Tried to spice up the bash.

BEEFY

               Really?

NICKY What's reefer?

BEEFY

               About five hundred bucks an ounce.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - LATER

PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere. Everyone's laughing hard.

JOHN Come on. One more time.

NICKY Not again, fellas. It kind of hurts.

PETER Please. You got to.

NICKY (resigned) All right...

Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360 degrees. Everyone cracks up, high fives. Even Todd LAUGHS. PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes.

BEEFY I used to get baked like this with my first girlfriend, Heather. We'd get so stoned she would forget I was a dog.

JOHN She was human?

BEEFY Actually, she was a sewer rat. Man, that pissed my parents off.

TODD I was in love one time but she said I wasn't financially reliable enough. And she needed that.

JOHN By she, do you mean he?

TODD No.

BEEFY Busted. (laughs)

PETER How you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul Jabar?

NICKY A little strange. I can't stop thinking about this girl, Valerie.

TODD Why? Did she hurt you? Do you miss her? Need a shoulder to cry on?

JOHN Easy, Liberace.

TODD Oh, would you grow up.

NICKY We had the greatest afternoon of my life until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped ass.

BEEFY Maybe you love her. But what do I know? I'm baked out of my mind.

PETER Me, too. We're gonna get going.

TODD You guys want to stay? I have a futon in my bedroom.

JOHN That's a big pass, Elton John.

PETER We're going to see Ozzy play at the Meadowlands, right now. Wanna come, Nicky?

NICKY No thanks. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to give Ozzy the focus he deserves.

JOHN Whoa, that chick must be the real deal, then. Later on.

NICKY See ya, fellas.

They leave.

BEEFY (O.S.) You better snap out of it soon, kid. Cause we're going after Adrian tomorrow. Seven AM. Nighty, night.

He falls asleep and starts snoring. We hear the SOUND of THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he exhales.

TODD That is the most frightening thing I have ever seen.

Nicky stands and moves to the window. He looks out longingly over the sleeping city... achingly. RACK FOCUS behind him, we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection.

NICKY Todd. Which way to the Parson's School of Design?

EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT

Nicky walks around the corner.

SIGN READS: "Parson's School - Student Housing"

Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms. He looks up. Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent.

NICKY (he sniffs) Coconuts...

Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb. His nose leads him. He reaches the window, sniffing heavily.

INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS

A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence of the Lambs." The student is startled.

STUDENT Hello.

NICKY You smell like coconuts.

STUDENT It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Makes me feel like a hula girl. Which is kinda what I'm going for. Wanna come in?

NICKY No thanks. I'm looking for a girl named Valerie who also smells like coconuts.

STUDENT Valerie Doran? Two floors up, one window over.

NICKY Thanks, much. Good luck with the genital tucking.

STUDENT I don't need luck. I'm good.

Nicky floats away. A few seconds later, he floats back, holding up the flask.

NICKY Adrian?

STUDENT Andrew.

Nicky nods and floats off.

EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in.

INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Cool music. She is up late. Working by candlelight on a fantastic design. Something's not working. She drapes a beautiful fabric over another. She smiles at the combination. She is happy being creative. Nicky feels his heart swell as he watches her.

ON NICKY

He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her. His head bumps the window. She turns, startled. She sees the beaming Nicky.

NICKY Hey.

VALERIE Nicky? Oh my G-d. Stay right there.

Pause. Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace right in Nicky's face.

NICKY Oh that stings! My eyes are on fire!

Nicky stands up and stumbles around.

VALERIE What were you thinking coming here?

NICKY I'm not sure, but it didn't involve getting blinded with poison.

He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes flying over the back rail.

EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT

We see Nicky hurtling toward the street. Holding his eyes.

VALERIE Oh my G-d, I'm so sorry!

Suddenly he stops. Suspended above ground. Valerie doesn't hear the expected thud.

VALERIE (CONT'D) Nicky?

He floats up, but he can't see.

NICKY Valerie?

VALERIE Are you dead?

NICKY No.

VALERIE What are you doing?

NICKY I think I'm floating.

VALERIE Why would you be floating?

NICKY I don't know. Maybe it's because of your sweet voice.

VALERIE Am I supposed to not be freaked out right now? Because I am.

He's floating up. He slows down.

NICKY I can't see you but I can smell you. And you make me feel alive in a way I've never felt before.

CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window. The student's dripping candle wax on his belly.

STUDENT You got the wrong window again, man.

NICKY Oh. Sorry, Andrew. Valerie?

Nicky resumes floating up.

VALERIE I'm over here, Nicky! To the left.

Nicky is parallel with her. He hovers in front of her, eyes still watering. She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies back ten feet.

VALERIE (CONT'D) Look, just because you're floating doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you giving me the finger.

NICKY That wasn't me. I was being possessed by my brother, Adrian. He's the one who call you a gross pig.

VALERIE What do you mean, "possessed?"

NICKY Remember when I told you my Dad was in Hell?

VALERIE Yes...

NICKY Well, that's because he's the Devil. And he wants to keep his throne for another ten-thousand years. Which is fine with me, but not with my brothers, so they broke out of Hell, causing my dad...

VALERIE ... "The Devil?"...

NICKY ...to decompose. And I love my Dad very much. So I came to Earth to save him but then crazy eyes stole my flask and I met you and...well, my dog tells me I just might be in love with you.

His vision is clearing and he can start to see her. She is totally in shock but still here.

