♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Check it out, guys. New driver's license.
What's wrong with your picture?
Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken.
So that way when I get pulled over for drunk driving, I look the same as on my license.
You know? Then the copper, the copper'll say, "You're fine. You're not drunk.
"This is you normal. I can tell by the picture. "
I wish I'd thought of that. I just got my new license a month ago.
What's with the big grin?
Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh, and I was feeling cocky.
Hey, let's see yours, Joe.
Wait, why does it say...
They were all out of handicap that day, so I got retarded.
Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire.
Wait a second. You were born in 1948?
You're 61 years old?
Uh, yes, sir.
What's your secret?
Sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat them raw.
Or insert them anally. As long as I get them into my body somehow.
And now back to the Fox News report with Rhonda Latimer.
Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter is so freaking hot.
Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.
Oh, she's just so smoking hot!
God, I would do things to her that she would probably laugh at.
We now return to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway.
I hate it when Woody casts another actor in a role he's supposed to play, 'cause they always act like him.
What're you talking about? I thought Patrick Stewart was great as Melvin Shiverman.
You know, Nietzsche says we're doomed to live the same life over and over again, which is bad news because it means I have to sit through the lce-Capades again.
Change it to Fox News! It's time for Rhonda Latimer.
Again, Peter? You have a wife, you know.
Lois, if it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking about her every time I m*st*rb*t* to her.
And we also want to remind you that Fox News switches to high definition starting Monday.
Aw, crap! Does this mean we gotta get a new TV?
Looks that way.
I need another expense like I need a hole in the head, and I don't need that.
I'm telling you, this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden.
Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that?
Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it, said it was something I might need.
Well, it's horrible!
And the worst thing is I found out I got it on the gay side.
Hey, are you coming out tonight?
I'm not gay! They put the hole in the wrong side.
All right, family. The wait is over.
I give you hi-def television!
Ooh! Can I have the box?
Look at me! I'm an lraq War vet in 10 years.
No, we're gonna take good care of them.
Wow! Look at that HD picture!
Yeah. It's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneres' breath.
Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen, who's got a new movie out.
Now, Seth, this movie is hot. It's just hot, hot, hot.
How does it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood?
What the f*ck? Did you eat pussy backstage?
And now the real reason to have an HDTV.
And now the Fox News 6:00 Report with Rhonda Latimer in high definition.
Good evening, everyone. And I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body.
We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantánamo Bay. Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete.
God damn it!
Mom, do you ever feel not so fresh down there?
No. There must be something wrong with you.
I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has.
Hey, look at this. Fox News is looking for a replacement for Rhonda Latimer.
Hey, Mom, you should try out. I mean, you majored in journalism, and you've never done anything with it.
Well, I did write for my college newspaper.
Yeah. Didn't you do an interview with that fast-talking FedEx guy?
Yeah. I ended up dating him for three months.
That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy.
Take off your shirt, your pants. What a body! That feels good.
I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested.
Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter.
Well, I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying out.
Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak, a little more cutting up my banana!
What am I supposed to do? Stick the whole thing in my mouth?
I mean... Oh, hello.
Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for Fox News.
Well, why not?
Because they're evil, and they distort the truth, and they do the bidding of the Republican Party! I mean, what other reasons do you need?
Don't listen to Brian, Lois. You'd be great on camera, like I was when I played that dead body on Law & Order.
Well, until I got that itch in my crotch.
The contusion on his left temple implies he was hit by a blunt object, and the cuts imply a struggle.
So it was murder.
But the question is who?
Well, whoever it was wears nail polish.
We found traces in the wounds.
Well, that narrows it down.
At least we know it wasn't the father.
Yeah, but we still gotta find out...
All right, Fox News auditions, take one.
Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories.
Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories!
Fear-based, right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories!
Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving lnflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium.
Due to a lack of interest in my shoddy merchandise, a soul-crushing divorce, and a never-ending custody battle, I am desperately trying to get into another line of work, and I am hoping to pass the news on to you!
I... I no can read these words.
This is the way we deliver the news on the high seas.
Thirteen are dead in a subway in Paris And heavy rains flooded the east side of Pittsburgh And gas prices have hit a 14-year high And Britney backed over her 7-month-old
And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands, he didn't lose his ability to feel.
I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.
Great story, Lois.
Thanks. I just made it up.
You know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes.
You're kidding. Really?
How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter?
You know, I came down here not even thinking I had a shot.
