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The episode opens with Stan Pines driving the Mystery Cart and stopping at the bottomless pit.
Stan In this land of ours, there are many great pits. But none more bottomless than the bottomless pit. Which as you can see here is bottomless.
Soos Question. Is it bottomless?
Stan (Sighs) Kids, can one of you try explaining this to Soos?
Dipper Grunkle Stan, why are we here again?
Stan To dispose of things that we don't want. So long, Mystery Shack suggestion cards! (throws them down the pit)
Mabel Goodbye, creepy love letters from Lil' Gideon! (throws them away) Die! Die!
Soos (Takes off his shoes and throws them in the pit.)
Dipper What are you doing?
Soos Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doin' it. (Throws a barbecue grill down the pit.)
Mabel (pushing a large box toward the pit)
Stan What you got there, Mabel?
Mabel Oh, it's just my personal box of mysterious secrets. Nothing worth wondering about. (Giggles and throws the box down the pit.) Goodbye forever!
Dipper Grunkle Stan, do I really have to be the one to point out that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?
Stan (shaking cards out of his fez down the pit) Says you..
Mabel Well, I guess we'll never know.
Wind starts blowing
Soos Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!
Dipper Quick! Everyone back to the shack! (runs torward the house)
Stan I'm not done getting rid of these yet! (tries throwing more cards into the bottomless pit but the wind blows them into his face)
Mabel Grunkle Stan! No!
Stan (While everyone pulls him away from the pit) Almost... Almost... Almost!
All (Fall into the pit) Aaaaah!!

Gompers

(bleats)
Cut to theme song
Dipper Aaaah!!
Soos Aaaah!!
Stan Aaaah!!
Soos So, anyone want to scream some more?
Dipper Where are we?
Mabel (Lights a glowstick) We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere. (Hangs the glowstick on her arm and giggles)
Dipper We're gonna land on something eventually. It could be any second now.
Everyone expects for a landing but nothing happens.
Stan Well... it looks like we're down here for the long haul. Who wants to see some card tricks? (Takes out cards, which fly up and away) Tada!
Mabel (claps)
Soos Hey, maybe we should pass the time by telling stories.
Dipper I've got a story. It's called the time Grunkle Stan got us all thrown into a bottomless pit where we spent the rest of our natural lives!
Soos Go on...
Mabel Come on Dipper, you can do better than that.
Dipper Fine. (Takes the glow stick) I'll tell you a story. A story I'd like to call Voice Over.
Voice Over title card appears. Mabel, Wendy, Soos are on the lawn with Waddles
Mabel Ready?
Mabel, Wendy, and Soos Spin the Pig!! (spin Waddles until he stops pointing at Stan)
Mabel Hey! Grunkle Stan. Ever kissed a pig before?
Stan I'm not gonna answer that question.
Dipper (runs up) Guys! I think I just got bit by a snake! I need you to get me to a hospital quick!
Stan (laughs)
Dipper What? What's so funny?
Stan Sorry. It's just hard to focus on what you're saying with that squeaky puberty voice you got there.
Dipper My what?
Mabel It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper. Your voice is (makes a imitation of Dipper's voice) hillaaarrious!
Dipper Are you saying my voice cracks? My voice doesn't crack!
Soos Dude, no offense, but it cracks so much we've already made a techno remix out of it. (Plays the tape)
Dipper Do I really sound like that?
Wendy Oh, here comes my favorite part! (Plays the last part of the tape and Mabel, Soos, and Wendy laugh)
Dipper Give me that!!!! (takes the tape and leaves)
Mabel, Soos and Wendy Spin the Pig!
Dipper (Sighs) Even my sigh sounds weird.
Old Man McGucket (Pops out of a hole) Hello there!!!
Dipper (screams)
Old Man McGucket I couldn't help but overhear your situation. Old Man McGucket (Spits on his hand) Part-time inventor.
Dipper Why do you spit on your hand?
Old Man McGucket I don't rightly know.
Dipper Hey, I remember you! Your robot almost killed me!
Old Man McGucket (pulls Dipper into an alley) Come here! Follow me into this dark and dangerous alley. (pouring a potion into a cup) Lately, I've been tickerizing with a voice alterizing tonic. On account of my (screaming:) Horrrrifyin' voice!
Kid (cries and runs away)
Old Man McGucket You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!!
Dipper This will really fix my voice? Thanks! (Drinks it and leaves)
Old Man McGucket Come mornin', you'll sound like a new man.... If you survive.
Dipper (Yawns) (with a deeper voice) Good morning Dipper. I did it! I diiid it! Now I have a neeew voice! Ha ha ha! (Runs to Mabel's bed) Morning Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel?
Mabel Aaaah! (Hits dipper with a golf club) Who are you?! What have you done with my brother!? Dipper! I'll save you from this body switching warlock!
Dipper Mabel, it's me. This is my voice now. I sound awesome. (Slowly:) Soouund Aaawesome.
Mabel I know boy's voices change, but this is weird. Weird and bad.
Dipper But Mabel, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And just think of the prank calls. (Dials a number)
Skull fracture bouncer (over phone:) Hello?
Dipper Hello, this is the president of the United States of America. I am calling to tell you.. (makes spitting noises.)
Skull fracture bouncer (Over phone:) What? Who is this!?
Dipper (Hangs up and starts to laugh) Magnificent!
Mabel Mabel no like.
Cut to Soos in the gift shop
Dipper (walks up) How are you diddly-doing, Soos?
Soos (Grabs a broom and hits Dipper) Kill it! Kill it with fire! Everyone flee!
Dipper What gives, man? You guys all made fun of my old voice. I thought you'd like the new one.
Soos Well, at least before you sounded like a real person. Now, you sound like some weird commercial dude.
Dipper I'll find Stan. He'll like my new voice. You'll see. I'll be right back after these messages!.. I mean... goodbye. (goes outside and downtown) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Where are you, Grunkle Stan? (walks by Skull Fracture)
Skull fracture bouncer Huh? I know that voice anywhere! You're that guy that prank called me earlier!
Dipper No I'm not. I'm a 12 year old boy.
Skull fracture bouncer You expect me to believe that? You crazy-voiced punk!!
Dipper Wait! No! (Screams and runs away)
Skull fracture bouncer (Walks into a bar) There's a prank caller on the loose! Let's get him!
Everyone chases Dipper
Dipper (Jumps into a hole) Escaaape! (runs where old man McGucket is) McGucket! Your invention was a catastrophe!
Old Man McGucket That's probably why I live in a dump! (dances)
Dipper