VALERIE Okay, now I get that "deep south" joke.

Nicky laughs. Valerie joins in.

VALERIE (CONT'D) I don't know if I should believe you.

Nicky starts to drop.

NICKY You gotta believe me. You gotta believe in the butterflies.

VALERIE Okay, I do. Get back up here.

He floats up to her holding out his hand. Nervously, she takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are flying.

EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT

They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

VALERIE This is amazing.

They soar past some more buildings.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The preacher sense something. He looks to the sky, then holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can.

PREACHER The hellbeast is above us. He's invading our skies! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

VALERIE He's kind of ruining the mood.

NICKY Let me take care of that.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky.

PREACHER We're all gonna die!

A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off. A powerful blast of water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across the street into a plate glass window.

EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS

VALERIE Can we go fly over Central Park?

NICKY Next time. Tonight, I want to share the most beautiful thing I could possibly imagine.

EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT

They fly over it, away from NYC.

VALERIE We're going to Jersey?

NICKY East Rutherford.

EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT

They float high above the Meadowlands. There is an outdoor concert going on. OZZFEST. We hear the Ozz on stage in his encore. He is singing "Mr. Crowley." Nicky turns to Valerie.

NICKY I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy live until he was dead. (he looks at her) Please tell me you like metal.

VALERIE (sings along to song) "Mister Crowley, what's inside of your head..."

Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her.

NICKY My dog was right. I'm in love with you.

They slow dance tighter. The music swells. John and Peter look up from their seats far below. Nicky sees them while he's holding her tight. They give thumbs up.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING

Feeling great. Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down the street.

He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet. The KOREANS point and seem agitated by him. Nicky gives them a friendly wave.

NICKY (in Korean) Moo ya san jie bay!

The Koreans just glare. Nicky's confused.

MUSIC CUE:

A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the sequence.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following. Nicky looks back a little, unnerved. A TAXI screeches in front of him. The DRIVER gets out and goes after him.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their teacher and start chasing Nicky.

EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY

A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by. He thinks about going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a candy bar instead.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky. They point and start wheeling after him.

EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY

Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob.

NICKY What's going on here?

But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to catch up. They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a last second right turn into an alley. The wheelchairs can't slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the bottom of the street. The TOURIST on the top level look over the edge to see the crash.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

Nicky is panicking, out of breath.

Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there blocking the entrance. He's trapped. They start running right at him. He closes his eyes.

NICKY Release the evil.

Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD.

The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked out.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

Beefy and Todd are watching TV. They look over to see the insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one exhausted Nicky.

NICKY I seem to be in trouble, Beefy.

BEEFY The shit has hit the fan, kid. Take a look.

TODD Been breaking all morning.

ON THE TV - DAY

We see Dan Rather addressing the camera.

DAN RATHER At a news conference earlier today, Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave this beleaguered city its latest dose of bad news. He revealed that the man who caused a sensation at basketball arena last night is no hero... he is, in fact, a mass murderer.

We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics. He's holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Nicky's outraged.

NICKY I didn't murder anybody

BEEFY Look. You were really high. Things happen.

NICKY I was with Valerie, I swear. This is Adrian's work. I've got to find him.

BEEFY I think you're looking at him.

ON THE TV - DAY

We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese press to keep him warm.

CHIEF OF POLICE (on TV) This video shows what he did after he left the basketball arena yesterday...

ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY

Scarface shooting his AK-47. Nicky's face has been crudely superimposed over his.

GUY (Adrian's voice) My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all you suckers for no reason!

CUT TO FOOTAGE on "SCARFACE"

ON TV - DAY

The Chief shakes his head.

CHIEF OF POLICE Difficult to watch, I know. In response to this vicious crime, I am authorizing the largest reward in law enforcement history: fifty million dollars to the person or persons who bring this man to me.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Nicky stands outraged.

NICKY This is baloney!

BEEFY He superimposed your head onto "Scarface."

TODD ...which is by far DePalma's best work...

A LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

The pounding increases.

NICKY I'm not Nicky. I'm not home! I don't live here!

PETER Dude, it's us. Let us in.

Nicky opens the door. Peter and John stumble in.

JOHN There's like a total mob scene coming this way.

We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside.

NICKY I thought for sure I gave 'em the slip.

Todd i s looking out the window.

TODD Looks like they're following a giant trail of bug shit.

PETER What'll we do now, Beefy?

BEEFY I don't know, this is a little out of my league.

VOICES GROW LOUDER.

VOICES (O.S.) Come on. Let's get 'em.

JOHN What would your dad do, Nicky?

NICKY Good idea...kill me.

PETER Dude. Seriously?

NICKY Yes. I'll meet you at Grand Central at noon. Okay. Do me. I command you.

JOHN AND PETER (psyched) Alright!

John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen counter. Nicky is dazed.

NICKY That just hurt a lot.

TODD I've always wanted to kill someone. Can I do it?

JOHN Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd. John and Peter watch happily.

TODD Damn you, Kevin Spacey! You take all

               of my parts!

Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up. Pause. The hand drops back in. He's dead.

INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer. He's holding cards, looking at his hand.

LUCIFER Royal flush, you lose. Off with the bra.

The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip poker. The Gatekeeper takes off his bra. From behind, we see his breasts flop out.

LUCIFER (CONT'D) Last time I saw a pair of jugs that big, two hillbillies were blowing on them.