And now you're telling me this?
Gosh, it's an awfully big decision!
Lois, please, take the job, for Fox sake!
All right! I'll do it!
Great! Here's your contract.
Now run home, Lois! Run as fast as you can!
Good morning, everyone. Well, do I look TV-ready?
Lois, I can't believe you're doing this. If you work for Fox News, you're gonna be selling your soul.
Oh, Brian, come on. They're a major news network.
I would think you'd be excited for me.
Are you kidding? They're a lie factory.
They report whatever they damn well please.
You know, Brian, you're welcome to come with me and see for yourself that it's all on the level.
You know, I just might take you up on that, Lois.
And I know another way we can take advantage of this.
Chris, Meg, meet me in the living room in 10 minutes, and bring a pencil and paper.
Dad, what are we doing?
Meg, now that Lois has connections at Fox, we are gonna invent our own cartoon show, and we are here to brainstorm ideas. All right, go.
Anything that pops into your head.
Ooh! How about a show about a bunch of disabled ducks, and we'll call it Handiquacks?
Wow! Caught fire a little earlier than I thought we would. Perfect.
All right, let's spend many hours on this. All right, the main duck, what's his name?
I don't know, Red Heinie Monkey?
I love it! I love it. All right. Now, what's his wacky neighbor duck's name?
Meg, please try to formulate ideas clearly before you vocalize them.
I'm not sure you're getting the show, Meg.
All right, names, names, names. Come on now.
Poopy Face Tomato Nose!
Yes! Write it down. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Maybe they live in a pond?
Chris, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec?
I don't think she's getting it.
I know she's not getting it, but...
There's no but. She's not getting it.
Well, what the hell do you want to do?
She's poison. Absolutely. She's dead weight.
She doesn't understand.
But without her, the staff is too small.
I mean, she's just not funny. She's completely ruining it.
Yeah, but I think it's important to have a female perspective in the room.
All right, then I think we're gonna have to expect nothing.
Right. And then maybe be pleasantly surprised. Okay.
Welcome to Fox News, Lois. We're very excited to have you.
Well, I'm excited to be here.
Oh, this is my dog, Brian. He was just dying to see the studio.
Well, hi there, Brian.
How's it going, Adolf?
I'll have you know my grandparents died in the Holocaust.
No, I'm just joking. They were there, though.
This whole place just feels like a warm blanket.
I'll show you to our daycare facility shortly. But first, let's have a look around.
This is our control room, where we have the ability to monitor up to 500 different news stories in any given hour.
What's that big button do?
Oh, that's kind of fun.
It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear.
There it is again! It's probably just wind, honey.
It's not the wind!
And this is our Fox News daycare center.
Where are all the kids?
Sorry, a lot of the children aren't here today because their parents have the day off for Martin Luther King day.
Isn't that in January?
Oh, no, at Fox News, we celebrate the day he was shot.
And this is the kitchen. We've got all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here.
I don't see the refrigerator.
Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's v*g1n*.
There's never anything good in here.
All right, here we go. '"Handiquacks, episode one, scene one. "
Let's get them laughing right off the bat. "Interior. Red Heinie Monkey's house. "
What's Red Heinie Monkey doing?
Um... Maybe he just got up? He's making breakfast?
Eh, I don't think people eat breakfast anymore. More suggestions.
Ooh! What if Red Heinie Monkey and Poopy Face Tomato Nose are trying to build a house of cards and it keeps falling down?
Jiminy Christmas! We have all been there! That's going in.
We are cooking. Cooking, cooking, cooking. Now, all right.
Now, let's take a walk down this road, see where it leads us.
Dialogue. What are they saying?
Um, maybe Poopy Face Tomato Nose says, "Boy, this house of cards just doesn't want to stay up!"
Well, I mean, yeah. If you want to go right at it like a Neanderthal, sure.
But I think we're shooting for a little more subtlety here, you know?
You know, I don't believe that.
I don't believe that that's a real conversation when I hear it. People don't talk like that, Meg.
Ooh! What if they just bought a new wood stove? And Red Heinie Monkey says, "Boy, it's so hot in here because we just bought that new wood stove and... "
"... we're sweating, and our hands are all slippery, "and that's why we can't get the card house to stay up!"
Thank you, Chris. We have liftoff.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But none of this stuff seems to make sense.
I mean, we haven't even referenced the fact that they're ducks or that they're handicapped, but the show is called Handiquacks.
