[incomplete & unfixed/messed]
It's alive! Yes! Yes! Yes! It takes two for out of sight! D'oh! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I told you road head was a bad idea. Hello, earthling. We were on Oooh! Why are you This is startingto hurt Ohh! And that's what I did to the first aliens I found. Unless you want some of the same, you just better mind your P's and Q's. Honey, do you have to make up such horrible stories? Martha, that boy is invulnerable. I can't just spank him. I don't often drink beer, but when I do, I usually suck three or four male penises. And on several nonconsecutive occasions, I've run over a pet. Oh, and once, I raped my own uncle. That is why I don't often drink beer.
[Scene: A funeral. A group of mourners stand around the coffin as the deceased's mother gives a eulogy.]
- Janet's Mother: Even though Janet is no longer with us, she's still alive in my heart. I love you my baby girl.
[She starts to weep, as the priest pats her on the back]
- Priest: We will now hear a few words from Janet's friend, Diablo Cody.
[Famous screenwriter Diablo Cody steps forward from behind the priest]
- Diablo Cody: Janet was a hoe-lympic athlete, and her sport... flirting. When we hung out, it was like Flirt and Ernie. Screw the recession, that girl was always in business. She was hotter than an oven on the sun. She was always sexting these incredible hunks, like Josh. I thought he was a homo-skillet, but that's besides the Tito Puente. On a scale of one to zen, Janet was my B-to-the-double-F power, and I'm gonna miss her like Dimina Elliott. You know, Janet was my fashionista-sister. She had this one tube top, the thing made her look like a pixie stick smuggling volleyballs smuggling grapes smuggling craisins. So put your mitts together and make some Alfred. Alfred Noise... the poet. Make some noise. And I'm out like slap bracelets. Peace in the middle-yeast infection...
[Suddenly the coffin bursts open from the inside as a furious Janet sits up to everyone's shock.]
- Janet: Shut the [fuck] up already! Mom, why is Diablo Cody here? Did you even read my suicide note?
Most of us will die in Vietnam, but at least it'll teach America a valuable lesson on fighting needless wars.
All right. Come on! Oh! No! You contra bastards! Or are we the contras? I never got that. I'm back! Blue pants! You're alive?! I guess so. Maybe we're immortal. Let's find out. Aah! "Groundhog Day" [bleep] You want to kill me, but you can't! Low hand, high hand, and poke you in the peepers! Hey, check it out. Give me a hand. Ooh! Boom on your helmet! Doing the running man running as fast as I can Wall of spikes! Hey, how you doing? Excuse me, soldier, I was wondering Oh, yeah! Boom diggity! Ballsville! Oh, your pellet hurt me! Well, we'll shoot that one, and that one explodes, and the other one explodes, and we're left with nothing. Why is this bridge self-destructive? Check it out. Thank you, sir. May I have another? A strange monster for this industrial wasteland. Go, contra-a-a-a! Hey, check it out. Oh, is this a message in a bottle? Oh, no a grenade! Oh, grab the kids! What are we gonna Wait a minute! I'm immortal [bleep] Wait. Hey. No! What kind of sick gives a man exactly 30 lives? You think a group of children can stop me? Come taste my magic and know oblivion! You may be stronger, Venger, but we're on the side of right, and that makes this battle as lopsided as your helmet. My helmet? What are you Oh, you got to be kidding me. I've only had this helmet for two months. Y-your ruse won't work, Venger. Face us! Will you shut up and help me look for my horn?! A-are one of you standing on it? Uhh W-what?! How would we be standing on it? I don't know, Diana. But I do know that when I left home this morning, I had two [bleep] horns on my head. L-look, I-I'm sorry. The helmet was a gift from someone who isn't with us anymore. So if I'm freaking out, it's just No, no. We'llhelp you look for it. T-thanks, guys. JustThanks. Today, a blond, white girl was brutally murdered. Hot, hot film at 11:00. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! What do you want?! Well?! Do do you want something? Anything? Well, I have to get up early, so SoGood night. Oh, what? Like we all have to be assholes? You will pay for cobra! Or you can choose from third-party health-insurance plans, both PPOs and HMOs. Cobra! Beware, Gotham City. Nothing can stop the Joker! No! One more punch would kill you. And I won't kill you. That somehow means I win. I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail, rinse and repeat. Yes, it's an endless cycle. But I've sworn to let the courts do their work. What to do? Hmmmmmmmmmm. And due to the persuasive testimony of the Batman Thank you, Batman The court has decided upon the death penalty. It's, uhIt's out of my hands. Maurice P. Joker, for 2,391 counts of murder and many other crimes that seem minor next to been sentenced to death. Have you any last words? I know Jesus has forgiven me. Is that a joke? No! Here we go! That's not right. Keep going until he's dead. It would be monstrous to stop now. [Bleep] you, Dork Knight! D'oh! Oh! Uh-oh! Aaaaaah! Oh, I-I-I didn't know. I-Ididn't know. Wait. But why? For Barbara. Huh? Aaaaah! "Eeeeee!" Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! This is Hal Lexington for the night, and [bleep] you, dad. [Bleep] you. Oh, computer! Your real name should be "Porn Funnel. " I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I love you more than any Individual family member. It's true. Oh, my gosh. I'm inside the computer! We must fight the master-control program. Wow! You're the topless girl from "Caddyshack"! I am Yori. You're Lacey Underall! Underalls are stockings. Good pun, Mr. Ramis. Dang it! You fool! In my real life, I'm a computer programmer, so I have a huge advantage here. But you throw a frisbee like a computer programmer, so that's not great. We lost our frisbees! Oh, does that mean we tied? Cool! A glow stick! We can pretend we're at a rave! Hey, ladies. Let's drink some shots! Ugh. Please shut up. Oh, my gosh! Light cycles! Yes! Yes! Yes! It's true! It's true! You really can pee your pants and have an erection at the same time! Look at me! I'm the opening credits to "Frasier. " Scrambled eggs You're screwed now, nerd! Our light cycles never crash! Oh, really? Try installing third-party software of any kind. I'm downloading shareware right now. Aaaaaaagh! Goodbye, evil staple remover! Whoa! The master-control program! Behold, outsider. Behold how high-tech I am. Uh, well, I guess. I mean Why, it would take nothing short of ping-pong balls to defeat me! Oh, yeah, I forgot how much this part of the game sucked. Oh, no! Are you some kind of God? I guess. Computers will still rule humans one day. Or, at the very least, computers will really annoy humans one day. Just you wait until that annoying kid with the dandruff from high school finds you on Facebook and bugs you to play knockoff scrabble twice a day, and you'll kind of get hooked on it, and then a legal battle will make them yank the game down, just when your scores were really starting to kick ass, and then You win. Yes! I am now the master of all computers! Bring on the endless free porn! Your wish is my command. Oh, yeah, I forgot It's 1982. So, Lacey Underall, I don't suppose you want to play strip poker for realsies? Ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk