Alice in Wonderland is a 1951 animated film.
Chorus: Alice in Wonderland, how do you get to Wonderland? Over the hill or underland, or just behind the tree? When clouds go rolling by, they roll away and leave the sky. Where is the land beyond the eye, that people can not see, where can it be? Where do stars go, where is the crescent moon? They must be somewhere in the sunny afternoon. Alice in Wonderland, where is the path to Wonderland? Over the hill or here or there, I wonder where.
Sister: …for if he does, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria declared for him, and even Stigand… Alice!
Alice: Hmm…? Oh, I’m listening.
Sister: And even Stigand, the archbishop of Canterbury, agreed to meet with William and offer him the crown.
Sister: William’s conduct at first was mo….
Sister: Alice…! Will you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?
Alice: I’m sorry, but how can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?
Sister: My dear child, there are a great many good books in this world without pictures.
Alice: In this world perhaps. But in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures.
Sister: Your world? Huh, what nonsense. Now…
Sister: Once more. From the beginning.
Alice: That’s it, Dinah! If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn’t be, and what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?
Alice: In my world, you wouldn’t say ‘meow’. You’d say ‘Yes, miss Alice’.
Alice: Oh, but you would! You’d be just like people, Dinah, and all the other animals too. Why, in my world… Cats and rabbits, would reside in fancy little houses, and be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers. In a world of my own. All the flowers would have very extra special powers, they would sit and talk to me for hours, when I’m lonely in a world of my own. There’d be new birds, lots of nice and friendly how-de-do birds, everyone would have a dozen bluebirds, within that world of my own. I could listen to a babbling brook and hear a song, that I could understand. I keep wishing it could be that way, because my world would be a wonderland.
Dinah: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Alice: Oh Dinah! Its just a rabbit with a waistcoat… and a watch!
White Rabbit: Oh my fur and whiskers! I’m late, I’m late I’m late!
Alice: Now this is curious! What could a rabbit possibly be late for? Please, sir!
White Rabbit: I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
Alice: It must be awfully important, like a party or something! Mister Rabbit! Wait!
White Rabbit: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I’m overdue. I’m really in a stew. No time to say goodbye, hello! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
Alice: My, what a peculiar place to have a party.
Alice: You know, Dinah, we really shouldn’t…uhh…uhh…be doing this… After all, we haven’t been invited! And curiosity often leads to troubl – l – l – e – e – e! Goodbye, Dinah! Goodbye! … Oh! Well, after this I shall think nothing of fa-… of falling downstairs! … Oh! Ahhh… Oh, Goodness! What if I should fall right through the center of the earth… oh, and come out the other side, where people walk upside down. Oh, but that’s silly. Nobody… oh! Oh, ha ha. Oh, mister Rabbit! Wait! Please! … Curiouser and curiouser!
Alice: OH! Oh, I beg your pardon.
Doorknob: Oh, oh, it’s quite all right. But you did give me quite a turn!
Alice: You see, I was following…
Doorknob: Rather good, what? Doorknob, turn?
Alice: Please, sir.
Doorknob: Well, one good turn deserves another! What can I do for you?
Alice: Well, I’m looking for a white rabbit. So, um, if you don’t mind…
Doorknob: Uh? Oh!
Alice: There he is! I simply must get through!
Doorknob: Sorry, you’re much too big. Simply impassible.
Alice: You mean impossible?
Doorknob: No, impassible. Nothing’s impossible! Why don’t you try the bottle on the table?
Alice: Table? Oh!
Doorknob: Read the directions, and directly you’ll be directed in the right direction. He he he!
Alice: ‘Drink me’. Hmmm, better look first. For if one drinks much from a bottle marked ‘poison’, it’s almost certain to disagree with one, sooner or later.
Doorknob: Beg your pardon!
Alice: I was just giving myself some good advice. But… hmm, tastes like oh… cherry tart… custard… pineapple… roast turkey… goodness! What did I do?
Doorknob: Ho ho ho ho! You almost went out like a candle!
Alice: But look! I’m just the right size!
Doorknob: Oh, no use! Ha ha ha ha. I forgot to tell you, ho ho ho ho! I’m locked!
Alice: Oh no!
Doorknob: Ha ha ha, but of course, uh, you’ve got the key, so…
Alice: What key?
Doorknob: Now, don’t tell me you’ve left it up there!
Alice: Oh, dear! What ever will I do?
Doorknob: Try the box, naturally.
Alice: Oh! ‘Eat me’. All right. But goodness knows what this will do… wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
Alice: What did you say?
Doorknob: I said: ‘a little of that went a long way’! Ha ha ha ha!
Alice: Well, I don’t think it’s so funny! Now- now I shall never get home!
Doorknob: Oh, come on now. Crying won’t help.
Alice: I know, but I- I- I just can’t help myself!
Doorknob: Hey, this won’t do! Bwbwlwbbwlwbl! Say, this won’t do at all! You, you up there, stop! Stop, I say! Oh look! The bottle, the bottle…
Alice: Oh dear, I do wish I hadn’t cried so much.
Dodo: Oh, the sailor’s life is the life for me, how I love to sail on the bounding sea, and I never never ever do a thing about the weather for the weather never ever does a thing for me. Oh, a sailor’s life is a life for me, tiddle um (prrt, prrt) tiddle dum dum dee! And I never ne… ahoy! And other nautical expressions! Land ho, by Jove!
Parrot: Where away, Dodo?
Dodo: Three points to starboard. Follow me, me hearties! Have you at port no time at all now, haha! Oh…
Alice: Mister Dodo!
