[SCENE – Topanga, Rachel, and Angela’s apartment. Rachel, Angela and Rhiannon are getting Topanga reading for her wedding. Rachel does Topanga’s nails on one hand, Angela on the other, and Rhiannon does her hair.]
Rhiannon: (Brushing) You’re gonna be a beautiful bride, Topanga.
Topanga: Thanks, Mom. I just want everything to be so perfect for Cory. I love him so much. This whole day is just full of love!
(Enter Shawn, carrying a bag, grumpily)
Shawn: (Furiously) I hate him. (Slams door, trudges towards the counter) He’s a self-centered whining, demanding, (throws bag on counter) miserable little white boy.
Angela: What happened, my brother?
Shawn: (Angrily) “Get the tuxedos!” “Pumice my toes!” “Tie the cans to the car!” I’m his best man, not his hamster!
Topanga: But you got the tuxes, right?
Shawn: You two deserve each other. (Paces towards couch, Angela follows)
Angela: Um, Shawn, what is really bothering you?
Shawn: (With Angela, sits) Cory is really bothering me! I don’t know what I ever saw in him.
Topanga: (Grinning to mask anger) Shawn… (giggles) See, (sits on couch arm) this is my wedding day and I would really appreciate it if there wasn’t any tension. (Strokes Shawn’s hair)
Shawn: I don’t care. If somebody abuses me, I lash out.
Topanga (Suddenly choking Shawn, but still smiling. Stands him up) Nobody’s abusing anybody! (Slowly moves him into the door) This is my wedding day! How dare you… (Pins him against the door)
Shawn: (Grunts) (Being choked) Can somebody help me out here?
Topanga: (Still choking and smiling) No, see, the best man cannot hate the groom. (Hits his head against the door twice) Now you’re gonna ruin my wedding pictures. (Shawn is in severe pain)
Rhiannon: (Approaches the fray) Honey, you’re killing him.
Shawn: (Raspy, due to lack of air) (Looking up) Dad… I’m coming Dad… (Rhiannon tries to pry Topanga off of him)
Angela: (Smiling, to make light of the scenario) Topanga, if he dies, then the best man is Eric.
Topanga: (stillll choking, briskly shakes head) Then we don’t want him to die.
Angela: No, no we don’t.
Topanga: (Lets go) You okay? Okay, good boy. (Strokes his hair insincerely)
Shawn: (Sinks down the door, energy drained. Angela squats next to him) (To Angela) They’re both psycho.
Topanga: (To Shawn) How can there be anything wrong between you and Cory? You love him more than I do. (Rhiannon looks at her, stunned) (To Rhiannon) It’s true, but I’m okay with it. (Walks away, with Rhiannon, leaving Angela & Shawn alone at the door)
Angela: (On the couch) What’s going on?
Shawn: (Still leaning on the door) Our entire friendship has always been about him! How does Cory feel? What is Cory thinking? (Rubs neck)
Angela: Come on, Shawn, what’s this really about?
Shawn: (Thinks) You know, (stands) you’d think on his wedding day he’d realize how hard this is for me. (Exits)
[SCENE – The Matthews’ living room. Everything is cleared out to make room for tons of folding white chairs for the ceremony. Feeny is there, as are Amy and Alan, who is moving flowers. Cory enters, slightly panicked, with Eric in tail]
Cory: Where’s my best man?
Alan: (Lugging a huge vase of lots of flowers) Don’t know!
Eric: Shoulda picked me!
Cory: (Ignoring Eric) Wait a minute, he’s not here yet?
Eric: Shoulda picked me!
Cory: (Ignoring Eric, to room) What’s his problem? I’m getting married in four hours!
Eric: Okay, I think it’s time for the older brother to give the younger brother the pre-wedding sex talk, okay?
Feeny: (Sarcastically) Oh, goody…
Cory: (Being sat in a chair by Eric) You? I’m getting advice from you?
Eric: (Pointing to Amy) Take notes, Mommy! Eric Matthews is giving lessons in human boinging. (Amy sighs, putting her face in her palm)
Alan: (Upset) Oh, no no no no no…
Eric: (To Cory, seriously) Alright, lesson one: Sex without love is empty and hollow. (Suddenly jokingly) And that’s just the way we men like it! Huh? (Puts his arm around Alan) (The whole room looks displeased, especially Alan who, unsure of how to react, motions as though he should hit Eric)
Feeny: Eric, you’re completely missing the beauty of human sexuality. It’s not just a physical act, it’s the intimacy between two people sharing their souls.