The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out. The Monster laughs uproariously. Nicky enters and moves to what's left of his dad. Arms, torso, and a head (with one ear).

NICKY Dad, Adrian's got the whole city after me. He's always a step ahead. What am I gonna do?

DAD What are you gonna do? Look at me, Nicky! I got no legs, I got no hips, I got one ear...

Dad's remaining ear falls out.

DAD (CONT'D) I got no ears!

JIMMY THE DEMON Now he has no ears! Are you happy, Nicky?

NICKY Uh, I'll do my best, Dad. Do you have any advice at all for me?

DAD I can't hear you, Nicky. I can't hear anything!

Jimmy picks up the ear. Jimmy speaks into it.

JIMMY THE DEMON Check one-two. Check one-two.

DAD Put it back on my head. I'm falling apart here.

JIMMY THE DEMON He's got 'til midnight tonight, Nicky. (putting ear back on Dad) You get your ass back up there. You save your father!

Nicky looks very upset.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

We see John and Peter enter frame. Looking very nervous.

PETER You sure you're down with this?

JOHN Little nervous. Wanna puke.

They approach the cops guarding the door.

JOHN (CONT'D) Looking for the chief.

PETER Hey, Fuzz. We know where to find Nicky.

COPS grab John & Peter and drag them inside.

INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY

Surrounded by prostitutes and criminals in a very hot room, the chief of police puts down his bottle of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, stands up and looks at the two idiots.

CHIEF OF POLICE You have what I want?

JOHN Sure do. You got what we want?

PETER Fifty million bones, bro.

He nods to a DEPUTY who gives them a briefcase of money.

CHIEF OF POLICE That's half of it. You get the rest when I get Nicky.

PETER Excellent. But I gotta warn you, man. He's not human.

CHIEF OF POLICE Really?

JOHN We think he's the son of Satan.

PAUSE. The chief LAUGHS, then everyone else does. He walks over and picks them up by their throats.

CHIEF OF POLICE Well, then I guess I'll have to be extra careful. Now where is he?

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

We see the BIG CLOCK on the wall. FIVE minutes til NOON. We see JOHN and PETER (with the briefcase) walking into GRAND CENTRAL with the chief and twenty-five NYC cops. The chief bumps into a filthy bag lady drinking out of paper sack.

BAG LADY Hey, watch it! Who do you think you are?

CHIEF OF POLICE (never stopping) Emperor of the New Hell.

They march through onto the platform for Track 33.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

We see Beefy and Todd waiting by the place where Nicky usually comes up. It is hot down there. Steam and smoke comes out of the tunnels. Todd is nervous.

TODD Where is he? He's late.

BEEFY He'll be here. Just keep your cool, kid.

They hear FOOTSTEPS. They turn and see the chief of police backed up by the huge police force.

BEEFY (CONT'D) We've been ratted out.

Beefy and Todd turn to see John and Peter looking sheepish.

TODD You guys. That was so uncool.

PETER We thought the son of Satan would understand a move like this.

Peter and John high-five.

CHIEF OF POLICE Okay, take these two outside. I can handle this.

The police grab Todd and put a leash on Beefy. The cops lead their prisoners away down the tunnel, leaving John and Peter alone with the chief.

CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D) Wanna see something cool?

The chief inserts a finger into his nostril. Then he fits his hand up there. Soon his whole arm is up his nostril as he searches for something. John and Peter are impressed. The chief grabs something and starts to pull. Then out of his nose comes Adrian, who fully forms as the shell of the chief's body slumps to the ground.

ADRIAN Ta-da. So what time is my brother expected back?

JOHN Noon...

They look at the clock. It's noon.

JOHN (CONT'D) ...ish.

Peter is sweating, kinda nervous.

PETER So even though you're not really the chief, we still get the rest of the cash, right bro?

ADRIAN You know what you'll get? An indescribably horrific torture administered by demons for the rest of eternity.

JOHN But what about the cash? Can we keep it or what?

ADRIAN Sure, why not?

They high five. Adrian smiles and waits. It is real hot down there. We hear a train coming in the distance. A fan circles slowly. They all wait for him.

LADY (mumbling to herself) Food stamps? They should call 'em "dude stamps." Cause ever time I get one, some dude takes it away...

We see the HOMELESS LADY down the platform stumbling her way towards them, drunk. Adrian scowls at her.

LADY (CONT'D) Hey, studs. I'll let you make out with me for a dollar!

JOHN No thanks...but we'll take that bottle of booze. (grabs the bottle, laughs)

LADY Hey...that's mine.

Peter pushes her away.

PETER Beat it, ya freak.

John and Peter high five and John swigs from the bag.

JOHN Schnapps...

PETER (takes the bag, swigs) Peppermint...alright.

Adrian raises his eyebrows. We see that the homeless lady is actually VALERIE in disguise. She looks back, tense. John offers Adrian the flask.

JOHN Wanna hit?

Hands it to him. He takes it.

PETER Drink up. Here's to fifty million clams.

ADRIAN To the defilement of Earth and the corruption of its people.

PETER Whatever. Knock it back, grab Nicky and let's get outta this hell-hole.

Adrian smiles at John, then raises the bag. He stops just before it hits his lips. He looks at John curiously.

ADRIAN It is awfully hot down here. How do you manage to stay so cool?

JOHN Weed lowers the body temperature. (stuttering) I read that...in, uh...er, science magazine.