Dodo: Johoho, and a bottle of sea, we love each time…
Alice: Please! Please help me! … Um, pardon me, but uh, would you mind helping me? Please? Yoo Ho! Yoo Ho! Help me! Please! Help me!
Dodo: Forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be drier than a jolly caucus-race. Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, never a beginning there can never be a stop to skipping, hopping, tripping, fancy free and gay, I started it tomorrow and will finish yesterday. Round and round and round we go, and dance for evermore, once we were behind but now we find we are be-forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be drier than a jolly caucus-race. For backward…I say! You’ll never get dry that way!
Alice: Get dry?
Dodo: Have to run with the others! First rule of a caucus-race, you know!
Alice: But how can I…
Dodo: That’s better! Have you dry in no time now!
Alice: No-one can ever get dry this way!
Dodo: Nonsense! I am as dry as a bone already.
Alice: Yes, but…
Dodo: All right, chaps! Let’s head now! Look lively!
Alice: The white rabbit! Mister Rabbit! Mi- mister Rabbit!
White Rabbit: Oh, my goodness! I’m late! I’m late!
Alice: Oh, don’t go away! I’ll be right back!
White Rabbit: I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
Dodo: Don’t step on the fish! Eric, there, watch it there stop kicking that mackerel! William…
Alice: Mister Rabbit! Oh, mister Rabbit! Oh dear, I’m sure he came this way. Do you suppose he could be hiding? Hmmm… not here. I wonder… No, I suppose he must have… Oh! Why, what peculiar little figures! Tweedle Dee… and Tweedle Dum!
Tweedle Dee: If you think we’re wax-works, you ought to pay, you know!
Tweedle Dum: Contrariwise, if you think we’re alive you ought to speak to us!
Dee & Dum: That’s logic!
Alice: Well, it’s been nice meeting you. Goodbye!
Dee: You’re beginning backwards!
Dum: Aye, the first thing in a visit is to say: How do you do and shake hands, shake hands, shake hands. How do you do and shake hands and state your name and business.
Dee & Dum: That’s manners!
Alice: Really? Well, my name is Alice and I’m following a white rabbit. So…
Dee: You can’t go yet!
Dum: No, the visit has just started!
Alice: I’m very sorry…
Dum: Do you like to play hide-and-seek?
Dee: Or button-button, who’s got the button?
Alice: No, thank you.
Dee: If you stay long enough we might have a battle!
Alice: That’s very kind of you, but I must be going.
Dee & Dum: Why?
Alice: Because I am following a white rabbit!
Dee & Dum: Why?
Alice: Well, I- I’m curious to know where he is going!
Dum: Ohhhh, she’s curious! Tsk! tsk! tsk! ts!…
Dee: The oysters were curious too, weren’t they?
Dum: Aye, and you remember what happened to them…
Dee & Dum: Poor things!
Alice: Why? What did happen to the oysters?
Dee: Oh, you wouldn’t be interested.
Alice: But I am!
Dum: Oh, no. You’re in much too much of a hurry!
Alice: Well, perhaps I could spare a little time…
Dee & Dum: You could? Well…
Dee: ‘The Walrus and the Carpenter’!
Dum: Or: ‘The story of the curious Oysters’!
Dee & Dum: The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might, he did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright. And this was odd, because it was the middle of the night. The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand. The beach was white from side to side but much too full of sand. ‘Mister Walrus’, said the Carpenter: ‘My brain begins to perk. We’ll sweep this clear in half a year, if you don’t mind the work.’
Walrus: Work? Uh, pff, brrrr! Uh the time has come…
Dee & Dum: …the Walrus said…
Walrus: …to talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Callooh, callay, no work today! We’re cabbages and kings! … Oh, uhhh, oysters, come and walk with us. The day is warm and bright! A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, would be a sheer delight!
Carpenter: Yes, and should we get hungry on the way, we’ll stop and uh… have a bite!
Dee & Dum: But mother Oyster winked her eye and shook her heavy head. She knew too well this was no time to leave her oyster bed.
Mother oyster: The sea is nice, take my advice, and stay right here.
Dee & Dum: Mom said.
Walrus: Yes, yes, of course, of course! But eh… haha! The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Haha! Callooh, callay, come run away! We’re the cabbages and kings! … Hrmmm, well now, uh… let me see… Ah! A loaf of bread is what we chiefly need.
Carpenter: So how about some pepper and salt and vinegar, aye?
Walrus: Oh yes, yes, splendid idea! Haha, very good indeed! Now, if you’re ready, oysters dear… haha… we can begin the feed.
Walrus: Oh yes, ahh, the time has come, my little friends, to talk of food and things!
Carpenter: Of peppercorn some mustard seed and other seasonings. We’ll mix them all together in a sauce that’s fit for kings. Callooh, callay, we’ll eat today, like cabbages and kings!
Walrus: I uh, weep for you, I -uh- oh, excuse me, I deeply sympathize. For I’ve enjoyed your company, oh, much more than you realize.
Carpenter: Little oysters, little oysters…
Dee & Dum: But answer there came none. And this was scarcely odd, because, they’d been eaten, every one!
Walrus: Hmm, well, uhhh, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, hmm… the time has come!
Dee & Dum: We’re cabbages and kings! The end!
Alice: That was a very sad story.
Dum: Aye, and there’s a moral to it.
Alice: Oh yes, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster. Well, it’s been a very nice visit…
Dum: Another recitation…
Alice: I’m sorry, but…
Dum: Its titled ‘Father William’.
Alice: But really, I’m…
Dum: First verse: You are old father William, the young man said and your hair has become very white. And yet you incessantly stand on your head, do you think at your age it is right, is right, do you think at your age it is right? Well, in me youth, father William replied to his son, I’d do it again and again and again and I’d done it again and again and again…
Alice: Now I wonder who lives here…
White Rabbit: Mary Ann! Drat that girl. Where did she put ’em? Mary Ann!
