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          ARTHUR
                        


                                  Written by
                                Peter Baynham
                        
                        
                        
                        
                                                            10/16/09
         EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                        
         A HOMELESS MAN, who from his tatty suit may have been a top
         broker this time last year, is picking through a bin in
         Manhattan's deserted night-time financial district.
                        
         The street starts to vibrate. A TERRIFYING GROWL approaches.
                        
         A huge black shape smashes into view - THE DARK KNIGHT'S
         BATMOBILE! Our audience wonder if they've wandered into the
         wrong movie. The Homeless Man dives for cover.
                        
         BAM! The Batmobile smashes into a row of parked cars.
                        
         We hear manic laughing from inside the car, which screeches
         and careers violently into a sign reading `WALL STREET'.
                        
         Sirens herald THREE POLICE CARS in hot pursuit.
                        
         The Batmobile roars up Wall Street, bashing against the New
         York Stock Exchange, thumping up and down the Federal Hall's
         steps and finally smashing at high speed into the rear end of
         the famous 'Charging Bull' statue. Two enormous bronze
         testicles thud onto the Batmobile's bonnet and roll away.
                        
         The cop cars screech up, surrounding the Batmobile. TWO OLDER
         COPS and A ROOKIE surround it, weapons drawn.
                        
         A HELICOPTER appears, blazing the Batmobile in white light.
                        
                         ROOKIE COP
          Cooool.
                        
         An older Cop flashes the rookie a dirty look, then points a
         FLASHLIGHT into a tiny window. THE BATMAN - actually drunken
         English socialite ARTHUR BACH TEMPLEMEAD in a costume -
         lowers the window and offers a handshake.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Evening, Constable!
                        
                         OLDER COP 1
          (seen it all before)
          Hi, Arthur.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Are you familiar with the
          expression `I can explain
          everything'?
                        
                         OLDER COP 1
          Out of the car, please.
          2.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Terribly sorry, but in the film
          they used a different model to show
          the old Batchap getting in and out.
          This one has no doors, so I'd have
          to squeeze out the back arsehole
          first. Which nobody wants...
                         (TO COP 2)
          Apart from you, cheeky monkey!
                         (BEAT)
          It's a joke! Okay, okay.
                        
         Arthur wriggles awkwardly out of a rear hatch. The bronze
         bull teeters, a little scarily. He stands, wobbly. His Batman
         utility belt features a big water pistol, a firework, a hip
         flask and line of shot glasses. And, inexplicably, a big red
         stapler. The younger cop is desperately fighting the giggles.
                        
                         OLDER COP 1
          Okay, explain everything.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Well. What with having spunked 1.6
          million fat Alberts on this little
          runaround, I thought why not take
          it a step further and try to
          actually collar a few ne-er do
          wells? It worked for the
          billionaire Bruce Wayne, why not
          the future billionaire Arthur Bach-
          Templemead? Will I have to do
          traffic school?
                        
                         OLDER COP 2
          How much have you drunk, Arthur?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          To use the technical medical term -
          megabloodyshitloads. Either that or
          I've had a stroke! But fret not, I
          have a designated driver.
                        
         The cop shines his flashlight back inside, revealing A
         BEARDED HOMELESS OLD MAN IN A CRAPPY 60S `ROBIN' costume.
                        
                         HOMELESS ROBIN
          Where's my five thousand dollars?
                        
         Arthur counts out a huge wad of cash.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The Boy Homeless here neglected to
          say he'd never driven.
                         (MORE)
          3.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Or that the only reason he's sober
          is to be ready for the conspiracy
          of leopards about to seize
          Manhattan.
                        
                         HOMELESS ROBIN
          It's LIZARDS! English prick!
                        
         Arthur hands another wad of cash to Cop 1.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I trust this will cover all repairs
          to New York and any inconvenience
          to your good selves?
                        
         He turns and tries to get back in.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Up up and away! Ah, no, that's the
          other chap.
                        
         The bronze bull collapses fully, crushing the Batmobile.
                        
                        
         INT. 23RD PRECINCT. CELL - NIGHT - LATER
                        
         Arthur sits, minus mask, in a cell with Homeless Robin and
         VARIOUS CRIMINALS and DRUNKS, including A HUGE GUY IN A
         CHICAGO CUBS SHIRT, sporting a terrifically swollen eye.
                        
         JAY, a drunk with a bandaged neck, is ranting away at Arthur,
         who's paying close attention, genuinely fascinated. Cash
         sticks out of various pockets.
                        
                         JAY
          Then the crazy motherfucker cut me!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Goodness. Why?
                        
                         JAY
          Said I cut the bombita with pig
          killer!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Rude man. And who threw hot
          Americano in whose face again?
                        
                         JAY
          I did in his. No half and half
          neither. That shit burnt!
                        
         Jay laughs hard, as does GARY, another crook. Arthur, out of
         politeness, tries to join in the laughter.
          4.
                        
                        
                         GARY
          I burnt my sister's hair.
                        
                         JAY
          (high fiving him)
          Cool...
                        
                         GARY
          Ho wanted to evict me, just 'cause
          I don't fit her definition of
          hygiene. Plenty of places to take a
          shit, toilet's just one of them.
          Just ask the a-rabs.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's like a chat show, this.
          (looking into an imaginary
                         CAMERA)
          It's been said of my next guest, by
          Jay the bandaged lunatic, that
          she's `a sick-ass, whacked-out,
          whacked-up asswipe'.
          (to a PROSTITUTE)
          Carmella, when did you first dream
          of becoming a crack whore?
                        
                         PROSTITUTE
          Mother died when I was six.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Oh G-d, I hate when that happens.
                        
                         PROSTITUTE
          My father raped me when I was
          twelve.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sounds like you had six relatively
          good years.
                        
                         JAY
          What do you do?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I model riding boots, I spend
          money, I sleep with women. But I
          have weekends off and I am my own
          boss.
                        
         The cell door swings open.
                        
                         OLDER COP 1
          Hey, The Drunk Knight. Your Fairy G-
          d-lawyer's here.
          5.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (STANDING)
          I never thought New York's
          underbelly could be quite such
          agreeable company. I shall never
          forget you. Farewell.
                        
         The crooks look back at him sulkily. Arthur looks guilty.
                        
                        
         INT. 23RD PRECINCT. CORRIDOR. NIGHT - LATER
                        
         Arthur's attorney ELVERTON DEVERE is leaving with him.
                        
                         DEVERE
          I don't think your mother will be
          pleased, Arthur.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Really, Elverton - if a chap can't
          help out a few chums, whatever
          their station in life.
                        
         The other crooks from the cell are leaving alongside them.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Each has given his or her word to
          put the criminal life behind them.
                        
                        
         EXT. 23RD PRECINCT. NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur steps into a blaze of paparazzi flashes.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I am the Batman. Gotham can sleep
          easy tonight.
                        
                         JAY
          (points at A CAMERAMAN)
          Don't point that shit at me, bitch!
          I will FUCK YOU UP!
                        
         Jay attacks the cameraman violently. Gary piles in.
                        
                         HOMELESS ROBIN
          Yes! Yes! Kill the lizards!
                        
         Arthur pushes past the press.
                        
                         PRESS
          Arthur! What will your mother say?
          Didn't she send you here to get you
          out of the British papers? Arthur!
          6.
                        
                        
         He turns to those crooks who aren't fighting.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Anyone need a job? My last driver
          resigned after I filled his limo
          with squirrels. Preferably sober,
          clean driving licence?
                        
         The crooks all look unsure. Apart from one....
                        
                        TITLES
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN- NIGHT
                        
         A different, extremely flashy car zips through Central Park,
         the back full of released crooks, the huge Chicago guy - his
         name's MARTY - at the wheel.
                        
         The car passes A MALE JOGGER. It stops and backs up. Arthur
         opens a door and beckons the jogger, offering champagne. The
         jogger gets in. The car sets off again.
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          Anyone know a good bar?
                        
                        
         EXT. CLUB - NIGHT
                        
         The car pulls up outside a very rough-looking dive club. Out
         falls Arthur, laughing his head off, along with champagne
         bottles, footballs and rich boy's toys. Following him are
         his crook friends, the jogger, TWO MIDDLE-AGED TOURISTS and A
         DANCING MAN in a leotard twirling a big sign reading `CHEAP
         APARTMENT RENTALS!'
                        
         Like the pied piper, Arthur leads his disciples into the bar.
                        
          JUMP CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. BAR - LATER
                        
         Arthur staggers out, leading a bigger crowd! (IN A CONGA?)
         He's even more drunk, arm in arm with Carmella the prostitute
         and a very attractive young woman, SOFIA. He produces A BIG
         ROCKET.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Stand back!
                        
         He releases the firework; it flies at a crazy drunk angle,
         people screaming and diving for cover. It explodes into a
         shop sign reading `CHECKS CASHED'.
          7.
                        
                        
                         CARMELLA
                         (LAUGHING)
          Oh, man. Nobody tell you about the
          recession?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The what?
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                        
         A very long line of excited people stand at an ATM, Arthur at
         the front.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Roll up, roll up, folks, let's fix
          this thing right now.
          (to his first customer)
          How much, sir?
                        
                         FIRST MAN
          Um. $800 please.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Coming right up.
          (keys it in)
          Fries with that?
                        
         The man laughs, along with others in the line, including
         Sofia who catches his eye.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Congratulations everyone! THE
          RECESSION'S OVER!
                        
         Arthur dials a number on his gold iPhone.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Pierre? Arthur Bach-Templemead. Can
          you squeeze me in for a little
          snack? Yeah, just me and a couple
          of mates.
                        
                        
         INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The Maitre D' enters from the kitchen and is stunned to find
         the restaurant incredibly stuffed with people, so there's
         standing room only. People are even sitting on tables. It's a
         very eclectic mix of people.
                        
         An angry, stuffy old man and his wife and daughter sit
         horrified at the center.
          8.
                        
                        
         Arthur's flanked by Carmella the prostitute and Sofia from
         the ATM line.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Pierre! We'd like 182 pate de foie
          gras, 182 chateaubriand steaks, a
          motherlode of chips and your entire
          wine cellar please.
                        
         The daughter of the stuffy couple - she's ERICA - speaks.
                        
                         ERICA
          Arthur?
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (TAKEN ABACK)
          Erica? Fancy meeting you here!
          Er...Everybody, this is Erica - the
          very best friend forever of my
          girlfriend Susan. And Erica's
          parents Ernest and Margaret.
          (to Erica and her parents)
          Are you familiar with the
          expression `I can't explain
          anything'?
                        
                         ERICA
          Who are the women with you, Arthur?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Oh, um, this is Sofia. I believe
          she works for Avis. Checks the cars
          for dings, dead people in the
          trunk, that sort of thing. And
          this is Carmella. Anyway...
                        
                         ERICA'S FATHER
          What do you do, Carmella?
                        
                         CARMELLA
          Whatever you want. But no
          penetration without a rubber.
                        
         It's all gone a bit tense.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Carmella's joking. She's actually
          a...queen. Of a very small country.
                        
                         ERICA'S FATHER
          Is she now?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's terribly small.
          9.
                        
                        
                         ERICA'S FATHER
          I see.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Rhode Island could beat the crap
          out of it in a war.
                        
                         ERICA'S FATHER
          Yes, it's a small place.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          85 cents in a cab from one end of
          the country to the other. I'm
          talking small.
                        
                         ERICA'S FATHER
          I think I understand how small it
          is.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Just had the entire country
          carpeted, this is not a big place.
                        
                         ERICA'S FATHER
          You need to grow up, Arthur.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          That's easy for you to say, you
          haven't got 50 pairs of short
          trousers hanging in your closet.
          Maybe we should go somewhere else.
                        
                         ERICA
          Maybe you should.
                        
         He gets out his ultra-exclusive Black Visa Card.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Could I have all those lobsters to
          go, please?
                        
                        
         EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - DAY
                        
         The bright dawn sun explodes on the windows of Arthur's
         castle-like $56 million penthouse atop the Pierre Hotel.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A huge jacuzzi is full of contented liberated lobsters,
         surrounded by the most amazing toy boat armada in history.
          10.
                        
                        
         We cut around the vast, opulent 20's apartment, scattered
         with unconscious revellers from last night. A mixture of old
         extravagance and modern excess, the place is stuffed with the
         toys of the boy who has everything:
                        
         An old gun cabinet is stacked with enormous water rifles.
                        
         A `Bodyworlds' plastinated corpse is posed, swinging from a
         chandelier, a bottle of champagne in its hand.
                        
         Damien Hurst's shark in formaldehyde is half out of its
         smashed tank, a REVELLER'S FEET protruding from its jaws.
                        
         Unconscious partygoers are slumped on plush seats in a home
         cinema themed to look like the set of `Roadrunner', while a
         screen plays episodes of the cartoon.
                        
         A naked couple lie in a sleeping embrace in a room converted
         entirely into a sandpit, complete with giant toys.
                        
         Big Chicago Marty, Arthur's new driver, lies on a big sofa,
         consulting his sports pager.
                        
         Homeless Robin is filling pans and antique vases with water.
                        
         A huge photo of Arthur modelling riding boots fills a wall,
         beside an old red London telephone box, converted into an
         aquarium, bubbling with colorful fish.
                        
          GIRL (O.S.)
                         (PANTING)
          More British!
                        
                        
         INT. BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Bowler-hatted Arthur and Sofia are having sex...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Cup of tea? Nice hot cup of hot
          Rosy Lee right up your fanny?
                        
         ....beneath a rotating solar system mobile good enough to
         grace a national planetarium, on a bed floating magnetically
         three feet above the floor.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A key is turned and the door to the apartment opens. A
         SENSIBLE WOMAN'S SHOE steps over a reveller.
          11.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur and Sofia are in an even greater frenzy. The floating
         bed is wobbling scarily.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hugh Grant Mr Bean self deprecation
          mad cow disease Yorkshire pudding
          bad teeth rain rain rain rain!
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. GREAT ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         AN OLDER WOMAN'S HAND pulls on A SURGICAL GLOVE.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The older woman enters the room carrying A PLASTIC TRAY AS
         USED AT AIRPORT SECURITY. This is JANE HOBSON, the British
         aristocracy's longest-serving nanny.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (brightly, as he humps)
          Morning, Hobson!
                        
         Unfazed, Hobson busies herself picking up Arthur's trousers,
         and emptying wallet, matchbooks, and iPhone into the tray.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Morning, Arthur.
                        
         She hits a remote. The curtains fly open. A HUGE TV flips on,
         showing news coverage of Arthur's antics last night.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          I'm afraid your impromptu stimulus
          package failed to reignite the
          economy.
          (reading a receipt)
          De Cache Cocktail Lounge: $23,897?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Umm...Celebration of Kwanzaa.
                        
         Hobson's reading a text on Arthur's phone: `So excited ur
         funding my movie!'
                        
                         HOBSON
          The African heritage festival
          celebrated five months from now?
                        
         She replies: `I was drunk. Piss off.'
          12.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (noticing Sofia's stopped
          having sex with him)
          Why are you stopping? Oh, sorry.
          How impolite of me. Sofia, this is
          Hobson, my nanny.
                        
                         SOFIA
          Nanny?
                        
                         HOBSON
          He's merely shaped like an adult.
                        
                         SOFIA
          Is she going to stay here?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson, could you come back in a
          minute and a half please?
                        
                         HOBSON
          Negative. You're seeing your mother
          this morning.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Nobody told me.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Actually I did, on the other side
          of the vast moat of champagne known
          as `last night'.
                        
         Hobson picks up Sofia's panties and bra from the floor like a
         crime scene officer.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          I wouldn't recommend letting him
          get used to your breasts, dear.
          Addictive personality. He was at
          mine until he was six.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson! Really...
                        
                         HOBSON
          I had to dab Tabasco sauce on the
          nipples to see him off...
                        
                         SOFIA
          I can't do this.
                        
         She pulls away from Arthur, grabs her clothes and jumps out
         of bed, nearly tipping Arthur out.
          13.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          I support your decision 100%. Will
          you be requiring a taxi, or just be
          getting in a random passing car?
                        
         Sofia storms to the door, clutching her clothes. Arthur can
         see other revellers being removed by HOTEL SECURITY.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          Say goodbye to your new friends,
          Arthur. They have to go back to the
          recession now.
                        
         Arthur covers his head with the sheet.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Cancel my mother please, Hobson.
          I'll work from bed today.
                        
         But Hobson hits a touch-sensitive screen on the wall. The
         magnetic bed thuds to the ground. She taps another control.
                        
         MUSIC: HORRIBLE, DEAFENING DEATH METAL
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Not the death metal, please!
                        
                         HOBSON
          (shouting over the music)
          Aren't you a fan of Carcass?
                        
