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Fort Collins
Mars in Cartman's fantasy.
Cartman
[jumps] Whee! [waves at someone far away] Hi! [looks at a human city] So cool! [leaps towards the city]
Unnamed characters 1 and 2
[wave at Cartman] Hi!
Unnamed character 3
[waves at Cartman] Hi!
Cartman
Hi! [stops and sees a roller coaster] Dude, Mars rules. [leaps to the roller coaster] Mars rules!
M Burger. Cartman is smiling while on a date with Heidi.
Heidi
What are you thinking about, Babe?
Cartman
Just thinking about how much we could accomplish if... people weren't so close-minded.
Heidi
You're worried about him again, aren't you? Your friend, Kyle?
Cartman
[sighs] He's not a bad person, Heidi.
Heidi
Then talk to him babe. Tell him what we're doing. Maybe you can get him back.
Cartman
You're right. You're right, Heidi.
The Broflovski residence. Gerald is at his office trolling people.
Gerald
[repeatedly clicks on keyboard and talks softly] Ha ha, yeah. I'm yours, bitch. Ha ha. [speaks louder]. Suck it! [moves the mouse] How about a dick in your mouth?! There you go! Ha ha, ha ha ha ha. [notices the door bell ringing] Aw! [walks to the front door, and opens it]
Trolls
Hi Skankhunt!
Gerald
[gets shocked] Ah! [tries looking behind him] What are you guys doing here?!
Dick
We came to celebrate!
PurpleheadedQueeflicker
Not everyday you troll a whole country.
Anonymous821
[showed a case of John Adams beer] We brought some beer. Let's have a trolling party.
[The trolls have sat down and laughed each other]
PurpleheadedQueeflicker
We did it!
Dick
I think if anything, we proved that trolls really can have an effect on the world.
Trolls
Yeah! Yeah!
Troll 7
You said it!
SupersexyLisa18
Thanks to us!
Dick
And I think on the next one, [raises his beer] we're only gonna get better.
Troll 4
No doubt about it.
Gerald
Wh-what are you talking about "next one"?
Dick
Skankhunt, we got an entire country to sign off social media and... stop what they were doing. Imagine what effect we can have on the rest of the world?
Anonymous821
We're like super-trolls who could change anything.
Gerald
[leans to Dick] Can I talk to you for a second?
[Gerald and Dick walk to the kitchen]
Gerald
Why did you bring them here?!
Dick
What do you mean? We're all on a team, Skankhunt.
Gerald
That was a one-time deal so nobody would find out who we are!
Dick
But you saw what we did when we worked together? Just think what we could do to like the Presidential Election.
Gerald
The election?! I don't give a shit about the election! You don't troll to be political!
Dick
Of course it's political!
Gerald
No, I just do it to laugh, like I did when I was a kid! Don't you just remember being a kid and calling someone a fag for no reason?!
Dick
I remember being called a fag for no reason.
Gerald
Right! Like it was just fun, right?! Getting political doesn't do anything for me. I just like remembering when I was a kid. That's it. You need to get those people to go and then you need to go.
Dick
Okay. [puts down his beer mug] Sure, Skankhunt. Whatever you say. [walks away]
Marsh kitchen.
Garrison
Presidential election is only two weeks away. We have to [lifts a bag of memberberries talking] destroy these things.
Jar Berries
'Member the Bi-wing fighters? 'Member the Service Drollers? I 'member.
Randy
[setting up experiment] That's much easier said than done. They're resistent to just about everything I tried.
Experiment Berry
'Member, 'member Mos Isley? 'Member the Rank Hall, 'member? 'Member sand people? 'Member the Cantina? 'Member-- [gets torched by Randy and screams] My eyes!
Jar Berries
What's going on now? They're using a torch on him. Oh, are they gonna use a torch on us?!
Experiment Berry
Ah, it burns! [stops getting torched] 'Member Besben? 'Member Wrench? I love Wrench. 'Member?
Randy
Uh, there has to be something.
Garrison
Try the acid.