Eric: Maybe for old people!
Feeny: (Giving up) You know, you’re all crazy! (Exits)
Cory: (Stands, worried) I can’t believe Shawn. I can’t believe he’s not here yet. I mean, what is so hard about remembering the tuxedos, the wedding cake, and the rings!
Eric: (Leaning into Cory’s ear from behind) Fire Shawn, you know you want to… (Cory raises his hand in front of Eric’s face, who switches to the other ear) Come on, give me the job, I’m your brother, we both came out of our Daddy’s womb!
Amy: (Ignoring Eric, who walks away) Cory, you and Shawn are best friends and you’re going to stay best friends.
Cory: Are we?
Cory: (Frustrated) Because where is my best friend with the tuxedos? (Hurriedly walks towards the door) Why is my best friend trying to sabotage my wedding day?
Shawn: (Enters, quickly, with a shopping back and a cake box in hand) Oh, now I’m sabotaging your wedding day?
Cory: Where’re the tuxedos?
Shawn: I don’t have them yet.
Cory: What do you mean you don’t have them yet?
Shawn: (Agitated) I’ve been outside tying tin cans to the Volvo for the last hour, my fingers are bleeding! (Holds up fingers)
Cory: (Pause) We don’t have a Volvo.
Cory: We don’t have a Volvo, we have a Chevy.
Shawn: Well who has a Volvo?
Feeny: (Enters from kitchen with several tin cans on a string) Who’s been tying tin cans to my car?
Cory: (Points to Shawn) He did. (Takes the can from Feeny)
Shawn: (Rubs forehead) This is too much pressure…
Cory: Shawn, what’s the matter buddy? I mean, you’re really letting me down, here.
Shawn: Cory, has it occurred to you even a little bit that as far as you and me go, today is the last day that we’re ever gonna be… Cory and Shawn? You know? Shawn and Cory?
Cory: (Speechless, looks around. Eyes the can label) Beans? (Holds up cans) You picked beans?
Shawn: What’s the matter with beans?
Cory: Beans are not a wedding can!
Shawn: Why not?
Cory: Because beans do not say eternal love and happiness!
Eric: (Interjecting from the easy chair) I know what they say!
Shawn: (Ignoring Eric) Cory, (Puts his hand son Cory’s shoulders) I’m trying to talk to you about something.
Cory: (Knocks away Shawn’s arms, dropping cans) I don’t wanna talk about it now.
Shawn: Why not?
Cory: Did you pick up the honeymoon tickets from the travel agent?
Shawn: What’s the matter with you?
Alan: (Interjecting, try to cool things off) Hey, hey, guys…
Cory: (Stopping Alan) No, no, no, no. Dad, please! (Looks at Shawn) I just want a guy who can pick up the tuxedos and tie some cans together!
Shawn: (Forcefully) I just want to talk to you about this.
Cory: (Erupting) Shawn, I just wanna competent best man!
Shawn: (Exploding) THEN GET A NEW ONE!! (Walks towards door)
Cory: What did you say?
Shawn: I said get a new best man!
Eric: (Freaks out, happily I guess, in his chair. Then stands) Cory, what I think we’ve got here is a best man who’s folded under the pressure. (Walks over to Cory) I’ll pick up the tuxedos, (picks up cans) I’ll tie the cans to the Subaru, it’s all taken care of. (Looks at Shawn with a gloating face, Shawn ignores him) (Exits through front)
Cory: You can be an usher.
Shawn: I don’t want to be an usher.
Cory: Well, do you wanna walk my Nana Booboo down the aisle?
Shawn: I don’t wanna walk Nana Booboo anywhere.
Cory: Whaddya wanna do, Shawn?
Shawn: (Not angry, simply sad) (Shrugs) I don’t wanna do anything.
Cory: (Raising anger) You don’t wanna do anything at my wedding?
Shawn: (Very angry again) No, I’m not going to your wedding! (Walks away)
Cory: Fine!! Then don’t go!!
[SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Alan, Feeny, and Cory all away the arrival of the tuxes in their undershirts, boxers, high dress socks, fancy shoes, and sock holder-uppers (I don’t know what they’re called). Amy and Morgan also wait, but they are dressed in nice black dresses, sitting in a chairs. Cory, impatiently, paces back and forth. Jack enters in identical attire]
Jack: Alright, alright, alright… (To Cory) I just spoke to Shawn, and I’m sure he’ll forgive you just, you know, give him a call.