         Hobson reads off an album cover in a little wall screen.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          `Vomited Anal Tract' is surely a
          classic of its genre.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          OKAY, OKAY, I'LL GET UP!
                        
         Arthur sits up. Hobson stops the music.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Good boy.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm going for a shower.
                        
                         HOBSON
          I'll alert the media.
          14.
                        
                        
         EXT. BALCONY SHOWER - DAY
                        
         Arthur stands naked in his shower - a big glass cube jutting
         out from the balcony like something from a David Blaine
         stunt. Hot jets of water are blasted from holes in the cube's
         ceiling. Arthur can see Manhattan far beneath his bare feet
         as he showers.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (SINGING)
          To Bombay, a travelling circus
          came...
                        
         Arthur grabs a pair of binoculars which hang on a hook.
                        
                         HOBSON
          They brought an intelligent
          elephant and Nellie was her
          name...Hobson!
                        
         We see Hobson on a little screen inset into the glass wall.
         She's on a phone at Arthur's computer.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Female Tom Hanks!
                        
                        
         INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Hobson - in front of an Ebay screen full of purchases - picks
         up her own pair of binoculars and looks down.
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          Heading east towards Park Avenue.
                        
         Through Hobson's binoculars we see A MIDDLE-AGED
         BUSINESSWOMAN who does look vaguely like a female Tom Hanks!
                        
                         HOBSON
          She's early today...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Can we invite her up and dress her
          as Forrest Gump?
                        
                         HOBSON
          No.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Just for a laugh! We'll pay her.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Do your armpits.
                         (INTO PHONE)
                         (MORE)
          15.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          Mr. Miller? My employer
          inexplicably agreed to purchase
          your...
                         (READS SCREEN)
          `Authentic 1981 `Funshine' Care
          Bear'? For $11,000 plus shipping
          costs? Sorry, but that transaction
          will take place over my dead body,
          and I'm feeling rather well today.
                        
                        
         INT. SHOWER - DAY
                        
         Arthur's still peering down through his binoculars.
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          Hobson! That was your birthday
          present! You like bears!
                        
         A PRIEST WITH THIN SIDEBURNS emerges from A DINER...
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Father Wolverine...
                        
         A MASTURBATING MAN IN A 70TH STORY APARTMENT OPPOSITE...
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Wank Williams...That man has the
          constitution of an ox.
                        
         Hobson glances up at Arthur, washing himself on the screen.
                        
                         HOBSON
          That reminds me, clean your
          genitals. Heaven knows what
          wildlife that girl was harbouring
          between her thighs.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S DOJO. DAY - LATER
                        
         Arthur, in expensive baggy yoga pants and collarless shirt,
         is doing self-invented yoga to Indian `meditation' music.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I give you `Sideways farting
          spider'.
                        
         Hobson is sitting, exasperated, going through various
         expenditures.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur, you have to stop giving
          money away!
          16.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm a philanthropist.
                        
                         HOBSON
          With the emphasis on the `pissed'.
          Really, what is it about unearned
          wealth that brings out such idiocy
          in those who have it and those who
          want it? The way you're going,
          you'll have spent your inheritance
          before you've inherited it.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (shifts to new pose)
          `Eagle pointing at lesbian.'
                        
                         HOBSON
          Why did you fire Jessica?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What kind of yoga teacher won't let
          a pupil invent positions? She was
          a Nazi with a pan pipe C.D.
                         (CHANGING POSE)
          `Upwards Pooping Astronaut'.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Interesting. It looks more like
          `Rich twit hiding from mother.' May
          I remind you, she finances your
          preposterous existence...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I know, I know. Never bite the hand
          that fists me.
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                        
         Arthur and Hobson are in a huge Bentley. Marty's at the
         wheel, still in his Cubs shirt but sporting a chauffeur's cap
         and tie. As he drives, he checks a bleeping sports pager. He
         nearly hits a pedestrian, then goes back to the pager.
                        
                         MARTY
          Sorry, fellas.
                        
                         HOBSON
                         (CONSPIRATORIAL)
          You don't seriously intend to keep
          employing this gentleman?
          17.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Give the guy a chance, Hobson. He
          got laid off in Chicago...
                        
                         HOBSON
          But he doesn't know his way around
          New York!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          So? I want interesting, fun people
          around me, not drones who just get
          the job done...
                        
         Arthur sees something out of the window.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Marty! Stop the car!
                        
         Marty hits the brakes, pitching Arthur and Hobson forward.
                        
                        
         EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur hurries up to A SMALL GROUP OF TOURISTS.
                        
          WOMAN (O.S.)
          The Chrysler Building. Designed by
          William Van Allen...
                        
         A TOUR GUIDE wearing a name badge reading `Naomi' is talking.
         She is gorgeous, wearing vintage clothes, clutching a
         clipboard. We understand why Arthur stopped the car.
                        
                         NAOMI
          ...and inspired by the machine age
          of the 1920s, this magnificent
          structure was the world's tallest
          building for 11 months before the
          Empire State stole its thunder.
                        
         She looks out on her sullen, miserable tourists.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          The Chrysler got its name when the
          builder went bust in the 1928
          Cement Famine and had to melt down
          his Chrysler to make the pointy bit
          at the top. If you peer closely you
          can still make out remnants of a
          hub cap and a sticker reading `Honk
          twice if you voted Hoover.'
                        
         Some tourists laugh. Some don't. Arthur's transfixed.
          18.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          That was a joke, folks. It was
          built for the Chrysler corporation.
                        
         Naomi shares an eye roll with A NEWSSTAND GUY who's clearly
         in love with her.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          The spire is a beauty, especially
          on a winter's morning when the sun
          hits it and it just seems to...
                        
          GRUMPY FEMALE TOURIST
                         (INTERRUPTING)
          How tall is it?
                        
                         NAOMI
          1047 feet madam, not allowing for
          pigeon shit. Okay, let's cross.
                        
         Naomi leads the tourists across the busy road. She has to go
         back to grab a teenager in the headphones, who didn't hear.
         Arthur hurries alongside Naomi.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Can I join your tour please?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Sure. It's $15, plus $5 for the
          free authentic street pretzel.
          Sorry, my bosses make the prices.
                        
         Arthur produces his wallet full of high-end credit cards.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Sorry. I can't take cards.
                         (BEAT)
          Ah, owe me it. I start on that
          corner every day on the hour...
                        
         Just as Naomi's reaching the other side, a cabbie, driving
         very aggressively, nearly hits her.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Hey, you big blind jerk! Doesn't
          your braille windshield work?
                        
                         CABBIE
                         (ANGRY)
          !NO ME HINCHAN LAS PELOTAS!
          19.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          PEGUELO ENCIMA DE SU ASNO, USTED
          PINCHAZO GRANDE SU MADRE ES UN PUTA
          ENORMA Y SU PADRE NO TIENE NINGUIN
          MARTILLO!
                        
         The cabbie's shocked - but laughs and blows Naomi a kiss. She
         smiles back.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Wow. What did you say?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Just generalised criticism of his
          parents and genitals.
          (to the tourists)
          Everyone make it over alive?
          Excellent. Next we enter Times
          Square, world famous for New Year's
          Eve, when a Waterford Crystal Ball
          descends at eye-poppingly slow
          speed for the inexplicable
          entertainment of a million drunk
          fools. Many people think the square
          is actually a square, despite
          blatant evidence otherwise.
                         (TO ARTHUR)
          Sir? What shape is Times Square?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          A circle?
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (LAUGHS)
          See? Morons.
                        
         More tourists laugh this time. Some...
                        
          GRUMPY MALE TOURIST
          When do we get the pretzel?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Soon, sir. Soon.
                        
         She checks her watch and leads the party inside a laundromat.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Okay, next the very Laundromat once
          used by George Gershwin, Donald
          Trump...
          20.
                        
                        
         INT. LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi approaches a washing machine just as it ends its cycle
         and makes a loud buzz.
                        
                         NAOMI
          ...Mr Big from Sex and the City and
          three of the 9-11 terrorists.
                        
         She starts unloading the machine of a large man's whites -
         vests, underwear, shirts, all stained red by a baseball cap.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Oh, dad.
                        
         She transfers the laundry into a tumble dryer and feeds it
         quarters. Arthur stays close.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          The Welsh poet Dylan Thomas drank
          himself to death at the Chelsea
          Hotel half an hour after losing a
          sock in this very dryer.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (CONSPIRATORIAL)
          Are you abusing this tour to do
          your errands?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you abusing the tour to stalk
          me?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Absolutely.
                        
         Arthur stares at the big tumble dryers.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          These things are amazing. Have you
          ever put all your father's clothes
          on and just got inside one?
                        
         Naomi looks at him, bemused but intrigued as she heads to the
         door.
                        
                        
         EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY
                        
         Hobson's out of the car looking for Arthur.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Where the blazes is that boy?
          Arthur!
          21.
                        
                        
         EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         They emerge into the street.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Ahead, the jewel in Manhattan's
          crown, the Empire State Building.
          This iconic symbol of American
          corporate might was adapted during
          World War 2 in case of attack from
          enemy forces. At three minutes'
          notice the entire structure can
          retract into the ground like a
          tortoise's head.
                        
                         TOURIST
          That's not possible. I should know,
          I'm a civil engineer.
                        
                         NAOMI
          You're not being very civil to me.
                        
         Some tourists laugh.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The building doesn't retract; the
          ground rises up.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Exactly. The ground rises up! Thank
          you, sir.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          They were going to install giant
          legs so if a plane was flying at
          the tower it could run away. But
          where's it going to run?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Manhattan's in the way.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It'd have to jump in the Hudson.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Victory to the Nazis. Is that what
          you want?
                        
         The group approaches a pretzel stand.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Okay, folks, your pretzel awaits.
                        
         The group lines up to get their pretzels.
          22.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Do I know you from somewhere?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          If you go on Perez Hilton or TMZ.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What are they?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The gossip websites.
                        
                         NAOMI
          That the internet? Ah, my
          computer's too old for all that.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          For the internet? Seriously?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Life's too short for all this
          obsessive upgrading.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You consider the internet an
          upgrade? Wow.
                        
                         NAOMI
          So why do people gossip about you?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Ah, that was a joke. I'm nobody.
                        
         Arthur feels a tap on his shoulder. Hobson.
                        
                         HOBSON
          You're late for your mother!
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (TO ARTHUR)
          Sorry, this pretzel stand is a
          watering hole for the crazies.
          (raises her voice to
                         HOBSON)
          The soup kitchen's just up and to
          the left, honey.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson, this is...
          (reads her badge)
          Naomi.
                        
                         NAOMI
          She's with you?
          23.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          Delighted to meet you, Naomi.
          Normally one has to go to a bowling
          alley to meet a woman of your
          stature.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Ooh, Grandma's got jokes.
                        
                         HOBSON
          You aren't the first woman who
          walks the streets this young man
          has asked.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Who's this? Joan Rivers' older
          bitterer sister?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          My nanny.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Obviously. Seriously, who is she?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          My nanny. Well, she started as
          that, but these days she's more of
          an all-round enforcer and
          bodyguard.
                        
         Naomi looks at her watch and glances to the tourists, chewing
         on their pretzels. She starts to walk away.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Sorry, I have to get out the cattle
          prod and haul ass. Got another tour
          starting in eight minutes.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Can I call you?
                        
         Naomi starts to walk away.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I don't give my number to grown men
          with nannies. But as you may not be
          a grown man, it's 917 476 2030.
                        
         Manhattan swallows the lovely stranger.
          24.
                        
                        
         INT. TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         They cross a huge foyer, passing a big sign reading
         `TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS INC' to the elevator.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But what if this is the one?
                        
                         HOBSON
          This is just like the Komodo
          dragon. Everyone else is happy to
          see one in the zoo and leave it
          there. You had to own one. Thank
          goodness that handbag manufacturer
          was prepared to take the poor
          lizard away.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (HORRIFIED)
          You said he's in London Zoo!
                        
                         HOBSON
          He is, Arthur. Are you the only one
          allowed to joke now?
                        
                        
         INT. TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
                        
         Reception is manned by GRANT, a too-cool-for-school, young
         Aryan beefcake straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch spread.
         Arthur and Hobson enter.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I don't like it here.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Of course you don't. People work
          here.
                        
                         GRANT
                         (HATES ARTHUR)
          Good afternoon, Mr Bach-Templemead.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hi Grant. Tell me - which of your
          parents are you most like?
          Abercrombie or Fitch?
                        
                         GRANT
          (doesn't get the joke)
          I have no connection with that
          store. My family name is Von
          Krausehoff. Take a seat please.
          25.
                        
                        
         Arthur and Hobson sit down. Grant picks up a phone.
                        
                         GRANT (CONT'D)
          Vivienne?
          (conspiratorial, flirty)
          White mid-rise briefs...mmmm.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Don't fret, Arthur. This won't take
          long. Then we'll have ice cream.
                        
         A LARGE OFFICE DOOR opens spookily of its own accord.
                        
          VIVIENNE (O.S.)
          Come in, Arthur.
                        
         Arthur heads to the door. VIVIENNE BACH-TEMPLEMEAD a
         formidable, tanned American widow in her sixties, shakes his
         hand.
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
          Arthur.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Vivienne.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          You know I prefer `mother'.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm sorry. You look more like a
          Vivienne.
                        
         Vivienne nods to Hobson as the door to her lair shuts. An icy
         breeze passes between biological mother and surrogate.
                        
                        
         INT. VIVIENNE'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The office boasts many glass cases full of trophies and
         framed photos of Vivienne's younger self showjumping and
         holding trophies aloft. There's one small photo of Vivienne,
         Arthur's late father GERALD and Arthur as a toddler.
                        
         Vivienne's engrossed in a document, making notations. Arthur,
         clearly uncomfortable here, sits in a low sofa before her.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          (not looking up)
          So. How are you, Arthur?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Quite busy. I have a riding boot
          shoot for Petrie Dressage...
          26.
                        
                        
         But Vivienne's buried in her work, not listening.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          What else...I'm meeting Ivanka
          Trump for brunch to discuss the
          environment. She's sending her
          helicopter to avoid the traffic...
                        
         Vivienne's still not listening.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Crashed my Batmobile into the
          bronze bull on Wall Street...
                        
         She's still not listening. Has it always been like this?
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          ...which caused a hole to swallow
          up the New York Stock Exchange...
                        
         She's still not listening.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          ..the world economy to collapse and
          the planet to descend into looting
          and cannibalism.
                        
         Still not listening.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          What else? Um...tripped over in the
          shower this morning. Head split
          open, found a family of meerkats
          hiding in there! Hated the thought
          of the little lads being homeless
          so I bricked up the remaining half
          of my brain, popped them back in
          and Hobson glued my skull back
          together.
                        
         Still not listening.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          I'm thinking of buying a giant. I
          think the market's right for it.
                        
         Arthur stops. He watches Vivienne. He lets out a huge belch.
         Nothing. A big fart. Nothing. Opera. Nothing.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          You really are a shoddy mother.
                        
         Vivienne eventually looks up.
          27.
                        
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Did I hear you say you were meeting
          Ivanka Trump for brunch? That's
          nice. Right. Today we're going to
          have a friendly chat. Then a
          serious talk. And lastly make a
          timetable. How does all that sound?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Amazing. Do you have any vodka?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          What happened, Arthur? You were
          such a sweet baby.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I still wake up in my own poo
          occasionally.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Right, that's it for the chat. Time
          to transition to our talk.
                        
         Vivienne hits a remote control. A large wall-mounted screen
         fills with a changing collage of him drunk, dancing, puking,
         making out with women, beside countless news headlines.
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
          This insanity has to end, Arthur.
          As the delightful coffee-coloured
          gentleman who runs this country
          said, `The time has come to set
          aside childish things.'
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Can't Hobson set them aside for me?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Susan is a splendid girl. Her feet
          are on the ground, she's of fine
          stock...
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (GETS UP)
          Oh. That's what this is all about.
          I'm not marrying Susan. I don't
          love her.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          And? You think I spent my marriage
          to your father skipping through
          meadows?
          28.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
         Not after you ran him over in the
         Bentley, no. Susan's boring. She's
         not funny.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         Ditto your father. The aristocracy
         doesn't marry for `fun', Arthur.
         It's about stability. Continuity...
                        
                         ARTHUR
         ...and sinking your fangs into
         Susan's father's bank account.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         The Johnson family's considerable
         equity in a stormy financial period
         is merely a side issue. Burt is a
         pillar of the community.
                        
                         ARTHUR
         His baby formula was taken off the
         market in six African countries!
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         A completely innocent error in
         places where there's precious
         little for children to live for
         anyway. The families all got gift
         baskets as compensation. That
         little bump in the road aside, Burt
         is a devout Christian.
                        