Experiment Berry
'Member Momothom? 'Member double transports? [screams while acid is poured on him]
Jar Berries
They're trying to destroy us. They are?! Our whole species?! They can't do that?! Yeah they can! 'Member the Death Star blowing up Ultrion? Oo, Ultrion, I 'member.
Experiment Berry
[keeps on screaming until Randy runs out of acid] 'Member the cop sitting? 'Member the IG88, the bounty hunter droid? I 'member, that was fanta'tic.
Randy
Damn it! [takes off flashlight] These things are impossible to get rid of.
Broflovski bathroom. Kyle sits on the toilet, using his phone and then hears a knock from the other side of the door]
Kyle
[tilts head up] Yeah.
Cartman
[opens the door halfway and leans] Hey, Broship. You got a minute?
Kyle
Oh, what do you want now?!
Cartman
Just a second. Please, Kyle?
Kyle
Hurry up!
Cartman
Okay, [walks with Heidi in the bathroom] come on, Baby.
Kyle
Ah! Dude, what the fuck?
Cartman
Kyle Kyle, I know you haven't had a serious girlfriend, but you've stop caring about seeing each other in the bathroom.
Kyle
I'm going to the bathroom!
Heidi
Eric really cares about you, Kyle. He feels like he's losing you and he's really upset.
Kyle
Why?
Cartman
[walks away from the toilet] I remember not that long ago, Kyle, when you told me in this very room I believe, that you were going to prove who the troll was no matter what. Do you remember that, Kyle? Where's that Kyle?
Kyle
[looks down] I have to stay with my group, Cartman.
Cartman
[walks to the sink] No no, I know. Being in groups is great; you get to gang [opens sink draw and grabs Lysol spray] up and smash people's stuff, pull up your wiener in the cafeteria. [sprays Lysol at Kyle and walks near Heidi] I wonder what the old Kyle say about this Kyle. I wonder if old Kyle would be pretty disgusted right now by who he's become. Heidi's been working with Denmark now, Kyle. I want to show you what she's done. It's gonna change the way you think.
Gerald's office. Gerald keeps on trolling.
Gerald
Ha ha. You stupid bitch. Fuck you! Nobody cares about your fat, little-- [sees FaceTime call from Dick] Ah. Oh no, not again! [accepts his call] Yes?
Dick
Hey, Skankhunt, it's Dildo Shwaggins.
Gerald
I told you to stop FaceTiming me while I'm on the computer. It's very distracting.
Dick
Well you haven't been answering my calls, so I know this is the only way I can only talk to my buddy.
Gerald
I'm trying to just use the Internet! People should be able to use the Internet without being harassed.
Dick
[sighs] Oh, alright. Look, [grabs his guitar] I wrote a song about our friendship. Can I just play it for you?
Gerald
No!
Dick
[sings badly while strumming his guitar] Two little wolves all in the plains of darkness. The falfery flies from the wheeling clouds. The last of--
Gerald
[ends the call] Bye! Jesus, what is wrong with people?! [drinks wine] Huh. [keeps typing] Nobody cares about your fat sister with Lyme Disease, skank.
Turner residence. Cartman, Heidi, and Kyle walk near Heidi's room.
Heidi
[blocks the door] This is gonna seem a little weird to you, okay?
Kyle
What is?
Heidi
Before I quit Twitter and threw my phone away, I was trying to prove who our school message board troll was.
Cartman
Like you said what you would do, Kyle, except she actually meant it.
Heidi
Before I stopped searching, I learned something. [opens her door] Take a look.
[Cartman, Heidi, and Kyle enter Heidi's room. Kyle walks closer to Heidi's wall to his shock]
Kyle
What is all this?
Heidi
To try and prove who the troll was, I started to for patterns in how students used emojis; then I crossed-referenced that with the troll's writing. I call it "emoji analysis". People can hide behind a fake name, but the way they use emojis gives them away.
Kyle
Wow, that's pretty smart.
Cartman
She's funny too, Kyle.
