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            17 AGAIN
         
         
         
                                   Written by
         
                                  Jason Filardi
         
         
         
         
                                                        October 2007
         
         
         
         EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DUSK
         
         A few cars scatter the parking lot. WE hear GRUNTS followed
         by the distinct sound of basketballs shredding net.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - CONTINUOUS
         
         An empty gymnasium except for a shirtless MIKE O'DONNELL, 17.
         Mike stands feet BEYOND the 3 point line, grabs balls from a
         hopper and rapidly shoots, shoots, shoots.
         SWISH...SWISH...SWISH. This kid's automatic.
         
         Mike's hair, a pompadour mullet a la `21 Jump Street' and
         short shorts circa 1989.
         
         Mustached and curly haired COACH HARVEY, 40, enters.
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Hey, O'Donnell, save some for the
                   game.
         
         Mike sinks one last jumper, turns to the Coach.
         
                             MIKE
                   Just warming up, Coach.
         
         Coach Harvey hands Mike a towel.
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   First game of the season and the
                   scouts are already lining up. You
                   have half the season I know you're
                   capable of, you can play anywhere
                   you want, Mike.
         
                             MIKE
                   That's the plan coach.
         
         The rest of the FITCH FALCONS basketball team jogs out from
         the locker room followed by a PHOTOGRAPHER.
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Round up, Jock Straps! Picture
                   time.
         
         The Team assembles in the middle of the court. A PLAYER
         kneeling in front holds a sign, `FITCH FALCONS, 1989'.
         
                              MIKE
                   Hold on.   Ed's not here yet.
         
         DOM, 17, handsome, tall, long rat tail, scoffs-
         
                                                                    2.
         
         
         
                                 DOM
                   Who cares?      He's the water boy.
         
                             MIKE
                   And you suck, Dom, but we're
                   letting you in the picture.
         
         A shoving match breaks out between Mike and Dom.
         
                                 COACH HARVEY
                   Hey!   Hey!     Knock it off.
         
         Coach Harvey pulls the Players apart just as the gym doors
         burst open. ED FREEDMAN, 17, sporting a jacket over a WIZARD
         costume, runs in, trips on his robe, gets up, peels his
         clothes off.
         
                             ED
                   Sorry I'm late. I was locked in a
                   life and death battle with the dark
                   wizard...
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   ...Fall in, Freedman. Hurry up.
         
         Ed takes a spot next to Dom.
         
                             PHOTOGRPAHER
                   And 3, 2, 1-
         
         WE see Dom reach behind Ed, grab hold of his
         underwear...RRRRIIIPP...FLASH. And with the flash WE cut to:
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - NIGHT
         
         The Falcons run, pass and shoot on one end of the court.    On
         the opposite end, a TEAM in BLUE warms up.
         
         Lights dim. Cue MC Hammer's `Can't Touch This'. CHEERLEADERS
         at center court perform the Hammer DANCE ROUTINE. PAN around
         the gym, everybody's doing the Hammer dance.
         
         Ed awkwardly tries to imitate Mike.
         
         Coach shakes his head in disgust and when the routine ends-
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Alright, Ladies, bring it in!
         
         The Falcons swarm to the bench, take seats.     Ed hands waters
         to the Players, skips Dom, stops at Mike.
         
                                                                 3.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Ed, I can't help you with the girls
                   if you keep showing up places
                   dressed like the Cookie Crisp guy.
                   Okay? Dude, don't look now but I
                   think Muffy Campanella is scopin'
                   you hard.
         
                               ED
                   For real?
         
         Ed jerks around to blatantly stare at her.
         
                             MIKE
                   Smile, pud.
         
         Ed flashes a goofy smile.   MUFFY mimes puking.
         
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                   My bad.
         
                               GIRL'S VOICE (o.s.)
                   Mike?
         
         SCARLET, 17, an 80's beauty, stands at the end of the bench.
         
                             MIKE
                   Who's that stone cold fox? Oh,
                   it's my girlfriend.
                       (walks over)
                   I'm glad you're here, Scar. This
                   whole scout thing's got me wicked
                   nervous.
         
         Dom dribbles past, smiles at Scarlet.
         
                             DOM
                   I'm dedicating my first basket to
                   you, Scarlet.
         
                             MIKE
                   Way you shoot that might be mid-
                   season!
                       (to Scarlet)
                   Everything cool?
         
         She smiles nervously, lies...
         
                              SCARLET
                   Oh yeah. Everything's totally
                   copacetic.
         
                                                                        4.
         
         
         
                      MIKE                              SCARLET
         Totally?                           Totally.
         
         REFEREE blows the whistle.
         
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Let's go! Remember, Boys, winners
                    get the girls. Losers please
                    themselves!
         
                              MIKE
                        (to Scarlet)
                    Excellent. Gotta run.
         
         He kisses her cheek, starts off, turns back-
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    What's wrong?
         
         LONG SHOT: We hear nothing but see Mike's body deflate. He
         steps away from Scarlet towards center court.
         
         Muffy and her friends mock Ed and laugh hysterically
         
                              ED
                    Do you really think Muffy's in to
                    me?
         
         Mike, in a daze walks right past Ed. Takes his place for the
         jump ball. The Crowd stomps and cheers LOUDLY.
         
         The Ref is about to toss the ball. Mike looks up at the
         stands, sees a crushed Scarlet heading for the exit. Mike's
         torn. Play or go after her. He goes after her.
         
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Where you going!? O'Donnell!?
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/TUNNEL - NIGHT
         
         Mike rushes in.
         
                                MIKE
                    Scar!    Wait.
         
         She turns, slumps against the wall.    Mike catches up to her.
         Mike leans in and kisses Scarlet.
         
                                                                  CUT TO:
         
                                                                    5.
         
         
         
         
         EXT. PALISADES NEIGHBORHOOD. PRESENT DAY - MORNING
         
         Opulent HOMES.   OCEAN views.   Luxury CARS.   Manicured LAWNS.
         
         The sound of an alarm clock shatters the silence as WE settle
         in on a large, MEDITERRANEAN STYLE HOUSE.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
         
         MIKE O'DONNELL, now 36, angrily slaps the alarm off...6 AM.
         He climbs out of bed, bones creaking, stiff, groans.
         
         
         INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
         
         A showered, suited Mike stands before the mirror, knots a tie
         around his neck.
         
                             MIKE
                       (UNINSPIRED)
                   Today is going to be a good day.     I
                   love my job. I am a lucky man.
                   Who's lucky? Mike O'Donnell.
         
         Mike yanks his tie straight up as if he were hanging himself.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - MORNING
         
         ED FREEDMAN, now 36, lies on a portable table in his boxers.
         ACUPUNCTURE NEEDLES protrude from every inch of his body,
         neck and face...at least 5000 needles.
         
         A HOT, YOUNG ACUPUNCTURIST adds more to him.
         
                             ACUPUNCTURIST
                   Can you feel your Qi flowing
                   freely?
         
                             ED
                   I'm not sure if its my Qi or
                   internal bleeding.
         
         Mike enters, shakes his head in amusement.
         
                             MIKE
                   What are you doing now?
         
         Ed looks over, sees Mike watching.
         
                                                                 6.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   There he is. There's Mr. Sunshine.
                   Fei Jing Acupuncture. It's all the
                   rage. Makes you look five years
                   younger.
         
         Ed climbs slowly off the table, shuffles over, groaning in
         pain the entire way. He pours himself a shot of BROWN LIQUID
         from a pitcher, throws the shot back and immediately SPITS it
         all over the place.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                       (calls to Acupuncturist)
                   What's this brown stuff again?
         
                             ACUPUNCTURIST
                   Rhinoceros urine. Pure protein.
         
                             ED
                   Delish!
                       (to Mike)
                   The girl has absolutely no clue
                   what she's doing.
         
                             MIKE
                   Then why are you letting her stick
                   needles in you?
         
                             ED
                   Because she's hot. But today's not
                   about me. It's about you becoming
                   the new regional sales manager.
         
                             MIKE
                   I better be. I've invested 18
                   years of my life in that miserable
                   company.
         
                             ED
                   No negativity. Negativity's for
                   the 800 pound fat lady who needs to
                   be airlifted out of bed. You,
                   Michael Shawn O'Donnell, are a
                   winner.
         
                             MIKE
                   A winner doesn't have to crash at
                   his best friend's house because he
                   was kicked out of his own house.
         
                             ED
                   Are you kidding?! It doesn't get
                   any better than this!
                             (MORE)
         
                                                                   7.
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   I gotta get back. My legs just
                   went numb. Good luck today.
         
         Ed drags painfully back to the Acupuncturist.
         
         
         EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - MORNING
         
         Mike wheels his Audi A4 below a nondescript, two level
         building. Sign reads, `Wyatt Pharmaceuticals'.
         
         
         INT. WYATT PHARMACEUTICALS/CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
         
         PHARMACEUTICAL DRUG POSTERS cover the walls.    Smiling faces,
         happy couples...little pills.
         
         Surrounding a conference table are Mike's colleagues...HOT
         WOMEN, 20 to 35, in skimpy business suits, chatting away.
         
         Mike sits amongst them, the only male present. A glum look
         on his face. WENDY, bubbly, ditsy, 22, leans over to him.
         
                             WENDY
                   Congratulations, Mike. You deserve
                   it. You're like a totally amazing
                   salesman.
         
                             MIKE
                   Thanks, Wendy. That like totally
                   means so much to me.
         
         ROGER, 23, boss, strides through the door.
         
                             ROGER
                   Good morning, peeps. As you all
                   know, today I'll be naming the new
                   regional sales manager. What's it
                   take to be an RSM? Leadership
                   skills, a comprehensive knowledge
                   of today's prescription
                   pharmaceuticals and most
                   importantly a dedicated soldier.
         
         Mike straightens his tie, buttons his suit jacket.
         
                             ROGER (CONT'D)
                   All being said, congratulations-
                       (Mike begins to rise)
                   Wendy.
         
         Dumbfounded, Mike slumps back into his seat.    Wendy springs
         up out of hers, SCREAMING and BOUNCING.
         
                                                                 8.
         
         
         
                             ROGER (CONT'D)
                   Now go out there and sell some
                   drugs peeps!
         
         The Women stream out.
         
                             MIKE
                   How could you do this to me? I've
                   been a salesman here 18 years.
                   Wendy's only been here 2 months!?
         
                             ROGER
                   Look, your sales are admittedly
                   better but she has the college
                   degree. What can I do?
         
                             MIKE
                   You can give me the promotion,
                   Roger!
         
                             ROGER
                   Things have changed. I couldn't
                   even hire you now with only a high
                   school diploma. My hands are tied,
                   bro-ski.
         
         Mike swallows his pride and exits.
         
         
         EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - DUSK
         
         Mike pulls into the empty parking lot, climbs out of his car
         and into the building.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DUSK
         
         Mike hurries down the hall, opens a door, peeks his head in.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DUSK
         
         Mike peers around...nobody.
         
                              MIKE
                   Alex?
         
         No answer. A basketball sits in the middle of the floor.
         Mike enters, picks up the ball, begins dribbling...faster,
         between his legs, around his back, up to the 3 point line-
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                   3, 2, 1-
         
                                                                    9.
         
         
         
         Mike hits a perfect jumper at the imaginary buzzer, smiles.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   The kid's still got it.
         
         Mike dashes for the bouncing ball, scoops it up, goes for a
         reverse lay up, makes it but when he lands...he
         lands...CRACK...hard. Mike grabs his lower back, groans-
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Ooooh.   That was stupid.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DUSK
         
         Mike limps out of the gym, wanders over to a wall covered in
         PHOTOGRAPHS...Fitch basketball teams of the past.
         
         Mike searches the pictures until he finds it...the photo WE
         saw being taken earlier...the team of 1989. Ed mid howl from
         Dom's wedgy.
         
         Mike stares at the photograph...lost in time and thought.
         The smiling, confident image of his youth stares back at him.
         
                             MALE VOICE (o.s.)
                   You know someone in that picture?
         
         Mike startles from his daydream, turns. A kind-faced, old
         JANITOR, stands behind him, mop in hand.
         
                               MIKE
                   I do. Me.     I'm in the center
                   there.
         
         The Janitor leans in, takes a closer look at Young Mike.
         
                             JANITOR
                   Adolescence can be so cruel.
         
                             MIKE
                   What are you talking about?
                       (lost in the picture
                        AGAIN)
                   I had life by the balls in that
                   picture. Everything was possible.
                   Then a few minutes later, pffffft,
                   all gone.
         
                             JANITOR
                   `For of all sad words of tongue and
                   pen, the saddest are these: `It
                   might have been...'
         
                                                                   10.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   That'll be my epitaph.
         
                             JANITOR
                   We all have regrets.
         
                             MIKE
                   Why's it have to be that way?
         
                             JANITOR
                   Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.
                   Can't hurt to ask. You never know
                   who's listening, Michael.
         
         Michael wistfully eyes the old photo, looks back to the
         JANITOR-
         
                             MIKE
                   How did you know...
         
                             ALEX (O.S.)
                   ...What are you doing, Dad?
         
         ALEX, 15, messy hair and slight, and MAGGIE, 17 and awkwardly
         pretty, appear at the other end of the hall.
         
                                MIKE
                   Hey, Guys.     I was just talking to-
         
         Mike looks back to the Janitor...GONE.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Never mind. Sorry I'm late. You
                   ready to get some dinner then?
         
         They make their way towards the door.    Mike limping.
         
                             ALEX
                   Why are you limping?
         
                             MIKE
                   Tweaked my back pumping iron.
                   Really, really heavy iron.
         
         
         INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - NIGHT
         
         Mike, Alex and Maggie sit before dinner.    Alex eats heartily.
         Maggie quietly pushes her food around.
         
                             MIKE
                   I bet your chompin' at the bit for
                   hoop season to start.
         
                                                         11.
         
         
         
                             ALEX
                   Yeah, me and the guys are running
                   drills, scrimmaging, getting in
                   shape.
         
         Maggie stifles a laugh.
         
                             MIKE
                   That's my boy. Remember, it's not
                   how big you are-
         
                             ALEX
                   -it's how big you play.
         
         Father and Son touch fists.
         
                             MIKE
                   And what about you, Mags?   What's
                   new?
         
                               MAGGIE
                   Nothing.
         
                             ALEX
                   She got into Georgetown.
         
                               MIKE
                   You did!?    That's fantastic!
         
                             MAGGIE
                   It's no big deal.
         
                             MIKE
                   It's a huge deal. That's a great
                   university. I'm proud of you.
                       (Maggie remains quiet)
                   Am I missing something here?
         
                             MAGGIE
                   You wouldn't understand.
         
                               MIKE
                   Try me.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   I have a lot of emotional stress
                   right now. My friends are all
                   going to different schools, I'm not
                   even sure...
         
                                                                    12.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   That's not stress. Wait `til you
                   get out into the real world, get a
                   crappy job, have some smarmy twerp-
                   boss calling you bro-ski...
         
         Maggie rolls her eyes.
         
                             ALEX
                   Did you get the promotion, Dad?
         
                             MIKE
                   Still waiting to hear.
         
         Mike forces a smile hiding his disappointment.
         
         
         EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY/MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         Mike pulls up behind a `Dom's Nursery' van. He, Alex and
         Maggie step out. Mike eyes the van with disdain.
         
                             MIKE
                   Is your mom home?
         
                             ALEX
                   She's probably out back.
         
                             MIKE
                   Hey, next week we'll have a
                   barbecue at Uncle Ed's. Sound
                   good?
         
                             MAGGIE
                   I'm counting down the minutes.
         
         Maggie heads straight for the modest ranch house and inside.
         
                             MIKE
                   What's with her?
         
                             ALEX
                   We see you once a week for a couple
                   hours. What do you expect?
         
         Alex follows Maggie into the house.   Mike makes his way
         around back.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
         
         As Mike rounds the corner, he almost runs into a smiling Dom
         Johnson, 36. Don lugs 3 loaded trash bags.
         
                                                                    13.
         