My own sister didn't recognize me. I scared away crowds. (sobs) I even sound ridiculous when I cry.

Old Man McGucket Well, now. Here's your problem. I gave you the wrong drinking majiggy. This one's for voice over professionals. I'm sure I got an better voice in here somewhere. (digs through car trunk)
Dipper Good! Hurry up!
Old Man McGucket You got here just in time. Come sundown, you'd be back to your ridiculous old voice.
Dipper

It was ridiculous, wasn't it? (Plays the tape, but there is a different remix)

Mabel (on tape:) This remix is dedicated to my brother. Dipper, your voice is one of a kind.
Soos (on tape:) Dude, I've never heard anything like it. R-r-remix over! (makes explosion noise)
Old Man McGucket

Are you ready for your new voice? This one should be permanent! (gives Dipper a new potion)

Dipper (looks back and forth between the vial and the tape)
Dipper (Holds vial up to his mouth about to drink it, scene cuts to the shack.) Hey guys. (In normal voice).
Mabel Dipper!
Soos Dude, you're back!
Dipper I guess I realized that even though my voice may not be perfect, it's still mine, and I wouldn't change it for anything, not even for whatever was in this new vial.
Mabel So, what did you do with the rest of that potion?
Dipper I dumped it in Stan's coffee.
Stan (Walks in. In a female voice:) Have any of you kids seen my girdle? Where my girdle at?
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos (laugh)
Stan What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Staan! Kids laughing. Laughing at their Grunkle.

