We see footage of Hannah Montana performing This Is The Life, live in concert.
ONSCREEN HANNAH (singing) This is the life, hold on tight. And this is the dream.
ANNOUNCER Fourteen-year-old sensation Hannah Montana continues her smash tour with another sold-out show tomorrow tonight in Los Angeles.
ONSCREEN HANNAH (continuing) I’m gonna take my time, yeah. I’m still getting it right.
Cuts to the Stewart House, in the living room. Robby Ray and Miley (dressed as Hannah) finish the last line of the song while Fermine works on the dress Hannah’s wearing. Jackson paces in the background, the phone glued to his ear.
ROBBY RAY / HANNAH (singing) This is the life.
ROBBY RAY Did you hear that? Sold out in Los Angeles. Whoo!
Robby Ray gives Hannah a high-five. Fermine, who still has a needle in the dress, gets poked in the process.
FERMINE Ow, ow. Needle in finger. Sharp shooting pain.
HANNAH Oh, I’m sorry, Fermine.
Robby Ray walks past them into the kitchen, sits down on a stool.
FERMINE Is okay, I kiss it. (kisses his finger) All better. Alright. Oh, look at you, you look gorgeous. You’re gonna look beautiful in your finale. Do it with me, come on now. (Hannah follows Fermine’s lead) Work it out, work it out, and pop it! (fabric tears) Oh!
FERMINE Tushy tear. Awkward moment, time to go. Don’t look at my booty!
Fermine heads for the door.
ROBBY RAY Uh, no danger there, partner.
FERMINE (leaving through the front door) I love you, Hannah Montana!
Hannah waves goodbye as Jackson comes up to her.
JACKSON (hand covering the phone receiver) Do you mind? I am on the phone here, all right? I got a life too, you know. And I would appreciate it if I could have one conversation without hearing the words, Hannah Montana. (puts the phone back up to his ear) Yeah, that’s right, girl, I know Hannah Montana. And I got two incredible tickets for tomorrow night. Great. Well, see you then. (hangs up, then to Miley) I need two incredible seats for tomorrow night.
HANNAH Sorry, I’m sold out.
ROBBY RAY Hey, think about it this way, Miley. He goes out with the girl, they fall in love, they get married, he moves out.
HANNAH (gives a thumbs-up) You’ve got the tickets. (the phone rings, and she punches the speaker button) Hello?
LILLY (V/O) Hey, it’s me, landing in 20 seconds!
HANNAH Great! Lilly alert in 18 seconds! (takes of the Hannah wig and tosses it to Robby Ray)
JACKSON (throwing her coat over her) She’s your best friend, Miley. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to tell her you’re Hannah Montana.
MILEY (darting toward the kitchen) I pick later!
ROBBY RAY Nine seconds. Get the juice!
Jackson kicks the sewing basket out of the way.
MILEY (heading for the fridge) Got it!
ROBBY RAY Good.
ROBBY RAY Three….
JACKSON (opening the front door) Two….
MILEY (closing the fridge) One!
LILLY (zooming in on her skateboard) Guess who just landed two tickets to the hottest concert in town? (stops in front of Miley) Miley, you and I, I being your best friend, are going to see the one, the only, Hannah Montana! Whoo! You’re not screaming. Why aren’t you screaming?
JACKSON (sitting over on the steps with Robby Ray) Oh, believe me, she’s screaming on the inside.
Lilly gives one last whoop to a horrified-looking Miley.
Miley and Lilly make their way to the condiment island in the Seaview Middle School cafeteria during lunch.
LILLY I just don’t get it, why won’t you go to the concert with me?
MILEY It’s just that, um…I really want to spend some quality time with my brother.
LILLY Quality time with your brother? (Miley nods) Okay, if you don’t want to tell me, I guess there’s nothing I can do except, go through life wondering what I did to deserve being hurt so badly by my –
MILEY Oh, just stop. I just can’t go, okay?
LILLY Okay. That’s fine.
JOHNNY (walking over) Hey, Miley. How’s it going?
Miley stares off into space but is jolted back to reality by a punch from Lilly.
MILEY Um, pretty good! Just getting some ketchup for my veggie burger. I see you like mayonnaise. Never tried that on a veggie burger! And maybe I should, but, not today because then the ketchup would go all over the –
LILLY (simultaneously) Miley. Miley. Miley. Miley!