         
         
                             DOM
                   Hey, Mike. Good to see you.    Tough
                   break, you and Scarlet.
         
                             MIKE
                   Bite me, Dom.
         
         Dom serves Mike a cocky wink, continues on.    Mike scowls.
         
         Scarlet, 36, slams a shovel into the ground, wedges it
         beneath a dying shrub and rips it out.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   A little late for a delivery isn't
                   it?
         
                             SCARLET
                   Dom was in the neighborhood. He
                   offered to make a dump run for me.
         
                             MIKE
                   Doesn't he live 30 miles from here?
         
                             SCARLET
                   What's your point?
         
                             MIKE
                   Come on. He's been after you since
                   10th grade and he's after you now.
         
                             SCARLET
                   At least someone's after me.
         
         Mike smiles playfully and begins to serenade-
         
                             MIKE
                   `In touch with the ground, I'm on
                   the hunt I'm after you.'
         
         Scarlet shakes her head-
         
                             SCARLET
                   Please, Mike. This isn't high
                   school. That's not gonna work.
         
                             MIKE
                   `Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a
                   crowd, and I'm hungry like the
                   wolf.'
         
         Mike flirtatiously stalks her.   Scarlet fights smiling.
         
                                                                14.
         
         
         
                             SCARLET
                   You can stop now. It's not
                   working.
         
                             MIKE
                   `Mouth is alive, with juices like
                   wine, and I'm hungry like the wolf'
         
         Mike gets close to Scarlet's face. She smiles, stops herself
         and pushes him away.
         
                             SCARLET
                   You no longer have the right to
                   invoke the "wolf."
         
         A chastised Mike eyes the yard...it's a WRECK...holes and
         mounds of dirt everywhere, carcasses of dead plants, bushes
         and flowers strewn about.
         
                             MIKE
                   Why are you destroying the yard?
         
         Scarlet stops shoveling, wipes dirt from her face.
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'm gonna use it as a showpiece for
                   clients. Thanks for asking.
         
                             MIKE
                   Kind of a big undertaking isn't it?
         
                             SCARLET
                   I am a landscape designer. Then
                   again you barely took an interest
                   in my work so I guess that's a fair
                   question.
         
         An awkward silence.   Then-
         
                             MIKE
                   I didn't get it.
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'm sorry. But maybe this is what
                   you needed. Maybe it's time you
                   looked for something else?
         
                             MIKE
                   That's a great idea, Scar. Because
                   there are so many options out there
                   for a 36 year old with only a high
                   school diploma.
         
                                                                     15.
         
         
         
         Scarlet throws the shovel to the ground.
         
                             SCARLET
                   And it's all my fault, isn't it?
         
                             MIKE
                   I didn't say that.
         
                             SCARLET
                   No, but it's what you think, right?
         
         Mike's silence says it all.    Scarlet fights back tears.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   I never asked you to marry me.
         
                                MIKE
                   But I did.
         
         Scarlet shakes her head in frustration.
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'm sorry you're not happy with the
                   way your life turned out Mike,
                   really, I am, but you're not the
                   victim here.
         
         Scarlet goes back to shoveling.    Mike turns, steps, falls
         into a hole.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S AUDI - NIGHT
         
         A somber Mike drives alongside the Los Angeles River. An old
         song plays low on the radio...static...then...BOOM. THUNDER
         roars scaring Mike and literally shaking the Audi. SPLASH.
         RAIN drops in buckets.
         
                                MIKE
                   Jesus!
         
         Mike turns the wipers on high. Not much help. He slows the
         car to a crawl, straining to see out the windshield.
         
         LIGHTNING flashes. We see the Janitor leaning over the
         railing looking into the raging river. Mike brakes, throws
         his door open, jumps out into the pouring rain.
         
         
         EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
         
                                MIKE
                   Hey!?     Get away from there!?
         
                                                                   16.
         
         
         
         Mike, blinded by the rain makes his way to the railing. The
         Janitor's GONE.
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Oh no!!   Hello!?
         
         Mike leans over the rickety railing, looks down...
         
         The phosphorescent water swirls angrily...rising quickly.
         It's mesmerizing. Magical. Mike can't take his eyes off-
         
         LIGHTENING FLASHES Mike's 17 year-old face reflection stares
         back up at him.
         
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                   What the-
         
         CRACK. The railing BREAKS.    Mike FALLS...SPLASH...headlong
         into the river.
         
                                                              CUT TO:
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE - NEXT MORNING
         
         Mike's Audi rolls into the driveway. The door swings open.
         A muddy, shoeless foot steps out followed by a shoed foot but
         in no better shape.
         
         WE follow the feet, tattered slacks dragging on the cement,
         to the door. 2 filthy hands dig into pockets, searching-
         
                             MIKE
                   Damn it.
                       (pushes doorbell)
                   Ed! Ed! I lost my key!
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE - MORNING
         
         Ed, wrapped in a robe, tissue between his toes, wobbles to
         the door so as not to mess up his freshly polished nails.
         
                              ED
                   Coming!   I've been worried sick!
                   WHERE-
         
         Ed opens the door...standing before him is Mike, covered in
         MUD. His ripped, grimy suit now hangs off of him
         because...HE'S 17 AGAIN.
         
         Ed's eyes widen with FEAR.
         
                                                                17.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   I've had a really rough night.
         
                             ED
                   AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
         
         Ed slams the door, frantically wobbles away. The door opens,
         ANGLE ON the muddy feet as they enter and follow the trail of
         cotton balls up the stairs and to the bathroom door.
         
         
         INT. BATHROOM - DAY
         
         ANGLE ON Ed cowering against the back wall, brandishing an
         over-sized loofah. The door slowly swings open. Ed gasps-
         
                             ED
                   Don't come any closer!    I'll use
                   it!
         
                             MIKE
                   What are you gonna do? Exfoliate
                   me to death?
                       (Ed shrieks)
                   You got into my samples case again,
                   didn't you?
         
         A whimpering Ed points to the mirror.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   What's your problem, it's only mud.
         
         The muddy feet turn toward the mirror and-
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
         
         ANGLE ON the mirror. Mike's 17. He turns on the water,
         splashes his face frantically. Mud gone. He's still 17.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
         
         Mike tears his suit jacket and shirt off...hairless chest.
         He yanks off his pants, peeks down his boxers-
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   I'm dreaming right? Is this some
                   kind of hallucination?
         
         Mike pulls Ed up by his robe.
         
                                                                   18.
         
         
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Do something! Anything!    Pinch me!
         
         Ed throws a knee into Mike's nuts, bolts out the door
         SCREAMING. Mike crumbles.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   I said pinch!
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/FOYER - DAY
         
         Ed reaches the door, fumbles with the locks. He just manages
         to open the door when Mike tackles him to the floor.
         
         The two buddies roll around, limbs intertwined.
         
                             MIKE
                   Calm down! We need to talk!     We
                   can work this out!
         
                             FEMALE VOICE (o.s.)
                   Aye dios mio!
         
         They stop wrestling, look up.   The LATINO MAID stands in the
         doorway genuflecting.
         
                             ED
                   Maria, we're just friends.   Really.
         
         The Maid hurries off muttering prayers in Spanish.
         
                                                              CUT TO:
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - LATER
         
                             ED
                   My theory is that you were
                   transformed by a freak congruence
                   of some of the planets most
                   volatile elements. I've recreated
                   the exact contents of the LA River.
                   The toxic pollutants, the
                   contaminants.
         
         REVEAL Mike in the gurgling green water of the hot tub.
         
                             MIKE
                   Well, it obviously isn't working.
         
                                                                  19.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   That's because the cocktail's not
                   complete.
         
         Ed picks up a TOASTER attached to an extension cord.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   Last night we had the worst
                   electrical storm of the last
                   hundred years.
         
                             MIKE
                   Is that true?
         
                             ED
                   It was pretty bad.
         
         Ed raises the toaster-
         
                             MIKE
                   Wait!! Wait!! Wait!! Do you
                   really think this'll work?
         
                               ED
                   It could.
         
         Ed tosses it in. Mike screams.   Nothing happens.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   Oops. Came unplugged. Won't be a
                   moment.
         
         Ed reaches down to plug it in.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   What were you doing by the river
                   anyway?
         
         CLOSE ON MIKE, Light bulb goes off.   He leaps out, runs for
         the house.
         
                             MIKE
                   The janitor!
         
                                                             CUT TO:
         
         
         EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - DAY
         
         The Audi screeches to a stop in front of the school.   Mike
         bounds out, wearing a robe, races inside.
         
                                                                  20.
         
         
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
         
         Mike rushes past baffled STUDENTS, asking no one in
         PARTICULAR-
         
                             MIKE
                   Has anyone seen the janitor? Is
                   the janitor here? Where's the
                   janitor?
         
         Mike reaches the familiar wall of pictures.    Kids point,
         laugh, stare.
         
         A FEMALE JANITOR, steps from a room.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Excuse me! Excuse me!? Can you
                   tell me where I can find the night
                   janitor?
         
                             JANITOR
                   I'm the only custodial engineer
                   currently employed here.
         
                             MIKE
                   There was an old guy, white hair.
                   I showed him this picture of me-
         
         Mike points to the 1989 team photo.
         
                              JANITOR
                   -Of you?   That picture's from 1989.
         
         Mike backs away from the picture and the Janitor.
         
                              MIKE
                   Right.   Forget it.
         
         Confused, Mike stumbles to the bathroom. He's about to enter,
         three letter jacket wearing JOCKS, STAN, JAZZ and KEVIN,
         burst out laughing, knocking Mike on the way by.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/BATHROOM - DAY
         
         Mike enters, moves to a sink, turns the water on-
         
                             VOICE (o.s.)
                   Can I get a little help in here?
         
         Mike turns, sees what appears to be UNDERWEAR stretched over
         the corner of a closed stall door.
         
                                                                 21.
         
         
         
         Mike approaches the door, swings it open...there HANGS Alex,
         sneakers dangling 3 feet off the ground. The back of his
         underwear wrenched up over the corner of the door.
         
                              MIKE
                   Alex?   What are you doing up there?
         
                             ALEX
                   I wanted to see if I could get my
                   nuts into my esophagus. What do
                   you think I'm doing!? Get me down!
         
                              MIKE
                   Okay.   Okay. I'll get you down.
         
         Mike pulls the underwear off the door.   Alex drops, reaches
         down his pants, adjusts his underwear.
         
                             ALEX
                   How do you know my name?
         
                             MIKE
                   I'm...Mark...Freedman. Your Uncle
                   Ed's son. He told me to look out
                   for you.
         
                             ALEX
                   Uncle Ed has a son?
         
                             MIKE
                   Believe me, it's gonna be a
                   surprise to him too. Did those
                   guys do this to you?
         
                             ALEX
                   Goons from the basketball team.
         
                              MIKE
                   But why?
         
                             ALEX
                   Because they can and so they do on
                   a daily basis.
         
                             MIKE
                       (SHOCKED)
                   But you're one of them.
         
                             ALEX
                   No, I'm not. Nice robe, guy. Gotta
                   go.
         
         Alex walks out bowlegged.   A devastated Mike watches him go.
         
                                                                 22.
         
         
         
         
         INT. AUDI - MOMENTS LATER
         
         Mike drives off out of the parking lot. To his left he spies-
         ANGLE ON: Stan and Maggie making out against Stan's Mustang.
         
         Mike pounds on the horn, scaring them apart.   Drive's off.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
         
         Ed sits at the island, a laptop in front of him. On the
         screen WE see he's perusing www.spellscursesincantations.com.
         
         The sound of the front door opening and closing. Mike enters.
         
                             ED
                   Did you find the janitor?
         
                             MIKE
                   He doesn't exist.   Nothing makes
                   sense.
         
                             ED
                   Did he ask you for your soul?
         
                             MIKE
                   No?
         
                             ED
                   That's a good sign. We can
                   eliminate Satan.
                       (clicks on a link)
                   I think what we're dealing with
                   here is a spell of enlightenment.
                       (peruses the page)
                   "Spell affect"..."casting
                   procedure"...yada, yada, yada.
                   Basically it's a learning spell.
                   There's something you need to
                   figure out and until you do you'll
                   stay a kid. My guess is that
                   janitor was probably a war...
         
                             MIKE
                   ...I'm going back to high school.
         
                             ED
                   ...lock. I'm sorry. Could you
                   repeat that? Because I thought you
                   just said you were-
         
                                                                23.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Going back to high school.
         
         Mike grabs a beer from the fridge, cracks it. As Mike is
         about to take a sip, Ed swipes the beer from his hand...CHUGS
         it down.
         
                             ED
                   Are you out of your freaking mind!?
         
                             MIKE
                   My son was hanging by his underwear
                   from a bathroom stall door and my
                   daughter was being mauled by a
                   smarmy gorilla. They need me.
         
                             ED
                   What about your job?
         
                             MIKE
                   Email and telephone.   I got it
                   covered.
         
                             ED
                   Well, Scarlet, then.   What are you
                   gonna tell her?
         
                              MIKE
                   Nothing.
         
                             ED
                   You're just gonna disappear?
         
                             MIKE
                   To be honest, I think she'd rather
                   have it that way. What's with the
                   attitude?
         
                             ED
                   Because I know you're going to suck
                   me into this and I'm not going back
                   there, Mike. You'll never get me
                   to go back to Fitch. Never!
         
                                                           CUT TO:
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/OFFICE - DAY
         
                             ED
                   I hate you.
         
                                                                 24.
         
         
         
         PULL BACK TO REVEAL Ed and Mike sit outside Principal's
         office. Mike is dressed in an overly exaggerated hip style,
         (a grown-ups concept of what's cool- he looks ridiculous).
         
                               MIKE
                     Take a deep breath. All you have to
                     do is enroll me and say as little
                     as possible.
         
         Ed calms.   Mike pulls a manila folder out of his book bag.
         
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                     Are you sure these look legit?
         
                               ED
                         (offended/cocky)
                     Please. I created software used to
                     launch the space shuttle. I think
                     I'm capable of forging some report
                     cards. What's up with the gear?
         
                               MIKE
                     This is hip teenage apparel. I got
                     it right off the mannequin at Ed
                     Hardy.
         
                               SECRETARY
                     Ms. Goodwin will see you now.
         
         Mike and Ed stand, head for the door marked `Principal'.
         
                               ED
                     First sign this old hag is on to us
                     I'M-
         
         Mike and Ed step through the door-
         
         
         INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
         
         MS. GOODWIN, 35, sits behind her desk...she's no hag. She's
         an attractive, buttoned-up professional.
         
         Ed's face lights up and without missing a beat-
         
                               ED
                     -so glad we chose this school.   I'm
                     Ed Freedman.
         
         Ed steps in front of Mike, shakes Ms. Goodwin's hand.
         
                                                                 25.
         
         
         
                             JULIE
                   Nice to meet you. I'm Julie
                   Goodwin, principal here at Fitch
                   Senior High. And you behind there?
                   You are?
         
         Mike tries to peer around Ed.   Mike finally physically moves
         Ed steps aside.
         
                             ED
                   Oh, right. Sorry. This little
                   chicken pock here is Mark. Say
                   hello, Mark.
         
         Ed smiles, rubs Mikes head vigorously.   Mike slaps his hand.
         
                             MIKE
                   Nice to meet you, Julie.
         
                             JULIE
                   Around here you're going to have to
                   use Ms. Goodwin. Please, sit.
         
         Mike and Ed sit.
         
                             ED
                   Before we get started I want you to
                   know that Mark's a bastard.
         
                             JULIE
                   Excuse me!?
         
                             ED
                   I had him out of wedlock.   So the
                   answer is yes, I'm very
                   single...and very rich.
         
                             MIKE
                   Dad met mom in Thailand. She's a
                   very successful prostitute.
         
         Ed's smile fades.
         
                             JULIE
                   O-Kay. Did you bring your
                   transcripts?
         
         Mike hands Julie the folder. As Julie browses through it, Ed
         and Mike get into a pinching, elbowing fight. When she looks
         up, the friends stop. Both smiling.
         
