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                BAD TEACHER


                                 Written by
                       Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky



                                                   June 6, 2008


                        FADE IN:
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY
         To establish.
         A school marquee with removable plastic letters reads,
         "GOOD LUCK WITH FINALS!" A JANITOR opens the glass and
         starts removing the letters.
         INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY
         POP! A Champagne cork hits the ceiling.
         TEACHERS who rarely get to drink at work, jockey for
         position, holding out their plastic flutes. (Note:
         female teachers outnumber male teachers 12:1.)
         PRINCIPAL WALLY SNUR, 40s, balding, faces the teachers.
         He has a habit of blinking hard before speaking.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Well, it's been another great year here
         at JAMS. Who can forget Mr. Pinkus'
         haunted classroom? Sandy, thank you.
         SANDY PINKUS, 40s, sporting a ponytail, smiles, clearly
         enjoying the small compliment.
                        SANDY
         I ain't afraid of no ghost.
         The other teachers laugh.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Or the wild success of...
         VOICE (O.C.)
         Wally, can I just say one quick thing?
         Wally turns to AMY SQUIRREL, late 20s, cute and
         wholesome. Any trace of sexuality she might have is
         wiped away by her adult pigtails. She treats students
         and adults alike -- like students.
                        AMY
         Just wanted to remind everyone the school
         day's not over. So let's keep the
         drinking under control, hmm? That's it.
         Back to you, Wally.
         A bunch of teacher roll their eyes.





                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Thanks, Amy,
         (then, back to his notes)
         . Or the wild success of the book drive
         for the women's prison sponsored by Ms.
         Savicki's class?
         A broad-shouldered teacher with spiky hair, MS. SAVICKI, nods.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         But now as the summer is upon us, it's
         time to not only say goodbye to another
         school year, but to also say goodbye to a
         member of our faculty.
                        (BEAT)
         Elizabeth, can you come up here?
         ELIZABETH HALSEY, mid 20s, pretty and petite, walks up to
         the front. She sports an enormous diamond ring and dresses
         slightly more cosmopolitan than the other teachers.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         You've only been with us for one short
         year, but know that you'll always be a
         part of the JAMS family.
         Elizabeth gives Principal Snur an appreciative smile.
         The Teachers lightly applaud.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         And we got you a little something.
         Wally hands Elizabeth an envelope. She opens it and.
         pulls out a gift card: BOSTON MARKET. $37.
                        ELIZABETH
         Almost forty dollars. Thank you!
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Why don't you say a couple words?
                        ELIZABETH
         Okay. Um... I'm not really good at this
         type of thing so I'll make it quick. I
         know I've only been here a year, but
         there's so much I'm going to miss...
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         Elizabeth sits at her desk, cleaning it out. She's tossing
         the few personal effects she has into a banker's box.





         3.
         ELIZABETH (V.0.)
         My students, probably most of all.I'm not
         saying they were little angels, butthey
         were all there to learn and that'sthe
         greatest gift a student can give a teacher.
         Elizabeth's class is horsing around, enjoying the last
         days of seventh grade.
         A dim-looking BOY tentatively approaches her desk with
         his yearbook in hand. He hands it to Elizabeth, who
         considers what to write for a beat, then smiles as she
         signs it.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         Elizabeth walks down the hall holding her box.
         SIXTH, SEVENTH and EIGHTH graders all race past her,
         running toward their summer vacation.
         ELIZABETH (V.0.)
         And I wish that I had gotten to know all of
         you better, but between four classes and
         planning a wedding, I had my hands full.
         From the little I do know about you, I know
         that our students are in good hands.
         Elizabeth passes Amy's classroom, where she is carefully
         removing inspirational posters from her walls and rolling
         them into cardboard tubes.
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY
         Three middle school BURNOUTS are smoking weed in a
         thicket on the outskirts of the school property.
         ELIZABETH (V.0.)
         And I can't believe it's all over. This
         year flew by. And even though I'll never
         teach again professionally, I've realized
         that I don't need a blackboard and
         classroom to set an example.
         Elizabeth comes up behind them.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Hand it over.
         The Burnouts' eyes all go wide and they freeze. One of
         the burnouts hands her the joint.





                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Everything.
         The kids look at each other and then pull out a bag with
         a couple of joints. They hand it over to Elizabeth.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         This was a warning. Next time, I don't
         call the principal. I call the cops.
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY
         Elizabeth walks to her brand new MERCEDES. She gets in,
         pulls out a joint and lights it. She takes a huge TOKE,
         and then PEELS out of the lot. She tosses her banker's
         box out the window and extends her hand, giving the
         school THE FINGER.
         ELIZABETH (O.S.)
         Woo-hoo!
         A couple students look at her strangely.
                        ANGLE ON
         The dim-looking kid that had Elizabeth sign his yearbook.
         He flips to the faculty section, and by the picture of
         Elizabeth is her message: "YOU ARE ILLITERATE!"
                        DIM-LOOKING KID
         (struggling to read)
         You are... Illit... Illit...
         Elizabeth's car comes barrelling toward him and nearly
         hits him.
         She accelerates into the speed bumps, almost hitting the
         JANITOR from the opening shot, who's changing the plastic
         letters to read, "HAVE A GREAT SUMMER!"
                        JANITOR
         Slow down!
         CHYRON: BAD TEACHER
         EXT. TOWNHOUSE NIGHT
         A Mercedes with the vanity plate "HIS" is parked in the
         driveway of an upscale neighborhood. Elizabeth's matching
         Mercedes pulls into the adjacent spot. Her license plate
         reads "HERS."





         INT. TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT
         A bachelor pad. Top of the line electronics. Lots of
         black leather furniture. Tacky, but expensive.
         Elizabeth pours two glasses of wine and takes a long sip.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (CALLING)
         Baby Doll?
         MARK (O.S.)
         Coming!
         MARK, early 30s, exits the bedroom in his underwear.
         He's shaved his head to avoid signs of early balding and
         is also a full four inches shorter than Elizabeth.
         Thankfully for him, he has money.
                        MARK (CONT'D)
                        (ANXIOUS)
         Hey! That was a quick party.
         Elizabeth kisses Mark on the top of his head and hands
         him a glass.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah. You should have seen it. What a
         joke.
         She raises her glass for a toast. He raises his.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Here's to me never having to work again.
         And I owe it all to you, Lover.
         Elizabeth takes a big sip.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (FLIRTATIOUS)
         So I made a reservation at Ruth's Chris,
         and then I booked us a suite at the
         Drake, and I thought we could finish the
         night in "anal alley." Hmm?
         Something drops in the bedroom. Mark, alarmed, turns
         towards the door. Elizabeth brushes past him into --
         INT. TOWNHOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
         Elizabeth enters to find -- NOTHING. Mark follows her in.





         Elizabeth looks around -- under the bed, in the closet,
         behind the door.
                        MARK
         See? Nothing.
         Just then, the wooden chest at the foot of the bed SNEEZES.
         Elizabeth opens the latch to find SHEILA, 23, dressed only
         in a thong, scrunched in the fetal position. She stands,
         revealing LARGE FAKE BREASTS, and steps out of the chest.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO MARK)
         Motherfucker!
                        ELIZABETH
         How could you do this to me?!
         I'm sorry.
                        ELIZABETH
         You are buying me the biggest pair of
         yellow diamond earrings they make! I'm
         talking serious blood diamonds.
         Sheila SNEEZES again.
         Bless you.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO SHEILA)
         Get out of my house, bitch!
                        MARK
         Don't talk to her like that.
                        ELIZABETH
         Excuse me?
         I love her.
         Mark puts his arm around Sheila. Elizabeth eyes Sheila's
         large breasts.
                        ELIZABETH
         You love her? She's a hooker.





                        MARK SHEILA
         She's not a hooker. I dance.
         Elizabeth takes a deep breath.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (SWEET)
         Listen, Marky, you made a mistake.
         You're human. I'm human. And this time
         it was you. Maybe six months from now,
         you'll walk in on me. I don't know, but
         probably.
         Sheila SNEEZES again.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Shut the fuck up.
         (then, to Mark, sweet)
         And. maybe I'm talking crazy, but I don't
         want to throw away our life together over
         something like this. We're getting
         married! I'm willing to fight for us.
                        MARK
         I'm not. And you know why? Because
         Sheila loves me -- and not just for my
         money.
         Sheila squeezes his shoulder.
                        ELIZABETH
         I'm sorry if I care that my future husband
         can support me. We didn't all grow up
         with a silver spoon in our mouths. You
         can't even imagine what it's like going to
         bed hungry, night after night.
                        MARK
         What are you talking about?! Both your
         parents are CPAs.
                        ELIZABETH
         My parents worked their asses off to send
         me to private school. Do you know what
         it's like driving a Pontiac when everyone
         else gets a Beemer the second they
         menstruate? That shit stays with you.
                        MARK
         It's over, Elizabeth.





                        ELIZABETH
         For the record, there's a shitload of
         things that I hate about you, but I still,
         would've gotten married.
         (beat, sweet)
         Because I love you.
                        MARK
         (rolls his eyes)
         I'm gonna need the ring back.
         She grabs her bag and heads for the exit. Mark follows.
                        ELIZABETH
         You sad little troll! I hope you and
         your hooker enjoy chlamydia together!
                        MARK
         Elizabeth. The ring.
                        ELIZABETH
         (not turning around)
         I'm not even listening to you anymore.
         She starts to open the door. He closes it.
         The ring!
                        ELIZABETH
         Like I even want your gay-ass ring.
         She tries pulling it off.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         It's not coming off. I'll go to the
         jeweler's tomorrow.
         Mark takes her hand and removes the ring with ease.
         Elizabeth steps out into the night. The door SLAMS
         behind her.
         CHYRON: 3 MONTHS LATER
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY
         A red 1994 Grand Am with a cracked windshield peels into
         the half-empty lot and screeches to a halt. The license
         plate reads "HERS."





         9.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         Elizabeth walks down the empty hall. It's possible a
         person has never looked less happy to be anywhere.
         FAINT SOFT ROCK plays from an open door. Something from
         inside the classroom catches Elizabeth's eye.
                        ELIZABETH
         (under her breath)
         You've gotta be shitting me.
         TURN TO REVEAL
                        AMY'S CLASSROOM
         The room has been decorated to within an inch of its
         life. Every surface is covered with posters like "Noted
         African-Americans," or "Hispanic American Hall of Fame,"
         or "Women Who Dared." A RED DELICIOUS APPLE has been
         placed on each student's desk.
         Amy, dressed casually in cargo shorts and texas, is trying
         to hang a large "INTEGRITY" poster. She looks over, sees
         Elizabeth staring at her, and immediately lights up.
                        AMY
         Elizabeth Halsey, as I live and breathe!
                        ELIZABETH
         Amy Squirrel.
                        AMY
         I know we barely got a chance to get to
         know one another last year -- what with
         you planning the wedding of the century
         and me juggling all my extra-currics --
         but I just want to say that I'm super
         excited to be across-the-hall-mates.
                        ELIZABETH
         Okay.
                        AMY
         And I know you kinda skated by last year,
         doing the bare minimum thing -- you were
         kind of a lone wolf -- but now you're
         back and I just know that you are going
         to rededicate yourself to the task at --
         Amy notices Elizabeth's bare hands.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Where's your beautiful ring?





                        ELIZABETH
         My fiance and I broke it off. I found
         him in bed with someone else.
         Oh my gosh!
                        ELIZABETH
         It was another man.
                        AMY
                        (INCREDULOUS)
         Shut the front door!
         (motioning for a hug)
         Somebody needs a hug.
                        ELIZABETH
         Somebody doesn't.
                        AMY
         Hm. Another time then.
         Elizabeth takes an apple from a desk.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (RE APPLE)
         These washed?
                        AMY
         Of course. I'd never serve a student
         unwashed fruit.
         CRUNCH. Elizabeth takes a huge bite out of the apple.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (MOUTHFUL)
         I thought the teachers got the apples.
                        AMY
         Well, I think the students teach me at
         least as'much as I teach them.
                        ELIZABETH
         Stupid.
         Elizabeth tosses the mostly uneaten apple into the trash
         and exits. It hits the rim and lands on the floor.
         Okey-dokey.





         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         It's like an asylum -- nothing on the walls. Elizabeth
         reads from a stack of US Weekly's and circles pictures of
         CELEBRITY BREASTS. LYNN, late 30s, the kind of woman who
         spends a lot of time on her internet dating profiles, but
         rarely gets emailed, pokes her head in.
                        LYNN
         Oh sorry, am I interrupting?
                        ELIZABETH
         Um -- kinda.
                        LYNN
         Do you want to grab some lunch?
                        ELIZABETH
         I'm in the middle of something, Lynn.
         My treat.
                        ELIZABETH
         Fine.
         EXT. KFC - DAY
         Elizabeth and Lynn sit at an outdoor table. Lynn picks at
         a garden salad. Elizabeth is eating a bucket of chicken
         and drinking a large drink. She pulls a bottle of cough
         syrup from her purse and dumps it into her drink.
                        LYNN
         You have that thing going around, huh?
                        ELIZABETH
                        LYNN
         Are you excited for tomorrow?
                        ELIZABETH
         Is tomorrow Saturday?
                        LYNN
         No, it's the first day of school.
                        ELIZABETH
         Wait, I thought I had a week to get my
         class together.





                        LYNN
         Yeah, that was last week.
                        ELIZABETH
         (under her breath)
         Fuck my ass.
                        LYNN
         If you hate teaching so much, why don't
         you just get another job?
                        ELIZABETH
         And do what? Sell perfume at the mall?
         Work at a day care center?
         (slurps her big gulp)
         You know, when I first got into teaching,
         I thought I was doing it for all the
         right reasons: short hours, summers off,
         no accountability.
                        LYNN
         I love my summers. Fresh corn. Mmm.
                        ELIZABETH
         From now on, my full-time job will be
         finding a guy who will take care of me --
                        LYNN
         Oh god, I pray for that --
                        ELIZABETH
         And that makes a shit ton of money and
         doesn't ask too many questions.
         (licking her fingers)
         I spent most of my summer hanging out at
         the bars near where the Bulls practice.
         Had some fun, got some cool souvenirs that
         I Ebayed, but those guys aren't looking to
         settle down. And they all wear condoms.
         And then they take the condoms with them.
         That's how paranoid they are that a girl
         will try and get pregnant. Like it's so
         easy to get pregnant from a guy nutting
         into a condom.
                        LYNN
         You're gonna find someone great.
                        ELIZABETH
         I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean,
         I figure I'm like an 8, 8.5. But once I
         get my new tits, I'll probably be a --





         13.
                        LYNN
         You don't want to do that. You're
         already so pretty.
                        ELIZABETH
         I know I'm hot, Lynn, but I don't stand a
         chance against all those Barbies dolls
         out there. Anna Nicole had it right, may
         she rest in peace.
         Lynn checks her watch.
                        LYNN
         We should finish up. Wally's doing that big
         orientation for teachers in the auditorium.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, I'm not going to that.
                        LYNN
         But it's mandatory.
                        ELIZABETH
         ("I'm so scared")
         Ooohhh...
                        LYNN
         Yeah, I probably won't go either. I
         don't know I might. I'll probably go,
         but just sit in the back. Maybe leave
         early. Maybe stay till the end. Play it
         by ear. Or just stay till the end.
         Lynn takes both their, trays and dumps them.
                        LYNN (CONT'D)
         This was fun.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, it was alright. When you said you
         were taking me to lunch, I kinda thought it
         was going to be nicer, but this was okay.
                        LYNN
         Sorry.
                        ELIZABETH
         It's okay. You can get me next time.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
         Not much character, not many furnishings.





         Elizabeth is online looking at a PORN SITE. She stares
         at the SCREEN and compares breasts to the ones in US
         Weekly. She reaches for a bong and pulls a huge hit.
         The front door opens and her roommate, KIRK, early 30s,
         boarish and carrying a tattered backpack and a Big Gulp,
         walks quickly past Elizabeth.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hey, Kirk, what do you think about me
         with Jessica Simpson's tits?
         He stares at her chest intently. She's not bothered by it.
         Go bigger.
         Kirk enters his bedroom and slams the door.
                        ELIZABETH
         Cool, yeah.
         She glances at the clock: 3:14 AM.
                         ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
          (under her breath)
         Fuck my ass.
          INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
          Elizabeth is asleep. After a beat, the ALARM goes off.
         She checks the clock: 5.:15. She groans.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         First day of school excitement. The bell RINGS, and like
         rats, the KIDS scurry to their various classes. Before
         long, the hallway is empty.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - MORNING
         In one corner, CHASE, clearly at the top of the seventh
         grade food chain, shows off a photo spread of herself
         modelling in a "Western-Style" clothing catalogue.
         GARRETT, 12, wearing grey, stained sweatpants and a grey
         sweatshirt with block letters that read "GYMNASTICS,"
         stares longingly at Chase from a few desks away.





