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  • Francine: Hey, Stan. You want to check out this new jazz club tonight? The Jazzberry Beret?
  • Klaus: Wait, did Hot Jazz In Your Face close?
  • Francine: Hot Jazz In Your Face closed a while ago. People just stop coming.
  • Stan: Well, I can't go out with you tonight, I'm booked. On SUnday and Tuesday nights, I hang out at the CIA Chill Zone.
  • Klaus: What's that?
  • Stan: Oh, dude, it's this killer house that used to be owned by a terrorist cell, but the CIA took it over, Febreze-ed the hell out of it, and then turned it into a kick-ass social club. It's wicked awesome.
  • Francine: Come on, can't you blow it off?
  • Stan: Sorry, babe, my Chill Zone nights are scared. Why don' you sign us up for another night? I have drinks with Klaus tomorrow, but I can totally blow that off.
  • Klaus: (Groans)
  • Roger: Hey... what's going on in there?
  • Francine: Oh, Stan and I used to be best friends, but likely all he wants to do its hang out with his buddies.
  • Roger: Listen, Francine, at a certain point a man needs to hang out with other people and get away from his wife because it's boring. I'm tired of talking to you, and it's only been 20 seconds. I feel like talking to Klause, that's how bored I am.
  • Klaus: (Groans)
  • Francine: I know there are boring wives but there, but I'm the fun wife. You know what? I'm gonna pick up some brewskies and swing by Stan's Chill Zone to show him that I can be as much fun as his friends.
  • Klaus: Well, she's gone. Probably for at least an hour. Should we fool around again?
  • Roger: God, Klaus, no. I told you that was just a 10-time thing.
  • ("Cool It Now" plays)
  • Baby: (Giggles)
  • Lew: (Clapping) You kids did it. You blew me away. Lew Schneider, Snot's uncle. I've been in the recording arts industry for 13 non-consecutive years. And we got everything we need to turn you uys into a successful boy band. White kid who can sing. Relatable fat kid. Asian. And the pretty boy with the gorgeous punim. I think you boys are ready to make your first music video.
  • All: (Giggles)
  • Barry: Yay! I can't remember the last time someone else's uncle took a video of me.
  • Men: (Laughing)
  • Dick: Hey, Francine.
  • Francine: Hey, Dick, I thought I'd bring some beers.
  • Dick: Back up! Back up! No women! Men only!
  • Francine: Calm down.
  • Dick: I said back your ass up!
  • Francine: Okay, okay.
  • Dick: No light beer! That's girl stuff! Girls are gross! (Screams)
  • Hopper: Dick, it's cool. She's gone. There's no more girls, man. There's no more girls.
  • Liddane: And now I need you to turn over on your side.
  • Roger: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, wait. Okay, it's in.
  • Liddane: And now I'm going to turn on the water, and you're going to feel a little pressure.
  • Roger: Yeah... It's good. Real good. (Groans) You can turn it up a bit. All the way. This ain't my first butt blast. Ooh, you knoewjust, Liddane, turn it down just a little. What's the matter, Francine, you look troubled.
  • Francine: Oh, they wouldn't let me in the Chill Zone because it's men only. What on Earth is Stan doing in there that's so much more fun than hanging out with me?
  • Roger: Well, you could ask him, but he'd have to lie. Men's clubs are shrouded in secrecy. (Grunts)
  • Puddin: (Meowing)
  • Roger: Aw, Puddin, you know you're not allowed outdoors. Put her back in there; she's an inside cat. What was I saying? Oh yes, men's clubs are shrouded in secrecy. But luckily, I know a way around that.
  • Dick: What do you want?
  • Frank: I'm Frank. From the Chicago office.
  • Dick: Hey, Frank, I'm Dick. Welcome to the Chill Zone; let me get you a beer.
  • Men: (Laughing and yelling)
  • Guy: I told him.That is what I told him.
  • Frank: Roger you forgot to button the top of my man costume. But it worked, I'm in.
  • Roger: Sorry, dude, wrong number. You sound hot. How old are you?
  • Frank: No, Roger, it's me, Francine.
  • Roger: You can't pretend to be a runaway teen for one minute? After all I've done for you?
  • Frank: I-I don't know what to say.
  • Roger: It's east, just say, "Hi, my name's Tyler. I'm 17, I'm lost and cold, and my parents don't understand me. Can you help me? I just need a warm bed for a few nights before I head to Calidornia to become a surf model." Hello?
  • Frank: It's still me, Francine.
  • Roger: Oh, so you got into the Chill Zone. That's great. Hey, can you put Tyler back on?
  • Frank: (Sighs)
  • Tyler: Um, hello? Is this someone who can help me?
