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The episode begins in Spain 1847 with the twins eating nachos inside Stan steamboat. Stan is honking while Mabel attaches nachos from her chip bag to her ears.
Mabel Haha! Nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!
Grunkle Stan That's debatable. Aw come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all...Mules on covered wagons? Oh no! No! No!
Stan pushes his foot on the gas swich.
Stan Not today! Not today!
(A few woman gasp in the presence of him nearly running them over. He backs up, and begins to drive the steamboat backwards.)
Dipper Grunkle Stan, what's going on?
Stan We gotta get outta here. Before it's too late!
steamboat is forced to a stop when a group of mule's on covered wagons circle around it.
Stan They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! Nooooooooo!
Mabel looks outside her window and sees a donkey.
Mabel I've gotta good feeling about today.
Cut to the theme song.
The twins and Stan get out of the boat and walk around the village.
Dipper Man. Look at the village.
He holds a post card up for a second. When he lowers it, the town is a sepia shade, but it is just due to a pane of dirty glass.
Worker Dirty glass. We got dirty glass! Dirty glass.
Stan Ah, boy. It's Pioneer Day. Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded.
Toby Determined Welcome to Spain in 1847!
Stan I will break you, little man!
Toby runs away and crashes into a barrel.
Mabel Wow! Look! Candle dipping!
Dipper Woah, gold panning!
Priest (Talking to a man and a woodpecker.) I now pronounce you man and wife.
Man I do!
Mabel What you talking 'bout?
Dipper Oh yeah. I remember this.
Dipper takes out Journal 3 and flips to a page.
Dipper In Gravity Falls it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers.
Man Oh, it's still legal. Very legal.
Announcer Come one and all for the opening ceremonies!
Mabel Grunkle Stan, you coming?
Stan No, thank you! Just remember if you come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me.
Dipper (In a pioneerish voice) There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!
Mabel (In a pioneerish voice.) Well hornswabber my haversack!
The twins spit and run off, laughing.
Stan Dead to me!
A crowd assembles around a large stage.
SL 1001 Here-ye, here-ye! Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence Wooo! I got a bell!
A bandit steals an old lady's purse.
Old Lady Oh, no! Cowboy, my purse!
Durland Ring ring! Ring ring! Woo!
Blubs Hehe. He sure loves his bell.
Pacifica Northwest comes on stage.
Pacifica Howdy, everyone! You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great granddaughter of town-founder Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich.
The crowd applauds. and brass, woodwind and drums to play
Pacifica Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you come on up and introduce yourself.
Mabel (Gasps) Audience participation!
Dipper I don't know, Mabel. Isn't that girl kinda like your arch-enemy?
Mabel That's water under the bridge.
Mabel giggles and runs on stage.
Pacifica Our first newcomer is...
Pacifica glares angrily.
Pacifica Mabel...
Mabel Yeah! Let's get this Pioneer Day started! Right guys? USA! USA!
Crowd Spain! Spain!
Patriotic Man (While crying tears of joy) USA, USA!
Pacifica I'm sorry to break it to you, but Wild West is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous.

Pacifia looks at Mabel's sweater.

Pacifica I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly?
Mabel Hey, I can be serious!

Mabel makes a terrible attempt to act serious.

