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(Kyla and Patchitt are giggling as they toss and catch a ball with each other. At one point, while the ball is in mid-air, Wizzar magically appears and catches it.)

KYLA / PATCHITT: Wizzar!

WIZZAR: (laughs)

(The Grumplins are spying on the Monchichis from a bush)

HORGG: Oh, now I hate those Monchichis!

SCUMGOR: What are we gonna to do to 'em this time, boss?

SNOGS: We should hide their bananas.

SCUMGOR: We should put glue on the floor so they'll step in it.

HORGG: NO! No more penny ante bullshit! Turns out you can buy these almost anywhere! (takes out an assault rifle and cocks it)

SCUMGOR: Ooh-hoo-hoo, that's better than what I had!

(Cut to the Grumplins pointing their rifles at the Monchichis from behind; they hand their hands in the air)

SNOGS: Ha-ha! We got you now, Monchichis!

KYLA: Now what, you evil jerks?

HORGG: You can go free...if you make it to the other SIDE!

PATCHITT: What's in the water?

HORGG: (chuckles evilly) You'll soon find out.

(Scumgor fires his rifle rapidly into the air)

PATCHITT: (whispering) Psst, Wizzar, use your magic!

WIZZAR: My magic's no match for getting shot through the back of the head, you little asshole! (laughs)

KYLA: Hey, where's Moncho?

(Cut to some bushes; the camera trucks into the bushes to reveal Moncho, in full Rambo gear, wielding a bow and arrow)

MONCHO: RRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

(Moncho jumps out of the bushes and lauches his arrow, which flies into Snogs's eye and kills him)

HORGG: RUN AWAY! (he and Scumgor panic and run)

(Moncho has cornered Scumgor and is armed with another arrow)

SCUMGOR: I just wanted to put glue...!

(Moncho launches the arrow into Scumgor's neck, killing him)

HORGG: YOU MOTHERFUCKING MONCHICHI!

(Moncho launches several arrows into Horgg, who stumbles around)

HORGG: I taste...applesauce. Why does everything taste like...?

(Moncho launches one more arrow at Horgg, killing him)

PATCHITT: Well, let's walk out of here.

KYLA: He-he, you go first.

MONCHO: WAIT!

(Patchitt steps on a mine and gets blown up)

KYLA: Uh...okay. I guess that way is safe, then.

MONCHO: STOP!

(Kyla steps on a mine and gets blown up)

MONCHO: NOBODY MOVE!

(Tootoo, sucking her thumb, prepares to take a step)

MONCHO: WAIT!

(Tootoo steps on a mine and gets blown up)

MONCHO: STOP!

(Thumkii stumbles around making monkey sounds before he steps on a mine and gets blown up)

MONCHO: OH GOD! OH GOD!

WIZZAR: (shakes nervously)

MONCHO: WIZZAR! I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THERE, MAN!

WIZZAR: No! If I'm gonna die, it's going to be on MY TERM!

(Wizzar blasts himself in the head with his magic scepter, killing himself, and falls onto the mine field. His corpse gets blown up, and his disembodied arm and hat fall into Moncho's hands. Moncho drops them and shouts to the sky.)

MONCHO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!!

(Cut to Moncho piloting a jungle cruise boat with three female Christian missionairies as passangers)

LADY: Hi. What's your name?

MONCHO: Moncho.

LADY: Thanks for taking us down the river. No one else would.

MONCHO: You want my advice? Go home.

LADY: But we're making the world a better place.

MONCHO: ...Fuck the world.

(static)


A patient and a doctor are conversing.

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is...you've got prostate cancer.

The patient is shocked.

Patient: Well, then what's the good news?!

Doctor: Well, as part of the treatment, you are in for a lot of ass play. I mean, so, you're into that. Jackpot!

Sketch ends


Freddy Krueger from The Nightmare on Elm Street movie series is looking at himself in the mirror along with his wife Loretta.

Loretta Krueger: Freddy, why don't you wear that nice sweater Kathryn got you for Father's Day?

Freddy Krueger: (sighs) I'm not really a sweater guy.

Loretta Krueger: Oh, pooh! She'll be so happy seeing you wearing her gift.

Freddy Krueger: But it's itchy.

Cut to the Krueger family eating dinner and Freddy is wearing his trademark sweater. Freddy is constantly scratching himself while trying to eat.

Kathryn Krueger: And daddy?

Freddy Krueger: Yes, honey?

Kathryn Krueger: You know where I got it?

Freddy Krueger: No, honey.

Kathryn Krueger: The School Bazaar!

Freddy Krueger: Well, that's nice, honey.

Kathryn Krueger: And you know what else?

Freddy Krueger: No, sweetie.

Kathryn Krueger pulls out a fedora and places it on the table.

Kathryn Krueger: I also bought you a hat.

Freddy Krueger: Oh, that's great, darling!

Kathryn Krueger: Can you wear it now?

Freddy Krueger: Well, fedoras don't really go with sweaters, sweetie.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: No, they don't.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: No, they don't.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy gets up from the table and scratches himself like crazy while shouting obscenities.