Miley stops to realize she’s gone a little overboard on squirting ketchup, and her hand is now covered with the red stuff. Johnny just stares.
MILEY You know, what a lot of people don’t know is-is…(thinking)…it’s also a wonderful moisturizer.
Miley grabs Johnny’s hand and smoothes some ketchup over it.
MILEY Here. Isn’t that lovely?
JOHNNY Moisturizer? You’re pretty funny.
A disappointed watches as Johnny stares at his hand in newfound amazement.
JOHNNY Oh, my hand does feel softer….
LILLY (staring after Johnny) Wow.
MILEY (wiping off the ketchup) I know. He is so hot, and I’m so lame!
LILLY Hey, he’s the one that believed ketchup was a moisturizer. (Miley gives her a look) Miley, you’ve been totally crushing on Johnny Collins for months! He thought you were funny. This is your chance, he’s sitting right there (points to him), let’s move!
MILEY I just can’t do it.
LILLY (sighing) Yes you can. Miley, you’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re totally cute. And now, (removes her bracelet from her wrist) you have my lucky bracelet. (puts it on Miley’s)
MILEY (nodding) Okay.
LILLY Wait! Booger check.
MILEY (tilting her head upward) You are so gross!
LILLY All clear, good to go!
Miley and Lilly walk over to where Johnny’s sitting with his friends and pull out two chairs.
JOHNNY (talking to a buddy) Seriously, dude, it really does soften your skin.
Before Miley and Lilly can sit down, Amber and Ashley dash over and steal their seats.
AMBER (sitting right next to Johnny) Hi, Johnny.
Johnny looks to Amber and smiles politely. Miley stares in disbelief, while Lilly eyes the both of them.
LILLY (feigning sweetness) Hey, Amber, Ashley. (Amber and Ashley look) We were gonna sit there!
AMBER (rolling her eyes) Well, isn’t that just too bad.
ASHLEY Oh, but don’t worry. There are seats over there by the trash cans. (she points, then together with Amber) At the Losers Table. Ooh! (they touch fingers, mimicking a sizzle)
Lilly rolls her eyes in disgust.
MILEY Um, hey, Amber? I think it might be time to pluck the stash. (motioning to her face)
LILLY And Ashley…(peering closer)…is that a zit or are you growing a new head?
Amber and Ashley stare in confusion.
MILEY / LILLY (moving their faces closer, squinting) Gross! Ooh! (copying Amber and Ashley’s signature sizzle)
Amber and Ashley self-consciously take out their hand mirrors, as Miley and Lilly leave to sit at an empty table.
LILLY Okay, we didn’t get those seats. Minor set-back. But the good news is we have better seats for Hannah Montana!
MILEY I’m sorry, it’s just that…(thinking)…I don’t like Hannah Montana.
LILLY (glares) What?
Oliver enters the cafeteria, passing a couple girls.
OLIVER Hi, baby, how you doing? (passes Amber and Ashley’s table) Oliver Oken, and may I say, you two – are smokin’!
AMBER Ugh, in your dreams.
OLIVER I’m counting on that. (passes another table occupied by one girl – he steals a fry) Hey, slick. (walks past yet another girl) Hey….(she looks away in disgust, Oliver is unfazed) Oh, yeah. She wants me. (he finally sits down at Miley and Lilly’s table)
LILLY Oliver, you’re not going to believe this. Miley says she doesn’t like Hannah Montana!
OLIVER (eyes wide, standing up) What? (Miley looks at him, he sits back down) Hannah Montana is a goddess! I worship at her feet! In fact, FYI – someday I’m going to be Mr. Hannah Montana. (Miley raises her eyebrows) I’m gonna watch over her every minute of the day…protect her from any obsessed fans…every night, I’ll shampoo and condition that beautiful, blonde hair.
MILEY Oliver, I say this because I care about you. (raising her voice) Get some help!
LILLY Miley, don’t make me go see my favorite singer without my best friend. If you don’t take this ticket, I’m going to end up going to the concert with Mr. Hannah Montana. (points at Oliver)
OLIVER (standing again) You have an extra ticket to Hannah Montana! (the entire cafeteria turns in their direction – he sinks low in his chair) That was really loud, wasn’t it?
