[The episodes begins with Squidward walking along the street]
Squidward: Maybe I'll do a cute little button. [Pulls his nose to give himself a button-nose. His nose pops out suddenly.] Or something a bit more manly perhaps.[pulls his nose hairs to create a mustache and a humanoid nose. His nose pops out back to normal suddenly] Upturned might be good, too. [Breathes in, puts his thumb into his mouth, and then blows. He gets an upturned nose. Just then, SpongeBob appears in his unicycle.]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: Great. [slaps himself] The idiot found me.
SpongeBob: Whatcha doing?
Squidward: I'm picking a nose.
SpongeBob: Ooh! I used to pick my nose too, until I finally cleared it out.
[SpongeBob lifts his nose and sticks his hand in it.]
Squidward: I'm not picking my nose, SpongeBob. I'm on the way to the hospital for a nose job. Plastic surgery. I'm finally gonna get the nose I should have been born with.
SpongeBob:[gasps] But, Squidward, you're a beautiful flower. You don't need to change a... [freaks out when he sees how hideously disgusting Squidward's nose is up close] Well, maybe a little work wouldn't hurt. Hey, you want a ride?
Squidward: With you? Absolutely not.
SpongeBob: Aww, come on, Squidward. [pedals off and comes back with a trashcan attached to his unicycle] I can get you there lickety-split.
[SpongeBob stuffs Squidward into the trashcan. Then he puts on a siren and pedals to the hospital at a fast pace, causing them to crash into the check-in desk.]
Nurse: You can't dump your garbage here, sir.
SpongeBob: Oh, that's not garbage. That's my friend, Squidward. We're here to check in.
[SpongeBob removes the trashcan off of Squidward and his nose is covered with garbage.]
Nurse: Holy nostroly! You must be here for the nose job. Let's, uh, get your paperwork filled out.
[The scene changes to Squidward hooked up to the IV.]
Surgeon: You just relax, sir. The doctor will be ready for you soon.
Squidward:[inhales deeply] Ah. This is nice.
SpongeBob: Never fear, Squidward. Soon this dreary old room will be so full of well-wishing you'll never want to go home.
French Narrator: Five minutes later...
[Squidward's room is filled with balloons, teddy bears and get well cards.]
Squidward:[grunts as he pops out of his pile of teddy bears] SpongeBob, get this garbage out of here! I can hardly move!
SpongeBob: Oh, are you uncomfortable? Here, let me help.
[SpongeBob pushes the bed's buttons and the bed folds Squidward into the mattress. It also made Squidward get stuck into a teddy bear.]
Teddy Bear: I love you.
Squidward:[grunts as he rips the teddy off of him] The bed is fine!
SpongeBob: Fluff your pillow?
SpongeBob: Fluff your IV bag?
[SpongeBob fluffs the IV bag, which makes Squidward's head buff up and down.]
Squidward: Enough, you buffoon!
SpongeBob: Well, gee, Squidward, I was just trying to be helpful.
Squidward:[sighs] If you want to help so badly, why don't you just go volunteer to be a candy striper? There's plenty of other people in the hospital you could torture.
SpongeBob: Squidward, that's a great idea. I was born to serve. [SpongeBob runs out of the room. Squidward's bed folds up again.] Hello, lady, can I be a candy striper here at the—
Nurse: Grab a uniform out of the closet.
SpongeBob: Ooh, thank you! Thank you! Whoo! [runs into the closet and comes back out with a uniform]Ooh! Candy stripes. [slurps on the strips] Strawberry.
Green Doctor: We were just looking for another physician to join us on our rounds. [The scene changes to SpongeBob and the doctors at a patient's room] And what seems to be the problem today?
Catfish:[coughing] My throat hurts.
Purple Doctor: Prescribe him a numbing throat spray. Let's move on, shall we?
SpongeBob: Wait a second! I think I've seen this before. [rubs his finger all over the catfish and abstracts some filth] Mm, yeah. [licks the filth] Mm-hmm. I'll need one medical sea-chicken.
[The purple doctor takes a sea-chicken out of the first aid kit. SpongeBob plucks one of the feathers and the chicken flies out through the window. SpongeBob tickles the catfish with the feather, which makes him cough up his keys.]