Pacifica You do have nachos hangin' from your ears, hun.
Mabel touches her earrings and blushes.
Pacifica Haha, wow, I'm embarrassed for you. Give her a hand everybody!
Mabel sadly walks off the stage.
Now who wants to hear more about me?
Dipper (To the people standing near him) Excuse me.
Pacifica (The Northwest Family lines up for a photo) Everyone say Northwest!
Northwest Family Northwest!
Pacifica (To no one in particular) We're perfect.
Dipper (To Mabel) Hey, you okay?
Mabel I need some old timey butterscotch.
Stan is trying to drive his car, which is stuck in the mud. A person walks next to him.
Stan Hey there, uh, donkey boy! Give me a hand me a hand with my car, huh?
Steve Here in 1863, I have never heard-tell of a "car". Pray-tell, what is this magic wheel box?
Stan Ah, c'mon Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete's sake! Cut me some slack.
Steve "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold, new expression.
Stan I can't take this anymore! (He grabs Steve by the collar.) I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!
Blubs Are we gonna have to intervene here?
Stan Oh, look. The "Constable". What are you gonna do? Throw me in ye stocks? (Stan starts laughing.)
(Cut to Stan in ye stocks.)
Stan Aw, c'mon! (Gideon walks by, humming a song.) Hey, nice outfit Gideon. You actually look less girly than usual.
Gideon Gleeful Why, Stanford. I'm just a humble tomato farmer, selling his wares. Whoops, I dropped one. (He throws a tomato at Stan's right eye.) Whoops, I dropped another one. (He throws a tomato at Stan's left eye.)
Stan Ugh! (in vain) PIONEER DAY!
The twins sit near a large statue of Nathaniel Northwest.
Mabel Dipper, can I ask you something? Do you think I'm silly?
Dipper Uh, nnnoooo?
Mabel I knew it! The nacho earrings, the sweater. I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke. (She takes off her nacho earrings and her sweater, tying the sweater around her waist.)
Dipper C'mon, Mabel, you love that sweater!
Mabel I did before Pacifica ruined it for me. She ruins everything!
Dipper (stands up) Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she can treat everyone like garbage. Someone needs to take her down a peg. (He gasps.) Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great grandfather before. (He opens Journal 3 and flips to a certain page.) Of course! Oh, this is perfect. (In a deep voice.) In my investigations... (In his normal voice) Should- should I do the voice?
Mabel She shakes her head no. ner ur
Dipper I'll just read...normal. (Reading from book.) In my investigations I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the true founder of Gravity Falls! I believe this secret is emburied somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code. (He opens the document, revealing a complex series of letters, symbols and words.) Oh, man! If this coverup is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud. This could be a major conspiracy!
Mabel Really?
Dipper I got to investigate this!
Mabel Wait! I'm coming with you. Conspiracies are serious, right?
Dipper Oh yeah, definitely.
Mabel Well, if I help you crack this code, then nobody could call me silly again!
Dipper Yeah! Mystery Twins?
Mabel I thought you hated that.
Dipper I'm starting to accept it.
The two fist bump and run off. Behind the statue, Blubs speaks into a radio.
Blubs This is Sheriff Blubs. We've got a code sepia!
Unnamed dispatcher (He spits out his coffee.) What?! And what are you doing about it?
Blubs I'm following them right now.
Unnamed dispatcher Find them and stop them. There's no room for error.
Blubs I understand. Blubs out. (To Durland.) Deputy Durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers. Are you ready?
Durland Woo!
Blubs Hehe, if being delightful was crime, you'd be breaking the law.
Durland Let's go get 'em!
Old Man McGucket (Inside the 19th Century Spain Library) Back in the olden days, pioneers drew subsistence from telling stories 'round the fire. So let's eat some books, children! Go ahead, eat the books! (He starts chewing on one.)
Dipper Alright, Mabel, if we can prove Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it will finally put Pacifica in her place.
Mabel And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly. I'm serious. Seriousss...
Dipper (He places some slides into a projector.) We just need to crack this code. Let me see...it's not Egyptian, it's not numerology, it's not, wait-of course! The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame. Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!
Mabel It's so obvious!
Dipper Alright, let's just light this sucker up and, Mabel!
Mabel (She's wearing a hat she made out of the document.) Mwop! I just made a hat. Ugh, I just did something silly again.
Dipper Wait, Mabel. You folded it into a map! And I was gonna burn it...
Blubs (To a librarian.) We're on the lookout for two kids who might be reading.
Durland We're hunting them down for secret reasons. WOO!
(Dipper and Mabel hide under the table)
Durland

(knocks over a shelf of books) DERP!

Dipper (to Mabel) Maybe we should take this elsewhere...
Mabel This map should lead us to...(cut to the twins standing in front of a museum)...The Gravity Falls Museum of History.
Dipper You realize what this means, Mabel. We're gonna have to break. In. (suspense plays)
Sue ....and here are your free Pioneer Day passes, and your balloons, blue and pink. (hands them the 19th century balloons cheerfully)
suspense music plays again
Dipper We're in.
cuts to Dipper and Mabel browsing the museum
Mabel What are we gonna do next, steal Thomas Jefferson's ribcage?
Dipper Ewww, no. According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right...here!
A triangular exhibition piece is mounted on the wall.
Dipper We've gotta figure this one out quick, I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books...
Mabel I don't think the one with the bell can read...
Dipper So what is it anyway?
The twins analyze the exhibit
Both Hmmmm...
Mabel gets bored and walks over to a bench to sit down
Mabel (turning upside-down on the bench) Hey painting, be less stupid. (gasps) It worked!
Dipper Huh? (runs over and lays upside-down like Mabel) Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside-down!
Mabel I think I've seen that statue at the cemetery.
Dipper Let's go! Quick! (they stand up, getting dizzy as the blood rushes out of their head)
Both Ow.
Dipper Head rush.
Sue (to Deputy Durland) I'm sorry, but we're all out of pink balloons.
Durland (disappointedly) Why did we even come?
Dispatcher (over walkie-talkie) Officer Blubs.
(Blubs and Durland run farther into the museum and back up on a wall)
Blubs Blubs here.
Dispatcher Have the targets been apprehended?
Blubs (sweating) Negative, but we're close. I promise, those kids'll never get past us.
(Dipper and Mabel run past them.)
Blubs Hey! Wait!
(Blubs and Durland chase the kids out of the museum, but get stuck in the door.)
Blubs Dang it!
(Cut to a chickadee