They disappear from view as their table is swarmed by rabid Hannah Montana fans.
Back at the Stewart house, Jackson comes down the stairs and enters the kitchen.
JACKSON Hey, Dad? (Robby Ray looks up) I’m really nervous about my date, and well, I’m just gonna say this. There is nobody in the world whose advice I trust and respect more than you.
ROBBY RAY Son, I’m not loaning you money. (pats him on the back)
JACKSON What…? Is-is that what you think this is about? Dad, I-I, I, I am hurt. (Robby looks at him) This has nothing to do with borrowing money from you. I was actually kind of hoping more for an outright gift.
ROBBY RAY I gave you the gift of life, son. Don’t push it.
A frazzled and disheveled-looking Miley walks in the front door.
ROBBY RAY (moving toward her) Honey, what happened?
MILEY (throws her backpack on the couch) Hannah Montana happened.
ROBBY RAY You mean the kids at school found out?
MILEY No. (she sits next to him on the stairs) This was just about a ticket to see Hannah Montana. What if they found out I was Hannah Montana. No one would treat me the same.
ROBBY RAY I bet Lilly would.
MILEY Are you kidding? She’s Hannah’s biggest fan. If she knew the truth…I’d never be just Miley again.
ROBBY RAY Oh, baby doll….
MILEY (standing) I’m taking a walk on the beach.
ROBBY RAY Now, hold on just a minute. (she waits) First, let’s get this french fry out of your hair before the seagulls attack you. (he starts untangling the fry) Boy, that sucker is in there too. Second of all, I know you’re concerned that if Lilly finds out the truth that she won’t treat you the same, but she’s still your best bud. You need to trust that. At least think about telling her?
MILEY (pretends to nod thoughtfully) Okay. Not gonna happen. (she walks out the side door)
JACKSON (moving closer) Dad, I can only hope that when I’m a father, I can give my children –
ROBBY RAY No money!
JACKSON Didn’t think so. (takes the fry, eats it)
Hannah Montana performs This Is The Life live at the Los Angeles stadium in front of a whooping and excited audience.
HANNAH (singing) This is the life, hold on tight. And this is the dream, it’s all I need. You never know where you’ll find it. And I’m gonna take my time, yeah. I’m still getting it right. This is the life. (audience cheers) Thank you, Los Angeles!
Outside Hannah Montana’s hotel room, she stands before a long line of fans, writing her name on the forehead of the girl at the front. Robby Ray stands behind her as bodyguard, wearing a hat, sunglasses, and mustache as his disguise.
HANNAH Hannah Mon-tan-a…. There you go!
FAN Thank you…!
HANNAH (seeing Johnny next in line) Hey, Jo-just another fan!
JOHNNY Hi. Um…could you sign this to Johnny? It’s not me, it’s my little brother. He really likes you. N-not that I don’t, I do, but, you know, he wanted me to get it, so I’m getting it. So, yeah, if you could just sign that to…Johnny. My little brother.
HANNAH (finishes autograph) There you go.
HANNAH Hey, really soft hands.
JOHNNY Thanks, it’s ketchup. (pauses) Bye.
ROBBY RAY (stepping forward) Thanks guys, be sure and pick up a record and T-shirt in the lobby. (closes the door behind them)
HANNAH He is so cute!
ROBBY RAY Honey, at your age, there’s only two things that are cute – squirrels and little puppy dogs. Hoo! I tell you what, I hate wearing this thing. (tears off the mustache) It’s like kissing your Great Aunt Clara. (they both shiver) Hey, great show tonight. I’ll go check on the limo. Your mama would have been so proud of you.
HANNAH Thanks, Dad.
Robby Ray leaves the room, and Hannah enters the bathroom, closing the door behind her. We see the window slide open – revealing Lilly outside.
LILLY Higher, Oliver, I’m almost in!
OLIVER There is no higher. You’re already standing on my head!
LILLY Jump, you idiot, jump!
Oliver gives a little jump, and Lilly hoists herself up the windowsill. She grabs the chandelier and swings into the room.
