FANDOM


Warner Bros.' Beetlejuice - iTunes Movie Poster
       FADE IN:
       EXT. WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT - DAY
       A crisp and perfect New England town.  Almost too neat
       to be real.  No visible townspeople.  CAMERA EXPLORES
       town.


       CAMERA FLIES
       over a rickety bridge -- PAST the Maitland Hardware and
       Appliance store -- PAST the church -- the Historical
       Society -- UP over the graveyard on the hill and
       finally --
       To the Maitland house.  The perfect Victorian house
       surveying the tiny village.  Suddenly --


       A GIANT DADDY LONGLEGS SPIDER
       mounts the crest of the hill beside the house, pauses to
       wave a spindly leg and then creeps menacingly on top of
       the Maitland house.
                               ADAM (O.S..)
                 Well, well, you're a big fella...!
       A hand -- as big as God's -- with a huge tweezer,
       gently reaches down out of the sky and lies, palm up,
       in the yard next to the house.  Daddy Longlegs climbs
       into it.  The hand rises into the sky again.


       INT. ATTIC - NEW ANGLE - DAY
       Reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while The
       Daddy Longlegs and the hand are normal size.  Above the
       model are a homely representation of moon, sun, and
       stars -- a whole, tiny, mechanical universe to track
       the hours of the day.  A large plat map of the city is
       prominent on the wall.
       The hand is ADAM MAITLAND'S.  In his late 30's, he's a
       solid easy-going citizen.  Capra used to make movies
       about him.
       Adam's model town sprawls across most of the attic
       space.  Windows on either end of the attic shed good
       light into the warm room.  Adam very carefully lifts
       the spider out the open window.  Smiles as he drips him
       lightly on the breeze.


       CAMERA TILTS UP FROM THE WINDOW
       To see the real Winter River, laid out exactly as the
       model, at the foot of the hill.  Adam breathes deeply
       and looks very pleased at the glorious town below him.


       ON HIS HUGE HAND AGAIN
       as it reaches into model and tweezes a tiny sign into
       the tiny window of Maitland's Hardware Store on main
       street.  It reads:
                   ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND
                              ARE
                          ON VACATION!
                             HOORAY!
       Adam leans down and eyes the sign.
                               BARBARA
                        (behind him)
                 I'm ready!
       Adam turns to see entering:  BARBARA MAITLAND, 35 -- a
       wholesome beauty who is mellowing well.  She smiles at
       him.  Perhaps a certain tinge of sadness about her,
       because they don't have children.
                               ADAM
                        (happy to see her)
                 She's ready.
                               BARBARA
                        (eyeing the model)
                 It looks great.
                               ADAM
                        (nodding)
                 Thanks.
       She pushes a wrapped present across the table.
                               BARBARA
                 Happy vacation, honey!
       Adam smiles and gives her a present he's hidden under
       the table.  He opens his present.  A can of furniture
       oil.
                               ADAM
                 Manchurian Tung oil?
                        (playfully grabs
                         Barbara and kisses
                         her)
                 Where did you get it?
                               BARBARA
                 Helen got it for me in Oslo.
                 There's enough to refinish the
                 gateleg table and the cherry
                 wardrobe...
       Adam hands Barbara a carefully-wrapped bundle -- she
       unwraps her gift... rolls of very expensive floral
       wallpaper.  She cradles it in her arms like gold leaf.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, Adam... it's beautiful.
       Adam nods, and embraces her.
                               ADAM
                 Enough to do the guest room...
                               BARBARA
                        (cooing)
                 I'm so glad we're spending our
                 vacation at home...
                        (with a sudden resolve)
                 ... I'm going to get started right
                 now!
                               ADAM
                        (pulling her back)
                 Whoa!... hold on...
       Barbara calms down, returning to Adam's embrace... as:
       PHONE RINGS -- They freeze, then grin.
                               ADAM & BARBARA
                        (unison)
                 No one's home!
       HONK HONK outside.  They look at each other horrified.
       Peer out the window.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh no.
                               ADAM
                        (pointing at her)
                 It's your turn, darling.
       She shakes her head with resignation and goes downstairs.
       KNOCKING on door from below.


       INT. STAIRCASE AND KITCHEN - DAY
       CAMERA FOLLOWS Adam and Barbara downstairs.  We see the
       rambling, old fashioned quality to the house.
       Clean, sentimental, warm and floral.  Some rooms in
       progress.  They continue down the main staircase past
       photos of themselves, old photos of the early days of
       Winter River, pictures and mementos of three
       generations in hardware.  Barbara goes to the kitchen
       and Adam continues down to the basement.


       HER POV - A WOMAN
       JANE BUTTERFIELD -- tall, gawky and aggressive peeks in
       the kitchen door.  She's divorced three husbands and
       buried another for good measure.  She's ruthless but is
       weirdly, seamlessly pleasant.  She waves a legal sized
       paper at them, starts to come inside.


       INT./EXT. KITCHEN DOOR
       Barbara makes dash for it and holds it just as Jane gets
       a foot in.  Jane smiles wildly.
                               JANE
                 Hi, Barb!  I'm glad I caught you.
                 I heard you were on vacation!
                               BARBARA
                 That's right, Jane.  Complete
                 vacation.
                               JANE
                 Honey -- today I am three hundred
                 fifty thousand dollars!
                               BARBARA
                 No!  Jane, it is 6:45 in the
                 morning!
                               JANE
                 Look at me, think of me as cash!
                 This offer is really real!  From a
                 rich man in New York City who only
                 saw a photograph!
                        (rattles on)
                 My buyer has just made a killing
                 in condos in Manhattan, but he's
                 got a little stress problem...
                        (taps her head)
                 ... so -- he wants to bring the
                 wife and kid for the old peace and
                 quiet.
                               BARBARA
                 That's what we're looking for,
                 too.
                               JANE
                 Barbara Maitland, sweetie, just
                 listen now.  This house is too
                 big.  It really ought to be for a
                 couple with a family.
       That hurts Barbara a little.  She looks at Jane.
                               JANE
                        (continuing)
                 Oh, honey... I didn't mean
                 anything... it's just too big for
                 you.
       Jane compulsively affixes her business card, face inside.
       in the windowpane.
                               BARBARA
                        (shutting door)
                 'Bye, Jane, see you in a few
                 weeks.


       ADAM
       is humming happily, looking for paint brushes in the
       ground floor storeroom.  He spies a cassette deck and
       looks through a stack of cassettes and plays one.  It
       is an old INKSPOTS LOVE SONG.


       INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY
       Barbara is starting to paper the walls already.  She
       frowns at the MUSIC.  Goes to the door.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, honey.  You said no Inkspots
                 on this vacation!
       It CLICKS OFF.  She goes back into the room.


       INT. STOREROOM - DAY
       Adam puts away the tape but keeps humming the song.  He
       opens the shutters on a small window.  ON WINDOW...
                               JANE
                        (her huge face
                         grinning at him)
                 Boo!
       He jumps back, frightened.
                               ADAM
                 No, Jane.
       Adam closes the shutters as Jane affixes yet another
       card to the window.  He continues his search for a
       brush.


       JANE
       exits jauntily, flapping her contract down the lawn.


       INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
       Adam continues rummaging for a brush.  Can't find it.
                               ADAM
                        (calling to distant
                         Barbara)
                 Honey, come with me down to the
                 store?
                               BARBARA (O.S.)
                 What for?
                               ADAM
                 I need a good brush for this Tung
                 oil and I want to pick up a piece
                 of the model.  Let's go early
                 before anyone sees us.
       Barbara has already papered a few rolls in the guest
       room.
                               BARBARA
                 Okay, but let's hurry back.  You
                 just run in okay?


       EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
       The Victorian house from the model "in the flesh."
       Adam stands by the station wagon.
       On the bumper of the car is a sticker reading:
       WARNING:  I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS.
       Barbara gets in driver's side.  They drive off.


       INT. THE CAR - DAY
       Adam dusts the inside of the dashboard.  Clean Clean.
                               BARBARA
                        (preoccupied)
                 Jane said we should sell the house
                 to someone with a family.
                               ADAM
                 Ah, the ever-tactful Jane.
       Puts his hand on her shoulder.


       EXT. THE RIVER AND BRIDGE AND HILL - DAY
       We see the car coming down the hill toward the bridge.
                               ADAM (V.O.)
                 We should be flattered that she
                 wants to sell our house.
                               BARBARA (V.O.)
                 I know... I just wish she'd leave
                 us alone.
                               ADAM (V.O.)
                 Let's not think about it.  We'll
                 have a nice romantic, quiet,
                 vacation.  Here comes the bridge
                 chorus.
       Car reaches the rickety covered bridge.  Car shakes,
       bobbing up and down on every plank.
       ON Barbara and Adam TIGHT -- (they've done this routine
       before).  They sing an old Johnny Mathis song.  With a
       lot of vibrato.
                               TOGETHER
                 Chances are... When I wear a
                 foolish grin...
       They laugh.


       EXT. DOWNTOWN WINTER RIVER - DAY
       Just like the model, but real.  And populated.
       CAMERA PAUSES ON a gorgeous storefront with a brass
       lion out front.  Sign above doors says --
                     BOZMAN BUILDING 1835
       An old man polishes the lion as Maitlands drive by and
       wave.
                               BARBARA (V.O.)
                 Wave at the lion.
                               ADAM (V.O.)
                 Don't forget the balls, Ernie.
                               BARBARA (V.O.)
                        (embarrassed)
                 Adam!
       Ernie looks around to see no one's looking and polishes
       the balls of the lion.


       CAMERA SPIES A JAUNTY DOG
       like Benji, peeing on the opposite corner of the lion.
       Maitlands drive by store with sign:
                       JANE BUTTERFIELD
                           ANTIQUES
                          REAL ESTATE
                            TRAVEL


       INT. ANTIQUE STORE REAL ESTATE OFFICE TRAVEL AGENCY -
       DAY
       The store is bursting with antiques of all sorts,
       travel brochures, photographs of houses for sale, and a
       serve-yourself Xerox machine.  LITTLE JANE, her eight-
       year-old daughter is drudgingly making copies.
       Jane, phone in hand, rushes to the window to watch
       Maitlands drive by.  Almost popping the cord when it
       reaches its end.  She's waiting for the other party to
       pick up.
                               JANE
                 Y... ello.  Mrs. Deetz?  Well the
                 condition is what we country folk
                 call, fixin'... Yes, I think they
                 are fixin' to accept another
                 offer.  Well maybe if you offer
                 390,000 they'll take it.


       EXT. MAITLAND HARDWARE - DAY
       Adam sprints up the steps of his lovely hardware store.
       OLD BILL, a slightly-addled ancient barber, is napping
       in a chair in front of his shop, next door to Adam's.
       Adam fumbles with the lock, not interested in conver-
       sation.  He drops his keys, waking Old Bill.
                               OLD BILL
                 'Morning, Adam.  You need a
                 haircut before your vacation?
                               ADAM
                 No thanks, Bill.
                               OLD BILL
                 How's the model coming?
                               ADAM
                 Good, Bill -- Good.
       Bill turns around and continues prattling even though
       Adam has entered.  Bill prattles throughout.
                               OLD BILL
                 Y'know, I was thinkin'... you said
                 Bozman built the foundation in
                 1835 but y'know his grandson came
                 in here last week and said he
                 found a bottle with an 1836 stamp
                 in it plastered in the foundation.
                        (suddenly disgusted
                         at the memory)
                 He's got hair down to his
                 goddamned shoulders...


       INT. MAITLAND HARDWARE
       Adam pulls down a few good paintbrushes and carefully
       picks up a small model of the Bozman building.  He
       walks out.  Old Bill continues unabated.
                               OLD BILL
                 He said "Just give me a trim..." I
                 took a scissors to him so fast...
                 would've skimmed him clean if he
                 hadn't...
       Adam strides by quickly to the car.
                               ADAM
                 See you, Bill.
                               OLD BILL
                 Right.


       EXT. MAITLAND'S CAR - DAY
       The Maitlands drive their car out of town.


       ON JANE


       EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE - DAY
       Car approaches.


       INT. CAR - DAY
       Five brushes sit on the seat next to Adam.  He cradles
       small replica of the Bozman building, complete with
       brass lion.
                               BARBARA
                 It's a beauty.
                               ADAM
                 Yeah it turned out okay.  We
                 applied for a historical plaque
                 for it.  That'll be the third one
                 on Main Street.
                               BARBARA
                        (jokingly)
                 With all these historical
                 landmarks in town, where are they
                 going to put the condominiums?
                               ADAM
                        (grinning)
                 Slow down there, honey... I don't
                 want the vibration to weaken the
                 model.
                               BARBARA
                        (nervous)
                 Oh... I'm sorry...
       Barbara starts to apply the brakes.
       Just before the bridge the dog waddles out in the road.
       Stops to pee.  Barbara swerves.  As the car hits the
       rickety bridge, the speed is just a bit too much.
       Boards RATTLE and loosen, the car skews and catches in
       an open slot, careens to the right, then the left and
       the bridge.


       INT. CAR - DAY
       A piling has smashed through the window on the pas-
       senger side, crushing the upper part of Barbara's
       arm.  She is wailing in pain and fright.
       Adam tries to help Barbara.  He tries to get out of the
       car.  None of this succeeds.


       EXT. BRIDGE AND RIVER - DAY
       The dog finishes, looks over at the car, walks across
       the bridge and steps on the one board which holds the
       car aloft.
       The car rocks back and forth for a moment, and then
       slides forward toward the water.


       EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE
       The car plunges into the rushing water.  It floats
       for a moment, and then sinks like a stone.
                                                  FADE TO BLACK.


       FADE IN:
       INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
       Quiet, still, expectant.  There is a fire laid in the
       hearth.  Suddenly and for no apparent reason it ignites
       and burns with a furious cheerfulness.
       Barbara and Adam enter, dazed, wet, and bedraggled.
                               BARBARA
                 Something like this always happens
                 when we try to go on vacation.
                 Always.
       Adam leads her toward the fire.
                               ADAM
                 You'll feel better when you're
                 dry.
       He holds out his hands to be warmed.  Barbara comes up
       beside him.  All this time she's been holding her
       injured arm with the other hand.
                               BARBARA
                 This fire wasn't burning when we
                 left the house.
                               ADAM
                 How's your arm?
                               BARBARA
                 I'm not sure.  It feels... frozen.
       She holds her arms out to warm them.  One hand catches
       on fire.


       BARBARA'S LEFT ARM
       They stare at it dumbfoundedly before Adam regains his
       senses and snatches it out of the fire.  Two of the
       fingers are burning like candles, and Barbara indus-
       triously blows them out.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, Adam.
                                                  CUT TO:


       INT. LIVING ROOM:  A FEW MINUTES LATER - DAY
       They are sitting on the couch together.  Barbara is
       looking away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is
       drawing blood -- while Adam looks at her fingers.  He
       frowns.
       He looks at his skin.  It is pale.  He looks at
       Barbara.
                               ADAM
                 You'd better sit down, hon.
                               BARBARA
                 I am sitting.
                               ADAM
                 I'll tell you what, Barbara.  I
                 don't think we survived that
                 crash.
                               BARBARA
                        (pause)
                 Oh, Adam.  We're home.  In our own
                 house.  Nonsense.  I'll make some
                 coffee.  You get some more
                 firewood.
       Adam gets up, a little absently, she follows him as he
       wanders to the front door.  He peers out.
                               ADAM
                 Let's take things extra slow.  Do
                 you remember how we got back up
                 here?
       Barbara tests her hand, clenches and unclenches her
       fist.
                               BARBARA
                 I'm fine.  My arm works fine.
       Adam, exploring, opens the door, steps out on the front
       porch.


       EXT. FRONT PORCH - TWILIGHT
       Adam's face is painted with color of sunset.  He stands
       atop the steps leading down to the front yard.  Barbara
       stands just inside the open threshold, looking out
       worriedly.
                               BARBARA
                        (quiet sarcasm)
                 The end of a perfect day.
       Adam starts to step down to the yard.
                               ADAM
                 Honey, I'm gonna go down to the
                 bridge and retrace our steps.
       He steps off the last step into the yard and promptly
       disappears.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam!


       EXT. THE GREAT VOID
       Adam is nowhere.  There's no ground, no sky, nothing to
       stand on or hold onto or give boundaries or distance.
       Just vast nothing.  Not white and not colored either.
       NOISE OF A CLOCK TICKING.
       Adam looks about surprised, doesn't like what he
       doesn't see.  He turns around to head back up the
       steps.  There are no steps.
                               ADAM
                 Barbara?
       His VOICE ECHOES STRANGELY.  He runs off a little in
       the distance, and calls again from over there.
                               ADAM
                        (continuing; quietly)
                 Where are you?
       He goes even farther away.


       IN THE FOREGROUND
       an enormous geared wheel -- the size of a man -- rolls
       by, tearing up the unseamed ground.  Something pours up
       out of the tear -- ooze or stuffing.
       Adam runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is
       now out of sight.


       TWO SMALLER GEARS
       looking very much like components of a giant watch --
       spin along behind him.  One of them veers suddenly
       toward him, and though Adam jumps out of the way, the
       gear snags his trouser leg and shreds it.  LOUD
       TICKING.


       A PERFECTLY ENORMOUS GEAR
       comes barreling toward him.  Adam leaps out of its
       way.  The gear turns, fish-tailing, kicking up ooze and
       stuffing.
       Adam flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips
       into the path of the gear.  As he's about to be
       crushed, he's suddenly jerked up to safety.


       EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
       It's Barbara who's grabbed him, and quite evidently
       saved his life -- not life, perhaps -- but existence.
       He's shaken, breathless.
       Barbara stares at him, as if wondering what he's just
       been through.
                               ADAM
                        (weakly)
                 You saved my -- uh -- life... or
                 whatever...
                               BARBARA
                 Two hours.
                               ADAM
                 What?
                               BARBARA
                 That's how long you were gone.
                               ADAM
                        (pondering that)
                 ... Hmmm?


       INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
       Barbara leads Adam into the house.
                               ADAM
                 Anything happen while I was away?
                               BARBARA
                 Yes, it did.  Yes, it did.  I made
                 a couple of small discoveries.


       BARBARA
       stands by the mirror over the hearth mantle.  On the
       mantle is Barbara's prize collection of porcelain
       horses.  Adam comes to stand beside her.  They look
       into the mirror, and there is no reflection of them.
       Barbara picks up one of the horses, and trots it through
       the air.  The horse is imaged in the mirror.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 There's that, and there's this.
       She picks up an ancient, leather-bound book.  It's
       yellow and worn, about the size of the Boy Scout
       manual.
       CLOSEUP:  Its title is HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY
       DECEASED.
                               ADAM
                        (reading)
                 Handbook for the recently
                 diseased.
                               BARBARA
                 Deceased.  I don't know where it
                 came from.  Look at the publisher.
                               ADAM
                        (he does and reads)
                 Handbook for the Recently Deceased
                 Press.
                               BARBARA
                        (finally admit-
                         ting it)
                 I don't think we survived the
                 crash.


       INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
       Adam is already in bed, reading from the handbook.
       Barbara is getting ready for bed -- going through a
       ritual of sorts that they practiced every night of
       their married lives.
                               BARBARA
                 I don't like situations like this.
                 I hate it when I'm not in control.
                 So just tell me the basics.
                               ADAM
                 This book isn't arranged that
                 way.  What do you want to know?
                               BARBARA
                 There are a thousand things... Why
                 did you disappear when you walked
                 off the front porch?  Is this a
                 punishment?  Are we halfway to
                 heaven or are we halfway to hell?
                 And how long is this going to
                 last?
                               ADAM
                 I don't see anything about
                 "Rewards and Punishments" or
                 "Heaven and Hell."
                        (frustrated)
                 This book reads like stereo
                 instructions!  Listen to this...
                 'Geographical and Temporal
                 Perimeters... Functional
                 perimeters vary from manifestation
                 to manifestation."  This is going
                 to take some time.


       BARBARA
       paces, she trips on her wallpaper rolls.  Kicks them.
                               BARBARA
                 I knew I'd never finish the guest
                 room.  Adam, we just can't stay in
                 here forever!
       They look at each other, the question hangs in the air.
       Can't they?
       Adam stands and walks to the window.
                               ADAM
                        (thoughtfully)
                 Maybe we should set up a normal
                 routine.
       She looks at him like he's nuts.
                               ADAM
                        (continuing)
                 I mean, let's try to nail down
                 something in our lives.  A regular
                 schedule.  We can keep track of
                 time and go on with our projects
                 up here in the attic.
       She shakes her head, exasperated.  Flops down on the
       bed.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, God, maybe this is all just a
                 bad dream.
       ON ADAM - TIGHT - a somber look comes across his face.
                               ADAM
                 I'm afraid not, honey.
       Barbara looks up at him, questioningly.
                               BARBARA
                 Why?  What's wrong?  Adam?
       She stands and joins him at the window.


       THEIR POV THROUGH THE WINDOW
       In the distance we see an automobile funeral procession
       threading its way toward the nearby cemetery.  Head-
       lights are on.  We recognize Jane's car in the line.


       REVERSE ON BARBARA AND ADAM
       somber faces.


       TIGHTER ON PROCESSION
       It arrives at the gravesite.  We see some familiar
       faces, Ernie, and Old Bill the Barber.  Jane and little
       Jane watch as two identical coffins are carried to-
       gether, to two open graves.


       ON BARBARA AND ADAM
       She drops her head sadly on his shoulder.  He leans his
       face slightly into hers.
                                                  FADE OUT.


       FADE IN:
       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Adam is setting up a small monument in the model town
       cemetery.  It reads:  ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND/UNITED
       IN LIFE/UNDIVIDED IN DEATH.
                               ADAM
                 I wish I had a better view of the
                 cemetery from up here.  I don't
                 know which area is the best
                 placement for us.
       Barbara, trying to clean, lets out a frustrated YELP!
       She paces.
                               ADAM
                        (continuing)
                 Cabin fever, han?
                               BARBARA
                 I can't clean anything.  The
                 vacuum is out in the garage.  I
                 can't leave the house.  Why don't
                 they tell us something?  Where are
                 all the other dead people in the
                 world?  Why is it just you and me?
                               ADAM
                 Maybe this is heaven.
                               BARBARA
                        (looking at the
                         dusty walls)
                 In heaven there wouldn't be dust
                 on the wallpaper.
                               ADAM
                 Hon... I didn't want to die, but
                 really, this is fine with me.
                 Look, we never have to wash dishes
                 again.
                               BARBARA
                 Dishes?  We haven't eaten in three
                 weeks!  Adam, I'm not like you.  I
                 really need to be around people,
                 get out to the church and go
                 grocery shopping.
                               ADAM
                 But I'm not hungry, are you?
       Barbara shakes her head and picks up the Handbook and
       pages through it desperately.
                               BARBARA
                 I keep having this feeling that
                 something has got to happen.
       CAR DOOR SLAMS outside.  Adam and Barbara look at one
       another.  Run to window.


       EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
       Jane Butterfield is staring up at the old house.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Adam, from his angle, can just barely see her.
                               ADAM
                 God, it's Jane.
                               BARBARA
                 What's she doing here?
                               ADAM
                 I don't know.
                        (shouting)
                 Jane, Jane, up here!


       EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
       Unhearing, Jane heads for car.  SOUND OF WIND UP.
       Blows her dress.  Little Jane straggles along with her
       like an apprentice.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Barbara watches Adam, and shakes her head.  He stops.
                               BARBARA
                 She can't see you, right?
       Adam nods.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 In the book, Rule Number Two:  the
                 living usually won't see the dead.
                               ADAM
                 Won't?  Or can't?
                               BARBARA
                 Just says "won't."  Wait a minute.
                 Here it says "the living are
                 arrogant... they think they'll
                 never die, so they refuse to see
                 the dead."
                               ADAM
                 Arrogant.  That's Jane all right...
       Barbara sighs and nods.
                               BARBARA
                 At least we won't have to worry
                 about her.
       Adam smiles and goes to his model.


       EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
       Jane drives away.  CAMERA HINGES to see a FOR SALE
       sign.  Across it -- another smaller banner.  It reads:
       SOLD!
                                                  CUT TO:


       INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING
       The Maitlands are asleep.  CAMERA EXPLORES the room a
       bit.  It is getting slightly tatty.  Adam rolls over,
       pulling the covers off Barbara.  We see:
       ON BARBARA -- she is hovering off the side of the bed.
       An OMINOUS RUMBLE -- like a 4.0 earthquake shakes
       the house.  GLASS RATTLES, the ceramic horses on the
       mantelpiece jump around.  Barbara falls to the floor.
       They look at one another with horror.  They leap up and
       run downstairs.


       INT.  LIVING ROOM - DAY
       The RUMBLE BUILDS TO A CLIMAX, there is a LOUD METALLIC
       SQUEAL, and then a CRASH... just as Barbara and Adam
       arrive.


       THE FRONT DOOR
       smashes open revealing a moving van ramp.


       A TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC-BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH
       slides smoothly down the ramp.  On the couch sits DELIA
       DEETZ.
       The couch CRASHES into the base of the staircase,
       smashing the newel post and several of the balusters.
       Barbara cringes.  One of the balusters falls at Delia's
       side.  She grasps it like a scepter.
       Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp.
                               MOVING MAN #1
                 Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz.
                               DELIA
                 Don't worry.  It was going anyway.
       Delia is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashion-
       able, relentlessly thin -- totally self assured.
       She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut Barbara
       and Adam's house and remake it in her own very upscale
       image.
       Delia's gaze is on the living room, but she looks 
       through Adam and Barbara as if they weren't even there
       (which to her eyes they're not).
       Still holding the baluster, Delia gets up off the couch
       and moves into the living room, surveying it with an
       odd mixture of ambition, and resolution.


       BEHIND HER
       the two Moving Men bring in a matching blue leather
       armchair.  In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ.
       Lydia, age 14, is a pretty girl, but wan, pale and
       overly-dramatic, dressed as she is in her favorite
       color, black.  She's a combination of a little death
       rocker and an 80's version of Edward Gorey's little
       girls.
       She has a couple of expensive cameras around her neck
       -- and is already taking photographs of the moving
       men.  Lydia is cool, Lydia is sullen, Lydia is her
       father's daughter by his first marriage.  Lydia is
       usually about half-pissed off.  But underneath... we
       like her a lot.
       The Moving Men still hold up the chair, waiting for
       Delia to decide where she wants it.
                               DELIA
                        (continuing)
                 Jesus.  Who lived here?  The
                 Waltons?
       TIGHT ON Lydia -- calmly surveys the house.
       Delia signals wearily that the Moving Men can put the
       chair down anywhere.
                               DELIA
                        (continuing)
                 Get all this other crap out of
                 here.
       Lydia hops down out of the chair, and comes farther
       into the living room.
                               DELIA
                        (continuing)
                 Where is your father?... probably
                 in the kitchen.
       That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through
       the swinging door, and across the dining room... a ner-
       vous but basically pleasant man, CHARLES DEETZ is
       intent on attacking rest and relaxation with the same
       vengeance that earned him millions in real estate.
                               CHARLES
                 The noise in that kitchen.  Noisy
                 refrigerator, noisy faucets...
                 We'll have to replace it all.  I
                 want no humming in the house.


       LYDIA
       exploring on her own, gazes around the living room with
       growing pleasure, she backs up for a good angle to
       photograph.
       CAMERA HINGES -- She is standing with her back right up
       to Barbara -- who is horrified at this creature.
       Charles enters.
                               CHARLES
                        (to Lydia)
                 What do you think, honey?
                               LYDIA
                 Delia hates it.
       Lydia gazes at a dusty maze of spider webs.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 I could live here.
       A movement makes Lydia turn around and scream.  It is
       Delia.  Not Barbara.
                               DELIA
                 Settle down, Lydia.  I wonder
                 where we are going to get
                 counseling for you out here.
       A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the Deetz family's
       attention to the front windows.
                               OTHO (O.S.)
                 Help!  Oh help!


       OTHO'S MASSIVE BODY
       Wedged in the window frame.  The short, stubby legs,
       dressed in the world's largest pair of Georgia Armani
       slacks, protrude into the living room, waving fran-
       tically.  Expensive Italian loafers are kicked off the
       feet, revealing a pair of expensive patterned socks.
       By their feet shall ye know them.
                               DELIA
                 It's Otho!
                               CHARLES
                 Otho, why didn't you just come in
                 the door?
       Otho's voice comes as if from a great distance.
                               OTHO (O.S.)
                 It's bad luck.  And I believe
                 hugely in luck.
                               DELIA
                 Hold your breath and we'll pull.
       Delia turns to Charles and Lydia for help -- doesn't
       get it -- and at last pulls Otho into the living room
       single-handedly.
       All this while the Moving Men are variously carting out
       the handsome old furniture and bringing in the hideous
       new furniture.
       Otho is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and
       faggoty.  But he's not all fat and fun -- this customer
       carries nasty emotional weight as well.


       OTHO
       holds onto the curtains for support as he is pulled
       through the window.  And when he is at last all the way
       through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly gives a
       tremendous yank.  The whole drapery apparatus,
       including valences, crashes to the floor.
                               OTHO
                 That was the single most
                 unattractive window treatment I
                 have ever seen in the entire of my
                 existence.
                               DELIA
                        (starry eyed)
                 I'm so glad you could leave the
                 city to consult me, Otho.
       Otho is looking around the room with an eye of quiet
       horror.
                               OTHO
                 Yes, of course you are.  Well,
                 Otho had an intuition.  Call it a
                 hunch -- that it was going to be a
                 fabled monstrosity of a house.
                 And it certainly is.  Charles,
                 you're lucky the yuppies are
                 buying condos, so you can afford
                 what I'm going to have to do to
                 this place.  We are talking from
                 the ground ups'ville!
                               CHARLES
                 That's fine, Otho.  Just keep me
                 out of it.  I am here to relax and
                 clip coupons.  And goddamnit, I
                 mean to do it.
       He exits to find solace in a quiet corner of his house.
       During this speech, Otho has been surreptitiously pos-
       ing for Lydia's camera.  She clicks the shutter.
                               OTHO
                        (ignoring her)
                 Is the rest of the house as bad as
                 this?
                               DELIA
                 The rest of the house is probably
                 worse.  When can you and I get
                 started?
                               OTHO
                 No time like the present, as my
                 wicked stepmother used to say.
       Out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgia Armani
       jacket, Otho takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind
       the graffiti artists use -- and shakes them as if they
       were castanets.  They certainly sound like it.
                               OTHO
                 Delia, let's get this show on the
                 road.


       INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
       At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic,
       Barbara and Adam are slumped against opposite walls.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam, we are in hell.  I hate
                 these people.
                               ADAM
                 They make Jane look good.
                               BARBARA
                 Is this a punishment for something
                 we did in life?  What can we do?
                               ADAM
                        (determined)
                 We're not completely helpless.
                 I've been reading the book.
                 There's a word for people in our
                 predicament, honey.
       Barbara looks at him.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 Ghosts!
       Barbara is shocked at the reality.
       Otho and Delia come up the stairs at the end of the
       hallway.
                               OTHO
                 We're dealing with negative
                 entertainment potential here.  I
                 mean, there's absolutely no organic
                 walking flow-through.
       Otho looks down the hallway.  It's empty.  Adam and
       Barbara are no longer there.
                               DELIA
                 What's wrong?
                               OTHO
                 I thought I saw something.
       DeLia turns and spray-paints on the wall -- in luminous
       orange -- the word MAUVE.
                               DELIA
                 Okay?
                               OTHO
                        (screaming with delight)
                 You read my mind!  I love clients
                 who can read my mind.  I don't
                 think people realize how strong a
                 connection there is between
                 interior design and the
                 supernatural.
                               DELIA
                        (fawning)
                 I know... I read your book, The
                 Haunted Tapestries of the Waldorf.
                               OTHO
                 Gooood!
       Delia opens the door and they step inside another room.
                               DELIA
                 This will be Lydia's room.


       INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - DAY
       It's not Lydia's room yet, of course, because it still
       has the Maitlands' furniture in it.  Barbara had partly
       wallpapered it before the accident.  Her tools are still
       there.
                               DELIA
                 What do you think?
                               OTHO
                 Viridian?
                               DELIA
                 Viridian?  What is...?
       Otho spray-paints the word VIRIDIAN on the wall -- plus
       the word BLUE GREEN -- and Cr2 03, right over a picture
       of Adam and Barbara as kids.
                               OTHO
                 Blue-green!  Hydrated chromic
                 oxide!  Remember I'm schooled in
                 chemistry.  I was a hair analyst!
                 Briefly.  Interior design is a
                 science, Delia!  Think of me as
                 Doctor Otho.
                        (looking at wall)
                 And this patient is truly sick!
                               DELIA
                 Of course, her favorite color!
                 How beautiful!
       Delia smiles.  Behind Delia and Otho, the room's closet
       door swings slowly open with and ominous CREAK.


       DELIA AND OTHO
       turn that way, with a suggestion of dread.  Inside the
       closet, Barbara's corpse is suspended from the ceiling
       by a belt.  The corpse twists with a CREAK, and Barbara
       grins ghostly -- and slowly tears off her face, leaving
       nothing but muscle and bone beneath.  Her eyeballs
       dangle on her cheeks.
       Delia and Otho stare aghast.
                               DELIA
                 Oh my God!
                               OTHO
                 We just have to pray that the
                 other closets are bigger than this
                 one.
       He walks over.  Looks inside.
                               OTHO
                        (continuing)
                 Were these people dwarfes? (sic)
                        (spies something)
                 Oooooo!...  Look!
       He finds, neatly hung in plastic, the Maitlands'
       wedding outfits.  Totally captivated by this powerful
       image, he peers through the plastic at them.  Holding
       each up to Delia.  Barbara watches wide-eyed at them.
                               OTHO
                        (continuing)
                 Ozzie...
                        (holding up
                         her dress)
                 ... and... Harriet!  What happened
                 to these people?
       Delia slams the door in Barbara's contorted face.
                               DELIA
                 They died.


       INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME
       Delia and Otho come out of Lydia's bedroom and go
       through the bathroom.  Disgusted, they continue on to
       the study.


       OTHO
       reaches out and turns the knob.  The door swings omi-
       nously open on Charles' study.  This had been Adam's
       reading and birdwatching study.  Bird posters on the
       wall, books everywhere.  Straight out of Better Homes
       and Gardens 1963.
                               OTHO
                 Ooo.  Deliver me from L.L. Bean!


       ANGLE
       There is one slight difference, however, because on the
       rag rug in the middle of the floor lies Adam's headless
       corpse.  Standing over him, holding in one hand a long
       knife and in the other Adam's blood-and-gore dripping
       head is Barbara -- with a maniacal look on her face.
       Behind them, Charles is thumbing through Adam's Audubon
       collection.  He sits up like a cornered animal protect-
       ing his territory.
                               CHARLES
                        (to Otho and Delia)
                 This room is off limits.  I don't
                 want either of you to touch one
                 piece of furniture in here.  This
                 is my room.


       INSIDE THE ROOM
       The eyes of Adam's severed head open and look up at
       Barbara -- she stops screaming.
                               ADAM'S HEAD
                 They don't see us.  They can't
                 hear us.
       Outside, Delia is shaking her head.
                               DELIA
                 The woman who lived here had the
                 aesthetic instincts of Betty
                 Crocker.
                               BARBARA
                 I'm going to get her.
                               DELIA
                 I cannot convey to you the extent
                 to which this house bores me.
                               OTHO
                        (looking around
                         scientifically)
                 Once you cover up the wallpaper,
                 knock down a few walls, alter the
                 traffic patterns, and -- perhaps
                 -- think about an inground pool --
                 the place might just be livable.
                 What's on the third floor?
                               DELIA
                 Attic space.
                               OTHO
                 Let's see.  We could turn that
                 into a media room.
       They head up the stars to the attic.


       INT. STUDY - SAME TIME
       Adam's head has a look of terror on it.
                               ADAM'S HEAD
                 Oh, God.  I forgot to lock the
                 attic door!
       Adam's headless body jumps up off the floor and rushes
       out of the room.


       INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - SAME TIME
       Otho and Delia climbing.  The headless corpse careens
       past them, around the bend in the stairs and out of
       sight.
                               OTHO
                 Did you feel something?
       Delia shakes her head.
                               OTHO
                        (continuing)
                 I felt a cool wind.
       The expression on Otho's face suggests he knows more
       than he's telling.


       INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR - SAME TIME
       The headless corpse rushes through the open door into
       the attic.


       INT. ATTIC - SAME TIME
       The headless corpse slams the door shut, turns the key
       in the lock.  Then he slumps against the locked door in
       an exaggerated stance of relief.


       INT. ATTIC LANDING - SAME TIME
       Delia tries the knob.  The door is locked.
                               OTHO
                 You don't have a key?
                               DELIA
                 Maybe Charles does.
                               OTHO
                 I have a feeling there's some very
                 interesting space behind this
                 door.
                               DELIA
                        (sarcastic)
                 Probably the world's largest
                 Reader's Digest collection!
                 C'mon, let's have some chablis,
                 Otho, I'm laid bare by this
                 experience.  Entirely bare.


       INT. STUDY - SAME TIME
       Barbara still holding Adam's head.
       Charles still calmly leafing through the Audubons.
                               ADAM'S HEAD
                 Whew!  That was close.
                               BARBARA
                 I cannot witness this.
       Barbara distractedly puts Adam's head on a bookshelf.
       His headless body fumbles with the books and finally
       reattaches the head.


       INT. STUDY - DAY
       Adam turns away from the window.
       Barbara, fuming, moves around Charles making wild
       gestures.
                               BARBARA
                 What's the good of being a ghost
                 if you can't frighten people to
                 death?
                               ADAM
                 Oh, honey...
                               BARBARA
                 No, I'm not putting up with this.
       She storms out of the room.


       INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
       Barbara storms in, as if straight from the room up-
       stairs.  She heads straight for the back door.  Just as
       she opens the door, Adam rushes up.
                               ADAM
                 Barbara, honey!  Don't go out
                 there.  You don't know --
                               BARBARA
                 Nothing can be worse than this...
       She flings open the door and steps outside.  She
       promptly disappears.
                               ADAM
                 Barbara!


       EXT. SURFACE OF SATURN'S MOON TITAN - DAY
       Barbara plunges into the dusty surface of Titan with an
       enormous Saturn looming in the sky.  She looks around
       with wonder and some fear.