                         ARTHUR
         Yes, because they're never insane.
         And where did he get Jesus?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
                         (GETTING EXASPERATED)
         Burt paid his debt to society years
         ago.
                        
                         ARTHUR
         He strangled a fireman! Who
         strangles a fireman?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         Arthur...
          29.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
         I'm sorry, Vivienne. I've met
         someone else very lovely who, as
         far as I know, isn't related to
         anyone who would kill an unsung
         hero in cold blood.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         Un-meet her. Arthur, you're the end
         of our line. We need an heir.
                        
                         ARTHUR
         I nearly gave you an heir!
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         Oh, give me strength! A Bach-
         Templemead having a child by a lap
         dancer called `Mystery'?
                        
                         ARTHUR
         That was just her stage name! To
         give her more mystery when
         she...waved her fanny around. Her
         real name was...what was it again?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         Susan is 33 this year. Her egg
         inventory has dropped by 23% since
         you met her. You risk having no
         sons, or worse, some pea-brained
         hunchback who hugs everyone!
                        
                         ARTHUR
         Great! I like hugs! And some of
         them are really good at math.
          (heading to the door)
         You know the `Frog and Toad' books?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         No.
                        
                         ARTHUR
         Of course you don't. Hobson read
         them to me while you were off
         riding horses over stripey poles.
         They're about fun and friendship,
         not how many unspasticated tadpoles
         I can squirt up a rich girl.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
         Your father would turn in his grave
         to hear this nonsense...
          30.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          That I won't follow in his
          footsteps and marry a woman I hate?
          I think he might climb out of the
          grave and dance on it.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Suit yourself.
                        
         Vivienne holds up the document she was notating earlier.
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
          My will, which I have updated to
          designate Grant in reception as the
          sole beneficiary.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You wouldn't! You're my...
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          ...Vivienne? Try me.
                        
         Vivienne opens a draw and takes out A HUGE RING BOX.
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
          Shall we segue to the timetable
          part of our meeting?
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
                        
         The liberated lobsters are now living happily at the bottom
         of the London phone box aquarium. Arthur eats lunch alone at
         a huge table, THE BIGGEST DIAMOND RING IN THE WORLD is beside
         him. Hobson brings a plate of vitamins.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Ah. The ring your father gave your
          mother, I recall.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (feeling its huge weight)
          Did he knock her out with it, then
          drive her to the church in the
          trunk of his Bentley?
                        
                         HOBSON
          No. Your father was a gentleman.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What's gentlemanly about dying
          before I knew him? That's just
          rude. Did he ever love my mother?
          31.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          They had their days.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Ah well. At least he doesn't have
          to wake up every day to a woman
          with a face like saran wrap
          stretched over a gargoyle.
                        
         Arthur stares at the ring again.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          What about Naomi?
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur. I say this with love:
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Uh-oh...
                        
                         HOBSON
          Even by modern male standards
          you're a breathtakingly immature
          little shit. Coupled with the kind
          of money you have access to, that's
          deadly. Susan may not have a four
          hour stand up routine about the
          Flatiron Building, but she's a
          solid girl who will look after you.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I have you for that.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Not forever.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Yes forever. You're Hobson.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi answers a giant old cellphone in her modest apartment,
         cooking for her dad, RALPH, a bear of a man slumped in front
         of the TV watching CSI. A picture of Naomi and her elderly
         mother, in hospital, is on the wall.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Hello?
                         (SILENCE)
          Hello?
          32.
                        
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S, ON PHONE)
                         (MOCK SINISTER)
          This is your English stalker.
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (UNFAZED)
          Oh, hi! What's up?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm sorry, I've never really
          understood that question. Are you
          free tomorrow night?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Sorry, I'm polishing my yacht.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur's on the toilet in a bathroom whose walls are entirely
         covered in a photographic mural to make it look like he's
         sitting at the top of a ski slope, with skis on his feet.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Is that a euphemism for something
          naughty?
                        
                         NAOMI
          No, it's a lie. I have a creative
          writing class. Tonight?
                        
         Arthur glances down at the ring box on the floor.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I have a contractual commitment.
          Friday?
                        
                         NAOMI
          You got it.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Paper.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Sorry?
                        
         A voice-activated toilet paper dispenser spits out a sheet.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry, I was talking to something
          else. So. What do you want to do?
          33.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi dishes out the food on cheap plates. It's all a big
         contrast to Arthur's setting.
                        
                         NAOMI
          A movie?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Movie? Come on, you've got to try
          harder than that.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Pizza.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What have you always wanted to do?
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's a first date, Arthur. Not our
          honeymoon.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Every date will be our honeymoon.
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (MOCK DISGUSTED)
          Ewww. Okay, uh, picnic in the
          park...or dinner with a view. I
          like views.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur's standing at a sink. A list is beside him, reading
         `Picnic in park, movie, dinner, view.'
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What sort of food do you like?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Anything but guts and mushrooms.
          Okay, enough questions.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Oh come on. This all helps build up
          a profile of you before I trick you
          into my basement. I'd hate to not
          have your favourite snacks ready.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Turkey Jerky and Pez. Are we done?
          Just that I....
          34.
                        
                        
         The line goes dead. Hobson is standing behind Arthur, the
         ripped out phone cord in her hand.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Time to get engaged, Arthur. The
          Komodo dragon can wait.
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT
                        
         The original Delorean from `Back to the Future' putters up to
         Burt Johnson's imposing, tacky mansion. The car stops and the
         gull wing door swings up, revealing an extremely drunk
         Arthur, clutching a bottle of champagne.
                        
                        
         INT. THE JOHNSON MANSION - NIGHT
                        
         AN EXTREMELY STIFF, MISERABLE OLD BUTLER answers.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hi! Is it June 19th at 7 pm?
                        
                         BUTLER
          No, sir. It's 8.34.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          FUCK! We overshot! Time travel can
          be a real cunt sometimes, don't you
          think? I'll be right back. See you
          in an hour and a half ago...
                        
         The butler doesn't laugh.
                        
                        
         INT. BURT'S STUDY - DAY - LATER
                        
         Arthur and the butler enter the large, paneled study.
                        
                         BUTLER
          Would you care for anything while
          you wait?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          A trampoline and a selection of
          woodland creatures if that's not
          too much trouble.
                        
         The butler leaves. Arthur gazes around the room, which is
         filled with antique Christian iconography. The ceiling fan is
         in the shape of a cross. A large, scary Jesus statue, palms
         outstretched, stares at him from beside a fish tank.
                        
         He sees a cocktail cabinet.
          35.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Ah!
                         (TO JESUS)
          Shhhhh...
                        
         He opens the cabinet. Nothing but bottles of water.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Bollocks.
                         (TO JESUS)
          Sorry. Actually, you couldn't,
          um....you know...
          (points to the water)
          ...turn this into a nice 1990
          Romanee Conti, could you?
                        
         He sips the water as if it's wine. Lifts it to Jesus.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Cheers ears.
                        
         He checks out a huge, very old, rusty sword on the wall.
         Beneath it is a small information plaque.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          `Genuine Sword of the First
          Crusade. Excavated Germany, 1972'.
                        
         He looks around, then reaches up and takes it off. It's VERY
         heavy and clanks to the ground, slamming his foot.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Jesus Fucking Christ!
                         (TO JESUS)
          Sorry. It's not like you shouted
          `Arthur Fucking Bach' when they
          pinned you up. Sorry. Sore subject.
                        
         Arthur lifts the sword again, brandishing and twirling it,
         making the noise of a Star Wars light sabre.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Feel the force, Luke.
                        
         He swings it in a full arc...CLUNK!
                        
         Arthur has decapitated Jesus! Where's the head? The door
         opens. BURT JOHNSON, a large, imposing man with a tiny
         crucifix around his neck, fills the doorway.
                        
                         BURT
          Arthur!
          36.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I, er, had a bit of food stuck in
          my teeth and couldn't find a
          toothpick.
                        
         Burt, unperturbed, takes the sword from Arthur.
                        
                         BURT
          Heck, this sword went through three
          crusades. Beheaded 1000 moslems.
          Nothing you can do to harm it.
                        
         Burt walks straight past headless Jesus to the water cabinet.
         Arthur looks around desperately for the head.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You don't, um, have anything
          stronger, do you?
                        
                         BURT
          Sparkling.
                        
         Arthur laughs nervously. But Burt's not joking.
                        
                         BURT (CONT'D)
          `The drunkard and the glutton shalt
          come to poverty: and drowsiness
          shalt clothe a man with rags.'
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Surely a glass of sherry at
          Christmas?
                        
         Burt clinks glasses with him.
                        
                         BURT
          Peace be with you.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          And also with me.
                        
         He sees Jesus's head! It's sitting on top of one of the
         blades of the ceiling fan!
                        
                         BURT
          Arthur. Can I be honest with you?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You're the real Slim Shady? I knew
          it!
          37.
                        
                        
                         BURT
          My faith teaches me to hate the
          sin, not the sinner. But with you,
          I struggle with that belief.
                        
         Burt turns away to get a glass of water.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You could switch to Judaism.
          (glances up at the fan)
          Bit warm in here. Do you mind if I
          put the fan on?
                        
         Arthur turns the fan on a low setting. It rotates slowly, the
         head going around with it. Burt turns away to pour more
         water. Arthur grabs the moment to speed up the fan again,
         until it's going fast enough and Jesus's head falls off.
         Arthur catches it. Arthur gets behind Burt, out of sight
         temporarily.
                        
                         BURT
          Anyway, Arthur. However I feel
          about you, my daughter loves you.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Yes, it's a problem, isn't it?
                        
         Arthur reaches out and, unseen by Burt, he reaches out of
         shot and puts the head back on Jesus's body.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Let's knock our heads together and
          find a way to stop her loving
          me....Got it! We'll tell her I'm on
          the sex offenders register....No, I
          am and she knows.
                         (BEAT)
          Joke, sorry. Ah. We'll say I'm gay!
          I did once dabble actually, so I
          can tell a plausible story.
                        
                         BURT
          You made love to a guy?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          One Moslem doesn't make a mosque,
          Burt.
                        
                         BURT
          You made love to a Moslem?
          38.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No, sir, it was Prince Alois of
          Lichtenstein and he made love to
          me. The fact that it took three
          bottles of poppers and a Jacuzzi
          full of Krug to loosen me up
          confirmed my heterosexuality.
                        
         Arthur notices that Jesus's head is on backwards.
                        
         Burt picks up a Bible from his desk and quotes from memory.
                        
                         BURT
          `If there is a man who lies with a
          male, they shall surely be put to
          death.'
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Crikey. Couldn't there just be some
          kind of on-the-spot fine?
                        
         Burt really hammers the table this time.
                        
                         BURT
          You will stop this talk and marry -
          my - fucking...
                        
         Jesus's head falls off. Arthur peers around. It's nowhere!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Oh bollocks.
                        
         Both Arthur and Burt see Jesus's head at the bottom of the
         fish tank. It floats back up to the top.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          It's a miracle! He is risen!
                        
         But SUSAN, Burt's beautiful daughter, enters with her best
         friend Erica - who Arthur met whilst at the restaurant the
         other night.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Hi Susan. Erica.
                        
         Burt looks from Jesus's head to the sword, figuring it out.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Sorry to make you wait, Arthur. I
          was talking to your mother. I hear
          you have something to ask me!
                        
         Arthur feels Burt's smiling face - and hating eyes - on him.
          39.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Shall we go?
                        
                        
         INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                        
         A VERY PRECISE FRENCH WAITER performs the specials menu with
         ludicrous elan. Susan is rapt, taking it all very seriously.
                        
          WAITER (O.S.)
          ...the chef has bathed the bass in
          a parceline of Chilean fennel and
          finished him with a little gift of
          kobe beef. Also I have a
          progressive tasting of Kumamoto
          oysters en gelee which evolve on
          the palate, from light and
          refreshing to complex and spicy. A
          short story with a twist at the
          end! Le fin.
                        
         Susan chuckles approvingly, knowingly, the twit. She coos
         with delight and claps in appreciation.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Do you have something with less
          words please? The chef doesn't have
          to re-cook it, just scrape off the
          nouns and trim out all that
          gibberish in the middle.
                        
                         SUSAN
          He's just joshing, Dominic. I'll do
          the skate in wood ear mushroom.
                        
                         WAITER
          Excellent decision. Sir?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          A bowl of champagne and a spoon.
                        
         The waiter leaves, despising Arthur.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Arthur, did you really have to be
          so icky to Dominic?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm sorry. I just can't handle the
          whole specials act. It's not a
          Shakespearean soliloquy, it's some
          heated up dead things that aren't
          on the main menu.
          40.
                        
                        
         A WINE WAITER slams a bowl and spoon next to Arthur. He pours
         in champagne.
                        
                         SUSAN
          You know, I was grumbling to your
          mother about how things are with us
          sometimes. How I'm sure you're
          trying to drive me away...
                        
         Arthur slurps his champagne.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Um hm.
                        
                         SUSAN
          But she was explaining that
          relationships are like property
          purchases; invest only in high-end
          stock, avoid anyone 'up-and-
          coming', then hold onto the
          property through thick and thin to
          deliver maximum return! Isn't that
          darling?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Is it possible to buy the house but
          then rent it out? Sorry, joke. I'm
          not suggesting pimping you.
                        
         Arthur sees a very frail, rich old woman dripping in
         diamonds, passing by on her walking frame.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Look. You after our first child is
          born.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Arthur. Why can't you learn to
          laugh at genuinely amusing things?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Such as?
                        
                         SUSAN
          YouTube clips of babies giggling.
          Dane Cook.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Susan. Why are we together?
                        
                         SUSAN
          I love you, Arthur. And you love
          me, whatever you think.
          41.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          We don't have the same sense of
          humour. We don't like the same
          films, food, music. You like
          horses, I think they're arrogant
          idiots...
                        
                         SUSAN
          Don't they say opposites attract?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          That depends on the opposites.
          Racists and the Nation of Islam
          don't secretly want to 69 each
          other. Susan, you're beautiful.
          You're bright. You're fucking
          loaded. Is there really no one else
          who could make you happy?
                        
                         SUSAN
          No.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Never?
                        
                         SUSAN
          Well, I had a thing at college.
          That was serious for a while. But
          daddy...
                        
         She stops herself.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Daddy what? Prayed to Jesus for it
          not to work out, then shot the
          bloke behind a meat truck? Because
          Jesus would consider that cheating.
                        
         Susan places her hand on Arthur's.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Ask me, Arthur.
                        
         Arthur takes Susan's hand.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Susan. You're the only woman...at
          this table.
                        
         A waiter tops up Susan's wine. Arthur, now very drunk, holds
         out his champagne bowl to be refilled.
          42.
                        
                        
                         SUSAN
          You're not happy, Arthur. Nobody
          who drinks like you can be happy.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          How do you know? What if the
          drunker I get the better it is for
          me? Not everyone who drinks is a
          poet, Susan. Some of us drink
          because we're not poets.
                        
         The waiter arrives with Susan's fish and Arthur's drink.
                        
                         SUSAN
          A real woman could stop you from
          drinking.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It'd have to be a real big woman.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Ask me, Arthur.
                        
         Arthur sinks to his knees. Susan waits...and waits. Arthur
         has passed out. Susan kicks him awake. He fumbles away in the
         gloom, getting out the ring box and trying to get it on her
         finger.
                        
         At table level, Susan waits, irritated.
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          All done.
                        
         Susan pulls her hand up, and gazes at the huge, glinting
         diamond - pushed onto the end of her thumb.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Susan. Would you marry me? Take the
          weekend if you want...
                        
                         SUSAN
          Yes, I'll marry you.
                        
         She nods imperceptibly at the waiter.
                        
                         WAITER
          Ladies and gentleman - the happy
          couple!
                        
         Music starts. A congratulatory round of applause. Confetti is
         thrown. The whole restaurant cheers. Susan whips out her
         Blackberry and starts hitting keys.
          43.
                        
                        
                         SUSAN
          Erica will be the planner.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Erica? She hates me.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Who I love, she loves.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Oh, come on. She always looks like
          she wants to set fire to my face
          then put it out with an Uzi.
                        
         Susan's phone rings.
                        
                         SUSAN
                         (ANSWERING)
          Hello...thanks, daddy! Sorry, hang
          on, I have Erica calling...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What's going on? I only just bloody
          proposed!
                        
         Arthur's phone rings. The caller I.D reads `Vivienne'. He
         kills the call and sits, horrified, as the entire restaurant
         celebrates his grim fate.
                        