                                                                  26.
         
         
         
                             JULIE (CONT'D)
                   So the last school you went to was
                   Cutler High in Connecticut. And
                   you were a straight A student.
                   Very impressive.
         
                             ED
                   I help him with his homework...a
                   lot.
         
                             MIKE
                   Oh, dad, the doctor called.     You
                   were right. It is herpes.
         
         Ed's jaw drops.   Julie rises abruptly.
         
                             JULIE
                   I think it's time we got Mark to
                   class. Lisa! Lisa!
         
         The door opens, in steps LISA, 18.
         
                             JULIE (CONT'D)
                   Lisa, will you print out a schedule
                   for Mark and show him to class?
         
                              LISA
                   Sure.   Come on, Mark.
         
         Mike stands.   Ed addresses him as fatherly as he knows how-
         
                             ED
                   Be a good boy now.   And sit up
                   straight.
         
         Mike glares at Ed, follows Lisa out.    Ed turns to Julie.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   They grow up so fast. Mojito?
         
                             JULIE
                   I beg your pardon.
         
                              ED
                   You strike me as a Mojito gal. I
                   know this little Cuban place, great
                   PLANTAINS-
         
                             JULIE
                   -Yeah, no. I don't date my
                   students' parents. It's a rule of
                   mine.
         
                                                                  27.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   I'll enroll him somewhere else.
         
                             JULIE
                   I really need to get back to work.
         
         Julie ushers Ed to the door.
         
                             ED
                   See you at the next bake sale then?
         
         Julie shuts the door, shakes her head in disbelief.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
         
         Mike steps in. Scattered giggles at his appearance. Mike
         takes a seat, eyes three sexy girls wearing next to nothing,
         SAMANTHA, LAUREN and JAMIE, busy texting on their phones.
         
                              MIKE
                   Do their mothers know they dress
                   like that?
         
         A GIRL next to him leans over-
         
                             GIRL
                   Those are the Wonder Bras.    Beware.
         
         The Jocks, Stan, Jazz and Kevin strut in. Mike's eyes
         narrow. Stan stops before Mike, looks him up and down-
         
                             STAN
                   What did you did do? Mug the
                   mannequin at the Ed Hardy store?
         
                             JAZZ
                   Tool!
         
         Laughter from the class. Mike shies. The Jocks sit, Stan
         behind Mike. Just as the last bell rings, Maggie rushes in,
         sits with the Bras.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Oh thank God he's not here.    I ran
                   all the way from-
         
         Something catches Maggie's eye.   It's Mike waving to her.
         
                             MAGGIE (CONT'D)
                   Why's that freak waving at me.
         
         Maggie places a hand over her face, looks down.
         
                                                                28.
         
         
         
                             MALE VOICE (o.s.)
                   Take your seats. Stop the talking.
         
         MR. ADAMS, 45, prissy, strides in carrying a stack of papers.
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   Here are yesterday's tests.    Let's
                   see how you all did.
         
         Moans from the class. Adams walks up and down the aisle
         slapping them down on the desks..
         
                             MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                   C-, C, B-, D, D-, F
         
         Adams reaches Maggie, drops the test on her desk...
         
                             MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                   D for O'Donnell.
         
         Humiliated, Maggie lowers her head.
         
                             MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                   Let me guess. Early acceptance?
                       (Maggie nods)
                   Where are we going?
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Georgetown.
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   If you flunk senior calculus you'll
                   be lucky to get into beauty school,
                   missy. So, if you plan on slacking
                   your way through my class, don't.
                   Save your parents tuition money and
                   pick up a blow dryer...
         
         Mike angrily stands-
         
                                MIKE
                   Enough!
         
         Mr. Adams turns to Mike.
         
                                MR. ADAMS
                   Excuse me?
         
                             MIKE
                   Do you think humiliating a 17 year-
                   old in front of her peers is
                   helpful or do you just get off on
                   it?
         
                                                                  29.
         
         
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   And you are?
         
                             MIKE
                   Mark Freedman. It's my first day.
         
         Adams turns, walks back towards the front of the room.
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   Well, Mr. Freedman-
         
         Stan signals his friends, takes out a LIGHTER, flicks it,
         leans forward and places the flame BETWEEN Mike's legs.
         
         The flame GLOWS RED against Mike's jeans.   The Jocks and Bras
         pull out their cells and begin VIDEOING.
         
         Adams scribbles on a pad-
         
                             MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                   -you've earned yourself a trip to
                   the principal's office. Welcome to
                   Fitch.
         
         Adams rips the paper off, holds it out towards Mike.   Mike
         sniffs at the air-
         
                              MIKE
                   Is someone barbecuing?
                       (BEAT)
                   YYYYEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!
         
         Mike LEAPS out of his shoes. A FLAME runs up his crotch.
         LAUGHTER. Mike, SCREAMING, runs around the room fanning his
         package.
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   Get out, Mr. Freedman!
         
         Mike snatches the slip from Adams and out the door.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CAFETERIA - DAY
         
         A packed lunchroom. The CLIQUES sit amongst themselves. WE
         notice all the KIDS hunched over STARING AT THEIR PHONES.
         
         Mike enters carrying a bag lunch. A BLACK BURN MARK on the
         crotch of his pants. A GAYSIAN spots him, yells-
         
                             GAYSIAN
                   Go Hot Pants! Do your dance, Girl!
         
                                                                30.
         
         
         
         The entire cafeteria turns to Mike and erupts in laughter.
         
         As Mike passes each table, WE see the kids are watching his
         `fire dance' on their phones.
         
         Mike approaches a table of the 3 BIGGEST LOSERS in school,
         unkempt hair, fat, acne. Mike begins to sit when-
         
                             BIGGEST LOSER
                   Look, we feel your pain. We really
                   do. But life's hard enough,
                   Brother.
         
         Mike nods, continues on past the snickering and catcalls
         until he sees Maggie and the Wonder Bras.
         
         ANGLE: Wonder Bra Table. Maggie, Samantha, Jamie and Lauren
         pick around plates of cafeteria food.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   What's the big deal? He stuck up
                   for me in class. It was a nice
                   thing to do.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   He was totally sexing on you.
         
                             LAUREN
                   He's coming. Pretend you're not
                   here.
         
         Mike approaches, big smile. The Wonder Bras look off in
         every direction except Mike's.
         
                             MIKE
                   Hi, Maggie. Hi, girls.     I'm Mark-
         
         The Girls continue looking away, ignoring Mike.
         
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Girls?    Hello? Anyone home?
         
                                LAUREN
                   Oh my God.     Can't you see we're not
                   here?
         
                               MIKE
                   Good.    So there's plenty of room
                   then.
         
         Mike drops down next to Samantha and across from Maggie.
         
                                                                31.
         
         
         
                             JAMIE
                   Oh, look. He brought a bag lunch.
                   How sped. (special ed)
         
         Mike hides his lunch.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Look, this table is V.I.P.     You're
                   a NIP.
         
                             MIKE
                   What's a NIP?
         
                             LAUREN
                   Not Important. Go away.
         
                             MIKE
                   Maggie, why are you friends with
                   these horrible girls?
         
                              MAGGIE
                   Listen, I appreciate what you did
                   in class but, I already have a
                   boyfriend.
         
                             MIKE
                   You have a boyfriend?
                       (his phone rings)
                   Excuse me a second.
         
         Mike pulls out an OLDER Blackberry phone, looks at the caller
         ID...Scarlet. He sends it to voice mail.
         
                             JAMIE
                   He still gets calls.    How 2007.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   I think my grandfather has that
                   phone.
         
                             MIKE
                   Maggie, could we talk somewhere
                   ELSE-
         
         The sound of a bouncing ball interrupts.
         
                              MALE VOICE (o.s.)
                   Yo!
         
         Mike turns.   Stan, Jazz and Kevin swagger over.
         
                                                                 32.
         
         
         
                             STAN
                   Bro-ski, what are you doing at our
                   table?
         
                              MAGGIE
                   Nothing.   He was just leaving.
         
         Maggie nods for Mike to go.
         
                             MIKE
                       (SARCASTIC)
                   We should do this again sometime.
         
         Mike stands. Stan pulls Maggie up, starts making out with
         her, hands all over her. WE can see Mike's blood BOIL until-
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Get your hands off her, you little
                   punk!
         
         Oops. Stan stops groping, steps over to Mike, a solid foot
         taller than him.
         
                             STAN
                   You gotta problem with me, `bra?
         
         Mike looks around...the entire cafeteria watches.   Defeated-
         
                             MIKE
                   No, no, I don't.
         
         Stan takes Mike's hat off, picks up an ice cream from
         Maggie's tray, puts the ice cream in the hat, places it back
         on Mike's head and SMUSHES it down.
         
                             STAN
                   Now make like Tom and Cruise.
         
         Flush with humiliation and ice cream dripping down his face,
         Mike turns and walks out.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   That was so not cool.
         
                            STAN
                   What? I'll buy you another ice
                   cream.
         
         WE see Alex, seated by himself at a back table, shake his
         head in disgust.
         
                                                                 33.
         
         
         
         
         INT. RESTAURANT/BAR - NIGHT
         
         A beaten down Mike sits alongside Ed at the bar.
         
                             MIKE
                   It was terrible. The place is
                   evil, Ed. That building needs to
                   be exorcised.
         
                             ED
                   Come on. It couldn't have been
                   that bad.
         
                             MIKE
                   My beanbag was lit on fire, videoed
                   and sent to every member of student
                   body.
         
                             ED
                   Yeah, I caught it on youtube.
                   Funny stuff.
         
                             MIKE
                   They mocked my clothes and phone.
                   My daughter got a tongue bath in
                   front of me and I have mint chip in
                   my ears.
         
                             ED
                   High school's great, isn't it?
         
         The BARTENDER approaches.
         
                             BARTENDER
                   What can I get you?
         
                             MIKE
                   Double scotch neat.
         
                             BARTENDER
                   Funny, kid.
         
                             ED
                   Get the boy a Shirley Temple.
                   Extra cherries.
         
         The Bartender nods serves up the drinks.   Mike miserably
         plucks a cherry off his pink drink.
         
                             MIKE
                   I'm not going back there.
         
                                                                   34.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   Mike, you're an adult sitting on 36
                   years of experience. You should be
                   dominating these kids, ripping
                   their hearts out.
         
         An OLDER WOMAN takes a seat next to the boys.
         
                             MIKE
                   I know why you're encouraging me
                   all of a sudden.
         
                             ED
                   Because I'm a supportive dad.
         
                              MIKE
                   Because you want to nail my
                   principal.
         
                             ED
                   Did she ask about me?
         
                             MIKE
                   She's not your type. She's smart.
         
                             ED
                   As far as I can tell that's her
                   only flaw. I need a reason to see
                   her again. You could flunk your
                   classes, start a fight, vandalise
                   the place. You'll figure it out.
                   Then I can rush in, a teary eyed,
                   helpless, single dad who can't
                   handle his angry, kitten killing
                   son. What do you think?
         
         The Older Lady, having listened to it all, turns to Ed-
         
                             OLDER LADY
                   I think you should be reported to
                   child services!
         
                             ED
                   Mind your business, Lady.   This is
                   a family matter.
         
         The Lady turns away in disgust.
         
                             MIKE
                   I can't do it. I don't have it in
                   me.
         
                                                                 35.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   Hey, no sweat off my sack. Tell
                   Alex to stop wearing underwear all
                   together. He'll be fine. That's
                   what I did.
         
         Mike eyes Ed, considers just how "well adjusted" Ed is. A
         determined look comes over Mike. He pounds the bar.
         
                             MIKE
                   You're right! My kids need me.
         
                             ED
                   At'a boy. Now what you need is a
                   crash course on being a teen in
                   2008.
         
         A MONTAGE OF MIKE'S CRASH COURSE
         
         
         EXT. MAGAZINE STAND - NIGHT
         
         The Boys gather a stack of TEEN MAGAZINES and TABLOID RAGS.
         Ed slips a MELONS Magazine into the pile.
         
         
         INT. TRENDY HAIR SALON - NIGHT
         
         A picture of a YOUNG, POPULAR STAR torn from one of the teen
         mags hangs on the mirror.
         
         A HAIRDRESSER cuts away and highlights Mike's long locks.     Ed
         sits beside Mike sipping wine, enjoying a manicure.
         
         
         INT. TRENDY CLOTHES STORE - NIGHT
         
         It's the PRETTY WOMAN scene. 2 hip SALESGIRLS pull clothes
         from racks. A clean cut Mike tries on sneakers, jeans, T-
         shirts, hoodies, shirts, jewelry. Ed nods with his approval
         or disapproval.
         
         At the register, the Girls hand Mike his bags of clothes.     Ed
         takes out his cell to put their numbers in it. The Girls
         frown and go back to work.
         
         
         INT. VIRGIN MEGA MUSIC STORE - NIGHT
         
         Mike and Ed stand before the wall of 100 top albums.   Both
         wear headphones listening and moving to the music.
         
                                                                  36.
         
         
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/OFFICE - NIGHT
         
         Mike and Ed, surrounded by the magazines and music discs, sit
         before the computer. Ed TEACHES Mike how to create a MYSPACE
         page.
         
         Bogus About Me and Interests. Photoshopped pictures of Mike
         in exotic locations. All the `now' movies, music and books.
         They fill his Friends section with only hot girls.
         
         The Boys view the flashy, finished product, tap fists.   This
         page makes `Mark Freedman' look like a playboy.
         
         
         INT. MAC STORE - NIGHT
         
         A SALESMAN hands a smiling Mike his new iPhone.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
         
         Mike sits on the bed, types away on his laptop. A knock on
         the door. Mike looks up and YELLS. Ed stands in the
         doorway, his entire body and head wrapped in SEAWEED.
         
                             ED
                   Before you ask, it's a seaweed
                   wrap. I'm detoxifying as well as
                   losing an inch or 2 from my problem
                   areas.
         
                             MIKE
                   There must be a very hot girl
                   downstairs.
         
                               ED
                   There is.    What are you doing?
         
                             MIKE
                   I forwarded my calls to my new
                   phone, sent some work emails and
                   just lobbed one to Scarlet, told
                   her I was in Peru finding myself.
                   Think she'll buy it?
         
                             ED
                   Probably not because when she
                   called earlier I told her you were
                   being detained at Guantanamo.
                   Ready for tomorrow?
         
                                                                     37.
         
         
         
                              MIKE
                    I am so ready.
         
         Ed flips Mike a set of keys.     Mike's eyes light up.
         
                              ED
                    That ought'a put you over the top.
                    And don't forget to hook me up son.
         
         Ed plods off.   Off Mike's huge smile.
         
         
         EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - MORNING
         
         The usual pre-school ritual. Stan, Jazz, Kevin, the Wonder
         Bras and Maggie all hang around Stan's `stang.
         
         Stan and Maggie wrapped in a heated embrace, kissing.
         
         HONK.   A horn blares.    Stan and Maggie jump out of the way.
         
         An ASTON MARTIN VANQUISH stops next to the crew. The tinted
         window rolls down revealing the new and improved Mike.
         
         Mike winks then rolls on past.
         
                                 SAMANTHA
                    Oh my god.     Was that-
         
                              JAMIE
                    Did you see-
         
                              LAUREN
                    I told you he was cute.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
         
         It's the MOMENT.   Mike walks the hallway, handsome and hip.
         
         Samantha, Lauren and Jamie text by their lockers.    Mike
         struts up to them. The Bras smile.
         
                              MIKE
                    So I've been here a couple days now
                    and I think I got it figured out.
                    You girls are lesbians, right?
         
         The Bras' jaws hit the floor. Mike walks off, a huge grin on
         his face. Man, that felt good.
         
                                                                38.
         
         
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CAFETERIA - DAY
         
         Mike steps from the kitchen area carrying a TRAY, scans the
         crowded room, finds Alex seated at a table ALONE. It's a
         heartbreaking image. Mike approaches-
         
                             MIKE
                   Mind if I sit here?
         