Alice: The rabbit!
White Rabbit: Mary Ann! No use, can’t wait, I’m awfully late, oh me oh my oh me oh my!
Alice: Excuse me sir, but- but I’ve been trying to…
White Rabbit: Why, Mary Ann! What are you doing out here?
Alice: Mary Ann?
White Rabbit: Don’t just do something stand there! Uh… no no! Go go! Go get my gloves! I’m late!
Alice: But late for what? That’s just what I…
White Rabbit: My gloves! At once, do you hear!
Alice: Goodness. I suppose I’ll be taking orders from Dinah next. Hmmm, now let me see. If I were a rabbit, where would I keep my gloves? Oh! Thank you. Don’t mind if I do. Hmhm. Hmhm. Hmhmhmhmhmhm. Hmhmhmhmhmhm-oeh! Oh no no, not again!
White Rabbit: Oh! Mary Ann! Now you see here, Mary Ann… Help! No! No! Help! Monsters! Help, assistance!
Alice: Hrmm… hrmm… hrmm… dear!
White Rabbit: A monster! A monster, Dodo! In my house, Dodo!
White Rabbit: Oh might, poor little bitty house…
Dodo: Uh, steady old champ.Can’t be as bad as all that you know.
White Rabbit: Oh my poor roof and rafters, all my walls and… there it is!
Dodo: By Jove! Jolly well?? is! Isn’t it?
White Rabbit: Well, do something, Dodo!
Dodo: Yes, indeed! Extraordinary situation, but eh…
White Rabbit: But- but- but- but- but what?
Dodo: But I have a very simple solution!
Alice: Thank goodness!
White Rabbit: Wha- wha- what is it?
Dodo: Simply pull it out the chimney.
White Rabbit: Yes, go- go- go on, go on! Pull it out!
Dodo: Who? Me? Don’t be ridiculous! What we need is eh… a lizard with a ladder!
White Rabbit: Hmm? Oh! Bill! Bill! Eh, we need a lazzerd with a lizard, a lizard a bb…b… can you help us?
Bill: At your service, governor!
Dodo: Here, my lad??. Have you ever been down a chimney?
Bill: Why governor, I’ve been down more chimneys…
Dodo: Excellent, excellent. You just pop down the chimney, and haul that monster out of there.
Bill: Righto, governor! Monster? Hoeaaaaah! No! No! ….
Dodo: Steady now. That’s better! Bill, lad, you’re passing up a golden opportunity!
Bill: I am?
Dodo: You can be famous!
Bill: I can?
Dodo: Of course! There’s a brave lad! In you go now. Nothing to it, old boy. Simply tie your tail around the monsters neck and drag it out!
Bill: But- but- but governor!
Dodo: Good luck, Bill!
Alice: Ah- ah- ah- ah… choo!
Dodo: Well, there goes Bill…
Alice: Poor Bill…
Dodo: Ehh, perhaps we should try a more energetic remedy.
White Rabbit: Yes, anything, anything. But hurry!
Dodo: Now, I- I propose that we… uhh…
White Rabbit: Yes, come on, come on, yes, yes…
Dodo: I propose that we… uhh… dow! By Jove! That’s it! We’ll burn the house down!
White Rabbit: Yes, hihi! Burn the house… what?
Alice: Oh no!
Dodo: Hi ho! Oh, we’ll smoke the blighter out. He’ll put the beast to rout. Some kindling, a stick or two, all this bit of rubbish ought to do.
White Rabbit: Oh dear…
Dodo: We’ll smoke the blighter out, we’ll smoke the monster out!
White Rabbit: No, no! Not my beautiful birdhouse!
Dodo: Oh, we’ll roast the blighter’s toes, we’ll toast the bounder’s nose! Just fetch that gate, we’ll make it clear that monsters aren’t welcome here.
White Rabbit: Oh me, oh my…
Dodo: A match!
White Rabbit: Match?
Dodo: Thank you! We’ll blow the thing there out, we’ll smoke the monster out!
White Rabbit: We’ll smoke the monster out… noho! Noho, my poor house and furniture…
Alice: Oh dear, this is serious! I simply must… oh! A garden! Perhaps if I eat something it will make me grow smaller…
White Rabbit: Ahhhh! Oh, let go! Help!
Alice: I’m sorry, but I must eat something!
White Rabbit: Not me, you- you- you- you- you barbarian! Help! Monsters! Help! Ah! I’m late! Oh dear, I’m here, I should be there! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
Dodo: Ah, say, do you have a match?
White Rabbit: Must go. Goodbye. Hello. I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
Alice: Wait! Please wait!
Dodo: Ah, young lady! Do you have a match?
Alice: No, I- I’m sorry, but… mister Rabbit!
Dodo: No cooperation, no cooperation at all? We can’t have monsters about! Jolly will have to carry on alone! Pf, pf, pf, pf…
Alice: Wait! Please! Just a minute! Oh, dear. I’ll never catch him while I’m this small. Why curious butterflies!
Rose: You mean bread-and-butterflies.
Alice: Oh, yes, of course, I… hmm? Now who do you suppose… Ah, a horse fly! I mean, a- a rocking horse fly!
Alice: I beg your pardon, but uhh… did you… oh, that’s nonsense. Flowers can’t talk.
Rose: But of course we can talk, my dear.
Iris: If there’s anyone worth talking to.
Daisy: Or about! Hahahaha!
Pansies: And we sing too!
Alice: You do?