         INT. PIERRE HOTEL BASEMENT GARAGE - NIGHT - LATER
                        
         In the gloom we track past the crushed Batmobile, the
         Delorean and other famous cars, to find Arthur sitting in
         KITT from `Knight Rider'.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          What have I done, Kitt? This
          mistake's up there with Hitler
          joining his school debating team...
                        
                         VOICE (FEMALE)
          Go to bed, Arthur.
                        
         Arthur jumps out of his skin. But it's Hobson, standing by
         the car holding a dressing gown and a mug of cocoa.
                        
                         HOBSON
          And stop this self-pitying bibble.
          You're going to be fabulously rich.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Maybe I'd rather be fabulously
          poor. Some poor people I see look
          happy.
          44.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          That's either because they're far
          away or you've just given them
          money. Arthur, poor people have to
          work. They stand for hours in the
          rain, waiting for buses full of
          other poor people to take them to
          things called `jobs' which they do
          all year round to pay for holidays
          away from those jobs.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Don't patronise me. I have a job.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Lying drunk on a bale of hay in
          riding boots being photographed by
          another pampered prick won't
          prepare you for the work I mean.
          And I don't want to see you suffer.
          Take your fish oil.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT, QUEENS - NIGHT
                        
         A very old Apple Mac sits on a cluttered desk.
                        
         Ralph is in his chair, eating Popeye's Chicken n' Biscuits,
         watching CSI on an old TV with a tiny satellite dish on top.
                        
                         RALPH
          When are we getting cable?
                        
          NAOMI (O.S.)
          We have satellite.
                        
                         RALPH
          Honey, that's some bullshit aerial
          from the 99 cent Store!
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's a satellite dish!
                        
                         RALPH
          I read the box! It said `No
          satellite fees to pay because does
          not receive satellite signals!'
          That's like saying `Hey - eat this
          plate of broken glass! It won't
          make you fat. 'cause IT'S GLASS!'
                        
         Naomi comes in, looking absolutely beautiful. She checks her
         hair in the mirror.
          45.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's better than nothing.
                        
         Ralph unplugs the dish. The picture improves.
                        
                         RALPH
          No it ain't. Honey, I love you, but
          you're even cheaper than your mom.
          And she bought food from yard
          sales.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I miss her too, daddy. But now
          she's gone and if I'm going to keep
          you in grits and Oprah the rest of
          your life, you live by my rules.
                        
                         RALPH
          But you live like you're preparing
          for a war. And you earn a decent
          salary.
                        
                         NAOMI
          So? I want to know I can look after
          you.
                        
                         RALPH
          What's he do, this English bum?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Who cares? He's nice. He's funny.
                        
         On CSI, a female body is being unearthed.
                        
                         RALPH
          Yeah and I bet that girl said the
          same about her date. Honey, stay
          home. I don't want you ending up
          like that poor girl.
                        
                         NAOMI
          A bad actress holding her breath?
                        
         She changes the channel to something else.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Stop watching CSI.
                        
         A beep from outside. She kisses him and leaves.
                        
                        
         EXT. PARK - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur's Bentley pulls up at a quiet part of Battery Park.
          46.
                        
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          Sorry we drove around so long.
          Navigation isn't my driver's strong
          point.
                        
         There's a huge ding in one side of the car.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Or road awareness.
                        
                        
         INT. BENTLEY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur and Naomi sit in the back of the car, while Marty
         checks sports results on his pager.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Can you put this on please?
                        
         Arthur's holding a blindfold.
                        
                         NAOMI
          On a first date? Are you crazy?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Trust me.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur. We're in Battery Park at
          night. I've met you once - in the
          company of your nanny. You make a
          disturbing number of jokes about
          stalking and basements. My dad
          already has you down as a mass
          murderer. And you want me to put on
          a blindfold?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I give you my word - if I kill and
          eat you, you'll never see me again.
                        
         She shrugs and puts on the blindfold.
                        
                        
         EXT. NIGHT - LATER
                        
         Arthur guides Naomi in the dark. She stumbles.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Okay, I'm officially a little
          worried.
                        
         She tries to pull her blindfold off.
          47.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (LAUGHING)
          Don't worry!
                        
         Arthur removes her blindfold. She's stunned to find herself
         on a huge blanket under a tree in a clearing lit by numerous
         candles. Before them is spread the most amazing picnic of all
         time. Flowers are everywhere. A log fire burns in a grate.
         Soft music plays.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          You said you wanted a picnic.
                        
         He pours them glasses of 1928 Krug.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur, I don't know what to say.
          It's beautiful.
                         (LOOKING AROUND)
          Who did all this?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The picnic fairies. Who liaised
          with the flower fairies, the candle
          fairies, the log fire fairies, the
          hidden sound system fairies...
                        
         He lifts a silver platter lid to reveal a vast pizza.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          ...and the pizza fairies.
                        
         A crack of a twig from somewhere.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Did you take account of the heroin
          fairies who hang here at night?
                        
         But there's nobody there. A cool breeze blows. Naomi shivers.
         Arthur uses a remote to turn the log fire flames up.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's nice to keep it simple like
          this. I'm sick of Michelin-star
          restaurants. All that embarrassing
          crap with the specials.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you kidding? Where I normally
          eat, the special's the one that
          comes with a free toy.
                        
         Arthur lifts a grill lid to turn over succulent steaks.
          48.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          You're rich rich, aren't you?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I get by.
                        
                         NAOMI
          `It doesn't remotely matter how
          much or what you spend it on' rich?
                        
         Arthur shrugs and swigs champagne, pouring more.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Craziest thing you ever bought?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I once inadvertently financed a
          terrorist cell who said they needed
          £100,000 to open a falafel stall.
                        
         She laughs. She stops laughing.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Oh my G-d, you're serious.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What's the craziest thing you ever
          told a tour party?
                        
                         NAOMI
          I once said the Manhattan we were
          in was actually a movie set built
          for `You've got Mail', but that
          after the film wrapped, everyone
          moved to the set because there was
          less crime.
                        
         A sudden, very loud, very out-of-date ring tone. Naomi takes
         out a huge ancient Motorola phone.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Yes, dad? There's a small Tiffany
          butter knife about two inches from
          his hand but it might take him
          eight months to dismember me with
          it.
                         (PHONE BLEEPS)
          Gotta go, battery. Love you too.
                        
         She ends the call.
          49.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Mom died last year. For eight
          months dad ate nothing but Popeye's
          Chicken n' Biscuits in front of
          CSI. So I persuaded him to move in
          with me. Where he eats Popeye's
          Chicken n' Biscuits in front of
          CSI.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sounds like you're very good to
          him.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What are you gonna do? All those
          years your folks tucked you in, did
          their best to stop you from eating
          crap in front of the TV. And then
          one day, you're the one saying `No,
          honey, it's bad for you! Go to
          bed.' Weird, huh?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (not relating at all)
          Yeah. I hate that.
          (looks at her phone)
          Nice bit of kitsch. Where did you
          find that?
                        
                         NAOMI
          AT&T store in 1998.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's...You've had it twelve years?
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's a fine phone. Battery life of
          eleven seconds, which cuts the crap
          right out of conversations.
                        
         Something weird is happening. The world wobbles imperceptibly
         as the background drops away. She hasn't noticed yet.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          I can't believe these mofos who
          gotta keep up with the latest
          bullshit. CDs come along, so out
          with the vinyl. Vinyl's back in,
          out with the CDs. I just kept the
          vinyl. Way cheaper, and I get to be
          incredibly hip once every 20
          years....
                        
         A beat. She looks around. And down.
          50.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
                        
         Cutting wide, we see that the picnic was taking place on a
         grass covered platform with a tree planted in it - which is
         being lifted off the ground by a crane!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I couldn't decide between picnic in
          the park and dinner with a view. So
          it's a picnic in the sky! Isn't it
          ace?
                        
         The whole thing is rising higher and higher and higher.
                        
                         NAOMI
          No it is not ace, you crazy English
          bastard! This is dangerous!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Oh, sorry. Forgot. They said to put
          these on.
                        
         He pulls back the blanket to reveal seat belts. He straps her
         in.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                         (LAUGHING)
          Naomi, it's okay! It's very safe.
          It's this company called `Aerial
          Delights'. They specialise in
          catering unusual events at a height
          of 180 feet above the ground.
                        
         A gust of wind blows the structure, which swings. Naomi
         screams.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          So what got you into the walking
          tours?
                        
                         NAOMI
          You're seriously making date small
          talk while this is going on?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Be still. Breathe deep.
          (strikes a Zen pose)
          `When you can be calm in the midst
          of activity, this is the true state
          of nature': Huanchu Daoeren.
          51.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          `Lower this freak show to the
          ground and get me a cab': Naomi
          Snart.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (handing her something)
          Taste this truffle.
                        
         Naomi tastes it. It's clearly delicious. She gazes around as
         the crane swings them out over the Hudson. The view of
         Manhattan, of the river, of the Statue of Liberty, is mind
         bogglingly gorgeous from up here.
                        
         Naomi bursts out laughing. She sips champagne.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What the hell. Gotta go sometime,
          right? At least it won't be years
          of pain like mom. Just a few
          seconds of screaming and falling
          with a truffle in my mouth.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          So anyway. The tours...
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (CALMING HERSELF)
          Okay, okay. Be deep. Breathe still.
          The tours are a temporary nine year
          fill-in until I'm drowned in a
          tsunami of apologies from everyone
          who failed to recognise my writing
          genius first time round.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What did you write?
                        
                         NAOMI
          A kids' book. I sent a chapter to a
          childrens' publisher. Sunshine
          Press'. The rejection letter was
          the meanest thing I ever read.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Kids can be so cruel...
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (INTERRUPTING)
          Arthur? We have a problem.
          52.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I told you, don't worry. These
          crane people know what they're
          doing!
                        
                         NAOMI
          Not that kind of problem.
                        
         Arthur feels a blade at his throat. He looks up to see A
         JUNKIE, CLEARLY HIGH, standing over him.
                        
                         JUNKIE
          Phone. And the watch. Hurry.
                        
         Arthur hands him his phone and watch.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Um. Out of interest, how did you
          get up here?
                        
                         JUNKIE
          What you talkin' about, dog?
                        
         We see a sleeping bag and needles behind the tree!
                        
                         NAOMI
          Great. `Picnic in the sky' followed
          by `Robbed in the sky'!
                        
         Arthur get the giggles as the junkie reaches into his pocket
         for his wallet. Naomi gets involuntary giggles too.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          This isn't funny, you lunatic.
                        
         The junkie stuffs his face with food, swigs champagne from
         the bottle, then walks away. Phew. Then...
                        
          ARTHUR AND NAOMI
          NOOOO!
                        
         The junkie's walking towards the edge, oblivious! Arthur
         jumps up, causing the platform to wobble scarily. He grabs
         the junkie's arm. The junkie swipes, cutting Arthur's hand.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          OWWW! You don't understand! We're
          180 feet up in the sky!
                        
                         JUNKIE
                         (LAUGHS)
          You on the same shit as me, yeah?
          Good stuff, right?
          53.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No, we're not high! Well we are,
          but only in the literal sense.
                        
         The junkie hurries away again. He's about to walk off the
         edge. Arthur runs and grabs him. They end up in a messy
         struggle, the platform rocking badly.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                         (TO NAOMI)
          Hit the panic button! It's next to
          the truffle station!
                        
         Naomi's panicking, searching desperately. Arthur and the
         junkie roll over the posh food, right to the edge!
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Hurry!
                        
                         NAOMI
          I can't find it. Over here?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No! That's the bouquet of world
          hams!
                        
         Naomi finds the truffle station and hits the panic button.
         Down in a Crane Cab an alarm goes off. The driver starts to
         lower the platform.
                        
         Naomi tries to help Arthur as he struggles with the junkie,
         but she gets slashed on the ear. She screams.
                        
         As the platform lowers, it swings back over the river to the
         land and tips them all into the river!
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S CAR - NIGHT
                        
         Naomi and Arthur - his face bruised - are sitting in the car,
         both dripping wet. Naomi's ear and Arthur's hand are
         bandaged.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I had fun tonight.
                        
         She stares at him as if he's utterly crazy.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I can't believe I'm saying this,
          but so did I.
          54.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE - BALLROOM DAY
                        
         The room has started to fill with groom's paraphernalia -
         morning suits, top hats, shoes. Erica is sitting with a huge
         sheaf of wedding admin and brochures. Vivienne, Burt and
         Susan listen attentively, studying seating plans. It all
         feels more like a council of war than a wedding preparation.
                        
                         ERICA
          Summarising Phase Alpha: formal
          wear for bridal attendants, groom's
          attendants, mens' formal wear, St
          John the Divine all confirmed...
                        
         ARTHUR'S lying on a chaise longue, hungover. A TAILOR
         stretches a tape measure along him as if measuring a corpse.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (TO TAILOR)
          Are there breathing holes in the
          coffin?
                        
                         TAILOR
          I'm sorry?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          In case I'm passed out drunk rather
          than medically dead?
                        
                         ERICA
          Don't worry, Thomas. This whole
          thing's just a joke to Arthur.
                        
         Hobson brings Arthur a glass of water and two Nurofen.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (VERY AFFECTIONATE)
          Thanks, Hobnobs. You are good to
          me.
                        
         Vivienne, irritated, hands Hobson a coffee cup.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Take this away.
                         (TO ERICA)
          Progress on the reception?
                        
                         ERICA
          Black inked at the Emery Roth Room
          at the Ritz-Carlton.
                        
         The screen lights up with a church graphic.
          55.
                        
                        
                         ERICA (CONT'D)
          A first pass at the guest list.
          Bride's family and friends:
                        
         A 3-d layout of the church appears on a laptop. In the mock
         up, the bride's side of the aisle fills with hundreds of
         computerised guests, many labelled with famous names.
                        
                         ERICA (CONT'D)
          Groom's family and friends:
                        
         About a fifth of that number pop up on Arthur's side.
                        
                         ERICA (CONT'D)
          We can arrange to screen off the
          area behind your guests, Arthur. To
          make it seem less desperate.
                        
         Arthur groans and leans over a bowl.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry, everyone. that graphic's too
          colourful and this hangover's a 7.6
          on the Richter..the Sickter...
                        
         Arthur's sick. Erica lays out more sheets.
                        
                         ERICA
          Cakes, caterers, floral
          arrangements, photographer...
                        
         Hobson reappears, wipes his mouth and takes the bowl. She
         stands with it accidentally-on-purpose, very close to
         Vivienne's nose.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Will there be anything else, sir?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No, thanks.
                        
                         HOBSON
                         (TO VIVIENNE)
          Ma'am?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          No. You can leave.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Why all this crap now? What's the
          rush anyway?
                        
                         BURT
          The wedding is in a month, Arthur.
          56.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          A month? I was thinking more sort
          of ten, fifteen years. Just to
          really enjoy the anticipation of
          the big day.
                        
         Arthur gets up.
                        
                         ERICA
          Where are you going?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (gets out his cellphone)
          Sorry, Dwight D. Bridalshower,
          Operation Ball and Chain will have
          to wait.
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                        
         Arthur is walking Naomi along the Hudson, this time in
         daylight. He stops.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Here we are.
                        
                         NAOMI
          We're not going to end up in the
          Hudson again, are we?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I can promise you won't get wet.
                        
                         CUT TO:
                        
                        
         EXT. HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT
                        
         The Hudson is bare of craft....until, suddenly, a bizarre
         mini submarine shaped like a dolphin, dives out of the water
         in an arc. Arthur and Naomi are laughing inside it - until
         they almost collide with a Circle Tour boat full of tourists.
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur and Naomi are hand in hand, walking along the street.
         He's a bit drunk, wobbly on his feet, a little morose.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you okay?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Yeah, fine. Actually...
          57.
                        
                        
         But Naomi sees something on the other side of the road.
                        
         Arthur gets a a text from Hobson: `TELL her!'
                        
                         NAOMI
          Hey, Richey Rich. Want to go
          somewhere really romantic?
                        
         It's a big tacky shop: JACK'S 99 CENT STORE.
                        
                        
         INT. 99 CENT STORE - NIGHT
                        
         `I'M TOO SEXY' BY RIGHT SAID FRED PLAYING LOUDLY ON SPEAKERS.
                        
         The space is huge, garish and piled high with countless cheap
         household cleaners, candies, foodstuffs and toys. Arthur's
         fascinated, a tourist in austerity.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Everything is 99 cents?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Yip. A whole penny less than those
          bourgeois assholes at the Dollar
          Store.
                        
         Arthur reads a doll's label.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          `Warning: This product contains
          chromium, which may be linked to
          chronic bronchitis and reproductive
          hazards."
                        
                         NAOMI
          That one was on the news. Everyone
          else recalled them, the pussies.
          Not my 99 Cent!
                        