                               ALEX
                   Mark?    You look totally different.
         
         Mike sits across from Alex.
         
                             MIKE
                   I got rid of the bull's eye on my
                   forehead.
         
                             ALEX
                   Could you move to the left a
                   little?
         
         Mike inches left, peeks behind him...2 girls eat lunch
         together. The one facing them is a cute Latino, NICOLE, 16.
         
         Nicole smiles.    Alex quickly shies away.
         
                                MIKE
                   Who's she?
         
                             ALEX
                   Nicole Lopez. She's in my Spanish
                   class.
         
                             MIKE
                   Have you spoken to her?
         
                            ALEX
                   No. I get all stupid so I just
                   stare.
         
                             MIKE
                   I'll tell you a funny story. The
                   first time I met your mother I was
                   so nervous-
         
                                ALEX
                   My mother?
         
                                MIKE
                   What?
         
                                                                 39.
         
         
         
                             ALEX
                   You said, `the first time I met
                   your mother I was so nervous...'
         
                               MIKE
                   I did?    That's weird.   Is your mom
                   hot?
         
                               ALEX
                   Dude.
         
                             MIKE
                   What's going on tonight?    You wanna
                   hang out? Do something?
         
                               ALEX
                   Really?
         
                             MIKE
                   Yeah you could show me around.
         
                               ALEX
                   Cool.
         
         The Wonder Bras sway in, take seats at the VIP table.
         
                             MIKE
                   I'll swing by your house around 7.
         
         Mike rises.
         
                             ALEX
                   I wouldn't go over there. Stan and
                   his Baboons have lunch this period.
         
                             MIKE
                   Don't worry. I'll see you tonight.
         
         Mike strolls over to the Bras' table, plunks himself down.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Did you girls catch Ellen
                   yesterday? Rosie was on. Melissa
                   Etheridge jammed-
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   -You're so rude!? We're not gay.
                   We like boys.
         
                             JAMIE
                   Yeah, Samantha's a total slu...
         
         Samantha's jaw drops.
         
                                                                40.
         
         
         
                             LAUREN
                   Last New Year's Samantha made it
                   with my boyfriend.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   I was on like 5 Red Bulls! I can't
                   believe you keep bringing that up.
         
         The Bras' begin to bicker amongst themselves. Mike pulls out
         his new iPhone, plugs the earphones in his ears.
         
         The Bras immediately stop bickering, ogle the phone.
         
                                JAMIE
                   Rad phone.
         
                             MIKE
                   I know. I'll text you...NOT.
                   Later...much.
         
         Mike rises from the table.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Like we'd ever give you our
                   numbers.
         
         Stan, carrying a basketball, his goons and Maggie come up
         behind Mike.
         
                                STAN
                   Heads up!
         
         Stan whips the ball at Mike. Mike, cat-quick, spins around,
         catches the ball.
         
         The whole cafeteria turns their attention on Mike and Stan.
         Mike points to the name `Stan' on Stan's letter jacket, reads-
         
                             MIKE
                   Stan. Did mommy sew that on there
                   so you wouldn't forget your name?
         
         Laughter from the Students.
         
                             STAN
                   You think `cause you got a haircut
                   and new clothes people'd forget
                   what a fag you are?
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Cut it out, Stan.    Let's eat.
         
                                                                   41.
         
         
         
                             STAN
                   Gimme my ball back, bee-yotch.
         
         Mike ignores him and starts dribbling.
         
                             MIKE
                   You know, Stan, I feel sorry for
                   you.
         
                             STAN
                   You don't know me.
         
         Mike speaks loudly now, playing to the cafeteria.
         
                             MIKE
                   Oh but I do. All too well. You're
                   the man. Captain of the basketball
                   team. Dates the pretty girls.
                   High school is your kingdom.
         
         Stan and his Posse tap fists. Mike dribbles between his legs.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   But, People, Stan's a bully. Why?
                   It would be way too easy to say
                   Stan preys on the weak because he's
                   simply a dick. No, Stan's more
                   complex than that. According to
                   leading psychiatrists Stan is a
                   bully for 1 of 3 reasons. 1, under
                   all that male bravado there's an
                   insecure little girl banging on the
                   closet door trying to get out. 2,
                   like a caveman, Stan's brain is
                   underdeveloped. Therefore Stan is
                   unable to use self-control so he
                   acts out aggressively. And the
                   third reason-
         
         Mike holds up his pinky then spins the ball on it.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   I'd argue that Stan suffers from
                   all 3.
         
         The entire cafeteria LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
         
         Mike feigns whipping it back at Stan, who recoils, then
         gently rolls the ball back to Stan.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                       (WINKS)
                   Don't hurt yourself big boy.
         
                                                                   42.
         
         
         
         Some students, including Alex, ERUPT. The Wonder Bras eye
         Mike with new found lust.
         
         ANGLE ON Mike's face as he walks away.
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                       (to himself)
                   3, 2, 1...
         
         Mike ducks just as the ball whizzes overhead, rockets across
         the cafeteria landing on Miss Goodwin's tray, splattering her
         with food. She glares at Stan.
         
         Mike's iphone buzzes...ANGLE ON SCREEN: the Wonder Bras
         digits appear.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/COLLEGE CENTER - DAY
         
         Mike enters, approaches MRS. MENCER, 60.
         
                             MIKE
                   My guidance councilor made me come,
                   but just so you know I'm not
                   planning on going to college.
         
                             MRS. MENCER
                   A lot of kids feel that way. Don't
                   be intimidated. It doesn't hurt to
                   take a look.
         
         Mrs. Mencer hands Mike a hefty book.
         
                             MRS. MENCER (CONT'D)
                   A good place to start is here...
                   this book has information on every
                   college and university in the
                   country.
         
                             MIKE
                   Thanks.
         
         Mike sits, starts paging through the book and gets lost in
         the bright colored pictures...smiling STUDENTS, CAMPUSES and
         LECTURE HALLS...THE OPTIONS HE LOST YEARS AGO.
         
         
         INT. ASTON MARTIN - NIGHT
         
         A pumped-up Mike dials...ringing. On the seat beside him
         rests a stack of college applications. Ed answers.
         
                                                                43.
         
         
         
                             ED (o.s.)
                   Hello?
         
                             MIKE
                   It was incredible! I was
                   incredible! You should'a seen me!
                   I humiliated Stan in front of the
                   entire lunchroom. Everyone was
                   clapping. The popular girls were
                   begging to give me their numbers!
         
                             ED
                   See what happens when you put a
                   little lipstick on the pig? Did you
                   manage to get sent to the
                   principal's office?
         
                             MIKE
                   Man, I feel great! I even shot some
                   hoops after school. No aches. No
                   pains. Gotta run, Buddy.
         
         Mike hangs up.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         The Aston Martin pulls up. Mike climbs out, walks to the
         door, takes a deep breath and rings the bell.
         
                             SCARLET (o.s.)
                   Coming!
         
         The door opens revealing Scarlet in her dirty yard attire.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   I've been dying to meet you. I've
                   known your father since...(gasps)
         
         Scarlet...SPEECHLESS...visibly stunned by the resemblance...
         
                             MIKE
                   Is something wrong?
         
                             SCARLET
                       (FLUSTERED)
                   No. It's just...you look
                   like...No. I'm fine. Come in.
                   Please.
         
                                                                44.
         
         
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
         
         Scarlet and Mike sit across from one another. Scarlet stares
         at Mike as if examining every pore on his face.
         
                             SCARLET
                   And you say Ed Freedman is your
                   father?
         
                             MIKE
                   That's my dad. All 68 inches of
                   him.
         
                             SCARLET
                   You don't look anything like him.
                   If you don't mind me asking, who's
                   your mother?
         
                             MIKE
                   My mother...she...she was...a...
         
         Mike spies Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment on a table.
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   -a convict. In New Jersey. They
                   met while dad was at Princeton.
                   She was on parole. B&E, fist
                   fighting, shanking. Nothing major.
                   But she's dead now.
         
                              SCARLET
                   Oh?   I'm sorry.
         
                             MIKE
                   I warned her about kite surfing
                   during hurricane season. So how
                   are things with you? Doing
                   anything exciting? Dating?
                   Flirting with Dom Johnson maybe?
         
                             SCARLET
                   Why would you ask about Dom? Did Ed
                   tell you to say that?
         
                             MIKE
                   I mean do what you want. You're a
                   grown woman but, word on the street
                   is Dom's been spreading gingivitis
                   all over town.
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'll keep that in mind, Mark.
         
                                                                  45.
         
         
         
         Scarlet can't take her eyes off Mike.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   It's crazy how much you like my
                   husband when he was a teenager.
         
         Mike switches subjects, points to her dirty clothes-
         
                             MIKE
                   You doing some gardening?
         
                             SCARLET
                   I am. I'm a landscape designer.
                   I'm actually redoing the backyard.
                   I'll show you.
         
         Scarlet stands, leads Mike to the french doors.
         
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   It's a work in progress so you'll
                   have to use your imagination some.
         
         Scarlet opens the doors, flips on the lights. The yard's
         been cleaned up. Fresh blankets of sod rest in piles next to
         stacks of limestone. HUNDREDS of unplanted plants, flowers,
         trees and shrubs sit around the yard in strategic positions.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
         
         Mike and Scarlet step outside.
         
                             MIKE
                   I almost don't even recognize
                   it...er...if I had seen it before I
                   probably wouldn't recognize it.
         
                             SCARLET
                   You wouldn't have. It was a
                   disaster back here a few days ago.
                   Obviously I have a lot to do still.
                   I'm laying the sod next and the
                   limestone pathway will go here.
         
         Scarlet moves about the yard, pointing and explaining.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   Then I'll plant all those, over a
                   hundred different types of flowers
                   and plants. I have an amazing
                   fountain being delivered that'll go
                   here and a bench over there.
                             (MORE)
         
                                                               46.
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   And I'll string rows of tiny, white
                   lights above it all so every night
                   will be a starry one. It'll be a
                   real sanctuary back here.
         
                             MIKE
                   It seems like a lot'a work for one
                   person, Scar.
         
         A chill runs up Scarlet's spine.
         
                             SCARLET
                   My husband's the only one that ever
                   calls me that.
         
         Alex appears at the doors interrupting-
         
                               ALEX
                   Yo, Mark.    Let's do this.
         
                             MIKE
                   Good luck with the project.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Nice to meet you. And, Alex, be
                   home by 10:30.
         
         Mike heads back inside.   Scarlet stares after him.
         
         
         INT. ASTON MARTIN - NIGHT
         
         Mike and Alex step in.
         
                             MIKE
                   How's your mom doing? You know,
                   with your dad not being around and
                   all.
         
                             ALEX
                   She doesn't like to show it but I
                   know she's bummed. I think it
                   bothers her more that he hasn't
                   called me or Maggie in a while.
                   Whatever.
         
         BEEP. BEEP. Mike pulls out his iPhone, text message from
         Samantha. It reads:
         
                            SAMANTHA'S TEXT
                   Wat^? mobinit 2 zuma. soi! but
                   w/e. brb. bk. gtg. ttyl. xo.
                   sam.
         
                                                                  47.
         
         
         
         Mike stares at the screen as if it were in hieroglyphics.
         
                             MIKE
                   I have no idea what this says?
         
         Alex takes the phone from Mike, reads-
         
                             ALEX
                   It says `What up? Mobbing it to
                   Zuma. So over it but whatever. Be
                   right back. Back. Got to go.
                   Talk to you later. kiss, hug. Sam.
         
                             MIKE
                   Let's hit the beach, wingman.
         
         The two touch fists.
         
         
         EXT. ZUMA BEACH - NIGHT
         
         A BONFIRE illuminates the night sky. MUSIC plays. KIDS lay
         on blankets, play football. Others splash in the ocean.
         
         WE find Maggie and the Wonder Bras seated by the fire.
         
                              SAMANTHA
                   We were on his myspace page.
                   There's a picture of him jamming
                   with the Chili Peppers at
                   Coachella.
         
                             JAMIE
                   I heard Timbaland wants to produce
                   an album with him.
         
                             LAUREN
                   Yeah, but he turned him down to
                   help orphans with Brangelina in
                   Nambib-ib-bib...in Africa.
         
                                SAMANTHA
                   Oh my God!     I bet he knows Justin.
         
         ANGLE: Mike and a nervous Alex make their way down the sand.
         
                             ALEX
                   This looks boring. Let's go back
                   to my house and play video games.
         
         Alex turns.   Mike grabs his arm, turns him back.
         
                                                                    48.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   What are you so nervous about?
         
                             ALEX
                   The beach is for the older, cool
                   kids. I don't belong here.
         
                             MIKE
                   What are you talking about? You're
                   a basketball player. You're cool.
         
                             ALEX
                   I don't play basketball. I mean, I
                   can play, I just don't play on the
                   team.
         
         Mike is stunned.
         
                             MIKE
                   But I thought you were getting
                   ready for the season?
         
                             ALEX
                   I never told you that.
         
         As a confused Mike and Alex approach the scene, BOYS call out
         to Mike, tap his fist. GIRLS fawn over him. Mike's become a
         celebrity...and he's eating it up.
         
         ANGLE: Lauren spots Mike with Alex.
         
                             LAUREN
                   Here he comes!
         
         The Bras whip their heads around, get all dreamy.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Can he be any lamer? Using my
                   little brother to get to me?
         
                              SAMANTHA
                   If that boy was an apple he'd be
                   delicious.
         
         Samantha leaps up, scurries over to Mike.      Lauren and Jamie
         chase after her. Maggie shakes her head.
         
         As Mike and Alex approach the gathering, Alex freezes up.
         
                              ALEX
                   Oh, man.   It's her.   She's here.
         
                                                                 49.
         
         
         
                              MIKE
                   Who?
         
         Alex nods towards the fire.   Seated with FRIENDS is Nicole.
         Alex BELCHES loudly.
         
                             ALEX
                   She's so pretty it makes me gassy.
         
                             MIKE
                   Calm down. Here's what you're
                   gonna do. You're gonna go over
                   there and introduce yourself-
         
                             ALEX
                   She won't like me, Mark.   I'm a
                   loser.
         
         Mike grabs Alex by the shoulders.
         
                              MIKE
                   Why? Because Stan says so? You
                   think Stan's a winner? He's going
                   nowhere. You're a great kid. Any
                   girl would be lucky to get your
                   attention.
         
                              ALEX
                   Really?
         
                             MIKE
                   Really. And right now, there's a
                   girl over there who's dying to meet
                   you.
         
         A determined look comes over Alex.
         
                              ALEX
                   Okay.   What do I say?
         
                             MIKE
                   Just introduce yourself. Then
                   compliment her on something she
                   never gets complimented on. Like if
                   she has big, meaty, man hands tell
                   her she should be a hand model.
                       (Alex burps nervously)
                   And don't burp on her.
         
                             ALEX
                   I can do that.
         
                                                                  50.
         
         
         
         Alex takes a deep breath, marches off just as Samantha runs
         up and throws her arms around Mike.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   You came! Why don't we take a walk
                   somewhere private and play?
         
         Jamie and Lauren rush over.
         
                             JAMIE
                   I don't think so, Sam. Mark
                   promised me a walk on the beach.
         
                             LAUREN
                   Walk with me. I've got less miles
                   on me.
         
         A full blown ARGUMENT breaks out between the Bras.    Mike sees
         Maggie sitting by the fire alone, slips out.
         
         ANGLE: Alex steps over to Nicole and suddenly loses
         confidence. As he turns to retreat, Nicole looks up-
         
                                NICOLE
                   Hi.
         
         Alex stops, turns back around and blurts out-
         
                                ALEX
                   Hi, Alex.     I'm Nicole.
         
         Nicole and her Friends giggle.
         
                             NICOLE
                   You don't look like a Nicole.
         
                             ALEX
                   You have big, meaty man hands.    You
                   should be a hand model.
         
         The Girls' jaws drop.    Nicole hides her hands.
         
                                NICOLE
                   Oh my God!     Seriously!?
         