         15.
                        CHASE
         The photographer was, like, sooo nice.
         He made me feel sooo comfortable.
                        (THEN)
         I might get flown to Kansas City for
         their fashion week.
                        GARRETT
                        (RIVETED)
         Oh my.
         Chase and her friends turn to face Garrett, who's as
         surprised as they are that he spoke.
                        CHASE
         Stalk much?
         Garrett quickly turns away. Chase rolls her eyes. An
         angry-looking kid, TRISTAN, wearing a MICHAEL VICK
         JERSEY, turns to Garrett.
                        TRISTAN
                        (FAKE SNEEZING)
         Faggot.
                        GARRETT
                        (EARNEST)
         Bless you.
                        TRISTAN
         What'd you say to me?
         Elizabeth, with large bags under her eyes, enters the
         class. Tristan, on a dime, heads back to his seat.
         The class immediately quiets down. SASHA, 12, dressed
         like a paralegal, walks up to Elizabeth with a large
         Tupperware tray.
                        SASHA
         Hi, I'm Sasha. It's a pleasure to meet
         you.
         (handing over tupperware)
         My mother baked these for you.
                        ELIZABETH
         (not looking up)
         Just leave them on the desk.
         Sasha, confused, gently puts them down and stands there.
         After a moment, Elizabeth looks up.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         You need something?





         16.
         - Sasha shakes her head and retreats to her desk at the
         front of the class.
                         ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Anyone here seen "Stand and Deliver?"
         Show of hands.
         (off their blank stares)
         No one? Edward James Olmos? Wow.
         Elizabeth takes a DVD from her bag. She points to two
         KIDS in the front of the class.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         You and you, go grab the TV and roll it
         up front.
         (pointing to Sasha)
         And you, go shut off the lights.
         The two kids, SHAWN and SPENCER, roll the TV over. Sasha
         shuts off the LIGHTS.
                        SASHA
         We're watching a movie on the first day?
                        CHASE
                        (TO ELIZABETH)
         I think it's awesome. You rock.
                        GARRETT
         I agree with Chase.
         Elizabeth pops in the DVD. "Stand and Deliver," starring
         Edward James Olmos as a tough-as-nails calculus teacher
         in an inner-city school begins. Elizabeth takes a bite
         of one of Sasha's cookies and immediately spits it out.
                        ELIZABETH
         Ugh. Oatmeal raisin?
         She pushes the Tupperware tray into the trash next to her
         desk. Sasha looks on, sadly.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY
         Lunch is in full swing. Each clique has staked its own
         territory. Several TEACHERS, Elizabeth and Amy among
         them, are on lunch duty.
                        ANGLE ON
         GARRETT, sitting alone, writing in a journal. Tristan,
         the bully, tosses a bowl of cole slaw at Garrett.





                        TRISTAN
         Incoming!
         Direct hit. The cole slaw nails him in the shoulder.
         Garrett picks some of the cole slaw off his shirt and
         eats it. He continues writing. Amy races over to
         Tristan and writes him up.
         Elizabeth watches, bored, struggling to keep her eyes
         open. Amy heads over to Elizabeth.
                        AMY
         Somebody's got a case of the sleepies.
                        ELIZABETH
                        AMY
         Did you see what just happened?
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, that one kid hit the other kid with
         the cole slaw.
                        AMY
         You weren't at the orientation the other
         day, but we're doing something new this
         year. It's very exciting. We're
         splitting the cafeteria into quadrants.
         Elizabeth yawns.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         So, anyways, in order for the quadrant
         system to work, it's vital that each
         teacher maintain order within their
         quadrant. Because it's really tough for
         me as head lunch monitor -- or another
         teacher -- to leave their quadrant to
         discipline a kid in another quadrant. I
         know it's a lot to take in. I'd be happy
         to sit with-you after school and explain
         all of the new guidelines.
                        ELIZABETH
         Tell you what. Why don't you send me a
         memo, and if I have any questions, I'll
         come to you.
                        AMY
         Okay, Elizabeth. Sounds like a plan,
         Stan.





         18.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
                        (TO ELIZABETH)
         Oh, I meant to ask you. Did I hear that
         you were showing a movie this morning?
                        ELIZABETH
         How do I know what you heard?
                        AMY
         Fair enough. Listen, I don't want to
         tell you how to run your class, but maybe
         it might be fun to do some ice-breakers.
         Like "Telephone Charades" or "The String
         Game." Or start doing practice questions
         for the state test. It's never too soon
         to start.
                        ELIZABETH
         Are we gonna have a problem, me and you?
                        AMY
         Oh, shishkebobs, no. If I gave you that
         impression, I am so sorry. Actually, I
         was really hoping that we could be more
         than across-the-hall-mates.
                        ELIZABETH
         I don't know what you've heard, but I
         don't munch box.
                        AMY
         No, of course not. I don't even know
         what that is. I just meant friends.
                        ELIZABETH
         Like getting manicures and going shopping
         on Sundays? Shit like that?
                        AMY
         Yes! Yes! And helping each other out.
         Looking out for one another.
                        ELIZABETH
         That's cool. Tell you what, friend, I'm
         gonna get going. Cover for me?
         Elizabeth doesn't wait for an answer, walks off.
                        AMY
                        (NERVOUS)
         But you can't leave. Lunch doesn't end
         for another...
         (looks at clock)
                        (MORE)





         19.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Seven minutes. Who's going to watch your
         quadrant?
         INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - LATER
         Empty. Elizabeth looks around and spots the "INTEGRITY"
         poster on the wall. She walks over and studies it.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         Elizabeth walks down the hallway with the rolled up
         poster. She. passes a man, obviously lost, looking at a
         map. This is SCOTT, 30. Handsome in a wholesome way.
         Elizabeth walks by as he looks up at her helplessly. She
         turns on her heels. Fresh fish.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (VERY FRIENDLY)
         Hi there. You look a little lost.
                        SCOTT
         Hi. Can you tell me where Room 124 is?
                        ELIZABETH
         I'll do you one better. I'll take you
         there.
                        SCOTT
         Oh, you don't have to do that.
                        ELIZABETH
         Will you stop? It'd be my pleasure.
                        SCOTT
         Thanks! I feel like I've been walking
         around in circles for the last fifteen
         minutes.
                        (EXTENDS HAND)
         Scott Delacorte. I'm the new sub.
                        ELIZABETH
         Elizabeth Halsey, 7th Grade Language
         Arts. Welcome, welcome.
         They shake hands a beat too long. Elizabeth notices
         Scott's VERY EXPENSIVE WATCH.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Helluva watch. What's that -- a Jaeger-
         LeCoultre?





                        SCOTT
         Good eye!
                        ELIZABETH
         Thanks. I love men's watches. It's kind
         of a hobby.
                        SCOTT
         It's a bummer knowing my watch could feed
         a village for .a year, but my grandfather
         designed it, so...
                        ELIZABETH
         Oh? Your grandfather designs watches?
                        SCOTT
         The family business. My mom's maiden
         name is Jaeger.
                        ELIZABETH
         Shut up!
                        SCOTT
         My parents had a minor meltdown when I
         decided to join the Peace Corps and
         become a teacher. But they've been cool
         about it.
         Elizabeth smiles and they start walking down the hall.
                         SCOTT (CONT'D)
         Integrity.
                        ELIZABETH
                        SCOTT
         (pointing to poster)..
         The poster. "Integrity." What a great
         message for the kids.
                        ELIZABETH
         That's why I got it.
         They turn a corner. Garrett wheels his backpack past them.
                        GARRETT
         Hey, Ms. Halsey!
                        ELIZABETH
         Hey... dude...
         She slaps him five. Scott notices, smiles.





         21.
                        SCOTT
         Man, I can't wait for the day that I have
         my own classroom.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah... So did you and your wife just
         move to town?
                        SCOTT
         I'm not married.
                        ELIZABETH
         Me neither. I was engaged until I walked
         in on my fiance cheating on me. With his
         brother.
                        SCOTT
         That's horrible!
                        (NOTICING)
         Ooh, 124! This is me.
                        ELIZABETH
         Nice to meet you, Scott Delacourte.
         Hopefully, we'll be seeing a lot of each
         other.
                        SCOTT
                        (HALF-JOKING)
         Only if a teacher gets sick. Great
         meeting you, Elizabeth Halsey.
         He heads into the room. Elizabeth cocks her head,
         checking out his ass as the door closes.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO HERSELF)
         Very nice meeting you.
                        CLOSE ON
         A PAIR OF PERFECT FAKE BREASTS. A hand cups them from
         underneath.
         Pull back to reveal DR. VOGEL, 40s, and his receptionist,
         DANNI, probably in her 40s, with her shirt off. Elizabeth
         watches, rapt.
         DR. VOGEL
         As you can see, the weight is evenly
         distributed and there's minimal scarring.
                        DANNI
                        (TAH DAH)
         Dr. Vogel.





         DR. VOGEL
         (holding out his hands)
         "Best Hands in Chicago."
                        ELIZABETH
         DR. VOGEL
         Absolutely. Take them for a spin.
         Elizabeth reaches out, squeezes Danni's breasts.
                        ELIZABETH
         Wow. And the nipples are just... I love
         them. I'll take two.
         They all laugh. Elizabeth notices Dr. Vogel'.s watch.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Maurice Lacroix. That's a great watch.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (CURIOUS)
         And how's that going?
         DR. VOGEL
         She's my rock.
                        (THEN)
         Alright, thanks, Danni.
         Danni puts her bra and blouse back on and exits.
         DR. VOGEL (CONT'D)
         So, Elizabeth, have you given any thought
         to size?
                        ELIZABETH
         I was thinking, you know, maybe a D.
         DR. VOGEL
         IJh huh, uh huh. I ,would say, though,
         with your frame, you might consider
         something smaller. A large B, maybe a C
         cup. You'd be surprised how significant
         those would look.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hmm. Yeah, I think I'll go with the D's,
         really turn some heads.





         23.
         DR. VOGEL
         You know, Elizabeth, breast enhancement's
         not a cure-all. I just want to make sure
         you have realistic expectations.
                        ELIZABETH
         Doctor, I lost my fiance to a woman with
         monster fake tits. So now I need monster
         fake tits so that I won't lose my next
         fiance. Those are my expectations. Is
         that realistic enough for you?
         DR. VOGEL
         Very good then.
         INT. DR. VOGEL'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - DAY
         Elizabeth leans over the counter and grabs a mint from a
         small bowl. Danni sits behind her desk wearing a headset.
                        DANNI
         So you'll be off your feet for about two
         weeks... what works for you?
                        ELIZABETH
         Let's do December 19th. Start of winter
         break.
                        DANNI
         The 19th it is. So the total is $9300
         for the surgery plus one night stay at
         our facility. How would you like to pay?
         Elizabeth laughs. Danni laughs.
                        ELIZABETH
         That's absurd. What if I don't spend the
         night at your facility?
                        DANNI
         The night's included in the price. Did
         you not read our literature?
                        ELIZABETH
         No.
         A MIDDLE-AGED DOCTOR walks by.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         (flirtatious, to doctor)
         Hi...
         (then, back to Danni)
         Listen, I'm a teacher, not a drug dealer.





         24.
                        DANNI
         We accept all major credit cards.
                        ELIZABETH
         My credit situation is complicated.
                        DANNI
         I'm sorry, but if you can't pay, I can't
         schedule the appointment.
                        (LEANING IN)
         You know, there are less expensive
         options. Have you looked into South
         America?
                        ELIZABETH
         I'll be back.
         Elizabeth dramatically scoops a handful of mints from the
         bowl and storms out.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
         Elizabeth, her cell phone cradled to her ear, pulls a
         LEAN CUISINE out of a freezer STOCKED with them.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (ON PHONE)
         Look, I just really need some money.
         It's, for a surgery I need.
         Elizabeth pokes holes in the Lean Cuisine with a knife
         and turns on the microwave.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (ON PHONE)
         Yes, as a matter of fact, it is about my
         breasts, dad.
                        (BEAT)
         Sorry. Happy belated birthday. So, can you
         wire me some money or not?
         EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT
         Elizabeth walks up a driveway and looks around.
                        ELIZABETH
         (on phone, whispering)
         So I won't beat around the bush, Grammy.
         She pulls the kitchen knife from her bag and SLASHES the
         back tire of a late-model CAMRY.





         25.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         (on phone, whispering)
         I'm dying and I need money for surgery.
         Really? Nothing? Don't you get social
         security or something?
         Elizabeth goes around to another tire. Slash.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - LATER
         Elizabeth is still on the phone. CLOSE ON her computer
         screen. Her checking account balance: $45.66.
                        ELIZABETH
         (into phone, losing patience)
         Listen, limpdick, you owe me for breaking
         off the engagement. Do you know how
         embarrassing that was?!
                        (BEAT)
         Lover, I don't want to fight. It's just
         10000 dollars and it would really mean
         the world to me. Lover? You there?
         Elizabeth hurls her phone at the wall. It smashes.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Fucking Troll!
         Kirk pokes his head out of his bedroom.
                        KIRK
         Did you call my name?
                        ELIZABETH
         No. I said 'fucking troll.'
                        KIRK
         Oh, I thought you said Kirk.
         He turns and heads back in to his room.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hey, you got ten grand?
                        KIRK
         Nope.
         Kirk closes his door. After a beat, he opens it.
                        KIRK (CONT'D)
         Also, I might be a little short on the
         rent this month. Like, a lot short.





         He closes his door. The microwave BEEPS. Dinner's ready.
         INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY
         Elizabeth and Lynn speak in hushed voices in the corner
         by a vending machine. Amy grades papers on a ratty-
         looking couch. She glances up at Elizabeth and Lynn.
                        LYNN
         I don't know. That's a lot of money.
                        ELIZABETH
         I know. And I hate asking a friend for
         money -- especially as good a friend as you.
         This has its desired effect on Lynn.
                        LYNN
         Maybe I could sell that jewelry my
         grandmother gave me?
                        ELIZABETH
         That turquoise crap? Blech. No one's
         buying that.
         (then, catching herself)
         But it looks great on you.
                        LYNN
         Thanks. What about Mark?
                        ELIZABETH
         What type of person do you think I am?!
         That assbag cheated on me. Did I ever
         tell you that he has a mole on the tip of
         his dick?
                        ELIZABETH
         I'm just trying to better myself. I
         don't think that's asking for so much.
         Amy walks over.
                        AMY
         'Scuse,me. Just gonna scooch in here.
         She drops quarters into the vending machine, but doesn't
         bother selecting an item. This was clearly her "in."
         She turns to Elizabeth and Lynn.





                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Sooo... I know it's none of my business,
         but I couldn't help but overhear your
         conversation and I just want to say, that
         you shouldn't change a thing. You should
         be happy with the way you are.
         That's true.
                        ELIZABETH
         Huh. Well, do you think mental retards
         should be happy with the way they are?
         Amy stammers.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Lynn, you teach them. What do you think?
                        LYNN
                        (CONSIDERING)
         I've never asked them.
                        AMY
         I would never --
                        ELIZABETH
         We don't all have your tits, Squirrel.
         So maybe you should think before you
         interrupt a private conversation.
                        AMY
         I guess that's what you get for trying to
         help...
         Amy pushes the coin release on the vending machine and
         takes back her change without getting a drink. Amy heads
         back to the couch.
                        ELIZABETH
         That's right. Walk away.
         (then, noticing)-
         There he is!
         Scott enters. All of the female teachers light up.
         There he is!
                        AMY
         Well, look what the cat dragged in!





                        SCOTT
         I wish it was under better circumstances.
         Stu Riley's car was vandalized last
         night. Right in his driveway.
                        AMY
         Gang members, probably.
                        SCOTT
                        (QUIET RESIGNATION)
         The public school system failed them.
         Elizabeth and Amy nod vigorously.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         An empty hallway.
         JOE CLARK (V.0.)
         So forget about the way it used to be.
         This is not a damn democracy! We are in
         a state of emergency and my word is law!
         There's only one boss around here, and
         that's me. The HNIC.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         The class is watching "Lean on Me," with Morgan Freeman as
         a tough-as-nails principal in an inner-city school. Amy's
         "Integrity" Poster now hangs above the TV.
         MR. O'MALLEY (ON TV)
         HNIC?
         MS. LEVIAS (ON TV)
         Head Nigger In Charge.
         The bell RINGS.
                        ELIZABETH
         We'll pick this up again tomorrow.
         The students shuffle out. Garrett hustles after Chase.
                        GARRETT
         Quite a film, huh?
         Chase gives him a weird look and then exits with her friends.
         Sasha lingers by Elizabeth's desk.