       A SULFUR VOLCANO
       erupts in the distance.  A meteor CRASHES with a lurid
       EXPLOSION.  As from a great distance she hears Adam's
       VOICE.  Like THUNDER.
                               ADAM
                 Barbara!
       She turns slowly in the yellow dense sand that covers
       the surface of this distant moon.


       BARBARA'S POV
       Adam is trudging towards her.  Behind him, hovering
       isolated in the air, is the kitchen door.


       BACK TO SCENE
       Adam at last catches up with her.  Surveys around them.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh Adam.  Find somebody.  I'm
                 getting all yellow.  Do something!


       BEHIND THEM
       Something is burrowing rapidly toward them through the
       sand.  The Something could be right out of "Dune".


       BARBARA AND ADAM
       stare for a moment, then Adam grabs her and pulls her
       toward the kitchen door.  But the kitchen door has
       moved, so they veer in the new direction.
       The Something follows them and rises out of the sand.


       ON SOMETHING
       It is a very big, very nasty, and very hungry SNAPPING
       SANDWORM.  It ROARS and lunges at them.


       BARBARA
       slightly angered at it, instinctively bats at it.


       THE SANDWORM
       is momentarily stunned at Barbara's audacity.  It
       freezes and shakes its loathesome head.


       BARBARA
       bats at it again.  Adam is wide-eyed, tries to pull her
       away.  The Sandworm recovers and ROARS after them.


       ADAM
       grabs Barbara and tries to escape, but they slip and
       sink in the sand.
       They make it to the door just in time, swing it open
       and hurl themselves through.  The door shuts with a
       BANG just in front of the ROARING SANDWORM.
       THE SANDWORM
       rears and ROARS in frustration, HOWLING to the ringed
       planet.


       INT. KITCHEN
       Barbara, weeping, throws herself in Adam's arms.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, Adam, don't ever leave me
                 alone.
                               ADAM
                 You left me.
                               BARBARA
                 I know.  I'm sorry.
       She hugs him tight.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 I just realized that I could have
                 been killed alone.  Don't ever
                 leave me, honey.
       Both contemplate that horror.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 We're trapped in this house
                 forever... with those... people.
                               ADAM
                 You can't say that for sure.  It
                 could be a transitional thing.
                 Like a post-life crisis.  We just
                 have to be tougher with them.
                 Come on.  Have some brandy.
                 Spirits?
                               BARBARA
                        (a tentative smile)
                 Death didn't improve your sense of
                 humor.
       They head for the dining room.


       INT. DINING ROOM
       Adam has his arms around Barbara's shoulder.  They walk
       in the door and stumble upon the Deetzes at their
       dinner.  Lydia's back is to them.  Barbara and Adam
       back out of the room but stop to listen.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       The Deetz's around the dining room table.  There are
       candles and good china laid out-- but they're eating
       out of Chinese take-out boxes.
                               DELIA
                 I can't believe that we're eating
                 Cantonese.  Is there no Szechuan
                 up here?  Hunan?
                               CHARLES
                 There's only one Chinese
                 restaurant out here, darling, the
                 owners are Irish and Irish people
                 happen to cook Cantonese.  They
                 don't know better.
                               LYDIA
                 I plan to have a stroke from the
                 amount of MSG that's in this food.
                               DELIA
                 This is our first meal in this
                 house, Lydia.  Why don't we all do
                 our little private parts to make
                 it a pleasant one?
                               CHARLES
                 Lydia, relax.  We'll build you a
                 darkroom in the basement.
                               LYDIA
                        (dramatically)
                 My whole life is a darkroom!
                 One... big... dark... room.
       Delia rolls her eyes and nods.  She's been through this
       before.
                               DELIA
                 Nonsense... you'll go to school,
                 maybe meet a farm boy.
       Delia laughs.  Charles smiles.
                               LYDIA
                        (doleful)
                 Yeah, maybe if he's nice, he'll
                 let me hang myself from a rope in
                 his barn.
                               CHARLES
                 Lydia, in a couple of years this
                 whole town will be filled with
                 people like us.
                               DELIA
                 We'll be the art center of summer
                 New York.  I'll start sculpting
                 again... I'll teach those gallery
                 bastards to refuse my sculpture.
                 And when Otho and I get through
                 with this house, you people are
                 not going to recognize it.
                               LYDIA
                        (dramatically)
                 I say let's keep it the way it is.
       Delia stares at Lydia.
                               CHARLES
                        (smiles)
                 Good idea!
       Delia shifts her glare to Charles.
                               LYDIA
                 I do.  I really like it.  I
                 mean, it's already sort of like
                 somebody's home, isn't it?  Their
                 couch is comfortable and doesn't
                 stick to your legs.  It smells
                 like a real home, not a French
                 whorehouse.
                               DELIA
                 Lydia, at your age, you are so
                 young.
                        (back to business)
                 Charles, we need to call that
                 awful Jane Butterfield tomorrow
                 and get the key to the attic door.
                 Can't you find a way to hold back
                 some of her commission?
                               CHARLES
                 We're going to have a lot to do
                 tomorrow...
                 The Goodwill truck is coming.
                               DELIA
                 ... and whatever is up there in
                 that attic goes away with it.
                               CHARLES
                 Should have it fumigated, too.  I
                 saw a fly today.
       Lydia looks at them with a mixture of sadness and
       anger.


       OUTSIDE THE DOOR - ON THE STAIRS
       -- listening, sit Barbara and Adam.  A tear rolls down
       her face.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Adam and Barbara are lying down on the floor, peering
       out of one of the small windows overlooking the front
       yard of the house.  The handbook open in front of them.


       EXT. FRONT YARD - ADAM AND BARBARA'S POV - DAY
       The entire front yard is alive with workmen and their
       vehicles.  Plumbers, electricians, cable TV men, etc.
       In the road on front of the house are several cars of
       rubbernecking locals, astonished by all the activity.
       The City has come to Town.  Moving men continue to move
       in the Deetz' modern, expensive and ugly furniture.
       They collide with Goodwill men coming out with the
       Maitlands' lovely antiques and personal possessions.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Adam and Barbara just look at one another as if to say
       "We're next!"  Adam leafs through the handbook furi-
       ously.
                               BARBARA
                 Look in the index...
                               ADAM
                 Not really...  what's this?
       Adam pulls from the book an ancient, yellowed,
       crumbling handbill.  He carefully opens it.
       ON handbill -- very primitive, crude, red printing.
                               ADAM (V.O.)
                        (reading)
                 Having difficulty adjusting?
                 Is death a problem and not a
                 solution?  Unhappy with eternity?
                 Troubled by the living?  Call
                 Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist.
                 That's Betelgeuse,  Betel...
       The remainder of the sheet is torn off.
       ON Barbara -- fingering the torn edge.  Looking in the
       book for the remainder.  No luck.
                               BARBARA
                 That's it?  No number, or
                 instructions?
                               ADAM
                 Nothing.  The bio-exorcist?  I
                 don't get it...


       INT. KITCHEN
       Charles, away from the chaos outside is calmly steeping
       a mug of herb tea.  His solitude is interrupted by a
       2500 lb. Vulcan range breaking through a too-small
       kitchen window.
                               CHARLES
                        (shouting through
                         the window)
                 What the hell are you trying to do
                 out there?


       DELIA - OUTSIDE
       is berating the inept crane operator and shrieks
       periodically at some fine art movers who are struggling
       under her horrid modern welded steel sculptures.


       LYDIA
       snaps photos of the mayhem.  She stops to scan the whole
       house.


       LYDIA'S POV
       When her gaze reaches to top of the house, she suddenly
       glimpses Barbara and Adam's faces in the window.


       BACK TO SCENE
       Lydia blinks hard.  Her mouth drops open.  She looks
       all around -- as if she'd just seen a ghost or two.


       JANE BUTTERFIELD'S CAR
       pulls up.  Little Jane sits in the front seat, burdened
       with an enormous stack of collated and stapled copies.
       Lydia catches sight of Jane and runs over.
       Little Jane locks her door, in fear of Lydia-the
       strange.  Lydia stares at her.
                               LITTLE JANE
                 Are you a boy or a girl?
                               LYDIA
                 I only speak to vertebrates.
                               LYDIA
                 What happened to the people who
                 used to live here?
                               LITTLE JANE
                        (ratty little voice)
                 They drowned!
                               JANE
                 Yes, they were family.  I was
                 devastated.
                        (beat)
                 Here, darling.
       Jane hands a key to Lydia.
                               LYDIA
                        (impressed)
                 Is this the key to the attic?
                               JANE
                 That's a skeleton key.  It'll open
                 any door in that house.  Will you
                 give it to your father?
                        (handing her a
                         business card)
                 And you might mention that I
                 single-handedly decorated the
                 house.  In case he needs advice in
                 that area.  Come see me.
       Jane goes away.


       ANOTHER ANGLE
       Lydia's face sobers as she looks up at the now empty
       attic window.
                               DELIA (O.S.)
                 Help!  Get off me!
       Lydia drops the skeleton key into her pocket surrepti-
       tiously.  She follows Delia's SHRIEKING.


       EXT. HOUSE - DAY
       Lydia rounds the corner to see Delia, pinned flat
       against the house by one of her horrid steel sculp-
       tures.  Two movers are struggling to free her.  Lydia
       snaps a quick photograph.
       They finally free Delia.  She clutches at her head,
       just short of tearing her hair out.
                               DELIA
                 You jerks!  That is my art, and it
                 is dangerous!  You think I want to
                 want to die like that?
                        (seeing Lydia)
                 Lydia.  Moving is a family affair.
                 So buckle down now and go get
                 Mommy some drugs.
                               LYDIA
                 Any particular kind?
                               DELIA
                 Joke!  Joke!  Aspirin!
       Lydia walks off toward the house.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Barbara is half-hiding on the edge of the window.
                               BARBARA
                 That little girl saw us.
                               ADAM
                 She couldn't have.  We can't make
                 them see us.
                               BARBARA
                 But she saw us.  I could feel it.
                               ADAM
                        (pause, thinking
                         that over)
                 That's all we need.


       INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY
       Lydia looks up the stairs at the attic landing.  She's
       a little scared.  She decides to go up the dark stairs.
       IN THE HALL
       At the end of the hall stands Charles, directing men
       who are carrying books into the room that will be his
       study.
       He continues on.


       A BLAST of STEAM
       fills the hallway, because workmen are already going at
       the wallpaper.  Lydia emerges from it.  Looking up at
       stairway to attic, mounting courage.


       INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - DAY
       Lydia creeps upward, taking the skeleton key from her
       pocket.  FLOORBOARDS SQUEAK.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Adam works on his model.  He hears the SQUEAK, looks up
       confidently.
                               ADAM
                        (whispering)
                 Don't worry.  I've locked it.
       Barbara smiles and knits while rocking in her chair.


       INT. ATTIC LANDING
       Lydia quietly inserts the key in the lock of the attic
       door.  She turns it.  The key is stiff.  She turns
       harder.  It's stuck.  Lydia tries the door -- it's no
       go.  She turns the key again.  This time it goes all
       the way around.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Barbara and Adam, surprised by the key, look at each
       other, carefully, very quietly, stand up and tiptoe
       toward door.


       ON THE SCREEN OF AN OLD TV SET
       in the corner of the attic -- Suddenly -- a ghostly
       image POPS ON.


       ON TV - A BIZARRE, SMALLISH FELLOW
       outfitted in a too-big cowboy hat, bad wig, and over-
       sized sunglasses appears on screen singing very
       quickly.  (It's a heavily disguised BETELGEUSE.)


       BEHIND HIM
       the CAMERA QUICKLY PANS an assortment of tombstones a
       la Cal Worthington.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (singing)
                 Have the living got you down?
                 Betelgeuse!
                 Are they jacking you around?
                 Betelgeuse!
                 Have you broken out in hives
                 'Cause you're tired of their jive?
                 I will drive them from your
                 hive... Betelgeuse!


       ANOTHER ANGLE
       CAMERA TILTS DOWN a flashing tombstone with
       "BETELGEUSE" written on it.  Adam rushes over to shut
       it off.  He can't find a plug.  He looks around behind
       set... no workings inside at all.  He peers around to
       the screen.  It is blank.  Suddenly -- Betelgeuse POPS
       ON AGAIN.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Say it once... Betelgeuse
                 Say it twice... Betelgeuse.
                 The third time's a charm...
                 Betelgeuse!
                 Come on down!
       He POPS OFF.  Adam and Barbara stare at each other.


       INT. LANDING - DAY
       Lydia listens.  Did she hear something?  She puts her
       hand on the knob and tries to turn it.  It's stuck.
       Then the key eerily pops out of the lock and falls on
       the floor.
       Charles' head suddenly appears behind her.  Scares her.
                               CHARLES
                 What are you doing?


       INT. ATTIC
       Adam is holding on tight to the knob of the door.  With
       her knitting needle, Barbara has poked the key out.
       The two stand absolutely still, listening, terrified of
       the living intruders.


       INT. ATTIC LANDING - LYDIA AND CHARLES
                               LYDIA
                 I was just trying to open the
                 door.  Mrs. Butterfield brought
                 over a skeleton key.
                               CHARLES
                 Let me have it.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Barbara and Adam tighten.


       ON THE LANDING
                               LYDIA
                 But it doesn't work.
       She hands her father the key.  He looks at it and
       throws it in the corner.
                               CHARLES
                 Skeleton keys never work.  Anyway,
                 this can wait.  We'll get a
                 crowbar later.  Where's your
                 mother?
                               LYDIA
                        (very quick de-
                         cisive delivery)
                 Stepmother.
                               CHARLES
                 I'm going down to relax.  I want a
                 noise-free zone.  Do you
                 understand?  Noise-free.
       He goes down the stairs.
                               LYDIA
                 Dad?
       He continues.
                               CHARLES
                        (irritated, over
                         his shoulder)
                 What?
                               LYDIA
                 I'm lonely.
       A BLAST OF STEAM from below drowns out her words.
       Charles stops and turns around.  The BLAST STOPS.
                               CHARLES
                 What?


       TIGHT ON LYDIA
       She is resolved.
                               LYDIA
                 Nothing.
       Charles continues.  She begins to follow slowly.


       ON KEY
       behind Lydia.  WIDEN as Adam rushes out the door, grabs
       the key and rushes back in again.  Lydia hears some-
       thing but doesn't see.


       INT. ATTIC
       Barbara and Adam have moved away from the door.
                               ADAM
                        (looking through
                         the handbook)
                 We need some help.  I found
                 something this morning.  Here.
                 Emergencies.
                        (reads)
                 "In case of emergency, draw door."
                               BARBARA
                 Draw door?  I don't know why we
                 keep looking in that stupid book.
       Adam takes a piece of chalk and draws a little door on
       the exposed brick of the chimney.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 You don't actually think this
                 is going to work?
       Adam draws a doorknob.  Then he tries to turn it.  The
       door, perhaps to his surprise, fails to open.
                               BARBARA
                 Yet another triumph for Adam and
                 Barbara in the afterlife.  Why
                 don't we try this Beetle guy??...
                               ADAM
                 Wait.
       He looks at book, then writes on the door:  KNOCK AND
       ENTER.  He exchanges a glance with Barbara.  She's even
       more skeptical than before.  Turns away in disgust.
       Adam knocks on the door, and turns the knob.  Nothing.
       She is more disgusted.  Adam goes back to the book.
                               ADAM
                        (continuing)
                 Aha!  Knock three times.


       ANOTHER ANGLE
       He knocks three times.  Turns knob.  The chalked door
       swings magnificently open.
       Behind is an eerie light source, SOARING MUSIC, maybe
       even a heavenly choir singing pear-shaped syllables.
       Barbara and Adam look at one another again.  They hold
       hands and step tentatively through.
       Their figures are lost in the blinding light.
       They start to shut door after them.


       ON THE ATTIC LANDING
       Lydia is staring at the light pouring from under the
       attic door.  It suddenly goes out.
       ON LYDIA
       She is dumbfounded.  She listens.


       ON THE LANDING
       Lydia speeds down the steps.


       INT. CHARLES' STUDY - DAY
       Charles, fiercely intent on relaxing, paces like a
       catfish out of water.  Ralph Lauren in K-mart.  He
       stretches.  He sits uneasily in an easy chair, tries
       like hell to get comfortable.  Finally, he puts a book
       under his bottom to get sitting straight.  Looks around
       tapping his fingers.  What to do?  Looks at watch.
       He takes down a book from Adam's library, it is an
       Audubon book of birds.  He whips through it like it's
       the comics and then looks around for more.
       He finds the "Illustrated Walden" by Thoreau.  He
       speed reads it.
       He is now really bored.  Goes to the fireplace, tries
       to light it.  Cannot do it.  Goes to desk and writes:
                               OTHO-INSTALL GAS FIRE LOGS IN
                               STUDY.
       He studies bird posters.  Finds beautiful cardinal
       picture.
       Takes field glasses and looks out window.


       HIS POV
       Spies big ugly-looking ratty bird devouring something.


       ON CHARLES
       horrified.  Wrinkles his nose.
       Lydia enters.  He jumps.
                               CHARLES
                 Jesus Christ!
       Lydia is shocked.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 Darling, can't you see I'm
                 relaxing in here!
                               LYDIA
                 Well I just wanted to tell you
                 what I saw.
                               CHARLES
                 Lydia.  What the hell is the point
                 of my moving up here if you people
                 won't let me relax?  Go help your
                 mother.
       Charles returns to field glasses, spies something.  She
       looks at him in frustration.
                               LYDIA
                        (on her way out)
                 Fine.  Maybe you can relax in a
                 haunted house.  But I can't.
       She exits.  Charles peers after her, brow furrowed.
       Looks out again at the village.  Uses his field glasses
       to get a better look.


       HIS POV
       It is the Bozman Building.  Ernie is out front pol-
       ishing the brass lion.


       ON CHARLES
       He thinks.  Moves the field glasses to punctuate his
       discovery of the building.  (His eyes never leave field
       glasses throughout the following.)
                               CHARLES
                 Nice building... Bad paint.  Good
                 lines... bad roof.  Good
                 parking... hmmm???
       That really registers with him.  Without looking, he
       dials a familiar number on the phone with one hand,
       lifts the receiver.  He clacks his teeth together pur-
       posefully.
                               SECRETARY'S VOICE
                 Botco International.
                               CHARLES
                 Yes, I'd like to speak with Maxie
                 Dean.
                               SECRETARY'S VOICE
                 He's not in right now.
                               CHARLES
                 Well tell him that Charles Deetz
                 called.
       He hangs up and continues to spy on Bozman Building.
       Clacks his teeth.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 My God what I could do with that
                 parking.
                                                  DISSOLVE TO:


       TIGHT SHOT - BARBARA AND ADAM
       Very still, they look cautiously to the right and left
       -- just with their eyes.  They're astounded by what
       they see, though we don't yet see it.
                               ADAM
                 ... Not what I expected when we
                 walked through that door.
                               BARBARA
                 No. But it's somewhere without big
                 worms.
       CAMERA DRAWS BACK and we find that Adam and Barbara are
       in:


       INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY
       The most unpleasant waiting room that you ever remember
       waiting in.  Fifties furniture with broken legs,
       couches propped up on telephone books.
       Standing ashtrays with dirty stand.  Linoleum floors
       patched a hundred times.  National Geographics with the
       covers torn off.  The "Take a number" registers in the
       millions.


