(Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings) (Doctor Gill Gilliam is along with all the Joes.)
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Uhh, yeah, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises. (Squidward shuts door. phone rings)
Squidward: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (plays a clarinet note)
Squilliam: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum?
Squidward: *gasp* Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Squidward: The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba?!?!
Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh…
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.
Squidward: HOLD IT! It just so happens that I DON'T sell fast food, I DO have a band, and we're going to play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancyboy?!
Squilliam: Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of… Ibuprofen. (hangs up phone)
Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum…haha…band humor. (In the following lines, Plankton, Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, and Larry are reading from a poster)
Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Bikini Bottom.
Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.
Mr. Krabs: Not to mention free refreshments.
Larry: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. (Squidward looks at his watch while driving a shell cart)
Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.
All: Blah, blah, blah, blah!
Squidward: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again) Horseradish is not an instrument, either. (Patrick lowers his hand) That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you. (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?
Squidward: Ok, try to repeat after me. (Squidward plays 5 notes) Brass section, go. (brass section repeats) Good. Now the wind. (wind section repeats) And the drums. (drummers misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. (Next scene) Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking?! I want to do some kicking! (Patrick kicks Sandy in the butt)
Sandy: Ow! Why, you…! (both take fight outside shouting outside)
Patrick: Ahh!!!! Hahaahahah!!!!!! Whoever is the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks in with his body in a trombone.)
Narrator: Day two. (band walking down a street playing)
Squidward: Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move!!! C'mon, move!!! (explosion)
Narrator: Day three.
Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming Plankton?
Plankton: It's tremendous, you want to see? (Plankton plays the harmonica and runs out of breath)
Narrator: Day Four
Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began… (Patrick chews on a trumpet) …but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four! (windows break and Squidward's face is deformed when they make a piercing noise with their instruments) Ok, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Harold (in British accent): Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?!
Harold (in British accent): BIG, meaty CLAWS!
Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates.
Harold (in British accent): Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
SpongeBob: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Nancy: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us. (captions version Oh ho, so now the talking CHEESE is going to preach to us.)
Squidward: Wait, wait. I know tempers are high. (everyone gets into a fight. Pilar and Larry are yelling at each other. Medley slams a drum at him.) There's a deposit on the equipment, people! (everyone uses their instruments as weapons. Mr. Krabs and Harold charge at each other with clarinets. Mrs. Puff slams them both with her cymbals.) Settle down, please. (Sandy and Frank are fighting. Sandy breaks the xylophone from Frank and Frank zooms. Patrick kicks Sandy, who chases him as the clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting.)
Fred: Hey, class is over! (they all walk to the door where Squidward slams them open)
Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing.
Patrick: You're welcome.
SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?
Evelyn: A firemen.
SpongeBob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Larry: Some guy in an ambulance.
SpongeBob: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band.
Harold (in German accent): Yeah, for the firemen!
SpongeBob: Now let's make Squidward proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddleydiddleydoo.
(At Bubble Bowl)
Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that… (sees Squilliam) …SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!! AH! What are you doing here?
Squilliam: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?
Squidward: Um, they couldn't come. They…died.
Squilliam: Then who's that?
Squidward: AH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!
SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward.
Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look. (SpongeBob dances)
Squidward: That's his…eager face. (Squilliam laughs. They all go into the Bubble Bowl)
Squidward: Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.
SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward. (bowl raises above a football field)
Football Announcer: Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom SuperBand!!! (all cheering)
Patrick: These are some ugly looking fish.
SpongeBob: Maybe we're in those toxic waste dumps.
Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Squidward: Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4.
(Music: "Sweet Victory") (SpongeBob begins singing)
The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. The only attack were their wings on the wind. Oh, the daydream begins. And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, in the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the world is ours to follow. Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.
(Squidward jumps into the air, delighted they he impressed Squilliam)