chirping)

(Inside a building)
Woodpecker's Husband For the last time, we are not going south for the winter! Our home is here! (woodpecker pecks on the table.) You always say that! (storms out of the room)
(cut outside)
Stan (struggling to get out of his ye-stocks, trying to unlock the lock with a hairpin) C'mon! C'mon, ugh! (drops the pin)
Pacifica (Picking up the pin) Well, if it isn't Mabel's uncle, Mr. Pines. Looking for this? (Holds up the pin)

Stan

Yeah, yeah. What d' ya want, money?

Pacifica I want you to say that the Northwest family is the best family in Gravity Falls.
Stan Oh sure, you want that in writing?
Pacifica gives Stan a pen and let him writes something on a note. Stan writes with his mouth.
Stan Here we go.
But the note says: YOU STINK!
Stan Ha! I did that with my mouth!
Pacifica whistles to the ladies with tomatoes and points to Stan.
Stan Aw, come on!
Dipper Ah... The statue must be pointing to the next clue.
Mabel Oh, gross! She's picking my nose! Ha ha! Ach.
Dipper Mabel, look!
Mabel Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica? Bam! Ahh! Ow. Ow. Ow. Okay.
Mabel Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode. I feel serious. Mmm.
Dipper Okay, look out for Booby traps.
Mabel Ha! Booby traps.
Dipper Tranquilizer darts!
Mabel Aah!
Mabel It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things.
Mabnel Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman.
Dipper Hey, jackpot! Now we'll find out who the real town founder was. "Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, "fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud..., as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot." (laughs) Oh, bad news for Pacifica. Wait'll the papers hear about this!
Mabel Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they cou never call me silly!
Dipper "The true founder of Gravity Falls was sir lord, Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire."
Mabel Who's Quentin Trembley?
Bluds That's none of your business!
Durland Whoo! We gotcha! Whoo! Whoo hmm whoo-hoo
Bluds He got hit with quite a few of those darts.
Bluds But Quentin Trembley's a matter of national security.
Durland Yeah! Ye--ah, whoo. I think I might be colorblind now.
Dipper What do you mean, "national security?"
Mabel And who is Quentin Trembley, anyway?
Bluds See for yourself.
Mabel Aww, black and white?!
Dipper Shh! Mabel.
Government official If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. --What? No? Ho! Well, that's a relief! Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley: The eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.
Dipper and Mabel President?
Mabel Eighth-and-a-half?
Government official After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.

He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His state of the union speech was even worse.

Trembley
reenactment recording
The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!
Government official He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed.

Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as president and local nobody Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls. The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown.

Blubs Until now.
Dipper Whoa! Is that, like, amber or something?
Bluds The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President! Finding Trembley's body was our special mission. And now, thanks to you, it's complete.
Durland Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers?
Mabel Ugh, silly!
Blubs Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it.
Dipper Does that mean--
Mabel Are you going to kill us?!
Durland Oh, no!
Bluds No, no. Calm down now, buddy, calm down. We're just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington. You ain't comin' back, by the way.
Cut to the inside of a train 0-4-0
Durland Whoo-hoo! We got fold-out beds!
Bluds Good thing I brought my book of spooky ghost stories!
Durland I brought rope for friendship bracelets!
Mabel (In a wooden box, with Dipper and Trembley) Anyone there?! Help help help!
Dipper Hey! Let us out!
Mabel Ohh. I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault. Pacifica had me pegged all along. I'm just a silly failure, like that embarrassing president what's-his-name. (eats piece of peanut britter, breaking all the block and freeing Trembley)
Trembley Aahh! It is I, Quentin Trembley.
Dipper You're alive! But how?
Mabel Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties! You're not silly, you're brilliant!
Trembley And so are you, dear girl, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!
Dipper He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside-down; Your silliness solved the code that serious cops couldn't crack in a hundred years!
Mabel Oh, stop it.
Trembley By Jefferson! We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box.
Mabel It's a crate, Mr. President.
Trembley Good thing I have the president's key, which can open any lock in America.
Dipper I... don't think that's gonna work.
Trembley Wood! My age-old enemy. In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived.
Dipper I think I know who can help you.
Mabel Hmm. How 'bout... that hole? (points to tiny hole near the corner)
Trembley We will leap through it!