Tulips: Oh, yes. Would you like to hear ‘Tell it to the tulips’?
Larkspur??: No, let’s sing about us!
Violets: We know one about the shy little violets…
1st Lily: Oh, no, not that old thing!
2nd Lily: Let’s do ‘Lovely lily at the valley’!
Daisies: How about the daisies in the…
Lilac: Oh, she wouldn’t like that!
Rose: Girls, girls! We shall sing: ‘Golden afternoon’. That’s about all of us! Sound your A, Lily!
Dandelions: Poem, poem poem, poem poem poem poem poem….
All flowers: Little bread-and-butterflies kiss the tulips, and the sun is like a toy balloon. There are get up in the morning glories, in the golden afternoon. There are dizzy daffodils on the hillside, strings of violets are all in tune, Tiger lilies love the dandelions, in the golden afternoon, the golden afternoon. There are dog and caterpillars and a copper centipede, where the lazy daisies love the very peaceful life they lead… You can learn a lot of things from the flowers, for especially in the month of June. There’s a wealth of happiness and romance, all in the golden afternoon. … All in the golden afternoon, the golden afternoon…
Alice: You can learn a lot of things from the flowers, for especially in the month of June. There’s a wealth of happiness and romance, all…
Flowers: …the golden afternoon!
Alice: Oh, that was lovely.
Rose: Thank you, my dear.
Daisy: What kind of garden do you come from?
Alice: Well I don’t come from any garden…
Daisy: Oh, do you suppose she’s a wild flower?
Alice: Oh no, I’m not a wild flower…
Rose: Just what specie, or shall we say, genus, are you, my dear?
Alice: Well, I suppose you call me a genus, humanus, eh… Alice!
Daisy: Ever seen an Alice with a blossom like that?
Iris: Come to think of it, did you ever see an Alice?
Daisy: Yes, and did you notice her petals? What a peculiar color!
Iris: And no fragrance!
Daisy: Hahaha! Just look at those stems!
Iris: Rather scrawny, I’d say.
Rose bud: I think she’s pretty!
Rose: Quiet, bud!
Alice: But I’m not a flower!
Iris: Aha! Just as I suspected! She’s nothing but a common mobile vulgaris!
Flowers: Oh no!
Alice: A common what?
Iris: To put it bluntly: a weed!
Alice: I’m not a weed!
Tulip: Well, you wouldn’t expect her to admit it.
Lilac: Can you imagine!
Daisy: Well, goodness!
Lily: Don’t let her stay here and go to seed!
Other flower??: Go on now!
Rose: Please, girls…
Pansies: We don’t want weeds in our bed!
Other flower: Move along, move along!
Alice: Oh, all right, if that’s the way you feel about it. If I were my right size, I could pick every one of you if I wanted to! And I’d guess that’d teach you!
Alice: You can learn a lot of things from the flowers… Huh! Seems to me they could learn a few things about manners!
Caterpillar: A, e i o u, a e i o u, a e i o u, o, u e i o a, u e i a, a e i o u… Who are you?
Alice: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see…
Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself.
Alice: Why, I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir, because I’m not myself, you know…
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: Well, I can’t put it anymore clearly for it isn’t clear to me!
Caterpillar: You? Who are you?
Alice: Well, don’t you think you ought to tell me- cough-cough, cough-cough, who you are first?
Alice: Oh dear. Everything is so confusing.
Caterpillar: It is not.
Alice: Well, it is to me.
Alice: Well, I can’t remember things as I used to, and…
Alice: Hmm? Oh! Oh, oh, yes, sir! Um… how doth the little busy bee, improve each shi…
Caterpillar: Stop! That is not spoken correcitically. It goes: how…
Caterpillar: Hmm! How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheer… how cheer… Ahem!
Caterpillar: How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws. And welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws.
Alice: Well I must say I’ve never heard it that way before…
Caterpillar: I know, I have improved it.
Alice: Well, cough-cough-couch, if you ask me…
Caterpillar: You? Huh, who are you?
Alice: Cough-cough, cough-cough, A-choo! Oh!
Caterpillar: You there! Girl! Wait! Come back! I have something important to say!
Alice: Oh dear. I wonder what he wants now. Well…?
Caterpillar: Keep your temper!
Alice: Is that all?
Caterpillar: No. Exacitically, what is your problem?
Alice: Well, it’s exacitici-, exaciti-, well, it’s precisely this: I should like to be a little larger, sir.
Alice: Well, after all, three inches is such a wretched height, and…
Caterpillar: I am exacitically three inches high, and it is a very good height indeed!
Alice: But I’m not used to it. And you needn’t shout! Oh dear!
Caterpillar: By the way, I have a few more helpful hints. One side will make you grow taller…
Alice: One side of what?
Caterpillar: …and the other side will make you grow shorter.
Alice: The other side of what?
Caterpillar: The mushroom, of course!!
Alice: Hmm. One side will make me grow… but which is which? Hmm. After all that’s happened, I- I wonder if I… I don’t care. I’m tired of being only three inches high -yi -yi -yi -yi -yi!
Bird: Ah! A serpent! Aaaaahhh! Help! Serpent! Serpent!
Alice: Oh, but please! Please!
Bird: Off with you! Shoo! Shoo! Go away! Serpent! Serpent!
Alice: But I’m not a serpent!
Bird: So? Indeed? Then just what are you?
Alice: I’m just a little girl!
Bird: Little? Ha, little? Whahahaha!
Alice: Well I am! I mean, I- I was…
Bird: And, I suppose you don’t eat eggs, either?
Alice: Yes, I do, but…
Bird: I knew!