         29.
                        ELIZABETH
         (without looking up)
         What.
                        SASHA
         I'm a student leader for the D.C. trip --
                        ELIZABETH
         Shocker.
                        SASHA
         And we're having our car wash this
         weekend. If you're around, maybe we
         could wash your car.
                        ELIZABETH
         I've got some Mexicans who already do it
         for nothing.
                        SASHA
         It's for a good cause. This year, we're
         trying to get some extra money so that we
         can go on a Duck Tour!
         She hands Elizabeth a flyer. Elizabeth glances at it.
                        SASHA (CONT'D)
                        (SHRUGS)
         Last year's seventh grade raised $6000.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (SUDDENLY INTERESTED)
         $6000?
         INT. J.A.M.S. - ADMINISTRATION BULLPEN - DAY
         Elizabeth walks past the SCHOOL SECRETARY toward the
         Principal's office.
                        SCHOOL SECRETARY
         You can't go in there. He's with a
         student.
         Elizabeth ignores her, adjusts her blouse, and enters.
         INT. J.A.M.S. - PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - DAY
         The office is decorated with a DOLPHIN motif. Figurines,
         a picture of Principal Snur kissing a dolphin. Dolphin
         calendars. This guy loves dolphins.
         Principal Snur sits next to ARKADY, a small pale kid.





         30.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         If you don't like to get wet, Arkady, you
         could try using deodorant, anti-.
         perspirant, maybe some cologne. I know a
         lot of the older boys are wearing the
         body spray.
                        ARKADY
                        (BROKEN ENGLISH)
         Bodish spray.
         Elizabeth enters and immediately recoils from the smell.
                        ELIZABETH
         Blugh!
         Arkady and Principal Snur both look up. He holds up his
         finger -- "one minute." Elizabeth notices his cheap
         dolphin watch.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         So why don't you think about that and
         I'll let your teachers know that you're
         working on it?
         Arkady nods and quickly exits.
                        ELIZABETH
         Sorry, I didn't realize you were in with
         anyone.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         We were just finishing up. Elizabeth, I
         actually meant to talk to you. Did I
         hear that you were showing movies all
         last week?
                        ELIZABETH
         Um... some clips, maybe. I think in a lot,
         of ways, movies are the new books.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Huh.
         Elizabeth tries a different tact. She picks up a dolphin-
         shaped clock from the desk.
                        ELIZABETH
         Is this new? I love it! I think
         dolphins are smarter than humans.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Me too! And if you like that, you'll
         love this.





         31.
         Principal Snur pulls out an "Adopt-A-Dolphin"
         certificate.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT`D)
         He lives in the Cayman Islands.
                        ELIZABETH
         What a great story.
         Principal Snur visibly relaxes. He's sitting across from
         a kindred spirit.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         So what else is new?
                        ELIZABETH
         Actually, I was thinking that I want to
         get more involved.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         What a nice surprise.
                        ELIZABETH
         Specifically, I thought I could supervise
         the car wash.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Amy's been running it the last two years...
                        ELIZABETH
         She just does so much. It might be nice
         to give her a little rest. Especially
         that early on a Saturday.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         I'm so happy that you're dedicating
         yourself and becoming a real member of
         the JAMS family.
                        ELIZABETH
         It just feels so good to help.
         MATCH CUT TO:
         INT. J.A.M.S. - PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - DAY
         Amy stands in the door where Elizabeth was just standing.
         Principal Snur is behind his desk.
                        AMY
         Elizabeth?! For the seventh grade
         carwash? That's bonkers!





         32.
         Amy immediately regrets saying "bonkers."
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blow my stack.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         I just thought it was nice to see some
         other teachers step up.
                        AMY
         We raised over $6000 last year. That's a
         record. Is this really the best time to
         start experimenting?
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Amy, I see you taking on a.lot of
         responsibility, what with directing
         "Annie" and all your work with D.A.R.E.
         I'd just hate to see you get overwhelmed
         like you did in 2004.
         She stares at him -- clearly, this is a touchy subject.
                        AMY
         Of course. Well, I should skedaddle.
         Looks like someone needs to plan a
         Saturday morning bike ride.
         She turns on her heels and walks out.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAWN
         Elizabeth is asleep. Her ALARM goes off. It's 5:45 AM.
         She opens her eyes, sees the time, considers for a beat,
         then hits SNOOZE. She closes her eyes. - After a beat,
         the ALARM goes off again. She hits SNOOZE.
         Quick Cuts. Elizabeth hits the snooze button EVERY NINE
         MINUTES until 8:45. She stares at the clock.
         EXT. TEACHER'S PARKING LOT - MORNING
         Garrett stands at the school entrance, holding a giant
         cardboard sign that reads "CAR WASH" as a few CARS pull in.
         Chase, and the other popular girls, are dressed in
         seventh-grade sexy -- they've tied off their shirts.
         The BOYS run around spraying each other, but mostly
         spraying Garrett. Garrett laughs, mistakenly thinking
         that he's part of the fun.





                        GARRETT
         Oh, I'm gonna get you guys!
         A couple of PARENT CHAPERONES stand in small clusters.
         Tristan, the bully, cocks his arm and aims a soapy sponge
         at Garrett.
                        TRISTAN
                        (NOTICING SOMETHING)
         Whoa.
         The CAMERA FOLLOWS Tristan's gaze. ELIZABETH steps out
         of her car. She's wearing HIGH HEELS, DAISY DUKES and a
         BIKINI TOP. She looks both spectacular and ridiculous.
         A couple of PARENTS look over at Elizabeth, in shock.
                        ELIZABETH
         (calling to Parents)
         Sorry I'm late.
                        MOTHER
         (to other PARENTS)
         I'm going to say something about her
         outfit.
         The MOTHERS vigorously nod in agreement. A DAD pipes in.
                        DAD
         (staring hard at Elizabeth)
         Well, if it helps raise money...
         The other DADS vigorously nod in agreement.
         BEGIN CAR WASH MONTAGE:
         --Elizabeth holds the "Carwash" sign. A LINE of CARS
         forms. An OLDER MAN in an immaculately clean CADILLAC,
         rolls down his window and hands her money.
         --Elizabeth washes in SLO MO, shakes out her hair as she
         gets WET. The BOYS and their FATHERS stare at her.
         --The GIRLS try to mimic Elizabeth's seductive behavior.
         Their MOTHERS run over and pull them away.
         --The Older Man in the Cadillac comes back to have his
         car re-washed.
                        END MONTAGE





         34.
         EXT. TEACHER'S PARKING LOT - LATER
         The carwash is wrapping up. Elizabeth counts money at a
         makeshift table and puts the earnings into a metal
         lockbox. She glances around and then shoves a large
         clump of cash into her DAISY DUKES.
         VOICE (O.S.)
         What are you doing?
         Elizabeth looks up and sees Sasha hiding behind a TRUCK,
         clearly spying.
                        ELIZABETH
         Nothing. Get out of here, Dummy.
                        SASHA
         Are you stealing our money?
                        ELIZABETH
         How dare you?! I'm here early on a
         Saturday for you guys. And for the
         record, nobody likes a tattle tale.
                        SASHA
         I haven't tattled. Yet.
                        ELIZABETH
         Good. Cause if you do, I'll deny it and
         flunk your ass. How will that look on
         your resume?
                        SASHA
                        (TEARS UP)
         I didn't say I would say anything.
                        ELIZABETH
         Alright then. Now beat it. I've gotta
         finish counting this money.
         Sasha walks off. Elizabeth picks up a hose and sprays her.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         See you Monday!
         Elizabeth waves to SASHA'S MOTHER, who eagerly waves
         back.
                        ANGLE ON
         ANY, across the street, watching through binoculars.
         She's straddling her bike and is wearing a helmet and a
         sheen of recently-applied suntan lotion. She takes a sip
         from her Camelbak, and pedals away.





         35.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
         CLOSE ON a fish bowl with a crude sign that reads "New
         Tits." Elizabeth drops in fistfuls of crumpled cash and
         then writes in a notebook: $1300.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         Amy walks down the hall. She sees Principal Snur slip
         into the bathroom. Amy walks up to the MEN'S FACULTY
         BATHROOM door and waits. The BELL RINGS.
                        AMY
         Shishkebobs.
         She hesitates a beat and then enters.
         INT. J.A.M.S. - MEN'S FACULTY BATHROOM - DAY
         Wally is in a stall reading a brochure for a DOLPHIN TOUR.
                        PRINCIPAL:SNUR
                        (TO HIMSELF)
         Amazing.
         AMY (O.S.)
         Wally? Are you in here? It's Amy
         Squirrel.
         He instinctively covers himself with the brochure.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Amy? What are you doing? Get out!
                        INTERCUT WITH:
         Amy standing inside. She scrunches her nose at the smell.
                        AMY
         This'll just take a sec. I thought you
         might want to know that Elizabeth Halsey
         showed up at the carwash in a bikini top and
         short-shorts. It was pretty racy stuff.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
                        (THRU STALL)
         Can we talk about this later?
                        AMY
         (quoting some adage)
         "Later we'll all die, said the gator to
         the fly."





         36.
         Another TEACHER walks past Amy, looking confused. He
         hesitates and then goes into an adjoining stall.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Look, Josh Gershman's dad called and said
         that the carwash was a huge success. And
         Lauren Rissman's dad called and said the
         kids had a great time.
                        AMY
         I don't want to speak out of school, but
         I happened to be pedalling by and saw her
         get.pretty chummy with the money. ,And
         remember, we barely know anything about
         her. She was a real lone wolf last year.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling
         from the seventh grade car wash?
                        AMY
         Something about this doesn't pass the
         smell test, Wally.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Well, they raised over $7000, so whatever
         she did worked. And next time you accuse
         a fellow teacher of stealing, you better
         be damn sure. We're done here.
         Amy takes a deep breath. Her face is BEET RED.
                        AMY
         Thanks for the pep talk. Have a super
         day, you two.
         Amy exits. Immediately, there is an IMMENSE ERUPTION
         from the other stall, followed by a sigh.
         MALE TEACHER (O.S.)
                        (IN STALL)
         Christ... I thought she was never going
         to leave.
         INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY
         Sandy, the math teacher with the ponytail, sits at the
         table grading papers. Another TEACHER dozes in the corner.
                        ELIZABETH
         (entering, very friendly)
         Hey! Are those new Doc Marten's?





         Sandy looks behind him at the dozing teacher. "Is she
         talking to me?"
         Guilty.
                        ELIZABETH
         How's Period 5?
                        SANDY
         Great, thanks for asking. We got a new
         bassist and we finally got a regular gig,
         which is nice because it's earned. It's
         time to show the world that a bunch of
         teachers can really rock out.
                        ELIZABETH
         Awesome!
                        (THEN)
         Hey, would you mind grabbing me my yogurt
         from the fridge?
         Sure thing.
         Sandy goes to the fridge. Elizabeth pulls visine from
         her bag, and as his head goes into the fridge, she
         squirts the entire container into his coffee mug.
                        SANDY (CONT'D)
         You should come to one of our shows.
         He hands her the yogurt.
                        ELIZABETH
         Oh, I can't.
         Elizabeth exits. Sandy sadly takes a sip of his coffee.
                        SANDY
         I didn't even tell you the dates.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         Elizabeth's class is seated. They're staring at her,
         waiting for her to begin.
                        CHASE
         Are we starting "School Ties" today?
         Elizabeth holds up her finger while she finishes reading a
         NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.





         38.
         The camera ANGLES to show that she is studying a picture
         of a topless AFRICAN TRIBESWOMAN with large breasts.
         After a beat, Elizabeth looks up.
                        ELIZABETH
         Alright, today, we're starting "School
         Ties." Classic.
         (then, pointing to a Student)
         You, shut off the lights.
         Elizabeth goes to the DVD player. There's a knock at the
         door and the SCHOOL SECRETARY walks in holding a box.
         She hands it to a confused Elizabeth.
                        SCHOOL SECRETARY
         Here it is. Good luck.
                        ELIZABETH
         Here what is?
                        SCHOOL SECRETARY
         It's the pre-test for the state
         standardized test. It was in the memo.
                        ELIZABETH
         Oh, yes. In the memo.
         The Secretary leaves. Elizabeth stares at the box.
         Tristan and.a couple kids start making farting noises
         with their hands.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Hey. Zip it. Zip your shit.
                        (THEN)
         Alright, look, we all know these tests
         are gay --
         Elizabeth turns to a student who COULD BE GAY.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Hey.
         Elizabeth passes the box to the front of the class, where
         the kids dutifully take Scan-trons and test booklets.
         ELIZABETH.(CONT'D)
         (then, reading)
         According to this memo, I'm supposed to
         give you forty-five minutes per section.
         Blah blah blah. Clear your desks,
         pencils out and -- begin!
         Twenty-five pencils hit paper in unison.





         39.
         Elizabeth takes the TV and swivels it to face her desk.
         She turns on the movie, turns down the volume (just a
         little bit) and reclines.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY
         Chase and another popular girl strut across the
         cafeteria, arm in arm. A THIRD POPULAR GIRL, saving a
         table, waves them over.
         Chase and her friend walk right past the girl like she
         doesn't exist and take a seat with a bunch of other girls.
         ELIZABETH (O.S.)
                        (MARVELLING)
         Little bitches.
         TURN TO REVEAL
         Elizabeth and Lynn on lunch duty.
         The girl at the table starts BAWLING. Amy, also on duty,
         races over to console her.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         What a phony.
                        LYNN
         Major phony. But she also cares a lot, too.
                        (THEN)
         So what's going on with your boobs?
                        ELIZABETH
         Shit. Shit is going on with my boobs. I'm
         never gonna get married. I'm gonna die
         broke. I should just blow my brains out.
         (then, lighting up)
         There he is!
         Scott walks down the ramp and HIGH-FIVES a bunch of kids.
         He gives them a big wave.
                        LYNN
         I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.
                        ELIZABETH
         I want to sit on his face.
                        SCOTT
         Hey, guys.
                        ELIZABETH
         You're really making a habit out of this.





         40.
                        SCOTT
         Ha, yeah. Actually, Sandy Pinkus in the Math
         department, I guess he got that stomach bug
         that's been going around and I got the call.
                        LYNN
         I heard he pooped himself in first
         period. A kid had to walk him to the
         nurse.
                        ELIZABETH
         Lynn, would you mind grabbing me a milk?
         Elizabeth gives her a "can you get out of here?" look.
                        LYNN
         Scott, do you want anything?
                        SCOTT
         I'm good, thanks for asking.
         Lynn walks off.
                        ELIZABETH
         So, Scott --
         Lynn comes back.
                        LYNN
         Sorry, what kind of milk do you want?
         Skim? Whole? 2%? Chocolate?
                        ELIZABETH
         I don't know. Surprise me.
                        LYNN
         Okay, I'll get you skim. No, no, 2%.
         Lynn walks off again.
                        ELIZABETH
         She's funny.
         Elizabeth notices Amy looking at her as she continues to
         console the girl. Elizabeth turns back to Scott.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         So, Scott, I was thinking, I would love to
         hear about your experiences in the Peace
         Corps. I love Haiti. Maybe we could go
         grab a drink some night. Maybe tonight.
                        SCOTT
         Isn't it Back-to-School Night?





         41.
                        ELIZABETH
         (news to her)
         Yeah, Silly, I meant after.
                        SCOTT
         Cool! Let's get a group together.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, definitely! Or just the two of us.
         Scott looks around, then lowers his voice.
                        SCOTT
         Oh. Um, listen, I'm really flattered.
         You're one of the nicest people I've met
         here. But... I'm actually seeing
         someone.
                        ELIZABETH
         Oh?
                        SCOTT
         Yeah, we've been keeping it quiet.
                        ELIZABETH
         Because she's ugly?
                        SCOTT
         No. She's beautiful. She's great. She
         really cares about the kids. It's
         just... when you're dating a co-worker...
                        ELIZABETH
                        (REALIZING)
         Squirrel?
         Elizabeth whips around to see Amy, who's now sharing a
         frozen yogurt with the formerly bawling girl. Amy looks
         up, smiles and gives a thumbs up to Elizabeth and Scott,
         signalling that everything's okay with the girl. Elizabeth
         NOTICES Amy's LARGE BREASTS straining against her blouse.
         She quietly seethes.
                        SCOTT
         Anyways, thanks again for asking me out.
         I'm honored. And I'll take a raincheck
         on that group date. See ya!
         Scott crosses through the cafeteria. Lynn returns with a
         four cartons of milk.
                        LYNN
         Here you go. I got you one of each.