Cory: (Angrily) Shawn can kiss my groom tuchas in hell!
Eric: (Enters in tux) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the best best man of all? (Cartman voice) You are, Eric. You are.
Feeny: Hey, moron. Where’re the tuxedos?
Eric: Oh, in the limo, baby!
Alan: What limo, baby?
Eric: The limo that’s taking us all to Cory’s wedding. You don’t actually think I’d let him get married in this dump, do you?
Amy: Eric, what did you do?
Eric: Oh, no time, Mom, we’re on a schedule. Okay, the girls are already on there way, so we gotta move, people. (Backs towards the door, stands at it and looks at the occupants of the room, expecting them to move. Alan gestures to his attire, but Eric doesn’t care) We gotta MOVE, people! (Feeny is the first to go) (As Feeny passes) Nice legs, Feeny.
Cory: (To Jack, as everyone files out) You tell Shawn my new best man got me a limo.
Jack: (as they exit) Before or after the groom tuchas in hell?
Cory: You decide. (He and Jack exit)
Alan: (The last one in the room, to Eric) Is this gonna be very, very bad?
Eric: (Thinking) Mmmm… We’ll see. (Exits with Alan)
[SCENE – Philadelphia Victorian Hotel ballroom. Many men and women in fancy clothes are going about, setting up a very fancy wedding. Eric enters, with Alan, Amy, Morgan, Jack, Cory, and Feeny behind him. All of them men have their tuxes on]
Amy: (Looking around) Eric, this is the Philadelphia Victorian Hotel.
Cory: (To Eric, impressed) Very nice!
Jack: (Smiling and nodding) This is an Eric thing! (Suddenly solemn) This is an Eric thing…
Alan: (To Eric) I’m not paying for this.
Eric: (Steps closer to Alan) You never made any real money, did ya, Dad?
Alan: No, but I had you, so I’m twice cursed. (He and Eric exchange smiles)
Amy: Eric, what is the deal here?
Eric: Look, the deal is this is the most important day of my little brother’s life and I came through, okay? So either you can have a great time… Or! You can be all cynical and think something fishy’s going on.
Hotel Employee: (Approaches) (Speaking eloquently, to Eric) Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Peterman?
Eric: (Turns to the employee, also speaking eloquently) Indeed it is… (turns to his family, then back to the employee) …Mr. Peterman.
Hotel Employee: You let us know if you need anything, Mr. Peterman.
Eric: (Smiles, makes shooing gesture with hand) Okay, go away now. Go… Go away… (The employee exits as Eric’s family encircles him) (Pause) Why ya’ll looking at me?
[SCENE – Hotel room somewhere. Topanga is putting the final touches on her wedding outfit with Rachel and Angela there as well]
Topanga: Do you think anything’s gonna change between us after I get married?
Angela: No. Nothing’s gonna change. Just because you’re moving out and you’re setting up house and you’re gonna be with Cory all the time and maybe have kids… some day… Gosh, I am never gonna see you again, am I? (Sadly, her and Topanga hug)
Topanga: (While hugging) Do you want me to call it off?
Angela: (Looks Topanga squarely in the eye) I want you to be happy.
Topanga: I want you to be happy, too. (Goes back to hugging)
Rachel: (Hugs both of them) I want you to be happy, three!
Angela: (To Topanga, excitedly) You’re getting married today!!
(The three of them scream and jump up and down excitedly)
[SCENE - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel, the area that has become the wedding hall. A very nice strings band is playing fancy wedding music as the priest enters and takes his place in front of Cory on the altar. He and Cory looks down the aisle, where Rachel and Jack walk down first. Jack gives a thumbs up as he and Rachel take their places next to the altar. Next come Feeny and Morgan, who take their places, followed by Eric and Angela, who also take their places among the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Finally, the flower girl and the ring bearer, a little girl and boy, come down the aisle. They stop before the altar, and the flower girl gestures for Jack to come over. He does so, cautiously]
Flower Girl: (To Jack) You are very hot. (Nods)
Jack: (Unsure how to react) (Whispering) Thanks. (Shows her to her place, then retakes his spot)
Eric: (Steps towards the ring bearer, noticing his little pillow has no rings on it) Hey, ring boy, where are the rings?