Uh-huh. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen?
This is not working out. This is not working out at all.
Dad, Dad, look. She's trying. No. No.
She gets along with everybody.
She does not get along with everybody.
She's kind of hot. She's office hot. All right?
Yeah, maybe you're right.
She's the only woman around.
Yeah. In the real world, she doesn't hold up.
In addition to everything else, she's got B. O! She's got B.O.
All right, Lois. For your first assignment, we want you to do an investigative exposé on one of America's greatest enemies.
Oh! That sounds important. Who is it?
Oh, here we go. This is exactly what I was talking about, Lois.
Fox News will take down anyone who doesn't agree with them.
Well, now, wait a minute, Brian. Give him a chance.
What exactly do you want me to do?
We have reason to suspect that Michael Moore may be a closet homosexual.
We need you to get the proof.
Are you sure that's a real news story?
Absolutely, Lois. It's human interest.
Well, if you think Michael Moore's possible homosexuality is newsworthy, I'll do my best to get the story.
Hey, where's Stewie?
That's tomorrow, and that is it for us today.
Okay, I don't know... Whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter.
There it is. We're gonna do Sting, yeah.
There's no words there.
"To play us out. " What does that mean? "To play us out. "
To end the show? Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Go! Go! In five, four, three...
That's tomorrow and that is it for us today and we'll leave you with a...
I can't do it. We'll do it live.
We'll do it live! f*ck it!
Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live!
f*cking thing sucks!
In five, four, three...
That's tomorrow and that is it for us today.
I'm Stewie Griffin. Thanks for watching.
We'll leave you with Sting and a cut off his new album. Take it away.
All right. I have come up with a design for Red Heinie Monkey, the head of the Handiquacks.
I want only positive feedback, please.
Why does he have such a big red bum?
Because it's funny, Meg!
People will tune in to Handiquacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it.
Why? Because it's relatable. They'll see themselves in it.
I think the design is great, Dad.
Good note. Good note.
Okay, now, I also had a thought for a female character who's always nagging at Red Heinie Monkey and telling him not to leave his beer cans lying around and whatnot, and her name is Bitch Duck.
That kind of looks like Mom.
Not finished talking, Meg.
Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose.
You can see I gave him a funny little suitcase. Now, see, the joke is most people only carry a suitcase when they're going on vacation, but Poopy Face Tomato Nose carries one all the time.
And see? He's got a sleeve hanging out. He didn't pack it right.
Oh, well, you know what could be funny?
Maybe one week he actually goes on vacation and he's already got the suitcase.
Chris, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec?
Your writing partner is out of her mind.
Okay, first of all, stop calling her my partner.
She's terrible. She's terrible.
I know that.
But then you know what? It's not fair. What?
It's not fair to her.
Well, that's sort of a cop out.
Having her here is not fair to her.
Dad, if you want to fire her, you go ahead and fire her.
But don't pretend you're doing it for her benefit.
Don't put that on me. She's firing herself. It's on you.
No, she can't fire herself.
She's firing herself with her lack of talent and her lack of funniness.
I just... You know, I feel like you and I have captured lightning in a bottle...
We have. Yes! ... with Handiquacks.
And she's just coming in, unscrewing the top, and letting it all out.
Meg, your services will no longer be needed.
Still nothing. I don't understand.
The lights are on. Somebody must be home.
What's he doing coming out of Michael Moore's house at this hour?
Unless... Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, it's true! Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh!
And I just laid in dog poop.
That's not dog poop.
Sorry, we've been out here a long time.
And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh coming out of Michael Moore's house at 2:00 in the morning.
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself.
Well, your dog was right, Lois. Looks like there's no story here.
Michael Moore is clearly not gay.
What... No story? What are you talking about?
You're the one who sent me to investigate.
Now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it?
I don't understand!
Lois, I'll be honest.
Rush Limbaugh is one of us. We have no wish to smear a fellow conservative.
That would be as foolish as FDR hiring that midget press secretary.
The president has just confirmed a devastating surprise attack by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor.
Much of our naval fleet has been destroyed, and the death toll is believed to be in the thousands.
Okay, actors, welcome to the first voice record for Handiquacks.
All right, episode one, "What the Duck?" Take one.
Oh, darn it, Poopy Face Tomato Nose.
I know, Red Heinie Monkey. This card house won't stay up.
Probably because the wood stove is so warm.