         42.
         Lynn hands them to Elizabeth, who takes them, drops them
         in the trash and storms off.
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT
         At night, under the stars, the SCHOOL looks peaceful, serene.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - NIGHT
         Elizabeth is up front. She's staring,at the PARENTS.
         They stare right back at her. It's awkwardly silent for
         a beat too long.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hi, my name's Elizabeth Halsey.
         Soooooo... Any questions?
         Sasha's Mother eagerly raises her hand. Elizabeth points
         to her.
                        SASHA'S MOTHER
         Hi, I'm Sasha's mother. We waved to each
         other at the carwash. I'm a little
         concerned with the importance you're
         placing on movies. What about the state
         test?
         Elizabeth points to her sign on the wall -- "Don't
         Question My Authority."
                        ELIZABETH
         That's exactly what I say to my students.
         Listen, I'm a good teacher. And the school
         hired me because I'm good at what I do.
         (as the parents take this in)
         And the reason your son loves my class is
         because I inspire him. Movies are one
         tool that I use. I also use other
         multimedia techniques, which I'm not
         going to get into right now. Look, I
         could take you day by day through my
         entire syllabus, but that's not how I do
         things. I'm not one of these stuffy
         teachers who's totally by the book. I
         talk to the kids like they're little
         adults. It's about mutual respect. So
         that's my spiel, as the Jews say.
                        (THEN)
         Help yourselves to some delicious snacks
         and drinks in the back. Class dismissed.
         They head to the back of the class. ANGLE ON





         A "refreshments" table. A lonely package of OREOS rests
         against a PITCHER OF TAP WATER.
         Elizabeth tries to sneak out the door, but is stopped by
         a sharply dressed PARENT.
                        PARENT #1
         Excuse me, Ms. Halsey.
                        (EXTENDING HAND)
         I'm Chris' dad.
         From Elizabeth's reaction, she clearly has no idea who
         Chris is.
                        ELIZABETH
         Chris... Great kid -- and precocious.
         You must be so proud.
                        CHRIS' DAD
         Oh, what a relief. I just wish his
         grades would reflect it.
                        ELIZABETH
         If I know Chris, he'll get there.
                        CHRIS' DAD
         Listen, I know you have a full plate, but
         if you could keep an eye on Chris, my
         wife and I would really appreciate it.
         Chris' dad shakes her hand. Elizabeth opens her hand,
         sees a tightly folded HUNDRED DOLLAR bill. She looks
         back up at Chris' dad.
         CHRIS' DAD (CONT'D)
                        (WINKING)
         For supplies. Or whatever.
         JUMP CUT TO:
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER
         Elizabeth stands with another set of parents. They're
         eating Oreos and sipping water.
                        ELIZABETH
         You're Chase's parents? Great kid -- and
         precocious. You must be so proud.
         The parents beam.





                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         A student like that would benefit so much
         from some extra attention.
                        CHASE'S MOM
         You think we should hire a tutor?
         (then, to Chase's Dad)
         I told you.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (CONSPIRATORIAL)
         I'd be happy to do it myself. It's just
         hard in a class of twenty-five.
                        CHASE'S MOM
         Oh, to be a teacher.
                        ELIZABETH
         It's just so hard, on my salary, having to
         pay for my supplies, my fiance cheated on
         me with his twin sister... and, unlike a
         lot of these other teachers, all I truly
         care about is helping your child learn.
         And as their personal tutor, I guarantee a
         full grade higher -- or your money back.
         Chase's mom takes out her check book.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Make it out to "cash."
         JUMP-.CUT TO:
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - LATER
         Parents are leaving the class, ad-libbing "thank.you's."
         Another SET OF PARENTS surreptitiously hand Elizabeth
         some cash.
         A Bohemian mother, MELODY, wearing a beret, lingers behind.
                        MELODY
         Excuse me, Ms. Halsey. I just wanted to
         introduce myself. I'm Melody. Garrett's
         mom.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (EYEING BERET)
         Nice to meet you... Garrett's a great kid
         -- and precocious. You must be so proud.





         45.
                        MELODY
         Oh, you're referring to his poetry.
         Thank you.
                        ELIZABETH
         You must be so proud.
                        MELODY
         I am. So so so so so proud. So proud.
                        ELIZABETH
         A kid like that, if I could just give some
         more one on one time, he would just blossom.
                        MELODY
         I'm so happy to hear you say that.
         would really benefit from that.
                        ELIZABETH
         Unfortunately, in a class of twenty-
         five...
                        MELODY
         Ugh. Class sizes are ridiculous.
                        ELIZABETH
         And with the amount they pay teachers...
                        MELODY
         Thank god you love what you do.
                        ELIZABETH
         I guess what I'm getting at is, maybe you
         could help out by giving me a little --
         you know -- somethin somethin.
         Elizabeth offers her hand, palm up. Melody stares back
         at her blankly.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         It's just, it's really tough to teach the
         way that I want to teach when there's so
         little money. I mean, look at this place.
                        MELODY
         You know what I'm going to do for you?
         Melody opens her pocketbook. Elizabeth smiles.
                        MELODY (CONT'D)
         I am going to start a letter-writing
         campaign to the school board, to my
         congressman, to the mayor -- and keep
         writing until you get what you deserve.





         She opens her date book and writes herself a note.
                        MELODY (CONT'D)
         And I'm writing myself a reminder!
         Melody pulls Elizabeth into a warm hug.
                        MELODY (CONT'D)
         You are a saint.
         Melody exits. Elizabeth is left in the classroom by
         herself.
                        ELIZABETH
         So long, Crazy.
         As Elizabeth pulls out the CASH she just made, we hear
         the opening beats of COOLIO'S "GANGSTER'S PARADISE."
                        CUT TO:
         INT. J.A.M.S. - ADMINISTRATION BULLPEN - DAY
         The SONG continues. Elizabeth pokes her head in. The
         office is empty. She walks in, grabs the "Lost and
         Found" box and exits.
         INT. THRIFT STORE - DAY
         The SONG continues. Elizabeth stands across from a
         HIPPIE-LOOKING GIRL. The pile of "Lost and Found"
         clothes are laid out on the counter. The Hippie Girl
         hands Elizabeth some cash.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
         The SONG continues as Elizabeth throws more money in her
         "New Tits" jar and enters a new amount into her notebook.
         The new balance: $1473.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         "Gangster's Paradise" CONTINUES and we see that the class
         is now watching "Dangerous Minds" with Michelle Pfeiffer
         as a tough-as-nails teacher in an inner-city school.





         INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - SAME
         The SONG continues as Amy, in her empty classroom, stands
         against the adjoining wall, her ear pressed to it.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - ANOTHER DAY
         The SONG continues. The class is still watching
         "Dangerous Minds." There's some NOISE in the hall.
         Elizabeth PAUSES the movie, STOPPING the song. She leans
         into the hall.
                        ELIZABETH
         Enough with the commotion!
         The hallway goes silent. She comes back in and UNPAUSES
         the movie. The SONG comes back on.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         The SONG continues as the hallway fills with excited
         kids, who race down the hall and talk animatedly with
         friends. Elizabeth pushes through the center.
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY
         The SONG continues. Elizabeth sits in her car. She lights
         a joint with the cigarette lighter and deeply inhales.
         KNOCK KNOCK! The SONG abruptly ENDS.
         Elizabeth jumps. She turns to her window, sees Sasha,
         bundled in her winter coat, waving.
                        ELIZABETH
         (through the window)
         What do you want?
         Sasha motions for her to roll down the window. Elizabeth
         doesn't.
                        SASHA
         Is that marijuana?
                        ELIZABETH
         It is. But it's medicinal. Doctor gave
         it to me. Not that it's any of your
         business.





         48.
                        SASHA
         Oh, okay. Feel better.
                        (THEN)
         My mom and I made you holiday cookies. Here.
         Sasha pulls out a tupperware container.
                        ELIZABETH
         (peering through window)
         Are those oatmeal raisin?
                        SASHA
         Sugar.
         Elizabeth considers, then manually rolls down the window
         a crack. She grabs the container and quickly closes her
         window. Elizabeth starts eating a cookie.
                        ELIZABETH
         You have anything to drink?
         Sasha shakes her head.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Word to the wise: stop dressing like
         you're running for congress.
                        SASHA
         I don't want to run for congress. I want
         to be president.
                        ELIZABETH
         See? That's what I'm talking about.
         Keep saying stuff like that, you're gonna
         get punched. You really want to be
         President or is that what your parents
         tell to be?
         Sasha shrugs.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         You don't have to decide right now. Who
         knows? Maybe you wake up one day and
         decide that you love giving massages and
         you want to be a masseuse. Salary plus
         tips. Think about it.
                        SASHA
         If I think about it, will I get extra
         credit?
                        ELIZABETH
         (shakes her head)
         Hopeless. Watch your feet.





         49.
         Elizabeth reverses. Sasha jumps away from the car.
         Elizabeth peels out, passing the school marquee that
         reads, "Happy Holidays, Jammers! See you in '09!"
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY
         Elizabeth rolls over. It's 3:40 PM. She yawns and gets
         out of bed.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - DAY
         QUICK CUTS. Elizabeth opens her refrigerator. Nothing
         except ketchup packets, mustard packets and soy sauce
         packets.
         She reaches for her bong and tries lighting it. Once.
         Twice. She shakes the lighter. No luck.
         She carries the bong to the stove, turns on the stove,
         and tries lighting it from there. No luck.
                        ELIZABETH
         Seriously?
         EXT. LIQUOR STORE - AFTERNOON
         Elizabeth walks up to the door. It's locked. She shakes
         the door.
                        ELIZABETH
         Seriously?
         She sees a HOMELESS GUY leaning against the storefront.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Why's the store closed?
         The Homeless Guy looks at her strangely.
                        HOMELESS GUY
         It's Christmas.
                        ELIZABETH
         Seriously?
         Elizabeth looks around. The streets are empty. Not a
         person in sight.
                        HOMELESS GUY
         Merry Christmas!





                        ELIZABETH
         Whatever.
         (then, stops)
         Hey, you got a lighter?
                        HOMELESS GUY
         I don't smoke. It's bad for you.
         Elizabeth walks back to her car, empty-handed. A MINI-
         VAN passes. Stops. Reverses..
         The window rolls down. It's Garrett and his Mom.
                        GARRETT
         Ms. Halsey! Hey, it's me, Garrett!
                        MELODY
         Merry Christmas, Ms. Halsey!
                        ELIZABETH
                        MELODY
         Having a nice Christmas?
                        ELIZABETH
                        MELODY
         What are you doing the rest of the day?
         Going to see your family?
                        ELIZABETH
                        (UNCONVINCING)
         I'm probably going to meet up with some
         people. We're having a big potluck, so...
         Elizabeth-shuffles her feet.
                        MELODY
         Ms. Halsey.
         (then, extremely maternal)
         Elizabeth. Would you like to have
         Christmas with us?





         INT. GARRETT'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY
         Cozy and unpretentious. Filled with crafts. Elizabeth sits
         next to Melody and across from Garrett, who's wearing his
         "Gymnastics" sweatshirt, and his TWO AUNTS, both divorced.
         Elizabeth tears through a plate of Christmas cuisine.
                        MELODY
         This is a real treat for Garrett. He doesn't
         have a lot of friends come by the house.
                        ELIZABETH
         I find that hard to believe.
                        (CHECKS WATCH)
         Listen, I hate to eat and run, but I've
         gotta head over to the shelter.
                        GARRETT
         I thought we could play board games!
                        AUNT #1
         A shelter. That is so inspiring.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, I love helping bums.
                        MELODY
         Oh, but you have to wait for dessert. We
         have a real treat.
                        ELIZABETH
         If it's cheesecake, I'll stay.
                        MELODY
         It's even better than cheesecake!
                        (THEN)
         Garrett, why don't you run and get some
         of your new poetry?
                        GARRETT
         (feigning. embarrassment)
         Oh god, no one wants to hear it. Oh god,
         I'm so embarrassed!
                        MELODY
         Don't be shy, Marbles.
         Garrett runs out of the room.
                        ELIZABETH
         If you're not really serving dessert, I'm
         gonna have to get going.





                        MELODY
         One poem? If you like it, maybe you can
         read it to your homeless friends.
         INT. GARRETT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
         Garrett stands in front of Elizabeth and his family. He
         opens his journal, clears his throat, and begins.
                        GARRETT
         This is called "The Chase," by Garrett
         Tiara.
                        (READING)
         XOXO /My love for you is XOXO/
         Her hair is long and straight / Isn't it
         great? / About her smile / That I would
         walk a mile for / About her personality /
         That makes me see the best in me / And at
         night when we sleep / Our souls locked in
         deep / So that when we sleep / We can
         stop pretending / And embrace our
         beautiful ending.
         Melody applauds. The Aunts join in. Elizabeth claps,
         then gets up to go. Garrett shakes them all off.
                        ELIZABETH
         She sits back down.
                        GARRETT
         We'll dance our dance / We'll revel in
         romance perchance / One glance / One dance
         / Because together we can achieve...
         (really reaching for it)
         Ba-lance... Thank you.
         He closes his journal. Everyone applauds. Melody looks
         to Elizabeth for a reaction.
                        ELIZABETH
         Junior likes to rhyme.





         53.
                        MELODY
         Patty, Nancy, why don't you give me a
         hand with dessert -- give them a chance
         to talk about the poem.
         The women exit, leaving Garrett and Elizabeth.
                        ELIZABETH
         So your poem's about that girl?
                        GARRETT
         Chase, yeah. You got the subtext.
                        ELIZABETH
         Can I give you some advice?
                        GARRETT
         Please.
                        ELIZABETH
         Number one, stop writing poetry. Two:
         stop reading it. And three: don't set
         your sights so high. I mean, she's
         really hot. If I were you, I'd try for
         that chubby girl that sits up front --
         the one with the teeth?
         Elizabeth puts her hands to show teeth going off in
         different directions.
                        GARRETT
         But I like Chase.
                        ELIZABETH
         Not gonna happen. Look, I was that hot
         girl. Hotter, even. And I never would
         have gone out with a kid like you. And
         I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm
         saying it to be helpful.
                        GARRETT
         What do you know? You don't-even know
         our names.
                        ELIZABETH
         I'll tell you what I know: a kid who
         wears the same "Gymnastics" sweatshirt
         three days a week isn't getting laid
         until he's 26. That's what I know.
                        GARRETT
                        (EMOTIONAL)
         This sweatshirt was my dad's. It's all
         he left when he left.





         54.
                        ELIZABETH
         Well, there's a reason he didn't pack it.
                        GARRETT
         (quiet, steely)
         Fuck you.
         Elizabeth pats Garrett on the shoulder.
                        ELIZABETH
         Good luck being a loser. Thank your mom
         for dinner.
         Elizabeth heads for the door.
                        GARRETT
         Happy New Year. Are you spending that
         alone, too, or do you want my mom to
         invite you over?
         She gives him the finger over her shoulder and leaves.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         The students, many tanned, many with braids in their hair
         from their winter vacations, silently stare at Elizabeth.
         She looks haggard. She pulls out a bottle of cough syrup
         and takes a long swig.
         The kids look at each other, like "what is she doing?"
         Elizabeth lets out a lame, fake cough.
                        ELIZABETH
         Shut up.
         INT. WOMEN'S FACULTY BATHROOM - DAY
         Elizabeth is-checking her makeup in the mirror. Lynn
         enters. Her blouse has a healthy serving of vomit on it.
                        LYNN
         Hey, welcome back.
                        ELIZABETH
         What is that, vomit?
         Lynn grabs some towels and blots at the stain..
                        LYNN
         Yeah, and a little blood. The kids had
         too much sugar.
                        (MORE)





         55.
                        LYNN (CONT'D)
         Anyways, a bunch of us are going out
         tonight to see Period 5 play. Do you
         want to come?
                        ELIZABETH
         Ugh. No.
         Elizabeth heads out. Lynn, still blotting, follows her.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
         Elizabeth and Lynn bump into Scott.
                        SCOTT
         Hey, guys. Are you coming to 'In
         Cahoots' tonight? My band's doing a few
         songs. Could be fun.
                        ELIZABETH
         Um, yes! That sounds like a party.
         (then, to Lynn)
         Lynn, do you want to come?
                        LYNN
         Yes.
                        SCOTT
         We'll all grab a drink!
                        ELIZABETH
         Great. I need to get drunk. I mean, not
         drunk drunk. But a strong buzz. Still
         be able to drive home.
                        SCOTT
         (high fives her)
         Now we're cooking with grease!
                        CUT TO:
         EXT. IN CAHOOTS BAR & GRILL - NIGHT
         We hear the familiar riff of Shawn Mullin's "Lullaby."
                        CUT TO:
         INT. IN CAHOOTS BAR & GRILL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
         Scott, Sandy (with his hair down), a BALDING BASS PLAYER
         with a yarmulke and a HEAVY-SET DRUMMER, are playing
         their hearts out. This is PERIOD 5.