Ring bearer: That’s your job, slick. I’m just here to look cute. (Smiles and waves at the crowd adorably)
Eric: (Laughing uncomfortably) It’s okay, Cory… (Gently shoves the ring bearer off screen with an increasingly angry expression. At this point, he is near Angela)
Angela: You forgot the rings, didn’t you?
Eric: Yes, but I remembered my underwear! (Realizes, grabs Angela’s wrist, scared) No I didn’t! (Returns to his place)
(The band begins the wedding march, the crowd stands, looking at the beginning of the aisle. Topanga is at the entrance with her father, but she is staring at Cory. Cory smiles at her, she smiles right back. Topanga and her father begin moving. As they do so, Jed takes Topanga’s hand. He and Topanga stop at the altar, he holds out his other hand for Cory, and the puts their hands together after kissing Topanga’s hand.)
Jed: Be good to each other. (Rhiannon looks sad, Jed sits next to her)
Topanga: (To Cory) We’ve waited for the moment all our lives. What’re you thinking?
Cory: (Disappointed) I can’t believe Shawn’s not here.
Topanga: (Deeply emotional) I love you, too. (Cory smiles, the two approach the altar)
Priest: (To room) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the wedding of Myra and Harold. (Confused, Topanga and Cory exchange glances)
Eric: (Leans in) (Briskly) Just keep going. Just keep going. (Smiles at Cory, leans away)
Priest: And now a song, from the mother of the groom, Mrs. Florence Peterman.
Alan: (In the audience, to Amy) I think that’s you.
Amy: (Stands, walks over and stands on the same stage as the band. She blows a kiss to Cory and Topanga, then begins singing) I love you truly, truly dear…
(Shawn enters and walks up to Cory at the altar in the midst of the song. Amy continues singing, but the following conversation occurs over it)
Shawn: (To Cory) Hey, you’re gonna need these rings. (Holds out rings to Cory)
Cory: Shawnie! I knew you’d come! (Takes the rings)
Shawn: I wouldn’t miss this, Cor.
Cory: Look, I am so sorry for all the stuff that happened.
Shawn: Well, you should be. But, we’ll talk about it after you get back from the honeymoon, okay?
Cory: (Turns back to face Amy, then to Shawn, who had begun walking into the audience) Wait a minute, (steps towards Shawn, off the alter) what do you mean I should be?
Shawn: Cory, you’ve been being a jerk to me.
Cory: (Quietly angry) That’s because you’re the one who forgot the tuxedos. And you’re the one that didn’t tie the tin cans! It’s like you’re trying to sabotage my wedding day!
Shawn: (Trying to remain quiet) That is ridiculous! If I wanted to sabotage your wedding day… I’d so this. (Shoves Cory back, he steps up onto the altar because of it. Topanga quickly gathers up her dress, and all attention is diverted from Amy to Cory and Shawn)
Cory: (Fixing his cuffs) Boy oh boy, you, uh… You do not want to do that. (Turns away, squatting and pointing) Get him, Topanga!
Shawn: (Openly angry) You know what? I shouldn’t of come here, have a nice life, jerk!
Cory: You, too, trailer trash!!
Eric: (Laughing) A-ha-ha!! Shawn’s poor! Ha ha ha!
(Shawn snaps. Yelling, she charges Cory and the two, entangled fighting, fall to the ground.)
Cory: (Yelling amidst the fray) This is my wedding day!!
(Jack, Jed, and Alan do their best to separate the two, and they do by pulling them off the floor)
Eric: (On the side, to the priest) You’re doing a great job, just try not to use the word “Peterman” anymore, alright? (Slaps him some money)
Shawn: (Being restrained by Jed and Jack) (Yelling with rage) He doesn’t care that we’re not gonna be friends anymore!!
Cory: (Being restrained by Alan) Why do you keep saying that, huh? Why do you have to keep bringing that up?
Shawn: ‘Cause you won’t talk about it!!
Cory: I don’t wanna talk about it! Why do you think I’ve been sending you everywhere?
Shawn: We have to talk about it!
Cory: (Like a child) I don’t want to…
Shawn: We have to!
Cory: (Breathes) …now?
Shawn: (has been releases, paces towards the altar’s side) (Almost crying) Cory, after you get married, things are gonna be different. And I don’t have a lot for friends, you know? (Sits on the altar step)
Cory: Shawnie, I… (Sits next to Shawn) I don’t know what’s gonna happen. What do you want me to do?
Shawn: (Pause) I don’t know… (Pause, meekly) Do you really like her?