Cuts back to real time

Mabel I spy with my little eye something that is... Black!!
Soos Ooh ooh! Everything!
Mabel Yay for Soos! (claps)
Soos Yay for Soos!
Mabel Hey, who wants to pass the time by spinning? Everyone spin!
Dipper No.
Mabel (Spinning Dipper) Yaay!
Dipper Woooaah!
Soos (Chuckling)
Mabel (Running on top of Dipper) Weeee!
Dipper Ow, ow, ow, ow..
Stan Dipper's pain is funny, but I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.
Soos Really? Ok. This story is called Soos' really good Pinball story. Is that a good title? Does it have to be a pun or whatever?
Title card appears. Soos, Dipper, and Mabel are in the pinball room. Soos is playing pinball
Dipper and Mabel Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Soos This is it, dudes. After 4 long years of trying, I might finally get a high score on Stan's creepy old pinball machine. If I do this, I'll go down in pinball history, with the lights of Sal, Gaff, and of course, Poo.
Dipper Have you ever tried maybe tilting the machine?
Soos I don't know dudes, isn't breaking the rules like, against the rules?
Mabel Nuts to the rules!! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
Soos (loses)
Pinball Machine Failure! You stink!!
Soos All right, that's it! Are you ready, kids?
Mabel and Dipper (tilting the machine) Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
Pinball Machine Quit tiltin', partner. Quit tiltin'!
Soos

Tilt! (tilts the ball into the goal)

Pinball Machine Bullseye!! New high score!!
Mabel, Dipper and Soos (Cheering)
Soos This is the best moment of my life. This totally beats my old best moment. (has flashback to aforementioned best moment)
Pinball Machine That ain't right. You cheated.
Mabel Oh, yeah. What are you gonna do about it? You're just a Pinball game, Pinball game. Taunt, taunt.
Dipper Uh, guys, there's an awful lot of green lightning coming out of that game.
Soos No, that's the normal amount of green lightning.
(lightning strikes them)
Soos

(lying down and hitting a buzzer) Uh, 5 more minutes.(gets up) Ah! Wait. That's not a normal alarm clock.

Dipper (runs up with Mabel) Soos! We're inside the game! Crazy!
Mabel Sweet Moses!
Soos Hushed exclamation of wonder! (everyone runs to a part of the pinball game)
Dipper Awesome!
Mabel (jumping around on the buzzers) Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing!
Soos Dude, if this is a dream, I never want to wake up!
Pinball Machine That can be arranged. Welcome to Tumbleweed Terror, partners.
Soos Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy. Did you zap me into the game to congratulate me on my new score? I beat Poo, dude!
Pinball Machine Pardon, and if'n I do recall, I did warned y'all not to cheat. I tried to be gentleman-like, but I'm plum sick of being tilted. So, now I reckon, I'm gonna tilt you.
Soos Well, take this! (Hits a button but hits himself in the eye) Ow! And this! (Punches himself again) Ow! It hurts. I wish this was working better. And this!

Aw, dude! (Knocks himself out)

Mabel and Dipper Soos!
Pinball Machine (Laughs) Get yourselves ready for the...
Dipper Multi-Ball!
Soos Multi-Ball!
Mabel Multi-Ball!
Pinball Machine Ha ha ha ha ha! (the twins and Soos run from the 3 balls coming after them)
Dipper Over there!
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos (run behind a wall)
Pinball Machine

Where are you? I'm not done teaching you a lesson about cheating yet.