         Arthur turns the doll over: a sticker reads `China'.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Maybe China's trying to wipe out
          the west's children one by one.
                        
         He gazes around in wonder.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Oh, I love this place.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Why?
          58.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          Well, I'd like you to believe it's
          because I'm a poor girl reduced to
          buying `Depressed Chef' burgers-in-
          a-can to Right Said Fred because I
          don't know where my next paycheck
          is coming from. But the truth is -
          bargains get me hot. Got it from
          ma. Drives my dad crazy. The tour?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Yes please.
                        
         She takes his arm.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Looking west, the ladies' hygiene
          products. Note that the more
          natural-sounding the name, e.g.
          this 'Vermont Breeze' Feminine
          Spray, the more lethal chemicals it
          contains. Watch out for the
          products cunningly labelled to make
          the dumber consumer think they're
          getting the real thing: 'Special
          J', 'Crampbell's Soup', Aunt
          Janina's' Maple-Style Syrup...
                        
         Arthur holds a tin with a Coffee Mate-style logo, reading
         `Friend of Coffee'.
                        
         The store music changes to RICKY MARTIN: `LIVIN' LA VIDA
                        LOCA'
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          And ah, the music: Dated sounds for
          lonely people to buy cheap shit to.
                        
         They pass AN OLD WOMAN who is going through a stack of
         identical tins of cheap beans.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          I once watched a woman shoplift an
          8-pack of toilet scrubbers down her
          panty hose to 'Everything I do, I
          do it for you'.
                        
         Arthur just stares at Naomi.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Why are you staring at me?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Just fascinated.
          59.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          You're good at fascinated.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You're good at fascinating.
                        
         A CRASH. The old woman has knocked over all the beans.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Are you okay? Let me help you.
                        
         He hands her a tin.
                        
                         OLD WOMAN
          Not that one.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (offers her another)
          This one?
                        
                         OLD WOMAN
          (shaking the tin)
          No. There's less beans in it.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          This one?
                        
                         OLD WOMAN
          (sniffs the tin)
          No.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          This one?
                        
         She stares and thinks. Arthur puts the tin to his ear.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          No. I think I hear a mouse inside.
                        
         Arthur shakes and sniffs another tin.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Oh my G-d. This is a good one. No
          rodents. Packed.
                        
         He slips her a dollar and whispers to her.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Quick, before someone gets it.
                        
         Naomi gazes at a different Arthur to the fool who nearly got
         her killed.
          60.
                        
                        
                         OLD WOMAN
                         (TO NAOMI)
          You got a good one here, honey.
                        
         She hurries away.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Look. Us in a year's time.
                        
         ANOTHER OLD COUPLE push a cart past. THE OLD WOMAN sneezes.
         The old man produces a tissue and gently wipes her nose.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          If you got ill, I'd care for you.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I'll get ill.
                        
         The music changes.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Oh, man, Phil Collins. Gotta get
          out when they start playing Phil
          Collins. Want to see how to get a
          quarter from a shopping cart?
                        
                        
         INT. HIGH END RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur, Susan and Erica - her laptop open - are at dinner.
         Hobson's salting Arthur's soup, then checking the
         temperature.
                        
                         ERICA
          Tiger Woods has confirmed!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I didn't know you knew him.
                        
                         SUSAN
          I don't.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Why is he coming?
                        
                         SUSAN
          He agreed to daddy's fee. This is
          going to be the happiest day of my
          life!
                        
         She looks at Hobson.
                        
                         SUSAN (CONT'D)
          Why is she here all the time?
          61.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          If you can bring Erica, I can bring
          Hobson.
                        
                         SUSAN
          She's my wedding planner.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          She's my Hobson.
                        
         Hobson leans into Arthur while tidying his napkin.
                        
                         HOBSON
                         (WHISPERING)
          Tell Naomi. That's an order.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
                        
         Arthur's giving stunned Naomi a tour of the huge apartment.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Reminiscent of a French castle
          perched 500 feet above New York,
          the penthouse was known from early
          days as the `Chateau in the Sky'.
                        
         He leads her out onto a second rooftop ballroom.
                        
                         NAOMI
          A second ballroom. Obviously. Gotta
          have a second ballroom.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Where George Gershwin and the
          Astors danced to Shep Fields and
          his Rippling Rhythm Orchestra.
                        
         He grabs her in a ballroom dance move.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Come on, cheap girl. We can be Fred
          Austere and Stingy Rogers.
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (PULLING AWAY)
          I just need one of your collection
          of bathrooms.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Behind the telephone box fish tank.
          See you on the balcony.
          62.
                        
                        
         Arthur goes onto the balcony. Naomi's notices a figure
         sitting in the dark, stifling a cough. Hobson.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Hobson?
                        
                         HOBSON
          He's not like other men, you know.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I think I realised that as I
          plunged into the Hudson with a
          junkie. But I like him. He's fun.
                        
         Hobson fights another little cough. She gets up.
                        
                         HOBSON
          I know he is. That's the problem.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What does that mean?
                        
                         HOBSON
          I'm sure Arthur will explain.
                        
                        
         EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT
                        
         The live version of Simon and Garfunkel's `The 59th Street
         Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy') is playing on speakers. Arthur
         and Naomi look out over the view, the park, dark and empty in
         contrast to the cheering and clapping on the recording.
                        
         Naomi sips her wine. Arthur throws back a whisky.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Your kids' book. What was it about?
                        
                         NAOMI
          `Vlad the Inhaler'. About an
          asthmatic boy detective.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Be serious.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Oh, it was dumb. `The Boy Whose
          Heart Escaped'. It was about this
          kid who wakes up to find his heart
          has climbed out and is shinning
          down the drainpipe to freedom.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I love it.
          63.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          Rainbow Press said it was too
          disturbing. But it wasn't literal -
          there wasn't a kid lying there with
          a gaping hole in his chest. It was
          just this cute little heart
          bouncing up and down shouting `You
          can't catch me, mofo!'. I'm
          paraphrasing.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Did he catch the heart?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Never got that far.
                        
         Arthur wobbles a little more.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          You like the hooch, don't you?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Only if I'm sad, happy or bored.
          There's this bit in a book Hobson
          used to read me as a kid that says
          it all: `We must stop eating
          cookies, Frog!' cried Toad, as he
          ate another.'
                        
                         NAOMI
          Frog and Toad! I loved Frog and
          Toad!
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (FROM MEMORY)
          `Frog put the cookies in a box.
          `There' he said. Now we will not
          eat any more cookies.' `But we can
          open the box.' Frog tied some
          string around the box. `There' he
          said, `Now we will not eat any more
          cookies'. `But we can cut the
          string and open the box'.
                        
         Naomi lays her head on Arthur's shoulder.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          So Frog took the box outside. He
          shouted in a loud voice, `Hey
          birds, here are cookies!' Birds
          came from everywhere. They picked
          up all the cookies in their beaks
          and flew away. `
                         (MORE)
          64.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Now we have no more cookies to eat'
          `Excellent!' said Toad, `I am going
          home now to bake a cake.'
                         (BEAT)
          Classic addict.
                        
         They might be about to kiss. But Arthur holds back.
                        
                         NAOMI
          That was beautiful. It's like you
          read it yesterday.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - LATER
                        
         Arthur's blissed out face, lying in bed in the soft light.
                        
                         HOBSON (OOV)
          Frog and Toad stayed on the island
          all afternoon.
                        
         Hobson's reading `Frog and Toad' to Arthur.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          They ate wet sandwiches without
          iced tea. They were two close
          friends sitting alone together.
                        
         Hobson closes the book and turns out the light.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I couldn't tell her, Hobson. She
          isn't the Komodo dragon. She's my
          toad.
                        
                         HOBSON
          You're quite sure about this?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Yes.
                        
                         HOBSON
          (under her breath)
          Oh, bollocks.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY
                        
         Naomi's sitting with Ralph, who's scratching off lottery
         tickets.
          65.
                        
                        
                         RALPH
          I don't know, honey. What's this
          teabag even doing here? Couldn't he
          make it in Lord of the Rings land?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Not that it matters, but he's a
          billionaire.
                        
                         RALPH
          You have my full permission to
          marry him.
                        
                        
         EXT. SHOWJUMPING FIELD. DAY
                        
         A HORSE clears a showjumping barrier. Grant applauds.
                        
                         GRANT
          Bravo, Vivienne! Well done!
                        
         Arthur's watching, sweating in the sunshine, while Marty and
         Hobson wait in the Bentley.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'd be wary, Grant. She's planning
          to ride you around the course next.
          Her last boyfriend broke his ankle
          jumping that ditch. Had to be
          destroyed on the spot.
                        
         Vivienne canters her horse up to them.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur. What's so urgent that you
          had to come all the way out here?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm in love. With a woman who isn't
          exactly who you'd describe as
          Susan. She's called Naomi.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur, we've been through this!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Won't you at least meet her?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          What family is she from?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The Snarts of Detroit.
          66.
                        
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Never heard of them.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No, because they're normal. She's a
          walking tour guide, her dad's a
          retired car worker.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Susan will generate quality sons,
          not oil-soaked car monkeys.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Unbelievable! Why don't you just
          keep me here, pay a servant to wank
          me into a bottle once a day...
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          ...then inject it all into a field
          of heiresses and see who farts out
          a thoroughbred first?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          We need an heir!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Fine! You can have one with Stevey
          Steroids here! Surely even your
          uterus has had a face lift by now.
                        
         Arthur storms away towards the car.
                        
                         GRANT
                         (STEPPING IN)
          That's enough, Arthur...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          None of your business, J Crew.
                        
                         GRANT
          You are so ungrateful to your
          mother. She adores you!
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur. Come back here.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You can shove your inheritance up
          your horse's arse!
          67.
                        
                        
         Arthur jumps into the car and it pulls away. Vivienne sits
         shocked on her horse. But then she throws it into a gallop
         and catches up.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Suit yourself, Arthur. Follow your
          heart. But do be aware I consider
          what you've squandered so far an
          advance on your inheritance. That's
          about $17 million.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Why would you do that? You'd never
          get it back.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          No. But you'd spend the rest of
          your life in court. There's a
          simple solution to all this. Marry
          Susan. And cheat with the nobody
          from Queens.
                        
                        
         INT. DINER - DAY
                        
         Arthur's very drunk, maudlin, sitting opposite Naomi. He's
         holding his menu upside down.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Have you been at the cookies?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I ate the whole jar.
                        
                         NAOMI
          (realising it's serious)
          Oh, man. What? What?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm engaged. To another Susan.
          Woman. Engaged to another woman.
                        
         She slams her menu down.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What are you talking about? This is
          bullshit. Who do you think you are?
          Is this some rich guy thing?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I was going to tell you! I just...
          68.
                        
                        
         Naomi gets up and puts on her coat.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Yeah, yeah, you just.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Please, Naomi! I didn't mean for it
          to get to this! I planned to just
          be your friend but then I started
          to fall for you and I thought `I
          can't marry Susan, I might fall for
          Naomi!' But I thought `No I have to
          marry Susan or I'll be poor so I
          won't fall for Naomi' But then I
          did fall for you! Because you're
          brainy and funny and gorgeous and
          too smart to do walking tours.
          You're too smart, Snart. Smart
          Snart. There's a 99 cent cereal.
                         (BEAT)
          Anyway, so I went to see Vivienne,
          and I said `I can't marry Susan, I
          love Naomi she's my Frog my Toad' I
          don't know any more.
                        
                         NAOMI
          You're frog.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Thanks. Then she said `Noooo, if
          you don't marry Susan, I'll make
          you pay all the inheritance money
          back even if you can't - ha ha ha'.
          Okay she didn't laugh but she might
          as well have, the evil cow. Because
          it's like all the money ever and
          they'll put not just me but both of
          us in prison and your dad, like in
          Dickens. There'll be ghosts, and
          Oliver and....
                        
         He stops, his mouth flapping like a fish.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Maybe if I'd spotted this facet of
          your personality earlier we
          wouldn't be having this
          conversation.
                        
         She heads towards the door. Arthur regains his lucidity for a
         moment.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Toad? Stay a bit longer. Please?
          69.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          Why?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          'cause it'll reduce the proportion
          of my life I'll spend feeling
          utterly miserable.
                        
         Naomi watches him take another big slug of wine.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Bye, Arthur.
                        
         Arthur looks confused.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Bea Arthur? What's she got to do
          with all this?
                        
         She shakes her head and goes.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                        
         Naomi's looking very sad, shaking - because she's comforting
         Ralph, who is sobbing on her shoulder.
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's going to be okay. I'll get you
          a beer, yeah?
                        
                         RALPH
          I just have to be alone for a
          minute...Oh, G-d, I can't bear
          it...
                        
                        
         INT. DANE COOK CONCERT - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur sits miserable, drinking, as he sits beside Susan at a
         Dane Cook gig.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
                        
         Naomi's been crying. She's reading the screen of an ancient
         Apple Mac: `THE BOY WHOSE HEART ESCAPED' by N J Snart. She
         reads a paragraph - and smiles. This stuff isn't so bad.
          70.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE - BALLROOM - NIGHT.
                        
         Arthur and Susan are getting a dance lesson from a
         CHOREOGRAPHER, clicking her fingers to a club anthem version
         of the awful Jefferson Starship song. Arthur dances terribly.
                        
         Hobson watches sadly.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
                        
         Naomi's typing, getting back into it.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
                        
         The tailor is positioning a top hat on Arthur's miserable
         head. He's shirtless and unshaven.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY
                        
         The sun is coming up over Queens.
                        
         An ancient dot matrix printer spits out a final page. Naomi
         is at a desk with A PILE OF FINISHED MANUSCRIPTS and
         envelopes to various publishers. One is to `Rainbow Press'.
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                        
         Naomi's pointing at the Chrysler Building for a particularly
         grumpy bunch of tourists of all types and ages.
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (YAWNS)
          Designed by William Van Allen and
          inspired by the machine age of the
          1920s, the Chrysler...
                        
          RUDE MALE TOURIST
          Hey. I got a question.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Please, interrupt. Hell, who wants
          to come home with me and butt in
          with questions while I'm watching
          Letterman? `Yo. How tall is Dave?'
                         (BEAT)
          Sorry, sir. Late night, no sleep,
          long day. What's your question?
          71.
                        
                        
         The opening bars of a familiar song start up somewhere,
         filling the street. Suddenly, some of the members of her tour
         group start lip syncing to Phil Collins.
                        
          RUDE MALE TOURIST
          How can I just let you walk away,
          just let you leave without a trace?
                        
                         FEMALE TOURIST
          When I stand here taking every
          breath with you, ooh...
                        
                         MALE TOURIST 2
          You're the only one who really knew
          me at all.
                        
         A van with speakers on the top is parked nearby, pumping out
         the music.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What is going on?
                        
          OLD FEMALE TOURIST
          How can you just walk away from me,
          when all I can do is watch you
          leave?
                        
          TEENAGE BOY TOURIST
          'cause we've shared the laughter
          and the pain...
                        
                         NEWSSTAND GUY
          And even shared the tears.
                        
         A Yellow Cab goes by, the driver lip-syncing out the window.
                        
          NEWSSTAND GUY (CONT'D)
          You're the only one who really knew
          me at all.
                        
         The song hits a hard club mix. Arthur bursts from the back of
         the van in a frog outfit! The `tourists' launch into a well-
         rehearsed dance.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (lip syncing too)
          So take a look at me now, 'cause
          there's just an empty space.
          And there's nothing left here to
          remind me, just the memory of your
          face.
                         (MORE)
          72.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Take a look at me now, `cause
          there's just an empty space, And
          you coming back to me is against
          all odds and that's what I've got
          to face...Just take a look at me
          now.
                        
         The song builds to a dance crescendo.
                        
         A magical moment. The crowd watches. How can she say no?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Sorry to be a wet blanket, folks.
          he's getting married. But I guess
          he didn't choreograph that bit for
          you.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But..but this took ages to
          rehearse. I had the frog outfit
          specially made. These aren't actual
          tourists.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I gathered that, Arthur. Are you
          capable of doing anything without
          it being a grand gesture?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What do you mean?
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's like Hobson said. You're not
          like other men. If you were normal,
          if the money and the booze didn't
          cloud everything, you'd deal with
          the fact that you're engaged,
          rather than just looking for ways
          to win me back. But it was a lovely
          routine, really. Fantastic outfit.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I just wanted to see you.
                        
         He takes out his flask and has a swig.
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (SYMPATHETIC)
          You need to see someone, Arthur.
          Seriously.
          73.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE. SHOWER - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur's in his cuboid David Blaine shower. He picks up his
         binoculars.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson! Female Tom Hanks has had a
          haircut! Hobson?
                        
