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  • (This episode begins at Outside)
  • Clarence: Hello, everyone! Thank you for coming! Welcome to the 3rd annual daily dollar hunt, brought to you by the Clarence group. Jeff the ref will now lay down the law.
  • Jeff: Ow.
  • Clarence: Of the game.
  • Jeff: Okay. Well, it's not annual. This is the first time we've done it. The rules are pretty simple. There's a dollar hidden in the yard, and whoever finds it gets to keep it. Any questions?
  • Crendle: Where's my mom?
  • Blaide: Oh, um bus, uh, home?
  • Malakevin: Nobody knows the true worth of a man.
  • Jeff: Clarence, these kids look like they might sue us. We should have them sign waivers.
  • Clarence: Nah. These kids have kind faces the kind that I trust for no good reason. Besides, this is the best turnout we've had in years!
  • Jeff: But the Clarence group has never done this before.
  • Clarence: Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines! If
  • Crendle: we find the money, who gets to keep it?
  • Jeff: You do.
  • Crendle: Why?
  • Clarence: 'Cause it's fun!
  • Malakevin: Life is but a dance of triumph and tragedy.
  • Clarence: Sure, you can dance. Let the dollar hunt begin! Is there a volume knob on this thing? Got to turn it off.
  • Jeff: Clarence, turn it off!
  • Clarence: Come on. [Blaring continues] Maybe I'll just sit on it. [Blaring stops] Let the hunt begin!
  • Blaide: Oh, uh, oi, heh? Huh? Uhh.
  • Malakevin: [Growling]
  • Jeff: No, get! Get! No!
  • Clarence: Oh, yeah Sumo's in charge of creating obstacles.
  • Sumo: Hoo-ah!
  • Crendle: [Wailing]
  • Sumo: Hey, hey, you're okay, buddy. Just Just breathe.
  • Blaide: Wha! No! Ohh!
  • Malakevin: Sic semper tyrannis!
  • Blaide: Uh please. Lost. Bus?
  • Clarence: That's right, buddy. Just keep looking for that dollar.
  • Mary: Clarence! [Grunting] Come on. Don't forget, I'm making casserole for my book club tonight.
  • Clarence: Mom, look! The dollar hunt is a huge success! Everyone's having a great time.
  • Sumo: Give it to me.
  • Clarence: Yep.
  • Sumo: [grunts]
  • Mary: Clarence, hello! I'm leaving to get my hair done now. Do you still have that $20 bill I gave you for groceries?
  • Clarence: Way ahead of you, mom. I got the list right here and the $20 right here. Ooh.
  • Mary: All right. That's good, sweetheart. I'm depending on you. Love you. Bye. Got to go. Love you. Bye.
  • Clarence: Aw, geez. Jeff?
  • Jeff: Yeah?
  • Clarence: You remember that $1 bill that I said I buried?
  • Jeff: What did you do?
  • Clarence: Well, I might have sort of buried a $20 bill instead.
  • Jeff: You mean the one your mom gave you to buy groceries to make the casserole for her book club tonight while she's getting her hair done?
  • Clarence: Yep, that's the one.
  • Sumo: Don't tell anyone! We can still switch it back.
  • Crendle: Don't tell anyone what?
  • Clarence: That I buried a $20 bill instead of a $1 bill. Oops. You didn't hear that.
  • Crendle: $20?! Hot dog!
  • Blaide: Oh, $20! Ahh!
  • Malakevin: $20? 'Tis my destiny.
  • Crendle: Hah! Hah!
  • Blaide: Oh, $20! Ahh!
  • Clarence: Wait. No. Everybody stop the hunt! Stop the hunt!
  • Jeff: Unfortunately, the rules say the hunt can only stop when the money is found.
  • Clarence: Who made these horrible rules?!
  • Jeff: Oh, well, that doesn't matter because you know where the money is, right?
  • Clarence: Um--
  • Jeff: Right? Clarence?
  • Sumo: [laughs maniacally]
  • Malakevin: [Grunting] Yah! The singularity is upon us !Hah! Ahh!
  • Blaide: Ooh!
  • Crendle: Whoa! Ugh!
  • Clarence: Eggs. Feathers.
  • Jeff: Don't tell me you can't remember where you hid the money.
  • Clarence: Okay. I won't. Eggs. Poop. More poop.
  • Jeff: Clarence, a mother's trust is a sacred bond. You can't fail her! Retrace your steps! No! Retrace them in your mind.
  • Clarence: My mind? [Static] [whimsical music plays] [grunting]
  • Mary: Hey, hey, Clarence, have you  seen my lipstick?!
  • Clarence: No! You're a cute little dickens, aren't you, salami-me?
  • Chad:  Hey, Clarence, what you doing in there, buddy?!
  • Clarence: Nothing! Run! Stop making sense, making s-- Whoa! Oh, that's it. I know where it is now. I buried it over by the tree!
  • Crendle: Oh, oh, yes!
  • Clarence: [Grunting] Mouth, you clumsy dork.
  • All: [Grunting]
  •   Sumo: Get that dirt out of there!
  • Jeff: [breathing heavily] Huh?
  • Crendle: Aww. This doesn't look like money.
  • Clarence: Jazz  .y Jake, your batteries still work!
  • Jeff: Clarence, stay focused. Where's the money?
  • Clarence: Uh it may be sort of It's right here. Actually, it's right here. Of course the grassy knoll [gasps] Salami-me! Hey, who bit you?
  • Blaide: This yours, money?
  • Clarence: Oh, good job!
