Narrator: Ah, the Krusty Krab. Home of the Krabby Patty, with its top secret formula, known only to those who are brave enough and intelligent enough to comprehend its culinary complexity. (SpongeBob is balancing a spatula on his nose behind the register)
SpongeBob: Look Mr. Krabs. I’m doing it, I’m doing it!
Mr. Krabs: Quit fooling around SpongeBob, we got customers.
Narrator: But wherever there’s a secret recipe, there is someone who wants to steal it. (Plankton laughs evilly while standing in the head of a robot fish. The head falls down)
Plankton: Ouch! (robot’s arm turns into a mirror) And now for the final touch. (puts on a mustache) Perfect! With this disguise, that formula is as good as mine. (laughs then wheels himself into the restaurant)
Fish Robot: Are you SpongeBob SquarePants? (SpongeBob looks in a mirror)
SpongeBob: Why, yes—yes I am. (the fish robot holds up a big check)
Fish Robot: Then you’ve just won one million dollars! (SpongeBob gasps) You just have to answer one question. What is the Krabby Patty secret formula? (SpongeBob inhales) Yes? (SpongeBob inhales more) Yes? (SpongeBob inhales even more) Yes?!
SpongeBob: The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and is only to be discussed in part or in whole with its creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply, results may vary. (mustache falls off the robot. Plankton crashes through the teeth)
Plankton: (growls) That’s it! (jumps on SpongeBob’s nose and holds his eyelids) You’d better cough up that secret formula or else.
Mr. Krabs: Plankton!
Mr. Krabs: Plankton!
SpongeBob: SpongeBob! (Mr. Krabs grabs Plankton and a straw then puts Plankton in the straw)
Plankton: You can’t do this to me Krabs. (Mr. Krabs blows Plankton back to the Chum Bucket) I went to college! (Plankton crashes into his restaurant) Ouch!
Mr. Krabs: That Plankton is a clever beast. You’ve got to keep a sharp eye out for him, SpongeBob. The Krabby Patty law must be enforced. The future of the Krusty Krab depends on it.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry Mr. Krabs, as long as these pants are square, and this sponge is Bob, (lifts his arms up) I will not let you down!!!
Mr. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob? (he's holding Mr. Krabs) Could you let me down? (cut to later, at the Krusty Krab)
Fish: Man, these patties sure are delicious. I wonder what’s in that secret formula. (siren goes off. SpongeBob slides down the pole from the crow's nest)
SpongeBob: Code twelve, code twelve! (SpongeBob bounces off a trampoline and grabs the customer's head) Your disguises can’t fool me this time, Plankton! (pulls the head off to reveal a smaller head on the customer; everyone gasps)
Fish: Everyone at the head enhancement clinic said nobody would notice! (runs off crying)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! You’re scaring away me money!
SpongeBob: Sorry Mr. Krabs, I was just trying to protect the secret formula.
Mr. Krabs: That’s no reason to rip other people’s heads off, boy! Just remember the most important rule.
SpongeBob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No, the other most important rule. Regarding the secret formula.
SpongeBob: Only discuss the formula with Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: As long as you do that, the secret is safe.
Squidward: I always thought the most important rule was "why do today what you can put off till tomorrow?"(laughs)
Mr. Krabs: What is today, but yesterday’s tomorrow?
Squidward: Huh? (cut to Mr. Krabs and Squidward in a storage room)
Mr. Krabs: Today, I want you to take inventory on everything in here; every last pickle and patty must be accounted for.
Squidward: Aye aye, captain. (Mr. Krabs leaves. When Squidward walks over to the stock, glowing eyes appear) Two boxes of buns. Three pounds of patties.
Imitation Krabs: (mechanical voice) Mr. Squidward...
Squidward: What now, Mr. Krabs?
Imitation Krabs: That’s right, I am Krabs.
Plankton: Your boss, your ruler, your master! (laughs evilly)
Imitation Krabs: Ha, ha, ha. (exhaust smoke spurts out)
Squidward: You’re not Mr. Krabs.
Imitation Krabs: Hey, why don’t you take the rest of the day off?
Squidward: (chuckles and runs to the door) Well... whatever you say, "Mr. Krabs." (laughs) Whoopee! (runs out as SpongeBob walks in)
SpongeBob: Hi, Mr. Krabs.
Plankton: Oh, sweet domination. This is it!
SpongeBob: No sign of Plankton, yet. Gosh, Mr. Krabs. You don’t look so good. (touches his body) Ooh, you’re so cold. (knocks on his pants)
Imitation Krabs: That’s just my metal suit. I made it to protect the formula.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
Plankton: It’s that thick-headed Krabs. He’ll ruin everything.
