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Mr. Pickles: Season: 1 Episode: 3


  • (This episode begins at the Indians)
  • Build Guy: [As Native American] How. White Man come with iron buffalo.
  • Indian: I know what a bulldozer is. You can't build here. The land is on top an ancient indian burial ground.
  • Build Guy: [Normal Voice] Well, that's why we're gonna dig this up, build condos, then put the ancient indian burial ground back on the roof. And make it up to you, here's two tickets to a baseball game, okay?
  • Indian: But there are four of us.
  • Build Guy: Well, I guess you'll have to scalp some. (Laughs) Let's see -- put the jucuzzis right here and -- Agh!
  • Tommy: Mr. Pickles! Oh, boy! My first baseball game! Maybe I can catch a ball.
  • Beverly: Honey, let me drop you off and take the truck.
  • Stanley: But whenever you borrow my truck, it comes back with a new dent.
  • Beverly: [Singsong voice] You won't have to pay for parking.
  • Stanley: Mm!
  • Tommy: Aren't you excited, Mr. Pickles?
  • Beverly: Oh, Mr. Pickles!
  • Grandpa: You can't bring that dog to the game. He's been cutting people's heads off. I've seen him do it.
  • Beverly: Mr. Pickles! You're having a hard time with this water. [Chuckles]
  • Grandpa: Hmm.
  • Sheriff: Morning Goodmans!
  • All: Morning!
  • Mr. Pickles: [Barks]
  • Sheriff: Mr. Bojenkins is teaching me how to crip-walk. Sweet!
  • Mr. Bojenkins: Remember, now -- heel, toe, heel, toe.
  • Sheriff: Like this?
  • Mr. Bojenkins: Nope.
  • Grandpa: Sheriff, Mr. Pickles is cutting people's head off.
  • Beverly and Stan: [Groans]
  • Mr. Bojenkins: Remember the time he told us Mr. Pickles forced him to wear that dead possum like a diaper?
  • Both: [Chuckles]
  • Tommy: Whoa! Look at all the indians! Bye-Mom!
  • Stanley: Bye, dear.
  • Beverly: Have fun at the game.
  • Stanley: Remember, no new dents on my truck.
  • Announcer: Today, the old town featherheads take on the Southville worms! 'course, some folks want the featherheads name to change, calling it racist. But they've been unsuccessful, just like my son, who dropped out of college to become a mime. Anyhoo, today, we've got a special guest in the crowd -- Miss Fulton, the oldest person in old town. She's 119 years young, and we are honored to have her here.
  • Miss Fulton: You can eat my ass!
  • Stanley: Well, it looks like these are seats -- foul-ball territory.
  • Tommy: Maybe I can catch a foul ball!
  • Miss Fulton: I'll show you how to catch some balls!
  • Stanley: Hey! Ho!
  • Beverly: [Sighs] Oh. Excuse me. Traffic. Well, here we go.
  • Hank: Aaaaaah!
  • Beverly: Oh, my goodness! I cut your legs off!
  • Hank: [Slurring] Well, don't give yourself so much credit.
  • Beverly: Huh?
  • Hank: I had my legs cut off so I could sneak booze into places. O-One for whisky, one for soda. Drink?
  • Beverly: Um, no, thanks.
  • Hank: I'm having a tailgate party. Wanna come?
  • Beverly: I'm not really baseball fan. [Sighs] Well, I guess could go for a little while.
  • Hank: Come on!
  • Demon: Kiss Cam!
  • Fan: You're on the Kiss Cam, buddy?
  • Stanley: The what?
  • Fan: Kiss cam.
  • Woman: Kiss me!
  • Stanley: Uh, sorry, everybody. We're not together. [Laughing Nervously]
  • Woman: Screw you, jerk!
  • Crowd: Boo!
  • Guy: What, do you hate America?
  • Tommy: Boo! This is fun!
  • Stanley: Yeah, uh, you know what? Maybe I'll go grab us some snacks.
  • Tommy: And I'll stay here and catch a foul ball.
  • Stanley: Okay, son. Hot dogs!
  • Grandpa: Huh? No! I won't let you do it!
  • Woman: Why? Because we're gay?
  • Grandpa: What?! That dog was gonna cut your head off. Oh, it's fake.
  • Woman: What are you, crazy?!
  • Tommy: Boo!
  • Peanut Vendor: Peanuts! Get your peanuts! And cocaine. Peanuts!
  • Announcer: It's Jim "Fouler" Johnson at the plate. He's never hit a fair ball in his 22-year career. Fouler, of course, the all-time foul-ball leader, closing in on 30, 000 foul balls, giving new meaning to the word "Failure." And another failure, my son, who tuned to selling his body for alcohol. And here's the pitch!