         Alex rips a huge BURP.    The Girls duck for cover.
         
                             GIRL 1
                   I think he got some on me!
         
                                                                  51.
         
         
         
                             ALEX
                   Wait. I'm sorry. I'm just real
                   nervous and I've wanted to talk to
                   you for so long. And Mark told me
                   to compliment you on something you
                   never get complimented on but I
                   couldn't find anything because
                   everything's so...perfect.
         
         Nicole and her Friends MELT.
         
                             NICOLE
                   Do you want to sit down, Nicole?
         
         Nicole scoots over making room next to her.    Alex smiles.
         
         ANGLE: Mike sits down beside Maggie.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   What do you want?
         
                              MIKE
                   Stan.   Why are you dating him?
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Get to the point why don't you?
         
                             MIKE
                   I'm serious. He's not a nice guy.
                   Matter of fact he's a jackass.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Don't talk about him like that.
                   You don't even know him.
         
                             MIKE
                   I know he bullies your brother.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Stan barely knows Alex exists.
                   We're moving in together after
                   graduation.
         
                             MIKE
                   Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I thought you
                   were going to Georgetown?
         
                             MAGGIE
                   I'm going to Westwood Community
                   College. Stan and I both are.
         
         Mike loses it, leaps to his feet shouting-
         
                                                                 52.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   The hell you are, Young Lady! If
                   you think I'm gonna let you throw
                   your life away on some Sleestack
                   you're crazy! I forbid you to see
                   him anymore and that's final!
         
         Maggie jumps up.   Kids all stare.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Who do you think you are!?   My
                   father?!
         
         Maggie stomps over to the still bickering Bras.
         
                             MIKE
                   Don't you walk away from me,
                   Margaret Sarah O'Donnell!
         
         Maggie and the Bras turn towards Mike and glare.   Maggie
         heads for the parking lot.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Who's Margaret?
         
                             LAUREN
                   He doesn't even know her name.
         
                             JAMIE
                   He's so not into her.
         
         The Bras make the `text me' sign then hurry after Maggie.
         
         Mike kicks angrily at the sand and accidentally into the
         faces of a group of KIDS.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/POOL - MORNING
         
         A HOT GIRL wearing a `Lifeguard' bathing suit sits atop a
         high chair.
         
         Ed floats on a raft. A frozen drink next to him.    Scarlet
         looms over him, the 2 in a heated conversation-
         
                             SCARLET
                   I haven't heard from him in three
                   weeks. Obviously he doesn't care.
         
                               ED
                   He cares.
         
                                                                53.
         
         
         
                             SCARLET
                   Then where is he?
         
         Mike steps from the house, sees Scarlet-
         
                             MIKE
                   What's going on?
         
                             SCARLET
                   Nothing, Mark. I was just dropping
                   something off.
         
         Scarlet tosses a manila envelope on the patio table.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   Our court date is the 27th. If he
                   has anything to say, he can say it
                   then.
         
         Scarlet exits.
         
                             MIKE
                   What was that all about?
         
                             ED
                   That envelope contains divorce
                   papers.
         
         Mike eyes the envelope, in stunned silence.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   But what do you care? You're going
                   to college, right? Life's one big
                   panty raid for you.
         
         Mike feigns innocence.
         
                             MIKE
                   I don't know what you're talking
                   about?
         
                             ED
                   I saw the applications in your
                   room.
         
                             MIKE
                   You went through my room!?
         
                             ED
                   If you'd cleaned like I asked I
                   wouldn't have had to. You can't be
                   serious about this can you?
         
                                                                54.
         
         
         
         Mike starts to argue then gives in-
         
                             MIKE
                   I have to face the possibility that
                   I might never turn back and if
                   that's the case, I'm going to do it
                   right this time around.
         
                             ED
                   Karmically speaking, in the next
                   life you're coming back as a
                   hemorrhoid.
         
         Mike scoffs, storms off.    Ed calls after him-
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   I'm not paying for college!
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
         
         Mike shoves books in his locker.   Stan approaches.
         
                             STAN
                   You like her, don't you?
         
                              MIKE
                   Who?
         
                             STAN
                   My girlfriend. She told me you
                   were trashing me at the beach.
         
                             MIKE
                   Leave her alone, Stan.    She's a
                   good kid.
         
                             STAN
                   I don't know how good she is yet
                   but after I find out, she's all
                   yours.
         
         Stan walks off.   Mike slams his locker shut.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
         
         Mike slips inside the empty classroom, slathers KRAZY GLUE
         all over Stan's DESKTOP and CHAIR.
         
         Mike sits just as the rest of the class files in. Stan kisses
         Maggie and takes his seat.
         
                                                                55.
         
         
         
         Stan leans on his desk, placing a FOREARM and a HAND on the
         sticky desktop. He catches Mike looking back at him and
         gives him a cocky wink. Mike winks back knowingly.
         
         Mike's phone beeps. He checks it...A PIX MESSAGE...3 perfect
         ASSES in tiny bikini bottoms. A wide-eyed Mike spins in his
         seat to find the Wonder Bras smiling at him.
         
         Mr. Adams enters.
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   Settle, people.
         
         Adams scribbles a large equation on the blackboard.
         
                             MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                   This was your homework. Who can
                   come up here and solve this for me?
                   Anyone?
         
         Blank, uninterested faces. Scattered giggles.   Adams tosses
         the chalk angrily on his desk.
         
                             MR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
                   Not one person. Fine. Miss
                   O'Donnell. Come up here and dazzle
                   us with your brilliance.
         
         Maggie rises nervously from her seat, shuffles to the front
         of the class. As she passes Stan WE see...
         
         Stan lifts his fingers from the desktop...it's WET...he
         places his wet fingers to the tip of his nose and smells.
         
         When Stan tries to remove his fingers from his nose...they
         STICK. Stan tries to raise his other arm...STUCK.
         
                              STAN
                   Stuck!!!   I'm stuck!   My fingers!
         
         Stan stands, hunched...the CHAIR GLUED to his butt. The DESK
         ATTACHED to his forearm and his FINGERS STUCK to his nose.
         
         The Kids and Mike burst out laughing, break out their video
         phones as Stan fumbles around, dragging the desk, PANICKING.
         
                             MR. ADAMS
                   Sit down, Stan! Sit down!
         
                             STAN
                   It's glue! I'm glued to
                   everything!
         
                                                                56.
         
         
         
         Jazz bounds out of his seat, grabs hold of Stan's wrist.
         
                             JAZZ
                   I'll get it off!
         
                                STAN
                   No!    No!   Don't pull--!
         
         RRRRIIIIPPPP.    Jazz yanks.   Stan's SCREAM echoes.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DAY
         
         Mike, wearing basketball gear and bouncing a basketball,
         stands in the middle of the court. Alex enters.
         
                              ALEX
                   I got your text.     What's so
                   important?
         
                             MIKE
                   This year you're making the team.
                   We practice everyday `til try outs.
                   That gives us a week and a half.
         
                                ALEX
                   Forget it.
         
                             MIKE
                   Yeah, you're right. You probably
                   don't have any skills anyway.
         
         Mike begins to walk out.
         
                                ALEX
                   Hey!     I got skills.
         
         Mike turns back.
         
                             MIKE
                   So what's your problem?      Is it Stan
                   and his friends?
         
                             ALEX
                   Just leave it alone.
         
                             MIKE
                   You don't need to be afraid of
                   them, Alex.
         
                             ALEX
                   I'm too small anyway.
         
                                                                57.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   That's why we focus on your speed,
                   dribbling and outside shot.
                   Remember, it's not how big you are-
         
                             ALEX
                   -it's how big you play.
                       (QUIZZICALLY)
                   Where did you hear that?
         
                             MIKE
                       (COVERS)
                   I don't know? Read it somewhere I
                   guess. Be a sport. Show me what
                   you got.
         
         Mike tosses Alex the ball. Alex begins to dribble. Mike
         steps up to defend. Alex dribbles quicker, through his legs.
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Alright.   You got a little game.
         
         WHAM. The doors slam open. In walk Stan and his Posse.     A
         BLOOD speckled BAND-AID covers the tip of Stan's nose.
         
                             STAN
                   What are you 2 queers doing in my
                   gym?
         
                             MIKE
                   Let's go, Alex.
         
         Alex stops dribbling. He and Mike move towards the door.
         Stan and his Posse block the way.
         
                             STAN
                   I don't think so. You girls wanna
                   play with the boys then let's play.
                   2 on 2.
         
                             MIKE
                   We'll save you the embarrassment
                   for try-outs.
         
         Stan takes the ball from Alex, turns his back, dribbles.
         
                             STAN
                   Come on, Ally. Embarrass me.
         
         While dribbling, Stan moves backwards, bumping into Alex's
         midsection, forcing Alex back.
         
                                                                  58.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Back off, Stan.
         
         Alex takes a deep breath, tired of being afraid-
         
                                ALEX
                   It's okay.     I got him.
         
         Alex throws his hands up, tries to defend the much bigger
         Stan. Stan easily backs Alex down, faking left and right.
         
                                STAN
                   You ready?     Here it comes.
         
         Stan spins, elbows high...POW...Alex catches one to the head
         and DROPS. Stan shoots and scores.
         
                                STAN (CONT'D)
                   2 points!     And I was fouled!
         
         Stan high 5's Jazz and Kevin. Blind with RAGE, Mike RUSHES
         Stan...WHAM...tackles him hard to the floor.
         
         Jazz and Kevin throw Mike off Stan, punching and kicking him.
         
         COACH HARVEY, now 58, enters the gym, runs over to the
         fracas, pulls the boys apart.
         
                            COACH HARVEY
                   Hey! That's enough! That's
                   enough!
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/OFFICE - DAY
         
         Mike and a nervous Alex sit outside the principal's office.
         Mike holds an ice pack to his eye.
         
                             ALEX
                   My mom's been in there a while.
                   She's gonna be pissed.
         
                             MIKE
                   Act like you're hurt and she won't
                   be able to stay mad at you.
         
         The door swings open.    An elated Ed blows in.
         
                             ED
                   Way to go, slugger! Get any shots
                   in?
         
         The Secretary's jaw drops.
         
                                                                   59.
         
         
         
                             SECRETARY
                   Mr. Freedman, your son has a black
                   eye.
         
                                ED
                   Wuss!
         
         Ed sits between Mike and Alex.
         
                                ED (CONT'D)
                   Hey, Alex.     How you doin', buddy?
         
                             ALEX
                   I'm okay I guess.
         
                             ED
                   Good. Good.
                       (turns to Mike, nudges
                        HIM)
                   Nice goin'. How do I look?
                   Anything in my teeth? How's my
                   breath?
         
         Ed flashes his pearly whites then blows on Mike. The
         principal's door opens, an angry Scarlet steps out.
         
                                SCARLET
                   Ed.
         
                             ED
                   Hey, Scarlet. Exciting, isn't it?
                   My first parent/principal
                   conference.
         
         Scarlet looks sternly to Alex-
         
                                SCARLET
                   Fighting?     What's gotten into you?
         
                             ALEX
                       (rubs his jaw)
                   I can't talk, Mom.     My jaw.
         
                             SCARLET
                       (MELTS)
                   My poor baby. And how about you,
                   Mark?
         
         Scarlet bends down so she's eye to eye with Mike.   She
         removes the ice pack...a purple shiner.
         
                                                                  60.
         
         
         
                              SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   Ouch.   You poor thing. Does it
                   hurt?
         
         Scarlet strokes Mike's face. Mike loses himself in her
         caring, gentle touch.
         
                             MIKE
                   Not anymore. You smell great.
         
         Scarlet, a bit weirded out by Mike, stands.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Alex, I'll meet you at the car.     I
                   need to talk to Uncle Ed for a
                   second.
         
         Alex shuffles out of the office.   Scarlet turns to Ed, hushed-
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   Did you give him the divorce
                   papers?
         
                             ED
                   I sent them to him.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Is it another woman? I can handle
                   it. Tell me the truth.
         
                             ED
                   I haven't heard from him, really.
         
         Scarlet looks down, fights back tears, unravels a bit...
         
                             SCARLET
                   Okay. If you do, please have him
                   call home. For the kids...I'm
                   running out of excuses-
         
                             ED
                   I'll tell him.    I promise.
         
         Scarlet forces a smile. Mike watches her go. For the first
         time he's seen HER REALITY...hurt, pain, frustration. Mike
         places his head sadly in his hands.
         
         Julie the Principal pokes her head out the door.
         
                             JULIE
                   Ed, come on in.
         
         Ed whispers to Mike.
         
                                                                  61.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   I'll take it from here.
         
         As Ed passes Julie on the way in-
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   I'm heartbroken. The boy's
                   incorrigible.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
         
         Ed takes a seat across from Julie, puts on his best `troubled
         parent' look.
         
                             JULIE
                   Look, if it was only one isolated
                   fight it wouldn't distress me all
                   that much. Boys will be boys.
                   But, it's also been brought to my
                   attention that Mark may have Krazy
                   glued a boy to his chair.
         
         Ed stifles a laugh, puts on a serious face.
         
                                ED
                   My son?     Mark!   Get in here!   Now!
         
         Mike slouches in, takes a seat.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   Did you glue a boy to his chair?
         
                                MIKE
                   No.
         
         Ed throws his hands up in exasperation.
         
                             ED
                   See? The boy's out of control.
                   He's acting up at home. He won't
                   eat his vegetables-
         
                     MIKE                                 ED
         He shaves his back.                He sucks his thumb.
         
                      MIKE                                ED
         He wears girls underwear.          He wets his bed.
         
                                                                  62.
         
         
         
                             JULIE
                   Enough! Mark, I know it's hard to
                   be the new kid but if I have
                   anymore trouble from you, you'll be
                   facing detentions or worse. You
                   can go now.
         
         Mike nods, exits.   Ed stands and with exaggerated sadness-
         
                             ED
                   He's crying out for help and I
                   don't know what to do. It hurts so
                   bad. Maybe we could discuss this
                   over margaritas?
         
                             JULIE
                   Let's give him time to figure it
                   out on his own. If the situation
                   gets worse then we'll take the next
                   step.
         
                             ED
                   You're the expert. I'm just a
                   single dad out here blowing like
                   dust in the wind.
         
         Ed shakes Julie's hand and exits, sniffling.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
         
         A dirt covered Scarlet wrestles a roll of sod down.
         
                             MIKE (o.s.)
                   Got an extra pair of gloves?
         
         Scarlet peers over her shoulder...Mike wanders in.    Scarlet
         stands, wipes her bare, dirty hands on her jeans.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Gloves are for sissies.
         
                             MIKE
                   Yeah, but I just had a manicure.
         
                             SCARLET
                       (LAUGHS)
                   You're serious? You want to help?
         
                             MIKE
                   Are you kidding? I love
                   landscaping!
                             (MORE)
         
                                                                 63.
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   It's right up there with watching
                   "Sex and the City" and snuggling.
         
         Scarlet laughs, eyes him skeptically-
         
                             SCARLET
                   Mark, I'm 36 years old-
         
                             MIKE
                   I'm just doing this to make a few
                   bucks so I can buy Laker tickets.
         
                             SCARLET
                       (BLUSHES)
                   Embarrassing. Sorry.      I'll give
                   you 10 dollars a day.
         
                             MIKE
                   Wow. 10 whole dollars. At that
                   rate I should be able to buy
                   tickets in...2011.
         
                                 SCARLET
                   Fine.   20.     Grab a roll.
         
         Mike and Scarlet, step over to the sod, lift a roll together,
         carry it over to the spot.
         
                             MIKE
                   What are the benefits like here?
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'll throw in a baloney sandwich.
         
                                 MIKE
                   Deal.
         
         Mike and Scarlet share a laugh.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/LIBRARY - DAY
         
         Mike strolls in, sits at a back table, pulls a college
         application from his knapsack. He takes out a pen, places
         the tip to the paper where it says `name' when-
         
         WE hear the muffled sound of CRYING. Mike rises, follows the
         sobs through the maze of stacks until he finds-
         
                                 MIKE
                   Maggie?
         