Alice: But- but- but…
Bird: I knew it! Serpent! Serpent!
Alice: Oh, for goodness sake! Hmmm… and the other side will…
Bird: A very idea! Spend all my time lying eggs, for serpents like her! Aaaaaaahhh! Oh, Oh, oh, oh!
Alice: Goodness… I wonder if I’ll ever get the knack of it. There, that’s much better. Hmmm… I better save these. Now let’s see, where was I? Hmmm, I wonder which way I ought to go…
Cheshire Cat: ‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogoves, and the momeraths outgrabe.
Alice: Now where in the world do you suppose that…
Cheshire Cat: Uh… lose something?
Alice: Oh! Hehe, Oh uhhh… hehe… I- I was… no, no, I- I- I- I mean, I uhh… I was just wondering…
Cheshire Cat: Oh uhh, that’s quite all right! Oh, hrmm, one moment please… Oh! Second chorus… ‘Twas brilllig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe…
Alice: Why, why you’re a cat!
Cheshire Cat: A Cheshire Cat. All mimsy were the borogoves…
Alice: Oh, wait! Don’t go, please!
Cheshire Cat: Very well. Third chorus…
Alice: Oh no no no… thank you, but- but I just wanted to ask you which way I ought to go.
Cheshire Cat: Well, that depends on where you want to get to.
Alice: Oh, it really doesn’t matter, as long as I g…
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn’t matter which way you go! Ah-hmm… and the momeraths outgrabe… Oh, by the way, if you’d really like to know, he went that way.
Alice: Who did?
Cheshire Cat: The white rabbit.
Alice: He did?
Cheshire Cat: He did what?
Alice: Went that way?
Cheshire Cat: Who did?
Alice: The white rabbit!
Cheshire Cat: What rabbit?
Alice: But didn’t you just say… I mean… oh dear!
Cheshire Cat: Can you stand on your head?
Cheshire Cat: However, if I were looking for a white rabbit, I’d ask the Mad Hatter.
Alice: The Mad Hatter? Uh… no, no, I don’t- I don’t…
Cheshire Cat: Or, there’s the March Hare. In that direction.
Alice: Oh, thank you. I- I think I shall visit him.
Cheshire Cat: Of course, he’s mad too.
Alice: But I don’t want to go among mad people!
Cheshire Cat: Oh, you can’t help that. Almost everyone is mad here. Ha… ha ha ha ha ha! You may have noticed that I’m not all there myself…. hahaha… and the momeraths outgrabe…
Alice: Goodness. If the people here are like that, I- I must try not to upset them. How very curious!
March Hare: …to us. If there are no objections, let it be unanimous!
Mad Hatter: A very merry unbirthday…
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday…
Mad Hatter & March Hare: A very merry unbirthday to us! …
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday to me.
Mad Hatter: To who?
March Hare: To me.
Mad Hatter: Oh you!
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday to you.
Mad Hatter: Who, me?
March Hare: Yes, you.
Mad Hatter: Oh me!
March Hare: Let’s all congratulate us with another cup of tea, a very merry unbirthday to you!
March Hare & Mad Hatter: No room, no room, no room, no room, no room, no room, no room!
Alice: But I thought there was plenty of room!
March Hare: Ah, but it’s very rude to sit down without being invited!
Mad Hatter: I say it’s rude. Its very very rude, indeed! Hah!
Dormouse: Very very very rude, indeed…
Alice: Oh, I’m very sorry, but I did enjoy your singing and I wondered if you could tell me…
March Hare: You enjoyed our singing?
Mad Hatter: Oh, what a delightful child! Hah! I’m so excited, we never get compliments! You must have a cup of tea!
March Hare: Ah, yes indeed! The tea, you must have a cup of tea!
Alice: That would be very nice. I’m sorry I interrupted your birthdayparty… uh, thank you.
March Hare: Birthday? Hahaha! My dear child, this is not a birthdayparty!
Mad Hatter: Of course not! Hehehe! This is an unbirthdayparty!
Alice: Unbirthday? Why, I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand.
March Hare: Its very simple. Now, thirty days have sept- no, when… an unbirthday, if you have a birthday then you… haha… she doesn’t know what an unbirthday is!
Mad Hatter: How silly! Ha ha ha ha! Ah-hum… I shall elucidate! Now statistics prove, prove that you’ve one birthday.
March Hare: Imagine, just one birthday every year.
Mad Hatter: Ahhh, but there are 364 unbirthdays!
March Hare: Precisely why we’re gathered here to cheer!
Alice: Why, then today is my unbirthday too!
March Hare: It is?
Mad Hatter: What a small world this is.
March Hare: In that case… a very merry unbirthday.
Alice: To me?
Mad Hatter: To you!
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday.
Alice: For me?
Mad Hatter: For you! Now blow the candle out, my dear and make your wish come true! Hihihi!
March Hare & Mad hatter: A very merry unbirthday to you!
Dormouse: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder what you’re at! Up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky!
Alice: Oh, that was lovely!
Mad Hatter: And uh, and now my dear, hehe, uh… you were saying that you would like to sea.. uh…? You were seaking some information some kind… hehe!
Alice: Oh, yes. You see, I’m looking for a…
Mad Hatter: Clean cup, clean cup! Move down!
Alice: But I haven’t used my cup!
March Hare: Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down, clean cup, clean cup, move down!
Mad Hatter: Would you like a little more tea?
Alice: Well, I haven’t had any yet, so I can’t very well take more…
March Hare: Ahh, you mean you can’t very well take less!
Mad Hatter: Yes! You can always take more than nothing!
Alice: But I only meant that…
Mad Hatter: And now, my dear, something seems to be troubling you. Uh, won’t you tell us all about it?