Freddy Krueger: What is this made of, pubes?! I can't stop scratching this fucking sweater!

Kathryn starts crying.

Kathryn Krueger: Daddy doesn't like his gifts.

Freddy becomes calm again and sits back down.

Freddy Krueger: No, no, no. I'm sorry, honey. Daddy loves his gifts.

Freddy scratches himself again. Cut to the Krueger's basement and Freddy is now wearing his trademark fedora and he's also putting on his trademark glove with claws.

Freddy Krueger: Fucking itching sweater! Fucking stupid School Bazaar!

Freddy is now scratching himself with the clawed glove and sighs in relief.

Freddy Krueger: Oh! Oh, Mary! That's the stuff.

The sound of a door opening and closing is heard and Kathryn comes in to see her father.

Kathryn Krueger: Hi, daddy!

Freddy Krueger: Oh, hi sweetie!

Kathryn Krueger: You know what else I got you?

Freddy Krueger: No, honey. What?

Kathryn pulls out a tie.

Kathryn Krueger: A tie!

Freddy pretends to be surprised.

Freddy Krueger: Wow! Thank you, sweetie.

Kathryn Krueger: Can you wear it now?

Freddy Krueger: Well, ties definitely don't go with sweaters, sweetheart.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: No, they don't.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: Oh, for the love of God, stop shopping at school! No more hats! No more sweaters! No more School Bazaars!

Freddy Krueger runs off in a rampage. Cut to the School Bazaar in the school gymnasium and Freddy bashes himself in. He pushes a bunch of presents off of a table.

Freddy Krueger: No more crappy gifts!

A woman grabs her child.

Woman: Oh, my God! That man is attacking our children!

Freddy Krueger: What?! No, no. You got it all wrong. It's the gifts that I hate.

Woman: Child abuser!

An angry mob forms and Freddy backs into a table with candles on it. One of the candles rolls into a bucket of solvent which leads a trail of fire to an outlet octopus. The results end with the entire gymnasium set on fire and Freddy is trapped in the flames.

Freddy Krueger: Wait, you don't understand! It's an itchy sweater!

Three dream demons appear before Freddy in the flames.

Demon: Freddy Krueger! We have searched the mortal world for the angriest soul. We offer you the chance to be for all eternity!

Freddy Krueger: Aw, hell! If it just- If it gets me out of this mess, then I'll take it. Just let me take off this itchy sweater-

Demon: It is done!

Freddy Krueger: What?! Not with the sweater and the fedora! Aw, come-

The demons look embarrassed.

Freddy Krueger: Well, at least I got my complexion.

The flames swallow Freddy.

Sketch ends


{The Living Lohan Title card is shown}

Announcer: And now back to Living Lohan.

Dina Lohan: Ali, who drank all the (fucking) orange juice?

Ali Lohan: I don't know mom, maybe the (fucking) Orange Juice Fairy did it!

Dina: Don't get smart with me!

Ali: Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!

Both: I NEED A CIGARETTE!!

Dina: Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?

{Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! {Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo} Oops, supposed to be me.

Ali: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.

Ali: I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Aren't you a little young to be smoking?

Ali: Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! {Ali jumps off the fence}

Daniel's Mother: Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: What? Awww, poop!

{Goes to Lindsay's kitchen}

Lindsay Lohan: Go to hell, mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. {makes "cut" sign to camera man} I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! {doorbell rings} Who in god's green Smurf are you?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!

Lindsay: Okay, nothing you said made any sense!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Don't let your dog go poopie!

Lindsay: Oh, OH!! {Flashback to one nighttime} Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fermalizing the lawn, aah! {back to present} Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

{At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Firebolt! Firebolt!

Terrence: Freezearrow! FreezeArrow!

Nerd: Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...

Lindsay: Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! {hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence}

Terrence: Hey!

Lindsay: Loud horn! (Fuck) You! Good job, Herbie!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.

Lindsay: Herbie is magic, idiot! {kicks nerd down} Beep beep!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it!

Lindsay: Aughh! Why are you always following me? {Cues cameraman to come closer, whispers} Follow me.

Munson: ...and in this corner, it's Munson! {steps on Terrence}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Get out of here, Munson!

Munson: {Knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him} Munson one, gay crap zero!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!

Lindsay: Beep, beep!. {Looks at Munson} Oooh, a bad boy!

Munson: Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. {slaps Gyro-Robo} Hey baby, I got a silo...

Lindsay: I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!

{Daniel is watching Living Lohan on TV}

Lindsay: Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!! (the camera zooms out, revealing that Lindsay has a pregnant stomach)

Dina: Well, so am I! (The camera turns to Dina, who also has a baby bump.)

Lindsay: Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!

Dina: (Fuck) You!

(Cuts to Ali, who enters the room, smoking a cigarette. She also has a baby bump.)

Ali: Why didn't anyone pick me up after my (fucking) ultrasound?!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Ah, looks like I'm moving again.

Dina: I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!

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