Adrian stares at John. He raises the bag again.

ADRIAN This liquid will probably quench my thirst. Cool me off.

PETER Definitely.

JOHN And give you a good buzz.

ADRIAN Or maybe it will trap me inside for all eternity.

JOHN Uh. No it won't?

John starts to tremble a bit.

ADRIAN Oh, Nicky, I've missed you. Come on out and say hello...

JOHN Urr...uggg...errr...

ADRIAN (eyes getting red) I'm calling you out, brother...

Adrian is mentally pulling Nicky out of John. Nicky/John wages an epic battle with himself as Adrian smiles.

JOHN/NICKY Urrr...uggh... (as Nicky) Oww. Adrian, this is very painful.

Nicky comes flying out. John's body slumps to the floor next to the chief's. Adrian looks in the "Schnapps bottle" to see the flask wrapped in paper. He peeks inside.

ADRIAN Hello, Cassius.

CASSIUS (O.S.) All right. Let me out.

ADRIAN You know, New Hell really only needs one new Satan.

CASSIUS (O.S.) You mother...

Adrian hands Nicky the flask.

ADRIAN But Cassius could use some company for the rest of eternity. So get in the flask.

He puts the Flask in Nicky's hands.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - MOMENTS LATER

The police are escorting Beefy and Todd through the terminal. Beefy starts whining and stops. The cops look down. Beefy raises his leg.

COP Oh, he's gotta pee.

A thick, yellow smoke shoots out of Beefy, enveloping the group. Beefy escapes and bolts back down stairs.

TODD Run, Beefy! Run!

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS

Adrian stares down Nicky.

NICKY I won't drink. You can't make me.

Adrian looks over at Valerie. Suddenly she comes flying over to him. He grabs her by the throat.

We hear a train coming in the distance.

ADRIAN Of course I can. Drink or she dies. (Nicky is scared) Unlike you, she won't come back from where she's going.

NICKY Let her go.

ADRIAN I hear a train coming. Drink.

The train sound is coming CLOSER. Valerie looks at Nicky. Nicky raises the flash to drink.

VALERIE Don't do it.

NICKY I have to, Valerie.

We see Beefy skid to a stop, raise his leg and a full size archery arrow shoots out of his penis and tracks right into ADRIAN'S LEG.

ADRIAN Ahhh!

BEEFY Now that hurt the both of us.

Valerie is able to escape momentarily. Adrian reaches for her, grabbing her. They both spin and fall down onto the tracks. Right into the oncoming train.

NICKY Valerie!!!

Nicky leaps down onto the tracks, wrestles Valerie away from Adrian and tosses her off the tracks. Adrian looks at Nicky.

ADRIAN See you in Hell!

WHAMM! The train comes by, hitting both Adrian and Nicky.

INT. HELL GATES - CONTINUOUS

Adrian comes flying through the solid firefall into Hell. He looks around. Confused, there's no Nicky.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL FIELD - DAY

Nicky is lying in a huge field of tall, very green grass. He sits up, and feels his face to make sure it's all there.

Nicky looks around, alarmed. He seems to be in a mountain vale, maybe in the foothills of the Alps. It's gorgeous.

Off in the distance, floating in the air, is a giant birthday cake. Nicky stands up and the cottage seems to be floating down to him.

EXT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

The cake lands softly in front of him, the door ajar. After a moment's hesitation, Nicky goes in.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

Nicky enters the cake to find ANGEL and two friends: JENNA and CHRISTA. They are doing arts and crafts sort of things on a glass table in front of them. They stare at him. Angel rises.

ANGEL Oh. My. God. I can't believe you're here. Welcome. Can I just tell you, I am so excited right now.

CHRISTA So excited.

JENNA She really is.

NICKY That's terrific. Now could you ladies point me to the Black Palace? I should check in with my dad...

Nicky trails off as he sees the Angels laughing at him.

ANGEL I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

JENNA Do you have any idea where you are right now?

NICKY The home of eternal damnation, house of Hades, H.E. double toothpicks...

ANGEL Maybe try the opposite of that.

The Angel and two friends laugh and high-five. Nicky's confused.

ANGEL (CONT'D) Okay, can I just ask you something? What do you know about your mom?

NICKY My brothers told me my mother was a mountain goat. Which would explain my chronic halitosis.

ANGEL (annoyed) A mountain goat? That's really sweet.

NICKY My mom wasn't a goat?

ANGEL Try an angel.

NICKY An angel?

ANGEL Unh-huh. Which would make you half angel.

Nicky is floored.

NICKY Wow. What...what did she look like?

ANGEL Well, she was about six-three, only spoke Portuguese and had really long grey hair.

The GIRLS start laughing.

ANGEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry, I'm totally busting on you. I'm your mom.

Nicky is even more floored. FLASH. Jenna has taken a picture of Nicky.

JENNA I'm sorry, but you just had the sweetest look on your face.

CHRISTA You're gonna be so happy she did that.

NICKY (stunned) How come you're not older?

ANGEL Angels don't get any older, son.

JENNA I can't believe you just called him "son."

ANGEL Oh my God. This is so wild.

They laugh. Nicky is quite baffled.

INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

Dad is just a pair of lips, with ears on either side held up by two forearms with hands attached, lying on the throne. Gatekeeper, Lucifer, Jimmy and a few other demons stand around.

DAD I can't see shit. You're all still here, right?

Adrian enters. They all cheer.

