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Chimps Ahoy
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are standing in front of SpongeBob's house when the mailman comes walking by and puts a package into SpongeBob's mailbox]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: It's here! [SpongeBob takes the package and opens it]
  • SpongeBob: Behold, Patrick! The official Goofy Goober Backscratcher! And it only cost me 52 box tops.
  • Patrick: Wow.
  • SpongeBob: [scratches his back with the backscratcher and grunts in pleasure] Ooh. Mm-hmm. Oh... Oh! Whoo! Oh, yeah, that's it!
  • Patrick: Let me try! [scratches his back]
  • SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's not the backscratcher. That's my arm.
  • Patrick: Oh, sorry. [reattaches his arm]
  • SpongeBob: You know, we shouldn't keep this all to ourselves. We should let Squidward try it out.
  • Patrick: Yeah!
  • SpongeBob: [they start marching] Onward... to Squidward's house.
  • Squidward: Go away!
  • SpongeBob: To Sandy's house. [cut to Sandy's treedome] Hey, Sandy, you gotta see this! [a bunch of inventions are torn up] Sandy? What's going on here?! Sandy, are you okay? [Sandy shudders] What's wrong, Sandy?
  • Sandy: They're coming. They're coming. The chimps are coming.
  • SpongeBob: Who?
  • Sandy: My bosses. They're coming for an inspection. I've worked day and night for a week, but none of my inventions are any good. If I don't have a real impressive invention by this afternoon, they'll cut my funding, and I'll have to leave Bikini Bottom.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, come on, Sandy. I'll bet you invented lots of useful things. This helmet looks impressive. [puts on the helmet with a peanut label on the forehead] What's it do?
  • Sandy: It lets you talk to nuts. What use is that?
  • SpongeBob: [takes out a nut] SpongeBob to Peanut. Come in, Peanut. [a radio can be heard beeping]
  • Patrick: What's it saying?
  • SpongeBob: It's saying... "It's dark in here." Got anything else, Sandy?
  • Sandy: There's my nuttaccino machine. It makes a hot, frothy cup of any nut you choose. [she puts a nut into the machine. The nut screams, which makes SpongeBob sad] And lastly, my fully automated nutcracker. [she turns it on. The nutcracker tries to crack open a nut, but it can't, and it gives up] Oh, I can't even make a simple nutcracker!
  • SpongeBob: So it's got a few bugs. Patrick and I'll help you fix it. Right, Patrick? Patrick? [Patrick is using the backscratcher] Everything'll be fine.
  • Sandy: Oh, it's no use, SpongeBob! I just have to face facts. I'm leaving Bikini Bottom because... I'm a failure.
  • SpongeBob: We can't let Sandy leave, Patrick!
  • Patrick: What'll we do?
  • SpongeBob: They're looking for an invention, right?
  • Patrick: Right.
  • SpongeBob: So let's start inventing!
  • Patrick: Yeah! [cut to later, where SpongeBob and Patrick are carrying a table. Patrick falls over the table]
  • SpongeBob: It's time to get serious, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Right! [crashes] I made an invention. It's a stick you can draw or write stuff with.
  • SpongeBob: That's a pencil, Patrick. It's already been invented. [more crashing]
  • Patrick: Ooh, ooh, this is a good one! It's a glass ball that lights up so you can see in the dark.
  • SpongeBob: Light bulb, already invented. [more grunting and crashing is heard]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, I know this one will work. I've invented a parallel universe.
  • SpongeBob: That's a mirror, Patrick. It's already been invented.
  • Patrick: Somebody keeps stealing my ideas!
  • SpongeBob's Reflection: [says in a strange accent] Well, I thought it was a pretty good idea.
  • SpongeBob: [his invention crashes] Ooh... I give up. I'll never invent anything. [acoustic guitar plays. It's Sandy]
  • Sandy: ♪So long, Bikini Bottom, I can't leave without a good-bye. But please don't think bad of me, if'n I start to cry. So long, Bikini Bottom, there's so many things I'll miss, from your smoggy, crowded city, to your stingin' jellyfish. This town is filled with many things, that I've come to love. From the birds that fly upon the ground, to the flowers up above. Farewell, Bikini Bottom, now I really hate to go. 'Cause the things I'll miss the most of all, are the friends I've come to know.♪
  • SpongeBob: [both cry] I'm ashamed of myself, Patrick. I gave up too quickly. We'll build Sandy's bosses an invention so amazing, they'll give Sandy funding forever! [later, SpongeBob and Patrick are experimenting and building an invention] We've done it, Patrick! We've created the greatest invention the world has ever seen! Patrick, they're here.
  • Patrick: Who?
  • SpongeBob: Sandy's bosses. [Patrick is clueless] The reason we spent all afternoon inventing!
  • Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about. [they both exit the treedome to greet Sandy's bosses]
  • Chimp #1: Good day, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Professor Percy. This is Dr. Marmalade.
  • Dr. Marmalade: At your service.
  • Professor Percy: And this is Lord Reginald.
  • Lord Reginald: Charmed.
  • Patrick: You guys talk funny. Say more words!
  • Professor Percy: We are the board of directors of Tree Dome Enterprises Limited, and we are here to ascertain if Miss Cheek's inventions are up to snuff.
  • SpongeBob: Why, everyone in town has benefited from Sandy's scientific knowledge! Before Sandy showed up, I used to be a scrawny weakling!
  • Patrick: And I used to be dumb. [goofy laughter]
  • Professor Percy: Quite. And whom do I have the pleasure of addressing?