Cory: (Smiles, nodding) Yeah, I really do.
Shawn: You sure?
Topanga: (Interjects, leaning her head between Shawn and Cory) Shawn, I really think I’ve been very tolerant. (Backs away)
Shawn: Okay… (To Cory) Marry her.
Cory: You giving me your blessing?
Shawn: (Sadly) Yeah, well… we gotta grow up sometime. (Cory smiles)
[Cut to later. Topanga and Cory are exchanging vows at the altar. Order has been restored]
Topanga: I wasn’t sure this day would ever come. But you were. I wasn’t sure that love could survive everything we put it through. But you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know that I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That’s what I’m sure of.
(Camera cuts to Cory, who has his arm around Shawn across from Topanga. Both of them are looking at Topanga lovingly)
Cory: (To Shawn) I have to talk to her now, okay?
Shawn: Go ahead. (Backs away to the traditional best man spot)
Cory: (Pats Shawn’s back) Okay… (To Topanga) Um… (Begins vows) Ever since I was young, I never really understood anything about the world. And I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you. And how I felt about you. (Topanga inhales sharply, avoiding tears) That’s all I’ve ever known. And that’s enough. That’s enough for me for the rest of my life, Topanga. (Topanga is smiling) We gonna get married?
Topanga: (Nods) Yeah, we are.
Cory: Good, ‘cause, um… (holds up rings) I have these rings. (Puts a ring on Topanga’s finger) I love you, Topanga.
Topanga: I love you, too, Cory. (Puts a ring on Cory’s finger. Her and Cory turn to the priest and interlock arms)
Priest: (To Topanga) Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, to cherish and adore, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
Topanga: (Looks at Cory lovingly) I do.
Priest: (To Cory) And do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to cherish and adore, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
Cory: (Looks at Topanga) I do.
Priest: Then by the power vested in me, by the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Topanga laughs with joy, and then she and Cory kiss) (To room) Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, I present to you for the first time ever, Mister and Misses Harold Peterman! (Cory and Topanga look confused, the camera cuts to Jed and Rhiannon with similar reactions, then Alan and Amy)
Eric: It’s okay! (Claps hands) (Cheering) Come on!!
(Topanga, smiling and staring at Cory, turns his head so he too is looking at her. The whole room stands and applauds at the happy couple. Topanga and Cory, smiling greatly, hug closely)
[SCENE - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel ballroom, it is the reception after the ceremony. Cory and Topanga are dancing, as are, unbelievable, Jed and Rhiannon, as well as Amy and Alan, and Rachel and a Matthews’ cousin, among others]
Cousin: (To Rachel, grinning) Maybe we could go somewhere later?
Rachel: (Maintaining a fake smile, to Feeny who’s sitting nearby) Mr. Feeny, help!
Feeny: (Stands, to cousin) Scram, Zippy. (the cousin leaves, Feeny takes his place)
[Cut over to Amy and Alan]
Amy: (To Alan) This was an amazing wedding.
Amy: How could Eric have pulled this thing off?
Alan: Well, that’s the first thing I’ll ask him when visit him in Attica. (He and Amy move towards Cory and Topanga) (To Cory and Topanga) Excuse me, may we cut in? (Alan and Cory trade dance partners)
Cory: (As they switch) Yes…
Amy: Cory, I’m so proud of you.
Cory: Thank you, Mama.
Amy: And even though you’re a married man now, you’re still our little boy. And we love you very much.
[Cut to Alan and Topanga]
Alan: And when he makes you nuts, you call me.
Topanga: Thanks… Dad. (They kiss on the cheek)
Shawn: (Standing on a chair, clinks a glass to gets everyone’s attention) I’d like to propose a toast. (Everyone pays attention) This is for Harold and Myra. (Looks down to Eric) What’s up with that, Eric?
Eric: Nothing, let’s just talk fast, alright? (Looks around shiftily, walks away)
Shawn: (Toasting) Well, there is something I’d like to say. I may not be the best man, but I am the best friend. Cory and I have been best friends all our lives. And, um, this wedding’s been kinda hard for me because I know, no matter how much we may avoid talking about it, Cory and I aren’t gonna be best friends forever. Things are changing between us. Things have always been changing. We’ve had to deal with life… and death. And Feeny. But no matter what we faced, we always faced it together. (Steps down to the floor, looking at Cory) So then how can we possibly be upset with each other on his wedding day? Well, it’s because deep down, I think Cory and I both know that we’re not gonna be best friends anymore. (Long pause) And that’s the way it should be. So this is to Topanga. (Looks to her, holding out glass) Cory’s wife… and new best friend. (Steps closer, to Topanga, almost crying) Take care of him okay?