LILLY Not good! (knocking over a vase) Oops. (jumps to the floor) And she sticks the landing! (runs to the table of food, grabs a hot dog) Hannah Montana’s hot dogs! (eyes moving across the room, she grabs the nearby scarf) Hannah Montana’s scarf!
Lilly rummages in dresser drawers with her back turned. Hannah comes out of the bathroom, towel in hand.
LILLY (turning around) HANNAH MONTANA!
Hannah stops, throws her hands over her face as they both screech.
HANNAH Whoever you are, you have to get out of her right now, or I’m calling security!
LILLY Wait, wait, no, I’m sorry! I was just looking for a souvenir. My name’s Lilly Truscott, and I’m a HUGE fan.
Hannah stops at the food table, looks at the pie. Lilly watches in shock, as she picks up the pie – and slaps it against her face.
LILLY Did you just shove pie in your face?
HANNAH (bringing the towel to her face) It’s not a real pie. It’s, um…a foamy facial wash…pie. (moving behind the clothing rack)
LILLY (following) What’s wrong with your voice?
HANNAH Um, that happens after every concert. (moving the rack)
LILLY (spreading clothes apart) You give so much. I just wish Miley were here.
HANNAH (hidden behind the moving rack) Uh, Miley, who’s Miley? I don’t know Miley, that’s a strange name.
LILLY (trying to catch a glimpse) Oh, she’s my best friend.
HANNAH (stops, shoves clothing to opposite sides) Right! (dashes out, opens the door) Well, then, why don’t you go get her?
LILLY Great idea, I’ll call her.
HANNAH (shuts the door) No! You know, cell phones don’t really work in here, it has to do with the walls and the cement, and….
The Hannah phone rings.
HANNAH Okay…they must have fixed it.
LILLY (looking at the phone) Aren’t you gonna get that?
HANNAH Uh-uh, no, I’m talking to you, that would be rude.
Lilly still has her phone glued to her ear, clueless. Hannah’s cell continues to ring.
HANNAH (slamming Lilly’s cell shut) Okay, she’s not home.
Hannah’s cell stops ringing.
LILLY Woah, that was weird.
HANNAH Uh, why don’t I just get you an autograph for her.
OLIVER (V/O) What about me?
Hannah looks toward the window to see Oliver’s hand clinging to the sill.
OLIVER (climbing up) I’m the one who loves you! (seeing Hannah’s pie-stained face) You’re much paler in person.
HANNAH Yeah, I am, you know what - gosh, it was really fun meeting you guys, but I really gotta go.
OLIVER Wait! (Hannah and Lilly turn) Can’t I at least shampoo and condition your beautiful blonde hair?
HANNAH No! (rushes to the window) But you can take this towel! (tosses it to him)
OLIVER Hannah Montana’s towel…. (yells as he slips and falls to the ground below)
OLIVER It’s okay! None of my blood got on the towel!
Hannah opens the door for Lilly.
LILLY Well, I guess I’m leaving too….
HANNAH (motions out the door) Okay….
LILLY Without even a towel as a souvenir….
LILLY Nothing but my memories… (sighs) which will fade too, too quickly….
HANNAH Alright, alright! (picks up her scarf) Here.
LILLY Oh, my, gosh…! The actual scarf you wore on the actual stage! I can’t believe it, this is so – (stops, looks at Hannah’s arm) Hey, I have a lucky bracelet just like that! I loaned it to my best friend yesterday, ‘course, mine says, “Lilly” on the back – (stops again) Just like that.
Lilly looks at Hannah’s face, smears away the pie cream.
Miley (still dressed as Hannah) and Lilly sit on the couch in the hotel room.
HANNAH Lilly, I know you’re upset I didn’t tell you. But you cannot just freeze me out like this. Please talk to me.
LILLY I thought we were friends. I thought we told each other everything. But I guess I was wrong, since you kept just about the biggest secret in the world, Miley Stewart-SLASH-Hannah Montana!
HANNAH Okay, well, other than that, did you enjoy the concert?
Cuts to Jackson walking a lady-friend down the hallway.
JACKSON That’s right, I happen to be real tight with Hannah Montana. (opens the room door) Hey, Hannah, thought my lady here could use a little souvenir.
HANNAH (throws a toilet paper roll at him) Jackson, get out of here!