  • SpongeBob: My name is SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: And I am Professor Patrick.
  • SpongeBob: Professor?
  • Patrick: Doctor Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.
  • Professor Percy: Where is Miss Cheeks?
  • SpongeBob: She should be back any moment.
  • Patrick: I thought she ran away because she couldn't invent anything.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick!
  • Patrick: That's Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick to you!
  • SpongeBob: Don't you think it's time to show them Sandy's invention, Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick?
  • Patrick: Good idea.
  • SpongeBob: Well?
  • Patrick: Hey, you're the unpaid intern. You do the work. [cut to later, where everyone is standing in front of an invention]
  • SpongeBob: Gentlemen, I can say without exaggeration that this is the most important invention in the history of the universe! I give you... [reveals the invention] The Automatic Backscratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker, and Ukulele Tuner 9000!
  • Professor Percy: This is where our research money went?
  • SpongeBob: Uh-huh. Isn't it great?!
  • Lord Reginald: An automatic back scratcher, hair comber, nose picker, ukulele tuner. Yes, well I've heard that claim before.
  • Professor Percy: Yes, how do we know this contraption works?
  • Dr. Marmalade: Let's see a demonstration.
  • Patrick: Step right up. [points to Lord Reginald] You look like you've been neglecting your personal hygiene.
  • Lord Reginald: Me? [Patrick straps him in the contraption] Are you sure this is safe?
  • Patrick: As sure as I'm a doctor professor.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, don't you think we should test it?
  • Patrick: Okay. [turns invention on. The contraption comes down over Lord Reginald]
  • SpongeBob: That's not exactly what I had in mind!
  • Professor Percy: Lord Reginald, are you all right? [inside the invention, Lord Reginald is getting his hair trimmed]
  • Lord Reginald: Oh, I say, this is splendid. [getting his back scratched] Oh, absolutely splendid. What's this? [nose is getting picked] Oh, marvelous. This machine has evacuated my nostrils of unwanted residue in a manner most pleasant.
  • SpongeBob: Good work, Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick.
  • Patrick: Thank you, lowly assistant.
  • Lord Reginald: Oh, I say, now it's feeding me delicious pudding!
  • SpongeBob: Pudding? I don't remember that part of the invention.
  • Lord Reginald: Now it's tuning my ukulele! [the ukulele makes a sour note and the invention goes out of control. Lord Reginald is hit on the head with the ukulele] Ouch! Ooh! I say, was that necessary? [he gets slapped on the back of his head] You, sir, are impertinent. [a pair of scissors, fire, a saw, and more gadgets surround him] Oh, dear. [screams]
  • Dr. Marmalade: Lord Reginald, are you all right? [shrieks and explosions are heard] I'm sorry, was that a yes?
  • Professor Percy: Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick, what is the meaning of this?
  • Patrick: It's okay. The horrible screaming means that it's working!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I really wish Sandy were here. [cut to Sandy, who is in front of a bus that has just pulled up]
  • Bus Driver: All aboard!
  • Sandy: Will this bus take you somewhere when you've got nowhere else to go?
  • Bus Driver: It sure does. We make stops in Quittersville, Failuretown, and Loserburg. [Sandy hears the screaming]
  • Sandy: What in tarnation?! [enters her treedome] What's with all the monkey business?! [gasps]
  • SpongeBob: Sandy!
  • Sandy: SpongeBob! What the heck is going on here?! [the invention spits Lord Reginald out]
  • Lord Reginald: Ouch.
  • Patrick: It works! It works!
  • Professor Percy: Lord Reginald, are you all right?
  • Lord Reginald: I seem to have ruptured my pomposity.
  • Professor Percy: We shall commence closure of this establishment immediately.
  • Dr. Marmalade: Frankly, I'm beginning to question the economic benefits of underwater treedomes. Doesn't make much sense once you get right down to it.
  • SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Sandy. We were trying to keep you in Bikini Bottom, but all we did was ruin your chances to stay.
  • Sandy: I was about to be fired anyway. Thanks for trying to help, SpongeBob. You, too, Patrick.
  • Patrick: That's Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick.
  • Sandy: [annoyed at Patrick's stupidity] Don't push it.
  • Patrick: Sorry.
  • Professor Percy: We are departing, Dr. Marmalade.
  • Dr. Marmalade: My word, all of this excitement has drastically reduced my potassium levels. [he takes out a banana, and the nutcracker turns back on and peels it] Good gracious! Can it be?
  • Professor Percy: Try it again. [Lord Reginald gets a banana out and the nutcracker peels it]
  • Lord Reginald: Oh! It is! It is! It's the banana peeler we have been searching 117 years for! [excited chattering from the chimps]
  • SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy, they're going bananas for your nutcracker!
  • Sandy: Yeah. [cut to later when the chimps are about to leave]
  • Professor Percy: Well, Miss Cheeks, I must say you have exceeded expectations.
  • Lord Reginald: It may be the extreme head trauma I've suffered, but I am going to offer you a 20-year contract with a substantial pay raise.
  • Sandy: I accept.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
  • Professor Percy: I expect great things out of you, Miss Cheeks. Great things.
  • Lord Reginald: Perhaps you could put your talents toward that automatic poop-throwing machine that's eluded us for so long.
  • Dr. Marmalade: Now, now, one miracle at a time.
  • All Chimps: Goodbye!
  • Sandy: Well, the only thing left is to figure out what to do with this infernal contraption.
  • Patrick: My turn. [sits on his invention] Whoo-hoo! [machine turns on and he screams] All right!

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