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  • [The episode begins with SpongeBob pretending to be a stunt driver in one of the boats at the Bikini Bottom Boat store.]
  • SpongeBob: [imitates engine revving] I'm a stunt driver, and I'm making donuts! [screeches] Out of the way! [screeches] Look out! Where'd you learn to drive, buddy? Oh, Mrs. Puff's Boating School? Me too! [laughs] Ahh, the bridge is out! Ahhh!
  • Boat salesperson: That's a sweet little boat. You're a smart shopper.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I'm not shopping. I'm playing.
  • Boat salesperson: Playing, huh? Well, we have some very playful items here for a—a—
  • SpongeBob: [acts very goofy] Ehh-ehh.
  • Boat salesperson: ...Sophisticated motorist like yourself. [grabs SpongeBob by the eyes]
  • SpongeBob: Whoa!
  • Boat salesperson: [shows SpongeBob the Nerdmobile] The Nerdmobile. It comes with pocket protectors, corrective lens windshield and seat wedgies.
  • SpongeBob: [gets a wedgie from the Nerdmobile] Ah-ow! Wow.
  • Boat salesperson: No, this isn't right. I got something more your style. [grabs SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Whee! [gets thrown into the Wimp Wagon]
  • Boat salesperson: The Wimp Wagon. It includes unlimited tissues for crying, a security blanket, [a blanket pops out from the steering wheel and SpongeBob sucks his thumb] and a bumber bonnet for your [pushes the bumper bonnet down on SpongeBob] delicate fontanel.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, these are very nice, but I don't have a driver's license.
  • Boat salesperson: No license, huh? Well, you don't need a license to drive a self-driving boat.
  • SpongeBob: Self-driving? [gets pulled out of the Wimp Wagon]
  • Boat salesperson: [shows SpongeBob a platinum self-driving boat] Meet Coupe. It's very classy. Chrome-plated exterior, titanium hubcaps, turbine engine, and personal driver narration.
  • SpongeBob: [wide-eyed] Ooh. Whaaa! [gives the boat salesperson money] Sold!
  • Boat salesperson: Oh, thanks! [laughs as he flies away]
  • SpongeBob: Ahhh! My very own boat. Ah! [jumps into the boat and goes to drive it, but he finds the steering wheel and the key ignition missing] Huh? But there's no key! And no steering wheel! [stammers as he pushes various buttons] Where is that—I gotta— [a cat meows on the boat's DVD screen] How do you— [jumps on the seat, until a robot arm grabs him and sits him down]
  • Coupe: Settle down, Mr. SquarePants.
  • SpongeBob: Wow, you talk. How'd you know my name?
  • Coupe: I can feel your square pants on my seat. Where to, Mr. SquarePants?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, why don't we just go for a drive?
  • Coupe: You've got it.
  • SpongeBob: [Coupe fastens the seatbelt around SpongeBob and begins to drive out of the Bikini Bottom Boat store and onto the street] Whoa, careful! And stay in your lane! Stop sign! Stop sign! Truck, truck, truck, truck! [almost gets hit by a truck] Ah!
  • Coupe: Relax, Mr. SquarePants. I'm an expert driver. Make yourself at home and leave everything to me. [pours a cup of tea while SpongeBob has a blanket on and his shoes off, relaxing]
  • Squidward: [looking through the window at a clarinet store] Hmm? Huh? [sees SpongeBob riding Coupe and playing instruments along the way]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. [blows a clarinet in Squidward's face]
  • Squidward: [bewildered] Oh, I need to erase this from my mind. [pulls his nose to open his head, takes out his brain, erases it clean with a pencil, and puts his brain back in, making him dumb] Duh! What's a SpongeBob? [drools]
  • SpongeBob: [reads his book until he sees Mrs. Puff driving next to him] Oh, hi, Mrs. Puff. What do you think of my classy new boat?
  • Mrs. Puff: Hello, SpongeBob. SpongeBob! Ah! You're not driving!
  • SpongeBob: I know! Isn't it great?
  • Mrs. Puff: [hears a truck horn honking] Ahhh!
  • [Mrs. Puff swerves her boat and crashes into a junkyard. She then gets smooshed and crushed by the boat-smashing machine and then puffs up. She groans and pulls the boat off of her. Meanwhile, Coupe drives SpongeBob to his house.]
  • SpongeBob: [jumps out] Oh, that was the best day of non-driving ever. Coupe, is there anything I can get you? Warm glass of oil? Triple-foam conditioner?
  • Coupe: I'm fine. Good night, Mr. SquarePants.
  • SpongeBob: Good night, Coupe. [kisses Coupe and goes in his house]
  • [At night, thunder roars and it starts to rain. Coupe honks its horn.]
  • SpongeBob: What's wrong, Coupe?
  • Coupe: I'm getting wet.