Heidi
After I had eliminated nearly every student, I have started to realize that the troll's emojis were more archaic and less elegant than the average kid's. That's when I realized it; whoever Skankhunt42 is on the school message boards, it isn't a student, it's an adult.
Kyle
You mean like one of the teachers?
Heidi
I think... it's one of the parents.
Kyle
Are you sure?
Heidi
I had enough examples of the teachers' texts and emails to do an emoji analysis, they were much more in lines with Skankhunt's, but still not a match.
Kyle
Emoji analysis, it's genius!
Cartman
You're not giving her credit for being hilarious.
Denmark. People are living their usual lives while some mourn at Freja Ollegard's grave. The setting moves to TrollTrace Headquarters.
Danes
[sing] En junker red ved juletid

Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Omkring ham dalet sneen hvid

Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Han stred sig frem i regn og blæst Med et der segnede hans hest Tjing tjang lu Tjing tjang lu Tjing tjang tjing nutillej [stop singing]

Dane 8
[runs towards Bedrager] Sir, take a look at the [shows Bedrager analysis] statistical analysis. The servers are working.
Bedrager
So then we don't need any more funding?
Dane 9
[walks to Bedrager] No, sir. Using Heidi's emoji analysis, we have the final piece of the puzzle.
Dane 5
So far we have narrowed down the location of the troll attack on Denmark. [walks to map of the U.S. with state of Colorado highlighted] It is a location in the middle of the United States: a place they call "Colorido".
Bedrager
Colorido? That's a very goofy name.
Dane 5
We believe that very soon the servers will us the place in Colorido that the troll originated.
Bedrager
[walks closer to map] Hmm hmm. Go on and hide in your cave, little troll. Soon, everyone will know where you live.
Marsh kitchen. Randy gazes the berry with electricity while its in pain.
Randy
[stops putting in electricity] Damn it! [takes off flashlight] Nothing kills these things!
Garrison
We have to keep trying. [walks to the jar and grabs it] Where did they go?
Randy
They're not in the jar? [turns around] That's it. Look, it's over.
Garrison
No, I'll go find more. [leaves kitchen]
Randy
[follows Garrison] It's over! Don't you get it?! [walks closer to Garrison] Even if we've found a way to eradicate them now, we don't have time to implement it nation-wide.
Garrison
Then how do we stop them from getting me elected President?
Randy
[walks away from Garrison] There's no other way, Mr. Garrison. [stops walking] The American people have to be made to understand what's going on here. [turns around] You're gonna have to talk to them.
Garrison
[raises his hands near his head] No, no! I am done giving political speeches: I've tried being dirty, I've tried being vulgar. [spreads his arm a little] Nothing matters!
Randy
[walks closer to Garrison] For the first time ever, [stops walking] you're gonna have to speak from the heart: not make it about you.
Garrison
Well that's just impossible.
Randy
You know what these things are capable of. Even if you lose the election, another one like you is gonna rise up and take your place. J.J. Abrams is seeing to that.
Garrison
[lays his hand on his face] Don't you get it, Randy? I'm not a politician. I never was.
Randy
All I know is that for the future of our country, you're gonna have to give one last speech: the speech that everyone needs to hear, a speech where you finally just talk like a normal human being.
Garrison
Oh geez!
[Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his desk working on math problems. His door is open and Cartman walks in.]
Cartman
Hey man, can we have a quick chin wiggle? Look, the other day when you said Heidi wasn't funny, that was pretty lame, man.
Kyle
She wasn't being funny.
Cartman
Oh my God, will you let it go?! Why do you have to have this hangup against women?!
Kyle
I don't!
Cartman
You do, Kyle! You have to think about the things you say! They matter! [turns to leave]
Kyle
Cartman, [leaves his chair] I did some research on the Danish Web site you've been helping out. You do realize that once TrollTrace is online, anybody can use it on anyone, right?
Cartman
Yeah, to catch trolls.
Kyle
So somebody, like Heidi, could use it to see your entire Internet history. Everything you ever said and did on the Internet, even before you were together.
Cartman
[a look of fear crosses his face] Well, Heidi doesn't actually use the Internet. We've sworn off that stuff, so it's kewl.