JIMMY THE DEMON Adrian's here. You'll be back to normal in a jiffy, sir.

DAD LIPS Yea! I can't believe little Nicky came through.

ADRIAN Where's Nicky?

JIMMY THE DEMON He came with you and Cassius, right?

ADRIAN I came through that gate alone.

JIMMY THE DEMON Sorry, sir, false alarm.

DAD Boooo.

ADRIAN Somebody explain what's going on.

Puts the Gatekeeper in a headlock.

GATEKEEPER You'll get nothing out of me.

ADRIAN Perhaps a titty twister will loosen your lips.

He twists a breast. The Gatekeeper babbles out the information immediately.

GATEKEEPER The only way to save your dad is for you and your brothers to pass through the gates at the same time before he deteriorates completely.

ADRIAN How much time does Dad have before that happens?

Adrian twists hard.

GATEKEEPER Thirty minutes. And then whoever claims his throne will have unimaginable power.

Adrian throws him down.

LUCIFER All boobs and no balls.

ADRIAN Thirty minutes. Hmmm. I hope you don't mind if I take a seat while I wait for you.

He moves to the throne and throws the lips off.

DAD LIPS Ahhh!

He pushes Lucifer out of the way.

LUCIFER Even in Hell, I get no respect.

ADRIAN Ten thousand years. And I never once got to sit here.

He sits on the throne and it starts to shake a little. He grins as two horns grow out of his forehead.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) Wow. And this is just a little taste of my power.

The demons approach.

ADRIAN Ah-ah. Not so fast, demons. There are a couple of million evil souls on Earth ready to be harvested. Anyone interested?

The demons stop. Now loyal to Adrian. All except Jimmy.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

Everyone is sitting around drinking Diet Cokes.

There's a knock on the door. It opens and in comes Carl Weathers dressed as Chubbs from Happy Gilmore.

CHUBBS Holly, Jenna, Christa. Time for your Mambo lesson.

ANGEL Oh, Chubbs. I totally spaced. I'm so sorry. I have company. It's my son, Nicky. My son. Can you believe it?

CHUBBS Wow, that's terrific.

ANGEL Nicky, this is Chubbs. He used to be a golf pro, but up here he's the dopest dance instructor.

CHUBBS You mambo?

NICKY I don't think so.

CHUBBS Remember, it's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.

Chubbs dances as he leaves.

NICKY Where did you meet my father?

ANGEL It was a long time ago, at some Heaven and Hell mixer.

CHRISTA I remember that night, you had like four daiquiris.

ANGEL Try four and a half. At first I totally didn't like him.

JENNA He was really conceited.

ANGEL But I don't know, he was funny, he made me laugh, and I hate to say it but he had a really nice body.

NICKY And that made you want to make a baby with him?

The Angels laugh.

ANGEL Well, I really wasn't thinking about making a baby at the time!

Her cell-phone rings. She answers it.

ANGEL (CONT'D) Hello....yes, he's here with me now... I don't know if he's hot, he's my son, you perv! I'll call you back... (laughs) Oh my God, I will call you back, goodbye. (hangs up) That was my friend, Michelle, she says "hi."

NICKY Well tell her I said "hi" back.

Angel makes a motion towards the phone, then stops.

ANGEL I'll call her later.

CHRISTA You know, we saw you save your girlfriend's life.

JENNA That was so cool.

ANGEL That's why you came up to Heaven instead of Hell. Self-sacrifice automatically gets you here.

NICKY How did you see me?

ANGEL We can see what's going on anywhere on Earth. Look.

Angel and the girls clear the junk from the glass table in front of them. Angel touches the glass and it turns into a reflection of Earth below.

EXT. TIME'S SQUARE - NIGHT

People are rioting in the streets. Looting appliance stores...

ANGEL (O.S.) All these good people have totally been led astray.

CHRISTA (O.S.) Show him Central Park.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK LAWN - NIGHT

People are drinking and smoking and burning things.

Then suddenly we see the ground start to break up and Adrian on his throne start to be thrust upwards. Demons swarm around him.

ADRIAN Welcome to the party. It's so nice to see all of you here.

NICKY (O.S.) Hey, that's Dad's throne! How did Adrian get that? Is Dad okay?

ANGEL (O.S.) Let's see...

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAD LIPS are morosely talking to the Gatekeeper and Jimmy.

DAD LIPS I was a good Devil, wasn't I?

JIMMY THE DEMON You were the best Devil, boss, the best Devil!

GATEKEEPER Absolutely.

DAD LIPS I tried to do some interesting stuff...

JIMMY THE DEMON You did amazing stuff!

GATEKEEPER I don't know how you came up with some of it.

DAD LIPS Really? That means a lot to me.

JENNA (O.S.) Oh my God. He looks gross.

ANGEL (O.S.) I can't believe I did it with him.

She touches the pool again and the reflection changes to:

EXT. NEW HELL THRONE - NIGHT

Adrian steps off his throne onto a small stage flanked by SIX HERO DEMONS. He begins addressing the crowd.

ADRIAN I'm very proud of you. You've taken to sin with minimal prompting.

The crowd cheers.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) You're acting as if there is no Heaven or Hell.

The crowd cheers.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - NIGHT

We see John, Peter, Beefy, Valerie and Todd hanging on flagpoles by their underwear. Beefy is in a special fitted harness that looks like underwear.

ADRIAN Well, I have some news.