Imitation Krabs: Look, a jellyfish. (SpongeBob takes out his net and runs around)
SpongeBob: I got it, I got it! (Plankton presses the "Abort" button. When he does, Imitation Krabs shrinks into a toaster) I got it, I got it! (Mr. Krabs enters)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! (SpongeBob stops and looks at the toaster, which releases its toast, then looks at Mr. Krabs)
SpongeBob: (knocks on Mr. Krabs' pants) Hey Mr. Krabs, what happened to your metal pants?
Mr. Krabs: Don’t get all loopy on me, boy. I need your help. And where in the high seas is Squidward?
SpongeBob: You gave him the day off.
Mr. Krabs: (pupils get smaller) Day... off!!!!! (Mr. Krabs is so mad that he makes steam come out of the chimney) I don’t know the meaning of them horrible words!! Now quit your laying around SpongeBob, and take out that garbage. It's starting to give me a rash. (exits)
SpongeBob: Yes sir, Mr. Krabs, sir. (puts a clothespin on his nose is going to take the trash out but Imitation Krabs stops him) Hey Mr. Krabs, just taking out that garbage.
Imitation Krabs: Never mind that. I need to talk to you. (takes the trash bag and vaporizes it with his laser eyes)
SpongeBob: Whoa-ho, Mr Krabs. I didn’t know you had heat vision!
Imitation Krabs: Never mind. I need you to tell me...
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
Imitation Krabs: Yoinks! (runs off)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I’m not paying you to stand around, (gives him a spatula) Get back to the kitchen.
SpongeBob: But I thought you wanted to ask me a question.
Mr. Krabs: Yes... why aren’t you working harder?
SpongeBob: I don’t know, Mr. Krabs... I don’t know. (both walk out)
Plankton: I’ll never get that formula with that pest Krabs popping in and out like that. I’ve got it! I’ve been saving this for a rainy day. (holds up a penny) It looks like an ordinary penny... because it is an ordinary penny! That fool Krabs is too greedy to ignore you, my little pretty. (laughs evilly. The penny pops out of the nose and rolls around into Mr. Krabs' office)
Mr. Krabs: That sound, it sounds like... the pitter-patter of... (sees the penny) money! (squeals) Hey, where you going, beautiful? (SpongeBob knocks on Mr. Krabs' door) SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs... (the penny slides out of the office) Wha... (Mr. Krabs busts down the door on top of SpongeBob)
Mr. Krabs: Stop! Please! (the penny slides between the crack of the doors and rolls away with Mr. Krabs running after it.) Wait! (Robot Krabs is hiding behind the sign pole)
Imitation Krabs: Nothing stands between me and that secret formula now. (snaps off some of the Krusty Krab sign pole. As he laughs evilly, the sign falls on top of him) Ouch. (cut to SpongeBob, who is scrubbing the floor)
SpongeBob: Scrub-a-dub-dub, I love to rub. (Robot Mr. Krabs rolls by) Hey Mr. Krabs, just doing a little scrubbin'.
Imitation Krabs: Hello SpongeBob, it is me, Mr. Krabs. (exhaust pipe smokes) In the flesh. (exhaust pipe smokes again) Standing right in front of you. (pipe smokes again) With no one else around.
SpongeBob: I can see that, Mr. Krabs.
Imitation Krabs: I thought we might discuss the Krabby Patty secret formula. (a microphone comes out of Imitation Krabs)
SpongeBob: Isn’t that a microphone?
Imitation Krabs: What? Oh, yes it is. (puts microphone back inside his body) I must get this shirt cleaned. Alright, now tell me the secret formula.
SpongeBob: But sir, we haven’t done the secret handshake yet.
Imitation Krabs: Oh yes. Here, let’s shake.
SpongeBob: (chuckles) We don’t shake with our hands, remember?
Imitation Krabs: Uh, right, why don’t you start?
SpongeBob: We stand on one foot. (they do) Balance a glass of chocolate milk on our heads and sing the Bikini Bottom National Anthem. (they do)
Music: "Bikini Bottom National Anthem"
Oh, Bikini Bottom, we pledge our hearts to you, As faithful, as deep, as true, as blue, Bikini Bottom, we love you!
Imitation Krabs: Formula time?
Narrator: Six and a half hours later. (Plankton grunts frantically as he gets Robot Krabs into a cannon which spits him out, through a flame ring, and onto a chair at a table. He opens up the robot's belt buckle and dumps some spaghetti in there)
Imitation Krabs: Yum yum, this spaghetti sure is good. Belch.
Music: "The Spaghetti Song"
Meatball, Meatball, Spaghetti underneath. Ravioli, Ravioli, Great barrier reef! (They clap)
Imitation Krabs: Okay, now let’s hear that formula.
SpongeBob: Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs. (Robot Krabs's eyes are on fire)
Imitation Krabs: WHAT?!
Plankton: BUT WE DID EVERYTHING YOU SAID! I FOLLOWED ALL THE RULES! I EVEN ATE 105 BLACK LICORICE JELLYBEANS THROUGH A STRAW!
Imitation Krabs: Now why can’t you tell me the formula?
SpongeBob: It’s your rule. Never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in...this bottle. (holds up a bottle with a piece of paper in it)
Plankton: (Overly excited and tense) This is it, Plankton. Gently, now... (pushes on a lever that makes Robot Krabs' arm stretch out more. A penny rolls through the door and Mr. Krabs comes in. Everyone gasps, including the guy on the penny)
Mr. Krabs: (Gasp)
Guy on the Penny: (Gasp)
Imitation Krabs: Gasp!
Mr. Krabs: How could you do this to me, SpongeBob? Giving me secret formula to this impostor!
Imitation Krabs: Don’t listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, no! Don’t listen to him. I’m the real Mr. Krabs.
Imitation Krabs: Don’t listen to him. He’s obviously a robot. (exhaust pipe smokes)
Mr. Krabs: Well, if I was a robot, which I’m not, at least I’m well put together. Not some rusted-out, steam-driven piece of junk!
Imitation Krabs: Who are you calling steam-driven.....?
SpongeBob: QUIET! (SpongeBob is holding a giant hose that is attached to a giant machine of tarter sauce) Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.
Mr. Krabs & Robot Krabs: Tarter sauce?
Mr. Krabs: Take it easy with that thing, son. (SpongeBob squirts some tartar sauce at Mr. Krabs causing him to jump into Robot Krabs' arms)
SpongeBob: I’ll do the talking around here. I think I’ll just ask you two a couple of questions. Questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
Mr. Krabs: Okay then.
SpongeBob: First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
Imitation Krabs: 9:30am.
SpongeBob: Right. (to Mr. Krabs) That’s one strike, Mr. Fake.
Mr. Krabs: But...
SpongeBob: Nuh-uh-uh! I’m running this quiz show, I’ll ask the questions. If there’s gonna be any 'buts', they’re gonna be from me. Okay, question number two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost?
Mr. Krabs: $2.99.
SpongeBob: On Wednesday...
Imitation Krabs: 99 cents.
SpongeBob: Right again! (to Mr. Krabs) You’re starting to look pretty phony right about now. I’d be nervous if I were you. Now only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this—if we’re discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it’s not raining outside after we’ve gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
Mr. Krabs: That’s an easy one. You just...just... let’s see... if its..uh.. if it’s January... with...with vanilla pudding...you...uh...pass? (SpongeBob squirts Mr. Krabs with tartar sauce and into a fry basket) No, SpongeBob! Give me another chance. (SpongeBob then rolls the basket out of the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: So long, Imitation Krabs! Buh-bye! (walks back inside) I knew it was you all along Mr. Krabs, here you go. (holds up the formula bottle)
Imitation Krabs: Thank you, Sponge Dupe. (grabs bottle and laughs mechanically. SpongeBob sees a penny on the ground)
SpongeBob: Oop! Don’t forget your lucky penny. (puts the penny inside a slot on Robot Krabs that is labeled "Self- Destruct: 1 cent")
Imitation Krabs: Yoinks.
SpongeBob: This must be your lucky day. (laughs)
Karen: The self-destruct coin slot has been activated. Ten seconds till detonation.
Plankton: Coin-operated self-destruct? Not one of my better ideas.
Imitation Krabs: HEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!! (screams as he wheels back to the Chum Bucket but explodes when he gets inside; giant hand comes down on top of him)
Plankton: Ouch. (the formula bottle rolls back to the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: If that was Plankton... uh-oh!
Mr. Krabs: Help! Help!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! (runs to Mr. Krabs, who is in a fry basket and being attack by Hans)
Mr. Krabs: Back you hungry hand, back! Help! (SpongeBob wheels Mr. Krabs back to the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Gee, Mr. Krabs. I’m sorry. I thought you were a phony.
Mr. Krabs: Phew, that’s okay, me lad. Long as the secret formula’s safe again. (takes the bottle) However, that penny’s coming out of your paycheck. (both laugh)