  • Roger: (Gasps)
  • Frank: This is some place you got. As a man and not a woman, I feel really comfortable here.
  • Roger: I have equi[[ed you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis like most Chicago men.
  • Dick: I got to say, I'm having trouble believing you're from Chicago.
  • Frank: (Giggles)Yeah? Why?
  • Dick: Because it's so exciting. Imagine that! Chicago, Chicago! Cha-cha cha, cha-cha cha cha. Chicago. Illinois.
  • Frank: Hey, Stan. I'm Frank from Chicago. What's your name?
  • Stan: Uh, you just said it.
  • Frank: (Laughs) SOunds like you know what you're talking about, brother. I want to party with this guy.
  • Sanders: Welcome aboard, new guy. I'd shake your hand, but these wise guys handcuffed me for a goof. They're goofing me good.
  • Hopper: Hey, what part of Chicago are you from?
  • Frank: Wh-What's with the third degree? You think I'm a woman in a costume> Is that what you think? Do I got to pull sausage on you?
  • Sanders: Whoa, I want some of that.
  • Men: (Cheering)
  • Dick: Attaboy, Sanders. Open wide.
  • Men: Go, go!
  • Avery: Oh, I see you've started your fun without me. Thanks for waiting.
  • Steve: Who-who are all these guys?
  • Lew: I was up all night thinking about boys, and I realized something. 12 boys, one stage. 12 outfits each one bursting with boy. This is Boy Jam, and this is Boyz with Mouthz. But today I am combining all three bands to form one super band called Boyz 12. Now, I've written one hell of a song. And I went to Express Men and bought a ton of hot boy clothes. I'm willing to put my reputation, time, and money on the line, but I need to know from all of you that you will bring it. Okay, loosen up those throats, boys. Let's warm up.
  • Boys: Boyz 12, Boyz 12...
  • 'Lew: I can do anything! I'm a million miles tall!
  • Steve: Is your uncle on drugs?
  • Snot: Probably.
  • Frank: So... remind me again, why would we rather be here than at home with our wives?
  • Stan: 'Cause here we can do whatever we want. Wives don't let you drink and play ping pong in the middle of the damn day.
  • Frank: But dudes, maybe we should give our wives the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they'd not only support our fun, but want to join in as well.
  • Avery: You know, that sounds like something a woman would say.
  • Roger: I've also equipped your man suit with a fart machine. If you ever arouse suspicion, use it. Farts immediately calm men down and reestablish their trust.
  • Men: (Laughing)
  • Sanders: Hilarious!
  • Hopper: This guy gets it!
  • Stan: Ah, that fart really calmed me down.
  • Francine: 'Sup, mountain douche? Want to pound a cold one?
  • Stan: Um, what? I was thinking we were gonna have dinner. Why is there a ping-pong table in here?
  • Francine: Uh, so we can play beer pong.
  • Stan: I don't understand what's going on here.
  • Francine: What's going on here is... Shots!
  • ("Shots" plays)
  • Francine: Shot, shot, shot, shot-shot-shot!
  • Stan: So... wh-what time is dinner gonna be?
  • Francine: 6:00. Why doesn't Stan want to have fun with me? He wanted to sall this stuff at the Chill Zone.
  • Roger: Maybe he just doesn't see you as a friend.
  • Francine: But husbands and wives are best friends.
  • Klaus: Ugh, that's just what stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. (To Dave) Please, say that at your wedding, then play that ukulele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Real original, Dave. Ooh, maybe you should get a dog the year before you have children, you know, for practice. Kill yourself Dave, your life's been lived like a billion times.
  • Roger: Francine, as a married woman, here are your choices for best friend: Fat woman, cat, gay guy, food.
  • Francine: Wait a minute, I'm Frank. So when Stan's having fun with Frank, he's actually having fun with me. (Gasps) That's it! I'll hang out with Stan as Frank until we're best friends, and then I'll reveal myself to him, and he'll realized he's been married to his best friend all along.
  • Roger: (Gasps) Francine, you are the smartest, most rational person I know. I don't se any way this plan isn't going to end perfectly.
  • Stan: Ah, this is great.
  • Frank: Yep-yep-yep, just a couple of guys in the tub, soft boilin' they eggs.
  • Stan: Soft boilin' they eggs.
  • Frank: They, check this out. Yo, Dick!
  • Both: (Laughing)
  • Frank: We hare have fun, huh?
  • Stan: We sure do.
  • Avery: Hey, I just heard the new joke! What's black and white and red all over?
  • Frank: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight?
  • Men: (Laughing)
  • Hopper: Nuns!
  • Avery: No. I wanted to do the joke.
  • Frank: Well, we're laughing at ya.
  • Men: (Laughing)
  • Stan: Oh, God, shot at the boss! Frank, you're the best!