Catfish: Hey, my keys. And my throat feels better.
SpongeBob: You see, doctors, catfish are bottom feeders. The dirt on his face led me to believe he had recently eaten something that irritated his throat. Happens to my friend Patrick all the time. [grunts as he pulls out a pen, pencil and paintbrush from his head] Mm-hmm. [picks a pen and writes something down on a paper] Try a Krabby Patty next time, sir. They go down smooth, and they taste better than car keys.
Catfish: Thanks, doc.
SpongeBob: No need to thank me, sir. I'm here to help.
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and the doctors at another patient's room.]
Purple Doctor: What treatment might you prescribe for this next patient, Doctor?
[The green doctor shows SpongeBob the x-ray of the patient's broken legs.]
Runner: So what do you think? Will I be able to run in the Bikini Bottom marathon next week?
Green Doctor: Oh, my, no. I'm afraid you're—
SpongeBob: Of course! Friends don't let friends miss marathons. We'll have you up in no time. [looks around and sees a skeleton] Ah!
[SpongeBob grabs the skeleton and lifts up the runner.]
Runner: What are you—
[SpongeBob shakes the broken bones out of the runner's body and stuffs the skeleton inside him.]
Purple Doctor: Most unorthodox.
Green Doctor: He's a genius.
[The runner appears to be good as new. Except that his head and feet are facing the wrong direction.]
Runner: Thanks, doc.
SpongeBob: Ready, set. [blows blowhorn as the runner runs out backwards]
[The scene changes to the doctors talking to Mrs. Puff hooked up to the iron lung.]
Green Doctor: And what seems to be your problem today, ma'am?
Mrs. Puff: Sometimes, I just don't have it in me to puff up under my own power.
SpongeBob: Hi, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: No! Not you! [whimpers] What are you doing here?
SpongeBob:[whispers] Don't worry, Mrs. Puff. I'm a doctor...today. What is this crazy thing? Looks like some sort of weird submarine. [climbs through the iron lung]
Purple Doctor: You're kidding of course. We've placed her in an iron lung to help puff her back up.
SpongeBob: Ha-ha! Dive! Dive! Up periscope! Load the torpedoes. [imitates airplane and laughs]
[SpongeBob accidentally kicks the lever with his foot, making the iron lung move.]
Mrs. Puff:[whispers] Help me! [screams]
[The iron lung rolls down the hallway.]
Unnamed doctor: Hey!
[All the doctors and patients panic as the iron lung rolls through the hall, crashing into several people, including the runner in the process.]
Runner: My legs!
SpongeBob: Never fear, Mrs. Puff. I haven't lost a patient all day. [puts on medical goggles] Let's get medical.
[SpongeBob drives the iron lung with the levers, making Mrs. Puff get her puff back in shape. SpongeBob screams as he notices that he is about to crash into the windows. He tries to slow the machine down, but breaks the levers.]
SpongeBob: Oh, no.
[The iron lung crashes into the two windows, pushing Mrs. Puff out. Mrs. Puff inflates as her puff is now fully back in shape.]
Mrs. Puff: Oh. Actually, I feel like my old self again. But you still don't get a driver's license. [shrinks down to normal size and falls to the ground] Oh!
Purple Doctor: Wow. I've never seen anyone work an iron lung like that.
Green Doctor: So awesome.
[The two doctors high-five.]
Purple Doctor: We were on our way to perform a surgery...
Green Doctor: But we would be honored to watch you perform it.
SpongeBob: Me? Perform a surgery?
[Meanwhile at the operation theater, Squidward is getting ready for his nose job.]
Squidward: Oh, yeah, this is the life. And best of all, there's no SpongeBob here to ruin it.
[The two doctors and SpongeBob arrive in the operation theater.]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy, surgery! And on my first day too.
Squidward: SpongeBob? No! What are you doing here?
Surgeon: Nighty night, Mr. Tentacles.
Squidward: Wait, wait, no, no, no, no!
[The surgeon puts Squidward to sleep with anesthesia.]
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, everybody.
Doctors and surgeons: Hi, SpongeBob.
Purple Doctor: Doctor, the patient's over here, and he's ready for you to begin.
Green Doctor: Oh, we're most eager to see which tool you select first.