  • SpongeBob: [struggles to pull an umbrella from him pants, but it opens inside] Whoa! [pulls the umbrella out] Here, take this! [gives Coupe the umbrella and goes back inside; Coupe honks its horn again] What's up?
  • Coupe: I'm cold.
  • SpongeBob: Aww. [wraps Coupe with a blanket] There you go, my widdle self-driver. Nice and snuggy-wuggy.
  • Coupe: I don't like it out here. I want to be inside.
  • SpongeBob: Inside? [saws a hole big enough for Coupe to fit] All right, Coupe. Come on in.
  • [Coupe drives inside the house and begins flipping the channels with the remote.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, you know what'd be fun? If I sat in you and we pretended we were in a drive-in movie.
  • Coupe: No, it wouldn't.
  • SpongeBob: Okay, so I guess you're just gonna click through the channels looking for a boat commercial all night, huh?
  • Coupe: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was a guest here. [shines its lights at SpongeBob's eyes]
  • SpongeBob: Of course you are. [rubs his eyes] Well, I'm tired. You can stay up. I'm going to bed. [goes upstairs] Oh, Coupe? Good-night. I had a wonderful day.
  • [Coupe doesn't listen to SpongeBob and continues flipping the channels. SpongeBob, feeling rejected, sulks upstairs to his room. Moments later while sleeping with Gary, SpongeBob hears a rumbling sound coming up the stairs.]
  • SpongeBob: Ohh!
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Gary, what is that? [the door opens; SpongeBob and Gary hover together in fear; it turns out to be Coupe as it honks its horn; Coupe climbs into SpongeBob's bed, crushing it]
  • Coupe: Sorry, Mr. SquarePants. I'm so... [yawns]
  • SpongeBob: I know, Coupe. You're tired. We're all tired.
  • [Coupe snores through its horn as SpongeBob and Gary go downstairs to sleep on the couch. A few steps crumble from the damage done by Coupe's wheels. A few hours later, SpongeBob and Gary sleep peacefully on the couch. But a loud sound from Coupe's horn startles them both, which resulted in Gary scratching SpongeBob's face.]
  • SpongeBob: Ow.
  • [Now totally feeling rejected and hurt, SpongeBob goes outside in the cold, rainy night with Gary and sleeps on the driveway while holding an umbrella. The next day, SpongeBob, who is extremely tired from such a long night, is making his way to the Krusty Krab. Suddenly, Coupe drives up to SpongeBob.]
  • Coupe: Mr. SquarePants, I can drive you to work. Why are you walking?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, well, I didn't want to wake you. You were sleeping like a baby. Heh. Baby buggy! [laughs] Baby buggy... [falls asleep]
  • [Coupe grabs SpongeBob, puts him in the driver seat and begins to drive. Suddenly, Coupe accidentally bumps into Patrick.]
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, how about a ride?
  • SpongeBob: Well, sure, Patrick. Hop in.
  • Patrick: Yay! [hops into Coupe's passenger seat; Coupe's horn blares and resumes driving] Oh, oh boy! Buttons! [pushes various buttons with his hands, tongue, and buttocks like a crazy idiot]
  • SpongeBob: [Coupe's wheels stretch out] Uh, Patrick, could you not— [Coupe spins around] I don't think he— [the trunk opens and knocks out extra wheels] Don't get your—
  • Patrick: [laughs] Butt on buttons!
  • SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, I don't think Coupe likes that.
  • Coupe: [grabs Patrick and sits him down] Passenger, settle down. [smacks Patrick's face with the seatbelt and fastens him, making his pop chocolate ice cream out from his bellybutton]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, ice cream. Where's the cone?
  • Patrick: Oh, don't worry. It's down there somewhere. Ahh. [puts ice cream on his tongue and resumes pushing various buttons with his ice cream-covered hands]
  • Coupe: [groans and spits in disgust while Patrick plays with the buttons] Ugh, eww! All right, that's enough! [ejects Patrick out of the passenger seat]
  • Patrick: Thanks for the ride!
  • [Coupe stops at the Krusty Krab.]
  • SpongeBob: Here we are.
  • Coupe: Here we are, where?
  • SpongeBob: Where I work, the Krusty Krab.
  • Coupe: What? I can't be seen here. I'm a classy car. This place is tacky. [the chimney makes a flatulence sound]
  • SpongeBob: [struggles to unhook the seatbelt and open the door, but to no avail] Coupe, open the door! I'll be late! [Coupe drives away] Yow! But I have to go to work! Ah. [sulks into his driver seat]
  • Coupe: You obviously have no taste, so today we're going to do what I want to do.
  • SpongeBob: But I have to go to work. [groans]
  • [Coupe drives over to the boat wash where it is getting scrubbed and clean. SpongeBob is not too thrilled with what Coupe is doing as he is getting sprayed and scrubbed on in his face.]
  • SpongeBob: I have to go to work.
  • [Coupe is now at the garage getting itself waxed, its engine repaired, and its wheel pumped up.]