         -seated on the floor, head hidden between her knees.   Maggie
         looks up, sees Mike, quickly dries her eyes.
         
                                                                   64.
         
         
         
                             MAGGIE
                   What do you want? To rub it in my
                   face? Say I told you so?
         
                             MIKE
                   You lost me?
         
         Maggie drops her head back between her knees.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Stan dumped me.
         
         Maggie BAWLS loudly.    Mike panics, fearing the worst-
         
                             MIKE
                   What happened? What did he do?
                   You didn't...
         
                             MAGGIE
                   My mom was working last night.
                   Stan came over with a box of-
         
         Mike slaps his palms over his ears.
         
                             MIKE
                   Your next word better be `cookies'
                   or you're in big, big trouble!
         
                             MAGGIE
                   What am I going to do?    I can't
                   live without him.
         
         Maggie takes Mike's shirt, BLOWS her nose on it.
         
                             MIKE
                   Maggie, did you two...you
                   know...do...
         
                                MAGGIE
                   Do what?
         
                             MIKE
                   That thing...that rabbits do a lot
                   of and that a girl your age should
                   never do and should only do when
                   she's married.
         
                              MAGGIE
                   Sex?   No, that's why he dumped me!
         
         Maggie bawls again. Mike silently celebrates, sits beside
         her, awkwardly pats her on the back.
         
                                                                    65.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   There, there now.       It's okay.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Sure he was a jerk but he was there
                   for me. Which is more than I can
                   say for any other man in my life.
         
         Maggie sobs uncontrollably.      Mike takes a deep breath, calms-
         
                             MIKE
                   When you're young everything seems
                   like the end of the world. But
                   it's not. It's just the beginning.
                   And you might have to meet a few
                   more jerks, but one day you'll meet
                   a boy who treats you the way you
                   deserve to be treated...like the
                   sun rises and sets with you.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   You really think so?
         
                                MIKE
                   I know so.
         
         Maggie throws her arms around Mike, hugs him tight. Mike
         hugs her back. A moment he's never had with his daughter.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   You're so sweet.
         
         ANGLE ON Maggie's face.       She's SMITTEN.
         
         MONTAGE OF LIFE
         
         
         EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
         
         Alex dribbles, using both hands, while running through a maze
         of cones. Whenever he messes up, Mike makes him start again.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
         
         Mike and Scarlet settle the limestone rocks into the freshly
         laid sod creating a walkway.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
         
         Maggie solves a difficult problem on the board, much to Mr.
         Adam's chagrin.
         
                                                                  66.
         
         
         Maggie turns from the chalkboard and smiles flirtatiously at
         Mike. Stan catches this exchange and pops the back of Mike's
         head.
         
         
         EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
         
         Lights shine down. Alex stands behind the 3 point line.
         Mike feeds him balls. Alex shoots and moves. Shoots and
         moves. More misses than hits.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
         
         Again, Mike and Ed sit before a stern Julie.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/DRIVEWAY - DAY
         
         Mike teaches Alex the cross over dribble. Scarlet brings the
         boys water. Mike checks her out as she goes back in the
         house. Alex bounces the ball off his head.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/CALCULUS CLASS - DAY
         
         A muffled buzz. Mike reaches into his pocket, pulls out his
         phone. A PIX MESSAGE. Mike opens it. A close up of perfect
         CLEAVAGE.
         
         Mike peeks over his shoulder...the Wonder Bras text on their
         phones. He's confused until-
         
         -Mike turns a little more in his seat...MAGGIE smiles
         seductively at him, blows a kiss. Mike GASPS, spins back
         around...TRAUMATIZED.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
         
         Scarlet fills holes with plants then waters them with a hose.
         She turns, finds Mike SLEEPING in the grass. Scarlet picks
         up the hose, TURNS IT ON HIM. Mike leaps up, chases her.
         
         
         EXT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PARKING LOT - DAY
         
         Mike, Alex, Nicole, Maggie, the Bras and a slew of KIDS hang
         by Mike's Aston. Stan, Jazz and Kevin are all that's left by
         Stan's Mustang.
         
                                                                  67.
         
         
         
         
         EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
         
         Alex scampers through the maze of cones, dribbling from hand
         to hand...and does it perfectly. Mike and Alex high 5.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
         
         Mike and Scarlet lug an ornate, wooden bench to it's spot.
         They sit. Mike casually places a hand on Scarlet's leg.
         Scarlet casually removes it.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DAY
         
         A game of 1 on 1. Alex dribbles up to Mike. Mike crouches
         in a defensive stance. Mike goes for the ball. Alex crosses
         over. Mike misses. Alex pulls up, shoots and scores. Mike
         smiles, shakes his head.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
         
         Again, Mike and Ed sit before Julie. She hands Ed a slip of
         paper...3 detentions. Ed chokes back crocodile tears.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
         
         Mike places books in his locker, shuts the door revealing...a
         goo goo eyed Maggie. Mike startles and RUNS. Maggie chases.
         
         
         INT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
         
         Alex stands behind the 3 point line. Mike rapidly feeds him
         balls. Alex catches, shoots and moves. This time...they're
         all going in. Mike passes the last ball. Alex shoots and we-
         
                                                           CUT TO:
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - DAY
         
         CLOSE ON a ball going through the hoop. Wider reveals Alex
         following through. He and Mike tap fists.
         
         It's TRY-OUTS. Coach Harvey, a number of HOPEFULS, Maggie,
         Nicole and the Bras watch the game of half court, 2 on 2.
         Stan and Jazz vs. Mike and Alex.
         
                                                                   68.
         
         
         
         Mike and Alex school Stan and Jazz. Steals, picks, fancy
         passes and scoring. The Coach watches with awe. A final 3
         pointer by Mike in Stan's face seals the deal.
         
                              COACH HARVEY
                   That makes 11-3. Game over.
                   Gather up.
         
         As Alex passes Harvey, Harvey stops him-
         
                             COACH HARVEY (CONT'D)
                   You've gotta little bit of your old
                   man in you, O'Donnell.
         
         The Team and the Hopefuls huddle around Coach Harvey.
         
                             COACH HARVEY (CONT'D)
                   As you all know due to the amount
                   of seniors coming back I only have
                   2 open spots on the roster. It's
                   Freedman and O'Donnell. The rest
                   of you hit the showers.
         
         The Hopefuls trudge out of the gym.    Alex leaps into the air.
         
                              ALEX
                   Wooo!   We did it, Mark!    We did it!
         
                             MIKE
                   You killed it out there!
         
         Alex runs over, hugs Nicole. Mike beams with pride.     Coach
         Harvey puts an arm around him-
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Son, I don't know where you came
                   from but you just made my year.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         Alex rushes through the door.   Mike and Maggie follow.
         Maggie slaps Mike's butt.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
         
                                  ALEX
                   Mom!    Mom!
         
                             SCARLET (o.s.)
                   I'll be right out, Honey!
         
                                                                69.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   I got'a use the bathroom.
         
         WE follow Mike down the hall. As he passes a half open door,
         he pauses, peeks in...Scarlet, facing away, pulls a shirt
         over her nude back, shakes out her long hair.
         
         Mike watches...no, he GAZES longingly, lovingly...lost in her
         beauty until...Scarlet turns, startles-
         
                            SCARLET
                   Mark? I didn't know you were
                   there.
         
                                MIKE
                   I'm sorry.     You just look so
                   beautiful.
         
         Scarlet blushes...it's been a while since she's heard that.
         
                                SCARLET
                   Thank you.
         
                             MIKE
                   Can I zip you up?
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'm wearing a sweater.
         
                             MIKE
                   Your jeans?
         
         Scarlet walks towards him and...SLAM...shuts the door on him.
         Mike wanders to the bathroom, shaking his head-
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   Stupid, idiot, stupid.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
         
         Mike enters, steps over to the toilet. Maggie slips in behind
         him, shuts the door. He whirls around.
         
                             MIKE
                   Maggie, what...
         
         Maggie places a finger on his lips.
         
                                                             70.
         
         
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Shhh. I get it now. Why you didn't
                   want me to be with Stan, the nice
                   things you said in the library.
                   It's because you wanted me.
         
         Maggie backs Mike against the wall.
         
                             MIKE
                   Maggie, listen to me.    I'm not the
                   person you think...
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Shhh. Yes, you are. You're a good
                   guy. You're not like the others.
         
                             MIKE
                   That's right! I'm not like the
                   others. I'm very different than
                   the others. So different that you
                   and I can never be...
         
         Maggie stops, looks quizzically at Mike-
         
                             MAGGIE
                   What are you trying to say?    Are
                   you..."confused"?
         
                             MIKE
                   Yes! Yes! That's it. I'm
                   confused. Extremely confused.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Ohmygod! It all makes sense now!
                   Your hair. The highlights.
         
         Mike starts to speak.   Stops.   Finally gets it-
         
                             MIKE
                   What? No-no-no-no. I'm not gay.
                   I'm...I've been in love with the
                   same girl since I was 17.
         
         Maggie switches back into predatory mode.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Who is it? Does she go to our
                   school? Do I know her?
         
                             MIKE
                   No, you don't. Now-
                       (eyes the toilet)
                   -if you don't mind?
         
                                                                      71.
         
         
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Tell your girlfriend she better
                   keep a close eye on you.
         
         Maggie smiles seductively and struts out.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
         
         Alex types on his phone.   Mike enters.
         
                             MIKE
                   Who you texting?
         
                              ALEX
                   My dad.   I have to tell him about
                   today.
         
         Mike nods...then realizes...BEEP...BEEP. HIS PHONE.     Alex
         and Maggie look to Mike. Mike checks his phone.
         
                             ALEX (CONT'D)
                   Did you just get a text?
         
                             MIKE
                       (NERVOUS)
                   Me? No. Yes. It's Ed. I mean
                   dad. Not your dad. My dad. I'll
                   just call him back.
         
         Scarlet enters. She looks AMAZING.
         
                              SCARLET
                   So?   What happened? Tell me.     Tell
                   me.   I'm dying to hear.
         
                             ALEX
                   I did it. I'm a Falcon!     The first
                   game's in 2 weeks.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Oh my God, Alex! That's so
                   incredible!
         
         Scarlet wraps Alex in a big hug.    Mike watches.   It's a
         bittersweet moment for him.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   I'm so happy for you. And now I
                   want to show you guys something.
         
         Scarlet, unable to contain her excitement, leads Mike and
         Alex to the french doors and flicks a light switch...
         
                                                                 72.
         
         
         
                               SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   Ta da!
         
         Thousands of tiny, white lights illuminate Scarlet's OASIS...
         
                             MIKE
                   You hung the lights!
         
                             SCARLET
                   I wanted you to be the first to see
                   it.
         
                             ALEX
                   Mom, it's sick.
         
         
         EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
         
         The 3 step outside.   Mike, truly blown away, takes picture
         with his iPhone.
         
                             MIKE
                   It's amazing. I'm speechless. I'm
                   sorry I never saw how talented you
                   are...I mean when people see this
                   and how talented you are you'll be
                   designing sanctuaries all over the
                   city.
         
                              SCARLET
                       (BEAMS)
                   Thank you.
         
                             ALEX
                   Mom, why are you all dressed up?
         
                             SCARLET
                   Oh my God. I almost forgot.    I
                   have a date.
         
         Off Mike's stunned reaction.
         
                                                            CUT TO:
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/FOYER - NIGHT
         
         Mike marches in behind Scarlet.   As they reach the door, he
         steps in front of her.
         
                             MIKE
                   Let's see who the lucky guy is.
         
                                                                   73.
         
         
         
         Mike swings the door open revealing...Dom Johnson.
         
                                 MIKE (CONT'D)
                    I knew it!
         
         SLAM.   Mike shuts the door, blocks it.
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    I knew you had a thing for him!
                    You can't do this! You took vows.
                    What kind of example are you
                    setting for the kids!?
         
                              SCARLET
                    Mark, I'm flattered. Really, I am.
                    But I'm too old for you.
         
         Scarlet moves Mike aside, opens the door.     Dom stands in the
         doorway holding a bouquet.
         
                               DOM
                    Wow. You look absolutely
                    ravishing.
         
                              MIKE
                    Keep it in your pants, Casanova.
         
                              SCARLET
                    Don't mind him. You all set?
         
                              DOM
                    Let's do it.
         
         Scarlet heads for the van.     Dom looks to Mike-
         
                              DOM (CONT'D)
                    Hey, kid...if the vans'a
                    rockin'...well you know the rest.
         
         Dom imitates humping, jogs after Scarlet.
         
                              MIKE
                    Don't you lay a finger on her,
                    Johnson! I know where you live!
         
         Mike slams the door.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
         
         A contemplative Alex scoops lasagna onto plates.    An agitated
         Mike enters, pulls up a seat at the counter.
         
                                                                 74.
         
         
         
                             ALEX
                   It's weird to think about my mom
                   with someone other than my dad.
         
                             MIKE
                   It's adultery! If this were
                   Afghanistan she'd be dragged
                   through the village by goats.   You
                   need to talk to her.
         
                             ALEX
                   My mom's been pretty sad the past
                   few months. She deserves to be
                   happy. My dad obviously
                   is...wherever he is.
         
                             MIKE
                   Maybe he's not? Maybe he wishes he
                   could be here right now with you
                   but there's a real good reason he
                   can't be.
         
                             ALEX
                   No, my dad's not a family guy. This
                   is dumb but I used to tell him I
                   was on the basketball team because
                   I knew he'd never make it to a
                   game.
         
                             MIKE
                   Then why would you tell him that?
         
                             ALEX
                   I guess I was hoping it would make
                   him like me more.
         
         Mike is CRUSHED.
         
         
         INT. GUCCI STORE - DAY
         
         Mike paces in front of a dressing room.   A SALESMAN waits by
         the door.
         
                             MIKE
                   My wife's moving on. My son
                   doesn't think I like him and my
                   daughter's in love with me. I need
                   to change back, Ed.
         
         Ed steps from the changing room wearing very tight, ultra hip
         clothes that belong on a 20 year old...he looks ridiculous.
         
                                                                75.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   What about college?
         
                               MIKE
                   I'm not going. I'll be a pharm rep
                   til I die. I just want my family
                   back.
                        (BEAT)
                   You're not gonna wear that, are
                   you?
         
         Ed checks his butt in a full length mirror, nods happily.
         
                             ED
                   Baby's got back.
         
         Ed retreats into the changing room.
         
                             ED (CONT'D) (o.s.)
                   Now that Julie's agreed to go out
                   with me tonight, I need you to
                   start behaving. I can't have her
                   thinking my son is a complete
                   degenerate.
         
                             MIKE
                   Fine. I want to have some kids
                   over tonight to celebrate Alex
                   making the team. Is that cool?
         
         Ed, wearing only his banana hammock underwear and socks,
         steps from the room, hands the clothes to the Salesman.
         
                             ED
                   Wrap it up. No, it's not cool. I
                   remember hearing what those parties
                   were like, kids peeing everywhere,
                   food on the ceilings, puke in the
                   pool.
         
                             MIKE
                   Listen to you. You sound like an
                   old man.
         
         Other SHOPPERS eye Ed oddly as they pass.
         
                             ED
                   No party. I mean it.    Don't make
                   me take the car away.
         
                             MIKE
                   Don't treat me like a child, Ed.
         
                                                                  76.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   I won't when you stop acting like
                   one.
         
         Mike grabs Ed's bare tits and TWISTS. Ed screams, grabs
         Mike's tits and TWISTS. Both of them HOWL in pain.
         
                              SALESMAN
                   Sir!   Please!
         
         Mike and Ed, both still titty twisting, look up. Everyone in
         the store stares. They each let go, force smiles.
         
                             ED
                   This isn't over...son!
         
                             MIKE
                   Not even close...Dad!
         
         Ed stomps into the dressing room rubbing his sore boobs.
         Mike pulls out his iPhone, begins texting.
         
                                                             CUT TO:
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/HALL - DAY
         
         The Wonder Bras stand by their lockers when their phones
         beep...TEXT MESSAGE...
         