         56.
         Amy, and a couple other teachers are front and_center,
         grooving to the music. Amy sways with her eyes closed.
                        SANDY
                        (SINGING)
         Everything's gonna be alright /
         rockabye...
         Scott joins in, harmonizing.
                        SCOTT
         Rockabye, rockabye...
                        SANDY SCOTT
         Bye, bye... Bye, bye...
                        ANGLE ON
         Elizabeth and Lynn at the bar.
                        LYNN
         Aren't they terrific?
         Elizabeth eye-fucks Scott. She catches his eye and he
         quickly smiles before nervously turning his attention to
         Amy. Elizabeth watches Amy dance in SLO M0, her BREASTS
         bouncing up and down.
                        ELIZABETH
         (staring at Amy's breasts)
         They're perfect.
                        LYNN
         You should hear some of their originals.
         She turns to the bartender.
                        ELIZABETH
         Two more.
         (then, to Lynn)
         You want anything?
                        LYNN
         No thanks... You know, I was thinking
         that if you still need that money, you
         should.try and go for the bonus. Can't
         hurt.
                        ELIZABETH
         What bonus?
                        LYNN
         For the state test.
         (off Elizabeth's look)
                        (MORE)





         57.
                        LYNN (CONT'D)
         Whichever teacher has the highest scoring
         class gets a bonus. We talk about it all
         the time in the faculty meetings.
                        ELIZABETH
         How much?
                        LYNN
         $5700. Could be good, right?
                        (THEN)
         Let's dance!
         Lynn runs out onto the dance floor and joins Amy.
                        DRUMMER
                        (COUNTING OFF)
         1, 2, 3, 4...
                        SANDY
                        (SINGING "SMOOTH")
         Man it's a hot one / like seven inches
         from the midday sun...
         Amy kicks her shoes off, and starts dancing. Lynn
         follows suit.
          Elizabeth throws back her drink and exits.
                         CUT TO:
         INT. J.A.M.S. - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAWN
         The sun is breaking.
         INT. AMY'S CAR - SAME
         Amy listens to NPR as she pulls into the empty parking
         lot. Suddenly, she SLAMS on her brakes.
         ELIZABETH'S CAR is already there. Amy puts her car in
         park and gets out. She walks over to Elizabeth's car and
         feels the hood.
                        AMY
         Cold.
         INT. J.A.M.S. - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
         The clicking of Amy's shoes ECHO through the empty hallway.
         She stops, takes off her shoes. She pitter-patters down
         the hall to Elizabeth's classroom and PEERS in.





         58.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - SAME
         Elizabeth is at the chalkboard, intently writing
         questions. She senses something in her periphery and
         looks over at her window. Nothing.
         Elizabeth goes back to work.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - LATER
         Elizabeth waits in the doorway impatiently as the kids
         filter in. Garrett brings up the rear, rolling his
         backpack into class.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO GARRETT)
         Let's go, Sylvia Plath.
         Garrett rolls his backpack over Elizabeth's shoe..
         Elizabeth winces and glares at Garrett.
         The rest of the class enters, stops, noticing WORK
         PACKETS on each of their desks.
                        CHASE
                        (LOOKING AROUND)
         Where's the TV?
                        ELIZABETH
                        (ALL BUSINESS)
         Everyone, take your seats.
         Shawn turns to Spencer.
                        SHAWN
         What do you think's going on?
         Spencer shrugs.
                        ELIZABETH
         Come on, come on. We have a lot to cover
         so sit down.
         The class, still confused, quickly take their seats.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Alright then. Now. Open your To'Kill A
         Mockingbird to page one.
         The kids slowly take out their books. We HEAR the
         distinct sound of twenty-five book spines cracking as
         they're opened for the first time.





                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         (checking her notes)
         Good. Now, who can tell me why Jem cries
         when the hole in the tree is filled with
         cement? Anyone?
                        GARRETT
         Because she's a cry baby.
         The kids chuckle. Chase looks back at Garrett.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO GARRETT)
         Get out.
         Garrett clicks up the handle on his bag and heads for the
         door.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         We're here to learn. Anyone else have a
         problem with that? Good. So who has the
         answer to my question?
         Everyone looks down.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Nobody's read this book? It's on the
         syllabus.
                        SASHA
         (raising hand and answering)
         You never assigned it to us.
                        ELIZABETH
         Well, now I am. And we're having a quiz
         tomorrow.
         Panic.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         On the first hundred pages.
         PANDEMONIUM.
                        SASHA
         You can't do that! I have band and jazz
         band tonight!
                        SHAWN
         We haven't had homework all year!





                        ELIZABETH
         Hey! Zip your shit! We've fallen
         behind, and honestly, your practice tests
         scores sucked balls -- which was
         embarrassing to me both on a personal
         level and as an educator.
                        (BEAT)
         Things are about to change. Recess is
         over.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
         Elizabeth reads To Kill a mockingbird and highlights like
         crazy. She stops, takes a hit from her bong, and
         continues.
         Her roommate, Kirk, enters through the front door,
         sipping from a Big Gulp.
                        ELIZABETH
         Did you get my Cool Ranch?
         He tosses her a bag of chips.
                        KIRK
         You owe me two bucks..
         Kirk walks into his room and closes the door.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         Elizabeth paces. She has a book of stickers in her hand.
                        ELIZABETH
         Okay, now, what is the significance of
         the Mockingbird in the novel? What was
         Harper Lee trying to tell us?
         No one raises their hand.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE)
         Come on, you guys know this.
         This is as close to real teaching as we've seen from
         Elizabeth. Sasha raises her hand. We see that she
         already has two gold star stickers on her forehead.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         (rolls her eyes)
         Anyone else?





         Chase raises her hand.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        CHASE
         It's a symbol for, um, equality?
         Elizabeth puts a sticker on Chase's forehead.
                        ELIZABETH
         Okay, good. Can anyone add to what that
         girl said?
         JUMP CUT TO:
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - ANOTHER DAY
         The desks have been arranged into a makeshift courtroom.
         Spencer presides as the judge. Chase and Shawn are the
         prosecutors. Garrett is dressed like Boo Radley. Tristan,
         the bully, addresses the rest of the class -- the "jury."
         Everyone is clearly into the exercise.
         REVEAL Principal Snur, clad in a dolphin tie, watching from
         the back of the class.
                        TRISTAN
         Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, you've
         heard the "facts," but come on, you know
         me. I'm Atticus Finch, baby!
         The class laughs.
                        TRISTAN (CONT'D)
         Come on, seriously. You're gonna side
         with Chase and Shawn over me?
                        ELIZABETH
         Use examples from the book.
                        SPENCER
         It doesn't matter what race the defendant
         is. You've just gotta look at the facts-.
         Elizabeth nods in agreement. The bell RINGS.
                        ELIZABETH
         Good work today. And don't forget to
         leave your closing statements on my desk.





         The students all dutifully drop off their papers, placing
         them in a neat stack next to other ungraded PAPERS.
         Principal Snur exits, giving Elizabeth a thumbs up.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (CALLING AFTER)
         Love the tie!
         INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY
         Scott and Amy share a bag of trail mix. Sandy reads a
         Jerry Garcia biography. Lynn grades. papers.
                        AMY
         So, you know how I hate to gossip, but I
         heard that one of the custodians walked
         in on Omar -- you know, that Arabic boy --
         giving...
                        (WHISPERS)
         Oral sex to Matty Feldstein after swim
         practice in the boy's locker room.
                        SANDY
         It just starts younger and younger.
                        LYNN
                        (EARNEST)
         It's nice to finally see the Jews and the
         Arabs getting along.
         Elizabeth enters. Scott looks up and smiles.
                        SCOTT
         Hey, Ms. Halsey.
                        AMY
         Your shirt's mis-buttoned. Her shirt's
         mis-buttoned.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (LOOKING DOWN)
         Oh shit. Hold on.
         Elizabeth turns away from them and starts rebuttoning.
         Sandy tries to sneak a peek. Scott shoots him a dirty
         look. Sandy gives an innocent shrug.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         (grabs yogurt from fridge)
         I've just been such a mess the last few
         days. Working myself to the bone.





         63.
                        AMY
         Yeah, it's been quite a change.
         SCOTT.
         Well, I think it's great. Some teachers
         just sail by, doing the bare minimum.
         It's good to know there are still some
         actual educators out there.
         Elizabeth smiles for Scott, like, "You get me."
                        ELIZABETH
         Well, I should get going. Nice seeing
         all of you.
         Amy and Elizabeth smile thinly at one another. Elizabeth
         squeezes Scott's shoulder as she exits. Amy notices.
                        SCOTT
                        (RE ELIZABETH)
         What a good egg.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - LATER
         Amy and Sasha sit in the empty auditorium. Sasha is
         dressed as LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE, including the RED WIG."
         Student STAGEHANDS construct a set.
                        AMY
         What else, Sasha?
                        SASHA
         I don't know. I told you about the car
         wash money.
                        AMY
         I can't prove that. What else?
                        SASHA
         I think I've told you everything.
                        AMY
         And no more movies in class?
                        SASHA
         No, we're actually learning. Did you
         know that Animal Farm isn't even really
         about animals --
                        AMY
                        (SNAPPING)
         Animal Farm?! That's not even on the
         syllabus!
                        (MORE)





         64.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         (then, collecting herself)
         I know you're forgetting something. Do you
         want extra credit on your diorama or not?
                        SASHA
         I want it! Let me think... Oh there
         was... never mind.
                        AMY
         What?
                        SASHA
         It was okay. It was medicinal.
                        AMY
         Wait. Hold your horses. What was
         medicinal?
                        SASHA
         Ms. Halsey was smoking in her car, but
         she told me her doctor prescribed it.
                        AMY
                        (TO HERSELF)
         Holy guacamole.
                        CUT TO:
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         SLO MO. Two scary-looking GERMAN SHEPHERDS, their teeth
         bared, pull two POLICE OFFICERS down the hall.
                        POLICE OFFICER #1
         (to German Shepherd, coaxing)
         Come on, Axel, what do you smell, boy?
         The Police Officers continue the search. They lead the
         dogs up against lockers and knock on class doors.
         Amy and Principal Snur watch from the end of the hallway.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
                        (TO AMY)
         You better be right about this -- or I'm
         going to be getting a lot of panicked
         calls from parents.
                        AMY
         Trust me, Wally. My kids in D.A.R.E.
         tell me everything and there are drugs in
         this school. And not just the students.
         Some of the female teachers.





         65.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY
         The class is split up into mini-sections of four desks
         each. The students are quietly and dutifully working.
         As Elizabeth reads papers and grades them, we HEAR the
         various student's voices.
         TRISTAN (V.0.)
         Atticus Finch is a good lawer because
         he's a good person whose a layer.
         Elizabeth looks at Tristan. As she writes, we HEAR --
         ELIZABETH (V.0.)
         Proofread.
         JUMP CUT TO:
         QUICK CUTS. Elizabeth grades another paper. She's
         growing more agitated and is now feverishly writing.
         ELIZABETH (V.0.) (CONT'D)
         Wrong!!!
         ELIZABETH (V.0.) (CONT'D)
         Is this English?
         ELIZABETH (V.0.) (CONT'D)
         Are you fucking kidding me?
         Elizabeth crosses out with one line, so it's
         clearly visible beneath. From out in the hallway, we
         HEAR the loud, aggressive BARKING of the DOGS. Tristan
         runs to the door and peeks out.
                        SPENCER
         Whoa. Drug dogs. Cool.
                        ELIZABETH
         Sit down.
         Elizabeth races to the window.
                        ELIZABETH'S POV
         The Police officers and the dogs enter the classroom next
         to hers. Elizabeth glances back at her pocketbook.
                         ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
          (under her breath)
         Balls.
         She races back to her desk.





         66.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D
         Keep reading.
         Elizabeth takes her seat and leans under her desk,
         obscuring her from her class. She opens her pocketbook
         and pulls out a CIGARETTE CASE. She pops it open and we
         SEE three neatly rolled JOINTS.
         Without hesitation, Elizabeth POPS the first one into her
         mouth and starts chewing vigorously. As she. makes her
         way through the second and then the third, the chewing
         becomes slower and the BARKING becomes louder and louder.
         Elizabeth starts CHOKING as the door opens and the Police
         Officer and the German Shepherd enter, followed by
         Principal Snur and Amy.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Elizabeth, sorry to bother you. This
         will only take a second.
         Elizabeth,. still choking, digs into her purse. She grabs
         her cough syrup and takes a huge swig. Elizabeth wipes
         her mouth, breathes normally.
                        ELIZABETH
         Sorry. I had something caught in my
         throat.
         The German Shepherd continues barking.
                        POLICE OFFICER #1
         What is it, Axel? Where is it, boy?
         The Dog comes bounding at Elizabeth. Elizabeth's eyes go
         wide. Amy licks her lips. The Dog sideswipes Elizabeth,
         almost knocking her over, and jumps onto Garrett.
                        GARRETT
         Ahhh!!!
         The'Police Officer starts rummaging through Garrett's bag
         and pulls out an opened bag of CORN CHIPS.
                        POLICE OFFICER #1
         (holding up Corn Chips)
         All clear. Dog must've responded to
         these. Happens.
         Elizabeth glares at Amy -- "I know you were behind this."
         Amy glares back.
         Principal Snur looks at Amy and shakes his head.





                        AMY
         (grasping at straws, to Garrett)
         Even though that wasn't drugs, junk food
         is still contraband. That's detention,
         Buster.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Enough, Amy. I think it's time we call
         off this witch-hunt.
                        ELIZABETH
         (pointedly to Amy)
         Thank you, Principal Snur. Now if you'll
         excuse me, my class has a state test to
         prepare for.
         Principal Snur, Amy and the Police Officer exit.
         Elizabeth slumps down into her chair, and all at once,
         the combination of WEED and COUGH SYRUP HITS HER.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Whoa.
                        CHASE
         Are you okay, Ms. Halsey?
         Elizabeth takes a long beat before answering.
                        ELIZABETH
         Class dismissed.
                        SASHA
         But the bell didn't ring.
                        ELIZABETH
         Get out of my face.
         (then, to Garrett)
         And leave the corn chips.
         The class uncertainly gathers their things and heads out.
         From outside Elizabeth's window, we SEE the SCHOOL BUSSES
         idling curbside. Elizabeth stares at the papers she
         still needs to grade. The papers stare back at her.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         (to no one)
         But first, a nap.
                        DISSOLVE TO:





         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - NIGHT
         Elizabeth is asleep at her desk. She wakes with a jolt.
         A paper is stuck to her face.
         She looks again at the stack of work, then at the pile of
         things she's already corrected. There's FOUR.
                        ELIZABETH
         Balls!
         She knocks the stack of ungraded papers to the ground.
         After a beat, she collects herself, goes to pick the,
         papers off the floor. As she starts tossing them into
         the trash, something catches her eye: a PRACTICE TEST
         MANUAL. And in the corner, an address:
                        54 LAKEVIEW STREET
         Peoria Il, 61602
                         ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Huh.
         Elizabeth tears off the corner and pockets it.
         ELIZABETH (PRE-LAP) (CONT'D)
         Hey, it's Elizabeth Halsey...
         I/E. ELIZABETH'S CAR - DAY
         Elizabeth is driving down the highway and smoking a joint.
         ELIZABETH (V.0.)
         Unfortunately, I can't make it in today.
         My grandmother took a turn for the worse
         and it looks like she's dead.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         The kids are laughing and engaged. TURN TO REVEAL SCOTT,
         dressed in overalls and a straw hat with a piece of hay
         in his mouth, animatedly teaching. He's holding a copy
         of "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer."
         ELIZABETH (V.0.)
         Yeah. So I'm off to the funeral. Wish
         me luck.





         EXT. SIGMA NU - MOMENTS LATER
         Elizabeth knocks on the door. A buff, shirtless guy in a
         backwards hat opens it. He likes what he sees.
                        FRAT GUY
         Hi there.
                        ELIZABETH
         Is Tucker here?
                        FRAT GUY
                        (DISAPPOINTED)
         Yeah, hold on. T-baaaaag! Someone's
         here.
         (then, back to Elizabeth)
         So you coming to our "CEOs and Corporate
         Ho's" party tonight?
         Elizabeth just stares at the Frat Guy. He turns away.
         Tucker, dressed identically to the Frat Guy but twenty
         pounds overweight, hustles down the stairs. He has a
         tattoo of intertwined teabags around his bicep.
                        TUCKER
         INT. SIGMA NU - TUCKER'S BEDROOM - DAY
         Tucker sits on his bed. Elizabeth leans against a desk,
         unwilling to sit down on anything in his disgusting room.
         BOB MARLEY plays softly.
                        TUCKER
         Do you ever talk to my brother?
                        ELIZABETH
         No. He dumped me, remember?
                        TUCKER
         You and my brother always had the
         histrionics.
                        (THEN)
         So, do you want to come to our party
         tonight? "CEOs and Corporate Ho's?"
         We're kinda light on Ho's.
                        ELIZABETH
         Like I told "Frat Guy #1," I'm not
         interested.