Dipper How are we gonna get out of here? Think guys.
Soos I'm trying. But it's hard with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me. (Waves at her) OK. Don't worry, guys, I know every inch of this machine. There's a manual power switch inside. I can sneak in there and turn off the game. But we'll have to distract the cowboy guy. Are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?
Mabel (Looking up) My time has come.
Dipper Alright, let's go Soos. Soos?
Soos (to the pinball wench:) So are you like doing anything later?
Dipper (kicks the wench)
Soos Oh, right.
Pinball Machine Come on out and show yourselves, varmints.
Mabel (jumps up on a buzzer) Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me and listen to what I'm doing! BUZZZZZZ! DISTRACTION! DISTRACTION!
Dipper (singing)
Pinball Machine Something ain't right here. Let me see where this is going.
Soos (gets in a cart, rolls down behind the pinball machine)
Pinball Machine Ha ha ha ha. Yippy ti yi what? Where are ya? (Tries to turn) Durnet, I wish I had a neck.
Dipper Soos, pssssst. What's going on? Just press the switch already!
Soos Ok, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking. According to this, turning off the power will erase the scores permanently. That score is like my one life accomplishment.
Dipper What? If you don't hurry up, we could die in here!
Soos Fair point. But, what is life anyway when compared to the immortality of a high score?
Dipper Soos, are you out of your--!
Pinball Machine There y'all are. Get ready to meet your maker, kids. My maker is Ballway Games in Redmond, Washington. (inhales)
Dipper and Mabel (being sucked torward the cowboy skull) Woooooaah!
Dipper Soos!
Mabel Soos, please!
Dipper Turn it off!!
Soos Uhhh Uhh. Goodbye high score. (Pushes the button and the pinball game stops)
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos (wake up outside the game)
Soos Woah!! You dudes okay?
Mabel Yes! You did it! You freed us!
Dipper Hey man, I'm sorry you had to lose your high score.
Soos That's OK. I've got a new life accomplishment now. Saving you dudes.
Dipper and Mabel Awwwww.
Soos You think that pinball wench will call me?
Back to real life
Stan I can't believe this nonsense. Magic tonics? Soos winning at something? Where did you come up with this stuff? I'll tell you a good story. It's called "Grunkle Stan wins the football bowl".
Cut to a football stadium. Stan makes a touchdown and dances
Football player Mr. Pines, I thought that old folks were useless, but you taught me and my gloating friends a lesson.
Beautiful Woman (arriving in a gigantic trophy) Here is your football winning trophy, Mr. Pines.
Stan Thanks, beautiful woman. But I couldn't have done it without my sidekick, Footbot.
Footbot Thank you for building me, Daddy!
Stan and football players (laugh as fireworks go off)
Footbot I love you, Stan.
Back to real life
Soos, Dipper and Mabel Boooooo!!
Stan What? That story was great! I even threw in a talking robot for the kids.
Mabel Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story. A story called Trooth Ache!
Title card appears. Dipper, Mabel, and Stan are in the driveway while Manly Dan ties up a bear
Stan This attraction is gonna make me a fortune. Easy with that bear, Corduroy! I need him in showroom condition.
Bear (Roars)
Manly Dan No, Noo!!!! (wrestles the bear)
Mabel Aaaaawww. They're hugging.
Dipper So, let me get this straight. Your plan is to teach a bear to ride a bicycle?
Stan No. Come on, everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear. No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear to drive.
Cut to Stan's car driving crazily on the road. The bear is driving, Stan is in the passenger seat, and Dipper and Mabel are in the back seat.
Stan And the yellow light means speed up. (Hears cops' siren noise) Uh oh.
Blubbs and Durland (stops Stan's car)
Stan What seems to be the problem, officers?
Sheriff Blubs There better be a darn good explanation for this.
Stan Oh there is. You see, I'm a very old man. Not long for this Earth. And the doctors assigned me a seeing eye bear to drive me to the hospital in case of an emergencies.
Sheriff Blubs Is that right? Then, where is your doctor's note?
Stan Why, it's right here, inside my jacket. (writes note inside jacket quickly) There you go. (gives them the note)
Sheriff Blubs Well, I can't argue with Dr. Medicine.
Stan To the hospital, honeypants!
Bear (roars and drives away)
Cuts to later in the Mystery Shack. Stan is painting rocks under a sign titled "Real Gold!" Mabel walks up to him.
Mabel Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen? Don't you know lying is always wrong?
Stan Mabel, when you get to be my age, you'll learn that you sometimes have to bend the truth for the greater good. (eats spaghetti)
Dipper (comes in) Hey, have any of you seen my plate of spaghetti?
Stan (hides spaghetti behind him while turning around to Dipper) No... But I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat.
Dipper This is a dark day. Thanks, Grunkle Stan. (runs off)
Stan See? Greater good.
Mabel Aaaaah!
Cuts to Mabel with Waddles in her bed
Mabel Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan? (Making Waddles talk:) He needs to stop lying. (regular voice:) I know, but how do we stop him? (Making him talk again:) Maybe you should check Dipper's journal. Oink Oink. (regular:) Say oink one more time. (Waddles:) Oink Oink. (regular:) Waddles, you genius!
Mabel (opens book) Buried underneath the deep forest are the truth teeth, which forces upon the wearer the inability to lie. Hmmm.
Cut to Stan sleeping at night
Mabel (Puts truth teeth in his mouth and wakes him up)
Stan What? What's going on? Huh? Mabel?
Mabel Quick question. What happened to Dipper's spaghetti plate?
Stan I ate it because I have little to no concern about other people's possessions or emotions. (realizes what he just said) That was strangely candid. Almost as if I am unable to lie. Well, good night. (goes to sleep)
Cut to that morning. Mabel is whispering in Dipper's ear.
Dipper You what? That's seems like a horrible idea!
Mabel It's a great!. Now he has to tell the truth.
Dipper Hmmm..
Stan (gives them plates) Scrambled meat, here it is.
Dipper Stan, what do you do in secret everyday during your lunch break?
Stan Usually, I spend the hour aggressively scratching myself in places I shouldn't mention. Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact by pretending to read this newspaper and going to the bathroom without washing my hands. (leaves)
Dipper and Mabel Eeeeeeewww!
Dipper Well, that was disturbing.
Mabel Don't worry, Dipper. The truth is always a good thing.
Cut to later that day
Unnamed ugly man (to Stan) Hey, excuse me. Do you think this t-shirt is my size?
Stan Never mind the t-shirt! Hey everyone, look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!
Mabel (leads man away) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Later