March Hare: Start at the beginning.
Mad Hatter: Yes, yes! And when you come to the end, hehehe, stop! See?
Alice: Well, it all started while I was sitting on the riverbank with Dinah.
March Hare: Very interesting. Who’s Dinah?
Alice: Why, Dinah is my cat. You see…
March Hare: Hurry! Give the jam! Quickly! Give the jam! On his nose! Put it on his nose!
Mad Hatter: On his nose, on his nose!
Dormouse: Where’s the cat…
Mad Hatter: Oh. Oh, my goodness! Those are the things that upset me!
March Hare: See all the trouble you’ve started?
Alice: But really, I didn’t think…
March Hare: Ah, but that’s the point! If you don’t think, you shouldn’t talk!
Mad Hatter: Clean cup! Clean cup! Move down, move down, move down!
Alice: But I still haven’t used….
Mad Hatter: Move down, move down, move down, move down… And now my dear, as you were saying?
Alice: Oh, yes. I was sitting on the riverbank with uh… with you know who…
Mad Hatter: I do, hehehe?
Alice: I mean my C – A – T…
Mad Hatter: Tea?
March Hare: Just half a cup if you don’t mind.
Mad Hatter: Come, come my dear. hehehe! Don’t you care for tea?
Alice: Why, yes, I’m very fond of tea, but…
March Hare: If you don’t care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!
Alice: Well, I’ve been trying to ask you…
March Hare: I have an excellent idea! Let’s change the subject!
Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Alice: Riddles? Let me see now. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Mad Hatter: I beg your pardon?
Alice: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Mad Hatter: Why is a what?
March Hare: Careful! She’s stark raving mad!
Alice: But- but it’s your silly riddle! You just said…
Mad Hatter: Very good??!
March Hare: How about a nice cup of tea?
Alice: A nice cup of tea, indeed! Well, I’m sorry, but I just haven’t the time!
March Hare: The time, the time! Who’s got the time?
White Rabbit: No, no, no, no! No time, no time, no time! Hello, goodbye! I’m late! I’m late!
Alice: The white rabbit!
White Rabbit: Oh, I’m so late! I’m so very very late!
Mad Hatter: Well, no wonder you’re late! Why, this clock is exactly two days slow!
White Rabbit: Two days slow?
Mad Hatter: Of course you’re late. Hahaha! My goodness. We’ll have to look into this. A-ha! I see what’s wrong with it! Why, this watch is full of wheels!
White Rabbit: Oh, my poor watch! Oh, my wheels! My springs! But- but- but- but, but- but- but…
Mad Hatter: Butter! Of course, we need some butter! Butter!
March Hare: Butter!
White Rabbit: But- but- butter?
Mad Hatter: Butter, oh, thank you, butter. Ha ha. Yes, that’s fine.
White Rabbit: Oh no no, no no no you’ll get crumbs in it!
Mad Hatter: Oh, this is the very best butter! What are you talking about?
March Hare: Tea?
Mad Hatter: Tea! Oh, I never thought of tea! Of course!
White Rabbit: No!
Mad Hatter: Tea! hehehe
White Rabbit: No! Not tea!
March Hare: Sugar?
Mad Hatter: Sugar. Two spoons, yes, ha, two spoons. Thank you, yes.
White Rabbit: Oh, please! Be careful!
March Hare: Jam?
Mad Hatter: Jam! I forgot all about jam!
White Rabbit: No, no! Not jam!
Mad Hatter: Yes, sure you want, it’s nice to see.
March Hare: Mustard?
Mad Hatter: Mustard? Yes, but… Mustard? Don’t let’s be silly! Lemon, that’s different, that’s… yes! That should do it. Hahaha! … Look at that!
March Hare: Its going mad!
Alice: Oh, my goodness!
White Rabbit: Oh dear!
March Hare: It is going mad! Mad watch!
Mad Hatter: I don’t understand, it’s the best butter.
March Hare: Mad watch! Mad watch! Mad watch!
Mad Hatter: Oh, look! Oh my goodness!
March hare: There’s only one way to stop a mad watch!
Mad Hatter: Two days slow, that’s what it is.
White Rabbit: Oh, my watch…
Mad Hatter: It was?
White Rabbit: And it was an unbirthday present too.
March Hare: Well, in that case…
March Hare & Mad Hatter: A very merry unbirthday to you!
Alice: Mister Rabbit! Oh, mister Rabbit! Oh, now where did he go to?
March Hare & Mad Hatter: A very merry unbirthday to us, to us. A very merry unbirthday to us, to us…
Alice: Of all the silly nonsense, this is the stupidest tea party I’ve ever been to in all my life. Well, I’ve had enough nonsense. I’m going home. Straight home. That rabbit. Who cares where he’s going anyway. Why, if it hadn’t been for him I… ‘Tulgey Wood’… Hmm, curious. I don’t remember this. Now let me see… Oh! Uh, no no, please. No more nonsense. Now, if I came this way, I should go back this way!
Alice: Oh, I beg your pardon!
Duck: Quack quack quack quack! …
Alice: Goodness. When I get home I shall write a book about this place… If I- if I ever do get home… Oh, um, excuse me! Um, could one of you tell me… uh… ha ha, never mind. Oh dear. Its getting dreadfully dark. And nothing looks familiar. I shall certainly be glad to get out of… Oh! … It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change! Oh! ‘Don’t step on the momeraths’. The momeraths? Oh! A path! Oh thank goodness! Why, I just knew I’d find one sooner or later. Oh, if I hurry back I might even be home in time for tea! Oh, won’t Dinah be happy to see me! Oh, I just can’t wait ’till I- oh! Oh dear! Now I- now I shall never get out. Well, when- when one’s lost, I- I suppose it’s good advice to stay where you are, until someone finds you. But- but who’d ever think to look for me here? Good advice. If I listened earlier I wouldn’t be here! But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice… but I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I’m always in. Be patient is very good advice, but the waiting makes me curious. And I’d love the change, should something strange begin. Well, I went along my merry way, and I never stopped to reason. I should have known there’d be a price to pay, some day. Some day. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Chorus: Will I ever learn, learn to do the things I should?