                        TUCKER
         Then what's up?
                        ELIZABETH
         I need some date rape drugs.
                        TUCKER
         (hurt, defensive)
         Two things. Number one: who do you think
         I am? Yeah, I like to party and yeah,
         I'm in an awesome frat, but that really
         hurts. And two: they're not "date rape"
         drugs. It's called GHB -- and it's for
         weightlifting. It helps build mass,
         okay? Why do you even want it?
                        ELIZABETH
                        (DEADPAN)
         For lifting.
                        (THEN)
         I have money and I'm in a rush.
         She takes out a wad of cash.
                        TUCKER
         That's all you needed to say. No need to
         get all histrionic on me.
         Tucker walks over to a chest, opens it, and takes out a
         small lockbox. He unlocks it and takes out a small
         bottle containing a clear liquid.
                        TUCKER (CONT'D)
         One capful makes you feel really good.
         Two capfuls will knock her out for a
         couple hours. You don't want to take any
         more than two.
         Elizabeth hands him some cash. He hands her the jar and
         then gives her a big, warm hug.
                        TUCKER (CONT'D)
         Listen, I know you and my brother aren't
         together anymore, but I still think of
         you as a sister, okay?
                        ELIZABETH
         Get your hand off my ass.
                        TUCKER
         Sorry, didn't even know I put it down
         there. Good luck with your lifting.





         71.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CAR - DAY
         As Elizabeth drives, we HEAR a phone RINGING.
         WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
         I.S.A.T. How can I direct your call?
         ELIZABETH (O.S.)
         Hi, my name is Marjorie Goodman and I'm
         calling from the Chicago Tribune. Who
         could I speak to regarding allegations of
         racial bias on your standardized tests?
         A beat.
         WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
         Please hold.
         INT. T.G.I.FRIDAY'S - NIGHT
         A portly, unkempt man in a cheap suit, CARL HALABI,
         nervously walks through the hotel bar. He sees the back
         of a WOMAN with a RED PERM.
                        CARL
         Marjorie?
         "Marjorie" turns and we SEE that it's actually ELIZABETH,
         wearing the "Little Orphan Annie" wig. She's sipping a
         cocktail.
                        ELIZABETH
         You must be Carl.
         His face lights up, excited to be in the company of such
         an attractive woman. Elizabeth stands and extends her
         hand. Carl notices Elizabeth's very short skirt.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Thanks for meeting me on such short
         notice.
         Elizabeth motions for him to sit down.
                        CARL
                        (NERVOUS)
         You find the place alright? Good drive?
                        ELIZABETH
         Great drive. I love downstate Illinois.
                        CARL
         First time to Peoria?





         72.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hmm mmm.
                        CARL
         A lot of people don't know this, but it's
         the largest city on the Illinois River.
                        ELIZABETH
         Wow. I did not know that.
                        CARL
         Yup yup. And it was actually founded
         before Chicago.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hello, Jeopardy! Have you ever
         auditioned?
                        CARL
         (enjoying the compliment)
         No. I should, I should. Definitely
         thought about it.
                        ELIZABETH
         Listen, I'd love to sit here and chat
         with you all night.
                        CARL
         Yeah...
                        ELIZABETH
         But I'm sure you're a very busy man, so
         I'll get right down to it.
                        (THEN)
         I've spoken to various, um, black citizens
         who are alleging that your tests are
         biased towards white people and Orientals.
                        CARL
         (shakes head in frustration)
         You can't use my name, okay?
                        ELIZABETH
         No problem.
                        CARL
         Like I told you on the phone, every couple
         of years, we get calls from all over the
         state with these cockamamie charges. You
         should hear what they call me. And I'm
         not a racist. I voted for Obama.
         (motioning for her to write)
         That, you can quote me on.





         73.
                        ELIZABETH
         Oh, right.
         Elizabeth takes out a notebook and pen and starts jotting
         down notes.
                        CARL
         Look, Marjorie, I know my tests aren't
         perfect. But what's the alternative? I'm
         all for free thinking and creativity, but
         how do you formulate an education budget
         without hard numbers from one of my tests?
                        ELIZABETH
         You don't need to convince me. But you
         know what would help, Carl? For me to
         see one of this year's tests.
                        CARL
         No problem at all.
         Elizabeth lights up.
                        CARL (CONT'D)
         I'll send you one the day after the
         schools administer them.
                        ELIZABETH
         I'd really love to see it sooner. I'm on
         a bit of a deadline.
                        CARL
         I wish I could, but unfortunately, you
         need one of these bad boys.
         Carl holds up a lanyard with a STATE ID CARD and some
         keys attached.
                        ELIZABETH
         Ooh, you look like you're CIA. Listen, I
         totally get it. Enough business for one night.
                        (THEN)
         I'm gonna have another drink before I hit
         the road. What's your poison?
                        CARL
         My poison is the white devil. Wine.
         White wine.
                        ELIZABETH
         Fantastic.
         (then, to Bartender)
         One white wine, one tequila sunrise, and
         two shots of tequila.





         74.
         INT. T.G.I.FRIDAY'S - LATER
         Carl is a little tipsy and slurring his words. Elizabeth
         seems to be fine.
                        CARL
         You know, Marjorie, this is the best
         night I've had in a longtime.
                        ELIZABETH
         Well, that makes two of us.
         Elizabeth gives Carl "fuck me" eyes. He nervously sips
         his drink.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         What turns you on, Carl?
                        CARL
         Everything.
                        ELIZABETH
         You know what turns me on, Carl?
         He giggles nervously.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (WHISPERS)
         Sex in an office. Getting fucked really,
         really hard against a wooden desk.
                        CARL
                        (SWALLOWS)
         Mine's metal.
                        ELIZABETH
         Even better.
         INT. ILLINOIS STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - NIGHT
         Carl flips on the fluorescent lights and they flicker on,
         like dominoes across the ceiling. They enter his office
         and Carl awkwardly leans against the metal desk.
                        CARL
         (gesturing, as promised)
         So this is the desk.
                        ELIZABETH
         Do you have anything to drink?
         Carl goes to a mini-fridge and pulls out an already
         opened bottle of white wine.





         75.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         White wine in the office. You're a bad
         boy.
         Carl pours a glass. Elizabeth swigs from the bottle.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Do you have any music?
                        CARL
         Um... I could put on some internet radio.
         Carl goes to fiddle with his computer. Elizabeth quickly
         reaches into her purse and pulls out the bottle of GHB.
         She pours a little into Carl's wine. And then a little
         bit more. As he turns around, she hands him the glass.
                        ELIZABETH
         A toast. To new friends.
                        CARL
         To new lovers.
         CLINK. Carl downs his glass.
                        CARL (CONT'D)
                        (NERVOUS)
         I'm gonna take off my shoes. Is that okay?
                        ELIZABETH
         Whatever, man. I'm gonna hit the lady's
         room.
                        CARL
         K, first door on your right. Don't be
         long.
         Carl starts carefully clearing everything off of his desk.
         INT. STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
         Elizabeth waits in the bathroom. Yawns. Checks her watch.
         INT. STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - LATER
         She walks back in. Carl looks woozy. The only thing
         keeping him from passing out is the prospect of seeing
         Elizabeth naked.
                        CARL
                        (SLURRING)
         I wanna fug ya agains dis desk.





         76.
                        ELIZABETH
         Easy, Cowboy.
         Carl stumbles towards her. Elizabeth deftly moves around
         the desk and exits into the bullpen.
                        CARL
         Marblorie!
                        ELIZABETH
         (as to a child)
         Carl, I'm gonna need you to pass the fuck out.
         Carl smiles as he feebly chases after her. He. stops at
         the photocopier, steadies himself momentarily and then
         passes out, STILL STANDING.
         Elizabeth grabs the lanyard from Carl's neck and heads back
         into his office. She goes over to the filing cabinets,
         unlocks it with one of the keys, and starts rifling. She
         pulls out a folder.
         2009 ILLINOIS STANDARDIZED TEST
                         ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         And bingo was his name-o.
         She walks over to the photocopier and pushes Carl over. He
         collapses on the ground -- out cold. She copies the test and
         puts it back and grabs a stack of scantrons from a shelf.
         She takes a post-it, scribbles something and sticks it to
         his forehead. As Elizabeth exits, the camera PUSHES IN:
         "You were AMAZING. Love, Marjorie."
                        CUT TO:
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - MORNING
         Elizabeth stares at the clock. 8:59... 8:59.
                        ELIZABETH
         Okay, go.
         The students open their test books and start. Twenty-
         five pencils hit paper in unison.
                        DISSOLVE TO:
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - LATER
         Elizabeth stares at the clock. 10:59... 10:59.





                        ELIZABETH
         Okay, pencils down.
         A couple of groans. A couple of frantic moves to fill in
         more scantron bubbles.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Come on, come on. It doesn't even
         matter. Bring your tests up.
         The students dutifully place their tests into a neat
         stack on the corner of Elizabeth's desk and exit.
         Elizabeth waits for all the kids to leave and then slides
         all of the exams into the trash. She pulls out a match
         and lights the exams on fire.
         She then reaches into her bag and pulls out a new stack
         of completed exams. She places the new exams into an
         official-looking folder and exits.
                        DISSOLVE TO:
         CHYRON: 2 WEEKS LATER
         Principal Snur is on stage. All the teachers sit in the
         first few rows. Amy stands at her seat.
                        AMY
         If anyone has any information regarding
         the whereabouts of the missing "Annie"
         wig, please let me know ASAP. Because if
         that wig isn't found, you can bet your
         bottom dollar the "sun will not come out
         tomorrow." Back to you, Wally.
         Amy sits. Principal Snur addresses the teachers.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Thanks, Amy. Um, okay, I'm sure everyone
         wants to go home, so I'll be quick.
                        SANDY
                        (PIPING UP)
         Fourscore and seven years ago...
         Scattered laughter. Elizabeth rolls her eyes.





                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         (holding up file)
         So I have here the results of the state
         exam -- and I'm happy to announce that
         John Adams Middle School had the fifth
         highest scores in the state.
         The Teachers applaud.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         And I want to single out one of our own,
         who showed that with hard work and
         dedication, one person can make a
         difference. She makes me proud to be her
         boss and she's now $5700 richer. With
         the highest scores in the county -- yes,
         you heard me right, in the county ---I
         want everyone to please give a hand to --
                        AMY
         (to random teacher)
         Oh boy, third year in a row. This is
         starting to get embarrassing.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Elizabeth Halsey!
         Elizabeth leans over to Amy, who's sitting beside her.
                        ELIZABETH
         This is unexpected.
         All of the color drains from Amy's face as Elizabeth
         stands and waves at the crowd.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         Teachers are exiting the auditorium. Scott catches up to
         Elizabeth, who's marvelling at the bonus check.
                        SCOTT
         Hey, if it isn't Professor Smartypants.
         Scott playfully punches her shoulder. Elizabeth
         playfully punches him back.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (FLIRTY)
         Better not mess with me. I'm a lot
         stronger than I look.





         79.
                        SCOTT
                        (LAUGHS)
         So what are you gonna do with your new-
         found riches?
                        ELIZABETH
         Something big. Maybe two big things.
         Amy walks up and gives Elizabeth a big, fake hug.
                        AMY
         Hey! Ism so proud of you. If someone
         told me at the beginning of the year that
         you -- you! -- would get the bonus, I
         would've said to whomever it was, 'you
         must be joshing me.' And now, here we
         are. Here we are.
                        SCOTT
         We should go out and celebrate.
         (joking, to Elizabeth)
         Your treat?
                        AMY
         What a good, fun idea. Unfortunately,
         Scott and I have to go over the itinerary
         for the D.C. trip. We're the chaperones.
         We're going together.
         (then, quiet to Elizabeth)
         We're dating, so it'll also be romantic.
         You're not dating anyone now, right?
                        ELIZABETH
         I've got my eye on someone, but he's
         dating a major cunt.
         (then, to Scott)
         Pardon my French.
                        SCOTT
         No, she sounds terrible.
                        ELIZABETH
         She is.
                        AMY
         Well then. Scott, we should skedaddle.
         Those itineraries won't schedule
         themselves.
         Amy and Scott head off. Scott turns around.
                        SCOTT
         Rain check on those drinks.





                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO HERSELF)
         You can bet on it.
         INT. DR. VOGEL'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - DAY
         Danni, the receptionist, uncrumples a BALL OF CRUMPLED CASH
         and counts it. Elizabeth taps her fingers impatiently.
                        DANNI
         Almost done. We don't normally deal with
         cash here. At the doctor's office.
         Elizabeth slides the bonus check across the desk.
                        ELIZABETH
         And this is endorsed. And the rest you
         can put on these.
         Elizabeth slides four credit cards across the desk. The
         MIDDLE-AGED DOCTOR from earlier walks by.
                        DANNI
                        (TO ELIZABETH)
         And when would you like to come in?
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO DOCTOR)
                        MIDDLE-AGED DOCTOR
         Hi.
         He goes into his office. Elizabeth turns back to Danni.
                        DANNI
         And when would you like to come in?
                        ELIZABETH
         Today. Tomorrow. As soon as possible.
         Danni checks her calendar.
                        DANNI
         A week from tomorrow, then?
                        ELIZABETH
         Book it.
         Danni slides Elizabeth a packet of literature.





                        DANNI
         We have a 48 hour cancellation policy.
         Anything after that, you'll be charged
         50% the cost of the surgery -- unless
         there are extenuating circumstances.
                        ELIZABETH
         I wouldn't miss it for the world.
         Elizabeth pulls her shirt away from her body and looks
         down at her breasts.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         So long, suckers.
         EXT. J.A.M.S. - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAWN
         The lot is empty except for Elizabeth's car.
         INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         Elizabeth enters and pulls latex gloves from her bag.
         She snaps them on. She takes a seat at Amy's desk and
         pulls an apple from her bag.
         Then she pulls out POISON IVY. She rubs the apple with
         the poison ivy leaves and then carefully places it in the
         center of the desk. Elizabeth smiles.
         INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - LATER
         Amy's class is seated. Amy enters and heads for her desk.
         She notices the apple and smiles at her class, touched.
         Thank you.
         The class stares back at her blankly.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Who did this?
         No response from the class.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Oh come on. Nobody wants an extra
         sticker on their all-star board?
         Amy presses the apple to her ear.





                        AMY (CONT'D)
         (muppet voice, to apple)
         Who brought you to me?
         Amy places the apple up to her ear.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
                        (MUPPET VOICE)
         What's that, Mr. Apple? You want me to
         take a bite? Alrighty-roo.
         Amy takes a bite of the apple and then addresses the class.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Enough horsin' around, let's get started.
         JUMP CUT TO:
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY
         A LUXURY BUS idles curbside. Parents see off their kids.
         Scott and Elizabeth are checking kids in. Principal Snur
         walks up.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         All set?
                        SCOTT
         I think we're good.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Elizabeth, thanks again for hopping in
         last minute. You really saved us.
                        ELIZABETH
         Is Amy going to be okay?
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         She'll be fine. But to be honest, I
         think she was scaring some of the kids.
                        ELIZABETH
         I bet, I bet. Well, let her know she's
         in my thoughts.
                        ANGLE ON
         Amy watching from outside her car. One side of her face
         is completely blistered, scaly and red from the POISON
         IVY. The kids have every reason to be scared by her.
         She gets into her car and slams the door.





                        AMY
         (banging on steering wheel)
         Fudge! Fudge! Fudge! Fuuuuuck--dge!
         INT. LUXURY BUS - DAY
         Kids sing BUS SONGS. Elizabeth and Scott sit up front.
                        KIDS
                        (SINGING)
         Hey, Sasha!
         Hey, Sasha!
                        SASHA
         I think I hear it again!
                        KIDS
         You're wanted on the telephone!
                        SASHA
                        (POINTING)
         If it's not Chase, then I'm not home!
         Chase rolls her eyes. Up front, Scott and Elizabeth sit
         next to one another and share ipod buds.
                        ELIZABETH
         (nodding to the beat)
         You guys are amazing. Period 5 is
         definitely going to make it.
         Scott smiles wide. Garrett walks up the aisle. He looks
         at Elizabeth, then turns to Scott.
                        GARRETT
         Mr. Delacourte, do you think we could go
         to the poetry museum?
                        SCOTT
         Oh, um, I don't know, Champ, um --
         Scott looks to Elizabeth, like "please help."