  • Malakevin: It was an inside job!
  • Clarence: Aw, dang it!
  • Malakevin: [Breathing heavily] Andrew Jackson was a cannibal! Look it up! [Munching] The drones are coming!
  • Clarence: I wonder if that's true. [Sighs] I just wanted to show everybody a good time by making them hunt for money, but now my mom won't get her casserole thing. She'll probably get fired out of her book club or something. How could I be so reckless? Her life is ruined now.
  • Jeff: We could just ask my mom to make a casserole. She's got nothing but free time.
  • Clarence: No, Jeff. I screwed this up myself. Now I got to screw it down myself. But how can we buy all that stuff without any money?
  • Sumo: Ah, we don't need all that stuff. One time my brothers made a birthday cake out of sponges and shaving cream. Best cake I ever had.
  • Clarence: That's it. That's it! We'll just make a casserole out of stuff we already got. Look. We got plenty of stuff in here. We got sardines, ketchup, olives, milk of magnetslia, cat food, dog food, bird food, cereal, cereal, cereal, hot-dog buns, thin mint gum, muffin wrappers, hot sauce, super hot sauce--
  • Jeff: I don't think the recipe calls for any of that stuff.
  • Clarence: floor, ceiling, wall, carpet, shelf, other shelf, more shelves, roof, house, friends.
  • Jeff: Now you're just listing things.
  • Sumo: Come on. Come on. Get your head in the game.
  • Clarence: [grunts]
  • Jeff: So, we need 2 tablespoons of baking soda.
  • Sumo: We got grape soda.
  • Clarence: Perfect. Gah.
  • Jeff: Uh, that's more than 2 tablespoons.
  • Clarence: Some is good. More is better. Next!
  • Jeff: Do we have any cheese?
  • Sumo: We got mac and cheese.
  • Clarence: Even better! huh! Huh! Num num num. Mmm! cheesy!
  • Jeff: We don't have that or that or that. Ooh, we have eggs.
  • Sumo: Eggs, eggs! Eggs, eggs! eggs, eggs!
  • Jeff: Okay. Two cloves of garlic, finely chopped.
  • Sumo: Potato flakes. Ugh, ugh!
  • Clarence: We got to speed this up.
  • Jeff: Four scallions, sliced.
  • Clarence: Four jelly beans, squished.
  • Jeff: Do you have a paring knife?
  • Sumo: I got a can of pears.
  • Jeff: One pound ground maple pork sausage. [Chuckles] try saying that five times fast. One pound ground maple pork sausage. One pound ground maple pork sausage. ♪One pound ground maple pork sausage♪ ♪one pound ground maple pork sausage♪ ♪one pound ground maple pork♪ ♪one pound ground maple pork♪
  • Clarence: All right. Let's get this baby in the oven. Okay, lift on 3, rest on 7, and put it in the oven on 10. Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Now, gentlemen, we wait.
  • Jeff: [ Humming ] Maple. We should clean up this mess before your mom gets home.
  • Clarence: Wow, cool. Yeah, yeah. wait a second. Whoa!
  • Sumo: Yum, yum. give me some.
  • Clarence: Okay, cleanup time. Just grab some paper towels and throw them down on everything.
  • Mary: Clarence, I'm so late. Did you get the g--[Gasps]
  • Clarence: Oh, hey, Mom!
  • Mary: Clarence, what have you done?!
  • Clarence: We made your casserole.
  • Mary: But this mess! My book club is coming in. Ohh!
  • Sumo: Hey, they're early!
  • Mary: Ohh!
  • Jeff: No worries! It's done!
  • Mary: Ugh!
  • Clarence:  [chuckles] Flavor bubbles.
  • Mary: I Yeah, I think, uh, the flower was melancholy because, uh, it, uh, wanted to grow more? You kn Um mm.
  • Mrs. Burderburger: [German accent] Ha! Funny joke, Mary! Yeah, so funny.
  • Mary: [laughs] Yeah. I'm pretty funny.
  • Sumo: [slurps] Man, she's drowning out there.
  • Clarence: And we're her pool noodles. Come on, guys. There's no time to lose.
  • Jeff: But your mom said stay in here.
  • Sumo: Jeff, you heard him!  Come on!
  • Clarence: Who wants casserole? Ugh!
  • Mary: Ohh.
  • Jeff: [chuckles nervously]
  • Woman: [Munching]
  • Sumo: Well, go ahead.
  • Woman: Oh, uh, thank you.
  • Clarence: This one's for you, Mrs. Murderburger. Compliments of the chef my mom.
  • Mary: [laughs nervously] - Mm.
  • Woman: What do you think?
  • Mrs. Murderburger: [Munching] [gasps] Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh I suddenly remember in Munich, I tasted a casserole made by the mad sculptor Warwick Xylander.
  • Warwick Xylander: Voulez-Vous avec croissant.
  • Mrs. Murderburger: It was so unique, so complex, so glorious, it made me want to weave my own flesh into a hammock.
    This casserole is far better! [Laughs maniacally]
  • Woman: Yes, far better. Far better.
  • Woman: [Vomits]
  • Mary: [Sighs] clarence, I don't know how you do it.
  • Clarence: Well, I will gladly tell you, Mom. Sometimes when you're on a dollar hunt, you find $1. Sometimes you find $2. And sometimes you find $1 million!
  • Mary: You're probably right, Clarence.
  • Crendle: Hello? Is anyone there? I think I'm stuck. Help!
  • [End of Dollar Hunt]

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