         But Marty pipes up on the little inset Hobson screen. He
         looks at a note in Hobson's handwriting.
                        
                         MARTY
          It says here you shouldn't forget
          to clean your junk. I guess that's
          what...'genitahlio-ah' is.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Marty? What are you doing there?
                        
                         MARTY
          Hobson left me in charge. She's
          gone to bed. She had a headache.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          She's had quite a few headaches
          lately.
                        
                         MARTY
          She blacked out.
                        
                        
         INT. HOBSON'S ROOM. DAY
                        
         Hobson's in bed, watching a Discovery Channel documentary
         about grizzly bears. Arthur hits pause.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Put my bears back on, Arthur.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Not until you answer my question.
                        
         Hobson closes her eyes. She hams the next bit.
                        
                         HOBSON
          I'm travelling down a white tunnel.
          To - a garden? Mother? Father? Why
          is it so hot? Who's the red
          gentleman with the big pitchfork?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Will you cut it out?
          74.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur. There are three books. This
          is important. Take them back to the
          library...
                        
         She feigns a melodramatic death.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson, please. Don't die any more.
          It's getting very boring.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur. Old women, like bears, get
          sore heads. Are you okay? You look
          a little lost.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Naomi doesn't want to see me.
                        
                         HOBSON
          A terrible shame she had to go. A
          little tart like that could have
          saved you a fortune in prostitutes.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Listen, old woman. Don't ever talk
          about Naomi that way again. What
          gives you the right to be such a
          snob? You're just...you're just...
          Mary Poppins with a menopause!
                        
         Arthur storms out, slamming the door. But within 10 seconds
         he returns, humbled, ashamed - a regretful naughty child.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Hobson, I've never raised my voice
          to you. I'm sorry.
                        
                         HOBSON
          I'm sorry too. You know, Arthur,
          you may be growing up.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Do you want anything?
                        
                         HOBSON
          I want to be younger.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry, it's your job to be older.
                         (THINKS)
          Hobson. If you're feeling better
          tomorrow, will you accompany me
          somewhere?
          75.
                        
                        
         She pats his hand gently.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Of course, Arthur.
                        
                        
         INT. CAR - DAY
                        
         Marty and Hobson are staring, bemused.
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          How do I look?
                        
         Arthur's wearing a huge, ludicrous wig and beard. Hobson and
         Marty fight giggles.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          I can't have this getting out. I'm
          in the public eye.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Yes, it would be disastrous to harm
          such a dignified profile.
                        
         He looks, scared, at the building.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          It's going to be okay, Arthur.
                        
                        
         INT. AA MEETING - DAY
                        
         AA MEMBERS are sitting in a circle. MEGAN, a respectable-
         looking, smart woman, is speaking.
                        
                         MEGAN
          I was waking up four, five, six
          mornings a week in different mens'
          beds...
                        
         Arthur (in his ludicrous disguise), Hobson and Marty enter.
                        
                         MEGAN (CONT'D)
          I wanted to die. To be nobody.
                        
                        
         INT. AA MEETING - DAY - LATER
                        
         A man, JAMES, speaks emotionally.
                        
                         JAMES
          I steal from my friends, my family.
          I sold my son's pedal car so I
          could score junk...
          76.
                        
                        
         Arthur - utterly depressed - has his head in his hands.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Jesus....
                        
                         JAMES
          I accidentally backed my car over
          my mother outside Walgreens...
                        
         Marty chuckles. He tries to fist-bump James.
                        
                         HOBSON
                         (WHISPERS)
          Marty! This isn't a sports bar in
          Chicago. These people aren't here
          to brag.
                        
                         JAMES
                         (SOBBING)
          I had a business, a home and it's
          all gone! I'm in this fucking grave
          and they're pouring the earth in!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Whoooaaahh. Okay, cut. I don't know
          about anyone else, but this isn't
          exactly killing my thirst.
                        
                         LEADER
          Well why did you come...What's your
          name?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Gandalf.
                        
         Arthur thinks. Seriousness - his least favourite thing - is
         upon him. He takes a deep breath. But -
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          I'm sorry, you're not going to
          convince me my life isn't fun.
                         (TO JAMES)
          And no offence but if I ran over my
          mother, I'd be out celebrating.
          Which is what I plan to do right
          now. Come on, Hobson. Marty.
                        
         Arthur leaves, the door swinging behind him.
                        
          WOMAN (O.S)
          I'm Jane. And I believe I have a
          dependence on alcohol...
                        
         The woman confessing is Hobson - on Arthur's behalf!
          77.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          ...and because I have done nothing
          with the astonishing opportunities
          handed to me, apart from pissing
          away my inheritance and drinking
          enough to kill a rhino.
                        
         Arthur, having heard, comes back in.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          But imagine being me! I once ended
          up in bed with the daughters of
          three of the Rolling Stones. But a)
          I don't remember a thing about it,
          b) apparently I was sick on two of
          the women before c) losing control
          of my bladder on the third. All
          such fun...until the strangers I
          pay to be my friends have gone, the
          fog parts and there's a hole so
          big, you could pour all the
          champagne in the world into it and
          never fill it up. But I've got so
          much potential, a good heart, I'm a
          good person, even if I've
          completely wasted my short,
          precious life because I somehow
          convinced myself that happiness is
          a Komodo dragon, a case of booze
          and the memory of having once
          stripped naked to Beethoven for a
          coachload of German tourists who I
          met outside the Rainforest Cafe.
                        
         She's done. An awkward silence.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's always the quiet ones.
                        
                        
         EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - DAY
                        
         The car drives through Manhattan.
                        
                        
         INT. CAR - DAY
                        
         Arthur stares out of the window, beaten, drunk.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Thanks, Hobson. Maybe you can go
          every time I crave a drink?
          78.
                        
                        
         Hobson doesn't even crack a smile. Arthur gets out his phone
         and scrolls - past Naomi's name, to Susan's. He dials.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Susan? Look, I know the wedding
          date is set. But fancy bringing it
          forward? I just want to get it over
          with. In a good way. Think about
          it, yeah?
                        
         He ends the call. Silence. He looks to Hobson.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          It's the agony of possibility,
          Hobson. It just hurts too much to
          know I could still be with Naomi if
          I had the guts.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Just promise you'll never ask me to
          sleep with Susan for you.
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
                        
         Naomi's riding the bus. Her phone rings. `Number withheld'.
         She rolls her eyes and answers.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur, if that's...
                         (BEAT)
          Hello? Yes. Yes, I did...Yes.
          Sorry? Really? Well I worked pretty
          hard on it..Love to...Love
          to...What time?
                        
         Incredibly excited, she grabs a pen and writes on a walking
         tours brochure: `JULIAN BARBER...RAINBOW PRESS...'
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          I'll call in dead to work. Bye.
                        
         She writes `TUESDAY 11.30' and an address.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - DAY
                        
         There's a ring at the doorbell. Ralph answers. It's Hobson.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Good afternoon, Mr Snart. Is Naomi
          here?
          79.
                        
                        
                         RALPH
          You must be the nanny.
                        
                         HOBSON
          I must be.
                        
         Ralph embraces her.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          Please stop this, I can't inhale
          and am in danger of treading on one
          of your knuckles.
                        
         Ralph releases her.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          If you and your undershirt would
          walk two paces back I could enter
          this dwelling.
                        
         Naomi appears, looking more of a writer than a tour guide.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Well, well.
                        
                         RALPH
          Ever since I met Arthur I liked
          him. We have to make sure these two
          wonderful kids stay together...
                        
                         HOBSON
          Try not to talk. It's not your
          words but the breath which bears
          them. Perhaps you could repair to
          the East Wing and make me a cup of
          tea? I wish to speak to Naomi.
                        
                         RALPH
          Sure, sure.
                        
         Ralph leaves.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur is having a pre-wedding
          party tonight. You should come.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Oh, should I? Are all the other
          girls he passed up going too?
                        
         Hobson picks up a letter from Rainbow Press and peruses it.
          80.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          Don't you want to show Arthur how
          well you're doing?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Tell him thanks, but I have a
          deadline.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur doesn't know I'm here. He's
          far too decent to be involved in
          something so tawdry. You could
          bring your father. A magical
          experience before he's too big to
          leave this apartment.
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (DISBELIEF)
          Why would I go to this? Why would I
          do that to myself?
                        
                         HOBSON
          My dear, if there's one thing old
          women can tell, it's young men in
          love. And the food promises to be
          breathtakingly free.
                        
         Hobson has a slight dizzy spell and sits down.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you alright?
                        
                         HOBSON
          Better than you, dear.
                        
                         NAOMI
          You really look out for Arthur,
          don't you?
                        
                         HOBSON
          Yes. And it is a job that I
          recommend highly.
                        
         Ralph comes back and with a cup of disgusting-looking tea.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          You really look out for this
          gentleman, from what I've heard.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Ah, what am I gonna do? The no-kill
          pet shelter won't take him.
                        
         Ralph hands Hobson the cup of tea.
          81.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          Thank you. Would you go the
          bathroom and commence washing? You
          only have three hours and it could
          be quite a project.
                        
         Ralph goes. Naomi takes the tea.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I appreciate what you're trying to
          do but I'm not going to that party.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Suit yourself.
                        
         Hobson gets up, still dizzy.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Have you seen a doctor?
                        
                         HOBSON
          Yes. And he has seen me.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I think Arthur has a very good
          friend. May I kiss you on the
          cheek?
                        
                         HOBSON
          Is it something you feel strongly
          about?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Yes.
                        
         But Hobson falls back into her chair heavily, looking sicker.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          Dad! Call 911.
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT
                        
         HORDES OF SMARTLY-DRESSED RICH PEOPLE are gathering on Burt
         Johnson's mansion for the society night of the year. A high-
         level security presence is much in evidence.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHNSON MANSION. BALLROOM - NIGHT
                        
         A LIVE BAND plays a cheesy soft-rock version of `Addicted to
         Love'. ARISTOCRATS mingle with CRASS NEW MONEY TYPES mingle
         with TIGER WOODS. The band finishes the song.
          82.
                        
                        
                         VOCALIST
          Thanks. We're going to move things
          up tempo now with `The Only Thing
          That Looks Good On Me Is You.'
                        
         The band start playing again. Partygoers hit the dance floor.
         Vivienne, Susan, Burt and Erica pass a huge ice statue of
         Susan and Arthur in a loving embrace and amazing catering.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Splendid affair, Susan.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Don't thank me, thank Erica.
                        
         Erica shrugs modestly. Arthur appears. Burt puts a big burly
         arm around him and squeezes him a little too hard.
                        
                        
         EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT
                        
         Naomi climbs out of a crappy cab. She's on her phone.
                        
                         NAOMI
          With all due respect, Hobson,
          you're talking out of your frumpy
          English ass. Arthur needs to know!
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Hobson's in bed looking ill. Ralph's fussing over her pillow.
         Hobson slaps him away.
                        
                         HOBSON
          You are not to pull him out of that
          party on my behalf.
                         (BEAT)
          Hello? Naomi!
                        
         But Naomi's gone. Ralph tries to plump the pillow again.
                        
                         RALPH
          You're gonna get through this,
          babe. Then who knows what the
          future may hold?
                        
                        
         EXT. PARTY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi hurries past A DOOR MAN with a clipboard.
                        
                         DOOR MAN
          Excuse me, madam. Name? Madam?
          83.
                        
                        
         Naomi grabs the arm of A MALE GUEST.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Snart plus one.
                        
         She hurries in with the bemused, but delighted man. The DOOR
         MAN checks his clipboard.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi enters the party, releasing the man, who's disappointed
         to see her go. She looks around for Arthur, getting admiring
         looks from other men - and women.
                        
                         PASSING WOMAN
          Nice dress. Vera Wang?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Ross Dress For Less. You know where
          Arthur is?
                        
                         PASSING WOMAN
                         (SHRUGS)
          Sorry.
                        
         Naomi moves on. The Door Man appears, looking around for the
         gatecrasher. The man whose arm she took on the way in - he's
         called JUSTIN - is also on the prowl for her...
                        
                        
         INT. JOHNSON MANSION. BALLROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Burt takes to the stage to applause.
                        
                         BURT
          When Arthur proposed to my
          daughter, I was overjoyous. The
          Bach-Templemeads are my kind of
          people: classy. Respectable. Well
          spoken. People like in Shakespeare
          in Love, who esprouse the same
          values I have always upheld both in
          my business and spiritual life. But
          tonight isn't about me or America's
          leading independent formula brand.
                        
         Arthur takes the stage to wild applause.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Thank you, Burt! I've actually
          prepared a little surprise song
          with my friends here.
          84.
                        
                        
         The band starts playing `Close To You' by the Carpenters.
         Arthur sings to Susan, down in the crowd.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Why does cash suddenly appear,
          every time you are near?
                        
         The audience laugh.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Just like me, it longs to be, close
          to Sue. Why do cars fall out of the
          sky, all of which, I can buy...
                         (STOPS)
          I'll sing a proper song.
                         (SINGS)
          You say potayto and I say potahto,
          You say tomayto and I say tomahto,
          potayto, potahto, tomayto, tomahto,
          Let's call the whole thing off! You
          say AA, and I say `no way', you say
          `Red Bull' and I say `Go away,
          Rehab, No way, Red Bull...
                        
                        
         INT. JOHNSON MANSION - ANOTHER LARGE ROOM
                        
         JUSTIN approaches Naomi, who's still looking around for
         Arthur.
                        
                         JUSTIN
          We meet again!
                        
                         NAOMI
          Yeah. Have you seen Arthur?
                        
                         JUSTIN
          The ballroom. I'll take you to him.
                        
         Justin takes Naomi's arm and leads her at a leisurely pace.
         They pass a portrait of Susan.
                        
                         JUSTIN (CONT'D)
          I'm so happy for Arthur and Susan.
                        
         Justin points at a portrait of Susan.
                        
                         JUSTIN (CONT'D)
          Isn't she beautiful?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Of course she is. Why would Arthur
          marry a pig?
          85.
                        
                        
         The Door Man appears, seeing Naomi.
                        
                         JUSTIN
          What business is your family in?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Hm? Oh, I'm the heiress to a
          fortune built on small pets.
                        
                         JUSTIN
          I'm sorry?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Hamsters, mice, doglets...
                        
                         JUSTIN
          Doglets?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Tiny dogs. The technology's not
          perfect. Seeing a horse the size of
          a can of soup fall dead before your
          eyes - that shit stays with you.
                        
         They walk through a door, ending up in a garden.
                        
                        
         EXT. GARDEN - NIGHT
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you sure he's this way?
                        
                         JUSTIN
          Absolutely.
                        
         Naomi turns to A WOMAN.
                        
                         NAOMI
          (to a WOMAN)
          Excuse me. Have you seen Arthur?
                        
                         WOMAN
          That way. The ballroom.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Bye, Justin.
                        
         Naomi hurries away - running straight into the Door Man.
                        
                         DOOR MAN
          Excuse me, madam. You're not an
          authorized guest.
          86.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          I know that. I'm here to give
          Arthur some very important news.
                        
                         DOOR MAN
          Of course you are.
          (takes her arm)
          Shall we discuss this outside?
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (SHOUTS)
          Get your hands off me!
                        
         They tussle. Arthur intercedes.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's okay, Jeff. She can stay.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur, can I talk to you?
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT - LATER
                        
         A MAN IN A WHITE COAT is on the phone beside Hobson's bed.
                        
          MAN IN A WHITE COAT
          We ran tests. It was just a dizzy
          spell. We'll be sending her home
          tonight.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But what about the other blackouts?
                        
         Hobson snatches the phone from the Man in a White Coat.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur, I'm fine. Do not leave that
          party.
                        
                        
         INT. JOHNSON MANSION - DRAWING ROOM - DAY
                        
         Arthur's on the phone, coat on, in a big empty panelled room.
                        
          HOBSON (O.S, OFF)
          Especially now that Naomi is there.
                        
         The call ends. Arthur looks across at Naomi, at the other end
         of the room, looking so beautiful.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          She's fine. They're sending her
          home. Do you want a drink?
          87.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          No, thanks, Arthur. I should go.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But you came all this way. There's
          ridiculously fancy food, there's...
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur. Please. Can you just call
          me a cab?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You're a cab.
                        
         No laughter this time. It's not funny. He takes out his
         iPhone again. Stares at it.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Shit. Hobson usually...
                        
                         NAOMI
          Orders cabs to take the girls away?
                        
         Arthur's busted. He scrolls the phone for a cab number.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Thank you for coming all this way.
          I'm sorry for all the stupid
          presents and calls and gestures.
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's okay.
                        