Topanga: (Nods) I will.
Shawn: (Faintly smiling) And when he makes you nuts, call me.
Topanga: (While she and Shawn hug) I will.
Shawn: (Holds up glass, to room) To Cory and Topanga.
Everyone: (Holds up glasses) Cory and Topanga!
Eric: (Steps to Cory and Topanga) And now, I would like to give my gift… (Makes his way between Cory and Topanga) to my little brother and new sister-in-law.
Topanga: Eric, this wedding was more than enough.
Eric: Yeah, it was, wasn’t it? (Chuckles) But I do have one more thing up my sleeve. I hold in my hand a key. (Holds a large key between Cory & Topanga, who both glare at it) A key to the honeymoon suite… of the Philadelphia Victoria Hotel. So that after this par…
Cory: (Interrupting, snatching the key) Bye!! (Grabs Topanga by the hands, and runs with her out of the room)
Topanga: (As they exit) Woo!
(Everyone holds up the glasses, smiling, as though that was a toast. Everyone resumes milling about)
Jack: Alright, Eric, you spill it right now. (He, Shawn, Rachel, Angela and Eric all sit at a table)
Angela: Yeah, how could you possibly arrange all this?
Eric: Oh, it was child’s play! I’m pickin’ up the tuxes, right?
Eric: And I see next door that they’re setting up for this hoity-toity Peterman wedding.
Rachel: Wait a minute, the disposable diaper Petermans?
Eric: Yeah, dem Petermans. (Sips champagne)
Rachel: Their wedding is the social event of the year.
Eric: Yeah, well… Now it’s not.
Jack: (Accusatory) What did you do?
Eric: Well, nothing. I just run out to the payphone, and I call the operator, and she said “what hotel?” and I told her, and while she was getting the number, I looked down under the receiver and there’s some kind of schmutz on it… I’m not sure if it was dried vomit or gum, it tasted more like gum…
Jack: (Interrupting, irritated) Get on with it!
Eric: (Stands) I told them that I was E.J. Peterman and I had to get, uh, my daughter married sooner because she was pregnant. (Chuckles) So drink up, guys! ‘Cause it’s gonna hit the fan in, like, two seconds… (Sips champagne)
Jack: What kind of unbelievable hotel moron would fall for something that stupid?
Eric: Ummmm… (looks around room) Him! (Points to the hotel manager, also portrayed by Will Friedle, simply with a fake mustache. The manager smiles at Eric, Eric salutes back, and the manage points appreciatively then walks over)
Manager: (Speaks with a German accent, I think) Is everything quite satisfactory, Mr. Peterman?
Eric: Oh, quite, quite. You run a tight ship here, young fellow, and you’re a good looking man.
[Enter E.J. Peterman, and old fart dressed in a fancy-schmancy tux, with three other old farts behind him]
Peterman: (Grumpily surveying the room) What is going on here!?
Eric: Uh-oh. (puts down champagne glass and hides between two columns on the opposite side of the room)
Peterman: (To the manager) I am E.J. Peterman…
Alan: (To Eric, who’s head’s between the columns) Party’s over, isn’t it?
Peterman: (To manager) And I demand to know just what the hell is going on here!
Eric: Oh, yeah, it’s over. (Whistles, yelling) Run like hell! (Everyone, except the manager and Peterman, exit running)
[TAG - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel ballroom, continued from before. The ballroom has emptied, leaving on Peterman and the manager (remember: he’s Will Friedle AKA Eric) arguing]
Manager: Mr. Peterman, there was a wedding and a little bit of the people, they…
Peterman: (Interrupting, simmering with anger) I know there was a wedding, but it was not my wedding!
Manager: SO THEY COME IN AND THEY GET MARRIED AND THEY SAY YES I DO!!!!
(The argument deteriorates into incoherent yelling, especially the manager’s German accent. Rest assured, it’s quite funny, but cannot be transferred into words on a page. Anyways, it goes on for a while until the manager closes with…)
Manager: You go have a heart attack? I don’t even pick up after you!!
Peterman: (Turns to his goonies) WHERE IS THE MANAGER HERE?!?!?! (To manager) I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER!!
Manager: You go see the manager, he’s a skimpy guy that never tips!