       AS THE CAMERA COMPLETES A CIRCLE OF THE ROOM
       We see a RECEPTIONIST.  She's the quintessential 50's
       receptionist -- tight sweater, bullet-breasted bra,
       bleached hair, red lipstick.  She's wearing a ribbon
       across her breast reading "MISS ARGENTINA" and there
       are knife slashes across both wrists.
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 You don't have an appointment, do
                 you?
                               ADAM
                 W... We didn't know how to make one.
                               BARBARA
                 An appointment for what?
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 What do you want?
                               BARBARA
                 We need some help.
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 Already?  You just bit the big one
                 nine months ago and you want help?
                               ADAM
                 Nine months?  What difference does
                 that make?
                               RECEPTIONIST
                        (shrugging)
                 Good luck.  You're going to use up
                 all your help vouchers.
                               ADAM
                 Help vouchers?
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 D-90's.  You spend a hundred
                 and twenty-five years on earth,
                 actually, in that house, during
                 which you get only three class-one
                 D-90 intercessions with Juno.  You
                 probably haven't even read through
                 the manual completely yet.
                               BARBARA
                 Why three?


       TYPIST
       Behind the Receptionist holds up both hands each of
       which have only three fingers on them.
                               TYPIST
                 Rule Number Three.  Everything
                 comes in threes...
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 You'll have to wait if you don't
                 have an appointment.
                               BARBARA
                 How long do we have to wait?
                               ADAM
                 Wait for who?
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 For Juno, your caseworker.  Not
                 that it matters to your type.  But
                 there are all these other people
                 here ahead of you.  I'd say 3
                 hours.
       The waiting room is now filled with people.  Dead
       people, some in fairly awful states.  A cornucopia of
       carnal shreddage.
       Adam and Barbara look around for a moment, then very
       quietly, they reach out to grasp hands.
                               RECEPTIONIST
                        (continuing)
                 Number 54 million, six hundred
                 one.  Ferndock.
       CAMERA PUSHES IN CLOSE.
                                                  DISSOLVE TO:


       INT. ATTIC LANDING - DAY
       Lydia kneels down with a screwdriver, a nail file, an
       ice pick, and a credit card.  She inserts nail file
       into the door.  She struggles, and after several
       attempts -- finally uses the ice pick and POP!  The
       door swings open ominously.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Lydia enters.  The room is dim, and filled with dust
       motes.  There are shadows in all the corners.
       She bumps into a switch which engages the model sun and
       moon and that eerily illuminates the model town.  She's
       frightened, then entranced.
       She peers at it from different angles, her fear for-
       gotten.  She notes small tools scattered around an
       unfinished area.  She continues around the model,
       oblivious to everything else.  Then...
       She kicks something.  Ducks under the table and comes
       up with something, holds it up to the light.  It's the
       handbook.  She looks through it.  Finds the marked
       page... looks at the chalk door.


       INT. OFFICE - DAY
       Barbara and Adam are still holding hands, as if they
       hadn't moved.  Like waiting for an IRS audit.
                               BARBARA
                        (to Adam)
                 Is this what happens when you die?
       The Receptionist overhears.  She points at Barbara.
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 This is what happens when YOU die.
                        (points to another
                         corpse)
                 That is what happens when HE dies.
                 That is what happens when THEY
                 die.  It's highly personal.  And
                 I'll tell you something... if I
                 knew then what I know now... I
                 wouldn't have had my little
                 "accident!"
       She holds up her wrists and smiling at her little joke,
       wriggles them indicating her slashes.
                               OTHER CORPSES
                        (all together)
                 Amen!
       Barbara and Adam look at them.  Corpses resume doing
       what they were doing.  A GRINDING NOISE O.S. -- The
       Receptionist looks up.
       Barbara and Adam also look O.S.


       THEIR POV
       A Message delivery wire GRINDS along loudly on a
       pulley.  The actual message is held in the hand of the
       MESSENGER, a flattened corpse, suspended as if on a
       shirt clothesline, tire marks on his face and clothing.
       A major roadkill.  Dust and gravel ground into him.  He
       smiles wanly at Barbara and Adam as the Receptionist
       takes a message on a piece of paper and reads it.
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 Maitland, party of two!  Take your
                 handbook and go to the sixth door.
       Barbara and Adam upset at the loss of their handbook...
                               BARBARA
                 We forgot our handbook.
                                                  CUT TO:


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Lydia is studying the handbook with intense interest.
                               CHARLES (O.S.)
                        (from distant
                         downstairs)
                 Lydia, Delia needs your help!
       Lydia gives one more look at the book, and then goes to
       the door quickly and silently.
                               CHARLES (O.S.)
                 Right now, Delia says!


       INT. OFFICE - DAY
                               RECEPTIONIST
                        (shaking her head
                         in disgust)
                 Out that way, through the typing
                 pool, down the corridor, sixth
                 door on your left.  Sixth door.
                 Two threes.
                        (shaking her head)
                 Airhead.
       Adam and Barbara walk through a door.


       INT. TYPING POOL - DAY
       A vast room of desks arranged in a grid, straight
       out of "How To Succeed In Business"... Each desk is
       occupied, too, but most of the secretaries are merely
       skeletons, or mouldering corpses slumped over their
       typewriters.
       Only one secretary, somewhere in the vast grid, is
       typing slowly, with long pauses between words.
       The Messenger on his return trip, parallels Barbara and
       Adam as they walk along.  Barbara can't look at him.
                               MESSENGER
                 How do I look?  There're no
                 mirrors on this side.
                               ADAM
                        (trying to be
                         pleasant)
                 Fine, you look fine.
                               MESSENGER
                 Thanks.  I've been feeling a
                 little flat.


       ANOTHER ANGLE
       He laughs at his own joke as he goes back through the
       very, very narrow slot in the wall where the line
       runs.  Adam and Barbara look to the right and left.
       A vast stack of files slips off a desk and spills out
       onto the floor.


       INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
       Barbara and Adam enter corridor.
       Empty, like a hotel corridor, but all the doors are of
       different types -- a revolving door, a dutch door,
       church doors.  They walk past a waist-high window,
       covered by a roll-up shade.
                               BARBARA
                 A hundred twenty-five years!
                 I can't believe it.  I can't
                 believe they didn't tell us.
       She bumps into the shade and it rolls up FLAPPING.  She
       stares in through the window.  Adam peers in it too.


       THEIR POV
       A smouldering, mist-filled room.  From the smoky plasma
       floats an occasional tortured soul.  Unspeakably SAD
       MUSIC wafts from within.  They get only a glimpse of
       the bodies in this horrible human soup.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam, look at this.
       Suddenly, floating up from below, immediately on the
       other side of the window, a white-crepe face emerges.
       It seems to be that of a woman, her eyes are red and
       blue tears rim them.  Her pale skin is covered with a
       flaking crust of salt.  She wears the saddest look
       ever.  Her mouth opens plaintively but no sound comes.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 Oh, Adam... what is this?
       A reflection joins them on their side of the window.


       A SINISTER LITTLE JANITOR
       wizened and efficient, pulls the shade down firmly.
                               SINISTER MAN
                 That's the lost souls room.
                 A room for ghosts who have been
                 exorcised.  Poor devils.  That's
                 death for the dead.  It's all in
                 the handbook.  Keep moving.
       The man scuttles off.  Adam and Barbara walk on sadly,
       until they come to a door that looks exactly like the
       swinging door between the kitchen and dining room of
       their house.
                               ADAM
                 This is it... the sixth door.
       Puzzled -- Barbara pushes it.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Everything is dark, quiet -- but the furniture is
       obviously not theirs, and neither is the decoration.
       Adam and Barbara exchange glances, and push on through
       into the living room.


       INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
       Quiet, dark.  Everyone's asleep.
                               ADAM
                 My God, we're back home.
                               BARBARA
                 Look at this, everything is
                 different down here.  All our
                 furniture is gone.
                               ADAM
                 How long do you suppose we were
                 waiting?
                               JUNO
                 Three months.


       ANOTHER ANGLE
       A spot comes on, revealing JUNO -- their caseworker.
       She's an older woman, no nonsense about her.  Over-
       dressed in an outfit that includes a blouse with
       ruffled cuffs.  We will at some point catch a glimpse
       of her slashed throat -- she smokes heavily.  Occa-
       sionaly smoke puffs from her cut throat.
                               JUNO
                 I'd nearly given up on you.  I was
                 about to leave.  I do have other
                 clients.
                               BARBARA
                 Are you Juno, our caseworker?
                               JUNO
                 Yes.  I evaluate individual cases
                 and determine if help is needed,
                 deserved, and available.
                               BARBARA
                 We need help.  We deserve help.
                               ADAM
                 Are you available?
                               JUNO
                 No.
                        (beat)
                 What's wrong?
                               BARBARA
                 We're very unhappy.
                               JUNO
                 What do you expect?  You're dead.
                               ADAM
                 We'd like some help in getting rid
                 of the people who moved in here.
                 Barbara and I worked very hard on
                 this house.
                               BARBARA
                 We probably wouldn't mind sharing
                 the house with people who were --
                               JUNO
                 -- like you used to be?
                               BARBARA
                 Yes.
                               ADAM
                 But these people --
       He indicates a particularly bad piece of Delia's sculp-
       ture.  Juno walks around it shaking her head.


       INT. HOUSE
       The following conversation takes place as Barbara and
       Adam follow Juno as she looks around the house and ends
       up in their attic space.
                               JUNO
                 Things seem pretty quiet here.
                 You should thank God you didn't
                 die in Italy.
                        (checking the file)
                 The Deetzes.  Okay.  Have you been
                 studying the manual?
                               ADAM
                 We tried.
                               JUNO
                 The Intermediate Interface chapter
                 on Haunting says it all.  Get 'em
                 out yourself.  It's your house.
                 Haunted houses don't come easy.
                               BARBARA
                 We don't quite get it.
       Juno's watch BUZZES, she stops it.
                               JUNO
                 I heard.
                        (refers to her file)
                 Tore your face right off!  Bad
                 news.  It obviously doesn't do
                 any good to pull your heads off in
                 front of people if they can't see
                 you.
                               ADAM
                 We have to start simpler, is that
                 it?
                               JUNO
                 Start simply.  Do what you know.
                 Use your talents.  Practice.  We
                 only help those who help
                 themselves.  Just do a little at a
                 time.  And of course, practice,
                 practice, practice.  It's tricky
                 but -- you weren't murderers by
                 any chance, were you?
                               BARBARA
                 No.
                               JUNO
                 Pity.  Murderers seem to have an
                 easy time of it.  Just look at
                 Amityville.
                        (reminiscing)
                 He was one of my boys.  Didn't
                 have to give that one any lessons.
                 From day one... But I must be
                 off... I've got a plane load of
                 football players crashed in the
                 midwest... they need a lot of
                 help, just with the basics.
       Points at her head indicating dumbness.
                               BARBARA
                 If... we have trouble.  What about
                 the guy in the flyer?  Betelge...
                               JUNO
                        (quickly interrupt-
                         ing her)
                 Don't say his name, you don't want
                 his help.
       Adam and Barbara look at each other.  Puzzled.
                               ADAM & BARBARA
                 Well... We might...


       INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
       Juno peers into the model cemetery with interest.  A
       FLY BUZZES around her.  Juno blows it away.  Fly flees.
                               JUNO
                 No you don't!  He does not work
                 well with others.
                               BARBARA
                 What do you mean?  What's he do?
       A grave look comes over Juno's face as the light
       changes to suggest someone telling a ghost story around
       a campfire.
                               JUNO
                 I wasn't going to bring it up --
                 but rather than have you stumble
                 into it and make another mistake,
                 I'll tell you --
                        (she nervously puffs
                         her cigarette)
                 He was my assistant, but he was a
                 troublemaker...
                 He went out on his own as a free-
                 lance bio-exorcist -- claims to
                 get rid of the living... got into
                 more trouble -- you remember the
                 Chicago Fire...
       Adam and Barbara look at each other.  Juno continues.
                               JUNO
                        (continuing)
                 He was demoted to a Grade-6
                 malevolent spirit.  He's been
                 imprisoned on that plane ever
                 since... in fact, I believe he's
                 been sleezing around your cemetery
                 lately.  He can only be brought
                 back by saying his name three
                 times.
       Adam and Barbara attempt to interrupt --
                               JUNO
                        (continuing)
                 But I strongly suggest that you
                 remove the Deetz's yourself.
       She takes a final drag on the cigarette and smoke
       billows out the hole in her throat.  Juno starts to
       FADE.
                               ADAM
                 And if we need you again, how do
                 we...?
       Juno fades.  Gone.  Barbara goes to the model, looks
       at the cemetery.
                               BARBARA
                 That guy is in our cemetery.  Oh,
                 Adam.
                               ADAM
                        (holds her shoul-
                         ders, calms her)
                 Look, she's right.  We'll just
                 start simple, honey, be tougher.
                 I feel... confident.  C'mon.
       They exit.


       CAMERA FOLLOWS ACTION - OVER THE MODEL
       The FLY BUZZES.  It lands and crawls along into the model of
       the cemetery.


       THE FLY
       resplendently green and iridescent, pauses and fiddles
       with its hairy parts.  Starts to walk by.
                               VOICE
                 Pssstt!  Over here!
       Fly stops.  Tilts its multi-eyed head.


       ANOTHER ANGLE
       Two hands come up from the earth of that grave holding
       a candy bar.
                               VOICE
                 I can't use this.  You should have
                 it.  Flies get so little respect
                 anymore.


       THE FLATTERED FLY
       walks over to the grave.  In a flash, the hands grab
       the struggling fly and dance it like a doll over the
       grave and then pull it into the earth.
                               FLY
                 Buzzz!
                        (turns into)
                 Help me!  Help me!
       A MANIACAL LAUGH grows from the grave.  WIND BLOWS as
       the Fly disappears.  Ivy whips away from the grave-
       stone.  We see, for the first time, the chiseled name:
                               BETELGEUSE
       CLAP OF THUNDER.


       INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT
       Charles is on the phone.  He has drawings laid out in
       front of him.  He is at his most urban persuasive, and
       oddly relaxed -- he is finally in his own element.
                               CHARLES
                 Maxie, have I not always made you
                 money?  I think that is the only
                 real question here.


       INT. MAXIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT
       New York office, cool design, black couch, and MAXIE
       DEAN, a 55-year-old, super tan, white-haired wheeler
       dealer.  Sign says:  CHAIRMAN of BOTCO INDUSTRIES.
       Maxie looks rich and he looks cool as he talks to
       Charles.  Behind him, Sarah, his rich-looking blonde
       wife, is looking at herself in a mirror.
                               MAXIE
                 Well, Charles -- no one has made me
                 money like you.  Until your nerves
                 went, you were a demon.  It is
                 just that... Winter River,
                 Connecticut is, you'll forgive me,
                 no fucking where.  Why would I
                 invest that kind of money to buy
                 an old building way the hell up
                 there?


       INTERCUT CONVERSATION
                               CHARLES
                 Not a building!  That's the beauty
                 of it.  I think I can buy the
                 whole town.  These people don't
                 know the value of their property!
                               MAXIE
                 Then we own a whole town full of
                 nowhere.
                               CHARLES
                 No, No -- C'mon, Max, you know
                 me.  I've got plans.  You gotta
                 come up here and see, then I'll
                 tell you about it.
       Maxie isn't much interested.
                               MAXIE
                 Well, sure, Charles, but I am busy
                 here... you know how it was when
                 you were active.
       This burns Charles.  But he swallows it.  He hears
       something in the corridor outside -- a kind of LOW
       MOANING.
                               CHARLES
                        (into telephone)
                 Just a minute, Maxie.  Somebody.
                               MAXIE
                 No listen... we'll talk about
                 this visiting later, I gotta go,
                 I gotta meeting on the Japanese
                 joint venture.
                               CHARLES
                        (torn between the
                         MOANING and Maxie)
                 Great idea, Maxie!  Those Japanese
                 could run it for us.  Listen,
                 think right about it, will you?
                 We've almost got the house ready,
                 you bring Sarah with you and I'll
                 show you.
                               MAXIE
                 Yeah yeah, we'll think on it.
                 Bye ya, Charles.  You relax up
                 there, ya hear?
       Maxie hangs up.  Shakes his head.
                               MAXIE
                        (continuing)
                 Putz!  Inter River?  My ass.


       INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT
       Charles hangs up frustrated.  MOANING INCREASES.  He
       goes to the door and flings it open.
       A figure is right there in the doorway -- A ghost under
       a sheet.  But a "designer" sheet.  He wails away like a
       banshee.  Eyeholes cut in sheets, Charles jumps, re-
       covers.
                               CHARLES
                 Oh, Jesus, Lydia!  Is Connecticut
                 so boring that you have to think
                 up shit like this?
       ON Barbara, she stands back away from the door observ-
       ing skeptically.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 I had Maxie Dean on the phone!
                 Darling, Dad's found a way to make
                 some money here while I relax, so
                 scram!
       He slams the door, turns around.  Then turns around
       again, and jerks the door open.  The ghost is retreat-
       ing, beaten.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 And your mother is going to kill
                 you when she sees that you cut
                 holes in her $300 sheets.  You
                 provoke her you know.  I mean she
                 can be an unreasonable bitch.  But
                 you do provoke her.
       He SLAMS the door again.


       INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
       Adam helps Barbara on with her sheet.
                               BARBARA
                 God, this is so corny.  Have we
                 been reduced to this?  Sheets?
                               ADAM
                 Think of them as death shrouds.
                 And the moaning is important.
                 Really moan!
                        (imitating Juno)
                 Practice, practice, practice.


       INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
       Television still going, Delia asleep with curlers.
       Adam and Barbara glide inside, go over and stand beside
       the bed.
                               ADAM
                 Deep breath... and...


       INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - NIGHT
       She has her ever-present camera around her neck.  Sud-
       denly hears MOANS from her parents' room.  Thinking it
       is sexual, she cringes.  Covers her ears.
                               LYDIA
                 Gross!  How can he stand that
                 woman?
                        (louder)
                 Hey, cut it out!  I'm a child!
                 For God sakes!
       The NOISE gets weirder.  Lydia gets interested.


       INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
       Adam and Barbara moan and groan.  Delia doesn't stir.
                               BARBARA
                 I feel really stupid.
                               ADAM
                 It's not stupid.  We're ghosts.
                 Do you want this woman for
                 breakfast for 125 years?  Moan
                 louder!
       Barbara moans louder and more weirdly.
       Delia stirs, sits up, but doesn't open her eyes.
       Adam and Barbara are excited then... disappointed as
       Delia fumbles on the bedside table for the remote con-
       trol device, and without opening her eyes, turns off
       the television set.  Then she turns over, and is lost
       to the world totally.
       Barbara sighs.  She and Adam walk toward the door.
       When they open it however, Lydia is standing there in
       her pajamas -- she snaps a FLASH Polaroid -- and Adam
       and Barbara jump backwards with yelps of fright.
                               LYDIA
                 Sick!  Sexual perversion!  If
                 you're going to do weird sexual
                 stuff you ought to stay in your
                 bedroom, okay?
       Lydia starts back into her room.  Then looks at the
       developing photograph.  Something catches her eye.
       Lydia yelps with fear.
                               LYDIA
                 Holy cow!  No feet!
       She screams.  Adam and Barbara scream.  Lydia rushes
       back toward them, starts flashing pictures.
       Adam and Barbara run around and are pushed into a
       corner.  Polaroids fly everywhere.
       Lydia runs out of film.  She stares at them, panting
       with fear.  A standoff.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 A... Are you the guys who're
                 hiding out in the attic?
                               ADAM
                        (fake terror voice)
                 We're ghosts.
       Barbara moans.
                               LYDIA
                        (skeptical, cautious)
                 W... What do you look like under
                 there?
       Adam and Barbara pull shut bedroom door, go out into
       the hall -- as if to keep from waking Delia with their
       conversation.


       INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
       All three stare at each other tentatively.
                               ADAM
                 Aren't you scared?
                               LYDIA
                 I'm not scared of Ralph Lauren.
                 Those are sheets.  Are you gross
                 under there?  Are you "Night of
                 the Living Dead" under there?
                 Like all bloody veins and pus?
                               ADAM
                 What?
                               LYDIA
                 "Night of the Living Dead?"  It's
                 a movie.
                               BARBARA
                        (pulling off
                         the sheet)
                 If I had seen a ghost at your age,
                 I would have been frightened out
                 of my wits.
                               LYDIA
                 You're not gross.  Why were you
                 wearing a sheet?
                               BARBARA
                 We're practicing.
                               ADAM
                 You can actually see us?  Without
                 the sheets?
                               LYDIA
                 Is this like a trick question?
                               BARBARA
                 Tell the truth.
                               LYDIA
                        (offended)
                 Of course I can see you.
                               ADAM
                 Nobody else can.
                               LYDIA
                 I'm wearing contacts... Also I
                 read through the "Handbook for the
                 Recently Deceased."  It says that
                 live people ignore the strange and
                 unusual... I, myself, am strange
                 and unusual.
                               BARBARA
                        (tenderly)
                 You look like a regular girl to me.
       Lydia blushes.  Barbara smiles warmly.  She is begin-
       ning to like Lydia.
                               ADAM
                 You read our book?  Could you
                 follow it?
       Lydia nods her head.
                               LYDIA
                 Why are you creeping around
                 Delia's bedroom?
                               ADAM
                 We were trying to scare your
                 mother.
                               LYDIA
                 Stepmother.  I'm very sensitive
                 about being related to reptiles.
       Barbara smiles.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 You can't scare her.  She's
                 sleeping with Prince Valium
                 tonight.
                        (defiantly)
                 I stole the key to your attic, you
                 know.
       Adam and Barbara look at each other.
                               BARBARA
                 Maybe we better talk.


       INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT
       Adam's rigged up the moon, and stars, too.  Adam and
       Barbara and Lydia stand just beyond the fringes of the
       town, dimly lighted giants.
                               LYDIA
                 You did this?  You carved all
                 these little figures and houses
                 and things?
                               ADAM
                        (pleased)
                 I certainly did.  I'd finish it
                 too, but... I don't get out much.
                               LYDIA
                 And this used to be your house, I
                 bet.  Why do you want to scare
                 everybody?
                               ADAM
                 We want to frighten you away.
                        (a little embarrassed)
                 So that you'll move out.
                               LYDIA
                 You don't know the Deetz's very
                 well, do you?  My father bought
                 this place.  He never walks away
                 from equity.  Why don't you leave?
                               BARBARA
                 We can't.  We haven't left the
                 house since the funeral.
                               LYDIA
                 Funeral.  God, you guys really are
                 dead!
                        (fascinated)
                 What was it like?  The funeral.
                 Did you cry?
                               ADAM
                 We weren't there.  The handbook
                 says funerals aren't for the dead.
                               LYDIA
                 God, if this is true this is
                 amazing!  I kinda like it up
                 here.  Can I visit you sometimes?
                               ADAM
                 Well, I don't know... We don't get
                 many visitors.
                               BARBARA
                 You know you're really a pretty
                 girl.
       Lydia flushes.
                               CHARLES (O.S.)
                 Lydia!
                               LYDIA
                 I better go...
                               BARBARA
                 Wait... I don't think it would be
                 a very good idea if you told your
                 parents that we're up here.
                               ADAM
                 Unless you think it would scare
                 them off.
       Lydia starts to exit.
                               ADAM
                        (continuing)
                 You tell them that we are
                 desperate horrible ghoulish
                 creatures who will stop at nothing
                 to get back our house.
                               LYDIA
                        (looks him up
                         and down)
                 Wait a minute, what if this is a
                 dream?  Can you do any tricks to
                 prove I'm not dreaming?
       Barbara shakes her head, a little ashamed.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 Well, if you are real ghosts, you
                 better get another routine, those
                 sheets suck!
       She sneaks a smile at Barbara and exits.


       EXT. HOUSE - DAY
       A big ugly machine is doing something unnecessary to
       the yard.


       INT. DARKROOM/BASEMENT - DAY
       The FAST-TICKING CLOCK is a timer.  Lydia is making
       Polaroid enlargements.  She's quick and expert at this.
       She's examining a print with a magnifying glass.


       INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY
       Delia shrieks.  Going through the dirty clothes, she's
       just come across the sheets with the eye holes in them.
                               DELIA
                 Lydia!  Lydia!  My hands are
                 shredded from doing the laundry,
                 and now I have to deal with your
                 vandalism!


       INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY
       Lydia, pounding up from the basement with the wet
       print, collides with Delia, rushing down from the sec-
       ond floor with the scissored sheets.
                               DELIA
                 Lydia, honest to God I'm going to
                 kill you.  I'm having a party
                 tonight.  I'm cooking, I can't get
                 servants.  Do I need angst?  No, I
                 certainly do not!
       Lydia speeds by her.
                               DELIA
                        (continuing)
                 You owe me three-hundred bucks,
                 Lydia!  Don't go running to your
                 father, you worm.


       INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY
       Lydia rushes in.  Charles is working furiously on a
       word processor, amidst an array of maps and plans.
                               LYDIA
                 Dad.  Do you believe me?
                               CHARLES
                 Yes.  Except when you creep around
                 in your mother's --
                               LYDIA
                 Stepmother's...
                               CHARLES
                 ... sheets.
                               LYDIA
                 Well this is... I mean, this is
                 the weirdest --
                               CHARLES
                 Lydia, I don't know what it is
                 with you and these pratical
                 jokes, but --
                               LYDIA
                 This is not a joke!  That sheet
                 was full of ghosts.
       She hands him the photo.  He looks.  Lydia points
       out...
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 No feet.
       Charles laughs.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 You don't believe me.  That sheet
                 was full of ghosts.  They live
                 here.
       Charles begins to scroll through computer program.
                               CHARLES
                        (dismissing it)
                 Very clever, Lydia.  Now would you
                 please -- I'll tell you what... I
                 know!  You're bored, right?  You
                 take that camera and your bike
                 and photograph every building in
                 town.  Don't tell anyone what it's
                 for...
                        (handing her a
                         wad of bills)
                 Here, take some cash and go do
                 it.  How's that?  You want to
                 stretch, don't you?
       Lydia exits, with determination.  Charles looks up on
       the wall and runs his finger over a plat map of Winter
       River, just like Adam's in the attic.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 Look at the size of these lots...
       Adam peers at the map, puzzled.
                               ADAM
                 What is this guy doing?
       Barbara follows Lydia out.  Adam thinks, intrigued.
       Exits.


       INT. KITCHEN - DAY
       Delia is frantically preparing for the evening's dinner
       party.  Lydia is very much in her way, trying to show
       her the photographs.  Delia isn't looking at them.
                               DELIA
                 I can't believe you are doing this
                 to me!  Ghosts.  I am giving a
                 dinner party for seven people
                 tonight.  Otho has agreed to come
                 back for the demolition of the
                 attic.  My agent, Bernard, is
                 bringing some woman who writes for
                 "Art in America."  In fact, no one
                 here tonight has not been in
                 "Vanity Fair."  Except you.
                               LYDIA
                        (resigned)
                 I told them you were too mean to
                 be afraid.
                               DELIA
                 Don't you dare talk to others
                 about me.  I'm an artist!  The
                 only thing that scares me is being
                 embarrassed in front of my
                 friends.  Do you know how hard it
                 is to get civilized people to set
                 foot in this part of Connecticut?
                 Not a solitary word of this
                 pubescent tripe to anyone.
       Lydia exits angrily.
       CAMERA HINGES.  Barbara is watching, horrified at
       Delia's occupation of her (Barbara's) kitchen.  Adam
       appears.
                               BARBARA
                 Lydia's trying, but they don't
                 believe her.
                               ADAM
                 She's got photos, Barbara.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
                               ADAM
                 This is different.  Eventually
                 she'll take someone to the attic.
                 And then what?  We've got to try
                 to contact this guy Betelmyer.  We
                 gotta get some help, hon.


       INT. ATTIC ROOM - LATER - DAY
       Adam looks intently through the book.
       Barbara's eye is caught by something in the model
       cemetery.  She moves over and sees a small gravestone
       lit up by neon.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam!
       Adam comes over.  Looks.
                               ADAM
                 I didn't do that one... Hmmm.
                               BARBARA
                 It's him.  Look... Betelgeuse...
                 Betelgeuse...
       She looks at Adam, "should I?" Adam chews his lip
       thoughtfully.
                               ADAM
                 Go ahead... third time's a charm.
                               BARBARA
                        (after a deep breath)
                 Betelgeuse!
       ZAP!  They are transported into the model graveyard.


       EXT. INSIDE THE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
       WIND BLOWS --  With shovels and lanterns, Adam and
       Barbara are unlikely gravediggers.  The mechanized
       clouds move in the sky across the mechanical moon,
       throwing weird shadows everywhere.  Ground fog creeps
       slowly along the graves.  It is so eerie.
                               BARBARA
                 What happened?
                               ADAM
                 Three times.  Powerful number.
                               BARBARA
                        (standing in front
                         of grave)
                 Bet... el... geuse.  What an
                 awful name.  I thought it was like
                 -- you know.  The juice of
                 beetles.
       Adam cringes too.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 Where is he?  What do we do?
       Adam looks down at the grave.  Knocks on the stone.
       Nothing.
                               ADAM
                 Has anything been simple so far?
                 From the look of the shovel, we
                 dig.
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, Adam.  I don't have gloves.
                 My nails keep getting longer.
                 I'll break them.
       Hands her a shovel anyway.  She digs.


       EXT. INSIDE THE MODEL GRAVEYARD - LATER - NIGHT
       They're almost down six feet.  By now they are both
       almost out of sight in the grave.  Inside the grave --
       Adam suddenly hits wood.
                               BARBARA
                 It's about time.
       They lean down and brush dirt off a brass plate on the
       coffin.
                         "BETELGEUSE"
                               ADAM
                 I guess we open it.
                               BARBARA
                 Maybe we should knock first?
       A slight TREMOR shakes them.  They look at each other
       and try to scramble from the grave.


       TOPSIDE
       They just barely crawl out when a mouldering corpse
       springs out of the grave and jumps on Barbara's back,
       and plants a thousand-year-old kiss on her lips.  She
       screams and burbles.  Adam pulls the corpse off her
       back.  The corpse does a Three Stooges hammer on Adam's
       head.
       Adam staggers backward, unhurt but shocked.  All three
       stop.


       ON THE CORPSE
       Something unreal about him, almost mechanical.  Then
       the corpse, grinning insanely at them, flies straight
       up into the air over their heads.  He CRASHES against
       the tombstone...
       And Adam and Barbara see the corpse is only a huge
       marionette on a string and pole.  A LAUGH comes from
       behind the gravestone.


       PUPPETEER BETELGEUSE
       steps out.  He looks like someone who just crawled out
       from under a rock.  This is one slippery customer.
       Betelgeuse speaks in a rapid polyglot, choosing words
       and phrases from every slang in the world.  Barbara is
       mighty uneasy.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 All right.  Who are you?
                               BARBARA
                 We're...
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You're the dead.
                               ADAM
                 Aren't you dead?
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Hell no!  I'm rolling.  I'm a
                 businessman.  I'm the man what
                 am.  Beeetel Jooose!  Who
                 do I gotta kill?
                               ADAM
                 You don't kill anyone.
                               BARBARA
                 Just get some people out of our
                 house.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Bio busting.  I love it.  Who do
                 I gotta kill?  Family -- right?
                 Obnoxious, I bet.
                        (contorting face)
                 Mommie, daddy, piglets.
                               BARBARA
                 Just one daughter.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Hey you've been on Saturn!
                        (brushing yellow dust
                         off her)
                 I hate those Sandworms!  Yecchhh!
                 I've lost a lot of buddies to
                 Sandworms.
                        (back to work)
                 So a daughter?  She got good legs?
                 God I love a young leg.
       Air blows up Barbara's dress, exposing her legs.  He
       leers.
                               BARBARA
                 She's only fourteen...
                               ADAM
                 ... acts like she's thirty-five.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (rubbing hands)
                 How does she feel about short old
                 men with dirty ears?
       Barbara is grossed out and increasingly uneasy.  Beetle
       Juice senses it and gets back to business.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 So you, the dead, want me, the
                 undead, to throw the live guys --
                 Mommie, Daddy and Lolita, who
                 might not mind a tumble with an
                 older guy, out into the cold?
                 Even though they have paid hard
                 casharoonie for your dump?
                               ADAM
                 But... the Deetzes are destroying
                 our house.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (scolding sarcasm)
                 You Maitlands are the backbone of
                 the afterlife.  So what's my cut?
                               ADAM
                 Can you scare them off?
       Beetle Juice looks offended.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Me, scary?  You be the judge.


       ANGLE
       He swirls his face and shoulders into a horrifying
       image.  Pleased, he laughs at himself.
                               BARBARA
                        (decisively)
                 Honey.  Let's go.
                               ADAM
                 Go?  What d'ya mean?  We need
                 help.
                               BARBARA
                 No, we don't.  We can work
                 something out ourselves.  We just
                 have to try harder.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Hold on.  Let's not be squeamish,
                 missy.  You rang my bell, you
                 gotta lick the pump.  I'm rolling!


       BARBARA
       grabs Adam.  Betelgeuse is getting mad.  Not pretty.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Folks, be reasonable here.  I'm at
                 your service.  You be the judge.
                 I'm a harmless guy.  Try me.
                               BARBARA
                 Home.  Home.  Home!


       ZAP
       They are gone.  Betelgeuse is furious.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You fresh corpse creeps!  Who do
                 you think you are?... Walking
                 away from a professional?


       BETELGEUSE
       walks to a tree and kicks it hard.  The whole huge tree
       falls, KABLOOM!


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       A small tree falls in the model.  Adam, across the
       room, walks over and straightens it.
       He looks at Barbara who is poring over the handbook.
       Making notes.  Counting out procedures.
                               ADAM
                 Honey, I think that was a mistake.
                               BARBARA
                 I am not going to expose that
                 little girl to that... pervert
                 down there.
                               ADAM
                 How'd you do that?
                               BARBARA
                        (proud of herself)
                 Just a hunch... remember things
                 come in threes -- three times in,
                 three times out... I'm getting the
                 hang of this stuff.
                               ADAM
                 I think we really pissed him off.
                               BARBARA
                 I don't care...
                               ADAM
                 But we let him out.
                               BARBARA
                 I've changed my mind... I feel
                 really confident.  We're getting
                 better at this stuff.  We can
                 scare them off ourselves --
                 tonight!  I've got an idea.
                 You're going to love it... I'm
                 going to hate it.


       ADAM
       turns to look down at the model again.  Straightens the
       tree.  Turns away.  We can see a tiny light moving
       through the tiny model forest towards the house.
                               ADAM (V.O.)
                 Okay.  But that Betelgeuse sure
                 seemed mad.
                               BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                        (singing)
                 Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I
                 go!


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Dinner for seven, as promised.  Everything looks very
       nice.  Deetzes are in control and in their element.
       The element is neurotic-chic.
       Some of the guests are affecting distaste for having
       had to make the long drive to Connecticut.  There's a
       bitchy feud going on between GRACE, the "Art In Amer-
       ica" writer, and BERNARD, Delia's agent, that threatens
       to become a full-scale war.
       Otho is drunkish and engaged in his third favorite
       occupation -- direct attacks on the personal weaknesses
       of his friends.  He's singled out his victim, BERYL,
       the editor for Ballantine, a frail-looking woman who is
       dressed "artistically."
                               OTHO
                        (to Beryl)
                 Well, darling, you can only have a
                 hysterectomy once, so why don't you
                 tell us what you really went into
                 the hospital for last week?  Or dare
                 I ask, is that a nose "nouveau?"
                               CHARLES
                        (privately; to
                         Otho)
                 Otho, you've got to help me get
                 Maxie Dean up here.  I have a deal
                 that could make all of us very
                 comfortable.
                               OTHO
                 He's a cloven-hooved beast!
                               CHARLES
                 He's your cousin.
                               OTHO
                 I am ashamed to say he is.  Look,
                 nothing short of giving away free
                 sacks of money would get him up
                 here, Charles.  And Sarah?  Forget
                 it.  You can't get her out of
                 Bergdorf's with plastic explosives.
                        (still on Beryl's
                         case)
                 I just hope it wasn't yet another of
                 your dreary suicide attempts.  You
                 know what they say about people who
                 who commit suicide.  In the afterlife,
                 they become civil servants.
                               BERNARD
                 Otho!  I didn't know you were into
                 the supernatural?
                               OTHO
                 Of course you remember!  After my
                 stint with the living theatre.  I
                 was one of New York City's leading
                 paranormal researchers until the
                 bottom dropped out of the business
                 in '72.
                               BERYL
                        (sick to death of
                         this blowhard)
                 Paranormal... Is that what they're
                 calling your kind now?
       Lydia watches Otho thoughtfully.  Suddenly very cur-
       ious.
       Delia senses that Lydia might talk ghosts here.
                               DELIA
                        (a threat; quietly
                         to Lydia)
                 Don't you dare.
                               LYDIA
                 I saw some ghosts.
       All quiet.
                               DELIA
                        (interrupting)
                 Lydia tried to play a most
                 amusing joke on me this afternoon.
                               LYDIA
                 It wasn't a joke.
                               DELIA
                 Tried to convince me that this
                 house is haunted.  Kids.  Kids.
                 Kids!  I love them.
       Otho's glance sharpens at this.  Everyone else listens.
                               GRACE
                 By ghosts?
                               LYDIA
                 By what else?
                               DELIA
                        (laughing it away)
                 In sheets yet.  Designer sheets.
                 They --
       Charles, seeing things aren't going well for Delia,
       proposes a toast.
                               CHARLES
                 I propose a toast to our intrepid
                 friends.  Who braved the
                 expressway and fourteen toll
                 booths to visit us.  May your
                 buildings go condo.
       All lift their wineglasses.  All drink.  All synchro-
       nously spit out their wine.  All together now...
                               EVERYONE
                 Yechhh!
       Charles lifts the wine bottle from the cooler.  Disgust
       spans the room.
       ON bottle -- it bears the familiar spread wings of
       Thunderbird!
                               BERYL
                 Thunderbird wine?  My God, Delia,
                 don't you even have a Safeway up
                 here?
                               DELIA
                        (horrified; but
                         recovering)
                 Joke Joke!  Charles get the good
                 wine and I'll serve the shrimp.
                 It's a joke.
       Delia stares a spike through Lydia.  Delia and Charles
       rush into the kitchen.  Otho looks at his glass and
       peers at Lydia.


       INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
       Delia rushes to get the sushi.  Charles finds some
       good wine.
                               DELIA
                        (rapidly; furious)
                 Lydia switched wines.  Charles --
                 if you do not agree right now, to
                 boarding school, you can forget
                 having what you call sex -- ever
                 again in your natural lifetime.
       He nods reluctantly.  She rushes back to guests.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Lydia is looking around curiously.  Delia and Charles
       rush back in with sushi and good wine.  Delia pours for
       Bernard, the obvious connoisseur.  He tastes the wine.
       All wait.  Is it Kerosene du Pape?  He smiles.  All
       smile.
       Otho is more interested in Lydia's story.  He leans
       toward her...
                               OTHO
                 Now, Lydia... Favor us about your
                 ghosts.
                               DELIA
                 No!  Do not encourage this
                 little... person.
                               OTHO
                 Oh, Delia, lighten up!
                               DELIA
                 She's been without therapy up here
                 and I will not allow her to
                 ruin...
       But then:


       DELIA
       Something comes over her -- she straightens, then
       crouches a little, her hand sweeps across in front of
       her, almost mechanically.  And then our Delia Deetz,
       unable to help herself, leaves the whitebread world
       behind and possessed, sings in someone else's voice, a
       rich, NEGRO TENOR.
                               DELIA
                 "If I didn't care, More than
                 words could say."
       Lydia's eyes widen.  MUSIC UP.  All the guests are
       spellbound.
       Charles, too, has the beat -- The Ink Spots in his eyes.
       In a voice not his own.
                               CHARLES
                 "If my every prayer, did not
                 begin and end with just your
                 name."
       Delia is shocked.  She looks at Lydia.
                               DELIA
                 For God's sake, stop me...
       She is cut short by her powerful inspiration.
                               DELIA
                 "I could not be true to you
                 beyond compare."


       ALL THE GUESTS
       except Lydia, are possessed to become the chorus.  They
       stand by their chairs, they spin in perfect Motown
       choreography.
                               EVERYONE
                        (except Lydia)
                 "Shoo doo wop.  Shoo doo wop."
                               DELIA
                 "If I didn't care... for you..."
                               EVERYONE
                 "Shoo doo wop.  Shoo doo wop."
       A look of sheer delight comes across Lydia's face,
       unlike anything we have previously seen.  She dances
       and claps her hands in time with the music.  She is in
       teen heaven.
       NOTE:  Delia and the guests are fully aware of their
       singing/actions, but helpless to stop themselves.  While
       it is funny, it is nevertheless just a little frighten-
       ing.
       Lydia excitedly looks around the room to see if she can
       see the ghosts.  She can't.
       Now the song pauses... Everyone tries to recover for a
       shocked second.  Instead, the tempo changes.
       As the tempo quickens, the guest/chorus is syncopated
       like alternating pistons as they are pushed and pulled
       into their chairs.  They sing throughout.


       THE SONG
       crashes to its end.  Bernard looks down at his shrimp
       cocktail.  The shrimp draped over the rice roll
       suddenly rears up like a hand and, making a tiny fist,
       grabs his dangling tie and... smash --
       WIDER -- All the guests are punched by the shrimp, back
       over their chairs to the ground.  They are stunned. 
       Suddenly everyone runs frightened into the next room.


       EXT./INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT
       Adam and Barbara with huge smiles on their faces, dance
       the bugaloo then hug and kiss on the landing in front
       of the attic.  Door is open.
                               TOGETHER
                 We did it!
                               ADAM
                 Let's watch 'em scatter.
       They enter the attic and run to the window.  Look out
       over the front yard.


       YARD OF HOUSE - THEIR POV - NIGHT
       filled with the cars of the guests, as well as Delia
       and Charles' vehicles.
                               ADAM (O.S.)
                 Any minute now.  They'll all run
                 screaming.


       BACK TO SCENE
       They wait.  Nothing moving outside.
                               BARBARA
                 Your Ink Spots were wonderful!
       Adam smiles proudly.
                               ADAM
                 And your shrimp was remarkable.
                               BARBARA
                 My shrimp?  I did the wine.
                 Didn't you do the sushi?
                               ADAM
                 N... No, I just did the Ink Spots.
                               BARBARA (V.O.)
                 Who did the?
       Timid KNOCK at the door of the attic.
       Barbara glances at Adam.  They don't know what to do.
                               LYDIA
                        (from outside the
                         door)
                 It's me.  Lydia.
       Adam, puzzled, goes to the door and opens it.  Lydia is
       standing there, sheepish.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 They'd like for you to come
                 downstairs.  Delia says you can
                 pick any sheets you want.


       INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
       The guests are sitting expectantly.  The photographs
       are being passed around.  The wheels are turning in
       Charles' mind --  he sees a gold mine.  Everyone speaks
       at once.
                               DELIA
                 It does indicate a marvelously
                 urbane sense of humor on the part
                 of these ghosts -- that they
                 actually appear in sheets!
                               OTHO
                 We're dealing with Tracy and Hepburn
                 here, a very sophisticated pair.  We
                 must protect them, treat them with
                 respect.  Nurture them.
                               CHARLES
                 People will pay big money for
                 this.  Right, Grace?
                               GRACE
                        (nodding)
                 Charles, I want to know why you
                 didn't tell me about this --
                               DELIA
                        (now changing her
                         tune)
                 We were waiting for proof.
                 Lydia's photographs...
       Charles is scheming.
                               BERNARD
                        (skeptical)
                 What are you all talking about?
                 We... we just got a little drunk,
                 that's all.
                               OTHO
                 No matter how drunk you get, you
                 cannot sound like the Ink Spots.
                        (to Charles)
                 Charles, this is it!  You can get
                 Maxie Dean up here now.
       Charles plots and plans.
                               OTHO
                 His wife Sarah loves the
                 supernatural.  I did a reading for
                 her just last week.  Told her her
                 jowls would tighten soon.  I mean
                 she will make him sprint up here in
                 his helicopter if you can produce
                 ghosts for her.
                               BERYL
                 The "Enquirer" has offered fifty
                 thousand dollars for absolute
                 proof of life after death.  I'll
                 send them over.
                               BERNARD
                 I'm Delia's agent!  I've lost
                 money for years on her work.  If
                 anything actually happened here,
                 I'll handle it, thank you.  But
                 not until I see some real proof.
       Lydia appears at the base of the stairs.  Everyone
       stops squabbling, looks at her expectantly.
                               LYDIA
                 They don't want to come down.
                               OTHO
                 Why not?
       Bernard shakes his head as if all this were an elaborate
       hoax.  He harumphs!
                               LYDIA
                 I think the reason is they were
                 trying to scare you, and you
                 didn't get scared --
                               DELIA
                 Of course we weren't scared.
                        (looking around)
                 Just a little startled.  One of
                 those shrimp dropped down my
                 Kamali.
       Bernard is now convinced this whole business was a put-
       on.
                               BERNARD
                        (shaking his head)
                 Total collective hallucination.
                               BERYL
                 I was a little tipsie.
                               DELIA
                 This was not a hallucination,
                 people.  This was real, really
                 totally real.
                               GRACE
                 Of course, they were rather
                 spectacular effects -- for
                 Connecticut, I mean.
                               OTHO
                 All presences have a home space.  A
                 place where they live, so to speak.
                 Where do they hide out?
                               LYDIA
                        (reluctantly)
                 The attic.
                               CHARLES
                 The attic room is locked --
                               LYDIA
                 They're ghosts.  They do what they
                 want.
                               OTHO
                 Fabulous!  Otho Fenlock's "Locked
                 Door" ghosts!  Probably committed
                 suicide up there -- hanging like
                 beeves from the rafters.  I'm
                 totally enchanted.
       Bernard gathers Grace and Beryl and walks out the door.
                               BERNARD
                 Delia, you are a flake.  You have
                 always been a flake.  I'm packing
                 up and going back to the tricks of
                 the city.  That I can manage.  If
                 you must frighten people, do it
                 with your sculpture.
       They exit.  Delia is horrified and embarrassed.
                               DELIA
                 Wait!  I'm going to get to the
                 bottom of this!  Lydia, is this
                 some high-tech trick of yours?  I
                 want you to take us up there tout
                 sweet!


       INT. LANDING OUTSIDE OF ATTIC
       Delia, Charles, Otho and Lydia -- creep, creep.
                               DELIA
                        (whispering)
                 Shhh.  They're in there?  God,
                 they live like animals.  This is
                 where they've been hiding out?
       Lydia nods.  Delia suddenly, brashly pounds on the
       door.
                               DELIA
                        (shouting)
                 All right, you dead people!  Come
                 on out, or we'll break down this
                 door and drag you out on the ropes
                 you hanged yourself with!
                               LYDIA
                 Shhhh.  They didn't commit
                 suicide.
                               DELIA
                 It doesn't matter.
                 What matters is I've got a roomful
                 of guests down there, who think
                 I'm a fraud.
                        (to Lydia)
                 I am going to teach you something
                 here Lydia.  You've got to take
                 the right tone in things like
                 this, or people -- whether they're
                 dead or alive -- people will walk
                 all over you.
                        (loud)
                 Come on out, or I will make death
                 so miserable that you will wish
                 you had never lived!
       Delia pounds on door, which opens with an eerie CREAK.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Lydia is pushed in first.  She looks around.  Delia,
       Charles and Otho come in next, carefully.  One by one
       they straighten up and look around.
                               DELIA
                        (whisper)
                 So where are they, Lydia?
       Lydia shrugs, looks around.
                               CHARLES
                        (off-handedly)
                 Answer your mother.
                               LYDIA
                 Listen, you guys.  These ghosts
                 are really nice people.  I think
                 we scared them off.  Let's just
                 leave them alone.  Okay?
       Charles is suddenly transfixed.  He stares at the
       model.
                               CHARLES
                 It's the whole damn town.
       They gather around.  Lydia is a little sad as she looks
       at the empty room and the model.
                               OTHO
                 Look at that detail!
                               DELIA
                 Look at the tiny figures.
                               CHARLES
                 Look at all that parking!
                               LYDIA
                 Come on.  Leave their stuff alone.
                               OTHO
                 They're not here, Lydia?
       She shakes her head.  Otho spots the handbook.  Palms
       it.
                               DELIA
                 I have never been so
                 embarrassed... They haven't gone
                 for good, have they?
       Delia is suddenly out the door, urging them all outside.
                               DELIA
                        (continuing)
                 Everyone out of there.  If they're
                 in there somewhere, I don't want
                 to scare them away.  Come on now,
                 stay out of there.  We've got work
                 to do.
       Otho pockets the handbook secretly as everyone exits.
       Delia carefully closes the door.


       CAMERA EASES OVER TO THE WINDOW
       We see two pairs of hands, white-knuckled, gripping the
       window sill from the outside.


       EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
       Barbara and Adam are hanging outside the window.
       CAMERA EASES BACK to see that instead of hanging from
       the house --
       They are hanging from a ledge over The Inferno --


       ON INFERNO
       circles of rosy hell.  Several devilish Monsters slaver
       up at them, hoping for new meat for the furnace.  Small
       geysers spurt foul gasses.


       WINDS
       BLOW hard on Adam and Barbara.  They struggle to hold
       on and pull themselves back up and into the window.
                               ADAM
                 Juno, help!  Juno!
       After nearly falling, Adam barely saves Barbara and
       they finally make it up, and disappear into the window.


       INT. ATTIC LANDING - NIGHT
       Delia, Charles and Otho all start down the stairs, one
       by one.  All are holding the handrail.
                               DELIA
                 Lydia, I will never forgive you
                 for embarrassing me in front of my
                 social inferiors.  You help us
                 with these ghosts or you'll be
                 sorry.
                               LYDIA
                 I'm sorry already.
                               CHARLES
                        (fixing on Otho)
                 Now, let's get back to business.  I
                 I want to get Maxie Dean and Sarah
                 up here immediately.  I can make
                 history here!  I'm going to turn
                 this sleepy little backward town
                 into a leading supernatural
                 research center... and amusement
                 park.
                               LYDIA
                        (disgusted)
                 I cannot believe this.
                               CHARLES
                 Delia will cook...
       Delia glares at him.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 I'll bring the wine... and the
                 business plan.  And Lydia --
                 you'll bring the ghosts.
                               LYDIA
                        (frustrated)
                 I can't bring the ghosts.  They're
                 not here!
                               CHARLES
                 ... Otho, could you actually... do
                 something with them?
                               OTHO
                        (pats the handbook
                         under his coat)
                 Perhaps... if I were properly
                 motivated...
                               LYDIA
                 That's slavery and murder.  You
                 don't know them.  They're nice
                 people!
       POV -- down the handrail, as they walk downstairs.
       Lydia lags behind, sullen.


       LOWER END OF THE HANDRAIL
       lifts, and turns.  The handrail has become a long, fat,
       diamond-backed snake -- unlike any we have ever seen.
       It flashes terrifying steel teeth and a red-feathered
       comb.  It turns and HISSES at them.


       ON DELIA
       She screams as she looks down at her hand on the rail
       -- it grips the scaly, throbbing, dripping body of the
       snake.


       THE SNAKE
       just gets longer and nastier as it turns back in the
       air, up the stairs toward them.  Its tail circles Delia
       and spins her like a top.  When she stops -- the snake
       gives her a big wet snake kiss.


       SNAKE
       snaps Otho in the behind.  It hurts.


       THE SNAKE
       rears up and spreads a red-comb and HISSES loudly.


       ALL THREE
       of them fall over each other trying to escape.


       THE SNAKE
       hovers horribly over them.  Grabs Charles in its coils
       and squeezes him hard -- his fearful face reddens, then
       it suspends Charles over the edge of the stairs.
                               SNAKE
                 We've come for your daughter,
                 Chuck!


       HE
       leers at Lydia and drops Charles like a rock over the
       bannister.  Charles screams.


       THE SNAKE
       Grins at a terrified Lydia.


       SNAKE
       rears back for a strike, when suddenly, like thunder.
       One word is heard.
                               BARBARA
                 Betelgeuse!  Betelgeuse!
                 Betelgeuse!


       THE SNAKE
       looks up with familiar eyes.  At top of stairs stands
       an angry Barbara.
       What happens next is almost too fast for the eye to
       see.


       THE SNAKE
       shrinks and turns back into the regular mahogany hand-
       rail.


       BETELGEUSE
       or his outline, whips up the stairs, through the door,
       and is gone like a rocket.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 RRRatt shit!


       OTHO AND DELIA
       rush downstairs -- Lydia is terrified.  She runs away.
                               LYDIA
                 I hate you!  I thought you were my
                 friends.
                               BARBARA
                 No, wait!
       Lydia screams and runs down the stairs.
                               LYDIA
                        (screams)
                 I hate all of you!
       Slowly, Barbara returns to the attic.


       INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
       Adam and Barbara are exhausted.  Agitated.
                               ADAM
                 Great choice we've got here.  We
                 get to spend the next century
                 either hanging out that window or
                 doing parlor tricks.
       Adam is working with the model town.  Barbara is pac-
       ing.
                               ADAM
                 Maybe they'll leave now.  That
                 snake was a pretty nasty customer.
                               BARBARA
                 He might have hurt somebody.
                               ADAM
                 But he didn't.  We've got him
                 where we want him.


       ON THE MODEL
       A column of water shoots high in the air.
       Adam rushes over to the model -- looks down.


       INT. MODEL - DAY
       Betelgeuse has run a beat-up old pickup into a fire
       hydrant.  He stands nearby, hopping mad; shakes his
       fist at Adam.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You pansy-assed cretins!  How dare
                 you do that to me.  I coulda
                 finished the job!


       IN THE ATTIC
       Barbara and Adam, obviously disturbed, look at one
       another with concern.
                               BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                        (thin and pip-
                         ing voice)
                 Why did you stop me?
                               BARBARA
                 I don't like Charles Deetz
                 particularly, but you could have
                 killed him.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Hey, I've been bottled up for six
                 hundred years.  Every dog has his
                 day.  This is my town.  I need a
                 night to howl.
                               ADAM
                 This is my town.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You wish!  I nearly scored with
                 that little blonde.  I need me a
                 short little queen.


       ANGLE
       Angry, Barbara reaches down into the model and plucks
       Betelgeuse up.
       Barbara lifts him up toward her, squeezing him
       slightly.
                               BARBARA
                 You leave her alone, you horrid
                 little prick!


       CLOSEUP - BETELGEUSE IN BARBARA'S HAND
       Betelgeuse grins.  Suddenly large spikes shoot out all
       over his body, piercing the skin of Barbara's palm and
       fingers.  Barbara's blood is a rich pink.
       She squeals and releases the evil spirit and he plum-
       mets.


       EXT. MODEL - DAY
       Betelgeuse lands on the town common.  Betelgeuse is
       defiant.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Go ahead.  Make my millenium!


       ANGLE
       We hear the tinny strains of "Honky Tonk Angel" as if
       from down the street.  He turns around to follow it.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 This burg got a cathouse?  I'm
                 getting anxious if you know what I
                 mean.  Six hundred years and all.
       He turns the corner to a whorehouse, with women --
       women with demon horns -- hanging out of the window,
       beckoning.  Betelgeuse rubs his hands together and
       swaggers inside.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Barbara aghast, watching this from above.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam!  Why did you build a whore
                 house?  Have you ever been to...?
                               ADAM
                 I didn't --


       ANGLE
       He doesn't finish -- a strong WIND blows through the
       attic, nearly knocking Barbara and Adam over.  They
       close their eyes against the gale.
       When they open their eyes again, they're no longer in
       the attic.  They're in --


       INT. JUNO'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY
       A cubicle in a much larger office.  Miss Argentina
       swishes by.
                               RECEPTIONIST
                 God, you have got her steaming
                 now.
       She exits.  There are other special workers.  The place
       is really, really busy.  Adam and Barbara sit down to
       wait.  Juno storms through with a sheaf of papers.  She
       sees them.  She is steaming mad.
                               JUNO
                 The whorehouse was my idea.  I
                 want Betelgeuse out of the
                 picture!  We've got some serious
                 talking to do.
                               BARBARA
                 About what?
                               JUNO
                 You people have really screwed
                 up!  I received word that you
                 allowed yourselves to be
                 photographed.  And you let
                 Betelgeuse out and didn't put him
                 back, and you let Otho get ahold
                 of the handbook.
                               ADAM
                 Handbook?  When...?
                               JUNO
                        (continuing tirade)
                 Never trust the living!  We cannot
                 have a routine haunting like yours
                 provide incontrovertible visual
                 proof of existence beyond death.
                               ADAM
                 Well, we didn't know --


       A BUNCH OF FOOTBALL PLAYERS
       follow Juno like hungry dogs.
                               DUMB #1
                 Hey, Coach, where's the men's
                 room?
                               JUNO
                        (frustrated)
                 I'm not your coach.  He survived.
                               DUMB #2
                 You don't need a men's room.
                 You're not no man no more.  But
                 Coach, let me get this -- What's
                 our curfew over here?
       They start squabbling.  Juno has to wrangle them into
       another room.
                               JUNO
                        (frustrated)
                 I'll be right back.