Adrian morphs into the Cardinal from earlier.

CARDINAL There is most definitely a Hell! And you're all going there when you die! Which will happen in about fifteen minutes.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

The BAD PEOPLE realize they've been tricked into being bad and they get scared. The Preacher, who is now more battered from his fall through the plate glass window (ask Steve), yells out.

PREACHER Holy shit! We really are gonna die!

This kicks off a frenzy of the Scared Bad People trying to run away. But they are stopped and herded back by DEMONS.

EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

PETER This don't look good.

JOHN Can't Beefy use his penis powers to get us out of this?

TODD They castrated him. He can't shoot arrows, he can't piss smoke.

BEEFY I can't screw. (whimpers) I can't screw.

Valerie's crying.

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Nicky is shocked.

NICKY Valerie's crying!

ANGEL She's so nice.

CHRISTA She goes to Parson's, right?

ANGEL I would totally love to go there. But I hear it's really hard to get in.

NICKY I gotta help her. I gotta help Dad. I gotta help everybody.

ANGEL Yeah, you do...

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Adrian is looking at a clock tower that reads 11:45.

ADRIAN (V.O.) At the stroke of midnight, my father will be completely deteriorated. And all of your souls will be mine.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

ADRIAN Soon you will see things more horrible than you can even imagine.

Adrian scans the crowd. He sees...

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

The Parsons STUDENT in the kimono dancing sexily. Adrian is thrown.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

ADRIAN Not that horrible, but still pretty bad.

Adrian motions to some of his guards. They nod.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) So while we wait, for your enjoyment, I bring you a dear sweet man and an international icon...Henry Winkler!

A frightened HENRY WINKLER is lead onto the stage prodded by two DEMONS.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

The scared bad people finally smile.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

ADRIAN Covered in bees!

We see Henry Winkler is suddenly covered head to in a swarm of bees.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

The crowd gasps.

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Nicky is starting to panic.

NICKY But how can I win? Adrian is stronger and smarter than me.

ANGEL Stronger, yes. Smarter, definitely. But you have something he doesn't have.

NICKY A speech impediment?

The girls laugh.

ANGEL No, you have the inner light. You can totally use it. It's the best power of all. (he smiles) And in case you get in real bad trouble, God told me to give you this.

She gives him an ornate, jewelled ball.

NICKY What is it?

ANGEL I'm not a hundred percent on that. God said when the time comes, you'll know what to do.

CHRISTA God's so smart.

JENNA Like, Jeopardy smart!

ANGEL Well, goodbye...for now. (looks at his face) Can I just do this?

She licks her finger and wipes some dirt off his forehead.

ANGEL (CONT'D) That was such a Mom thing, wasn't it?

FRIEND Totally.

NICKY Well, nice meeting you, Jenna, Christa. (to Angel) Would it be okay if I called you Mommy?

ANGEL It would be so okay.

Nicky hugs his Mom.

NICKY Well, Mommy, get me to the big apple cause I'm gonna rock that town like a hurricane.

ANGEL (O.S.) You're already there...

EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND SHORE - NIGHT

Nicky dissolves into walking. He checks his pocket to see the ball. He looks up to see fifteen Demons marching towards him, ready to attack. Nicky closes his eyes and concentrates.

NICKY Release...the good.

When he opens them, BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES are floating around the head of five of the DEMONS. They stop approaching. THEIR EYES TURN FROM WHITE BACK TO NORMAL. And their facial expression changes to happiness. They wave at the butterflies.

ANGLE ON

MORE DEMONS keep closing.

NICKY (CONT'D) Release the good...

Five more are stopped by something. They look down and see fluffy white BUNNY RABBITS at their feet. They start petting them.

The REMAINING DEMONS advance on Nicky.

NICKY (CONT'D) Release the awesome.

...then stop, their path blocked by a very large bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN. The Demons consider the bucket of chicken. One Demon takes out a piece.

NICKY (CONT'D) Put it in your mouth and let it slide down your throat-hole.

The Demon bites into it. He can't help but grin a little.

DEMON Popeye's chicken is the shiznit!

The OTHER SOULS dig into the bucket.

EXT. CLOCK TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Only ten minutes left.


EXT. CENTRAL PARK PATH - NIGHT

Nicky leads his small army of reformed Demons (followed by butterflies & bunnies and carrying the chicken bucket) down the path toward the rally. We see they have a golden light/haze of good around them.

EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

Adrian is underneath Valerie.

ADRIAN You know, from this angle, you're kind of cute.

VALERIE You think so? Why don't you come a little closer and I'll show you a better angle.

He moves a little closer, and she spits on him. He smiles. Opens his mouth and catches her spit. He swallows.

ADRIAN Yummy.

Everyone is grossed out.

TODD Oh my God, he just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit.

BEEFY That turn you on there, RuPaul?

ADRIAN Keep it up and I just might make you my Queen for a night or two.

JOHN You want a queen? Got one right here.

John points at Todd. They laugh. Adrian gets closer to Valerie. Just then a big butterfly appears on his shoulder. He looks down to see:

Nicky standing there with his army.

ADRIAN (O.S.) Little Nicky.

NICKY Adrian, I'm asking you nicely, in the name of all that is good: release my friends and get in the flask.

ADRIAN Is this a joke?

NICKY No. It's the inner light. And with it we can defeat anything you've got.

REFORMED DEMON (eating Popeye's chicken) It's true!