Kyle
Right, but somebody, like me, could look up your entire Internet history, print it out, and give it to Heidi. I would imagine there's some things you've done or said on the Internet you wouldn't want Heidi to know about.
Cartman
[thinks for a moment] ...Un oh. [the recent past flashes through his mind, stopping off at the moment he saw Heidi's vagina in his room with the lights out, then moving on to the day he saw Ghostbusters]
[The Bijou, day. Cartman and his mom leave the theater]
Liane
Did you like the movie, hon?
Cartman
No, it sucked! I'm gonna send Butters an e-mail right now. [whips out his phone and types] "Dude, don't bother with new Ghostbusters. Totally not funny. Chicks ruined it." [puts the phone away] Can we get ice cream now? I wanna get the taste of ass out of my mouth. [fast forward to the present]
[Kyle's room, present day]
Cartman
How can they make what I said on the Internet available to the public? That's bullshit!
Kyle
It's available to everyone, stupid!
Cartman
I gotta go! [runs out]
[Randy's kitchen, night. The lights are out, only the moon shines in through the window above the sink.]
Unknown Memberberries
Heehee, hurry! Come on, we have to hurry! Let's go.
Memberberry 1
[rolls away from toaster] This way, this way! We have to go this way, 'member?
Memberberry 2
[bounces away from toaster] Oh, I 'member!
Memberberry 3
[rolls away from toaster] Come on, we have to hurry! [rolls while Berry 1 bounces]
Memberberry 4
[bounces away from toaster] 'Member Jabba the Hut? [bounces while following the others]
Memberberry 2
Yeah! Come on Tubs, you have to keep up! 'Member?! [rolls while following the others]
Tubs
[bounces while ] Hehe, sorry. I 'member.
Memberberry 1
Okay, almost there.
Memberberry 4
[stops] 'Member the Battle of Intela?
Memberberry 1
Shh.
Memberberry 4
[talks softer] 'Member the Battle of Intela?
Memberberry 3
[stops] Oh I 'member. [berries keep n moving].
Tubs
Hehehe. Are we almost there?
Member Berry 1
Shh.
Memberberry 2
Come on, 'member?
Memberberry 4
Oh I 'member!
The Broflovski residence. Dick rings the doorbell and Gerald answers.
Dick
I miss my friend.
Gerald
Oh you got to be--Are you joking?!
Dick
I don't know how things got derailed but, I-I'm sorry if I made you upset. I want to be buddies again.
Gerald
Buddies like when? When were we buddies?
Dick
Come on, let's just have a couple of beers and do some trolling.
Gerald
I don't have time for you! I'm sorry, dude, but I have a life. I have a wife, and kids, [raises his arms] and shit to do!
Dick
Why are you mad at me?
Gerald
Because you won't go away and let me just have fun!
Dick
I refuse to believe that Skankhunt is that shallow.
Gerald
[turns to his side] Oh here we go!
Dick
When you Photoshopped penises in Kesha survivors' mouths, it's not just to make people laugh.
Gerald
[faces Dick] Yes it is!
Dick
If someone Photoshopped a dick in your wife's mouth, would you just think it was funny?
Gerald
You mean my [shows his phone to Dick with image of Sheila Photoshopped] fucking screensaver.
Dick
It's true. You're just an asshole. I thought you were the ultimate rebel. I actually looked up to you and you're nothing but a super... dick.
Gerald
And what are [points at Dick] you, Dildo Shwaggins? Huh? You think you're a fucking political activist hauled up in your little shifty mini condo. You're nothing but a pissed off little giant, lashing out at everyone because you can't get laid!
Dick
At least I have a reason to be angry. What do you have, that it's funny? Hurting people is just worth the laughs?
Gerald
Stop trolling me.
Dick
One day you're gonna wake up and realize you don't have anyone either.
Gerald
Stop fucking trolling me. [shuts the front door]
TrollTrace Headquarters. Dane 2 walks to Bedrager while singers sings "Tjing Tjang Tjing".