       INT. KITCHEN - DAY
       Charles sits at the table with a small bandage on his
       head.  Delia takes off her Gucci belt and whips it on a
       chair absent-mindedly.
                               DELIA
                 I feel like we've been at war,
                 Charles.
                               CHARLES
                 At least insofar as we have our
                 first casualty.  Me.
                               DELIA
                 Otho'll know what to do.
                               CHARLES
                 What's he going to do?  Viciously
                 rearrange their environment?
                               DELIA
                 Otho knows just as much about the
                 supernatural as he knows about
                 interior design.
                               CHARLES
                 Let's hope he knows how to produce
                 those damn ghosts for Max and
                 Sarah... Because I've bought
                 options on property all over town.
                 I need Max's financing...
                               DELIA
                 Just don't tell Lydia.
                               CHARLES
                 Why not?
                               DELIA
                 I think she's in with them.
                                                  DISSOLVE TO:


       INT. LYDIA'S BEDROOM - DAY
       It's dark.  The bedroom curtains have been closed.
       DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC builds throughout.
       Lydia melodramatically dressed in a long black dress
       appears carrying a candle.  She is softly crying.
       She sits at her dressing table, the candlelight shows
       her writing paper.  She begins a very dramatic letter.
                               LYDIA
                 I am alone.
       She looks at it and crumpling the paper, starts again.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 I am utterly... alone.  You have
                 sealed my fate with your betrayal.
                 I can no longer stand to be used
                 like a puppet between two
                 deceitful worlds.  By the time you
                 read this, I will be gone, having
                 jumped off...
       She scratches that out.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 ... having plummeted off the
                 Winter River Bridge.  Then you
                 will know that I am no longer a
                 toy in your petty feuds.  Goodbye,
                 Lydia.
       A tear falls on the paper as she folds it and puts it
       in an envelope.  OPERA MUSIC BUILDS AND CONTINUES.


       INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY
       Lydia slowly makes a copy of the suicide note.  The
       green of the Xerox light falls eerily on her sad face.


       INT. HALLWAY - DAY
       Lydia at bottom of attic stairs.


       LYDIA'S POV - STAIRS AND DOOR AT TOP
       They look ominous.  She starts upward.


       INT. ATTIC ROOM - DAY
       The door opens and Lydia peers in.
       The room is empty.  Lydia comes inside.
                               LYDIA
                 Are you here?
       She hears SOMETHING.  Looks all around the room.
       Nothing.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 Mr. and Mrs. Maitland?  I've come
                 for the last time?
                        (laying note on
                         table)
                 Where are you?  Barb...
                               BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                 They're dead.
       Lydia looks around, then peers into model.
                               BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                        (continuing)
                 Think small.  I'm talking to you.


       EXT. MODEL TOWN - BUILDING ROOF - DAY
       A tiny Betelgeuse on the roof of a building, wearing a
       silk dressing gown, looking like he just dragged him-
       self out of bed.  One of the horned whores is nude,
       sunbathing in the corner, and Betelgeuse drapes a
       blanket over her.  Lydia's face looms enormous in the
       sky.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Cookie, they are dead, dead,
                 deadski.
                               LYDIA
                 Of course they're dead.  They're
                 ghosts.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 No, I mean they've gone.
                 Decamped.  Split.  Vanished.
                               LYDIA
                 Where'd they go?
                               BETELGEUSE
                 The happy hunting ground.  Who
                 cares?
                               LYDIA
                 Are you a spirit too?
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Sort of.  High spirit.  Heh heh.
                 Listen, cookie, I've been trapped
                 in this burg for hundreds of
                 years.  All I want is to get out.
                               LYDIA
                 I want to get in.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You do?  Over here?  On my side?
                               LYDIA
                 I think so.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (scheming quickly)
                 Well, yes, of course.  It's great
                 over here.  You'll meet all the
                 greats.  James Dean.  Sid
                 Vicious...
                               LYDIA
                 Well, it can't be any worse than
                 my life here.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (sinister, encouraging
                         her)
                 That's right.  They treat you like
                 scum, I bet?
                               LYDIA
                 Yeah.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 I can't help you from this side,
                 but here's how we do it.  So
                 simple.  Say my name three
                 times.  That's all.  I'll be all
                 yours.  Then I'll bring you over
                 here in style.
                               LYDIA
                 I... I don't know what your name is.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Minor problem.  The rules.  I
                 can't tell it to you.  But.. do
                 you know how to play charades?
                               LYDIA
                 Yes.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Of course you do.
       He holds up two fingers in a V.
                               LYDIA
                 Two words.
       Betelgeuse holds up one finger.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 First word.
       Betelgeuse puts two fingers on his arm.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 Three syllables.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 No, dummy.  Two.
                               LYDIA
                 Your fingers are so small I can't
                 see them.  First word -- two
                 syllables.
       He points behind her.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 I don't know what that signal
                 means.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 It means look behind you, bimbo.


       ANGLE
       Lydia looks behind her.  A greet beetle the size of a
       Volkswagen is crouching.  Its feathery antennae reach
       out toward her menacingly.  Lydia yelps.
                               LYDIA
                 Beetle!
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Good girrrl!
       POP!  The beetle disappears.  Betelgeuse holds up two
       fingers.
                               LYDIA
                        (still shaken)
                 Second word.  Be careful.


       ANGLE
       Apprehensive, she jumps when a simple carton of orange
       juice materializes.  Orange juice pours out into a
       ghostly glass.
                               LYDIA
                 Breakfast?  Orange?
       The orange juice disappears.  He shakes his head.
                               LYDIA
                 Breakfast beetle?  Beetle?  Beetle
                 fruit?  Fruit bat?  Fruit Battle?
                 Volkswagen?  Fruit wagon?
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Good thing you are a beautiful
                 kid.  You are dumb!
       Betelgeuse does the signal for "Now Put Them Together."
                               LYDIA
                 I am not!  Beetle... Juice?
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (jumping with delight)
                 That's it!
                               LYDIA
                 Your name is Beetle Juice?  Yecch!
                 That's as bad as Deeelia Deeetz.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 It's spelled different, but
                 basically... Now you said it
                 twice, just one more time.  And
                 I'll be free.
                        (sinister)
                 And then you'll be free.
       Lydia, puzzled, gets the magnifying glass and peers at
       him.


       ON HIS UGLY FACE BIG IN THE GLASS
       Betelgeuse jumps in the air, his robe parts -- we don't
       see anything, but maybe Lydia does.
                               LYDIA
                 God, you're anatomically correct!
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Just say it.
                               LYDIA
                        (recognizing something
                         about him)
                 You were the snake!  Right?  I
                 know.  It was you.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You've got to say it!
                               LYDIA
                 No I don't.  I don't take orders
                 from Smurfs.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 How'd you like to be married to...
                 the King...?
       Lydia doesn't get it.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (continuing)
                 ... Elvis?...
                        (boasting)
                 You know, ever since he came over
                 he and I have been just like this.
                        (crosses his fingers)
                 I can arrange it.  Just say my
                 name one more time.
       She thinks about that one.  Shakes her head.
                               LYDIA
                 No, No... I need to talk to
                 Barbara.
       Betelgeuse smiles.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Well, cookie, just say my name.  I
                 can get her.
                        (rubbing his horny little
                         hands together)
                 That and so much more...
       Lydia walks around thinking for a moment.
                               LYDIA
                 Who else did you say is over
                 there?


       INT. JUNO'S OFFICE - DAY
       Juno staring at them, hard.
                               JUNO
                 Yes... or no?  Do you want the
                 Deetzes out or in?
                               ADAM
                 Out.
                               BARBARA
                 What about Betelgeuse?
                               JUNO
                 Forget him.  He'll remain with his
                 whores until someone calls him.
                 You need to worry about people like
                 Otho.  There are a lot of
                 phony trance mediums.  They
                 usually can't make the formulas
                 work, but if Otho stumbles on the
                 right words in that handbook... he
                 could hurt you.  As in --
                 exorcism.
       They both look puzzled.
                               JUNO
                        (continuing)
                 In plain English -- that's death
                 for the dead.  I don't care what
                 it takes, just get them out of
                 there now.  It's not pretty, but
                 -- that's death!
       Adam stands to go.
                               JUNO
                        (continuing)
                 Wait a minute.  Let's see what
                 you're going to do...
       They look at Juno.
                               JUNO
                        (continuing)
                 ... to scare her.  I want to make
                 sure it's not some silly parlor
                 trick.
       Barbara looks at Adam.
                               ADAM
                 I'll do the hard part, hon.


       ADAM
       reluctantly pulls on his face, and contorts it into a
       living, breathing, horror.  Juno is even a little
       repulsed.
                               JUNO
                 Not bad.  Not bad.  Now you?  Go
                 ahead.


       ANGLE
       She reluctantly does with her face a minor version of
       Adam's horror.
                               JUNO
                        (continuing)
                 Okay.  You look great!  Now go
                 clean house.  And don't forget the
                 photographs and the damned
                 handbook.


       ANGLE
       Barbara and Adam slowly stand and walk out the door.
       Barbara/Monster looks back pleadingly.  Football
       players flood into Juno's office.  One PARTICULARLY
       DUMB PLAYER has a revelation.  (He's pretty grisly,
       maybe sat too close to the engine.)
                               PARTICULARLY DUMB PLAYER
                 Coach!  Coach, I don't think we
                 survived the crash!
       Barbara and Adam look at each other and continue out the
       door.


       OUTSIDE JUNO'S OFFICE
       They enter a long dark hallway.  They suddenly find
       themselves standing in front of Lydia's room.  Adam/
       Monster looks at Barbara/Monster as he grabs the door-
       knob.  She stops him.  Tears fall down her sad ghostly
       face.
                               BARBARA
                 Adam.  I can't do it.  I like that
                 little girl.
                               ADAM/MONSTER
                 It's too late.  Sometimes things
                 just work out this way.  We have
                 to, honey.
                               BARBARA/MONSTER
                 No we don't.  We can rebel or
                 something.  We'll just stay up
                 there in our room.  I'll read, you
                 can build on the model.  Come on.
       She rushes up the stairs, toward the attic.  He follows
       her.
                               ADAM/MONSTER
                 Wait.  We can't, honey.  Our
                 house...
       She gets to the door.  Grabs the handle.
                               BARBARA
                 I want to be with Lydia!
       She throws open the door.


       INT. ATTIC - DAY
       Lydia is standing over the model, about to say
       Betelgeuse's name.
                               LYDIA
                 Okay.  Beetle... J...
       Barbara/Monster, horrified, screams!
                               BARBARA/MONSTER
                 !  Lydia, stop!
       Adam/Monster runs to grab her.  Lydia is terrified.
       Screams.
                               ADAM/MONSTER
                 No, don't say it!
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Say it!  Rat shit!
       Betelgeuse slips off the roof into a patch of thorny
       bushes.


       INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
       Lydia screams, Adam/Monster tries to calm her.  Lydia
       struggles and, thinking she is being attacked, runs out
       the door.  Smack into Barbara/Monster.
       Barbara catches her, frightens Lydia even more.
       Barbara holds onto her as she struggles.  Barbara/
       Monster slowly changes back into regular Barbara.
       Lydia sees who it is and she hugs her.  Like mother and
       daughter.
       ON ADAM - slowly returning to himself.  He smiles
       slightly at the scene.
                               BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
                 You lily-livered bleeding hearts!
                               BARBARA
                 I'm so sorry we frightened you.
                 What were you doing?
                               LYDIA
                 He... Beetle Jui...
       Barbara quickly puts her hand over her mouth.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 He said if I let him out he would
                 take me over to the other side to
                 find you.
                               BARBARA
                 No, Lydia, we're dead.
                               LYDIA
                 I want to be dead, too.
                               BARBARA
                        (shocked)
                 No you don't!  No... Lydia... Why?
                               LYDIA
                        (after a pause,
                         dramatically
                         but for real)
                 Life is just... unliveable...
       Barbara hugs her.  She fumbles for words.  This is an
       unusual situation, a dead person talking a live person
       out of killing herself.  She rocks Lydia a little.
       Barbara looks at Adam.
                               BARBARA
                 Lydia, believe me... we know...
                 all the hard stuff is the same
                 over here.  You're going to be who
                 you are... whether you're alive or
                 dead... and over here -- it's...
                 It's flat... there's no food, no
                 colors... you can't smell the
                 flowers.
                        (thinking)
                 If we knew then what we know
                 now... we'd have been more
                 careful...
                               ADAM
                        (in the style of the
                         dead receptionist)
                 ... we wouldn't have had our
                 little accident.
       Lydia looks at Barbara lovingly.
                               BARBARA
                 So never let Beetlejuice out --
                 never.  Besides...
                        (looking at Adam)
                 We're thinking about letting
                 everyone stay... you and your
                 father and mother can stay too.
                               LYDIA
                        (smiles and says
                         slowly)
                 Step... mother.


       ADAM/MONSTER
       is not sure, huffs around a little.  He is trying to
       change back into Adam, except for his nose, which
       remains like a beak for a minute.  Finally, it changes
       too.
       Lydia and Barbara laugh at him.


       ANGLE
       Without noticing Lydia, Otho and Charles push in
       through the door and grab the model.  They take it out
       the door.
       Adam is beside himself.  Doesn't know what to do.
       Barbara stops him from taking action.
                               ADAM
                 What is going on?
                               LYDIA
                 Really.  I don't know.
       Adam looks suspiciously at her.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 I really don't.  I'll go find out.
       She runs out the door.
                               BARBARA
                 Be careful.


       INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
       Lydia runs through the hallway and into the dining
       room.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Lydia walks into a presentation in progress.  Sitting
       around the table are Otho, Maxie, and Delia.  Sarah Dean
       is there, too.  She looks around Lydia hoping for
       ghosts.  Sarah is heavily made up, smells bad.
       Lydia's photos of the sheeted ghosts are blown up and
       standing on a nearby easel.  Charles, over the model
       with a pointer, is lost in mid-sentence.
                               CHARLES
                 -- In short, I've got options to
                 buy enough of Main Street to
                 control the city council for a
                 hundred years.  And at the prices
                 I'm talking about, if it all fell
                 apart tomorrow, we just move out and
                 sell to the Arabs and we still come
                 out... I've talked to Ed Cornwall
                 about a wax museum, here... in
                 Thanksgiving Park... Ed's the man
                 who made the talking Jesse Jackson
                 statue.
                 And I've got a museum dedicated to
                 50 Great Moments in the Paranormal
                 -- and parenthetically, D-Con wants
                 to the right to start an insect zoo
                 here in the old hardware store.
                        (seeing Lydia)
                 Lydia, did you finally decide to
                 join us?
       They all give her an oily smile.
                               CHARLES
                 Honey, I am just finishing the first
                 phase presentation about our little
                 project here.  Then we'll take a
                 stretch and invite our friends... to meet
                 your friends.
       Sarah gets Maxie's attention and unable to contain her
       excitement, silently urges him to get on with the
       ghosts.
                               SARAH
                 Are they here yet?
                               MAXIE
                 Yes, Charles, let's cut the
                 bullcorn.  We're here to see
                 ghosts.  This whole ghost town
                 museum and such like follows a
                 train, if you've got the engine...
                 so let's see your goddamned engine.
       Everyone looks at Lydia.
                               LYDIA
                 They're... not here anymore.
                               CHARLES
                        (smiling apologetically)
                 Nonsense, every time she says
                 that, the paint peels, and some
                 wild creature tries to kill us.
                               SARAH
                        (motioning)
                 We've got these pictures, Lydia.
                               LYDIA
                 No, really... they said they might
                 come back and all of us could live
                 in peace if you agreed not to
                 tease them or make them do silly
                 tricks.
       Sarah is disappointed.  She goes to Maxie.  Delia takes
       over.
                               DELIA
                 She's become a little emotional
                 about all this.  No counseling up
                 here.  But we aren't relying on
                 her.  No, we rely on
                 professionals.  We have... Otho.
       The whole room turns to Otho.  Who is scribbling some-
       thing and mumbling.
                               CHARLES
                 Are they still here, Otho?
       Otho looks up; he missed the question.
                               DELIA
                 Are they still here, Otho?
                               OTHO
                 Oh, they're still here.  They're
                 just not showing up.
                               CHARLES
                 They're probably guilty about what
                 they did to me.
                               DELIA
                 Not these people!  They are
                 ruthless!
                               MAXIE
                 I don't care from guilt.  I just
                 want to see them.
                               CHARLES
                 Otho, can you do it?
                               OTHO
                 It's tricky, but I think I can
                 handle it.
       He dramatically produces the handbook.
                               LYDIA
                 No!
       Lydia begins to think about this scene and she shifts
       to another point of view.
                               LYDIA
                 Wait a minute!  What am I worried
                 about?  Otho, you can't even
                 change a tire!
                               OTHO
                        (taking the challenge)
                 I'll need something personal of
                 theirs.
                               LYDIA
                 You'll have to go to the Goodwill.
       Delia gets an idea.


       EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
       The moon stares down icily through gray clouds.  Wind
       up.


       INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
       Barbara is looking out the window.
                               BARBARA
                        (wistful)
                 You know, I've been thinking.  I
                 could teach Lydia to sew.
                               ADAM
                 Little black party dresses?
                               BARBARA
                        (punching him playfully)
                 Ah, Adam, you don't know anything
                 about little girls.  She's just...
                 missed out on some love, that's
                 all...
                               ADAM
                        (huffy)
                 Let's see if she can get my model
                 back.
                               BARBARA
                 You can build another one... with
                 her.
       Adam isn't convinced.  Barbara motions him to sit next
       to her.
                               BARBARA
                        (continuing)
                 Come here, I want to talk to you.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Delia carefully brings out a big plastic bag.  Lays
       something out on the dining room table.
                               DELIA
                 I'm deeply sentimental about...
                 weddings.
       Lydia stands to see:  Delia carefully lays out
       Barbara's white wedding dress.  Then next to it, Adam's
       wedding tux.
       Lydia looks at it.  A chill runs through her.
                               LYDIA
                        (hushed realization)
                 Their wedding clothes.
                               OTHO
                        (dramatically)
                 Their wedding clothes.
       Otho then holds up the handbook.
                               SARAH
                 The "words".
       Otho nods.


       INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
       Lydia is nervous now.  Otho lights a candle and Delia
       turns out the lights.
                               OTHO
                 Hands vermillion / start of five
                 bright cotillion / raven's dive
                 nightshades promise / spirit's strive,
                 to the living / let now the dead...
                 come alive.
       Nothing happens.  Lydia nervously turns away.
                               LYDIA
                        (sarcastically)
                 Doo wah.


       ANGLE
       Then a SIZZLE, a TINY CRACKLE, along one side of the
       square.


       INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
       Barbara with her arm on his shoulder, talks to Adam.
                               BARBARA
                 We've been given a gift here,
                 honey.  A real live little girl.
                 She likes us a lot.  She needs
                 us.  Maybe that's why we died so
                 young, to keep us from getting
                 so... attached to things.  The
                 house, antiques, your model.  Look
                 at us.  We didn't have room for
                 anyone.
                               ADAM
                        (after a long thought)
                 What makes you think she likes me?
       Barbara slowly smiles.  He does too.
       He turns to Barbara.  CAMERA HINGES WITH him to see --


       ON BARBARA
       Her face is frightened.  She cannot speak.  She reaches
       out to him -- but is disappearing.  He reaches for her
       but she is suddenly -- GONE.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Varicolored lightning bolts shoot from every corner of
       the square.  A gasp from everyone but Lydia.