  • Tommy: I hope I catch one soon. My arm sure is tired.
  • Grandpa: You can do it, Tommy.
  • Peanut Vendor: Just a little bump.
  • Announcer: Curving foul!
  • Tommy: Aw, darn it!
  • Blind Guy: Hey! What are you, blind? I'm blind!
  • Tommy: Maybe I'll catch the next one.
  • Announcer: That was foul ball 29, 999 for Fouler. The next one could fetch a hefty sum with collectors.
  • Mysterious Man: Hmm.
  • Announcer: High five ball!
  • Tommy: It's coming this way!
  • Mysterious Man: Out of my way!
  • Blind Guy: Where's the ball, boy? Where's the ball, boy?
  • Mr. Pickles: [Speaking Demonically]
  • Dog: [Whimpers]
  • Announcer: Foul!
  • Tommy: I did it!
  • Announcer: That ball could be worth a lot of money, folks.
  • Miss Fulton: That ugly kid has the ball!
  • Tommy: Cool, huh?
  • Miss Fulton: Get him!
  • Tommy: Uh-oh!
  • Mr. Pickles: [Growls]
  • Grandpa: You want him?! You go through me!
  • All: [Indistinct Shouting]
  • Mysterious Man: Kid, come with me! You'll be safe!
  • Grandpa: Where did he go?! Tommy? Tommy?!
  • Blind Guy: Has anybody seen my dog?
  • Guy: [Chanting]
  • Hank: And that's how I ended up sleeping with a mime. Just kidding -- maybe. Drink?
  • Beverly: Uh, no, thanks. It is quiet over here.
  • Hank: Well, nobody wants to tailgate with a guy who's been drinking all by himself.
  • Beverly: Well... maybe just a sip.
  • Hank: [Chuckles]
  • Guy: Hey! Y'll partying?
  • Man: Can we use your grill?
  • Hank: Well, sure you can use grill.
  • Sheriff's sister: Bottom's up.
  • Hank: Hi!
  • Stanley: Ugh!
  • Devil: Kiss cam!
  • Husband: Oh, my god. Kiss my wife! Kiss my wife!
  • Stanley: Sorry -- no.
  • Husband: What? She not good for you?
  • Stanley: No, I just -- Agh!
  • Grandpa: Tommy?! Tommy?! That's his glove!
  • Mr. Pickles: [Barks]
  • Grandpa: Show me where he is. I can't believe I'm following you. But for once, maybe you are being good boy.
  • Mr. Pickles: [Barks]
  • Grandpa: He's in here? Tommy's not in -- Huh? Hey! Mr. Pickles! Oh, no!
  • Mr. Pickles: [Panting]
  • Security: [Snoring]
  • Mr. Pickles: [Panting]
  • Mysterious Man: That's a very special ball you have.
  • Tommy: I'm gonna get it autographed.
  • Mysterious Man: As you can see, I collect very valuable collectibles. Perhaps I can take care of that ball for you.
  • Linda: I got collectibles, too, baby. Wanna trade? Ooh! How 'bout antique baseball hat?
  • Mysterious Man: That's a jockstrap!
  • Linda: Ooh! What's this one do?
  • Mysterious Man: Put that back!
  • Linda: Oh! What's that?
  • Mysterious Man: Don't touch that!
  • Linda: Ooh! What's that?
  • Mysterious Man: Hey! Where'd that boy go?!
  • Linda: Nice doing business with ya! [Chuckles]
  • Mr. Pickles: [Whimpers]
  • Peanut Vendor: Cocaine! Get your cocaine! [Sniffs, Sighs] [Gasps]
  • Mr. Pickles: [Panting]
  • Tommy: Hello? Anyone here?
  • Jim: [Sobbing]
  • Tommy: You're Jim "Fouler" Johnson!
  • Jim: Yup -- biggest failure in baseball history. But I'm moving on.
  • Tommy: But before you go, I wanted to get you to sign --
  • Jim: Whatever!
  • Tommy: But I --
  • Jim: I said, "Shut up!"
  • Timmy: No, you didn't! So you shut up! Anyway, you hit this ball right to me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I know it's a special ball, so I thought you should have it.
  • Jim: That's the best thing anybody has ever --
  • Tommy: Catch!
  • Jim: Oow! [Sobbing]
  • Tommy: Hey! Where you going?
  • Grandpa: Help! Tommy! Ohhh. I'm so hot in here.
  • Crowd: Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!
  • Beverly: [Slurring] Okay!
  • Crowd: [Cheers]
  • Beverly: There you are!
  • Hank: It's a great party! But nobody likes me.
  • Beverly: Hey!