Adrian glares down at the REFORMED DEMON. His eyes shoot out an evil ray.

The Reformed Demon explodes into a million pieces. His golden insides splatter on the crowd.

The Army of Good is shaken. Another Demon lowers his chicken.

ANOTHER REFORMED DEMON It's not true!

The BUCKET OF CHICKEN sprouts legs and runs away. Nicky steps forward bravely.

NICKY Okay, Adrian, you've left me with no choice.

Nicky leaves frame and he flies up towards Adrian.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

Nicky lands on both feet standing before Adrian.

NICKY Love lifts me up where I belong.

ANGLE ON

Crowd reacts.

ON HELL STAGE

Demons are ready to attack. Adrian waves them off.

ADRIAN Not bad, little brother. Let's see what you've got.

Nicky thinks, holds out his hands. A rainbow shoots out onto the stage between them. PAUSE. We see that a cute little chipmunk is standing on it's hindlegs eating a nut.

ON CROWD

The army of good and scared bad people applaud as they see this.

BACK ON HELL STAGE

Adrian nods, holds out his arms and a red stream shoots out. He has made a terrible PYTHON that comes over and eats the baffled chipmunk in one bite.

Nicky raises his hand and: turns the snake into a row of flowers.

Adrian raises his hand and a crazed MEXICAN GARDNER with a lawn mower comes by and mows them down.

Nicky turns the Gardner and his lawn mower into a MOTHER pushing a NEW BORN BABY in a carriage.

Adrian turns the baby in the carriage into an EVIL DWARF who leaps out and starts beating up on the mother.

Nicky turns the Mother into a HOT GIRL DWARF. The evil Dwarf stops beating her up and holds her hand.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) Enough. I'm going to kill you with my bare hands.

Adrian punches Nicky hard in the jaw. He goes flying off the platform.

Nicky's body falls towards the ground. It's about to hit, when a soft bed of posts and fluffy pillows break his fall.

INT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS

We now see Angel, Jenna, Christa and SEVEN OTHER GIRLS watching the action on the table.

ANGEL I totally had to do that.

ALL THE GIRLS Yah you did.

CHUBBS is there, too.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

Nicky looks up to see Adrian flying down towards him. Nicky rolls away at the last second. Adrian hits the bed hard and bounces up. Nicky grabs him mid-bounce and slams him back down into the golden/brass headboard of the bed. Nicky holds out the flask.

NICKY Now I'm asking you nicely, get in the flas...

Adrian grabs a pillow and hits Nicky hard in the face, sending him flying off the bed.

NICKY (CONT'D) Oh, you wanna a pillow fight, do you?!

Nicky is an expert pillow fighter. He lands a series of awesome, almost Matrix-like pillow moves. Adrian is dazed.

Nicky finishes him off by tossing the pillow high in the air to him. Adrian looks up to catch it and just before it lands, Nicky steps up and pops him in the face. Adrian goes down hard. Nicky towers over him.

NICKY (CONT'D) Now will you get in the flask?

ADRIAN Absolutely not.

Adrian turns to his demons.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) A little help over here.

A bunch of Demons advance.

ON FLAGPOLE

We see Henry Winkler, swollen with bee stings, valiantly run over and lowers the five from the flagpoles.

ON ADRIAN

He looks up and glares at Henry.

ADRIAN (CONT'D) Henry!

ON FLAGPOLE

Henry's eyes widen.

HENRY WINKLER Oh no.

He is covered in bees again.

BACK ON ADRIAN

He turns his attention back to Nicky who is grabbed by demons. Adrian brings the flask to his lips, but he won't open his mouth.

Adrian pinches Nicky's nose closed so he has to open his mouth.

ADRIAN Goodbye, Nicky.

We hear CASSIUS banging against the walls.

CASSIUS (O.S.) Come on in, bro.

Nicky can't hold his breath and opens his mouth. Adrian jams the flask in his mouth and Nicky starts to get sucked in. Adrian smiles. But just before Nicky is gone, he manages to grab Adrian's coat tail and yank him into the flask with him.

As the flask hits the ground, we HEAR:

CASSIUS (O.S.) (CONT'D) Thank you, Nicky. Cause now I'm gonna bust Adrian's head wide open.

ADRIAN (O.S.) I was going to let you out, eventually, Cassius. I swear.

NICKY (O.S.) Sole ruler of Hell and Earth is what I heard him keep saying.

We HEAR the sounds of a struggle.

All the Demons and all the people of NEW YORK form a large circle around the flask. Valerie and the gang make it down off the stage.

We HEAR crazy sounds as the FLASK starts to jump. The crowd REACTS. A big dent pops out from the inside, followed by a horrible thud.

VALERIE Nicky!

NICKY (O.S.) That was Cassius!

The FLASK starts rolling over and over on the road. People get out of the way as if it were real people fighting in the street. They root for their side.

DEMON Kill him, Adrian.

John and Peter start beating up the Demon.

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

The Angel and the Friend are praying.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

We HEAR banging and beating and yelling from inside and then the flask stops bouncing. SILENCE. Everybody outside holds their breath. Slowly out of the spout crawls NICKY.

HOORAY. Valerie, John, Todd and Beefy and all the living people CHEER. The student, very happy, opens his kimono. The people and demons near him are grossed out.

Valerie goes tot he very beaten up Nicky and hugs him.

VALERIE Where'd a sweet Southern boy learn to fight like that?