  • SpongeBob: [growing impatient] But I have to go to work!
  • [Coupe gets its finger nails on its robot hand filed, its wheels massaged and is offered a glass of oil. One of the mechanics gives SpongeBob the bill.]
  • SpongeBob: Huh? [looks at the bill and pays the mechanic] Ugh. I have to go—
  • Coupe: Go to work?
  • SpongeBob: No, go to the bathroom.
  • Coupe: You can hold it.
  • SpongeBob: Or I could just go. [unzips his pants and Coupe unhooks the seatbelt in disgust]
  • Coupe: Ugh. Make it snappy. [slaps SpongeBob with the seatbelt]
  • SpongeBob: Ow! [groans]
  • [SpongeBob heads out of the garage. But unbeknownst to him, Coupe's headlights turn red and starts scanning like a security camera.]
  • Coupe: Hmm? Hmm. [sees SpongeBob going into the parts store and buying something there] Hmm. [becomes angry] Hmm.
  • SpongeBob: [walks out of the store with a bag and sees Coupe spying on him] Eh? [hides the bag and whistles back into the garage; he goes to the driver seat, but Coupe drive away a few inches] Hmm. [stammers as he tries again, but Coupe drives away again; Coupe drives out of the garage and onto the street] Very funny, Coupe. Very funny.
  • Coupe: What's in the bag?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, nothing. [Coupe drives away] Hey, wait! [jumps into the driver seat]
  • Coupe: What are you doing, SquarePants?
  • SpongeBob: I'm going to work. [pulls out a steering wheel from his bag and jams it onto the control panel; then he jams an accelerator on the bottom and places a bobble-head on the windshield; he floors it and takes control of Coupe by turning it around] Ooh. Did that hurt?
  • Coupe: Of course not. I'm a boat. I don't feel physical pain.
  • SpongeBob: Good to know, [puts on a helmet] because I'm a stunt driver, and I'm making donuts!
  • [SpongeBob spins Coupe around in circles and crashes into a fence.]
  • Coupe: Oh, no you don't. Give me that! [grabs the steering wheel and turns around]
  • [Coupe drives over a cliff and flies towards a first-class hotel.]
  • SpongeBob: Yahh!
  • Valet parking attendant: Ohh!
  • [Coupe crashes through the doors and drives into the lobby.]
  • Coupe: [laughs] Now this is where I should be living! [drives into the elevator] Penthouse parking lot, please. [the bellhop pushes the button on the elevator] Thank you.
  • SpongeBob: Hi, how are you doing today? Good? [whistles]
  • [The elevator reaches the penthouse parking lot on the rooftop. The penthouse parking lot consists of a bed, a gasoline pump, a smoker, palm trees, a stove, a radio stereo, and a pool.]
  • SpongeBob: Well played, Coupe.
  • Coupe: [shakes hands with SpongeBob] Indeed. [giggles]
  • SpongeBob: Because now we can get to the Krusty Krab the fast way! [steers Coupe off the roof]
  • Coupe: What? No! No! Noooo! [lands near the Krusty Krab] No, you don't. [SpongeBob tries to break free, but Coupe ties him up with the seatbelt] No, no, we're not going into the tacky Krusty Krab!
  • SpongeBob: You're right, we're going through the drive-thru! [steers Coupe through the drive-thru with his tongue] Triple Krabby Patty with five scoops of ice cream please. [strains as Coupe drives to the drive-thru window; Squidward gives SpongeBob his order while SpongeBob keeps fighting with Coupe] Squidward, you see me struggling with this boat, and you act like you don't care!
  • Squidward: It's not an act. [closes the drive-thru window as Coupe drives away from the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: [takes out his Triple Krabby Patty with ice cream] I hate to do this to you, Triple Krabby Patty with five scoops of ice cream, but I have no choice. [throws the ice cream-filled patty on the control panel]
  • Coupe: Oh, no, stop! I don't like that! [screeches its tires as it drives out of control]
  • Patrick: [appears on the road] Hey, SpongeBob!
  • Coupe: Oh, not this idiot again!
  • SpongeBob: Ahhh! [Patrick stops Coupe and lifts it up to lick the ice cream from the radiator]
  • Patrick: Ah, I thought I smelled ice cream. [licks more ice cream]
  • SpongeBob: My self-driving days are over.
  • Coupe: What do you plan on doing with me, SquarePants?
  • SpongeBob: Eh, I have an idea.
  • [The scene changes to Patrick riding on Coupe at the Krusty Krab like a kiddie ride.]
  • Patrick: These self-driving boats are real classy. [laughs until Coupe stops moving; Patrick grumbles and throws his ice cream on the hood] It stopped again.
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. [gives him a bag of quarters] Here's a whole bag of quarters so you can ride forever.
  • Patrick: Ohh! [puts a quarter through the slot and Coupe begins moving again]
  • Coupe: Please, somebody, strip me, sell me for parts! Just put me out of my misery!