       ON LYDIA -- she is looking away.  She turns to see:


       ON THE DRESS
       Barbara's wedding dress floats over the table and fills
       slowly, painfully, with the arms, legs and finally the
       frightened face of Barbara.  A lightning bolt flares.
       Lydia rises slowly to her feet, unable to resist.
       More lightning bolts.
                               OTHO
                 As sudden thunder / Pierces the night;
                 As magic wonder / Mad affright
                 Rives asunder / Man's delight:
                 Our ghost, our corpse and we
                 Rise to be.
       Lydia walks slowly toward Barbara.


       ON BARBARA
       She is in pain, she is very slowly aging.  She speaks,
       but no words can be heard.  Not even by Lydia.  But we
       can see she is calling for... Adam.
                               LYDIA
                 Stop it!
                               MAXIE
                 Shhhh!
       Lydia screams for Adam.
                               LYDIA
                 Adam.  Adam.
                               OTHO
                        (louder)
                 As flies the lizard / Serpent fell;
                 As goblin vizard, / At the spell
                 Of pale wizard, / Sinks to hell;
                 The buried, dead, and slain...
                 Rise again.


       INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
       In a lightning flare we see: Adam searching for
       Barbara.  He rushes out into the hallway.
                               ADAM
                 Barbara!  Barbara?  Ba...
       His last plaintive call becomes mute as he too begins
       slowly to disappear.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       On each of the watchers one by one, scared but
       delighted too.  No one is watching Lydia.
       ON LYDIA -- tears well up in her eyes.


       ON BARBARA
       She is slowly aging.  Now a bewildered Adam appears,
       floating in his wedding suit.  Seeing his Barbara, now
       older than he is, Adam reaches for her hand...
       ON HANDS -- as he grasps her hand, it seems to be made
       of white crepe; it wrinkles and nearly collapses.
       Adam... puzzled, calls her name silently.
                               DELIA
                 What's happening to them?
                               OTHO
                 I don't know.
                               CHARLES
                 Are they suffering?
                               LYDIA
                        (screams)
                 They're dying.
                               MAXIE
                 They're already dead.  They can't
                 feel a thing.
       Obviously not true.
       ON BARBARA -- she looks down slowly at Lydia and with
       effort makes a loving smile.  She reaches out toward
       Lydia.
       Completely helpless now, Lydia weeps openly and then
       something comes over her.  She rushes across the room.
       Stares down at the model.
                               LYDIA
                 Where are you?  Help us!  Please.
                 Betelgeuse!
       A CRACK OF LIGHTNING.


       EXT. MODEL TOWN GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
       Someone, or something, like the figure of death in the
       Goya drawing, is perched atop the gravestone of Barbara
       and Adam Maitland.  The graves beneath him are open.
       The figure turns... it is Betelgeuse.  He is filing his
       talons casually.
       He speaks with a ghastly rasp.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 So... You're ready for me now?
                               LYDIA
                 You've got to help them.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Can you help me?
                               LYDIA
                        (frightened)
                 ... I will.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Then I'll help them.  For a price.
       He grins.
                               LYDIA
                 W... What is it?
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (his words echo
                         horribly
                 Be... my... queen!
                               LYDIA
                        (repulsed)
                 Your qu...?  But you're...
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (smiling devilishly)
                 I'm beeyoo-teeful.


       ON LYDIA
       She is chilled.  Steps back.
       She turns back to the Maitlands who are continuing to
       age.  Looks back to the model.
                               LYDIA
                 ... All right... Betelgeuse...


       ON BETELGEUSE
       He doubles in size.  The tombstone crumbles beneath
       him...
                               LYDIA (V.O.)
                        (louder)
                 Betelgeuse...


       WIDER ON GRAVEYARD
       He doubles in size again.


       ON LYDIA
       She hesitates.


       ON BETELGEUSE - TIGHT
       He looks up at her confidently.
                               LYDIA
                 Betelgeuse!


       DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Barbara and Adam's corpses are nearly at the end of
       their ropes.
                               CHARLES
                 All right, that's enough.  Can you
                 stop this now?
       Otho doesn't answer.
                               CHARLES
                        (continuing)
                 Otho?
                               OTHO
                 It's too late, Charles.  I'm
                 sorry.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Lydia peers at the model.  Betelgeuse is transforming.
       There's a LOW RUMBLE.  The model town starts to shake.


       INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
       Lydia backs away.  Betelgeuse's head, now human-size,
       rises from the center of the model town.


       TIGHT ON HIS FACE
       His grin is malevolent and malicious.  It's showtime,
       folks!
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Attention, K-Mart shoppers!


       ON DEETZES
       -- who have been focused on the Maitlands now turning
       around to the model.


       ON MODEL
       Betelgeuse begins a bright but sinister Carnival
       Barker's pitch.  His shoulders now are clearing the
       model.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Welcome to Winter River!


       ANGLE
       Sarah rushes over to the model, thinking this is more
       of the show.  Maxie follows.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Hel LO Piggies!  Welcome to Winter
                 River!  See the Museum of Natural
                 Greed.  The Monument to Bored
                 Businessmen!  Come closer!


       ANGLE
       Suddenly Betelgeuse's arms elongate, swell and CRACKLE.


       ON MAXIE AND SARAH
       Their eyes grow wide.


       TIGHT ON BETELGEUSE'S HANDS
       They split, unfurl, and transmutate into two, shiny,
       huge sledgehammers.


       ON BETELGEUSE
       He grins, his eyes sparkle in anticipation.  CARNEY
       MUSIC UP.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (roughly to the tune
                         of "Santa Claus is
                         Coming to Town")
                 You better not sell, you better
                 not buy...


       ON MAXIE AND SARAH
       Behind each of them, a graduated CARNIVAL BELL RINGING
       GAME STANDARD erects itself.


       ON BETELGEUSE
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (still singing)
                 Or old Uncle Beetle Claus will be
                 makin'... you... fly.
       Betelgeuse swings his hammer/hands and sends Max and
       Sarah zooming through the roof.  GONG.  GONG.


       ANGLE
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (in style of game
                         show host)
                 Yowser, yowser.  Well, who do we
                 have here tonight?


       ANGLE
       He looks up at the suspended Maitlands.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Let's have a hand for the
                 Maitlands, Barbara and Adam.  They
                 deserve a rest.


       ON MAITLANDS
       Wispy shadows by now, but still alive/dead.  They fall
       in a heap on the floor.  NOTE:  They immediately start
       to regenerate themselves.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Well, we'll get back to them after
                 they recover from their flight.


       ON ADAM
       Filling out again, he struggles to stand, but falls.
       Barbara shakes her head, trying to regain her focus.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (looking around)
                 My God, what ugly wall dressing.
                 Who is responsible for all this
                 ugliness?
                        (spying Otho trying
                         to hide)
                 Otho, it's you!  Watch out for the
                 taste patrol!


       ANGLE
       He waves and the door opens.  A little Italian gentle-
       man appears.
                               OTHO
                 No.  Noooo!  My God.  It's Giorgio
                 Armani!
                               GIORGIO
                 Before youa getta started herea, I
                 joost wanta to saya, Otho,
                 don'ta weara my stuff?  Okay?
                 Youa too fat for human-type
                 clothes.  Ita makes my designs
                 looka like aircraft covering!


       ANGLE
       Otho is horrified.  Suddenly he looks down and sees his
       clothing has transformed into a polyester nightmare.
       He runs out the door screaming.  Betelgeuese laughs
       with delight then focuses on Lydia.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Let's leave this crazy world
                 behind us.  I'll take you out in
                 style!
       Sound of eerie WEDDING MARCH.  The fireplace changes
       into an expressionist altar.


       ANGLE
       His leering horned whores walk like bridesmaids, in
       step, through the door.  They rush toward Lydia.


       ANGLE
       Frightened, Lydia is assaulted and pulled forward by
       these ugly handmaidens; she suddenly looks down and
       sees she is now clothed in a blood-red wedding dress.
       Lydia screams!!
                               BARBARA
                 No... No!
       Adam's eyes widen.
                               LYDIA
                        (frightened, but
                         hurling the incan-
                         tation to make him
                         disappear)
                 No... Betelgeuse.  Bet...
       Betelgeuse waves a hand and Lydia's mouth freezes.
       Delia and Charles plead with the recovering Maitlands.
                               DELIA
                        (frantic)
                 Please, can't you do something!
                 Please!


       ON BARBARA AND ADAM
       Adam, not fully recovered, heroically tries to speak --
       but his jaw falls off.  An exhausted Barbara tries to
       help him reattach it.
       Betelgeuse looks at Lydia.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You know if we're going to get
                 married, we're going to need
                 witnesses!
       Betelgeuse shifts his glare to Charles and Delia.
       From Behind, Delia's horrid sculptures come to life
       and attack Charles and Delia.  The sculptures twist
       around them, forcing them to watch the hideous
       spectacle.
       Adam and Barbara are rapidly trying to recover as the
       ceremony begins.


       A DEATH-MASKED OLD PREACHER
       slides down the fireplace, ready to perform the
       service, speaks with a hissing death rattle.
                               PREACHER
                 Do you, Betel...
       His mouth drops and is frozen.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Uh-uh!  No one says the B word!
                               PREACHER
                 Do you, _____________, take this
                 woman to be your wedded wife?  To
                 honor...
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (interrupting)
                 You betcha!
       Lydia screams and struggles.
                               PREACHER
                 And... you?  Do you, Lydia, take
                 this man?... er, uh... man... to
                 be your lawful wedded husband?...
                 In sickness...
       Lydia struggles.  Her screams are muffled and distant.
       Betelgeuse grabs her and shakes her.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 You don't have to answer him,
                 snookums.  I'll do it for you.
                        (eerily, speaking in
                         her voice)
                 I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound
                 mind.  The man next to me is the
                 one I want.  You asked me... I'm
                 answering.  Yes.  How I love that
                 man of mine.
       Adam, now fully regenerated, moves toward them.  He
       shouts the incantation.
                               ADAM
                 Beetle...


       ANGLE
       Betelgeuse turns to him and with a sweep of his hand,
       Adam's teeth (as if they were false), fly out of his
       mouth and CLATTER to the floor.  Adam, toothless,
       musters up his ghost powers and --
       ON TEETH - TIGHT -- they rare back and continue
       shouting...
                               TEETH
                 Beetleju...


       ANGLE
       Mayhem breaks out.  A furious Betelgeuse stomps at them
       with his feet.  The teeth scuttle under the model.
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (angrily, to old man)
                 Now move it, pops!


       ON ADAM
       Speechless, Adam heroically charges toward Betelgeuse,
       ready to strike him.  Betelgeuse spins on him and waves
       his hand.  SOUND OF RUSHING WIND.


       ON ADAM
       He has been zapped into his model town.


       ANGLE
       Barbara screams and jumps at Betelgeuse.
                               BARBARA
                 Beetlegeuse...
       Betelgeuse turns on her, eyes flashing.


       ON BARBARA
       A gag comes over her mouth.


       ON MODEL
       Adam is running around the streets trying to get out of
       the model.  He looks up into the sky, sees a red glow
       and THUNDERING WEDDING MUSIC.  He doesn't know what to
       do.


       ON BARBARA
       She tears away her face (like tissue) and tries to say
       his name again...
                               BARBARA
                 Betelgeuse...


       ON BETELGEUSE
       More angry, he waves his hand.


       ON BARBARA
       Her lips are zippered shut.


       IN MODEL
       Desperate, Adam gets an idea.  He runs over to the
       truck Betelgeuse had crashed earlier, jumps in and
       tries to start it.


       ON BARBARA
       She unzips her mouth and tries again.
                               BARBARA
                 Be


       ON BETELGEUSE
       Fire darts from his eyes....


       ON BARBARA
       A chromium steel plate is riveted across her mouth.
       She screams wordlessly behind it.


       IN MODEL
       Adam finally gets the truck started.


       BARBARA
       Struggling with her mouth, frustrated to the breaking
       point, she looks all around the room and rushes to the
       window and CRASHES through into the night.


       IN MODEL
       Adam sees Barbara rush out.  He looks back at
       Betelgeuse, floors the gas pedal and goes for one last
       shot.


       BETELGEUSE
                               BETELGEUSE
                        (angry)
                 Now, let's get rolling!
                               PREACHER
                 Then, by the authority vested in
                 me by...
       A RUMBLE comes from outside.  Everyone notices but the
       Preacher.  He stutters to finish the wedding.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 By me!  Get on with it!
       LOUDER NOISE from outside.  Now nearly DEAFENING.
                               PREACHER
                 Yes... by him.  I now pronounce
                 you man and...


       ANGLE
       The truck is racing up to Betelgeuse's foot.  Adam
       bails out just in time as the truck hits Betelgeuse's
       foot and EXPLODES, giving him a distracting hot foot,
       then --


       ON WINDOW
       Through it -- amidst a cloud of yellow dust -- CRASHES
       the sand worm.  Barbara rides him bareback.  Barbara
       struggles to control the ROARING worm.  She pulls on
       his ears and looks around for Beetle Juice.  Seeing
       him, she spurs the Worm after Beetle Juice.


       ANGLE
       Beetle Juice struggles, trying to run from the worm.
       But Barbara and the worm outmaneuver him, corner him,
       and when the worm reaches him, he opens his hungry
       mouth and gulps Betelgeuse in one mouthful.
                               BETELGEUSE
                 Rrrrat shit!


       ANGLE
       Barbara leaps off, as the Sand Worm continues down
       through the floorboards of the house
       Betelgeuse is gone.  Adam is back to full size.
       Charles and Delia are no longer held by the sculptures.
       Lydia runs back to her family and Adam and Barbara.
       The dust settles.


       ON HOLE - JUNO
       peers into the room.  She pulls the whores through the
       hole.
                                                  FADE OUT.
       FADE IN:
       EXT. MAIN STREET - WINTER RIVER - A BRIGHT DAY
       BIRDS SING.  Ernie polishes the lion.  Old Bill sleeps.
       People stroll.


       EXT. MISS SHANNON'S BOARDING SCHOOL - DAY
       A lovely white boarding school with long, green lawn.
       A BELL RINGS.  Girls come out the front door.  Say
       goodbyes.  Lydia walks out too, carrying books.
                               LYDIA
                 'Bye, Serena.  See you later.
       Lydia walks along Main Street of Winter River.


       EXT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES/TRAVEL/REAL ESTATE
       Jane is getting out of her car -- Little Jane follows.
                               JANE
                 Hellooo!  How's school?
                               LYDIA
                        (not particularly
                         interested)
                 It's okay.  How's the dirt
                 business?
                               JANE
                 Well, I'm expecting a call from
                 your parents.  I have some news
                 for them.
       Jane hears PHONE RING from inside, rushes in to answer it.
                               LYDIA
                 Tell them I'll call them tonight.


       EXT. MAIN STREET - WINTER RIVER - A BRIGHT DAY
       Ernie polishes the lion.  Lydia passes.
                               LYDIA
                 Don't forget the balls, Ernie.
       He looks around, surprised.


       INT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES/TRAVEL/REAL ESTATE
       Jane screams into the phone.
                               JANE
                 What do you mean no?  After all
                 I've done for you.  I don't do
                 this for my health you know.
       CAMERA EXPLORES a row of photographs of houses for
       sale.
       ON PHOTOGRAPH -- of the old Maitland house.  It is
       delapidated and haunted-looking.  A legend reads:
       Fixer-Upper's Special."
       BACK TO JANE -- she is frustrated.
                               JANE
                 I have here a bona fide offer of
                 $250,000.00 for that dump.
       Little Jane is now at the Xerox machine.  The NOISE
       irritates Big Jane and she throws a wad of paper at
       Little Jane.  Little Jane gets mad and throws her
       papers into the air and exits.


       INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY
       We recognize the furniture.  It's the Deetzes'.  Delia
       is on the phone to Jane.  Charles comes in with the
       Wall Street Journal.  He fidgets, taps his fingers, as
       he reads and pours coffee -- all at once.
                               DELIA
                        (whisper to Charles)
                 It's Mrs. Butterworth again.
       Charles picks up the extension.
                               CHARLES
                 Listen to me, Jane.  We don't want
                 anyone looking at the house.  We
                 don't want it painted, the yard
                 mowed, the trees trimmed, nor do
                 we want it termite inspected.
                 It's not for sale.


       INT. JANE'S STORE - DAY
       Jane listens.  Silent.  Thinking.
                               JANE
                 Well.  Okay for now.  When will
                 you sell it?


       INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY
                               DELIA
                        (smiles)
                 Never, honey.  Never.
       She hangs up.  Looks at Charles.
                               DELIA
                        (continuing)
                 Some people never know when to
                 leave things the way they are.
       Charles smiles.


       INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
       SOUND OF SWEEPING -- CAMERA eases up -- Barbara is
       sweeping.  Adam working on his model.
                               ADAM
                 What time is it?
                               BARBARA
                 3:30 I guess.
                               ADAM
                 Give or take a year.
       Barbara smiles.
       The KITCHEN DOOR SLAMS.  Barbara looks up at Adam.
       They smile.
                               ADAM
                 Did you get the paint?
                               LYDIA'S VOICE
                 I got it.  And I took pictures of
                 the new church for you, too.
                               BARBARA
                 How'd you do on the science test?
       ON LYDIA
                               LYDIA
                        (hangs her head)
                 It was gross.  They wanted me to
                 dissect a frog.  I told them no
                 way.  I said it was against my
                 religion.  I got a C.
       Adam frowns a little.
                               BARBARA
                 How did you do on the math test?
       Lydia looks down coyly.
                               ADAM
                 We studied all day yesterday.
                 Don't tell me...
                               LYDIA
                 I got an A!
       They grin with pride.
                               LYDIA
                        (continuing)
                 So can I?
                               ADAM
                        (shaking his head)
                 Uh-uh.  Only if you got above a C
                 on science.
                               LYDIA
                 Oh, go on...
                               BARBARA
                 Oh, Adam, don't tease her.  You
                 never got an A in science in your
                 life!
                               ADAM
                 All right.
       ON LYDIA -- she puts down her books.  Loosens her
       collar, ruffles her hair and waits.
                               ADAM
                        (continuing)
                 Okay.
       Lydia looks down.  Lydia begins to levitate.
       She lifts her head and leaves the white bread world
       behind!  In a voice as deep and soulful as Percy
       Sledge:
                               LYDIA
                 "When a man loves a woman.
                 He can't keep his mind on nothin' else."
       Behind her ghostly images of the football players
       appear as back-up.
                               FOOTBALLERS
                 Oooooo.  Hummm oooooo.
                               LYDIA
                 He'd change the world for the good
                 thing he's found.  When a main
                 needs a woman, He cain't keep his
                 mind on nothin' else.  If she's
                 bad, he won't see it, she can do
                 no wrong.
       MUSIC CONTINUES OVER:


       ANGLE
       A great pile of sand with the whorehouse in the
       middle.  An irritated Betelgeuse crawls out on the
       roof.  Hating the singing he shakes his fist at the
       sky -- loses his footing and tumbles into the sand.
       Terrified, he scrambles to get out.


       ON PILE
       A moving coil under the sand sends him scurrying inside
       again.  The Sandworm SNAPPING right behind him as he
       runs back out on the roof.


       ANGLE
       CAMERA TILTS UP to see house.  It is the perfect, New
       England house.  CAMERA PULLS BACK from the model -- out
       the window of the real house.
       Outside the real house -- we see it is dilapidated, and
       undeniably, the perfect haunted house.
                                                  FADE OUT.