Cheshire Cat: Hmhmhmhm… and the momeraths outgrabe.
Alice: Oh, Cheshire Cat, it’s you!
Cheshire Cat: Whom did you expect? The white rabbit, perchance?
Alice: Oh, no no no no. I- I- I’m through with rabbits. I want to go home! But I can’t find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Naturally. That’s because you have no way. All ways here you see, are the queen’s ways.
Alice: But I’ve never met any queen.
Cheshire Cat: You haven’t? You haven’t? Oh, but you must! She’ll be mad about you, simply mad! Hahaha! And the momeraths outgrabe…
Alice: Please, please! Uh… how can I find her?
Cheshire Cat: Well, some go this way, some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the shortcut.
Card painters: Da dee dee da da da, Doodle de do, dee do dee do, bum bum bum bum, painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red, we dare not stop or waste a drop, so let the paint be spread. We’re painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red! Painting the roses red, and many a tear we shed, because we know they’ll cease to grow, in fact they’ll soon be dead. Noooo! And yet we go ahead, painting the roses red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red. Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red…
Alice: Oh, pardon me, but mister Three, why must you paint them red?
Card painters: Huh? Oh! Well, the fact is, miss: we planted the white roses by mistake. And, the queen, she likes them red. If she saw what we said, she’d raise a fuss and each of us would quickly lose his head.
Card painters: Since this is the thought we dread, we’re painting the roses red!
Alice: Oh dear! Then let me help you! Painting the roses red…
Alice & Card painters: We’re painting the roses red. Don’t tell the queen what you have seen, or say that’s what we said, what, we’re painting the roses red…
Alice: Yes, painting the roses red…
Card painters: Not pink, not green…
Alice: Not aquamarine…
Alice & Card painters: We’re painting the roses red!
Card painters: The Queen! The Queen!
Alice: The Queen!
Card painters: The Queen! …
Queen: Cards, halt! Count off!
Cards: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack.
Alice: The rabbit!
White Rabbit: He…he… her imperial highness, he… her grace, her excellency, her royal majesty, the Queen of Hearts! And the King…
A card (or perhaps Mickey Mouse?): Hurray!
Queen: Hum… Who’s been painting my roses red? Who’s been painting my roses red? Who dares to taint, with vulgar paint, the royal flower bed? For painting my roses red, someone will lose his head!
Three: Oh, no! Your majesty! Please, it’s all his fault!
Two: Not me, your grace! The Ace, the Ace!
Ace: No, Two!
Queen: The Deuce you say?
Two: Not me, the Three!
Queen: That’s enough! Off with their heads!
Cards: They’re going to lose their heads, for painting the roses red, it serves them right, they planted white, the roses should be red. Oh, they’re going to lose their head…
Alice: Oh, please, please! They were only trying to…
Queen: And who is this?
King: Uh… well, well, well, now, eh… let me see, my dear. It certainly isn’t a heart… do you suppose it’s a club?
Queen: Why, it’s a little girl.
Alice: Yes, and- and I was hoping…
Queen: Look up, speak nicely, and don’t twiddle your fingers! Turn out your toes. Curtsey. Open your mouth a little wider, and always say ‘yes, your majesty’!
Alice: Yes, your majesty!
Queen: Hmhmhmhm. Now, um, where do you come from, and where are you going?
Alice: Well, um, I’m trying to find my way home…
Queen: Your way? All ways here are my ways!
Alice: Well, yes, I know, but I was just thinking…
Queen: Curtsey while you’re thinking, it saves time.
Alice: Yes, your majesty, but I was only going to ask…
Queen: I’ll ask the questions! Do you play croquet?
Alice: Why, yes, your majesty.
Queen: Then let the game begin!
King: In your places, in your places, By order of the king! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Queen: Shuffle deck! Cards cut! Deal cards! Cards, halt! … Silence! Pfwfwfwfw! … Off with his head!
King: Off with his head, off with his head! By order of the king. You heard what she said!
Queen: You’re next!
Alice: Oh, but…
Queen: Hahaha… my dear.
Alice: Ahhh… Yes, your majesty.
Alice: Oh… hahahahaha! Stop!
Queen: Grrrwl, ??
Alice: Do you want us both to lose our heads?
Flamingo: Uh! Hum!
Alice: Well, I don’t!
Cards: Hahahaha… Hurray! … Hahahaha!
Cheshire Cat: La la la da da dum… la la la hmm… I say, how are you getting on?
Alice: Not at all.
Cheshire Cat: Beg your pardon?
Alice: I said ‘not at all’!
Queen: Whom are you talking to?
Alice: Oh, uh… a cat, your majesty!
Queen: Cat? Where?
Alice: There! Oh… Oh there he is again!
Queen: I warn you child, if I lose my temper, you lose your head, understand?
Cheshire Cat: You know, we could make her really angry. Shall we try?
Alice: Oh no no!
Cheshire Cat: Oh, but it’s lots of fun!
Alice: No, no, no! Stop! Oh no!
White Rabbit: Oh my fur and whiskers!
King: Oh dear! Save the queen!
