This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Hall Monitor" from season 1, which aired on August 28, 1999.
Narrator: Mrs. Puff’s Boating School. Where diligent students learn the rules of the road.
Mrs. Puff: Everyone, put down your books, because it’s time to pick out the hall monitor of the day! (SpongeBob squeezes his pencil so hard it shoots up into the air) Let’s see here. This week's hall monitor will be Bart, Jimmy, no, no, Tina, Ralph, mm... (gasps) ...SpongeBob. (SpongeBob moves his desk between 2 rows) It's Jimmy! Jimmy’s the hall monitor.
Jimmy: Mrs. Puff, I’ve done it already! (SpongeBob moves his desk closer)
Mrs. Puff: Ohh...Phil?
Phil: No way, Mrs. Puff. (SpongeBob moves his desk closer)
Mrs. Puff: Uhh, Tina, you’re the hall monitor.
Tina: Hey, I’ve done it three times already! (SpongeBob moves up closer)
Mrs. Puff: B-B-Beth!
Student: She graduated!
Mrs. Puff: Henry? (SpongeBob moves closer) Vera? (SpongeBob moves closer) Clayton? (SpongeBob is poking Mrs. Puff with his desk as she sighs) Alright, I guess I have no choice. (gulps) The hall monitor of the day is SpongeBob. (SpongeBob launches into the air)
SpongeBob: Yahoo! Hall monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma’am! I am ready to assume my position...in the hall! I will protect all that are weak...in the hall! All rules will be enforced...in the hall!
Mrs. Puff: Ok! Just take the hat and belt. (tries handing him uniform)
SpongeBob: I can’t except that yet, ma’am. First I have to make my speech.
Mrs. Puff: You can’t make this easy, can you?
SpongeBob: Classmates!! Who am I to deserve such a great honor? Why, I would be nothing without Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: Give me a break.
SpongeBob: And to my public, all I can say is I’m touched. And furthermore, I will carry out my duties... (clock moves forward in time as SpongeBob continues his speech) ...crime and punishment, punishment and crime in the hall! (at this point, everyone is almost asleep) Which reminds me of an extremely long speech written by the greatest hall monitor of all time. (takes out a long roll of paper) “Friends, students, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears.” (the clock has disappeared, and it is now much later in the day. Puff is asleep at her desk) In conclusion, and without a moment to spare, I will put on this uniform (takes out the hat and belt) and assume my duties as... (puts on the uniform) ...hall monitor! Wish me luck, Mrs. Puff! (walks towards the door then turns around) Oh, and I will be... (bell rings as all students run over SpongeBob)
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, are you ok?
SpongeBob: I overdid the speech again, didn’t I?
Mrs. Puff: I’m afraid so.
SpongeBob: Aww, tarter sauce. I guess I won’t be needing this. (takes off his uniform) I hardly knew ya. (gives uniform to Mrs. Puff and walks away saddened)
Mrs. Puff: Uhh...SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.
SpongeBob: A-hoo! (dives into the uniform) Thanks, Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: What are the consequences of what I’ve just done? (cut to SpongeBob walking down the street. Then notices a broken traffic light)
SpongeBob: Broken traffic light! Who’s to say my monitor duties should end just because the bell rang? I could be helpful anywhere! This looks like a job for the hall monitor! (directs traffic, with a whistle, to their destination using all sorts of hand gestures but ends up causing a huge wreck in the end) What would this town do without you, SpongeBob?
Fred: My leg! My leg.
SpongeBob: On patrol. I’m on patrol. (notices a house with an open window) Uh-oh, an open window. (peeks through the window and there is a couple eating) Woman: More seaweed medley, dear?
SpongeBob: The fools. They’ve left themselves susceptible to danger. I must show them the error of their ways through example. (jumps through the window and onto their table in a ski mask) I’m the open window maniac! (both run out screaming) I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson! (shuts the window and begins walking again) On patrol. I'm on patrol. I'm on patrol... (gasps as he sees a puddle of pink goo on the ground) Vandals! Another crime. (takes his finger and tastes the pink goo) Strawberry. I must act! (more pink goo falls on his head. He looks up and sees Patrick eating some strawberry ice cream) Patrick... (looks around for the voice he just heard) Patrick... Patrick...
Patrick: My ice cream! It’s alive! (screams and throws away the ice cream)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Down here!
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, it’s you. (ice cream cone is on SpongeBob’s face)
SpongeBob: Patrick. Come down here. (Patrick jumps down on top of SpongeBob)
Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I’m down here.
Patrick: Hehe, you look funny! Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: That’s hall monitor to you!
Patrick: Sorry, officer.
SpongeBob: Sorry’s not good enough, Patrick. You’ve committed a crime, and I’m taking you in.