  • Girl: Huh?
  • Beverly: Meet Hank. He cut off his legs so he can sneak booze whenever he wants.
  • Girl: Cool! I use my bra to smuggle food.
  • Hank: Drink?
  • Girl: Sandwich? Quesadilla?
  • Hank: Oh, wow, you got a lot of stuff in there.
  • Girl: Calm chowder?
  • Hank: Uh-huh!
  • Jim: [Voice breaking] Tommy, all I've ever hit was foul balls, and I thought myself as a failure. But you made me realize these foul balls mean something to somebody.
  • Tommy: Wow! Thanks!
  • Jim: So I'm gonna hit the best foul ball anybody's ever seen!
  • Tommy: I believe in you, Mr. Fouler.
  • Mysterious Man: [Grunts]
  • Tommy: My ball!
  • Mysterious Man: Ball! [Laughs]
  • Mr. Pickles: [Growls]
  • Tommy: It's okay, boy. The game's almost over. Come on!
  • Mr. Pickles: [Whimpers]
  • Stanley: Ah, finally. What?! $25 for a soda?!
  • Floyd: Then you can drink the soda and fill it with free ketchup, then drink the ketchup.
  • Stanley: Floyd. [Chuckles] Well, it's uh, nice to see you outside the office.
  • Floyd: Boss is here, too.
  • Stanley: Huh?
  • Stanley's Boss: Goodman, you're on the kiss cam, okay?
  • Devil: Kiss cam!
  • Stanley: Oh, come on!
  • Floyd: Kiss me, Mr. Goodman. [Smooches]
  • Stanley: Oh, no!
  • Crowd: Boo!
  • Stanley: Uh, pardon me. Excuse me.
  • Tommy: Over here, Dad! What took you so long?!
  • Miss Fulton: Gimme that!
  • Stanley: What? I was just -- [Groans]
  • Announcer: Still tied at 0-0 -- also the number of times of my wife has told me she loves me. And that's strike two!
  • Grandpa: [Groaning] Stay grounded, Grandpa. You're just hallucinating from the steam. It's not real. Oh-ho! It's not real! It's not real! Ahh!
  • Mysterious Man: I-It is real! Agh!
  • Mr. Pickles: [Barks]
  • Announcer: And Fouler back at the plate.
  • Jim: This one's going foul. boys.
  • Announcer: Looks like he's predicting he'll hit he'll hit this foul, doesn't make sense.
  • Tommy and Stanley: Yay!
  • Announcer: But neither does BMI. Please deal with reality. And here's the pitch! That ball doesn't look like it's going foul.
  • Jim: Huh?!
  • Announcer: That ball is... a home run!
  • Miss Fulton: Agghh!
  • Announcer: Oh, no!
  • Stanley: Hey! She's drowning!
  • Devil: Kiss cam!
  • Stanley: Huh?! No, no, no, no!
  • Announcer: And Jim "Fouler" Johnson winning the ball game! Sadly, he'll go down in history as a murderer. And we have a streaker, folks!
  • Grandpa: ... Is trying to cut my head off!
  • Sheriff: You're under arrest!
  • Announcer: That is one crazy, old naked man!
  • Mr. Bojenkins: That Grandpa sure is crazy. But Sheriff actually got some moves.
  • Sheriff: Zippity-Zoooooo!
  • Announcer: And that's the ball game, folks!
  • Hank: Well, thanks for everything.
  • Beverly: Baseball!
  • Girl: You're disgusting. Let's go, baby.
  • Hank: Okay. Bye.
  • Stanley: Beverly?
  • Tommy: You smell like medicine.
  • Beverly: But at least I didn't dent the truck. [Hiccups] Gimme a kiss! Gimme a kiss!
  • Stanley: Kiss?! No!
  • Both: [Gasps]
  • Tommy: Mom, are you okay?
  • Stanley: Come on, Tommy. Let's get her to the shop -- I'm mean, home.
  • Tommy: Where's Mr. Pickles?
  • Stanley: He'll find his way home. He always does.
  • Floyd: Mm. Nice costume.
  • Indian: Stupid white people and their games. Hey-a, what's this over here?
  • Newspaper Guy: Breaking news! Native americans buy the old town featherheads. Rename the town "Old town stupid white people"! Ay, what's up, dog?!
  • Stanley: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs, here! [Chuckles]
  • Tommy: Wow! Peanuts, too? Hey! It's Jim "Fouler" Foulball!
  • Beverly: Baseball!
  • Stanley: Yes, just be quiet, please.
  • Beverly: [Hiccups]
  • Tommy: Good boy, Mr. Pickles.
  • Mr. Pickles: [Barks]
  • [End of Foul Ball]

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