Stan

Doing my taxes.

Dipper (looking at taxes) Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?
Stan Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.
Dipper You might wanna...tuck that one away there. (shreds paper)
Dipper, Mabel and Stan are watching TV, with an Alex Hirsch look alike on a unicycle while juggling.
Dipper and Mabel Hahahahaha!!!
Stan Sometimes, I think. Is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet, release of death?
Mabel (rocks back and forth)
Dipper (shivers)
Later
Stan (yelling up to Dipper and Mabel, who are in their room) Kids, I think I have a growth forming on my back. Just wanted to be honest with you guys.
Dipper I can't take it anymore, Mabel! We need to take those teeth out of his mouth.
Mabel But then he'll be a liar again.
Dipper Could it possibly be any worse than this? (Doorbell rings)
Sheriff Blubs So, after further investigation, it turns out that there is no Dr. Medicine in Gravity Falls.
Deputy Durland You better have a darn good explanation for this.
Stan Oh and I do. You see, I lied to you. In addition to that I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.
Sheriff Blubs (Drops his coffee) Is all of this true?
Dipper No! No, it's not true. Right, Mabel?
Mabel Uh, sirs, I have to be completely and truly honest with you. Our Great Uncle Stan is...is...Stan is.. secretly a crime fiction writer!
Sheriff Blubs What?
Mabel Yeah. He was just telling you about a character in his upcoming page turner, Crime Grandpa! He's never committed a crime in his life. Also, have you lost weight?
Sheriff Blubs Finally! Someone noticed.
Deputy Durland Wow, an author! Can you teach me how to read?
Stan What? Author?
Mabel Ha ha, writers, masters of fiction. Good night, officers. (Close the door and sighs)
Dipper Hey, you alright?
Mabel I can't believed I lied.
Dipper Mabel, it was for the greater good.
Mabel Yeah, the greater good.
Stan Hello? Police station? I forgot to tell him about my tax fraud. No, tax fraud. (Mabel and Dipper jump on top of him.) What's gotten into you kids?
Mabel (Pulls out the teeth) We have to find a place to get rid of these!
Cuts to Mabel throwing out the box into the bottomless pit at the beginning of the episode.
Mabel And I never saw that box full of magical teeth again. (Closes out to the box next to Stan) Oh wait, there it is.
Soos, Dipper & Stan (sighs)
Soos Oh, sweet! My shoes! (Puts his shoes back on)
Stan I like the part with the bear. The rest of it seems pretty far-fetched.
Dipper Mabel, we already know that story! We just lived through it.
Soos If we're living through that story right now, than how does it end?
Dipper Guys, do you see that?
Soos What is that?
Dipper Oh no!
Mabel Where are we going?
Stan Doesn't seem good! (Everyone screams at the same time)
Stan Where...where are we?
Mabel (gasps) The Shack!! Which means.. we came right back out the top.
Dipper And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.
Soos Yeah, dude. That sounds sciency enough to be true.
Stan But that's impossible. No one will believe us.
Mabel Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.
Everyone Agreed. (The sign falls and Stan falls into the hole)
Mabel He'll be fine.
Cuts to credits.
Stan (Falling in silence down the hole. Sigh) ..................................... This is stupid.

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