         Naomi looks up at a portrait of Burt and young, prissy, but
         beautiful Susan.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          She was a looker from the get-go.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What were you like as a kid?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Nuts. I thought the moon followed
          me. I would walk and think the moon
          went any place that I did. I
          thought it meant something special
          would happen. So I've been waiting.
          What an ass.
                        
         Arthur sees a sound system. He goes over and plugs his iPhone
         into it, then takes Naomi in his arms.
          88.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Dance?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur. We've been through this.
          Call that cab please.
                        
         Arthur looks down into her eyes and hits `PLAY' on his
         iPhone. Music starts: it's not a slow, smoochy song but big,
         brassy and upbeat.
                        
         MUSIC: `NELLIE THE ELEPHANT' BY MANDY MILLER
                        
         Arthur ballroom dances Naomi at speed around the room.
                        
                         MANDY MILLER
          To Bombay, a travelling circus
          came, they brought an intelligent
          elephant and Nellie was her name...
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (LAUGHING)
          What the bejeezus is this?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson used to sing it to me.
                         (SINGING ALONG)
          One dark night, she slipped her
          iron chain. Off she ran to
          Hindustan and was never seen again.
          Nellie the Elephant packed her
          bags, And said goodbye to the
          circus, Off she went with a
          trumpety trump, Trump trump
          trump...
                        
         It's energetic, wonderful, as romantic as any slow dance.
         They stop dancing. Arthur stares at Naomi. At last, they
         kiss. But the music stops. It's Vivienne.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Is this the tour guide?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          She's a writer.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Is this the Vivienne?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Crowded field, writing.
          89.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Maybe someone will see her
          potential.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          We all know who's seen her
          potential.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Meaning?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Oh, of course, you don't know, do
          you?
                        
         Arthur suddenly goes pale.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Vivienne, please. Don't...
                        
                         NAOMI
          What is going on here?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          My son became fond of you. You're
          not the first. Or the last, I
          imagine. Anyway I was scanning his
          monthly expenses - which always
          makes for entertaining reading, all
          those gifts for all those girls -
          and found he'd bought an entire
          publishing company called...what
          was it now? Rainbow Press.
                        
                         NAOMI
          You bought Rainbow press? So you
          could tell them to publish my book?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          He knows people, dear. I'm sure you
          do too, though the people you know
          tend not to own books, let alone
          publishers. Arthur, I trust we'll
          see you back at the party? Susan's
          a little worried.
                        
         Vivienne leaves. Naomi storms away. Arthur chases.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          NAOMI! PLEASE! I didn't think I
          would ever see you again. I was
          just trying to give you some...
          90.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (GASPS)
          Confidence? Self esteem isn't a
          gift, Arthur! It isn't a fur coat
          or a thousand billion orchids or an
          apartment made from truffles or
          whatever else you rich freaks use
          to express love!
                        
         Arthur looks incredibly hurt.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I do express love! I love you!
                        
                         NAOMI
          Don't say that!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You just told me to! And stop going
          on about me being rich! You think
          it's easy being trapped by money?
                        
         Naomi gets her old phone out. She speaks into it.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Hello, Amnesty? Come quick!
          Arthur's being held against his
          will in Guantamoney Bay!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Abu Greed?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Stop riffing with me! How dare you
          do what you did. I didn't need your
          money to feel good about myself!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No. Being cheap gives you that.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Huh?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          At least I'm prepared to have fun.
          To live. I'm not all `Oooh look at
          me with my antique food, aren't I
          cool?' And...and...your phone's
          RUBBISH! It's made of bits of old
          doorbell and vibrator, I bet you
          can only get calls from 1994 on it!
          91.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
                         (BOILS OVER)
          As long as I don't get any from a
          drunk, rich fuck up like you!
                        
         A door opens.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Hello? I heard shouting.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I'm an employee of Arthur's. I came
          to complain about the conditions.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Naomi, please...
                        
                         NAOMI
          Mr Bach-Templemead, I know you
          thought putting half and half in
          the staff kitchen was an
          improvement.
                         (REALLY ANGRY)
          But some people prefer Coffee Mate!
          You were disrespectful. I quit!
                        
         Naomi walks away, slamming a door behind her.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Because you changed the creamer?
                         (BEAT)
          Arthur, Marty called from the
          hospital.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's okay, Hobson's fine. I spoke
          to her doctor.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Apparently you didn't.
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Hobson is lying in bed, looking even iller than before.
                        
                         HOBSON
          It's just a headache!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Stop saying that! You bribed a
          hospital orderly to tell me you
          were okay!
          92.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          Oh, bothersnaps. What do doctors
          know?
                        
         The door opens. Marty enters with a shopping cart.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Da dahhhh! I give you the amazing
          costly, health-giving presents!
                        
         Arthur starts to produce gifts for Hobson: jewellery,
         expensive bath products, perfumes, clothes, a DVD...
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          'Wake up and Smell the Carcass'..
          (reads the DVD)
          `A compilation of the band's most
          stomach-churning music videos and
          deathly live performances...'
                        
         He produces a DARTH VADER HELMET.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Put this on, please.
                        
                         HOBSON
          I don't want to put it on.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Put it on. Or I'll fire you.
                         (PAUSE)
          Okay, or I won't fire you.
                        
         She dons the full face helmet.
                        
                         HOBSON
                         (VADER VOICE)
          How much did you waste on this
          poppycock?
                        
         Arthur and Marty laugh.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
                         (VADER VOICE)
          I see you've decided not to grow up
          after all.
                        
                         MARTY
          She sounds like Darth Invader!
                        
         Finally, Arthur unwraps a very high-end DVD player and TV.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Why, Arthur?
          93.
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         The room is dark. Arthur, Hobson and Marty are all on the
         bed, bathed in blue light from the huge new TV.
                        
          VOICEOVER (O.S.)
          Stargazer, known for her
          distinctive white mottled back...
                        
         It's a documentary about grizzly bears.
                        
                         VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
          ...is determined to catch the
          salmon, despite the treacherous
          rapids...
                        
         A DOCTOR enters.
                        
                         DOCTOR
          Mr Bach-Templemead? Do you have a
          moment?
                        
                        
         INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur's looking delighted. But the doctor is grave.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Home? That's great news. Isn't it?
                        
                        
         INT/EXT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         We see a short montage of Arthur, now sober, taking care of
         Hobson with Marty's help: Reading to her...Watching another
         bear documentary...Arthur doing silly yoga for Hobson...
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur is quietly cleaning Hobson's room. He stumbles on a
         document. It reads: `THE BOY WHOSE HEART ESCAPED' BY N J
         SNART. FINAL MANUSCRIPT.' He opens it.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          How did this get here?
                        
                         HOBSON
          I have no idea.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You might have a brain tumour but
          you're not a complete veggie burger
          just yet. Has Naomi been here?
          94.
                        
                        
                         HOBSON
          She dropped by once or twice.
          Frightful needy trollop.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I thought she gave up writing.
                        
         Arthur's reading the manuscript, bearing Hobson's notations:
         `Shorten', `Wonderful - do NOT cut!', `Beautiful. I cried'.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Just trying to spare her outright
          humiliation while I'm still here.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Don't wear yourself out. You're not
          going anywhere soon.
                        
         He taps the top of a state-of-the-art heart monitor.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          World's most advanced heart rate
          monitor. The tiniest problem will
          alert your own private platoon of
          paramedics camped out downstairs...
                        
         Hobson takes Arthur's hand.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Arthur. I've loved caring for you
          so much. But you'll never grow up
          with me around. So either I retire.
          Or I die. Option 1 involves too
          much paperwork and blather with
          having to find somewhere else to
          live. And no offence to you, dear
          boy...
                        
         She glances at a MASSIVE PILE OF BEAR DOCUMENTARY DVDs beside
         THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TEDDY BEAR.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          ...but I think we've exhausted the
          bear-based entertainment. Which
          leaves option 2.
                        
         Arthur can't fight the tears any more.
                        
                         HOBSON (CONT'D)
          You're a good son, Arthur. You can
          do anything with your life that you
          want. Just like I did.
          95.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But you spent half of it looking
          after a spoilt drunk twat.
                        
                         HOBSON
          Exactly. Sorry Arthur. I'm past my
          use-by date.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry, Hobson, You don't win this
          one. I need you to care for me.
          (holds up a pill)
          Now take your fish oil.
                        
                        
         INT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur, in a chair at the end of the bed, wakes with a start
         from a dream. He looks across to Hobson, who is very still.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Hobson?
                        
         The expensive monitor is dead. He jumps up.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          HOBSON!
          (hammering the machine)
          Why the fuck has the stupid thing
          not gone off?
                         (SHOUTS)
          GET UP HERE! SHE'S NOT...
                        
         He sees that the monitor is unplugged. The cord is in
         Hobson's hand. It's over. Hobson's dead.
                        
         Arthur sobs his heart out.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
                        
         It's a few weeks later. The place is very, very messy. The
         place also seems to be heavily splattered with all colors of
         paint.
                        
         SPLOTCH! A big lump of red paint thuds into Hobson's giant
         teddy bear, which is already heavily spattered.
                        
         Arthur's sitting naked, apart from a helmet, in his tiny army
         paintball tank. He's in a blank, drunken daze, firing paint
         at the teddy. The tank turret rotates. He shoots walls,
         possessions, furniture. He stops.
          96.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Would Frog ever get up again? Or
          would he just sit in his tank,
          crying and soiling himself until he
          died of dehydration because he
          didn't even have the energy to eat
          a wet sandwich.
                        
         He looks down at an ashes urn.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Hobson! Why are you in there when I
          need you?
          (lifts lid off urn)
          HOBSON!
                        
         He's rewarded with a face full of ashes. Angrily he spins the
         turret through 360 degrees, firing paint.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Arrrrgghhh!
                        
         Marty comes in - and is hit hard by paint.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Sorry.
                        
                         MARTY
          How's the tea?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Shockingly bad, thanks, Marty.
                        
                         MARTY
          Want to talk about the Cubs game?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Nahhh. Can I be alone please?
                        
         Marty goes. Arthur picks up his phone and scrolls down to
         Naomi's name. He thinks for a moment, hits `call'.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi is shopping. She looks at the phone, sees Arthur's
         name. She so wants to answer. But doesn't.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur stands on the balcony. He peers down at Manhattan far,
         far below.
          97.
                        
                        
         INT. PIERRE HOTEL - HOTEL BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         A COUPLE are having sex. A BODY falls past the window.
                        
                        
         INT. PIERRE HOTEL - RESTAURANT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The body falls past a window. A huge crash from off.
                        
                        
         EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         PASSERSBY are staring in horror at a yellow cab, its roof
         caved in, the DRIVER shaking in shock.
                        
         Tilt up to find Hobson's HUGE teddy BEAR lying on the roof.
                        
                        
         EXT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. BALCONY - DAY
                        
         Arthur's on his phone again.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (leaving a message)
          Naomi? I doubt you'll ever get
          this, because your voicemail
          probably consists of a 4000 year
          old woman who writes the message
          down in hieroglyphics then loses it
          down the back of her incontinence
          loin cloth. Hobson died. Hobson
          died and I've fallen apart...
                        
         The doorbell rings from off.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Marty! Can you get that? Marty!
                         (INTO PHONE)
          Naomi? Could you get it? Hello?
                        
         He throws the cellphone off the roof. A couple of seconds
         pass. We hear a very faint howl of pain from whoever it hit.
                        
                        
         INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
                        
         Arthur opens the door. It's Vivienne.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur! You haven't answered the
          phone for eight days. Susan's
          beside herself. What's going on?
          98.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What do you think's going on?
          Hobson died.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Oh, that.
                        
         She bustles in past Arthur. A PLATOON OF MAIDS follows.
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
                         (TO MAIDS)
          Chop chop! You cleany penthouseio!
          Come on, Arthur. Have to pick
          yourself up, lad. It's like when
          Nixon my Great Dane had to be put
          down. Frightful state for days. But
          I pulled myself together.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You're comparing Hobson to...a dog?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Well, yes. A faithful, humble
          companion who...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Um, I think I'd like you to leave,
          if that's okay. Now?
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Remember who pays for this
          apartment, Arthur. For everything!
                        
         He guides her out the door.
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
          You had damn well better be at that
          wedding, boy.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Don't worry. If I'm going to drink
          myself to death I'll need
          resources. Bye Vivienne...
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          It's mother!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          My mother's dead.
                        
         He slams the door. The phone rings again.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Hello? I'm sorry?
          99.
                        
                        
         INT. ATTORNEY'S OFFICE - DAY
                        
         Arthur is sitting in an estate attorney's next to MR FINKE,
         a small, dirty man. ATTORNEY MARGARET AHERNE is at a desk
         opposite them, reading from a will.
                        
                         AHERNE
          The last will and testament of Jane
          Hobson.
                         (READS)
          `I leave my life savings to the
          Tulare Bear Sanctuary, Tulare
          County, California.'
                        
         Aherne hands Mr Finke A CHECK for $8,864.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          That'll explain the strong smell of
          bear shit. Sorry.
                        
         Aherne opens a tiny envelope.
                        
                         AHERNE
          To Arthur Bach Templemead, I leave
          this.
                        
         She produces a teabag.
                        
                         AHERNE (CONT'D)
          To operate kettle, press red
          button. Milk in refrigerator;
          that's the big box with the pretty
          light that comes on when you open
          the door.
                         (PAUSE)
          Arthur. You're going to be okay.
          Now it's your turn to look after
          someone. All my deepest, fondest
          love, my dearest boy. I'm smiling
          down at you - or more likely, up at
          you - forever and ever, H xxxxxxxx.
                        
                        
         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
                        
         Close up on the KETTLE, steam issuing forth from the spout.
         Then a MUG with the teabag in it. The kettle boils. A hand
         pours hot water into the mug. Milk is added. And a drop of
         vodka.
                        
                        
         EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Burt and Vivienne are standing outside, greeting GUESTS.
          100.
                        
                        
                         BURT
          I just want you to know, if he
          doesn't show up for this wedding, I
          can't know what I'll do.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Don't worry, Burt. He's cleaned
          himself up. He's stopped drinking,
          he's anxious to get a real job.
          He's become a responsible citizen.
                        
                        
         EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY
                        
         Arthur is stalking - drunk but determined - through the
         crowds. He comes upon a group of tourists standing by a tour
         bus. Naomi's now wearing a headset mic, pointing south.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Due to a tragic error in the
          architect's drawing, the original
          Statue of Liberty unveiled in 1886
          was just seven inches tall. 100,000
          New Yorkers rioted, having come
          expecting to see something more
          impressive than a garden gnome
          holding up an ice cream...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Naomi!
                        
         Arthur pushes his way through the tourists. He sees her bus
         and headset.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          You're on a bus? With a microphone?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Girl's gotta have a dream.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Naomi. Can you take the next 60
          years off?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you okay? You're a mess. You
          look like you...now.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry. I accidentally swallowed
          three bottles of hand sanitizer.
          Fascinating story...Okay.
                         (MORE)
          101.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Drinking was the only way I could
          get the courage to come here and
          say this: I don't need the money. I
          love the money. But I don't lie
          awake all night wondering how I'll
          live without ever seeing it again.
          I just wonder what it's like to go
          24 hours without a steak tartare.
                        
         Naomi looks unconvinced. Arthur pulls out his wallet and
         takes out a load of credit cards.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          The American Express Centurion card
          - you have to spend at least
          $250,000 a year to keep it, which I
          blow in a quiet week.
                        
         He drops it down a drain. He produces another card.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Sotheby's `World Elite' Mastercard
          for art collectors.
                        
         Drops it down drain too. The tourists are enjoying this.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          And King of all idiotic reckless-
                         SPEND-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-EVERYTHING-
                         FOR-TOMORROW-WE-DIE PLASTIC
          insanity: the Visa Black Card.
                        
         This last one he hands to a PASSING HOMELESS MAN.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          PIN 3487. Daily ATM limit $180,000.
                        
         The man runs into the road. As Arthur talks, out of focus we
         see the man hit by a car, but get up and keep going.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          (producing fancy iPhone)
          The world's only platinum iPhone.
          With police radio app.
                        
         He tosses it over his shoulder. It lands in the beef juice
         pan of a Street French Dip stall. A BIGGER CROWD is
         gathering. Arthur takes off his jacket.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Alexander Amosu. Vicuna wool, shorn
          once every three years from the
          South American camelid - $50,000.
          102.
                        
                        
         He throws the jacket in a passing cab's window. He takes off
         his pants.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Westmancott trousers, ten months to
          design, fit and make. $21,000.
                        
         He hands the trousers to a PASSERBY. Off with his watch!
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                         (SHOUTS)
          Who wants the watch Neil Armstrong
          wore to step on the sun!
                        