Trembley to Mabel

(Mabel pokes finger through hole and moves it around as Trembley cheers her) Almost. Almost there Good! Keep pushing.
Dipper I'm not sure this is working.
Mabel Trust... the... silliness!
Trembley Fiddlesticks! Keep going! Is that my third wife Sandy? (points to a woodpecker. The woodpecker pecks once the box and it falls apart)
Trembley Well, we didn't fit through the hole. Let's rebuild the box and try again.
Dipper We gotta get out of here!
Trembley Also good.
Durland Blubs!
Dipper Give me that!
Blubs There (huffs) is (huffs) no (huffs) escape! I gotta take a knee.
Durland Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Bluds Edwin, darlin, you are a diamond in the rough.
Dipper Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?
Bluds I've got no choice! Our orders come from the very top!
Dipper Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?
Trembley No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.
Dipper Then... technically you're still legally the president of the United States, right? You've gotta answer this guy now!
Blubs and Durland Huh?
Trembly As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened. And- and go on a delightful vacation. Ow! Yes.
Blubs Vacation? What place have you always wanted to visit? One, two
Blubs and Durland Silly water fun slides in grand lakes, Michigan!

Blubs and Durland

Bye-bye! Bye!
Ttrembley You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U. S. congressman.
Mabel I'm legalizing everything!
Trembley And Roderick,
Dipper --Uh, actually--
Trembley --you, dear boy, are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land, so I'd like you to have my president's key.
Trembley (cut to Trembley and the Twins later on, in Gravity Falls. Trembley is telling a story) And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours. George Washington was a jerk.
Mabel Agreed.
Smabble (appears with Pacifica) Oh!
Pacifica Kick her off the team.
Mabel Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now?
Pacifica What? Who is that jackass?
Trembley Put up your Dukes, you bald fiend!
Mabel The eighth-and-a-half president of America. How is he still alive? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it--
Pacifica Ha ha ha! Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way.
Mr. and Mrs. Northwest laugh mockingly.
Mr. Northwest (laughs) Good one, daughter.
Pacifica Ooh! I see your ship is stuck in the mud. Enjoy walking home.
Dipper Aren't you gonna tell her about her ate-gray ampa-gray?
Mabel You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned to see silly as awesome!
Dipper Well, I haven't learned anything! Hey, Pacifica!
Dipper runs to the ship. The ship stops and Dipper hands Pacifica the documents through her window.
Dipper Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham. Deal with it!
Pacifica What?! Mom!!!
Dipper Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!
Trembley Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here... On the negative twelve dollar bill. (hands them a bill)
Dipper (examines bill) Whoa. This is worthless.
Trembley It's less then worthless, my boy. Trembley away!
Trembley backflips onto a bull and rides away.
Mabel Where do you think he's going?
Dipper I'm gonna say... off a cliff.
Stan (cut to Stan, being freed by Dipper, telling to the Twins the story of his imprisonment) And then Soos came by and talked to me for like an hour.
Mabel You've been through so much.
Dipper (lock opens up) It works!
Stan So what's with the top hat?
Mabel

I am a congressman.

Stan Pardon me?
Mabel You are officially pardoned.
Dipper and Mabel laugh to Stan's befuddlement.
Stan Oy! You a never gonna make sense, are you, kid?
Mabel No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan. No, I'm not. Mabel away! (Backflips)
Crashes
Mabel I'm ok!
Cut to end tag.
Trembley Esteemed gentlemen of the supreme court of the United States, I implore you to rethink your decision!
Trembley Very well. But who would you have replace me?

Baby

Mama.
Trembley That old crone?!

Baby

Ba ba ba
Trembly Justice chief Num-Num, you're spitting up on yourself! Now ohh! Oh, come on! This is a courtroom! I... this... this is a dark day for America.
End

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