SpongeBob:[looks for a tool] Hmm, mm—mm—mm—mm. Let me see. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Phew. [picks up a spatula] Here we go!
[SpongeBob twirls his spatula around for a few moments, impressing the doctors and surgeons.]
Doctors and surgeons: Oh! Ah!
[SpongeBob goes to do Squidward's nose job.]
SpongeBob: Okay, SpongeBob, this can't be too hard. Just make an incision here, and— [operates with the spatula and ink sprays up] no! Shoot! [the heart flips] Son of a gun! [continues to work, but breaks Squidward's foot off] Ah, my bad.
Surgeon: I'll take that. [takes the foot]
SpongeBob: Ah-ha! [chops with spatula and makes sushi] Mmm, sushi. [The surgeon takes the sushi and SpongeBob pulls out a saw. SpongeBob performs the operation with a saw, but breaks it. SpongeBob gets creeped out when he notices that he just sawed Squidward in half. The surgeon moves Squidward's head to another bed where the rest of his body is being placed.] He's, uh, really going to pieces over this nose job. [The doctors and surgeons laugh.] Oh, [chuckles] Thank you! Let's try again, shall we? [SpongeBob resumes the operation and creates a patty with Squidward's tentacle in it.] Order up! [The doctors and surgeons applaud and laugh. SpongeBob hops onto Squidward's bed and lifts his nose up. In the nostril, there's a blue ribbon in it.] Yow! That shouldn't be in there. [pulls ribbon and sees another one] Ooh! [pulls more ribbons out and a clipboard]
Yellow Doctor: What? [notices his clipboard is missing] Oh.
SpongeBob: Ta da— [The doctors and surgeons applaud. SpongeBob is seen stitching Squidward's nose together] Nurse, sponge. [The surgeon clips part of SpongeBob's head and wipe the sweat off. The sponge jumps back into the place it was clipped off] Thank you, nurse.
Gray Doctor: I can't see! I can't see! I want to see!
[The gray doctor jumps out of the window and falls into Squidward's nose.]
Gray Doctor: I still can't see.
[The gray doctor runs around to operating room, dragging Squidward all over the place. SpongeBob stops the gray doctor from running around and sends him flying back into the balcony with the spatula. The pink doctor catches the gray doctor with a catcher's mitt.]
SpongeBob: —ta da! [The doctors and surgeons applaud. SpongeBob resumes the operation and gives the finishing touches] There we go. You can wake him up now, nurse.
Squidward:[wakes up and groans] What—what happened?
SpongeBob: I finished your nose job, you silly goose. Take a look.
[SpongeBob pulls out a mirror and Squidward looks at his reflection. His nose appears to be bigger than it was before.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, you idiot! This isn't even close to what I wanted!
SpongeBob: Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, nurse!
Squidward: Wait, no, no, no! I want a different doctor! I—[The surgeon puts Squidward to sleep with anesthesia again. He wakes up again and looks at his reflection again. He has three noses instead of one.] No! [with a noisemaker] No! [with an elephant's trunk] No! [with clarinet] No! [with crabs nose] No! [with log] No! [with the face of Squilliam Fancyson] No! [with a reindeer's head] No! [with his house] No! [with real life octopus] No! [with car engine and it flares up] No-o-o-o! [sobbing] [SpongeBob snaps his fingers. Squidward wakes up for the final time.] Stop! I don't want to change my nose anymore! SpongeBob, I'll do anything! Anything at—
SpongeBob: How's about the Squidward Classic?
[SpongeBob holds up the mirror and Squidward's nose is back to how it was.]
Squidward: Hey, not bad. This looks even better than my old nose.
SpongeBob: Well, I did have to use a few of your other body parts to re-sculpt it.
[Squidward appears to be missing his arms and legs.]
SpongeBob: D'oh! Look at the time. I have to go to work. [takes off his surgery outfit]
Purple Doctor: But you're a doctor. You're at work.
SpongeBob: No, I'm just a fry cook. [puts on Krusty Krab hat] But it was fun playing with you guys. Bye![leaves]
Purple Doctor: Fry cook? Ooh. [faints in the green doctor's arms]
Squidward: Don't be afraid, ladies. This sinus Adonis is on the market.