Patrick: What crime? (shows him the ice cream that is on the ground) I’m a bad person! (cries)
Paperboy: Extra! Extra! Maniac strikes Bikini Bottom! City paralyzed with fear! (gives one to SpongeBob) Take it, friends. Arm yourselves with knowledge. (runs off) Extra! Extra!
SpongeBob: (reads paper) Maniac. Bikini Bottom? Car wreck? Break-in? Who better to bring this maniac to justice than me, the hall monitor! But I can’t handle this case alone. Patrick, are you ready to give up your life of crime?
Patrick: (still crying) I wanna be good!
SpongeBob: Hmmm...now you just need a symbol of authority. (Patrick puts the ice cream cone on his head) Perfect! It is our duty to catch this maniac and bring him to justice! But how to proceed? Listen, deputy, you’re an ex-criminal. What would you do?
Patrick: Hmmm...I’d get an ice cream! (both walk out an ice cream store with ice cream)
SpongeBob: Ok, now what?
Patrick: Hmmm... (both come out the ice cream store again with ice cream)
SpongeBob: This isn't working. We’ve got to do something else. Something with walkie-talkies! (takes out two walkie-talkies. Patrick grabs one and is elated with joy) And now, duty calls! Alright deputy, I’ll go that way, you go some different way! Run 'em out! (SpongeBob runs off sounding like a siren. The police come driving up and stop beside Patrick)
Officer Durado: Afternoon, son.
Patrick: Hello, brothers. (salutes to the officers and points to his 'hat')
Officer Durado: Son, we’re looking for the maniac.
Officer Malley: Have you seen this man?! (officer #2 whips out a sign that says 'WANTED MANIAC' with SpongeBob’s picture on it. Patrick screams)
Patrick: It’s the maniac! Take him away! Take him away!
Officer Durado: Calm down son. It’s just a drawing, not the real thing. Now we’re going to show you the picture again, and you tell us if you’ve seen this guy, understand?
Patrick: Yeah, uh-huh.
Officer Durado: Ok. (officer Malley shows Patrick the sign again)
Patrick: (screams) Horrible! (puts picture away. Both officers look at each other and smile. Officer #2 takes away and shows the sign to Patrick as he screams every time.)
Officer Durado: Stay indoors, son.
Officer Malley: And, uhh, take that cone off your head. (both laugh as they drive off)
Patrick: (takes out walkie-talkie) SpongeBob? Come in, SpongeBob. Answer.
SpongeBob: SpongeBob here, Patrick. Report.
Patrick: (over walkie-talkie) I don’t wanna be a policeman anymore! I’m scared!
SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself deputy.
Patrick: (over walkie-talkie) I wanna go home!
SpongeBob: Poor rookie. Alright, I’m on my way back.
Patrick: Hurry SpongeBob, I think it’s getting... (day becomes night) ...dark.
SpongeBob: Just put on your siren and I’ll be right there.
Patrick: Wee-woo. Wee-woo. Wee-woo. Wee-woo. (Patrick picks up the sign that the officers showed him earlier. Then sees a darkish figure down the road. It's SpongeBob but Patrick doesn't realize it) Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! SpongeBob! I see him!
SpongeBob: (over walkie-talkie) Where is he, Patrick?
Patrick: (over walkie-talkie) At the intersection of Conch and Coral. (SpongeBob turns his head around to read the street sign)
SpongeBob: That's where I am. He’s right on top of me, but I can’t see him! What’s he doing?
Patrick: Uhh, he’s just standing there...menacingly! (screams over walkie-talkie) Get out of there, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob screams) That’s his maniac screech. He’s going to attack! (SpongeBob runs around in circles) He’s acting all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! (SpongeBob hides behind the building) No, he’s behind that building! Oh, quick, hide behind that street sign! (SpongeBob hides behind the street sign) No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! (SpongeBob gets under the street lights) No wait, he’s there, too! Run for your life! (SpongeBob jumps inside a mailbox. As he tries to relax, the radio is cutting out)
SpongeBob: (over walkie-talkie) Say again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac is in the mailbox! (SpongeBob pokes his arms and legs through the mailbox and runs through buildings and a fence)
SpongeBob: (takes a look at the 'wanted' sign) Huh, this guy’s not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick, I’m the maniac! (Patrick screams and a bunch of police cars surround SpongeBob)
Officer Durado: We’ll take that as a confession. (Mrs. Puff appears)
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are! I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Officer #1: You know this guy?
Mrs. Puff: Of course I do. I’m the one who gave him the uniform in the first place. He’s my responsibility. (the cops stare at her) Uh-oh... (at the boating school where the whole class, except SpongeBob, is sleeping. Mrs. Puff is teaching class from jail through the TV) Now in conclusion, class: red means stop, green means go. And SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: I’d like to see you after class. Six months from now.