  • Men: (Laughing)
  • Stan: Uh, Frank, you're leaking. Your belly button is leaking...
  • Men: (Laughter, Cheering)
  • Avery: No one's that perfect and farts that deep. Time to find out who this Frank really is.
  • Gary: Da CIA, Chicago, how can I help you?
  • Avery: This is Deputy Director Bullock from Langley. I'm calling about Frank.
  • Gary: Yeah, just a sec.
  • Frank: Dis is Frank.
  • Avery: How are you there? You're in Virginia.
  • Frank: That's not true because I'm in Chicago.
  • Avery: I'm looking at you right now.
  • Frank: Well, then, you must be in Chicago.
  • Avery: No, you transferred to Virginia and you're here now.
  • Frank (Screaming): I have heard enough! I am not going to stand here and let you tell me where I am when I know exactly where I am! Chi... ca... go!
  • Woman: Frank, calm down. Ya heart!
  • Frank: No! I will not calm down!
  • Gary: You tell him, Frank!
  • Frank: Let me handle this, Gary!
  • Avery: Smith, would you join me inside for a moment?
  • Stan: Whoa! I almost slipped. We gotta put some towels down.
  • Avery: After doing some research on Frank, I've discovered that he is not who he claims to be.
  • Stan: What? Who is he?
  • Avery: I don't know yet. I feel like his name might be Ricky. But what I do know for sure is that he has infiltrated a CIA facility and must die.
  • Stan: I can't believe Frank would do this.
  • Avery: Yes, well, since you and Frank are such besties, I thought you should kill him. Frank, can you come here? Frank, I want you and Smith to go on a beer run. Alone.
  • Frank: Awesome! I've been hoping to spend some alone time with Stan!
  • Avery: Go for Bullock. [Bullock slips on wet floor] Why didn't I lay down some towels?
  • Frank: This is fun, right? Just a couple buddies, out on a beer run.
  • Stan: Hmm... what?
  • Frank: I'm just saying, Bullock chose us to go the beer run. He must think we're best friends or something. Hey, where are we going?
  • Stan: I know the truth about you.
  • Frank: You do?! So... what do you think?
  • Stan: I'm shocked. I thought I knew you.
  • Frank: Baby, it's still me. Don't you see how great this is for us?
  • Stan: Us? There is no us. Not anymore.
  • Frank: But Stan...
  • Stan: The only "but" is the butt of my gun!
  • Frank: What?
  • Stan: Just know it was super clever.
  • ("Girl You Need A Shot (Of B12 (Boyz 12))" plays)
  • Lew: (Chuckling) Well? Come on, come on.
  • Steve: Lew, it's fantastic!
  • Snot: Yeah, Uncle Lew, it's really great. I think you've done it.
  • Lew: Lewwwww Schneider. Uh-huh. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. That was my janitor friend at Arista. They just signed a new boy band. Boyz 13. One more boy then we have.
  • Steve: It'll be okay, we just need to ass two more boys. Everything's gonna be fine. Oh, my God!
  • Snot: Mom, you were right. Your brother. He killed himself.
  • Snot's Mom: Told ya!
  • Frank: I can't believe yo're doing this? I can't believe you'd kill your wife.
  • Stan: What did you say about my wife?
  • Frank (Fuzzy, scratchy): Francine...
  • Stan: Did you do something to Francine?! Why do you have her phone? What did you do with my wife? You killed her, didn't you! She's the most important thing in the world to me and you took her away! You're an animal. You are a beast! She was the love of my life! My soul mate. My best friend! Don't you smile at me, you sick fuck!My half brother is Native American, so I am going to scalp and watch you die! You took her hair?! You sicko! Francine, you're alive! And you're inside Frank! Frank ate you?! Wait, no, no, what's going on... Why? Why did you do this?
  • Francine: To spend time with you. I was worried you didn't think I was fun.
  • Stan: Baby, are you crazy? Just because I hang out with other people doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you. Sometimes a man needs guy time. But all the time he needs his woman!
  • Francine: Oh, Stan.
  • Guy: Oh, my God! What happened? D-D-Did he hurt you?
  • Stan: Hey! She's fine. We're fine.
  • Guy: She doesn't look fine.
  • Stan: Are you ready to die over this? Seriously?
  • Jon Hamm: Is this how you want your hike to end? Hi, I'm Jon Hamm. Over a hundred percent of all domestic disputes are just two people trying to work stuff out. You getting involved isn't gonna help. You don't know what's going on. I don't care what you think you see, just keep your eyes down and keep walking. For more information on how to not get involved, go to www.Don't-Be-A-Hero.Com.
  • [End of Can I Be Frank (With You)]

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