                             MIKE'S TEXT
                   Party at my house 2nite.   7.    Get
                   the word out.
         
         The Bras type away, simultaneously hit SEND. WIDE
         REVEALS...hundreds of students...the beeps of hundreds of
         cell phones.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         CARS line the street. A steady flow of KIDS stream towards
         the front door. MUSIC pounds from within. It's a RAGER.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
         
         MAYHEM. Kids raid the refrigerator, throw food around.
         Another KID sprays the room with the removable sink head.
         
         Mike rushes in, grabs the sink head from the Kid.
         
                                                                  77.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Give me that!
         
                                WONDER BRAS (O.S.)
                   Hey, Sexy.
         
         Mike turns without thinking SPRAYING all 3 Wonder Bras in the
         face. The Bras scream. Mike replaces the nozzle.
         
                             MIKE
                   I'm so sorry. Have you seen Alex?
         
         The Bras wipe themselves off, grab Mike's hands.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Dance with us!
         
         The Bras drag a reluctant Mike out of the kitchen and into -
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
         
         PARTY-GOERS dance everywhere and on top of everything.
         
         The Bras surround Mike, each girl grinding on him as if it
         were a competition.
         
         Lauren takes Mike by the face, turns him towards her-
         
                             LAUREN
                   Nambib-bib-ib, that African country
                   makes me horny.
         
         Jamie spins Mike towards her, places his hands on her boobs-
         
                             JAMIE
                   Perfect, aren't they?
         
         Samantha pulls Mike roughly by the hair, twists him around-
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Which one of us is it gonna be?
         
         Mike tries to squeeze out. The Bras block him. The music
         changes...a remix version of Hammer's `Can't Touch This'
         blares.
         
                             MIKE
                   I thought you girls wanted to
                   dance?
         
         Mike breaks into the 80's Hammer routine WE saw from the
         first scene.
         
                                                                     78.
         
         
         
         The Bras back up. Party-Goers stop what they're doing and
         watch...not sure whether to laugh or join in.
         
         And then, the Bras fall in.      Followed by others.   The party
         just got hotter.
         
         Maggie runs through the party and out the back. Stan chases
         after her. Mike inconspicuously Hammer walks his way out of
         the mix and outside.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/POOL - NIGHT
         
         Stan corners Maggie against the back wall.
         
                             STAN
                   I was upset. I'm sorry. But I
                   need you to show me you love me.
                   Then we'll move in together.
         
                               MAGGIE
                   Whatever.    I'm with someone else
                   now.
         
                             STAN
                   Yeah, right. Who'd be stupid
                   enough?
         
                               MAGGIE
                   Him.
         
         Stan turns angrily toward Mike as he approaches.
         
                             MIKE
                   Party's over, Stan.      You're out of
                   here.
         
                             STAN
                   Who's gonna make me leave?      You?
         
                             MIKE
                   I would but it smells like you've
                   been drinking so I'll let the cops
                   do it.
         
         Mike pulls out his phone.      Stan looks to Maggie then back to
         Mike, laughs-
         
                             STAN
                   You can have the nun.      She doesn't
                   put out anyway.
         
                                                                79.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   On second thought-
         
         Mike SWINGS. Stan ducks, throws a giant uppercut. POW.
         Mike's eyes roll back in his head and WE cut to BLACK.
         
         
         INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT/DINING ROOM - NIGHT
         
         The HOSTESS shows Ed and Julie to their table by the window.
         Ed wears his new Gucci outfit. Julie's under dressed.
         
                             HOSTESS
                   There you are, Mr. Freedman.
         
                            ED
                   Thanks. Put this towards your
                   studies.
         
         Ed hands the Hostess a 50.   Julie rolls her eyes.
         
                             JULIE
                   When you asked me to get together
                   to talk about Mark this isn't what
                   I envisioned. This isn't a date,
                   Ed.
         
                             ED
                   Are you insinuating that I'd use my
                   son's misfortune just to go out
                   with you? What kind of a father do
                   you think I am?
         
                             JULIE
                   As long as we're on the same page.
         
         A WAITER approaches.
         
                             WAITER
                   Good evening. Would you care to
                   see the wine-
         
                             ED
                   Bring us the 1962 Petrus.
         
         The Waiter nods, leaves.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   You're going to love this wine.
                   $2000 dollars a bottle.
         
                                                          80.
         
         
         
                             JULIE
                   I don't drink. So tell me what you
                   think's going on with Mark?
         
                             ED
                   It's baffling really but I noticed
                   he's been drinking a lot of diet
                   ice tea lately. Maybe he's gay?
         
                             JULIE
                   You didn't ask me here to talk
                   about Mark, did you?
         
                             ED
                   Do you like caviar? Because if you
                   do you have to try the Almas. 100
                   year-old Beluga. $700 per ounce.
         
         Julie throws her napkin on the table.
         
                             JULIE
                   You're disgusting, Ed.
         
                             ED
                   What? You don't like Beluga?     You
                   can get something else.
         
                             JULIE
                   I'm not some 22 year-old who you
                   can impress with caviar and
                   expensive wine.
         
                             ED
                   Would the caviar and expensive wine
                   impress you if you were on a yacht
                   off Monte Carlo?
         
                             JULIE
                   I came here because I'm concerned
                   about the wellbeing of your son but
                   you don't care about Mark. All
                   you're concerned with is proving to
                   me how wealthy you are.
         
                             ED
                   I do care about Mike...Mark.
                   Whatever his name is.
         
                             JULIE
                   You know what's too bad, Ed? I'm
                   sure when you were the guy the boys
                   picked on and the girls ignored you
                   were really sweet.
                             (MORE)
         
                                                                81.
                             JULIE (CONT'D)
                   But you thought becoming rich would
                   solve all your problems. Instead it
                   made you just like them. I have to
                   go.
         
         Julie rises.   Ed takes her wrist.
         
                             ED
                   Wait. You're right. I'm acting
                   like an idiot. I'm sorry. Please
                   stay.
         
         Julie begrudgingly sits back down.
         
                             JULIE
                   Act normal or I'm leaving.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
         
         CLOSE ON Mike's face, eyes shut. A hand gently strokes his
         head. Mike stirs awake, smiles, eyes still closed-
         
                             MIKE
                   I had the craziest dream. I was 17
                   again and back in high school. It
                   was horrible, Scarlet-
         
                               MAGGIE (o.s.)
                   Scarlet!?
         
         Mike's eyes pop open. WIDER reveals Mike and Maggie on the
         bed. Mike's head rests on Maggie's lap.
         
         Mike JUMPS off the bed, scrambles to the other side of the
         room and behind a chair. Maggie leaps off the bed.
         
                             MAGGIE (CONT'D)
                   You wanna play? Okay, let's play.
                   I'm the hungry lioness and you're a
                   baby gazelle.
         
         Maggie ROARS, chases Mike around the room.
         
                             MIKE
                   Wait! This is highly inappropriate
                   and dysfunctional. Listen to me,
                   Maggie. I'm your father.
         
         Maggie growls, stalks Mike around the bed.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   And I've been a bad, bad girl,
                   Daddy.
         
                                                                  82.
         
         
         
         Maggie dives across the bed.    Mike dodges, runs out the door.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
         
         Alex and Nicole sit closely by a fire pit, laughing.
         
                             ALEX
                   How about Mrs. Cruz? Every time
                   she rolls her r's she spits all
                   over me.
         
         Alex imitates Mrs. Cruz. Nicole laughs, places her hand on
         Alex's leg. Alex looks down at her hand, then up at her,
         both staring at one another...THE MOMENT.
         
         Nicole closes her eyes, moves in. Alex moves in then
         FREAKS. He bounds out of his chair, sprints inside leaving
         Nicole hanging.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         A distraught Alex pushes his way through the insanity.   He
         finds Mike running down the stairs.
         
                             ALEX
                   Mike, I blew it!     I totally blew
                   it!
         
                                MIKE
                   Blew what?     What happened?
         
                             ALEX
                   She wanted me to kiss her but I
                   panicked. I didn't know if I
                   should close my eyes or which way
                   to turn my head or how much tongue
                   I'm supposed to use-
         
                             MIKE
                   Slow down. Have you ever kissed a
                   girl before?
         
                             ALEX
                   Not a real one. I used to practice
                   on my dad's Playboys.
         
                             MIKE
                   How did you find...forget it. It's
                   easy. All you have to do is take
                   her face in your hands gently like
                   THIS-
         
                                                                     83.
         
         
         
         Mike places a hand gently on either side of Alex's face.
         
                              MIKE (CONT'D)
                    -hold her still as you adjust your
                    head, close your eyes and kiss her.
                    The rest happens naturally.
         
         A BOY walks past, sees Mike romantically holding Alex's face.
         
                              BOY
                    That is so wrong.
         
         Mike and Alex quickly separate.
         
                              ALEX
                    What if I, you know, pitch a tent?
         
                               MIKE
                    If you feel it, you know, getting
                    angry, take a step back. Now go get
                    that kiss.
         
         Alex takes a deep breath, steps outside.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
         
         A determined Alex marches over to the seated Nicole.
         
                               ALEX
                    Nicole.
         
         Nicole stands-
         
                              NICOLE
                    I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to-
         
         Before she can finish Alex's hands are on her face and his
         lips on hers. It's as if time stands still.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         Mike watches his son's MAGICAL FIRST KISS.     And when Alex
         takes a step back, Mike laughs.
         
         BEEP.   BEEP.   Mike pulls out his phone.   Text message.
         
                               SAMANTHA'S TEXT
                    911.   ^stairs. mastr b-room.
         
         Mike rushes to the stairs. An angry Maggie storms down them.
         Mike ducks. Maggie passes. Mike races up.
         
                                                                84.
         
         
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/HALLWAY - NIGHT
         
         Mike sprints down the hall, throws open the door to find-
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
         
         Samantha, Jamie and Lauren in the bed, clothes on the floor.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   We decided not to make you choose.
         
                             JAMIE
                   You can have all 3 of us.
         
         The chance of a lifetime.    A legend making moment.
         
                             MIKE
                       (looks sadly at the Bras)
                   Girls, if I was 20 years younger
                   I'd...probably only last 10 seconds
                   anyway. Put your clothes back on.
         
         Mike turns, exits. On the way out WE actually hear SNIFFLING.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Was he crying?
         
         
         INT. UPSCALE RESTAURNT - NIGHT
         
         Julie laughs hysterically.
         
                             ED
                   God's honest truth. I had the
                   whole costume. I used to go
                   everywhere dressed like a wizard.
                   No wonder I didn't get a date all
                   through high school. Annnnd you
                   think I'm the biggest nerd ever.
         
                             JULIE
                   No, no, really. I don't.
                       (catches her breath,
                        suddenly serious)
                   Hark! Who goes there?
         
                             ED
                       (UNSURE)
                   Tis I. The Wizard they call
                   Marius. And who might you be fair
                   maiden?
         
                                                                    85.
         
         
         
         Free to be herself, Julie lets her hair down, shakes it out.
         
                              JULIE
                     Tis I! Elf Princess Ariala of
                     Jamroar.
         
                        ED                               JULIE
         NO WAY!                           YES WAY!
         
         
         
                        ED                             JULIE
         Level 10.                         Mage. Level 15. Bitch!
         
         They stare at each other incredibly turned on. Ed screams-
                               ED
                     Check please!
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/POOL - NIGHT
         
         CLOSE ON a Heavy Kid leans over the pool PUKING.
         Wider...Mike beside him while Kids cheer the Heavy Kid on.
         
                               MIKE
                     I'm so dead.
         
         Mike turns, finds SCARLET making her way through the crowd.
         
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                     Oh no!
         
         Mike rushes over to her.
         
                               MIKE (CONT'D)
                     Scarlet, what are you doing here?
         
                               SCARLET
                     I'm looking for Alex. It's past
                     his curfew and he wasn't picking up
                     his phone. Is he here?
         
                               MIKE
                     Yeah, he's fine.   He's with his
                     girlfriend.
         
                               SCARLET
                     Alex has a girlfriend?
         
                                                                   86.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   He does and she's really cute.
                   Come on.
         
         Mike leads Scarlet away from the pool.
         
         
         INT. FERRARI - NIGHT
         
         Ed and Julie drive through the upscale neighborhood.
         
                             JULIE
                   How did you get your hands on the
                   5th edition? That's not due out for
                   another three years.
         
                             ED
                   I have two words for you.    Russian
                   mafia.
         
                             JULIE
                   Drive faster.
         
         He steps on the gas. He fishtails around a corner. Cars pack
         Ed's street and driveway. Boys and girls trample the front
         lawn. One BOY urinates in a flower bed.
         
                             JULIE (CONT'D)
                   Calm thyself, Marius.
         
                             ED
                   That little-!   I'll kill him!
         
         Ed double parks the car, jumps out.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE - NIGHT
         
         Ed storms up the driveway.    Julie hurries after him.   A KID
         spies Julie, calls out-
         
                             KID
                   It's Ms. Goodwin!    Run!
         
         All the Kids on the lawn SCATTER in different directions.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
         
         Ed and Julie enter the crowded, loud room. Kids dance, stomp
         around on the furniture. A furious Ed screams-
         
                                                                   87.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   Everybody out!   Get out!   Get out!
         
         Nobody flinches.   Julie WHISTLES loudly.   The Kids stop.
         
                             JULIE
                   This party is over! If you don't
                   want to spend the next 3 months in
                   detention you will leave...now!
         
         The Kids BEELINE for the door.    Ed stops a GIRL.
         
                             ED
                   Do you know where Mark Freedman is?
         
                             GIRL
                   I think I saw him go outside.
         
         SPLAT. A slice of pizza falls from the ceiling onto Ed's
         head. The Girl laughs, exits.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
         
         Maggie enters, weeds through the crowd, bumps into the Bras.
         
                             MAGGIE
                   Have you seen Mark?
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   We're looking for him too.
         
         Maggie scowls, heads for the back door.     The Bras chase.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - NIGHT
         
         Mike and Scarlet hide behind the pool house, peek around the
         corner, spy on Alex and Nicole by the fire pit. Alex is
         animated, confident...
         
                             SCARLET
                   He's like a totally different
                   person.
         
         Scarlet and Mike step back by the pool, sit on a lounge.
         
                             SCARLET (CONT'D)
                   It's been so good for him to have
                   you around. You have no idea.
         
                                                                88.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Believe me, I do. He's a great
                   kid. And you're an amazing mother.
         
                             SCARLET
                   I'm not so sure. I mean look at
                   me. I showed up at a party to drag
                   my son home. Could I be any more
                   embarrassing? And how many amazing
                   mothers run their kids' father off?
         
                             MIKE
                   Hey, you didn't run him off. Don't
                   blame yourself for his stupidity.
         
                             SCARLET
                   I knew he was unhappy. I knew he
                   hated his job. I should've been
                   more supportive, more sympathetic
                   to what he was going through. He
                   gave up a lot for me.
         
                             MIKE
                   That's bull shit! You, Maggie and
                   Alex are the best thing that ever
                   happened to me...him. He was just
                   too selfish to recognize it. At
                   least, that's how I see it.
         
         Scarlet smiles thankfully at Mike.
         
         ANGLE...Maggie and the Bras roam the backyard searching for
         Mike.
         
                             JAMIE
                   He's over there.    By the pool.
         
                             SAMANTHA
                   Who's the ho?
         
                              MAGGIE
                   Mom?
         
         ANGLE...Alex and Nicole, hand in hand, stroll back towards
         the house when Alex freezes-
         
                              ALEX
                   Whoa.   What's my mom doing here?
         
         ANGLE...Scarlet places a hand over Mike's.
         
                                                                     89.
         
         
         
                               SCARLET
                     You're sweet. I have no idea why
                     I'm telling you all this. There's
                     just something so familiar...
         
         Scarlet looks into Mike's eyes. Mike stares back. She's
         vulnerable. He loves her. It's perfect. Mike leans in and
         KISSES HER...PASSIONATELY.
         