Danes
Den jomfru sad i høje torn

Tjing tjang tjing nutillej Og vendte ham som til forn Tjing tjang tjing nutillej

Dane 2
We have it! We think we have it! [stops walking] The emoji analysis worked. We've found the IP address of the troll that trolled us.
Bedrager
[turns around] Triangulate the servers.
[servers triangulated an area on North Colorado]
Bedrager
Focus everything on that area. It's time to see what these puppies can do.
Fort Collins, Colorado, MLKKK's house. MLKKK typeset his computer and hears a loud siren and then turns on the TV.
News Reporter
Once again, if you live in the city of Fort Collins, there is a chance that all your emails and your entire Internet history has been made accessible to the public.
MLKKK
[checks his neighbor who is seen running out of the house screaming]
Fort Collins Citizen 1
[exits the house] Who the fuck are these emails to, and what the, what the fuck is MarrybutHorny.com?! [throws the Mac at her husband]
MLKKK
[sees his phone and picks it up with caution] Hello?
Unknown Caller
I know where you live now you son-a bitch.
MLKKK
[throws his phone on his desk and runs away to his car where he drives]
Fort Collins Citizen 2
I've been hacked! Help me I've been hacked!
Everyone in Fort Collins is panicking.
Fort Collins Citizen 3
They'll never forgive me! [jumps down from a high building]
MLKKK
[quickly presses the brake pedal, but crashes to the car in front of him. He leaves his car behind]
Fort Collins Citizen 4
[gets out of her car] They know everything I said about them! The club knows--
MLKKK
[pushes the woman] Get away from me! [runs away, but then gets stopped]
Unknown Caller
Hello MLKKK! You called my daughter "R2-D2". You know how long I waited this day, you son-a bitch! [throws a gasoline and lights a match on MLKKK, causing him to burn in pain]
Unknown Caller's Daughter
Is he burning, Pa?!
Unknown Caller
He's burning bright, little girl.
A highway. A toy car is driven with a few Memberries on them. The berries talked while the song "Africa" is played.
Toto
[sings] It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things...

Memberberry 1
'Member which way we're going?
Memberberry 2
I 'member.
Tubs
Hey hey, 'member the Ewok village?
Memberberry 3
Oh I 'member!
Memberberry 1
I 'member that!
Memberberry 4
Oh sure, I 'member!
Memberberry 2
'Member 'member!
[a knocking sound is heard from the trunk]
Memberry 2
Oh shit, hang on. [pulls the car over and stops the song]
[the berries show left the car and opened the trunk to reveal a hostage berry]
Memberberry 1
Hey you, shut the fuck up!
Memberberry 2
Yeah, we're gonna kill you, 'member?
Hostage Berry
Oh, I 'member. [trunk gets shut]
The Memberberries dance and talk while "Africa" is playing.
Toto
It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

Memberberry 3
Oh, 'member this song?
Memberberry 4
Sure, I 'member.
Memberberry 1
I love this song, it was fanta'tic, 'member?
Unknown Memberberries
Oh I 'member. Oh I love it when you 'member! 'Member! 'Member?
Gerald's work office. Gerald watches a news report on his computer.
News reporter
Complete panic and mass-hysteria tonight as the City of Fort Collins has been hacked.
Gerald
Oh my god. Oh my god, they've done it.
News reporter
The Danish are taking complete credit for the cyber-attack, blaming its successfully exposed and notorious troll. [MLKKK's picture and identity is shown] The man has been identified as the Internet troll MLKKK, and was burned alive by one of his apparent victims.
Gerald
Ah!
News reporter
The Danish claimed this was only a beta-test and soon the servers will be available worldwide. [turns his head to his left] Wait, so like they'll be releasing everyone's Internet history? Uh, I gotta go. [runs away]
Gerald
No! No no no no no! [FaceTimes Dick] Dildo, they done it! The Danish figured out how to hack everyone's Internet history!
Dick
[ends the call]
Gerald
Ahhh!
Mars in Cartman's fantasy. There's a severe dust storm.