                        ELIZABETH
         (to Garrett, supersweet)
         Oh, honey, I bet everyone would just love
         to walk around and look at all the poetry
         on the walls, but unfortunately, the
         itinerary's really tight.
                        GARRETT
         Why are you talking like that?
                        ELIZABETH
         Just go sit down, sweetie.
         Garrett gives her an annoyed look and then heads back to
         his seat. Scott smiles at Elizabeth.
                        SCOTT
         Wow, you are such a natural.
                        ELIZABETH
         When you love what you do, it comes easy.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - NIGHT
         A splotchy-faced Amy trudges down the hallway. She
         passes Elizabeth's room, stops, walks back to the door
         and peers in. She looks down the hallway -- it's empty.
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
         Amy rifles through Elizabeth's desk. She opens the top
         drawer. Just pens and paper. She tries the bottom
         drawer. Locked.
         Shishkebabs!
         INT. EMPTY HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
         Amy drags ELIZABETH'S DESK across the hallway into her
         room. It's a slow, difficult and loud process.
         INT. EMPTY HALLWAY - LATER
         Amy, sweating, now drags HER OWN DESK across the.hallway
         into Elizabeth's room. She stops to catch her breath.
                        CUT TO:





         85.
         INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY
         Amy watches as the MAINTENANCE GUY sorts through his keys
         and tries to unlocks the desk.
                        AMY
         (nervous, too loud)
         I never lose my keys!
                        MAINTENANCE GUY
         What's wrong with your face?
                        AMY
         What's wrong with your face?!?!
                        MAINTENANCE GUY
         Just making conversation.
         He finds the right key and opens the desk.
         MAINTENANCE GUY (CONT'D)
         All set.
                        AMY
         (buying it back)
         Super! Thanks a bunch, Amos!
         The Maintenance Man exits.
         Amy immediately opens the desk and rummages through it.
         She pulls out the "Annie" wig.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Busted.
         She pulls out a test booklet. There's a piece ripped out
         from the front page. Amy's eyes narrow. She runs to the
         floor, where she has neat stacks of what used to be in
         her desk. She finds her test booklet and compares the
         two, clocking the I.S.A.T. address.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Looks like somebody's in big, big
         trouble.
         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY
         To establish.
         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - SMITHSONIAN - DAY
         Elizabeth and Scott stand with the kids in the lobby area.





         86.
                        SCOTT
         Alright, guys, count-off.
         The students begin their count-off.
                        STUDENT #1
         1.
                        SASHA
         2!
                        STUDENT #3
         3.
                        TRISTAN
         69.
         He bumps knuckles with his friend.
                        GARRETT
         5.
         As the students continue counting off, we
                        CUT TO:
         D.C. Montage:
         --Elizabeth and Scott walk with the kids through
         ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY. Elizabeth snaps her gum.
         --Elizabeth, Scott and the kids follow a TOUR GUIDE
         through the WHITE HOUSE. Elizabeth takes the gum from
         her mouth and looks for a place to toss it. She doesn't
         see a trash can and quickly sticks it to the bottom of an
         antique table.
         --Chase has Elizabeth take a "Charlie's Angels" posed
         picture of her and her minions. Elizabeth takes the picture
         before they're fully posed and hands the camera back.
         END MONTAGE.
         INT. ILLINOIS STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - DAY
         Amy, her face still covered in the rash, sits across from
         Carl Halabi, the administrator that Elizabeth roofied.
         Carl is staring at a photo of Elizabeth.
                        CARL
         She changed her hair. Is Marjorie in
         some kind of trouble?





         87.
                        AMY
         I think you're the one that might be in
         some kind of trouble! Did you or did you
         not give her a copy of the state test?
                        CARL
         What?! No!
                        (THEN)
         All I did was give her a couple of quotes
         ,for her article and that's it.
                        AMY
         What article?
                        CARL
         For the Tribune. She's a reporter there.
         Right?
         Amy's eyes go wide.
                        CUT TO:
         EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
         Amy's car ZOOMS past the camera.
         INT. AMY'S CAR - DAY
         Amy's drives, her hands at 10 and 2. CLOSE ON the
          speedometer as the needle hovers between 55 and 56 mph.
         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - JEFFERSON MEMORIAL - DAY
         The students take pictures. Garrett walks up to chase.
                        GARRETT
         Hey, you want me to take your picture?
                        CHASE
         No.
                        GARRETT
         Alright, well let me know. I've got my
         camera and my battery's fully charged.
         She turns away.
                         GARRETT (CONT'D)
         Awesome.
                        ANGLE ON





         88.
         .Scott, who stares up at the memorial and looks choked up.
         Elizabeth walks up behind him eating a fruit roll-up.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (OFFERING)
         Fruit roll-up?
                        SCOTT
                        (RE JEFFERSON)
         I'm so conflicted about this man. Did
         you know that he had slaves?
         Elizabeth tries to dislodge a piece of the fruit roll-up
         from the back of her mouth with her tongue.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, everyone knows that.
                        SCOTT
         I just hate slavery so, so much. An
         unquestionable evil. I hate it.
         Elizabeth continues struggling with the fruit.
                        ELIZABETH
         Slavery's the worst.
                        SCOTT
         If I could go back in time and undo
         slavery, I would.
         Elizabeth gives him a sideways glance, like "no shit."
                        ELIZABETH
         You really hate slavery, huh?
                        SCOTT
         I hate it.
         Elizabeth finally dislodges the chunk of fruit roll-up.
                        ELIZABETH
         (re fruit roll-up)
         Got it.
                        SCOTT
         (staring straight ahead)
         You get it.
         Scott squeezes Elizabeth's shoulder.
                        SCOTT (CONT'D)
         Thanks for listening.





         89.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hey, I want you to know you can talk to
         me about anything. Slavery, the
         Holocaust, relationships.
         Scott smiles. Elizabeth smiles. They lock eyes -- a
         moment.
         INT. PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - DAY
         Principal Snur squeezes a dolphin-shaped stress ball that
         chirps like a dolphin with every squeeze. Amy sits
         across from him, trying to contain her glee.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         (shaking his head)
         Test-tampering. Here? At J.A.M.S.?
                        AMY
         And like I said, she stole the wig. I
         think we're dealing with a criminal
         master-mind.
                        (BEAT)
         Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Wally.
         You know how much we all like her.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         I know. It's a tragedy. But Amy, let's
         keep this between us. The last thing we
         need is a scandal on our hands.
                        AMY
         You betcha.
         (gets up to go, turns)
         You know what scares me the most? This
         is just what we know. This could be the
         tip of the iceberg. Who knows what else
         she's capable of?
         INT. RADISSON HOTEL - HALLWAY - NIGHT
         The CAMERA is tight on a hotel room door. The faint
         thumping of hotel sex can be heard.
         INT. RADISSON HOTEL - SCOTT'S ROOM - NIGHT
         Elizabeth and Scott are dry-humping, FULLY CLOTHED except
         for their shoes and socks.
                        SCOTT
         Oh my gosh, your body feels so good.





         90.
                        ELIZABETH
         Harder, harder.
         Elizabeth tries pulling off her shirt. Scott pulls it
         back down.
                        SCOTT
         Oh my gosh, I'm dry-humping the shit out
         of you.
                        ELIZABETH
         Erg. Dry fuck the fuck out of me.
                        SCOTT
         Oh my gosh, I'm so close... I'm... pfft.
         Ugh.
         Scott rolls off of Elizabeth and exhales deeply. There's
         a wet spot on his jeans.
                        SCOTT (CONT'D)
         That was a mistake.
                        ELIZABETH
         That was fast.
                        SCOTT
         I know, I'm sorry. But this isn't me. And I.
         know this isn't you. I'm in love with Amy.
                        ELIZABETH
         But we're so good together. We both hate
         slavery, we both love teaching. And call
         me crazy, but I always imagined us
         spending summers at your family's compound
         in Hyannisport.
                        SCOTT
         I know. And you're awesome and you have a
         huge heart and I love your empathy. It's
         just, when I was dry-humping you, I couldn't
         stop thinking about dry-humping Any.
                        ELIZABETH
         It's because of my tits, isn't it? Well,
         I'm getting new ones in, like, two days.
         Don't make a decision until you see them.
                        SCOTT
         Elizabeth, I think you're beautiful just
         the way you are, even with your flat chest.
         And I think Amy's beautiful. But I just
         have to do what's right. I made Amy a
         promise.





         91.
         Scott holds up his hand, showing off a PROMISE RING.
                        ELIZABETH
         What're you -- 13?
         Elizabeth angrily gets up and pulls on her socks.
                        SCOTT
         Wait, Elizabeth. Don't go. Spend the night
         here with me. You can sleep on the other bed.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (FAKE EXCITEMENT)
         Ooh, like a slumber party? I'm leaving. And
         for the record, your band sucks, asstard.
         Elizabeth opens the room door and exits. She tries slamming
         the door, but it's on a spring so it closes very, very slowly.
         EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY
         The kids listen to a TOUR GUIDE on the steps of the
         memorial. Garrett sneaks furtive glances at Chase.
         Elizabeth stands away from the group, on her cell.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (ON PHONE)
         Wally. Why would I cheat? If I'm guilty
         of anything, it's teaching too hard.
         Great... I've got nothing to hide.
         She ends the call.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Fuck!
         Scott, wearing a Thomas Jefferson souvenir T-shirt, and
         all of the students look over at Elizabeth.
         ELIZABETH.(CONT'D)
         What?!
         The Tour Guide looks around uncertainly before continuing.
                        TOUR GUIDE
         And does anyone know what Abraham
         Lincoln's nickname was?
         Sasha's hand shoots up.
                        SASHA
         Honest Abe.





         92.
                        TOUR GUIDE
         "Honest Abe", that's right. Because
         Lincoln always said what was on his mind,
         even if that meant being unpopular.
         Abraham Lincoln always showed great
         courage.
         Garrett takes this in. He looks over at Chase and then,
         after a beat, raises his hand.
         TOUR GUIDE (CONT'D)
         Yes?
                        GARRETT
         I love Chase Streeter-Rossi.
         All eyes turn to Garrett. Chase looks mortified.
                        TOUR GUIDE
         Okay then. Any other questions?
                        GARRETT
         (presses, turns to Chase)
         I love you, Chase. I've always loved
         you. And even though you pretty much
         stopped talking to me in fifth grade, I
         don't care. I remember the Chase that
         wrote me a card when my dad was
         overweight and had to go to the hospital
         because of his heart --
                        SASHA
         That was from the whole class.
                        GARRETT
         Shut up, Sasha, I'm talking about a
         different card.
                        (CONTINUING)
         And then, a year later, when he left my
         mom and moved in with his trainer, you
         wrote me another card. What happened to
         us? Remember when we had a sleepover in
         the second grade and you wet your bed and
         you were so embarrassed and you made me
         promise not to ever tell anyone. Well, I
         never did and I never will. I know we're
         really young, but remember Romeo and
         Juliet were only 13. A lot of people
         don't know that. So there it is. My
         heart on a sleeve.
         (goes into rhyming verse)
         Don't let me leave / Always believe /
         A beat. Chase stares at Garrett.





         93.
                        CHASE
         Gross.
         Chase's friends all start laughing. The rest of the
         class joins in. Garrett runs down the steps, away from
         everyone.
                        SCOTT
         Alright, guys, let's settle down.
         The Tour Guide looks around, uncertain.
                        TOUR GUIDE
                        (POINTING)
         And these columns here are Doric columns.
         Now let's move inside to see the interior
         murals painted by Jules Guerin.
         The Tour Guide leads the group inside. Elizabeth looks
         back and sees Garrett on the steps, his head in his
         hands. She rolls her eyes and walks down to him.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hey, Abe Lincoln, get up. Tour's not
         over.
                        GARRETT
                        (UPSET)
         She just laughed at me. Called me gross.
                        ELIZABETH
         You'll get over it. Get up.
                        GARRETT
         I'm not going back. Leave me alone!
                        ELIZABETH
         Now.
                        GARRETT
         No!
         Garrett runs off.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hey, come back here you little --
         Elizabeth starts running after him in heels. She
         immediately breaks a heel.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        MOTHER --
         She breaks the other heel.





                         ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Fucker.
         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY
          The students stand by their bus. Scott addresses them.
                        SCOTT
         Who had a good time in D.C.?
         The students let out a cheer.
         SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D)
         Who ate too many french fries at lunch?
         The students let out another cheer.
         SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D)
         Alright, let's do our final count-off.
                        STUDENT #1
                        SASHA
                        STUDENT #3
                        TRISTAN
         A beat.
                        STUDENT #6
         6.
                        STUDENT #7
         7.
         ,SCOTT
         Wait, wait. Where's 5? Who's 5?
         Everyone looks around.
                        SASHA
         I think it's Garrett Tiara.
                        SCOTT
         Garrett! Garrett!
         Nothing. Scott looks around, stricken.





         SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D)
         And where's Ms. Halsey?
         Nothing.
         SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D)
         Alright, everyone on the bus!
                        CUT TO:
         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - STREET - LATER
         Elizabeth searches for Garrett.
                        ELIZABETH
         Garrett! Garrett!
         Her cell phone RINGS. She checks the caller ID: "HOT
         SCOTT." She puts the phone back in her purse.
         INT. LUXURY BUS - LATER
         The kids are getting restless. A lot of singing. A lot
         of horsing around.
                        KIDS
                        (CHANTING)
         Let's go home! Let's go home!
         Scott sits up front by the driver. He's on his cell.
                        SCOTT
                        (FRANTIC )
         I'm freaking out here. They've been
         missing over two hours. I'm just a
         substitute!
         (then, to kids)
         Shut up!!!
         The chanting immediately stops.
                        INTERCUT WITH:
         INT. AMY'S APARTMENT - DAY
         Amy, the phone cradled to her ear, leans back on her
         couch. She's wearing splotches of calamine lotion over
         her rash and her hair is pulled back. A TURTLE plods
         across her kitchen table.





         96.
                        AMY
                        (WHEELS SPINNING)
         Oh my gosh. We just might have a Mary
         Kay Letourneau situation on our hands.
         Amy scratches the turtle's neck as it continues across
         the table.
                        SCOTT
         I don't know. You think?
                        AMY
         I know. The woman's a criminal
         mastermind.
                        SCOTT
         This is such a mess.
                        AMY
         What I need from you is to focus and get
         our kids home safe. I'll take care of
         everything here.
                        SCOTT
         Thanks, Amy. You're a lifesaver.
                        AMY
         It's what I do. Love you, Scooter.
         She hangs up the phone and cockily kicks her feet onto
         the table, accidentally knocking the turtle to the floor.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Oh boy.
         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NIGHT
         We're no longer in the tourist areas. A STRAY DOG walks
         down the middle of the street. SIRENS WAIL. PROSTITUTES
         hail Johns with catcalls. Elizabeth, still in her broken
         heels, walks down the gritty street. -
                        ELIZABETH
                        (CALLING)
         Garrett! Garrett!
         Her phone RINGS. She checks the CALLER ID -- "HOT SCOTT."
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
                        (ANSWERING PHONE)
         I'm looking for him! Stop fucking
         calling me!





         She powers her phone off and continues down the street.
         She passes two PROSTITUTES.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Hey, guys. Hi. I'm looking for a young
         kid, about 13. Really annoying, kind of
         a cry baby. Have you seen him?
                        PROSTITUTE #1
         Fuck you.
                        ELIZABETH
         Fantastic.
                        PROSTITUTE #2
         You best step off, bitch, because this is
         my block. This here's Poetry's block.
                        ELIZABETH
         Poetry?
                        PROSTITUTE #1
         Cause that's how she fuck.
                        PROSTITUTE #2
         I fuck like that. Lyrical.
         Something occurs to Elizabeth. She smiles.
                        ELIZABETH
         Thank you, Poetry. And Poetry's friend.
         Elizabeth walks off and sticks out her hand, trying to
         hail a cab. She passes a bunch of HOMELESS MEN warming
         up by a trash can fire.
                        HOMELESS MAN #1
         Won't get a cab in this neighborhood.
         A CAR slows next to Elizabeth. A JOHN rolls down the
         passenger window and leans out.
                        JOHN
         Hey, sweetheart. How much for a titty
         fuck?
                        ELIZABETH
         I need a ride.
                        JOHN
         Oh yeah, I need a ride, too. Right
         through those titties.