         SSSSSLAP.   Mike falls off the chair.   Scarlet leaps up.
         
                               SCARLET (CONT'D)
                     What do you think you're doing!?
         
         Mike scrambles to his feet.
         
                               MIKE
                     Scar, just calm down. I have
                     something to tell you but I need
                     you to keep an open mind. Can you
                     do that for me?
         
                               SCARLET
                     This conversation is over, Mark.
         
                               MIKE
                     I'm not Mark.
         
                               SCARLET
                     I'm not in the mood for games.
         
                               MIKE
                     It's no game. I'm me...him...Mike.
                     It's me...your husband.
         
         Scarlet winces as if dealt a blow-
         
                                SCARLET
                     What?   Why would you say that?
         
                               MIKE
                     It's the truth. I'm the father of
                     your children. You have to believe
                     me.
         
                               SCARLET
                     Don't ever come near me or my
                     family again. If you do, I'll have
                     you arrested or better yet,
                     institutionalized.
         
         Scarlet marches towards the house.    Mike on her heels
         pleading.
         
                                                                  90.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Let me explain, Scar.
         
         As she passes Ed and Julie.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Your son needs a shrink!
         
         Scarlet storms off.   Before Mike can protest-
         
                               MAGGIE
                   Pervert!
         
         Mike turns. SLAP. Maggie lights him up, runs for the house.
         SLAP, SLAP, SLAP. The Bras add theirs on the way out.
         
         Alex and Nicole march past.    Mike reaches for Alex's arm.
         Alex pulls it away.
         
                             MIKE
                   Alex, wait. Let me explain-
         
                             ALEX
                   How could you do this to me?
         
         Alex whisks Nicole into the house.   Mike lowers his head.    Ed
         stomps over, grabs Mike.
         
                             ED
                   This place is a disaster! A kid
                   pissed all over my English garden!
                   What were you thinking!?
         
                             MIKE
                   She hates me, Ed.    I've ruined
                   everything.
         
         Mike runs for the house.   Julie looks quizzically to Ed.
         
                             JULIE
                   Who hates him? What's going on?
         
         Ed shifts uncomfortably, takes a deep breath.
         
                             ED
                   Oh boy. I don't quite know how to
                   put this.
         
                             JULIE
                   Try being honest.
         
                                                                     91.
         
         
         
                              ED
                    He's not really my son.    I don't
                    have a son.
         
         SLAP.   Ed looks like he's about to cry.
         
                              JULIE
                    Mark's obviously having a crisis
                    and you...you insensitive bastard,
                    you disown him? He'd be better off
                    with his mother in Thailand.
         
         Julie strides for the house.     Ed yells after her-
         
                              ED
                    Should I call you?!
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE - MORNING
         
         All is normal.   No signs of a party.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/HALLWAY - MORNING
         
         Ed knocks and knocks on Mike's bedroom door.
         
                               ED
                    Come on.   It's been 2 days.    Open
                    up.
         
         WE hear a dragging sound then...CLICK.     Ed turns the knob,
         opens the door, enters.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
         
         Dark.   Mike climbs back into bed.   Ed waves at the air.
         
                              ED
                    Jesus. It smells like Jeffrey
                    Dahmer's kitchen in here.
         
         Ed pulls up the blinds, opens the windows. A disheveled,
         Mike groans, rolls away from the light. Ed sits on the bed.
         
                              ED (CONT'D)
                    Are you alright?
         
                              MIKE
                    I really messed up.    I've lost my
                    family.
         
                                                                   92.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   That's not true.      Nothing's ever
                   truly lost.
         
                             MIKE
                   What about you and Julie?
         
                               ED
                   Oh, that?    That's lost.
         
                             MIKE
                   Sorry about the party.      I'll pay
                   for any damages.
         
                             ED
                   Don't worry about it. My spa guy
                   got the last of the vomit out of
                   the pool so we're good. I don't
                   mean to rub salt in your wounds but-
         
         Ed holds up the manila envelope of divorce papers.
         
                             ED (CONT'D)
                   -you're due in court in an hour.
         
         A look of determination comes over Mike's face.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY
         
         The BMW roars out of the garage, Ed driving, tears down the
         driveway, fishtailing onto the street, LOSES CONTROL, rips
         across a neighbor's lawn then back onto the road and off.
         
         
         INT. LOS ANGELES COURT HOUSE/COURTROOM - DAY
         
         Crowded pews. Scarlet stands before the JUDGE, her right
         hand raised as she's sworn in.
         
                             BAILIFF
                   -the whole truth and nothing but
                   the truth so help you God?
         
                               SCARLET
                   I do.
         
         Scarlet sits beside her ATTORNEY.     The Judge eyes her papers.
         
                                                                 93.
         
         
         
                             JUDGE
                   You've requested a divorce by the
                   State of California citing
                   irreconcilable differences. Is
                   this correct?
         
                             SCARLET
                   Yes, your Honor.
         
                             JUDGE
                   Is Michael O'Donnell or his
                   representative present?
         
                             SCARLET
                       (SADLY)
                   No, your Honor.
         
                             JUDGE
                   Then I take his absence as
                   agreement to the orders of the
                   divorce. Let's proceed. You're
                   not asking for alimony or child
                   support?
         
                             JULIE
                   No, your honor.
         
         
         EXT. LOS ANGELES COURT HOUSE - DAY
         
         Ed's BMW skids to a stop in front of the building.   Mike and
         Ed bound out, race up the court steps-
         
                             ED
                   What exactly are we doing?
         
                             MIKE
                   I don't know. We just need to stop
                   her from going through with it!
         
                             ED
                   A well thought out plan.   Good job.
         
         
         INT. LOS ANGELES COURT HOUSE/COURTROOM - DAY
         
                             JUDGE
                   The mother will have full custody
                   of the children. The father will
                   have visitation rights of one
                   weekend a month-
         
                                                                  94.
         
         
         
         BOOM. The doors burst open.   All turn to see Mike and Ed
         storm down the aisle.
         
                             ED
                   I declare a mistrial on the grounds
                   of insufficient evidence and Sacco
                   and Vanzetti!
         
         Scarlet can only shake her head.
         
                             JUDGE
                   Sacco and...what are you....who are
                   you!?
         
                             ED
                   I am legal counsel for Mike
                   O'Donnell and I demand a stay of
                   execution for this marriage, your
                   Majesty.
         
                             SCARLET
                   He's my husband's best friend.
         
                             JUDGE
                   Are you a lawyer, best friend?
         
                             ED
                   No but I have been a defendant in
                   numerous lawsuits so-
         
                              JUDGE
                   Bailiff! Get these 2 out of my
                   courtroom.
         
         The Bailiff grabs Mike and a yelling Ed, drags them toward
         the exit. Mike wiggles free, runs back to the front.
         
                             MIKE
                   Your Honor! I have a letter from
                   Mike O'Donnell. Just let me read
                   it. Please.
         
                             JUDGE
                   I'm sorry, but-
         
                             SCARLET
                   If it's okay, your Honor.   I'd like
                   to hear it.
         
                             JUDGE
                   Make it quick.
         
         Mike digs into his pocket, pulls out a piece of paper.
         
                                                                95.
         
         
         
                             MIKE
                   Thank you, your Honor.
                       (READS)
                   September 7th, 1988 was the first
                   time I saw you. You were reading
                   `The Great Gatsby' and wearing a
                   Guns N Roses T-shirt. I'd never
                   seen anything so perfect. I
                   remember thinking I had to have you
                   or I'd die...not in a psycho kinda
                   way but in that beautiful,
                   innocent, unaffected way that way
                   only a 17 year-old kid can have.
                   You whispered you loved me at the
                   homecoming dance and I felt so
                   peaceful and safe because I knew no
                   matter what happened from that
                   night on nothing could ever be that
                   bad because I had you. And then I
                   grew up, lost my way and blamed you
                   for my failures. But I was never
                   lost. I'd just forgotten the way
                   life makes you forget as you grow
                   older. And I never failed at
                   anything because on that September
                   day you said `yes' to me. And at
                   that dance you said you loved me.
                   And as I stand here...as I write
                   this, I want you to know if I don't
                   have you I'll die...not in a psycho
                   way but in that beautiful,
                   innocent, unaffected way only a 17
                   year old kid can have....oh
                   and...P.S...I'm `Hungry Like the
                   Wolf'.
         
         Mike places the PAPER ON THE TABLE, looks over to Scarlet.
         Scarlet just stares at him, tears streaming down her
         cheeks...sadness...recognition?
         
                             JUDGE
                   Alright, son, you have to go now.
         
         Mike nods, walks down the aisle and out the door.
         
                             JUDGE (CONT'D)
                   Let's proceed.
         
                             SCARLET
                   Your Honor, Sir. I'm sorry.   I'm
                   in no shape...I need to
                   postpone...I'm sorry.
         
                                                                  96.
         
         
         
         A tearful Scarlet starts to leave, stops, picks up Mike's
         `letter'...DIRECTIONS TO THE COURTHOUSE. She looks back
         confused.
         
         
         INT. BMW CONVERTIBLE - DAY
         
         A solemn Mike stares out the window.    Ed turns the radio off.
         
                             ED
                   Maybe it wasn't a spell of
                   enlightenment.
         
         Mike looks to Ed.
         
                             MIKE
                   What are you talking about?
         
                             ED
                   According to the website once
                   you've learned your lesson you'd
                   turn back. That speech should've
                   broken the spell.
         
                             MIKE
                   Enough with the magic crap, Ed.
         
                             ED
                   You know what this means? You need
                   to let them go. You need to let
                   them get on with their lives and
                   you need to get on with yours.
         
         Mike chokes back tears...because he knows Ed is right.
         
         
         INT. ED'S HOUSE/MIKE'S BEDROOM - DUSK
         
         Mike works on his laptop, plugs his iPhone into
         it...downloads pictures.
         
         Mike moves to the bed, packs his Falcons uniform into a
         duffel bag. A BEEP. Mike unplugs the iPhone, types an email
         to Scarlet, "I think this will help your business. Best of
         luck, Mark" Mike hits send, grabs his bag and exits.
         
         
         EXT. ED'S HOUSE - DUSK
         
         Mike steps outside, throws his duffel into the Aston.    Ed
         exits the house.
         
                                                                97.
         
         
         
                             ED
                   Where you going?
         
                             MIKE
                   I'm moving on. See you at the
                   game.
         
         Mike climbs into the car, pulls out of the driveway.
         
         
         INT. MIKE'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - DUSK
         
         Scarlet sits at the kitchen table working on her laptop. The
         noise of an incoming email. She clicks over...MARK FREEDMAN.
         
         Scarlet reads Mike's email then clicks on the link. A web
         site pops up...`Scarlet's Sanctuaries'. Scarlet smiles.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - NIGHT
         
         An empty gym. Mike stands feet beyond the 3 point line,
         grabs balls from a hopper and rapidly shoots, shoots, shoots.
         SWISH...SWISH...SWISH. Automatic.
         
         Coach Harvey enters.
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Hey, Freedman, save some for the
                   game.
         
         Mike sinks one last jumper, turns to the coach.
         
                             MIKE
                   Just warming up, Coach.
         
         Coach Harvey hands Mike a towel.
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Son, I haven't seen anyone with
                   your shooting ability in, well, in
                   a long time. I called a couple
                   college scouts I know. They're
                   coming to the game tonight...to
                   watch you. If you have half the
                   season I think you're capable of,
                   you can play anywhere you want.
         
                             MIKE
                   That's the plan, Coach.
         
         The rest of the Falcons basketball team jogs out from the
         locker room followed by a PHOTOGRAPHER.
         
                                                                98.
         
         
         
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Round up, Jock Straps! Picture
                    time.
         
         The Team assembles in the middle of the court. Alex moves
         away from Mike. A PLAYER kneeling in front holds a sign,
         `FITCH FALCONS, 2008.'
         
                               PHOTOGRPAHER
                    3, 2, 1-
         
         FLASH.   And with the flash WE cut to:
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/GYM - LATER
         
         A POPULAR SONG rocks the gymnasium. CHEERLEADERS dance on
         the sidelines. STUDENTS and PARENTS cheer wildly from the
         packed stands.
         
         Julie gabs with a group of TEACHERS.
         
         On one end of the court, the Falcons run a pass and shoot
         drill. On the opposite end, a TEAM in BLUE shoots around.
         
         Mike sees Scarlet and Maggie enter. He smiles apologetically
         to them. Both turn away, climb the bleachers, join Nicole
         and the Wonder Bras.
         
                              MAGGIE
                        (to Scarlet)
                    I thought he was hanging out with
                    Alex to get to me- not you.
         
         ANGLE...Coach Harvey claps loudly-
         
                              COACH HARVEY
                    Alright, Ladies, bring it in!
         
         The Falcons swarm the bench, take their seats. Mike takes a
         deep breath, sits next to Alex. Alex looks down.
         
                               MIKE
                    ALEX-
         
                              ALEX
                    I have nothing to say to you.
         
                              MIKE
                    I never meant to hurt you-
         
                              ALEX
                    Then why'd you kiss my mom!?
         
                                                                99.
         
         
         
                              MIKE
                   Alex, I'm your fa...I don't know.
                   I'm sorry.
         
         Alex stands-
         
                             ALEX
                   You're lucky I don't punch you out.
         
         Alex moves down the line, takes another seat.
         
         Ed strides through the door spots Julie, makes his way over
         to her.
         
                             ED
                   Julie, can I talk to you?
         
         Julie excuses herself from the Teachers.
         
                             JULIE
                   What is it, Ed?
         
                             ED
                   I've seen a good friend of mine
                   lose everything that means anything
                   to him. And maybe we'll never be
                   there but...I just really want to
                   play D & D with you.
         
         Julie can't help but smile, sizes Ed up.
         
                             JULIE
                   You can raid my dungeon anytime.
         
                             ED
                   I'll bring my long bow.
         
         A REFEREE blows his whistle.
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Let's go! Remember, Boys, winners
                   get the girls. Losers please
                   themselves!
         
         Mike and the Falcons jog onto the court. Mike takes his
         place for the jump ball. The Crowd stomps, cheers LOUDLY.
         
         Mike looks around the gymnasium...it almost seems to SLOW
         UP...the sound deafening. He finds Alex on the bench...his
         hopeful face. Mike looks into the stands...Maggie and
         Scarlet. Scarlet abruptly stands, climbs back down the
         bleachers and exits the gym.
         
                                                                  100.
         
         
         
         The Ref readies to toss the ball.    Mike takes a deep
         breath...and walks off the court.
         
                             REFEREE
                   Son! Come back here!      You're gonna
                   get a delay of game!
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   This can't be happening again.
         
         Mike steps over to Alex-
         
                             MIKE
                   It's your turn now.    Good luck.
         
         Mike rushes off the court. As Mike disappears into the
         tunnel, WE see the OLD JANITOR amongst the crowd. He smiles.
         
         Coach Harvey turns to Alex-
         
                             COACH HARVEY
                   Get off your butt, O'Donnell!    Get
                   in there!
         
         Alex leaps off the bench.
         
         
         INT. FITCH SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL/TUNNEL - NIGHT
         
                                MIKE
                   Scar!
         
         The tunnel is EMPTY.    Crestfallen, Mike lowers his head...
         
         ANGLE ON: Scarlet as she appears at the far end of the
         tunnel.
         
                             SCARLET
                   What took you so long?
         
         ANGLE ON: Mike and he's 36 years-old again, bursting out of
         his uniform.
         
                             MIKE
                   The best choice I ever made was
                   you.
         
         Scarlet and Mike walk towards one another, picking up their
         pace the closer they get.
         
                             SCARLET
                   How did this happ-
         
                                                               101.
         
         
         
         Mike wraps his arms around her.
         
                                MIKE
                   Don't ask.
         
         They lock lips.
         
         Mike takes Scarlet's hand and as they walk out of the tunnel-
         
                             MIKE (CONT'D)
                   I think it's best if we don't tell
                   the kids about this. Especially
                   Maggie.
         


                                THE END

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