JACKSON (catching the toilet paper, hands it to his girl) For you. Told you we were tight. (sends Miley a glare before leaving)
LILLY (getting up) I am so out of here.
HANNAH (chasing her out) Lilly, please, wait! (they stop outside the room)
HANNAH I wanted to tell you. It’s just that…I was afraid.
LILLY Afraid of what?
HANNAH I don’t know, I thought, maybe once you knew, you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. And, you’d like Hannah Montana more than you like me.
LILLY That’s what you thought? That could never happen, Miley, don’t you know that?
HANNAH Yeah. I do. Okay! No more secrets. And to prove it, I’m going to show you something I’ve never shown to any other friend.
At the Stewart house, Miley leads Lilly toward her bedroom closet.
MILEY Wait ‘till you see this! (opens her closet door, bringing Lilly inside)
LILLY Why am I standing in your closet?
MILEY Because behind my closet is…. (pushes aside the clothes on the rack)
MILEY My closet! (opens the door behind)
Lilly stares in amazement at the huge walk-in closet before them, filled with all kinds of elaborate shoes and dresses.
LILLY It’s like a dream…a beautiful, beautiful dream! (spots a pair of boots, rushes over, and picks them up) Okay, dream’s over. I’ve got to have these!
MILEY Wait, there’s more!
LILLY Another closet?
Miley presses a button, and a rack of shoes emerges fully from the wall.
LILLY What size shoe do you wear?
MILEY I’m a 5.
LILLY I’m a 6, but I’ll squeeze! (grinning at Miley) Wait ‘till Amber and Ashley find out.
LILLY Well, we have to tell them. Here’s my cell. (hands her the phone, then jumps up to the clothing carousel and holds a dress in front of her) Take a picture of me in Hannah Montana’s clothes!
MILEY No! No one else can see this stuff.
LILLY Are you crazy, why not?
MILEY Once people know I’m Hannah, they won’t treat me the same.
LILLY That’s the point. I’m talking mega-popularity here for both of us! Think about Johnny Collins. He’d be yours if he knew.
LILLY How can you be so selfish? Whoa! (she accidentally pushes the button, and the clothing rack starts turning) If you were really my best friend, you’d want this for me!
MILEY If you were my best friend, you’d understand why I can’t do it.
LILLY Come on, cut me some slack, Hannah.
MILEY “Hannah?” I knew this would happen! (stomping down to sit on the stairs)
LILLY Did I say Hannah? I didn’t mean that. It was a mistake.
MILEY No, the mistake was trusting you.
Jackson is with Robby Ray in the kitchen, while he makes himself an ice cream sundae.
JACKSON That girl tonight really dug me, Dad. I think it was the guns. (flexing his arms)
An angry Lilly comes down the stairs.
ROBBY RAY Hey, Lilly. I think things are going to be a whole lot better around here, now that you know our little secret.
Lilly slams the back door on her way out.
JACKSON Did you see the way she ignored you? I’m sorry, but that is no way to treat a man of your compassion, sensitivity –
Robby Ray squirts a gob of whipped cream in his mouth.
JACKSON (mouthful of whipped cream) Still no money?
Miley stomps in, takes Robby Ray’s bowl of ice cream.
MILEY (mashing into the bowl with a spoon) I am so mad!
ROBBY RAY So you’re gonna take it out on my ice cream sundae? You wanna talk about it?
ROBBY RAY Okay.
Robby Ray and Jackson burst into a song parody of Bad To The Bone.
ROBBY RAY You had a fight (na-na-na-na)
She left your place (na-na-na-na)
And now you sit and stuff your face
You got the processed-sugar blues
MILEY Stop! That’s the worst song you’ve ever written!
JACKSON She obviously doesn’t remember the potty-training song.
ROBBY RAY I like to sing
I like to dance
ROBBY RAY / JACKSON But I can’t do it with poopy in my pants
MILEY Dad! This is so not funny. Everything I was afraid that would happen, happened. She found out who I was, and now it’s ruined everything.
ROBBY RAY You don’t know that for sure, Mile. Things could change. Just give it some time. Group hug. (holds arms out)
MILEY / JACKSON Gotta go. (they both leave, Robby Ray squirting a gob of whipped cream into his mouth)
Next day in the Stewart living room, Fermine watches as Jackson models a new Hannah outfit for him.