         Arthur flings it in the air. A crazed fight breaks out.
                        
         Arthur stands before Naomi in just his underpants and socks.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          These are from The Gap.
                        
                         NAOMI
          I'm so sorry about Hobson.
                        
         They step away from the tourists.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm sorry about the Rainbow Press.
                        
                         NAOMI
          It's okay. So how did Susan take it
          that you're not marrying her?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          She didn't.
                        
                         NAOMI
          You haven't told her?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          What's it to you? She's your arch-
          enemy.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Are you six? She isn't my enemy.
          She's the woman you proposed to!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I couldn't tell her! Today's the
          biggest day of her life!
                        
                         NAOMI
          The wedding's today? When?
          103.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          12. Which is...
          (looks at his wrist)
          Where's my watch gone?
                        
                         NAOMI
          (looks at her watch)
          It's eight minutes to.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          It's too late, then.
                        
         Naomi hands Arthur her phone.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          I don't know her number! It's in my
          phone's address book in that gloop.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Church?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          St. John the Divine. Can we please
          just get me some clothes...
                        
                         NAOMI
          St John..Fourth largest church in
          the world...111th and Amsterdam.
          It's about four miles. Better
          hurry.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You want me to go there? Like this?
                        
                         NAOMI
          What's the alternative? Jilt Susan
          at the altar? Can I expect the same
          treatment when you dump me?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No! I love you!
                        
         Naomi starts herding her tourists onto her bus.
                        
                         NAOMI
          C'mon, folks...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Naomi! Susan's dad will...
          104.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          Arthur. Prove you're not the same
          pampered little boy who can have
          what he wants then toss it aside
          when he's bored. Then we'll talk.
                        
         She sits in the driving seat and belts up.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Naomi! I don't even know the way!
                        
                         NAOMI
          5th...right on Broadway...left at
          Times...Right on 7th...back on
          Broadway....right on Amsterdam. The
          church is the big stone pointy
          thing full of rich people.
                        
         The bus door shuts. Naomi drives away.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          SHIT! TAXI!
                        
         A taxi stops. Arthur feels for his pockets. Ah shit.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Um, can anyone spare...
          (to the DRIVER)
          How much to St. John the Divine
          please?
                        
                         DRIVER
          About 15 bucks...
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (to the crowd)
          Can anyone spare $15 please?
                        
                         DRIVER
          What about tip? You cheapskate?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          30?
                        
         The crowd just stare back. The taxi drives away.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Stop! STOP!
                        
         Arthur looks at a STREET CLOCK: 11:53.
                        
         Arthur starts running in his underwear.
          105.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         GUESTS are taking their pews.
                        
                        
         EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur runs along Fifth.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Susan is being fussed over by BRIDESMAIDS.
                        
                        
         EXT. BROADWAY - DAY
                        
         Arthur runs up Broadway, passing a Watch and Clock store.
         Every timepiece reads 11:54.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Burt, sitting in a pew, looks at his watch. He looks around
         for Arthur then scowls very scarily.
                        
                        
         EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY
                        
         Arthur stops, out of breath. He sees A LINE OF STREET
         ENTERTAINERS. That gives him an idea.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (SHOUTS)
          Gather round for the nearly naked
          Yoga man - YOGI BARE! I give you...
                        
         Arthur strikes a sequence of silly poses and names.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          `Chicken forgetting birthday'...
                        
         TOURISTS throw money. Arthur grabs it up. He looks up at the
         Times Square digital clock: 11:56.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          TAXI!
                        
         A taxi stops. Arthur throws the money to THE DRIVER.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          How far can I go with $1.95 and a
          Japanese coin with a hole in it?
          106.
                        
                        
                         DRIVER
          A block and a half.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          GO!
                        
         Arthur jumps in. The cab screeches away.
                        
                        
         EXT. SEVENTH AVENUE - DAY
                        
         The cab halts. Arthur jumps out and starts running again. He
         sees A BUS with `COLUMBUS CIRCLE' in its window.
                        
         We cut to people cheering Arthur, hanging on the bus's front
         bicycle rack. But the DRIVER sees him and hits the brakes.
         Arthur's flung forwards but gets up and keeps running.
                        
         He sees a Subway Station.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (TO PASSERBY)
          Excuse me, are there trains down
          there, like in films?
                        
                         PASSERBY
          Yes.
                        
         Arthur runs down the steps.
                        
                        
         INT. SUBWAY - DAY
                        
         A train pulls on to the platform. Arthur leaps aboard.
                        
                        
         INT. TRAIN - DAY
                        
         Arthur stands among New Yorkers, none of whom bat an eyelid
         at his appearance. He looks up at the stations.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (to A MALE PASSENGER)
          Excuse me. Terribly sorry to bother
          you, but...
                        
         Without looking at him, the guy hands him a dollar.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Crikey. Thanks.
          107.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH. SACRISTY - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Susan is ready. She looks to the door. Erica, who is peering
         out, shakes her head with an `I told you so' look.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S TOUR BUS - DAY
                        
         Naomi's driving her bus up 42nd Street.
                        
                         NAOMI
          (into a headset mic)
          ...originally a rough
          neighbourhood. Some say it was
          called 42nd Street because it
          wasn't safe to spend more than
          forty seconds on it.
                        
         A few grudging laughs from the tourists.
                        
                         MALE TOURIST
          Excuse me.
                        
                         NAOMI
          If you burst into song, you're off
          this bus.
                        
                         MALE TOURIST
          Huh? I want to see St. John the
          Divine.
                        
                         NAOMI
          Sorry, sir, that's not on our route
          today. Anyway...
                        
                         FEMALE TOURIST
          I want to know if Arthur's gonna
          make it.
                        
          OTHER FEMALE TOURIST (CONT'D)
          You should be there for him.
                        
         Other tourists agree.
                        
                         MALE TOURIST
                         (WAVES LEAFLET)
          It says here `ask about your
          personalised tours'. I want the
          personalised tour. To St. John the
          Divine!
                        
          ALL OTHER TOURISTS
          So do I! St. John the Divine, St.
          John the Divine, St. John the...
          108.
                        
                        
                         NAOMI
          Okay!
                        
                        
         EXT. STREET. DAY
                        
         Arthur comes bounding out of another station. Clutching his
         dollar, he sees a bus. He runs aboard, and up to the driver.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Ah! I'm trying to get to...
                        
         Arthur feels eyes on him. The bus is full of SCHOOL CHILDREN!
         It's a school bus! They all stare for a beat, then get out
         cellphones to report the weirdo in their midst, who runs off
         again and up Broadway, passing a store's line of shopping
         carts. He starts emptying them of quarters.
                        
                         MANAGER
          Hey!
                        
         A police car rounds the corner.
                        
                         POLICEMAN
                         (INTO MIC)
          Uh, unit 6J, we have reports of an
          indecent exposure on a school bus.
                        
         Arthur jumps in a shopping cart; as the truck passes, he
         launches forward, grabbing the rear fender!
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Burt gets up, squeezing past TIGER WOODS.
                        
                        
         EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Arthur's cab pulls up outside the church, surrounded by
         ONLOOKERS AND PAPARAZZI. Arthur leaps out and fights his way
         through the crowd. People start to recognise the crazed,
         sweating panting weirdo in underwear. Paparazzi and
         pedestrians photograph and film him. He runs into the church.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         The church is packed with THE GREAT, GOOD, RICH AND FAMOUS.
         Vivienne sits waiting. Arthur stumbles in at the back.
          109.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Arthur's trying to inch along the back. But the congregation
         falls silent, watching him. He stumbles up the aisle, looking
         up to Jesus, in similar scantily-clad appearance, on a cross.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'm not him.
          (shows his wrists)
          Look ma! No holes.
                        
         Arthur slips in a side door.
                        
                        
         INT. SACRISTY - DAY
                        
         Susan is sitting, sad, Bridesmaids comforting her.
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          Susan?
                        
         Susan turns and is shocked to see Arthur.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Arthur? What's going on?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Susan. I can't...I can't...
                        
         He leads her away from the bridesmaids.
                        
                         SUSAN
          What?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          The girl at the party? The one who
          talked all that rubbish about
          Coffee Mate? I love her.
                        
         Susan slaps Arthur. Hard.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Shut up! We're getting married!
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But I don't love you!
                        
                         SUSAN
          And you think I love you?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Well, yes. What's not to...
          110.
                        
                        
                         SUSAN
          I never have.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Susan, you're upset, you hate me.
          It's okay. Now I'm sorry, I have to
          go, or your dad's going to do
          whatever he did to your boyfriend
          from college.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Daddy never hurt Alex. He paid her
          parents to send her away..
                        
                         ARTHUR
          HER? You're..a...
                        
                         SUSAN
          Lesbian. Yes. You may have noticed
          that daddy is homophobic. He swore
          he'd disown me if it happened
          again.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          But...why do you want to marry...
                        
         Arthur glances across, sees Erica skulking.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Hang on. Am I your beard?
                        
                         SUSAN
          Why else do you think I'd spend
          more than 30 seconds in your
          company? You're the perfect cover.
                        
                         ARTHUR
                         (REELING)
          Have you been pretending to like
          Dane Cook as well?
                        
                         SUSAN
          No.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Wow. Wow. Well. Uh...
          (heads to the door)
          Thanks for your honesty. I don't
          feel so bad about calling this off.
                        
         Erica steps in his way.
          111.
                        
                        
                         SUSAN
          Arthur, please. You can drink as
          much as you like, sneak off to
          Naomi. We keep the money. We live
          our lives. Everyone wins.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I may be a weak, pathetic drunk.
          But I won't marry a lesbian Dane
          Cook fan.
                        
         Arthur pushes past Erica.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH. ALTAR - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur stumbles out on the altar. The CONGREGATION stares. He
         taps a mic from the pulpit like a stand up.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Good evening, St. John the Divine!
          Anyone in from St. Patrick's?
          Bialystoker Synagogue? Manhattan
          Mosque? AA?
                        
                        
         EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Naomi's tour bus screeches up. She hurries out.
                        
                        
         SINT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Arthur's still before the congregation, telling a story.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          ...and the first turned to the
          second horse and said `That dog
          just spoke'.
                        
         The hateful silence that only 500 angry rich people can
         muster.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          The joke being that it's
          inconsistent that the horses can
          speak but the dog can't.
                        
         Naomi creeps in at the back.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          The wedding's off. The bride has
          had second thoughts. I can't say I
          blame her. Would you marry me?
                         (MORE)
          112.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                         (PAUSE)
          You won't be seeing me again, as
          I'm going to be poor. I'll be
          shopping at the 99 Cent Store. Six
          pork chops for under a dollar!
                        
         TIGER WOODS discreetly scribbles `99c Store, chops' on a torn-
         out Bible page.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Great. I'm glad we had this talk.
          I'll let you get on with the
          wedding....
                        
         A huge crucifix strikes Arthur hard. Burt, crazed with
         hatred, drags him by his hair off the altar.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH. SACRISTY. DAY - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Burt is bashing Arthur's head HARD against a stone font.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Daddy, no! Stop it!
                        
         Vivienne bursts in. Followed by Naomi.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Burt! Get off my son!
                        
         But nothing's going to stop Burt.
                        
                         SUSAN
          (louder than anyone yet)
          DADDY!!!
                        
         Susan is over Burt, brandishing a Virgin Mary statue.
                        
                         BURT
          You wouldn't hurt me.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Wouldn't I? You crushed me.
                        
                         BURT
          I just wanted you to be happy.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Bullshit. You wanted to stop me
          being a lesbian!
                        
                         BURT
          Shut up! Shut up you dirty little
          dyke harlot!
          113.
                        
                        
         Erica leaps on Burt, pummelling his face with her fists.
                        
                         ERICA
          You want some more, bitch? Huh?
                        
         Arthur looks up at Susan.
                        
                         SUSAN
          Erica, that's enough, honey.
                        
         Erica stops. Susan kisses her.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Why didn't you tell me? We could
          have worked something out.
                        
         Naomi give Arthur a look.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          I'm joking.
                        
                        
         INT. CHURCH - LATER
                        
         The church is empty, apart from Arthur and Naomi on the
         altar. Naomi's trying to remove something from Arthur's neck.
         Vivienne is sitting alone in a pew near the back.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          OW! Stop it! Why are you doing
          that?
                        
                         NAOMI
          Because I hate an infection! Keep
          still.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          No, you keep still.
                        
         He kisses Naomi passionately.
                        
                         NAOMI
          What are we going to do, Arthur?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I'll get a job. I'll model cheap
          riding boots for people with no
          horses. You can write books about
          boys whose lungs have run away.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Stop this!
                        
         Vivienne walks up to the altar.
          114.
                        
                        
                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)
          A Bach-Templemead has never been
          poor and we're not about to try
          that experiment with you, Arthur.
          That said, you've shown strength of
          character for once, instead of
          blubbing on about frogs and
          friendship. The inheritance is
          yours. All I ask is, with Hobson
          gone, you finally start treating me
          like a mother.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry, Vivienne. I can't do that.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          I beg your pardon?
                        
                         ARTHUR
          You've never earned that title. I
          wouldn't fake it with Susan. I
          won't with you.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur. I will withdraw this offer
          forever. Don't doubt me, boy.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I don't.
                        
         Arthur shakes Vivienne's hand.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          Take care, Viv.
                        
         Arthur takes Naomi by the hand and they leave the church.
                        
                         VIVIENNE
          Arthur! Arthur! I am serious! If
          you walk out of that door...
                        
         They're gone. Vivienne sits in a pew. For once she looks
         small, old, alone.
                        
                        
         EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                        
         Arthur and Naomi step into the daylight, pushing past
         paparazzi and press. Marty is waiting in the Batmobile, now
         repaired.
          115.
                        
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Sorry, Marty. This isn't mine any
          more. Fancy joining us for a bowl
          of Special J?
                        
         Marty gets out. The three walk away up Amsterdam Avenue.
                        
                         FADE OUT
                        
                        
         EXT. QUEENS - NIGHT
                        
         CAPTION: ONE MONTH LATER
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          OW!
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                        
         Naomi's typing, sipping `Sprike' (fake Sprite). Beside her is
         a printed manuscript titled `SNART'S FAKE NEW YORK - A Bogus
         guide to the World's Greatest City.' On the computer screen
         is: `...the 1765 Irish Hair Famine swept through Manhattan,
         rendering every resident bald for a week.'
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          This is outrageous!
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SHOWER - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Arthur's struggling with a very crap, piddly shower. Rather
         than the glory of Manhattan from his shower-in-the-sky,
         Arthur just has a bare wall opposite to look out on.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Operational heat controls in a
          shower are a basic human right!
                        
         A hole in a pipe sprays his groin with hot water. He screams.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Ralph and Marty sit watching sports, Marty cheering as the
         Yankees are losing, Ralph miserable, The doorbell rings.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. BATHROOM DOOR. NIGHT
                        
         Ralph stands hammering at the bathroom door, holding a
         package.
          116.
                        
                        
          ARTHUR (O.S.)
          Owww! My eyes! I'm blind!
                        
         Ralph hammers again. The bathroom door opens. Arthur's
         holding a giant bottle of cheap shampoo. His eyes are bright
         red, streaming.
                        
                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)
          What the hell's in this shampoo?
          Napalm? It sure as hell isn't tea
          tree oil...
                        
         Ralph hands him the package.
                        
                         RALPH
          Package for you. With any luck an
          apartment for you and Lurch.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          I thought you liked me.
                        
                         RALPH
          I may have been seduced by money.
          It happens.
                        
                        
         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
                        
         Naomi appears from the bedroom. She finds Arthur staring at
         a framed photo of Hobson as a beautiful young woman holding
         Arthur as a happy, laughing toddler. A note is attached.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          (reading it out)
          `Can I be your friend at least?
          Love, Vivienne xxx. P.S. Lunch
          sometime? P.P.S. The inheritance is
          yours. It always was.'
                        
         Arthur looks at Naomi, at Ralph, at Marty.
                        
                         RALPH
          On balance, I'd go for it.
                        
                         MARTY
          Money good.
                        
         They look at Naomi.
                        
                         NAOMI
          You were never happy rich, honey.
          It's only been a month. Be strong.
          Remember: however hard life gets,
          love will always find a way.
                         (MORE)
          117.
                        
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
          (off their stares:)
          What? Can't a girl make a joke?
                        
                        
         EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur steps out of a Bentley.
                        
                        
         INT. AA MEETING - NIGHT
                        
         Arthur enters the AA meeting, clutching Hobson's ashes.
                        
                         ARTHUR
          Brought her for moral support. But
          I'll do the talking this time.
                        
                         FADE OUT