                        ELIZABETH
         No, I need a ride. Like you driving, and
         me pointing mace at your face. I'll give
         you ten bucks.
                        JOHN
                        (A BEAT)
         This is weird. Twenty.
         Elizabeth hops in.
                        CUT TO:
         EXT. J.A.M.S. - TEACHER'S PARKING LOT - NIGHT
         MIDNIGHT. PARENTS are waiting. A few console Garrett's
         mom, Melody. A few LOCAL NEWS VANS idle nearby.
                        SPENCER'S MOM
                        (TO MELODY)
         He's gonna be alright. The police will
         find him. I'm sure they're back at the
         hotel. Probably just a mix-up.
         The bus pulls up to the curb and stops. Scott steps off
         first, clearly confused by the crowd and TV cameras.
         Immediately, a reporter thrusts a mic into his face.
                        REPORTER
         What can you. tell us about the alleged
         romance between Elizabeth Halsey and a 13
         year old student?
                        SCOTT
                        (CONFUSED)
         What?
         The students step off and the Parents swarm them.
                        PARENT #1
         Oh baby, are you okay? Did she touch
         you?
         Sasha's parents engulf her in a hug.
                        SASHA'S MOTHER
         Oh Sasha!
         (then, to Sasha's Dad)
         You expect this stuff to happen in
         Florida, not here.





         EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - OFFICE OF THE POET LAUREATE - NIGHT
         Garrett walks up to a drab building where he sees
         Elizabeth on the curb waiting for him. There's a tiny
         sign that reads "Office of the Poet Laureate."
                        ELIZABETH
         It's closed. Won't be open till morning.
         Come on. Let's get back to the hotel.
         I'm sure everyone's mad at you.
         Garrett stands his ground.
                        GARRETT
         I'm not leaving without talking to the
         poet laureate.
                        ELIZABETH
         Do you think that some Shel Silverstein
         wannabe is going to tell you the meaning
         of life?
                        GARRETT
         What do you care?
                        ELIZABETH
         I'm here, right?
                        GARRETT
         You have to be here. You're a teacher.
                        ELIZABETH
         Not for long. I'm getting fired for
         cheating as soon as we get back.
         Garrett takes a seat next to Elizabeth.
                        GARRETT
         So. you came looking for me on your own?
                        ELIZABETH
         Yup.
         (holds up her shoes)
         And you owe me a new pair of
         Nanette Lepores.
                        GARRETT
         I just want to know what to say to Chase
         to get her to like me.
                        ELIZABETH
         You know what you should do?





         What?
                        ELIZABETH
         Just go out and sleep with as many girls,
         as you possibly can. Get her out of your
         head.
                        GARRETT
         They'll probably reject me, too.
                        ELIZABETH
         Yeah, probably. But life's about how you
         deal with rejection. You can either hide
         in a corner and cry or you can get
         stronger every time. And I figure a kid
         like you with not much going for him --
         if he were to choose the latter -- might
         end up becoming a pretty strong man.
                        GARRETT
                        (TOUCHED)
         Thanks.
                        ELIZABETH
         Now come on, let's get out of here. I'm
         freezing and Mr. Delacourte's probably
         shitting a brick.
                        GARRETT
         I can't go back there. All the kids will
         laugh at me.
                        ELIZABETH
         You seriously think they haven't been
         laughing already?
                        GARRETT
         Maybe Chase is wondering where I am.
                        ELIZABETH
         Hate to break it to you, kid, but I don't
         think anyone gives two shits where we are.
         INT. PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - NIGHT
         Principal.Snur sits across from Garrett's mother, Melody,
         who is beside herself. She is wearing a beret. A
         DETECTIVE and Amy are standing behind the desk.
         Principal Snur passes her a dolphin-shaped tissue box.





                        DETECTIVE
         What else can you tell us about Garrett
         and Ms. Halsey's relationship?
                        MELODY
         It was strictly student/teacher.
         Garrett's a gifted poet and Ms. Halsey
         was trying to bring that out of him.
         Amy snorts.
                        DETECTIVE
         Did they ever spend time outside of the
         classroom?
                        MELODY
         Aside from Christmas at our house?
         Absolutely not.
         The Detective glances at the Principal, like "Oh boy."
                        AMY
         She used to give all the guys that look.
         That sex look. You know --
         Amy gives her version of a sexy look to the Detective.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         She's a monster.
                        DETECTIVE
         Mrs. Tiara, I think we might need to
         consider the possibility that Elizabeth
         Halsey has abducted your son and that the
         two of them are involved in a sexual
         relationship.
                        MELODY
                        (INCONSOLABLE)
         Marbles doesn't even have armpit hair!
                        DETECTIVE
         (quietly, to Principal Snur)
         We should send out an Amber Alert. We
         need to catch this Sicko.
         TV NEWS FOOTAGE
         A REPORTER talks to camera on the steps of J.A.M.S.
         Other NEWS CREWS are in the bg.





         102.
                        REPORTER
         A school official close to the scandal
         confirms that in addition to her alleged
         sexual relationship with the unnamed
         seventh grader, Elizabeth Halsey has been
         investigated for possible drug use,
         standardized testing fraud, and the theft
         of an "Annie" wig from a school
         production.
         The TV Report flashes an unflattering photo of ELIZABETH
         with a BLURRED OUT GARRETT.
         In front of the school, the Reporter turns to Principal Snur.
                        REPORTER (CONT'D)
         Can you comment on any of these allegations?
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         The superintendent will speak to the
         press shortly, but for now, I'd just like
         to say that I hope Ms. Halsey does the
         right thing and brings back our student.
         INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - TRAIN STATION - NIGHT
         Elizabeth buys two tickets. Garrett hovers beside her.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TO GARRETT)
         You're paying me back for this.
         EXT. TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT
         Elizabeth's ex-fiance, mark, stands with Sheila and talks
         to a REPORTER.
                        MARK
         Am I shocked?
         Mark starts laughing.
                        SHEILA
         She was always very cold to me.
         JUMP CUT TO:
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT
         Chase is crying as she speaks to a DIFFERENT REPORTER.





         103.
                        CHASE
         (wiping away tears)
         Garrett sat diagonal from me in language
         arts. He was always so supportive of my
         modelling career.
         JUMP CUT TO:
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT
         Lynn stands with a DIFFERENT REPORTER.
                        LYNN
                        (TEARY)
         She's my best friend. She tells me
         everything. We have lunch together!
         JUMP CUT TO:
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT
         Tristan stands with a DIFFERENT REPORTER.
                        TRISTAN
         I've been telling him to hit that all
         year. That's my boy!
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT
         Amy talks to a DIFFERENT REPORTER.
                        AMY
         (holding a candle)
         "No child left behind." How ironic.
         That a child was left behind. In
         Washington, D.C. With a statutory
         rapist.
         JUMP CUT TO:
         INT. AMTRAK TRAIN NIGHT
         Elizabeth and Garrett are seated next to one another on
         the darkened train. Garrett's asleep against the window,
         Elizabeth is reading "In Style" with the overhead light.
         Garrett stirs, rolls the other way and gently places his
         head on Elizabeth's shoulder. She looks at him and then
         shrugs her shoulder to get him off. His head falls back
         on. She leaves it.





         104.
         I/E. TAXI - NIGHT
         Elizabeth is asleep on Garrett's shoulder. Garrett is
         pressed against the window, clearly uncomfortable. The
         Taxi turns a corner and Garrett notices something.
                        GARRETT
         Hey, there's a bunch of people outside of
         my house.
         Elizabeth wakes up and looks up to see:
         A CANDLELIGHT VIGIL, including Amy, Scott, Melody, and
         many. of Garrett's classmates; a SEA OF TV CAMERAS; and
         TWO POLICE CARS.
                        ELIZABETH
         What the fuck?
         (then, to Garrett)
         Did you steal something?
         The taxi pulls up to the curb and Elizabeth and Garrett .exit.
         CHAOS. They're immediately swarmed by everyone. The
         Cops struggle to push past.
                        MELODY
                        (BESIDE HERSELF)
         Marbles!!!
         The reporters thrust mics in her face.
                        REPORTER #1 REPORTER #2
         How long have you been Why did you steal the
         sleeping together? "Annie" wig?!
          ELIZABETH ,
         Just the once on the train. What?!
         The Cops get through and smother Garrett in a police
         blanket. A FEMALE COP roughly leads Elizabeth to one of
         the squad cars.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         This is crazy! He's a kid.
         Elizabeth is put into the back of squad car.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         I'm a good person! I don't fuck minors!
         Elizabeth bangs on the window. Amy smiles and waves.
                        CUT TO:





         INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
         A Sergeant is leading Elizabeth to a phone.
                        SERGEANT
         You're quite the celebrity.
                        ELIZABETH
         You want an autograph?
                        SERGEANT
         You get one call.
         Elizabeth picks up the phone. The Sergeant gives her
         some space.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (INTO PHONE)
         Hi, this is Elizabeth Halsey calling. I'm
         calling to cancel my surgery for tomorrow.
         Extenuating circumstances. Please, please
         don't make me lose my deposit.
         Elizabeth slams down the receiver.
                        SERGEANT
         If you need medical attention, we're
         required to provide it.
                        ELIZABETH
         Just take me back to my cell.
         INT. J.A.M.S. - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
         Silence.
         Elizabeth and her roommate, Kirk, who's now dressed in an
         ill-fitting suit and has his hair combed, sit across from
         Principal Snur and the SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT, a no-
         nonsense woman in her 60s.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         Again, speaking on behalf of the whole
         administration, I just want to apologize
         for what happened. Clearly, there was a
         miscommunication.
                        ELIZABETH
         Oh, you think?
         Kirk puts his hand up to Elizabeth, like "I'll take care
         of this."





         106.
                        KIRK
         My client has been an upstanding member
         of society her entire life. She has
         spent time as an educator, she has
                        VOLUNTEERED --
                        ELIZABETH
         More than once!
                        KIRK
         And she has touched the lives of those
         around her -- until last night.
         Elizabeth pulls Kirk into a lawyer/client huddle.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (WHISPERS)
         You kind of sound like a pro.
                        KIRK
                        (WHISPERS)
         Do you think they're going to find out
         that I didn't pass the bar?
                        ELIZABETH
                        (WHISPERS)
         You're doing great.
         They break from their huddle.
                        KIRK
         Your administration jumped to
         conclusions, set off a media fire-storm
         and has humiliated one of its own. As
         Ms. .Halsey's chief counsel, I've advised
         her that we have an extremely strong case
         of libel and that it's certainly within
         her province to sue the district.
                        SUPERINTENDENT
         How do we make this go away?
                        KIRK
         Ms. Halsey is not a litigious woman. She
         wants this whole matter to go away as
         quickly and painlessly as possible.
         Kirk slides a piece of paper across the desk.
                        KIRK (CONT'D)
         This is a list of our demands.
         The Superintendent and Principal Snur scan the list.





                        SUPERINTENDENT
         You're kidding me.
                        ELIZABETH
         Don't answer right now. Let it marinate.
         Oh, and I should mention that if this
         goes to trial, I can cry on cue.
         Elizabeth starts crying. Everybody looks at her, aghast.
         And as quickly she started, she stops.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         Now, if you'll all excuse me, I should be
         heading to fifth period. I hate to be
         tardy.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY
         Elizabeth heads down the empty hallway. From the auditorium,
         the faint sound of "Tomorrow, Tomorrow" from "Annie" can be
         heard.
         Amy steps out of the auditorium, humming along to the song.
         She notices Elizabeth coming to her. Amy debates her options.
                        AMY
         Elizabeth! I was so worried. You gave
         us quite a scare, you did.
         Elizabeth doesn't acknowledge her and continues walking
         toward Amy, only feet away now.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         (attempting some levity)
         Somebody's being a grumple--
         BAM! Elizabeth punches Amy square in the nose. Amy drops
         to her knees and grabs her nose, now squirting blood.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         Elizabeth keeps walking and turns a corner. A BELL RINGS
         and the hallway starts filling with STUDENTS.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (V.0.)
         Well, it's been another great year at
         JAMS...





         108.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - GYM - DAY
         QUICK CUTS. The year is winding down. Instead of gym,
         kids are using the time to sign each other's yearbooks.
         Chase walks up to Garrett with her yearbook, asks him to
         sign it.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (V.0.)
         Who can forget the exciting addition of a
         climbing wall to the small gym...
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY
         QUICK CUTS. It's class photo day. With each FLASH, we
         SEE a different TEACHER with a different CLASS.
         And finally AMY, with a bandage over her nose and two
         black eyes, smiles widely alongside her CLASS.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (V.0.)
         .Or the student/teacher spelling bee.
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY
         Much like the first scene of the movie. The teachers are
         sipping plastic flutes of Champagne. Principal Snur is
         up front. Elizabeth lingers in the back.
                        PRINCIPAL SNUR
         I think that was a huge s-u-c-c-a-s-s.
         Polite laughter.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         But seriously... With summer around the
         corner, it's time to not only say goodbye
         to another school year, but to also say
         goodbye to one of our own.
         Elizabeth smiles.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         Amy Squirrel.
         Amy, her face completely healed, steps forward, with a
         pursed smile.
         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         After six short years of outstanding,
         tireless work here, Amy is transferring
         out of the district.
                        (MORE)





         PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D)
         I know she'll bring her love for learning
         to her new students.
         Sandy, the ponytailed teacher, pipes up.
                        SANDY
         Speech! Speech!
                        AMY
         Although leaving was a difficult
         choice...
         Amy looks over to Elizabeth, who motions for her to
         continue.
                        AMY (CONT'D)
         When the superintendent personally asks
         you to work at one of the worst schools
         in the state, you say yes. I'm looking
         forward to bringing my brand of zany
         energy and lust -- not love, lust -- for
         learning to the underprivileged students
         at Malcolm X High. I welcome the
         challenge.
         The Teachers applaud, Scott the most enthusiastic.
         Elizabeth steps up to Amy, who flinches.
                        ELIZABETH
         Here, I got you this.
         Elizabeth hands Amy a poster tube. She.opens it and
         unravels the "Integrity" poster that Elizabeth stole.
                        ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
         And good luck. Somebody's gonna need it.
         Elizabeth heads for the door. Scott catches up to her.
                        SCOTT
         Hey, Stranger.
         (then, whispers)
         Listen, now that Amy's transferring,
         maybe the two of us could go grab a
         drink.
                        ELIZABETH
                        SCOTT





         Elizabeth walks out.
                        CUT TO:
         CHYRON: THREE MONTHS LATER
         EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY
         Elizabeth's 1994 Grand-Am pulls into her spot. And as
          her bare leg steps out of the car, we
         INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
         The hallway is empty. We FOLLOW Elizabeth from behind,
         and as she reaches for the door to her class, we
         INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY
         Quick cuts. From behind, we see Elizabeth place an APPLE
         on each desk, just as Amy did earlier.
         Elizabeth's walls are still bare, except for a framed
         photo of Amy's class picture, with Amy's messed up face,
         from the year before.
         The bell RINGS.
         Elizabeth turns and we now SEE that she has TASTEFUL FAKE
         BREASTS.
         Elizabeth walks to her door and opens it, watching the
         students as they reconnect with friends and share stories
         about summer camp.
         She notices Sasha who is MASSAGING a BOY's shoulders.
         bunch of other EIGHTH GRADE BOYS wait their turn.
         EIGHTH GRADE BOY
         Do me! Do me!
         Sasha clearly enjoys the attention. Elizabeth smiles.
         Garrett walks by, hand in hand with Chase. Trailing both
         of them are identical rolling backpacks. He sees
         Elizabeth and runs over.
                        ELIZABETH
         You and Chase, huh? She likes the
         poetry?





                        GARRETT
         She likes that I'm kind of a celebrity.
         But I'm cool with it. I'm the man around
         here!
                        ELIZABETH
         Easy.
                        GARRETT
         Well, I should get going. See you
         around, Ms. Halsey. Oh, and nice...
         He points at her breasts.
                        ELIZABETH
                        (TOUCHED)
         Thanks! You're the first student to
         notice.
         Garrett smiles and walks off. Lynn walks by. She's
         cleaning another big stain from her shirt.
                        LYNN
         Elizabeth, hey! How was your summer?
                        ELIZABETH
         It was great. I met a doctor! Plastic
         surgeon, actually. He's amazing.
                        LYNN
         He sounds amazing. How'd you meet him?
         The internet?
                        ELIZABETH
         No, in recovery. And I looked like ass,
         so I know it's real.
                        LYNN
         Sounds like a fairy tale.
                        ELIZABETH
         It is. Storybook. Well, not total
         storybook. It's a little messy because
         his wife filed for divorce last week, but
         we're gonna get through that.
                        (THEN)
         So you want to grab lunch later?
                        LYNN
         Sure! My treat.
                        ELIZABETH
         No, you got it last time. We'll split it.