JACKSON (turns) I don’t know. I think it makes me look a little big around the hips.
FERMINE Please, let’s not blame the dress.
Miley and Robby Ray come through the front door, arms full of groceries.
MILEY Hey guys, sorry we’re….
ROBBY RAY Yee, doggies!
MILEY Daddy, he’s finally cracked.
ROBBY RAY You know what, son? I like it, but I don’t think it goes with the shoes.
JACKSON Okay, fine, you, you take your little cracks. But, but you weren’t here, (motions to Miley) and Fermine needed help with the dress, and he said he’d pay me. So this is what you get. (throws up his arms)
MILEY (covering her nose) Next time try something with sleeves and deodorant.
JACKSON If you got it, flaunt it! Which reminds me, I’ve got a little blue sequined number waiting for me. Enjoy! (tosses her the Hannah wig and leaves)
ROBBY RAY (wallet out) Okay, Fermine, how much do I owe you?
FERMINE Kid works cheap. He did it for twenty dollars.
MILEY Daddy, you made him do that?
ROBBY RAY Hey, the boy said he needed some money. I thought I might as well get a chuckle out of it.
A skateboard comes sliding through the house. Robby Ray stops it with his foot, and they see Lilly at the front door.
ROBBY RAY Lilly alert. (to Fermine) Hey, Fermine, why don’t we step out onto the patio and give these girls some privacy?
FERMINE Okay, but I’m going to need some sunscreen. My skin is like a baby’s bottom.
ROBBY RAY Little too much information, Cowboy. (sets a cowboy hat on Fermine’s head)
FERMINE Oh, look at me! Giddy up, pardner. Yippee ki-yay! Giddy up. Yippee ki-yay.
LILLY (head poking through the door) Hey, can I talk to you?
MILEY Who? Miley or Hannah?
LILLY (standing) Miley.
MILEY (walking away) Well she’s not talking to you right now!
LILLY Wait, Miley. I’m sorry I called you Hannah. That was major news! You got to give me a little time to get used to it.
MILEY What happens if you can’t? What about the next time you get dissed by Amber and Ashley? Are you sure you won’t want to tell ‘em?
LILLY Of course I’ll want to, but I won’t. And you know why? Because you’re my best friend. And when I was sitting in my room all upset, you’re the one I wanted to talk to, not Hannah Montana. Well, I guess I’ve said everything. So, see ya.
LILLY (walking away, slowly) Here I go, headed for the door, after making the best apology I could possibly think of, (looks back for a second) still hoping she forgives me. Halfway there.
MILEY You are such a drama queen.
MILEY / LILLY Hugs?
The two friends hug. Jackson comes downstairs, dressed in another Hannah Montana outfit.
JACKSON I am so not getting paid enough for this.
MILEY (eyes wide) Neither am I.
At the school cafeteria, Amber and Ashley sit at their table.
AMBER We were in the first row, and -
ASHLEY - Hannah smiled right at us.
AMBER She really did.
Miley, Lilly, and Oliver walk by their table.
OLIVER Big deal! You see this towel? She gave it to me, in her dressing room. She really did.
AMBER Uh, yeah, and she gave me this sandwich. (holds up her sandwich)
AMBER / ASHLEY You’re pathetic. Oooh! (mimicking a sizzle)
OLIVER It’s true!
LILLY Ignore them, Oliver. They’re not worth it.
MILEY Wait a minute, he’s telling the truth. And she gave Lilly something, too.
LILLY What are you doing?
MILEY You’ll see.
ASHLEY That’s Hannah Montana’s scarf.
AMBER From the concert.
MILEY Yeah, Hannah gave it to her.
LILLY But you know what? You guys are much cooler than me. You should have it.
AMBER Oh, my gosh.
ASHLEY Hey! I want that! (they play tug-of-war with the scarf)
OLIVER Why did you do that?
MILEY I think I know. Hey, everybody!
MILEY / LILLY It’s Hannah Montana’s scarf!
Amber and Ashley shriek as the entire cafeteria swarms over them.
MILEY / LILLY Ooh! (mimicking the sizzle)