NICKY From my dad's side of the family.

She laughs and kisses him on the mouth. The crowd CHEERS. But Nicky won't stop kissing her. She starts to struggle for air. Nicky presses harder and starts to laugh.

The crowd stops CHEERING. Valerie is waving her arms for help. Nicky turns into Adrian during the kiss. Adrian lets her go. And we hear ADRIAN'S familiar laugh.

ADRIAN What? No tongue?

Adrian pulls his head back, his tongue is huge and he turns into a GIANT BAT. He lets out a huge roar, then flies around, laughing, scaring people.

Valerie runs over and picks up the flask. She looks inside.

VALERIE (whispering) Nicky. Nicky.

No response.

VALERIE (CONT'D) You gotta fly out...I know you can do it. (still no response) Do it for the butterflies.

A long beat, then:

NICKY (O.S.) Butterflies...

And Nicky shoots right out of the top of the flask and lands on his feet. Adrian lands and stares down Nicky. The clock is one minute from midnight.

Adrian swoops down. Nicky thinks quick and pulls out the BALL his Mom gave him and smashes it on the ground. Out of it forms metal G-d: OZZY OSBORNE.

OZZY Hello, New York.

JOHN AND PETER Ozzy.

They faint.

The Bat's eyes go wide in fear. Ozzy grabs the bat, his mouth grows big, and he bites the bat's head off. Valerie hands Ozzy the flask.

VALERIE Put him in, Ozzy.

Ozzy spits the bat head into the flask.

EXT. CLOCK TOWER

The clock reads: 00:23 seconds left.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dad is just a very thin pair of lips and one finger. The FINGER is going up and down on the lips, making silly sounds. The Gatekeeper, the Monster, Jimmy the Demon and Lucifer are on their backs crying like babies.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

VALERIE Grand Central, Nicky. Start running.

JOHN He'll never make it.

PETER You gotta kill yourself.

NICKY I'll just go to Heaven.

BEEFY No if you do something bad right before you die.

PAUSE. Everyone looks around. Nicky spots Henry Winkler.

HENRY WINKLER Aw, man, not again.

NICKY Sorry, Henry. (focuses) Release the Evil.

Henry is covered in bees once again.

ON NICKY AND VALERIE

Nicky picks up a big rock and hands it to Valerie.

NICKY (CONT'D) Do me.

VALERIE I love you.

NICKY I love you.

Valerie smashes the rock on Nicky's head, killing him.

ON CLOCK TOWER

Six seconds left.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The lips and finger are slowing down.

INT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

Nicky triumphantly passes through the wall of fire and it starts burning again behind him. And now all the BACKED UP SOULS fall out on top of Nicky.

The Gatekeeper APPLAUDS.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

The STAGE, the DEMONS and everything that raised from Hell now descends quickly into the ground.

INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Dad's lips form a body around it. Dad FILLS IN.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

The good people of New York cheer. We see John, Peter, Todd, Valerie, Beefy and the Student, who of course is dancing seductively.

EXT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Angel is so proud.

ANGEL Okay, you just saw my son save the universe. Right?!

Everyone cheers.

INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

Dad and Nicky are hugging.

DAD You came through, Nicky.

NICKY I came through for you, Mom and the butterflies, Dad.

DAD You're back in Hell now, kid. There's no butterflies here. If you want butterflies, you need to be on Earth.

NICKY What about you and Grandpa and everyone in Hell?

DAD Nicky, I let my butterflies die once upon a time and it's never stopped hurting. (Dad looks up) That's right, you heard me, Holly. I'm still in love with you.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

Angel is shocked.

ANGEL Oh my G-d. He's totally talking about me.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAD And don't think I forgot about how crazy you get after a few daiquiris.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

FRIEND That guy is still a horn dog.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dad turns to Nicky.

DAD Listen, I got down low. Your mom's got up high. You take care of the middle.

NICKY I will, Dad. But in the words of Motley Crue, this will always be my...home sweet home...

He pats him on the back.

JIMMY THE DEMON Sorry to interrupt guys, but it's time for Hitler's punishment.

LUCIFER Let me handle that.

Lucifer walks over to the closet.

LUCIFER (CONT'D) And I'm not using a pineapple this time.

He pulls out the flask.

ADRIAN (O.S.) No!

CASSIUS (O.S.) Don't do it!

He shoves the flask up Hitler's ass. Hitler's face tightens.

HITLER Holy Schnit!

FREEZE FRAME, then:

DISSOLVE TO:

ONE YEAR LATER

Over the skyline of Manhattan.

EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK WEST

PAN UP from a moving baby stroller to reveal Nicky and Valerie both pushing it. We see Beefy walking with them. Unbelievably happy.

A nice OLD LADY bends down to the stroller.

LADY Oh...what an uncommonly beautiful baby.

VALERIE Thank yo.

LADY Such a little angel.

BEEFY Only a quarter, ma'am.

She tickles the baby. It giggles and a small stream of fire shoots out of his mouth and singes the Old Lady's eyebrows.

NICKY Zachariah, say you're sorry.

BABY ZACHARIAH (sounds like Nicky) Sorry.

The Lady scurries away. Nicky and Valerie laugh and continue walking in absolute bliss. They pass the Preacher who runs towards us.

PREACHER He has spilled his seed! He is multiplying! Beware the progeny of the unholy union! We're all gonna die!

The Preacher runs straight into the camera. BLACK.

THE END.