It's making our hands sweaty and slippery.
It's all coming together. It's all coming together. This is it.
Our vision come to life.
Just listen to that voice, and then picture him holding that suitcase with the sleeve sticking out!
Hello, Colonel Tushfinger.
I just built a spaceship. Want to come up in space with me in it?
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cut, cut, cut! Cleveland, what are you doing?
I just figured I'd give Colonel Tushfinger an Australian thing.
Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon, you idiot.
He talks with a moon accent, you know?
He talks like this with a moon accent. You understand?
I am Colonel Tushfinger, and I live on the moon.
So I talk like this with a moon accent. Do that!
You know, Bonnie also acts.
Oh, here we go.
So they want me to drop the story completely because they don't want to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.
Now do you see what I was saying about Fox News?
They have an incredibly biased agenda.
You should do the story anyway.
You think so?
Absolutely. They're hypocrites.
They wanted you to do the story when they thought it would embarrass Michael Moore.
But they don't want you to do it if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh.
But you didn't want me to do the story when it was gonna embarrass Michael Moore.
But you want me to do the story if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh?
Can you picture the two of those guys poking each other in the chops?
It'd be like sticking your arm in a backed-up sink.
Okay, you're right. I'm a little biased myself, but at least I'm willing to admit it.
Imagine that, the two of them going at it?
An oversized Armani suit and an oversized, cheap windbreaker tossed casually on the floor?
Look, they started this, Lois, but it's up to you to finish it.
I guess you're right, Brian.
Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there.
Stewie, shut up!
What? It's just a weird image.
Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop.
Ugh! I don't need to know about that.
Thanks for hearing our pitch, Mr. Chernin.
You realize the only reason I'm taking this meeting is that your wife is a reporter for our news division.
You have absolutely no prior credits.
Sir, I promise you won't regret it.
Handiquacks is gonna be the next Simpsons.
We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy.
We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head.
You go, "Wow! What happened?"
We take you on a little trolley ride down Story Lane.
You're having a good time, enjoying our tale, think you know what's coming.
Boom, left turn! You don't know how it happened!
You don't know where you are, but you like it.
You're watching the show. The ducks are saying stuff.
You're yucking it up. You're laughing. Your sides are hurting.
All of a sudden you realize you're feeling something, too.
When did that happen?
When did the Handiquacks become people I care about?
When did they become like welcome guests in your home whose weekly visits the whole family eagerly awaits?
Take a look at what we got, Peter.
One day, three ducks were crossing the road Going to get some soda But they weren't looking where they were going And a bus came along and hit them all Now they're handicapped and...
No, that's pretty much it Handiquacks And they never got their soda
Why won't this card house stay up?
Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought.
That's gonna be his catchphrase.
How did you afford that wood stove?
Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove store and said, "Put it on my bill. "
You with me?
I sure am!
You with me now?
I love it!
You know you love it.
I just have one small change.
Could Poopy Face Tomato Nose's nose be a plum?
How dare you?
It's a small change.
And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show.
A plum? What is this, 1986?
Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration.
So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo?
Well, no deal!
You know something?
I like your passion. Okay, we'll do the show, and we'll do it your way.
Well, that was a miscalculation.
All right, there it is. Stay close to me.
This is it! Let's go!
Mr. Moore, Mr. Limbaugh, do you have anything to say to Fox News about this...
What the hell?
Who are you?
What's that suit on the bed?
And what have you done with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh?
I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume.
Wait a minute. You mean, all these years, Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise?
Well, it's a little more complex than that.
What are you talking about?
Wait a minute!
You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore?
Yes, I am. They're both characters I created.
Well, after The Wonder Years, I was hungry to do more acting but the pickings were slim. So I came up with this scheme to satisfy my need to perform, and I guess it got a little out of hand.
This is unbelievable!
Well, that's not the end of it.
I'm also Tony Danza, Camryn Manheim, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe, and Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich.
Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world.
That's all I ever wanted people to know.
Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.
You got a deal.
Well, it finally happened.
I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved...
I don't need you anymore!
Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.
This Sunday on Fox, it's the new hit comedy starring America's greatest actor, Fred Savage!
Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy.
Yeah, but that should have been our time slot.
Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal.
I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter.
Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway?
Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter?
I mean, does anyone really care?
Yeah, you're right.
The story's over. Everything'll be back to normal next week.
So, yeah, who gives a damn?
Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie?
Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris?
No? All right, see you, folks.