Queen: Someone’s head will roll for this! Yours! Off with her…
King: But- but consider, my dear. Couldn’t she have a trial… uh… first?
King: Well, just a… uh… little trial? Hmm?
Queen: Hmm. Very well then. Let the trial begin!
White Rabbit: Huh… your majesty… members of the jury… loyal subjects…
White Rabbit: …and the king. The prisoner at the bar is charged with enticing her majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a game of croquet, and thereby willfully…
White Rabbit: …and with malice aforethought, teasing, tormenting, and otherwise annoying our beloved…
Queen: Don’t mind all that! Get to the part where I lose my temper.
White Rabbit: Bwbwbwl… thereby causing the queen to lose her temper.
Queen: Now, Ha ha… are you ready for your sentence?
Alice: Sentence? Ah, but there must be a verdict first!
Queen: Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.
Alice: But that just isn’t the way!
Queen: All ways are…
Alice: Your ways, your majesty.
Queen: Yes, my child. Off with her…
King: Consider, my dear. Uh… we called no witnesses… Uh… couldn’t we hear… maybe one or two? Ha? Maybe?
Queen: Oh, very well. But get on with it!
King: First witness! First witness! Ah, we’ll call the first witness.
White Rabbit: The March Hare.
King: Oh, oh, what do you know about this uh… unfortunate affair?
March Hare: Nothing.
Queen: Nothing whatever?
March Hare: Nothing whatever!
Queen: That’s very important! Jury, write that down!
Alice: Unimportant, uh… your majesty means of course…
Queen: Silence! Next witness.
White Rabbit: The Dormouse!
Queen: What have you to say about this?
Dormouse: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder…
Queen: That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet. Write that down!
Jury: Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle…
Alice: Twinkle, twinkle. What next?
White Rabbit: The Mad Hatter!
Mad Hatter: Oh… he he he he!
Queen: Off with your hat!
Mad Hatter: Oh, my! He he he!
King: And eh… where were you when this horrible crime was committed?
Mad Hatter: I was home, drinking tea. Today you know is my unbirthday.
King: Why, my dear! Today is your unbirthday too!
Queen: It is?
March Hare & Mad Hatter: It is?
Cards: It is?
Mad Hatter, March Hare and Cards: A very merry unbirthday!
Queen: To me?
Alice: Oh no!
Mad Hatter, March Hare and Cards: To you! A very merry unbirthday!
Queen: For me?
Mad Hatter, March Hare and Cards: For you!
Mad Hatter: Now blow the candle out, my dear and make your wish come true! He he he.
Mad Hatter, March Hare and Cards: A very merry unbirthday, to you!
Alice: Oh! Your majesty!
Queen: Oh, yes, my dear?
Alice: Look! There he is now!
Queen: He? Where? Who?
Alice: The Cheshire Cat!
Dormouse: Cat! Cat? Cat cat cat cat!
March Hare: Hang on, hang on!
Mad Hatter: This is terrible!
Dormouse: Cat cat cat cat!
Mad Hatter: Help! Help!
King: Catch him! Stand in!
March Hare: Catch him! Catch him! Go for it!
Mad Hatter: Help him! Catch him! Give me the jam, the jam!
King: The jam! The jam! By order of the king!
Mad Hatter: The jam!
Queen: Let me have it! Somebody’s head is going to roll for this! A-ha!
Alice: The mushroom!
Queen: Off with her h…hmpf!
Alice: Oh, pooh. I’m not afraid of you! Why, you’re nothing but a pack of cards!
King: Rule forty-two: all persons more than a mile high must leave the court immediately.
Alice: I’m not a mile high. And I’m not leaving.
Queen: Hehehe… sorry! Rule forty-two, you know.
Alice: And as for you, your majesty! Your majesty indeed! Why, you’re not a queen, but just a fat, pompous, bad tempered old ty- tyrant…
Queen: Hmhmhmhm… and uh… what were you saying, my dear?
Cheshire Cat: Well, she simply said that you’re a fat, pompous, bad tempered old tyrant, hahahaha!
Queen: Off with her head!
King: You heard what her majesty said! Off with her head! …
All: Forward, backward, inward, outward, here we go again! No one ever loses and no one can ever win. Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, there’s…
Queen: Off with her head! Off with her head!
March Hare: Just a moment! You can’t leave a tea party without having a cup of tea, you know!
Alice: But- but I can’t stop now!
March Hare: Ah, but we insist! You must join us in a cup of tea!
Queen: Off with her head!
Alice: Mister Caterpillar! What will I do?
Caterpillar: Who are you?
Alice: Cough-cough! Cough-cough!
Queen: There she goes! Don’t let her get away! Off with her head!
Doorknob: Awww! Still locked, you know.
Alice: But the Queen! I simply must get out!
Doorknob: Oh, but you are outside.
Doorknob: See for yourself!
Alice: Why, why that’s me! I’m asleep!
Queen: Don’t let her get away! Off with her head!
Alice: Alice, wake up! Please wake up, Alice! Alice! Please wake up, Alice! Alice! Alice! Alice!
Sister: Alice! Alice! Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?
Alice: Huh? Oh. Oh! Uh… how doth the little crocodile, improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the…
Sister: Alice, what are you talking about?
Alice: Oh, I’m sorry, but you see, the Caterpillar said…
Sister: Caterpillar? Oh, for goodness sake. Alice, I… Oh, well. Come along, it’s time for tea.
Chorus: Alice in Wonderland, over the hill or here or there, I wonder where.
Alice in Wonderland, how do you get to Wonderland? Over the hill or under land, or just behind the tree? Alice in Wonderland, where is the path to Wonderland? Over the hill or here or there, I wonder where.