Cartman
Not kewl! Not kewl! [holds onto a rock and sees someone caught in the storm, flying away] Not kewl! [tries to walk to the station]
Unnamed character 3
[holds onto a station] Wait!
Unnamed character 1
Have fun! [gets blown away by storm]
[roler coaster gets damaged]
Cartman
It's all falling apart! Weak!
Cartman's room. Heidi notices Cartman is worried.
Heidi
What is it, Eric? What's wrong?
Cartman
I-I, I don't know.
Heidi
Come on. We don't keep secrets, remember?
Cartman
It's just hard.
Heidi
You said you wanted to be perfectly honest with me, always.
Cartman
And I do. [breathes heavily] This one time, [wipes his nose] I think it was over the summer I went to see the new Ghostbusters movie.
Heidi
Yeah.
Cartman
And, and during the movie I was like "Wait, where is my phone?" and I couldn't find it; and then Jimmy said "Ha ha ha, screw you, Cartman," and he was holding my phone and he ran off with it and said, "I gonna send a bunch of texts and emails from your phone so that everyone thinks it's from you,"; and I was like "No, that's not cool!" and he said "Yeah," and he said a bunch of mean stuff before I went to go get him and I took my phone back; and I'm just worried th-that people look at my Internet history, they're gonna think all that stuff came from me!
Heidi
Well I'm glad you told me, 'cause now I know.
Cartman
So you totally believe me?
Heidi
Of course. [Cartman and her touch hands] You've never given me a reason not to believe you, babe.
Cartman (fantasy)
[sees Mars restored] Kewl! [leaps]
Heidi
You have no reason to worry. People will know it wasn't you. With emoji analysis, everyone will be able to tell exactly where any comments came from.
Cartman (fantasy)
[holds onto a rock, noticing a severe dust storm] Ugh! No, [lets go of the rock] nooo!
A campaign. Mr. Garrison gives a speech.
Garrison
My fellow Americans, we live in an un-presented time of uncertainty. I want to speak to you human-to-human because with God's grace, this will be the last time you ever hear from me. When I started this campaign I was saying a lot of shit because I was angry, [Gerald is seen in a bar, worried] and then I turned that anger into pushing buttons by more and more outrageous. Slowly, people started paying attention to me and I guess it made me feel powerful. Well now the chickens have come home to roost. [Kyle, Ike, and Sheila are seen having dinner in their home] Sooner or later, we all get exposed. [Gerald sees his family having dinner] We're all held accountable for what we say, what we do. [Garrison is seen again] There is only one thing that matters now. On November eighth, you must vote against me, and show the world that you didn't think the new Star Wars was all that good. When you're in that voting booth, remember that every vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote that shows the world we agree that The Force Awakens was more like a happy day reunion's special than a movie. The choice is yours, America. Please make the right one.
Clinton's office. Two FBI agents enter.
FBI agent 1
The Danish claim they will soon have the ablity to publish anyone's Internet history. We have to act fast, Mrs. Sandwich.
Clinton
I'll have you treat me with more respect. Haven't you seen the polls? It's president elects Sandwich.
FBI agent 1
We may not want to get too far ahead ourselves. [takes out a file of Skankhunt42 from envelope] TrollTrace must be stopped. [gives file to Clinton]
Clinton
Who is Skankhunt42?
FBI agent 1
We believe he's the only one who could save you.
A restaurant. The memberberries are together.
Memberberry 1
Here we are. We made it.
Tubs
We did?
Memberberry 2
Yeah, we have to go with Plan B, 'member?
Memberberry 3
Ooh, I 'member.
Memberberry 4
[talks to Hostage Berry] Sorry asshole, end of the line for you.
Hostage Berry
That's okay, I 'member. [gets pushed into a drink]
Waiter
[grabs the drink and brings it to a table] Here you are, ma'am, gen a tonic.
Caitlyn
[grabs drink] Thanks.
Waiter
Should be an interesting election this year, huh?
Caitlyn
[takes a sip] Buckle up, buckaroos.
End of Fort Collins

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